Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 27
Seriously? We seriously have to sit through this sham of an episode? First of all, it was boring, and the whole "no one appreciates the poor head chef" crap was already ridiculously stupid last week, so to retread it this week is village idiocy. Secondly (or "thirdly," I guess), I already know that Lela's CLOSED LAST SUMMER! Meh.
I'd like to note that last week's previews for this episode had it that the busboy had "sticky fingers," but in this week's summary, it's the prep cook. I guess FOX shrugs that all black people look alike. This week, we're in Pomona, California, which, according to Mr. Voice-Over, is populated by artists, students, and car enthusiasts. Odd. Lela's restaurant -- our nightmare tonight -- is only seven months old but it's already deep in debt. Owner Lela owes her sister over $60,000 and still needs more. The staff members complain about one another, and head chef Ricky exhibits rap-tastic tendencies. Oh, sorry, FOX told us he was "straight out of the hood," but aside from his rapping, his hats, and his attitude, we see no actual proof of that. Nor does Ricky trot out some sob story about bootstraps and pulling. The prep chef goes by "Buzzard," and he likes to eat the kitchen food a lot. Tabitha, a waitress, yells at the kitchen for not having food in stock. She and Ricky scream obscenities at each other with such hate, I'm shocked we never see them doing it in the walk-in. Meanwhile, Lela is very stressed, which will be important later. But not really.
Ramsay arrives and meets the owner and Tabitha. Sort of seeming to correct Tabitha's American pronunciation, Ramsay asks about the freshness of the "to-mah-to baah-zil" soup. It's fresh, which, as longtime watchers of this show will recognize, means it's not. Ramsay notes misspellings all over the menu and wonders what "chivas" is. Normally, I'd say it was a blended whiskey, but in this case it's supposed to be chives. After learning that the kitchen is out of shrimp, salmon, and tuna, Ramsay orders the not-fresh soup, chicken nachos, and the rack of lamb in chocolate-mint sauce. Yes, I said "lamb" and "chocolate-mint sauce," and no, it's not a dessert. At least, I don't think it is. Ramsay determines that the soup is canned, the nacho chips aren't freshly made, and there isn't any lamb on the (frozen) lamb. In the back, Ricky raps something about diamonds on his fish. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, but get this -- that chocolate-mint sauce? Yeah, the mint is fresh, but the "chocolate" is Hershey's Syrup with "Genuine Chocolate Flavor." I ask you, why stop there? What about Lamb with Calcium-Fortified Chocolate Sauce? Or Dulce de Leche Lamb? Hey, remember those Messy Marvin commercials with the kid from The Christmas Story? He'd make a glass of chocolate milk and then all the hair on the dog would drop off, or the house would explode. I loved those commercials. Speaking of chocolate, Tabitha recommends that Ramsay end his not-eaten meal with the brownie à la mode. Except that the brownies are gone. When questioned about the Nancy Drewish Disappearing Brownies, Buzzard talks about himself in the third person, telling us, "Don't ask the Buzzard, I don't know." More pre-coital yelling and swearing between Tabitha and Ricky ensues.
Ramsay storms back to the kitchen and tells Ricky that his food was a pile of shit. With chocolate sauce. Ricky tries to say that the absence of meat on the $27.00 rack of lamb it isn't his fault, but Ramsay cusses him down. Ricky still doesn't get it, and walks out, saying that he doesn't take shit from nobody. Not even if they give you fish diamonds?
The day, Ramsay inspects the un-frigid refrigerator and finds lots of rotting food. It's clean-up time, and the entire staff has to do it -- even the waitstaff. Meanwhile, Ramsay goes to ask people in the neighborhood what they think of Lela's and fine dining. The answer is: not much. None of the people we see have eaten there because it's beyond their price range.
When Ramsay returns, the restaurant is clean, but now Ramsay gets to see how the staff acts during dinner service. It's all loud dirty jokes, personal phone calls, swearing, and Buzzard eating the food. Ricky thinks that Buzzard has a tapeworm, but I'd rather not think about that. A few customers straggle in, and Tabitha deals with the fact that more menu items aren't available. The best part is when she has to report to her white-bearded, white-haired customer that they don't have sea bass and he says, "Well, shit!" Or something. I mean, he gets bleeped but maybe he just said, "Oh, for chrissakes," which is a naughty on FOX. Ramsay pushes the heels of his hand so hard into his eyes, he nearly Oedipusses himself when Ricky says that no one has ever complained about his powdered mashed potatoes. Lela tells us, "I didn't know he was using instant mashed potatoes. I think Ricky's a little lazy." I think your ownership is a little lazy. That's something you should know, lady! Lay-zey, el-a-zee-why, LAY-ZEY! Halfway through service, Buzzard decides he can go home with a few choice items from the un-fridge. After Ricky points out that Buzzard and another cook are walking away "with [Buzzard's] bag of goodies," Ramsay runs them down, examines Buzzard's stash (a sandwich, some unwanted pasta, a bit of cooked lamb, and opened bottles of wine), and marches him back to the restaurant to face Lela, who is passively surprised by this. At first laughing, Buzzard soon gets angry that Ramsay is impugning his character, and storms off without his leftovers.
After service is over, Ramsay loudly addresses the staff about their shortcomings. Ricky says that he has a "passion for food," which nearly drops Ramsay, who still isn't over the boxed mashed potatoes. Ricky tells us that he's a dog backed into a corner who is going to bite. Is that after he eats his diamond fish? After Ramsay says his piece, he pointedly asks Lela whether she wants to stop acting high and actually say something constructive to her staff. "I just hope everybody's attitude changes tomorrow," Lela says flatly. "So that we can turn this restaurant around. And if you still have attitude, there's going to have to be some changes."
The day, the first order of business is dealing with a returning Buzzard. After Ramsay rails at Buzzard that people only steal from him once and that stealing is bad and wrong, he then tells Lela that Buzzard's fate is in her hands. Sure. I mean, it is Lela's decision, but after Ramsay's speech, I think Lela knows that Ramsay would freak if she didn't clip Buzzard's wings. And she does, and he leaves. , Ramsay puts Ricky and sous chef Lex through a blind taste test. Of two items. Ricky identifies chicken as beef and beef as pork. Lex identifies chicken as chicken and beef as beef. He even gets the cut right-ish. On the basis of this, Ramsay determines that Lex should be head chef that night. This makes Ricky so mad that he talks about barking. Which probably makes him barking mad.
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The order of Ramsay's business -- besides passing by a park bench on Gordon Street (the hell? I guess that's what passes as clever on this show) -- is to send Lela off to a beauty parlor to relax and get made over. You know, because of the stress. In his attempt to bring Lela's down off its high horse of frozen fine dining to more of a casual place where you don't pay $27.00 for lamb bones and Hershey's Syrup, Ramsay challenges Lex and Ricky to invent a Pomona signature salad. I thought they were creating two dueling salads, but we just see the staff sample one and never really learn what's in it other than obvious piles of mesclun. (Maybe Buzzard came back and ate off all the toppings.) Ramsay teaches the kitchen how to make a "bloody good burger" with egg yolks, ground beef, Dijon mustard, chopped onions, and Worcestershire sauce. Ramsay's burger ends up as the special on the menu, and the staff goes out in a catering truck (blaring, if you can believe it of a catering truck, "La Cucaracha") to hand out free mini burgers.
Lela shows up all prettified, and the whole staff screams and cheers. Ramsay throws open Lela's windows -- or loft-ish, warehouse-y, garage door thingies -- to reveal the new décor. All I can see is that they added a new red couch and filmed the "after" shot in warmer light than the washed-out "before" shot, which also had pimples, wrinkles, bags under its eyes, and was slightly jaundiced.
One hour before the reopening, Ramsay puts Tabitha in charge of the front-of-the-house as manager, and announces that Lex will run the kitchen that night. Pomonites show up with their antique Roadsters and flivvers and fill the restaurant. Even the mayor shows up! You know the drill, right? Things start off well, with people enjoying the new menu (Ramsay's part), but quickly go downhill with late food and bad staff habits (restaurant's fault). Lela's makeover must've included a spine to straighten her hair, because when she catches an overwhelmed Lex taking a break after four WHOLE hours of work, she's not having it. She yells at him for slacking off, he yells back because he's not used to being spoken to in such a responsible manner, and then Ramsay tries to calm Lex down. Oddly, Ramsay barely seems to get a few ego-boosting sentences out before Lex just walks away to his car. Ramsay totally pulls a Wonka-ish "Stop. Don't. Come back." However, Ricky -- spurred on by his regularly scheduled redemptive arc -- RUNS after Lex's car as it drives down the street.
Fortunately for Ricky's diamond(fish)-bright future, he is unable to catch Lex, and returns to take back his kitchen. Of course, he proves himself, even shouting, "Yes, chef!" every five minutes to Ramsay's orders. Ricky works it hard, and as per usual for this point in the show, "the food is flying out of the kitchen." The customers are happy, and the mayor gives a rather garbled soundbite: "That Pomona Salad? I think we will declare that officially The Meal for any Pomona day." Does she mean any day in Pomona, or that when and if they ever have Pomona Day, it will be served? Because her red wine lips are making her hard to understand. I kid! I kid! The Pomona mayor was NOT drunk! Hell, no -- she wouldn't dare tread on Gavin's private, personal territory the way SOME people do.
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Meanwhile, the producers have told Lex it's now time for him to stop playing mad and now to play contrite, so he returns to the kitchen and bows to Ricky's rule. Lex even says that he was "proud" to see Ricky TCOB, and Lela predicts, "It looks like it's a whole new beginning, really, for the restaurant." It totally is! The beginning of the end. Ramsay pulls Ricky outside to give him major props for his skills. Ricky is very proud of this moment. Mr. Voice-Over tells us that more of this same good shit continued to happen "during the rest of Gordon's stay." Yeah, "the rest of" is like, what? Three more hours? Ramsay delivers his final congratulatory pep talk to the saved restaurant, says goodbye, and beats it the hell out of there before the repo men arrive.
"Five months later" flashes on the scene, and Mr. Voice-Over says quickly, "In spite of business picking up at the restaurant, Lela's debts were too large to overcome, and she was forced to close her doors." Why don't they try to find out more? On the Brit version, they would ferret out locals and patrons and ask them what happened to the place. This is just unsatisfying all around. Happy bloody Thanksgiving!
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