I was really dreading this episode because last week's show was so terrible! It wasn't funny at all, and what was with all the fireworks? I have to say, the nighttime auditions sponsored by Macy's were a new low. I hate when comics try to be funny by singing the national anthem.
Anyhoo, we begin with a Voice-Over By Bellamy in which he says we've all been waiting for this. Define "we." It's time for the best of the best! Funniest comic in the world! Within narrowly defined parameters! We've been everywhere! We see flashbacks of past auditions -- some all right, some gawdawful. Tonight we're going to Tempe, Arizona! Yes...Tempe! That...hotbed...of, uh, comedic...talent. Really dig that Tempe comedy scene. You can really tell when somebody's good because they've got that Tempe sense of humor. (Sigh.) Tempe. Thirty-two comics will compete in the semi-finals for a shot at glory. Here -- have an opening-credit montage, sans credits.
Lame stock footage of cactus and airplanes flying overhead. The Bellamy, wearing a jacket and a blinding striped red-white-and-blue shirt, is in the desert. Or the part of the desert that can be faked on the side of the road with a minimal film crew. Bellamy walks to reveal a town car with the hood up, as if he's stranded in the desert. He patters about the show sparing no expense. Oh, Bellamy. I just want to rescue you from all this. Bellamy bellows, "We're all first-class, baby!" Then he turns around and has a mock-fit, exclaiming that this never happens to Ryan Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest has ratings, dude.
I got confused for a second because I thought auditions were over, but people are lined up around a circular building, they're trying to get a spot in the semi-finals. Bellamy says that these people have been camped out in the hot sun for days. I have a bit of advice my high-school valedictorian gave us that has always inspired me: go back. (Ha!) Bellamy says that everyone is auditioning. Alonzo crawls out of a red tent and yawns, pretending like he's there to audition. I want to take Bellamy and Alonzo out to the nearest bar and buy them a round of shame. Alonzo says that the energy is good in Tempe, and that this is gonna be a "big one." Just as he says that, a pink-shirted, itsy-bitsy Ant emerges from the same tent, stretching. So awful. Kathleen emerges from the tent and makes it not so bad. For some reason, she and Ant both think this particular sunny setting will bring out the funny. Sunny does not equal funny, sorry to say.
All right. We're inside The Improvization. The first comic goes up. Ryan Hamilton of Salt Lake City goes up. We've seen him in the commercials, a lot. Before Ryan starts, Ant tells him he is the strangest person he's ever seen. Ryan flashes a lot of teeth and the Manson Lamps. Ryan says he's told he looks like a white Chris Rock. Ant cracks up. Ryan does a bit of Chris Rock and the scouts all love it. Ryan has some major affect going, but it works. He's pretty funny and seems polished. Alonzo tells him, "Stop it. We'll see you tonight." "He's hilarious," Ant mutters.
Going up to the stage in a hurry is a jogging Suli MuCullough from Studio City, California. He jokes about how tiny and skinny he is. It gets him in the show. Suli tells the camera in a testimonial that, logically, if you win Last Comic Standing, you're the funniest comedian in the world. That sounds reasonable until you think about it for about two or three seconds and realize it's total fucking bullshit.
Ken Voights and his brother Brady from Phoenix go to the stage. Brady has a little toy pink microphone and speaker set-up with him. He tells a lame joke about a girl with a lazy eye seeing someone on the side. Kathleen groans. Brady says that the girl is like a comfortable pair of shoes...that'd he likes to [bleep!]. Kathleen goes, "Whoa!" Alonzo laughs. Brady turns on the toy's musical beats. Kathleen dances. Brady wiggles. Ant goes, "!"
Montage of dancing, grunting, rejected comics. The sunshine is making these folks wacky! Crazy from the heat! Nipple pinch. Nipple flash (male). Monkey sounds. More of Brady dancing. It's not enough. He is rejected.
Andrew Orvedahl of Denver is up. He slept on the sidewalk for two nights. He tells a not very good joke about getting into a car accident, and Ant gives his patented smitten-laugh. He extends the joke to make it a little funnier, and the scouts are won over.
Robin Reiser of L.A. comes to the stage. Gratuitous shot of Kathleen brightening up at the sight of a lady comedian. Waking-up-to-NPR bad news joke. It's pretty good. All three scouts laugh. Alonzo says he's not sold, but they're giving her a chance. Robin says she's happy to be here. That is awesome.
Chris Bennett of Tempe (hotbed of comedy) does a joke about nursing-home bingo that sounds way too familiar. Ant calls him out on it, saying he's heard these jokes at Drag Queen Bingo. Chris, taken aback says, "I haven't spent...much time...there." Rejected!
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Large man Lavell Crawford of L.A. (originally from St. Louis) jokes about being a big guy in an image-conscious city. He does a great bit about dying and becoming a fat angel with tiny wings and, despite laughing at his own joke halfway through, he pulls off the punchline perfectly and I laugh out loud. So do the talent scouts. He's in, of course.
The last of the auditions. Outside in the line, a tiny, white, balding guy named Rusta Rhymes from Albuquerque -- standing, appropriately, to a bagel sign -- says he's there for the M.C. battle. He raps about Josh Blue. He's got a giant "R" chained around his neck. It looks like he got it at Home Depot. Inside, Greg Warren from Kirkwood, Missouri, is up . He's been doing comedy for ten years, but he's still nervous. He makes it in with some eye makeup and a bit equating buying fatty foods at the grocery store with buying hard drugs. The scouts like it. Welcome to the showcase.
Then it's the guy who taught your Physics For Non-Majors class, "Hippieman" from Boulder, Colorado, He's wearing a suit. Dude says he's into love, especially girl-on-girl. Alonzo likes Hippieman, but feels no love for the stale jokes, which he says could be better. See ya, Hippieman. Cut yer hair! Ant, whose hairpiece is growing, says he expects that people who've been waiting this long to audition will blow the roof off the place. A.J. Fowler of Centennial, Colorado and Kevin Davidson, of Phoenix, separately but equally do not make it further. Matt Peterson of Albuquerque makes the same joke as Ryan Hamilton about being the love child of two celebrities that we'll hear later, but does it with less aplomb. Kathleen mocks him. Big-bearded Chuck Roy of Denver goes up. Funny Alabama joke with regard to his hair. Chuck Roy is proud to represent Denver. : John Caparulo of Studio City. He has a whiny everyman thing going that cracks up the scouts up. He's in. Night sets in. That's it for the open calls. It's time for the Tempe showcase! Tempeeeeee!
Ant shills for CapitalOne. God, I hope this is the last time. What, no Bellamy set? Backstage montage. Greg Warren, doing his best Eddie Izzard with the face paints, says he's still nervous. Andrew Orvedahl really wants a red envelope. He drove to get here and slept on the sidewalk for two nights. Yeah, dude, we heard you the first time. Geez. He's up first. Try not to fall asleep up there, whiner. Birth-control pill jokes. Is this 1977? All the hip comedians have moved on to jokes about RU-486. Pass. Kivi Rogers of Santa Clarita, California, jokes about how love stories have changed, and manages to work in a Jim Brown movie. Decent joke, but very strong delivery. Kivi, offstage, does a "Bam!" Somewhere, probably in Miami, Dan Le Betard is smiling. Greg Warren is up. Chancy joke in which he does a black guy's voice. Eh. It's all right. It's just one step removed from Robert Klein's ghastly jazzman impression. Ryan Hamilton is back. "Get your stare on! I'm like the illegitimate son of Jerry and Elaine, look at me!" he shouts. Yep, we all saw it on the commercials, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. High-energy, good delivery, but again with the serious affect. Still, he'll probably make it in. Chris Voth of Lakewood jokes about his grandma. It's all right; not particularly inspired. Suli McCulough returns. A riff on Barney the dinosaur being black. It's very funny...in the year 1995. Lavell Crawford hits the stage. The jokes aren't as strong as his audition, but damned if everything that comes out of his mouth isn't funny. Dude cracks me up. I love Lavell Crawford. Cristela Alonzo of North Hollywood is up. She makes fun of skinny chicks on Halloween. It's decent enough. Robin Reiser returns, trying not to freak out. She does an extended riff on how much private area shaving goes on in preparation for a date. My delicate sensibilities are deeply affected. Rocky LaPorte of Sherman Oaks has a great tough-guy accent, but the jokes just kinda lie flat. Dave Landau of Grosse Pointe Woods, Michigan: some Bush and gasoline-price jokes. Meh. Jay Larson of L.A. is . He does a weird thing about peeing at a urinal and taking out a bad guy, and, believe me, it's funnier than it sounds. John Caparulo returns. He's like an even schlubbier Andy Richter. But it really works for him. He's pretty funny. The audience really seems to like him. Last batch of comics coming up. Chuck Roy brings the beard. A rambly but surprisingly astute and witty take on suburban sprawl. I really like this guy. Brandon Vestal of L.A. goes . Pretty good jokes about annoying pedestrians. And that's it! Time for the judge-ening.
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Nervous, waiting comedians. Chuck Roy's mom is there. I love him! Lavell Crawford talks again and I watch, mesmerized. Maybe this batch was really good. Moment of truth: the first comic chosen is Chuck Roy. Yes! to move on: Lavell Crawford. Good choices so far! The audience hoots loudly for him. Greg Warren moves on. Huh. Really? All right. Somebody get him a Maybelline sponsorship. The audience favorite: John Caparulo. Which is as it should be. He shakes a lot of hands and gives a lot of high-fives. All the other comics are really depressed. One more spot...and it goes to Ryan Hamilton. Yep, that one makes sense. Ryan flashes his huge grin. Most of the other comics clap. Backstage, Lavell dances. Kivi expresses no bitterness. Robin Reiser says, "Whatever" in a nice way. And that's it! week: the semi-finals.
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