Hey, it's time to find the funniest person in the world! In London. Or Minneapolis. Eddie Izzard and the guys from Mystery Science Theater? I think we can forego this one, right?
We go straight to the globe and zoom in on London. Hey kids, Big Ben, Parliament! A Queen Elizabeth impersonator gets off a double-decker bus. If you're not Helen Mirren-hot, I don't want to see your QEII impression. Alonzo explains British humor: he says it's either so high-brow you have to pretend to get it, or somebody throws a pie at you. Pie, please!
The first comic goes up. It's Thoumas Yianni, who has at least two extraneous vowels in his name. He's from London. He snores and makes a sad jokes about how much the ladies must love that. Alonzo stops him right there, with righteousness. The guy says he should have more time. "I agree!" Ant blargs out. I don't want to be the asshole who makes everything about Ant's, you know, orientation that he talks about all day, but am I the only one who thinks that he favors the cute, scruffy guys over the ugly, scrawny ones and women? Because this guy's got a little Clive Owen thing going, despite not being funny so far. "I went to the [bleep!] enlargement clinic," Yianno continues, and Ant tells him to get out. Ooh, Ant burn. Matt Kirshen, also from London, is . He's the bitty, scrawny type. He makes some pretty decent jokes about how kids today aren't as unhealthy as kids during the plague, despite news reports. He cracks the scouts up. Kathleen likes "trench foot." I'll have to remember that in case we ever date. Outside, The Bellamy corners Kirshen and asks how long he's been comedy. Five years. "Foive yeeeees!" Bellamy imitates. Oh, cruel Bellamy. The Bellamy asks a bunch of questions about his comedy, and Kirshen tries not to get overwhelmed and just answers, "Yes," which for some reason cracks up The Bellamy. I think The Bellamy has The Jetlag. Bushy-haired Spencer Brown "From Londontown" is . He's been doing comedy for eight years. Well? He jokes to the camera that he's really American. On stage, he tells a bad dyslexia joke, and the explanation of it is what actually makes the scouts laugh. He makes a joke involving a "pensioner" and an "invalid carriage" and the show takes the time to freeze-frame and offer definitions of each, including visual aids. ("Retired person" and "Rascal," respectively.) I hope NBC has permission to use those TiVo sound effects. Spencer tells the jokes, which involves making fun of old people by talking in slow motion. The scouts like it. Kathleen says that if she had an Englishman toy and wound it up, it would be Spencer Brown. From Londontown. He blushes. He's in. Rob Deb from London (he says he's from somewhere else, but I go by the title card), who is chubby and wears glasses, says he's from Harry Potter And The Table Of Pies. Ant says that's bad. As an aside, he tells the camera that the British are very polite when told they absolutely suck. Obligatory montage of Brits being told they suck. And answering politely. They are so nice and adorable! I want to just put them in my pocket and bring them home and then make them clean my house and wash my shit for the rest of my life. That would so rule.
Outside, people wait in line. What? A chimney sweep? Oh, whatever, Last Comic Standing. Josh Howie from London is up. He self-deprecates for the camera about self-defecation. Inside, he jokes about starting a Jewish rap group as a teen called "Circumcised." It's not bad. He's in. Ant thinks he's clever. Speaking of circumcision, outside The Comedy Store, The Bellamy is wearing a turtleneck and tells us he's looking forward to seeing more U.K. comics. He likes it, baby!
First female comic we've seen. Tiffany Stevenson from London (is anyone in England from anywhere else?) is confident as she barrels through a Desperate Housewives routine that would seem lame here, but is cute coming from England. Alonzo wants to see her in the show. The self-described "French Dog," Andres Cabellero, says he's coming for America. God help us. He's from Ecuador. He does a bit about his medication and then jokes that dolphins are gay sharks. He seems to address Ant with this. Ant says he doesn't want to see any more. Andres sighs and pinches his nipples. Ant asks why he's doing that. He says he does that when he gets nervous. "Sweet. Like it," Kathleen says, hilariously. Ant bids him adieu. In Russian. Ava Vidal from London says she was a prison officer and learned how to deal with hecklers from inmates. She takes a long time to get to a punchline that goes all the way from Africa to the Nation of Islam to MTV, but the payoff is there and the scouts like it. So do I. It doesn't hurt at all that she's kind of hot. Twitchy "Buddy" from London does a romantic fruit joke that Kathleen and Alonzo like. Ant just rolls his eyes. Ant says he's not at the same level as others they've advanced. Kathleen says Ant is wrong. Ant asks for a joke. Buddy calls Ant "Francis." Alonzo says he loves Buddy. Ant says they're not amused. Everyone in the room is amused except Ant. Ant asks for another joke. Buddy jokes about it being too easy to spot people with glasses after trying to spot people wearing contacts. Eh. Kathleen and Alonzo, who have fallen hard for this guy, try to convince Ant that it's funny. Ant finally relents. Buddy is in the showcase. Buddy is humble about his victory and says he should have taken it more seriously. I think he's just joshin'.
London at night. The Bellamy gives up any pretense of telling jokes on TV and goes straight to the competition. Matt Kirshen says he respects all the comics in the room, which shouldn't be too hard since they're all his elders. Everyone bounces around and waits. Josh Howie returns and jokes that there aren't any Jewish comics in America. More funny Jewish jokes. Ava Vidal returns to joke about Madonna's adoption of an African baby. It's not bad, but not terrific. Spencer Brown (from Londontown) cracks up the audience with a bit that I don't get at all. He's got a certain Jim Halpert appeal, I'll give him that. Benny Boot, also from England, gets a turn. Weak and pretty dated James Bond bit. Man, Chris Martin has really fallen on hard times. Tiffany Stevenson is back. Funny, but the joke's not worth repeating. Rick Kiesewetter of London has a good one: "Sometimes, it can be hard being Chinese...because I'm Japanese." He's pretty funny. Buddy hits the stage. He absolutely bombs with the first "joke." Weak second joke. Awful third joke. Ant mimes an explosion. Awful, tragic last joke. Buddy gets his ass off the stage. It pains me to admit that Ant was absolutely right. Wow, that one stung. Matt Kirshen on stage. He really uses that "I look like a kid" schtick. Risky New Orleans joke with a sassy punchline. He relishes the discomfort and I fall a little bit in love with Matt Kirshen.
The results! Buddy thinks he has a chance, which is the funniest thing he's said so far. First one moving on...Matt Kirshen! Yay! ...Ava Vidal. It just got warmer in here. Last one: Spencer Brown (Londontown). Hey, those aren't totally awful, objectionable picks! Why is Buddy still talking? Shut up, Buddy.
Minneapolis! Mall. Lakes. Paul Bunyan. Laziest montage yet. A guy in line at Acme Comedy Co. complains that he's been standing in line for six hours, so this had better be a good hamburger. Ant runs through past show contestants who are from Minneapolis, including David Mordal, Billy Dwyer, and Josh Blue. Ant picks his words carefully: "Those are all...pretty strong...comedians from this show." Nice one, Ant. He says there's clearly something in the water. Old-timey banjo music plays as James Francis (hey, isn't that Ant's new name?) from St. Paul hits the stage wearing a suit and a black derby. He's also got a satchel and umbrella. Kathleen asks if he's a time traveler. He puts in some ugly false teeth and does a bit as a crazy inventor. Kathleen gets an instant headache. Ant tells him to get out. Alonzo wishes him good luck at the carnival. is Bob Zany from Valley Village, California. He riffs offstage for a bit before hitting the stage. Old-school jokes make the scouts laugh, but not me. He's in for the showcase. Fancy Ray McCloney of North Hollywood is in line outside. He's wearing a blue turban, a giant star medallion on a chain and a checkered blue blazer that's wearing out my HDTV. He spiels outside about being a chocolate organ of some kind. I have no idea what's going on with this guy, so I'll let my colleague M. Giant explain: "Fancy Ray McCloney is like that all the time. He does all sorts of cheap TV commercials for local businesses here, and in 1998 he ran for governor of Minnesota with his mom. An ex-comic friend of ours once had to ride with him to Sioux Falls and it was the longest day of his life. I confess it was quite gratifying to see him get shot down." Spoiler alert! This information makes it easier to get through the segment. Fancy comes in bellowing. His turban's off and he says he's the best-looking man in comedy. You just lost Ant's vote, Fancy. He's no longer wearing a shirt. Fancy Ray keeps shouting. Ant tells him to get lost. Fancy Ray continues to Fancy Ray it up on his way out. "Oh, you think he needs an audience?" Alonzo tells Ant.
Alonzo complains that they're getting a lot of "silly, wacky" comedy. Montage of onstage flailing and noise-making. A guy takes his shirt off and Ant is edited to say that the guy should go on to the round. Cuz he's gay! Get it? Har har! More annoying comics. A woman in a crazy farmer outfit pulls a live chick out of her pocket. Ant says the chick can stay but the lady has to go. Last Fowl Standing! Tommy Johnagin from Benton, Illinois. Deadbeat dad humor. He's in. A guy in line tells a bad pirate knock-knock joke. Lil Rel from Chicago is . Pretty funny bit about his dad using '70s jive slang. Ant loves it. So do the others. He's in.
John Evans from Sherman Oaks, California, graces the stage after a commercial break. George W. Bush checking email and making typewriter noises. Not bad. He's in. Tim the Dairy Farmer is . I don't know where he's from because we're on flash flood watch, according to the crawl on my screen, and that's more important than comedian hometowns, I guess. He does a bad pun about cows. Kathleen can't believe the material some of these comics pick. Leah Eva from Chicago doesn't last long at all. Horace H.B. Sanders from Detroit can't get by with a diabetes/sugar daddy joke. Tony Valle from Niles, Illinois, gets no love. Hiawatha Rutland of Ames, Iowa, is gone before I even finish typing this sentence. My screen says, "News 4 WOAI: Please stand by we are experiencing technical difficulties." Wow! This still happens? In 2007? My apologies, folks. I'm sure we're missing some really hilarious shit right now. We come back about 1.5 minutes later to see a guy ranting and cracking up the judges. It's Doug Benson of Los Angeles. Ant says he's hilarious. I'm sure we'll catch him again later, but I know his set involved lots of hollering and the word "Fergalicious," and that's good enough for me. He's in.
Showcase time. Ant pimps Capital One. You know what would be "no hassle"? Skipping the pitch entirely. The Bellamy is MIA. First up is Tommy Johnagin. Funny bit about cat molestation. I keep telling people: it is a vast, deep well of untapped comedy. But nobody listens. They just walk away and leave me to my three cats. Lil Rel is back. A segment about his mom that's very specific, but not as funny as the one about his dad. Doug Benson goes up . Very funny voice. The jokes are okay, but his delivery is killer. Ant loves this guy. Auggie Smith of Portland is . Pimp My Ride bit. Eh. Not impressed. Dan Cummins of Spokane. Poisonous cobra pet bit. Great, but probably not good enough. Tracey Ashley of Merriville, Indiana. "You are an articulate black person!" joke. Funny, but I've heard about ten variations of this joke before. John Evans is back. Funny Native American immigration policy joke. Bob Zany jokes about Hooters airlines, and I can't hear it because of all the hacking. Oh, wait, that's just Bob Zany. Oh, airline humor. Will you ever start being funny? Wow, we had to go out on that?
The results: Doug Benson, of course, is first-picked. He goes straight to the scout table and makes fun of Ant. Tracey Ashley is . She's so enthused that I'm suddenly happy for her. The Capitol One "No-Hassle" comic: Tommy Johnagin. No complaints here. He was funny. Post-competition banter. None of it is interesting
The Bellamy tells us in voice-over that we've found lots of great comics, but now it's time to head to Tempe, Arizona, and then Hollywood. But in two weeks, not one. Happy holiday!