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Fallout from Lux and Cate's outings last week continues. While Cate continues drawing in listeners aplenty by bitching about her life as a new mom, Lux invites her tormentors to an impromptu loft party at Baze's. In doing so, she completely forgets that Bug and Tasha planned a night o' fun for her and so must abandon them in service of social climbing. After a minor hiccup that forces Lux to lie to Baze about stealing booze from his storage room, things are going great, complete with beer pong. Then Tasha and Bug show up for a hobo throwdown on Lux for breaking the sacred code of foster kid trust. Also, Cate shows up to the bar with her producer and can't resist the urge to check up on Lux. And by "check up on Lux," I mean dress like a hooker and play beer pong with high schoolers before getting dressed down by her own daughter. On the upside, the infamous Jones (he who inspired Lux's whole lie in the first place) makes an appearance and takes a shining to old Lux.
Downstairs, Baze's stab at making the bar actually have customers somehow evolves from a churro-eating contest to turtle racing, which wins out over Other Friend's (whose name I've given up trying to remember) massively better but wildly expensive idea that was somehow inspired by Jon Gosselin. Thing start out slow, no pun intended, when Math brings high school science lab turtles to beautifully demonstrate the physics principle of inertia. Halfway through the night, Baze is outside wrangling patrons when one of Lux's party pals lobs Math's cookie jar out the window and onto the street right at Baze's feet. He comes in and acts like a dad for the first time ever, shutting down the party. Somewhere along the way, Bug steals Jones's car so he can take Lux on a joy ride and take her to task for being a shitty foster friend. Long story short, somehow everyone ends up in the clink but Lux. Conveniencidentally, the turtle races have picked up enough that no one hears the phone when Lux calls for bail money.
Jail time proves fruitful when Cate and Baze have a moment to stop hating each other and pep talk each other on their respective talents at parenting. In short, Cate is a natural mom, and Baze is not his "jackhole" father. Yes, the same jackhole who posts Cate and Baze's bail then remains true to form with a spine-tinglingly chilly reception of Baze on the ride home. Baze tries to mend fences by inviting Pops into the bar for a beer but is rebuffed. Cate comforts a dejected Baze just enough to raise suspicion in Ryan, who has abandoned sweet, sweet sleep and driven across town in the middle of the night after receiving about a dozen messages from Lux. They wade through the tension to head home, giving Lux an opportunity to apologize to Baze and tell him not to give up hope on his old man just yet. Tying up loose ends, Cate arranges Bug's bail, and Mr. Baze shows up for that beer after all. Personally I think he was just drawn back by the lure of turtle jockeying. And can you blame him?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Seriously? How many times do I need to tell you that Lux is the bastard child of high schoolers, who're all grown up? Also, she spilled the beans on her mom Cate, who's secretly engaged to her radio co-host Ryan. And then there's Baze. In a nutshell, his dad sucks. Which may or may not be the cause of his slacker approach toward life. TBD.
Good morning, Portland! Or afternoon, I guess. Hard to tell in that dismal Northwest weather. Lux exits school en route to her boyfriend Bug's motorcycle. On the way out, she must pass by the Mean Girls she embarrassed by selling a counterfeit collectible bong lamp. Yes, Baze had much to do with this. As if you couldn't guess. Mean Girl Beta, who bought said counterfeit bong lamp, actually calls her "foster freak." Really? Would anyone, even in high school, do that these days? I mean really. It's not exactly something she had a choice in, now was it? Then again, gingers are inherently funny and fun to kick, so there's that. (P.S. I'm just kidding, ginges! Please don't descend on me en masse!) Lux reaches Bug, who tells her not to worry about those jerks. Lux can't even get in a yea or nay before they circle back around like hyenas, talking about some party they're planning and making a point to swivel around to make sure Lux knows she's not invited. Bug shoots back loudly, "You're right, Lux. Her ass is way bigger than her mouth!" Heh.
While Lux chews Bug out for making her life that much worse, Jones (the infamous man who inspired this whole kerfluffle) moseys over and compliments Bug's bike. Lux apologizes about the whole bong lamp imbroglio, but Jones says it worked in his favor -- MGB felt so bad that she offered to throw his birthday party at her house. MGB comes over and paws Jones possessively, beckoning him to come with her as she sees her parents off to the airport. He good-naturedly goes along. At which point I wonder whether Lux will develop an unlikely new friend or find herself in the clutches of a rape-y quarterback like some embarrassing V.C. Andrews novel. But I digress... Bug again tells Lux to forget about the Mean Girls because Tasha and he are planning a surprise for her. They'll unveil it the night.
That night, Lux refs a churro eating contest between Baze, Math, and The Other One. Turns out they've been scarfing down fried Twinkies, fried Snickers, even fried butter. Now that is my kind of night on the town. Not so much for Math, who wonders why they're reenacting that offensive -- to me at least -- commercial that compares eating too much junk food to being a rampant alcoholic. (Apologies if this commercial only airs in public health option-carrying Canada. But let me tell you it is not cool. Too far, Canada. Too far.) Baze says he's looking for ideas to make the bar into an event venue so he can make as much cash as he did at Cate and Ryan's Drink-a-Date event. He tells the guys he wants 10 "jackpot not crackpot" ideas by the end of the night. It's a toss-up whether they hear him, though, as they are scurrying to the Port-a-Johns. Baze notices that Lux is moping all over her candy apple and asks if she wants to skip their air hockey game and leave. She says the longer she stays, the longer it is until tomorrow. He picks up on her continued bullying at the hands of the Mean Girls. She says the only person who's been nice to her is "just some jock" named Jones. Baze points out that "Just Some Jock" is technically his middle name. He tells her befriending Jones will make her life easier. She asks if they would have been friends if she'd been in high school with him. Instead of pointing out that she's an uptight drone like Cate and that he only hung out with her once (and we all know the results of that), he dodges the question, making fun of her victory dance when she wins air hockey. She tells him she'll stop dancing when he stops losing. Good girl, keep 'em coming.
When Lux arrives home after midnight, Cate is still up waiting for her. She hassles her for not calling. Lux thinks it should be fine since she was with Baze, but Cate begs to differ on points twofold: 1.) Baze is an imbecile and 2.) This is the third night in a row she's been out late. Cate wonders what she was doing. Lux says they had fun. Cate dimwittedly wonders if it's as fun as when they go shopping for handbags, which she should know better is not Lux's idea of fun. Lux avoids the truth by saying she's going to bed, but Cate still feels the pangs of insecurity about losing out to Baze in the "fun parent" category.
The morning, Cate and Ryan field on-air questions about their relationship. Ryan shares an inappropriate anecdote about drunk-Cate, so she throws a water bottle at him and he covers with a sweet story about how he knew she was the one on their first date. He tosses over to Cate who, apropos of nothing, starts bitching about how un-fun parenting is. Her producer naturally freaks because theirs is not a show about kids. She takes her outside to tell her to stop talking about dating and parenthood and "baby daddy drama." She harshly equates Cate's boring, grown-up dilemmas to talking about cancer. Before sending Cate back into the sound booth, she snits about how she's had a crappy birthday -- read: You forgot my birthday, hag. Cate insists she didn't forget and totally got her something. Then she suggests they have a girls' night out featuring "zany, slutty, boozy" Cate. Which is, I think, the opposite of getting something. It's just the first totally uncreative idea, centered on yourself(!), that popped into your mind in the last 0.2 seconds. Nice save, Forgetful Jones! Gah.
Back at Westmonte, Mean Girl Alpha warns Lux to keep Bug from talking to her. "I felt sexually objectified," she snots. Lux doesn't miss a beat: "You're wearing pants that say 'JUICY' on the ass." Ha! MGA's pom poms shiver with anger as MGB tells Jones that her parents' flight was cancelled. And thus, so is his birthday party. MGA takes this golden opportunity to shoot another poisoned arrow at Lux, saying they should have the party at Lux's -- if Juvie doesn't lock down after dark. Lux boomerangs it back, offering up Baze's loft for the party. She and Jones pound it out, and the Mean Girls shoot daggers at her with their eyes.
Across town, the guys report their event ideas to Baze. Math proposes a turtle racing contest, while The Other One really jumps out of the box and suggests a wet T-shirt contest. Seriously? That took all night? Yeesh, they're worse than I thought. Baze reminds TOO that it's not in his best interest as a new, state-mandated dad to have titties flapping around the bar where his underage daughter might drop in any second. The guy comes back with something called "Freedom Thursday" where guys can escape their harpy girlfriends to watch football and drink beer. Not exactly reinventing the wheel -- and I might add not exactly so much an event as, well, as a BAR -- but Baze digs it. The only hitch? He needs to buy a bunch of flat-screen TVs, and those things aren't exactly cheap. Turtle racing it is!
The door buzzes, so Baze heads downstairs. He finds his father and hands him the rent two weeks early. He assures him the bar is all set now because of his "new business plan." At which point he pulls out a teeny piece of paper, uncrumples it, and hands it over to Daddy Bazebucks. "Events!" he announces proudly. Daddy Bazebucks resists the urge to laugh at the minuscule piece of paper (on which "EVENTS" is probably the only thing that will fit). He asks what kind of events. Quoth Baze, "Turtle racing," like it's the fucking Gutenberg printing press. Before Daddy Bazebucks can unleash his righteous rage at this idea, Lux barrels in and asks if she can invite some friends over to the loft later. Baze recognizes immediately that it's Jones and smilingly approves her request. Lux scampers off, leaving Daddy Bazebucks to chastise Baze for not asking more questions about Lux
's plans with her friends. Baze sharply says he follows a different parenting method: trust. Daddy Bazebucks says Baze's parenting skills are about as on-point as his business model. Baze takes this cue to snatch back and microscopically fold his sad, little business model before telling his dad to see himself out.
Later, Cate and Lux primp together for their respective night on the town. Cate wonders why Lux didn't have her get-together at their house. Lux unknowingly piles on top of Cate's insecurities by saying Baze's place is "more... casual" (read: less stick-up-the-ass). She assures Cate it's no big deal, but Cate notes that the amount of eye shadow she's wearing suggests otherwise. Lux admits she's never thrown a party before. Cate belies her terminal unhipness by asking if Lux needs some money to buy sodas and sub sandwiches for the other young whippersnappers. Lux says Baze should have it covered. He does own a bar, after all. Still, you can see that Cate's disheartened she couldn't chip in. The doorbell rings, and Lux leaves her to stew on her inadequacies. At the door, Lux finds Tasha and Bug all excited about their surprise night for her. They got a car to take her to see Sean of the Dead at a nearby drive-in movie theater. Lux realizes she's in a jam and quickly cooks up some story about feeling really sick and staying in for the night. With perfectly bad timing, Cate shouts out that they're leaving for Baze's in five minutes. Lux covers that Baze is watching her since Cate's out for the night. Bug and Tasha apparently don't notice the uncharacteristic amount of makeup she's wearing and tell her they'll do it another time. They leave, and Lux stands by the door with a guilty look on her face.
Still, she soldiers on to the bar, which is now outfitted with a snazzy (read: possibly made by fifth graders) turtle racing sign. Lux helps him hang it, admitting she feels bad about lying to her friends. Baze tells her not to worry because she'll have a good night making inroads to non-outcast status. The Other One finishes assembling the turtle track and asks Baze what he's done to publicize this reptilian monster truck rally. Baze is all, "Come again now? Publicity?" Come on, man! Get it together. Don't make me agree with Daddy Bazebucks! Baze pushes aside the "negativity" of common sense just in time for Math to come in the door with the turtles that he has conveniently liberated from the school science lab. Tonight's savings: $5.25 so far. Probably for the best. The guys look into the box to find the most inert turtles ever, which is saying a lot. Math insists, "They're conserving their energy like athletes do." Baze remains skeptical, and TOO notes that one of the turtles only has three legs. Whoopsies!
Upstairs, Lux pumps the air with a last-minute spritz of Axe (educated guess) before opening the door to her guests. As you'd expect, the Mean Girls have nothing positive to say, but Jones admires the pool table, pinball machine, and most importantly beer pong table. He wonders where the beer is, stymieing BYOB-minded Lux. MGA gets all, "I told you so!" So Lux reluctantly rises to the challenge and promises to procure some beer from downstairs. As she heads down, Baze and the bros do a test run of the race. And by "test run," I mean test standstill. TOO wants to take out the three-legged turtle, but Math insists that "Bolt" (named in a stunning feat of overcompensation after Olympic gold medal-winning track star Usain "Lightning" Bolt) stay. Lux makes it down to ask for the store room key. Baze gives it to her easily, insisting only that she doesn't take any booze. She lies she won't. Meanwhile, Cate and her producer arrive. Cate insists the wine bar down the street was too crowded, but it's obvious she's up to something. The producer hopes it's a surprise party, but she's out of luck. Baze asks if they heard about the turtle races -- you know, since he did all that publicity. Cate crinkles up her nose in confusion as her producer sulks to the bar.
Upstairs, the party is in full swing as Lux, now dubbed "Goldilocks," impresses Jones with her beer pong skillz. She lands the ball in a glass, prompting Jones to pick her up and swing her around in excitement. As she sets up for her shot, she hears a surly voice from behind: "Hey Goldilocks, feeling better?" Who could it be but Tasha? She and Bug thoughtfully brought chicken soup and a Sean of the Dead DVD to lift her spirits. Now they're pissed to find out she ditched them for the asshats from her high school. Tasha falls back to her "foster freak" violent tendencies, but Jones luckily cuts her off when he obliviously calls for another game of beer pong. Tasha pointedly says she and fellow "uninvited street urchin" would like to take on "Abercrombie & Bitch." Jones continues grinning dumbly in his constant state of ignorant bliss.
Downstairs, a couple of people have trickled in, but those stubborn turtles still won't budge. Baze gets down in the dumps that his night has been a bust and that his dad might just be right. Math takes him aside for a pep talk only he could eke out. He tells Baze that failure isn't an option. Just like Bolt the Three-Legged Turtle, he can't give up. So stop yer bitchin'! He returns to the table to cheer for Bolt, who musters all his moxy and starts to shuffle down the table. As Baze heads off to grab more fliers, he spots Cate trying to sneak upstairs to check up on Lux. She promises she'll stay downstairs, but the moment he steps away, she's skittering up the stairwell. She is immediately intercepted by a high schooler with a taste for MILFs who invites her to join in on the beer pong. She hesitates at first, then sees Lux. Instead of triggering her natural response of "I'm this girl's mother," it triggers her insecurities, and she joins in to prove how cool she is. She slips off her coat to reveal a dress Lux earlier deemed slutty and joins in the chants of "Bring it on, bitches!" I'm sure this'll never backfire!
Across the room, Tasha and Bug take Lux to task for being ashamed of them. She tries to deny it but is distracted when she spots Cate, fresh off of scoring a point, launch into a full-on Running Man/Cabbage Patch combination. Wow. Just wow. Lux runs over and drags Cate aside. Cate insists she's not there to narc the kids out because she's capital-F Fun! The fact that she's already tipsy from two sips of beer implies otherwise. Cate kind of desperately asks if they can just hang out. Lux snappishly rejects her. She leaves Cate standing there, slutty-looking and dejected, before running off to save Math's Yoda cookie jar from some stoned kid. And this would be the point when things start spiraling swiftly down the drain. Case in point, the aforementioned cookie jar smashes at Baze's feet while he stands out front trying to lure in more patrons. Fortunately for him, the patrons are few and far between, so no one gets hurt in the Jar Jar Bangs incident.
Baze stomps upstairs and forces the kids out with a bellow. He screams at Lux for lying. She stammers that she wasn't thinking, but he's on a roll. He screams at her for putting his bar in jeopardy, barely taking a breath before snarling at Cate for participating in the melee. Lux tries to apologize, but it's too late. Baze has been possessed by the spirit of Daddy Bazebucks. He tells Lux to think before she does things, finishing by calling her stupid. Out in the street, the Mean Girls are pleased as punch to use their "I told you so"s for the one second Lux isn't around. She does come outside a second later, and Jones asks her if she's okay as Bug follows behind. Jones says it's a shame the party had to end early. Bug chimes in that it doesn't have to. They can move the party to the drive-in movie he intended to take Lux. Jones is keen on the idea, but Bug says he should drive since Jones has had a few. Jones naively passes Bug his keys and heads off to grab some friends. Bug ushers Lux into Jones's car and ominously says he's giving her "new friends a night they won't forget" before squealing off. Baze is still reaming out Cate as they head outside
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to find an understandably less jovial Jones. Tasha mentions the drive-in. Baze tells Jones to stay put and not call the police. Jones waits about half a second and calls anyway.
Inside the stolen vehicle, Lux tries to convince Bug to turn around. He asks why she cares so much, suggesting she has a crush on Jones. She denies it, explaining she just wanted to fit in. He meanly tells her she'll never fit in with those kids. She says he's being a jerk, and he shoots back that maybe she'll throw him a party like the a-holes from her high school. He calls her out for cutting out Tasha and him after they've been there for her for years. He says again that she'll never fit in with the Westmonte kids. She swallows that bitter pill just as the blue-and-reds light up behind them. Moments later, the cops have Bug in handcuffs and are frisking Lux. Tipsy Cate thinks she can sort this mess out. Tasha warns her against it, but Cate ignores her. She gets a little too hands-on and ends up getting her arm twisted behind her as the officer pins her to the hood of the SUV. Baze tries to intervene and suffers the same fate. Cate screams out for Lux to call Ryan and her producer at the bar. This time it's Tasha who issues the "I told you so." Lesson learned: Never touch a cop.
Back at the bar, three-legged Bolt staggers to a stunning upset victory at the turtle races, which have picked up so much that no one hears the phone ringing. On the other end, Lux complains that Ryan isn't picking up either. Tasha, too, is giving her the silent treatment. She finally spits out that she can't believe Lux is ashamed of her. Lux opens up that she didn't invite them to the party because of her own issues. She wanted to see what it was like not to be a "foster freak" for one night. Tasha says she gets it and tells her not to leave her behind. Tasha heads back to the desk asking if they can leave already, but the cop won't release them until a guardian or relative shows up. Lux says there's one person she hasn't tried and returns to the phone.
Inside the clink, Baze has bonded with the guy who took him down. When Cate asks about getting a phone call, he just waves her off. Baze laughs it off as Cate wonders what it is about him that people -- namely Lux -- are so drawn to. Baze says Lux is cool with him because she has no respect for him. To her, he's just the burn-out older brother. Cate says he should have seen Lux's face when she saw her at the party. Baze asks Cate how she would have felt if her mom had crashed one of her high school parties. Cate points out that she wasn't exactly the party-throwing type in high school, then lets it sink in that Lux actually considers her a mom. Baze tells her she's a natural mom, unlike him who blew up at the first chance. Cate assures him that Lux deserved all of it, except being called stupid. Baze feels bad about that because it was something his dad would have done. He acknowledges that he acts like Lux's friend more often than her dad because he's afraid he'll turn into his father. Cate identifies with Baze's dad, saying maybe he feels stuck in a role he didn't plan on and maybe he just wants a second chance. She reminds Baze of his bond with Lux and encourages him to just try being a dad. Just then, the cop returns to tell them they've been bailed out. And speak of the devil, it's Daddy Bazebucks, as carefree and chipper as ever.
Daddy Bazebucks drops the whole gang off at Baze's bar. As the girls head inside, Baze starts into an apology. Daddy Bazebucks picks it up and finished it for him with toe-curling efficiency, citing everything from endangering Lux to squandering his entire education. Baze just goes with it. Cate has been in the backseat and heard all this. As a typically disheartened Baze retreats the car, Cate stops him and pushes him to talk to his dad. Baze leans down to the window. He admits that parenting is hard. He says their relationship can't be what Mr. Bazile intended from the start and invites him in for a beer to "reset" things. Daddy Bazebucks refuses to look at him as he spurns the olive branch and drives away. Baze heads inside, still disheartened. Cate grabs his hand, saying at least he tried. They exchange a meaningful gaze. When in should walk none other than Ryan, with the hyper-alertness of someone who was roused in the middle of the night. Cate apologizes that he had to come all the way to the bar. "Glad I did," he says curtly. Lux comes back into the main room, and Cate suggests they all go home.
As Cate and Ryan go outside, Lux hangs back to properly apologize to Baze. He quietly, seriously reminds her of all the consequences of tonight's little fiasco, had they been caught. She knows she shouldn't have taken the keg. He, in turn, apologizes for yelling and becoming "that guy." Lux insists he's not his dad. Then she says that his dad's not all that bad. He might be an old-school, iron-fisted kind of a dad, but the first thing he asked when Lux called was if Baze was all right. She says he loves Baze, he just shows it differently. She heads out.
Back at Cate's, Lux pretends to sleep so she doesn't have to talk, but Cate's on to her. She promises not to "get too maternal" and tells Lux she arranged for Bug's bail. Lux thanks her and apologizes for everything. Cate jokes that at least she wasn't playing beer pong with people half her age. Lux snarks that at least Cate wasn't playing the real life version of Grand Theft Auto. She gets serious, assuring Cate that Bug was never really going to steal the car. She maintains that Bug is a good guy. Cate takes her word for it.
Back at the bar, the bros share a beer as Math basks in the glory of Bolt's three-legged wonder. As they toast to the little turtle that could, the door pops open. It's Daddy Bazebucks, who's decided to take Baze up on the beer after all. He asks Baze how the turtle races went and plops down a bill. Baze says it wasn't as profitable as he hoped but he can still afford to buy his old man a beer. Daddy Bazebucks turns a corner, saying the money's not for the beer, it's for the turtle. Baze asks him which turtle he wants, and Daddy Bazebucks picks Bolt: "Think I'll root for the underdog for a change." And so the games begin.
week: Nothing is safe! It's the Great Baze-vasion!
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