Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 18
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when the Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter is low, the episode suffers.
After last's week's brief foray to the Left Coast, we're back in New York to continue with Ethnic Stereotypes Who Own Restaurants. As Mr. VO explains that the Hamptons are "a summer getaway for the rich and famous," I really want him to go on and say, "Welcome to beautiful Westhampton, where the rich play and the desperate watch. Ten years ago, this quiet, picturesque burg was the sight of a grisly murder that rocked the citizens to their well-heeled souls." He just has that sort of voice.
Anyway, we're here to pay homage to Finn McCool's, a family-run Irish eatery. Buddy, a retired cop, is the red-faced owner, and one of his sons, Jason, works the bar while the other son, Brian, is the chef. It would appear that Brian is the problem child in this situation, as both Buddy and Jason talk some smack about him. He cuts corners, he talks back to his father, he's cocky and arrogant, and he deep-fries bacon. Normally, I'm a fan of the bacon and the deep-frying, but when Buddy describes the bacon as coming out "like pig's tails," I'm thinking it's one of those "never the twain shall meet" kinds of things. Jason's wife, Melissa, is a waitress, and she testifies to the fact that Brian ignores anything Jason says. Buddy tells us that they are losing so much money, they don't even have enough to put a sign out front to tell people who they are. OPPORTUNITY! Jason and Melissa are both tearfully worried about what would happen to Buddy if the restaurant failed. Meanwhile, Brian notes, "It's not my boat and I don't want to go down with it."
Ramsay stands outside Finn McCool's and notes that it looks like a funeral parlor. Stepping inside to Lord of the Dance music, Ramsay meets the staff and family. The family and one older waitress, Carol -- who admits she would "love to get [her] hands on Gordon" in an erin-go-bamp-chicka-bragh sort of way -- start piling on Brian as the source of all their problems. After letting them all argue discordantly and loudly for awhile, Ramsay decides to sit down for a meal. Raise your hand if you're surprised Ramsay heads straight for the seafood and asks about the freshness. Melissa admits that the clams are frozen, so Ramsay orders salmon, shepherd's pie, and Finn spring rolls.
In the kitchen, Brian knocks back a beer and brags about drinking Ramsay under the table. Whatever, Ramsay would be on his eighth glass of whisky and you'd be passed out from his fumes. Brian gabbles a laugh and grabs at himself and suddenly I realize he looks exactly like the Notre Dame mascot. All he needs is a curly green tailcoat. Brian's positive his food will get a good review.
In the dining room, Ramsay critiques the lack of atmosphere and says the lacy curtains look like "you're going to visit your grandmother." Yeah, if your grandmother lives in a bar. Actually, Ramsay's grandmother probably does. Melissa delivers Ramsay's first course: Irish spring rolls with Coleman's mustard. Irish spring rolls. That's like…soap? Clean as a whistle! Two deoderrrrants! The oddly named spring rolls look like Brian stuffed won ton wrappers with rolled corned beef and cabbage, and maybe even another one with something mashed potato-y…champ? Ramsay gags over the "strange and bizarre-looking" spring rolls and asks if it's a popular item. Melissa tells him, "Um, people really like them." "No doubt half the customers are drunk," Ramsay decides.
In the kitchen, Brian is shocked (SHOCKED!) to hear Melissa's report that the soap rolls were not a big hit. up is the salmon, which Brian tarts up with dessert-looking drizzles of a balsamic reduction. Ramsay asks what "this stuff" on top is, and Melissa tells him, adding, "He likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on." "A little?" Ramsay boggles, and sets to dissecting his salmon. Which of course he doesn't like at all. Melissa clears his plate and Ramsay asks, "Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" She promises it doesn't. Ramsay's relieved.
In the kitchen, Melissa reports the balsamic reduction conversation and Brian wonders if he dares put some on the shepherd's pie just to be a dick. I think he should do it; we haven't had bloodshed on this show, and I think we're suffering for it. Brian brags about how good he is at his job as the camera gives us a repulsive shot of a spoon sinking into a greasy pan of ground beef, peas, and carrots. In other words, the contents of Ramsay's shepherd's pie. Ramsay tucks into the pie by gingerly pulling back the edges of the mashed potatoes and commenting, "It's just a big bowl of grease." He takes a few bites, makes a face, and says, "Just very, very greasy." Suddenly, Ramsay coughs! He reaches for his water glass! He ask for the bathroom! Gets up! And goes in! We are treated to loud retching noises and we are to believe that Ramsay can't hold his grease. Melissa gasps at this revolting development, and even more retching and coughing drag us into the commercial break.
After the commercial break, we are still with the retching and coughing and it's getting so that I'm about to vomit myself from sheer suggestibility. Hopefully having brushed his teeth first, Ramsay yells at Brian for being a chef who can't even make a fucking shepherd's pie. Brian explains his shepherd's pie creds to us: "My shepherd's pie was taught to me by someone who learned it from somebody who went to Ireland. You know, it's an American Irish pie." That's the story? No ancient grandmother named Angela? No potato-famine tale that ends with everyone in Tipperary miraculously surviving on one shepherd's pie? Just "somebody who went to Ireland"? And Brian didn't even learn from that traveler; he learned from someone once removed from actually going to the motherland. Also, to use "it's an American Irish pie" as some sort of excuse, like it's fusion, is totally bogus unless he actually did something to the damn pie that made it an American take on an Irish classic. Like, putting French fries instead of mashed potatoes on top. I guess that would make it Belgian, though. I don't know. But you know what I mean, right? The only thing that makes it an American Irish pie is that an American made it. And that's just stupid.
Back to Ramsay's rants. He says the shepherd's pie tasted like cough syrup and that the salmon was so overcooked, it was like eating tuna from a can. I love how Ramsay pronounces "tuna" as "tchuna." Brian tells us that Ramsay has no idea what he's talking about, so he doesn't care what he has to say.
Ramsay goes to scare up a new segment by walking into the local fire department to quiz the firefighters about McCool's. None of them are very impressed with it; in fact, they seem to hate it, given how they hesitate when Ramsay invites them to eat there as his special guests.
Back at McCool's, Ramsay decides we weren't grossed out the door far enough with his loud and replayed retchings (did you catch how they echoed so melodiously in the bathroom? Great acoustics in there) and shows us all the nasty food the restaurant's walk-in and pantry has to offer. Once more we get rancid beef; pre-cooked, tough chicken; a huge hank of congealed and deep-fried bacon (which is so foreign-looking, we get a chyron telling us, "Bacon"); and lots of barrels of slop. Ramsay grins as he finds one clean thing in Buddy's office, one of Ramsay's books. Oddly holding eggs in his hands that never get cooked, Ramsay orders the Brothers McMullen to clean the kitchen up. Jason bitches that since he didn't make the kitchen dirty, he shouldn't have to clean it, but he does. Buddy and Brian complain that they thought they were pretty clean.
It's dinner service time, and the dining room is empty. However, up pulls the fire department. In their fire truck. Now, I'm no Denis Leary, but did they just use city property as a taxi? And isn't there something fine-able about using the flashers and sirens when there's no emergency? I'm just wondering. ["The guys in my neighborhood drive their truck to Key Food to shop for groceries. Not that it's allowed, necessarily, but it does happen outside of KN." -- Sars] The firemen pile into the restaurant to not really enjoy their meals. After waiting close to an hour for their food, the firemen find the food cold, dry, and just not good. Ramsay brings Brian out of the kitchen to hear all of this. One fireman says, "The flounder was frozen, it wasn't very flakey," in a forced tone that makes me think Ramsay stood over his shoulder and said, "Look at that flounder, yeh? It's frozen, isn't it? Not very flakey, yeh?" The guy probably agreed because what's he gonna do, and then Ramsay said, "You need to tell the chef that." In the middle of all this, Brian gets pissy that Ramsay is watching him in the kitchen and asking him things like, "Can't you get fresh clams?" (Apparently, they can.) We get a shot of Brian on his cell and then Jason bitches to us that half the time when he goes back to the kitchen, he finds Brian on his phone. However, Ramsay never seems to find him on his phone, so all that tense build-up was for naught.
Oh, but the best part of this segment is Brian's reaction to the firemen's critiques. Take a gander: "He's a volunteer fireman. I do this for a living and for somebody to critique me who doesn't really do it for a living, he oughta really shut up." Which is fine, because the time he's on fire maybe the volunteer fireman can step back, look at him, and say, "How do you know you're on fire? You don't do this for a living, so you oughta really shut up."
Back in the kitchens, Ramsay sees deaf-ish sous chef Francis pick something off the floor, put it into the deep fryer, and add it to whatever he was making for the Borgia family's friends. Ramsay boggles, and once he gets Francis to finally hear his spluttering, he asks what the hell Francis thinks he's doing. Francis explains, "Well, the fryer is gonna take anything that come off the floor and clean it." Ramsay, nearly apoplectic, clarifies this whole idea. Francis adds, "It sterilizes it." Ramsay gets this all straight in his head, swears, and grabs for his temples. Buddy comes back to find out what's going on, and when Francis explains what he did to the chicken wing, Buddy's face goes ashen and he demands to know what the fuck Francis was thinking. Ramsay confides in us, "I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite as extraordinary as that." Not even when Jen attempted to introduce her new menu item, Spaghetti Trashinara?
The day, we learn that the Irish family's name is "Mazio." This puzzles me and makes me wonder if their spring rolls should be stuffed with gnocchi and lasagna. We also learn that Buddy is so deep in the hole that he hasn't paid himself yet, and he has a stack of uncashed paychecks to prove it. Ramsay and Buddy discuss the Brothers McMazio and how Brian sucks more than Jason. Buddy admits that if Brian weren't his son, he'd fire him.
Ramsay teaches Buddy how to make a proper shepherd's pie, even showing him how to drain off the excess grease from the ground beef. Brian's reaction to us is, "To have him come to your place and show you what you should be doing the right way, to be honest, it made me laugh a little." Buddy has a different reaction and thinks they are "fortunate" to be schooled by Ramsay, adding, "Boy, you'd be a fool not to jump on this." Well, your son is a fool. A McFool. In a side-by-side taste test, Ramsay's shepherd's pie was preferred over Brian's five-to-zip. Jason admits that Brian's shepherd's pie is terrible and their new one is fantastic. Brian is tremendously pissed off that he comes out looking like an asshole, so he takes himself to the bar to chill with friends a bit. Once he's back in the kitchen, Brian deals with Buddy standing over him and telling him he can't go skiving off with his friends just because they're all in the bar now. They get into a fight and finally Brian just leaves the restaurant, leaving Buddy to cook and run the kitchen that night with Ramsay riding his ass. It's a big mess with broken plates and missing buns and screwed-up orders. Buddy comments, "No wonder Brian's a cranky bitch."
The day, we're told, "Brian's loyalty to his family brings him back to work." Jason and Buddy admit to having a newfound respect for Brian after seeing what he puts up with in the kitchen. Ramsay is even said to have a "new appreciation" for Brian, and he takes him aside for a pep talk where he coddles him, strokes his ego, and tells him how important his role is to the entire restaurant and how he needs to stick to his guns. Ramsay tells Brian he didn't know what he "had on his shoulders" before Ramsay came to the rescue. Okay, so this entire episode, we're being convinced about what a dick Brian is -- with him even saying Finn McCool's isn't his ship to go down with -- and now we've got Ramsay gently asking Brian whether he's ever thought of leaving Finn McCool's and opening his own place? Like Ramsay didn't just throw up from Brian's food thirty minutes ago? Whatever, this is a better clean-up job than Dillon's kitchen.
Along with the usual restaurant redesign comes a brand spanking new Irish pub-like sign, set close the road so Westhamptionians can see it for…feet. It's even got Celtic knots and a clover and Gaelic words that read: "Our name is strangely Italian, but we give you one hundred thousand welcomes anyways." What's really great about the sign is the detachability of the smaller sign that reads, "Fresh Fish Daily." For those days when you have that not-so-fresh fish feeling. The sign makes everyone cry. , Ramsay goes over the new menu of contemporary pub food he's devised, dumping the fried and frozen foods and introducing tableside service. Buddy gives the staff a pep talk before they open for their relaunch and makes all the girls cry.
The firemen, a specially invited local food critic, and half the town arrive for the relaunch, and it ends up really sucking. People (including the fire chief) don't get seated for over an hour, people don't get their food for over an hour, and finally the fire chief walks out. Melissa also has some trouble with her tableside Caesar salad service when she forgets the dressing. (Dude, what is it with Ramsay and tableside Caesar salads? At least he doesn't have to tell Melissa, "Stop touching yourself!") Jason tries to manage the overcrowded bar and, waiting for her table, the food critic asks him, "Do you need the review?"
As it tends to happen right about now, the kitchen miraculously turns stuff around and people get seated and served, even Sabrina Mashburn, food critic. Mashburn asks for suggestions from Melissa, who tells her the shepherd's pie and roast chicken that Buddy is carving tableside are the stuff to get. Mashburn wants to know something about the soups and asks, "If I had to choose between the potato and bacon or the mel-ig-a-tawny, what would I choose?" Pronouncing it correctly, Melissa suggests the mulligatawny. Nice one, food critic; do you need the job?
The food comes out to Mashburn's table and while everyone holds their breath, Mashburn takes a bite of shepherd's pie and pronounces, "There are like five restaurants in the whole country that can do something like this. It's really good." I'll bet all five restaurants also know how to pronounce the damn dish.
The last customer finally leaves and the family celebrates by hugging all over each other. Finally, Brian cries to us about Ramsay making him want to cook again and with that, has everyone finally cried in this episode? Ramsay gives the family his usual homily and walks out, leaving the Irish eyes a-smiling behind him.
Two months pass and we check in again with the restaurant. Apparently, everything is still good and everyone's happy and Mr. Voice-Over says, "As for Buddy, he finally cashed his first paycheck and, at last, Irish eyes are smiling." HEY! I already made that joke, Mr. Voice-Over! Go back to telling us how the socialite bludgeoned her lover with a Jimmy Choo full of pennies.