It's time for the semi-finals from Hollywood, Californicationville! The Bellamy returns from his ghostly, barely-there repose, to bellow (Bellowmy!) that this is it! We've all been waiting! We've scoured the globe for the funniest people who don't have visa issues. Audience members applaud even though nothing funny has happened yet. Backstage, a comic says it's time for "more show." How about some show? Bellamy says that we're gonna see the best from Australia, Canada, England, and the U.S. What, there's nobody funny in Mexico? Tell that to all my extended family! Eh, whatever. They'll all be here soon enough. The Bellamy says that sixteen comics will perform, and only five will make it to the round. Nervous comics mill about backstage. Who will win? "LAST! COMIC! STANDING!" Bill, Bill, Billy. My goddamn ears, man. Could you take it easy?
Redundant opening sequence. The Bellamy takes the stage for what feels like the first time. He gets a standing ovation before he even says a word. He is so getting laid tonight. He asks the audience to make some noise, but they're way ahead of him. He reminds us that the comics are competing for an exclusive NBC talent contract, a Bravo comedy special, and $250,000. And ownership of Television Without Pity. No, not really. Wait...maybe? No, I'm sure it doesn't include that. To own this site you'd have to be funny, and not all of those competing are...you know...all that funny. Just sayin'. I should shut up and recap now. The Bellamy jokes about who'll make the cut, and relieves the incredibly unbearable tension by saying that he's glad it's not him. Thud. Bellamy introduces the talent scouts. They are: Hilarious Alonzo. Very Funny Kathleen. Incredibly Annoying Ant. How annoying? Before Bellamy can finish his introduction, Ant stands up, flops his fake hair around, and goes, "And I'm sexy, too, haaaaay!" I guess it's safe to tell my favorite non-offensive gay joke now. What does a gay horse eat? You guessed it: "Haaaaaay!" We have a special fourth judge tonight. We see him before we hear his name, and it looks like a cackling, bent-over, scary Tom Arnold. And I actually kinda like Tom Arnold. But boy does he look scary right now. Tom stands and looks much more normal. Thank goodness. Bellamy, who should be telling jokes right now, is instead taking Ant's duties as Giant CapitalOne Shill. The audience gets to vote again on the no-hassle pass. Writing about it is a hassle.
Bellamy finally tells some damn jokes. He just had a baby boy. Hey, I reproduce as well! Tell me more, comedian. He does a bit about what childproofing a house meant in the old days. It meant leaving the stove on. Too, too soon, the bit is over and we have to get to the contestants. Why you gotta do me like that, Bellamy? I want more! John Caparulo, audience favorite from the Tempe auditions, says that this is a life-changing opportunity. Well, your opportunity begins now. You're up first. In his whiny voice, he scratches his head and asks what's up with all these health nuts. Because fast food used to be fun. His closer is that fat people like to put a lot of stuff on their sandwiches at Subway. Look for this and other insights in his new book, Fat People Eat a Lot: Observations I Make That Aren't Very Funny. His set was like thirty seconds long. Don't you just love reality-TV editing?
Debra DiGiovanni from Toronto -- who was incredibly unfunny the last time we saw her -- jokes that if she doesn't win, she's going to eat a lot of ice cream. Oh, Cathy. Ackkk! She explains the concept of winter to Los Angelenos. They stop Blackberry-ing long enough to look up, then look back down without laughing. She makes a joke at the expense of skinny dumb girls and actually earns applause. Her joke formula seems to include one part self-deprecation, two parts insinuation that she's cah-razy, and three parts unfunny embellishment after the joke, like, "Oh yeah!" and "Thank you, ha ha!" Please, God, if you can hear me: I know it's late, but please, in the name of all that is funny in Your Kingdom, do not let this woman advance. Amen. Offstage, she says that was "super-fun." Not for us!
Tommy Johnagin, audience favorite from Minneapolis, says that he shakes a baby a little until it cries before a set. This guy is funny. He tells a joke about not liking fighting, and we cut to the audience where the Largest Breasts in Los Angeles are on full display. They're heaving with laughter, which is a good sign. More jokes about getting beat up. His jokes are well written, but the audience isn't particularly with him tonight and he doesn't finish strongly at all. Sorry, Tommy.
Dante, the audience favorite from L.A., tells us about his daughter Willow and her wish to have a puppy based on his performance. Wow, pressure, man. Oh, no. He's doing Wizard Of Oz with Jack Nicholson, Gilbert Gottfried, Christopher Lloyd, and Robert DeNiro. This joke has a combined age of like 600 years. Just based on the premise of this bit I don't think Willow's getting a puppy. The impressions are good. The bit is awful. Bad daddy. He gets a partial standing ovation. Bad audience!
Joe DeVito from Long Island is up. Hey, he does look like the Verizon guy! He's got decent jokes and pretty good delivery with some one-liners. The audience likes him, but it's such a short segment of a set that it's hard to get a sense of him. Gotta love that sweater vest, though.
Gina Yashere from London is . Funny joke about a Nigerian mom's hatred of Santa Claus. Very funny. Good closing tooth fairy joke. I really like her. Please let her advance.
Lawrence Mooney of Australia says it's gonna be a long flight home if he doesn't make it further. Lame joke about how men and women see themselves differently in the mirror. Slightly better joke about pantyhose. That's gonna be a long flight home, dude.
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Sarah Colonna from L.A. is . A childproofing joke. Wow, she must have really been upset that The Bellamy's one joke was similar to the one she was going to do. Very dirty vibrator joke that's actually pretty funny. She closes with that.
Dwayne Kennedy goes . He jokes about how hard Mexicans work. It's funny 'cuz it's true! He jokes that they'd have done three hundred years worth of slave labor in nine hours and still had time for a soccer game. Ha. Not bad.
Spencer Brown from (say it with me) Londontown. Backstage he jokes that his grandmother needs his winnings for an operation...but he doesn't think she really needs a boob job. Save it for the stage, ya crazy Brit! He opens with some dicey physical humor that doesn't really work. Not very funny sexism joke. Why do I like this guy so much if he doesn't make me laugh at all? Must be the Muppet hair.
Tracey Ashley from Miami is up. She jokes about her family's reaction to her white boyfriend. Tom Arnold claps loudly for the white boyfriend. She jokes about getting run over by a hippopotamus at the ATM. It's not super-funny, but the delivery is cute. As is Tracey Ashley.
Ralph Harris from Philadelphia. He does his entire set (at least what we see) doing the voice of his hundred-year-old grandfather at a birthday party. It's a bold choice. And not a particularly good one. I think Ralph's a goner. He says backstage that being able to do that voice on national TV was a dream come true. Good, because it's probably the last time.
Sabrina Matthews from Burbank! Woo! I like Sabrina. I laugh out loud from the first time when she says what she hates most about lesbian stereotypes is that they all apply to her. Funny joke about driving a beat-up truck. Oh, man. She's gotta make it through. She's been the best so far.
Adam Vincent from Australia. He's stoked to be on NBC. You do know that it's only our fourth most-popular network, right? He yells a lot and jokes about sitting on a sprinkler when you're a kid. Ah, good times. More yelling. And...that's it? I hope that adorable haircut gets you through, dude, because the jokes sure won't. Bellamy makes a face as Adam leaves the stage like, "This motherfucker's crazy!" The audience laughs. Backstage, Adam admits that didn't go exactly as planned.
From New York, Lori Chase is up. She doesn't get a title card, which is a little weird. Excruciating set about her and her gay former husband working on Broadway. Wow. This is a terrible set. I'm so sorry, audience. Backstage, she says that it was surreal and doesn't seem to remember anything. Neither will we.
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Doug Benson is . More show! He mentions that he was in the semi-finals last year, too. He does a bit about going to Disneyland and ruining rides for other people. It ends with a Shrieky Asian Man Voice that I could do without. That's it. I don't really get this guy at all. He must be doing something right to keep getting in the semi-finals, but I don't think I've heard him say one remotely funny thing in this competition.
That's it! We have the results now...Bellamy preps the audience as we see five spotlights onstage. The audience favorite: Dante. Oh, jeez. With the Jack Nicholson impression that people have been trotting out for thirty-five years? Seriously? I guess Willow gets a puppy after all. I hope she learns to love that puppy, because her dad sure didn't earn it with what we saw. up: Gina Yashere. Good choice, that one. Ralph Harris is up . No. I don't get that one at all. Debra DiGiovanni. Oh, man, no. Bad, bad choice. Last one: Doug Benson. For the love of fucking...NO! So, let's round up here. Four of the five choices are complete bullshit. Doug Benson is in, but no Sabrina Matthews? Fucking Dante, but no Tommy Johnagin or Dwayne Kennedy? I call bullshit. Either the editing of this show is completely wrong and we didn't see moments of comedic brilliance, or there are other forces at work here. Because four of the five comedians chosen weren't nearly as funny as some of the others. Most of them were just outright disasters. If you stop watching the show right now, I won't blame you, because it doesn't look like what we're seeing at all gibes with who should be advancing.
Montage of sad, rejected comics. Spencer Brown from Londontown is excited to go back a hero and a failure. The Bellamy asks for applause for the five finalists. Ah, fuck this shit. Hold your applause. Debra DiGiovanni is looking for a tiara and annoying the piss out of me. Ugh. I'm spent.
week: sixteen more comics, five more spots. I hope it turns out better. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go dull the pain with some alcohol, Hasselhoff-style.
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