Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 47
Best Insult of the Night: "General Manager? General Toss-Pot!"
Standing atop a New York skyscraper, Ramsay points down at a restaurant that desperately needs his help. It's Dillons, the place that spawned a lawsuit (tossed by the judge into arbitration) that made Ramsay say: "This is supposed to be the most powerful nation in the world, not the most pathetic."
He's not wrong.
Just in case you're interested in Dillons' cuisine, Martin, the general manager helpfully informs us, "This is an American-Irish restaurant with Indian…ness connected to it." What cuisine do the flies come from? Because they appear to be everywhere. Andrew, the operations manager, says they "lurch between catastrophe and disaster." Mohammad, the owner -- and, assumingly, the "Indian…ness" component of the joint -- says that his wife and family started the restaurant to make a new life for themselves, but it wasn't going so well, so they hired Martin. The staff demonstrates confusion about who does what and then we get introduced to yet another manager. He's the floor manager and his name? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! Khan doesn't like to work there because everything is "so messed up." Andrew thinks that in an "ideal world," Martin would be an ongoing character in a reality TV series. But the world is not ideal, so this will be a one-off for him. Andrew goes on about his duties, which include making sure everything "runs," fixing things (we get a shot of a folded napkin leveling off a table leg), and "making sure there is toilet paper to wipe your butt with." And with that lovely thought in mind, we cut to a shot of extremely unappetizing food thumped congealingly in a pan. Yum. But see, that shot is to show us that Andrew also has to cook at times because the Indian cooks -- cut to loud Indian talking and fires flaring on the stove to underscore what? The Indian…ness? -- don't know how to make American food. Jenna, the waitress, wrinkles her pierced nose at the fly problem and the cleanliness of the kitchen. The lack of cleanliness, that is. However, even as he dodges a fly, Martin says, "the problem has been eradicated now." Mohammad isn't quite thinking along those lines because they are losing twenty to thirty thousand dollars a month and he will do whatever "God and Ramsay ask [him] to do to make the place successful."
Speaking of God, he strides out of the London restaurant just two blocks away from the health hazard of the night. As he approaches Dillons, he balks at the horrifically ticky-tacky scoreboard-like sign running text like, "authentic cuisine" on top of Dillons' awning. As Martin greets Ramsay, Ramsay notes that the name "Dillons" doesn't sound especially Indian. Martin agrees. After meeting the rest of the staff, Ramsay sits down to order, swatting flies. He can't believe the size of the menu with all the various cuisines, and asks sarcastically, "Are you always this busy at lunch?" "Actually, it's a little busy today," Jenna cracks back, telling us that there are days where no one comes in. Gordon places his order and waits. Martin tells us he is anticipating great success because they have "great service" and "great food." Ramsay whispers to the camera about the hospital-like curtains serving as walls, "That's where the customers go after coming out of this restaurant."
In the kitchen, Andrew discovers that he is out of fresh salmon and has to serve Ramsay frozen fish. He is not happy about this. Jenna brings Ramsay his appetizer sampler, and rubbing his temples, Ramsay quietly offers up a prayer, pleading not to be poisoned that day. I've got a feeling it might take a lot to give Ramsay food poisoning and until I see X-rays to the contrary, I will continue to believe he has a gut of iron. Ramsay spears the vegetarian fritter and says it looks like "dehydrated turd." Not only that, it's not vegetarian. There's meat in the vegetarian fritter. MEAT! Jenna notes to us, "If he were a vegetarian, I would expect a lawsuit." Jenna hightails it to the kitchen and attempts to explain to the cooks why they can't serve meat on a vegetarian platter. Martin, ever the optimist, says, "Knock on wood that the worst is over." Martin, I think you'll be using that food for your funeral pyre. Ramsay ventures to sample two entrees -- Lamb Biryani and Beef Bhuna -- but needs to ask for a clean plate first. He also continues to swat flies, find rotten tomatoes, and discover that the beef is in fact pork. When he gets to the salmon, Ramsay turns it over, looks at the scorch marks and won't eat it. He gets up from his seat and invites poor Andrew to eat it, who says, "Not with pleasure."
While visiting the kitchen with Mohammad, Ramsay gets his displeasure translated to the cooks, who admit to serving Ramsay old lamb. Mohammad admits that maybe his standards aren't as high as Ramsay's.
Suited up in his Norman Rockwell dentist chef's coat, Ramsay attempts to figure out what specifically is the problem at Dillons aside from vegetarians eating meat, beef-eaters getting old lamb, and flies not anteing up their share of the rent. He briefly talks to Floor Manager KHAAAAAAAN -- who everyone supposedly hates but as we never really see why, I'm going to assume it has something to do with the Eugenics Wars -- and then looks around for Martin. Martin, at this time, is lying down on a banquette having his thin grey hair stroked by one of the waitresses. Forget the flies, the vegetarian meat, and the ptomaine crawling up the walls -- that made me lose my appetite. Martin shrugs, "It was a natural thing." Ramsay observes the restaurant slightly full with customers, who struggle with the Cheesecake Factory size of the menu. He then checks in on the kitchen and starts to wilt when he sees a cook stirring a vat of something on the floor. The King of Understatement, Ramsay tells Mohammad to tell his cooks, "We've got to stop putting things on the floor." Mohammad translates. "It's UNHYGIENIC," Ramsay reasons. Mohammad translates. At this point, Ramsay's rubbing his eyes raw.
Kitchen chaos and miscommunication prevents diners from getting their food in less than forty minutes and during all this, Martin is shown texting on his phone. Something he appears to do a lot. Andrew bitches about the lack of leadership in the restaurant. Ramsay calls Martin to the kitchen to deal with a cook who has nothing to do, and Martin tells us Ramsay was really starting to get under his skin at this point. As Ramsay tries to figure out just what Martin was so busy doing, we cut to the waitresses. Martin then tells us, "He was alluding to my relationship with the waitresses." Sure enough, Ramsay lets him have it, "You get off on it -- girls stroking your hair, massaging your fucking ego. You're such a fake!" Ramsay then lays into him for employing people who have nothing to do and paying them with money that isn't his. Ramsay concludes that Martin is taking advantage of Mohammad, a "weak, rich man." Martin is offended. Ramsay goes on, "General Manager? General Toss-Pot!"
When the food finally does come out, it's raw and the flies are still living large. Customers complain and customers leave.
On day two, Ramsay has to do what he's been dreading: examine the kitchen. Ramsay yanks down old flypaper, sniffs separated mystery sauce, pulls apart rotting meat, and then spies some steps downstairs. "What goes on down there?" he wonders and soon finds out. Rats, roaches, ants, and flying things galore. There are also boxes of nasty, wet, black rotting food. Ramsay twitchily rubs his head to get any bugs out, which makes me start spasmodically itching every inch of skin and shuddering uncontrollably. Mohammad expresses shock, and Ramsay drags Martin away from his phone to rub his nose in the mess. Martin agrees it's nast-to-the-ty but shrugs off responsibility, saying it's all on the head chef. Ramsay tells him, "This will KILL SOMEBODY -- I know my general manager knows what the fuck is going on in my fridges." Then it really gets frantic when Ramsay digs his finger into a rotten and recently-sliced tomato and realizes that half of it has just gone out to a customer. Martin tells us, "Things are looking pretty rotten at the moment." Looking, smelling, tasting… Ramsay yells at Mohammad to tell his cooks that they will kill someone with that sort of food. He then bellows on that no one will be served food that night and sends all the managers out to inform the guests that the restaurant has been shut down. Andrew and Mohammad feel awful that things have gotten this bad. No report on how Martin feels.
As night falls, Ramsay strides through the streets in a white coverall clean suit -- which sort of makes him look like an egg -- with cleaning gear slung over his shoulder and Ghostbusters-esque music playing him down. Seriously awesome. Ramsay calls in the rest of the team of steam cleaners he's hired and sends them into the kitchen. Even better? He sends all the managers in with rubber gloves and sponges to start scraping rancid gank off hoods and surfaces as well. , Ramsay marches them over to the London and shows them what a clean kitchen should look like. Andrew and Mohammad are duly impressed. No report on how Martin feels.
On to the menu overhaul. Ramsay briefly demonstrates to Mohammad and one of his cooks how to cook simple, modern, clean Indian food. After the lesson, one of the cooks wraps his arms around Ramsay, buries his head in Ramsay's chest, and doesn't appear to want to let go. I know how he feels. No report on how Martin feels. Ramsay also brings in Vikas Khanna -- one of the top Indian chefs in New York -- to help whip the place into shape. Ramsay's design team also takes over revamping the interior and removing that gawd-awful scoreboard sign out front. Can you imagine what that thing must've done to the electric bill? The restaurant is renamed "Purnima," which means "full moon," and the staff is led blindfolded into the new restaurant. Andrew, Mohammad, Jenna, and Nasreen all gaze in happy wonder at the beautified, elegant space. No report on how Martin feels.
Back to the food. Vikas presents a huge array of new dishes for the staff to taste. He's taken classic Indian dishes and gives them a modern twist. Nasreen -- the hair-stroker of Martin -- is wowed. "Mr. Vikas is so cute, he is a magician to me," she gushes. Turning their attention to the restaurant's relaunch, Ramsay requests that Martin not to be so exuberantly aggressive when he greets people. He thinks it's tacky and intimidating for the customers. Ramsay also wants Martin to turn his cell phone off during service. Martin agrees. Ramsay keeps going, "Will you promise to be attentive to staff needs when necessary?" Yes. "Will you attempt to act as General Manager for the first time ever stepping into this business?" "I'll act like I always do, yes," Martin retorts, but Ramsay is already talking again, "Will you not take it as your café-hangout area?" "Will you actually treat it as a business?" KHAAAAAN tells us that Martin is not qualified to be the GM and he wants to go on hurting him. In fact, he will probably chase him 'round the moons of Pakora and 'round the Vindaloo Maelstrom and 'round poppadum's flames before he will let him be GM. Jenna steps in to tell Ramsay that he's being so hard on Martin that it's making her angry. Ramsay shoots back that he's frustrated with Martin's lack of respect for Mohammad's business and tells Jenna to keep her nose out of it. Having been defended by one person, Martin leaps in and starts arguing with Ramsay, but Ramsay's having none of it. Neither is Mohammad, who says that Ramsay has helped them to an incredible degree, so it's up to them to prove to Ramsay that they were worth all the trouble. Ramsay thanks Mohammad for that and says that anyone who is not willing to step up and be professional needs to look for a new job.
To promote the new opening, Ramsay has organized a double-decker bus filled with Indian musicians and dancers to take the staff through Manhattan to promote their new opening. It's like Bollywood on a bus. Nasreen tells Ramsay how much she loves him. "I'm glad you're happy now," Ramsay tells her. The staff ecstatically participates in the promotion, screaming and laughing about Purnima. Ramsay is thrilled with their passion.
The restaurant fills up with diners, and with Vikas heading up the kitchen, Ramsay checks in with the rest of the staff. He takes special care to ensure that Martin's phone is turned off. And now for the all-important scene that was missing from last week's episode: Ramsay beefcake. In every other episode of the original Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay goes into a room with a camera and sheds his clothes, giving us bare chef chest, in order to put on his chef's jacket. This is what he does now. I'm sort of concerned at Ramsay's lack of undershirt -- won't his nipples chafe? Naw, they're probably made of rawhide. The food is gobbled and enjoyed, but then it all goes pear-shaped. Martin screws up orders and confuses the wait staff as the dining room packs tighter and tighter. This results in a kitchen back-up and a Ramsay flare-up. He demands Martin's presence in the back to sweep up some fallen rice and mutters, "Finally found a job for you." Meanwhile, the diners are now getting cold food and someone shrieks, "It's a nightmaaaaare!" Ramsay keeps blaming the continuing catastrophes on Martin and even Cute Vikas is getting stressed. He tells us that he is not going to say anything negative about the restaurant, but he doesn't understand the restaurant. Martin calls Vikas "Vakas" and doesn't know where food is supposed to go. Ramsay has had it with Martin, who tells us Ramsay was just trying to rile him and he wasn't biting, and so takes KHAAAAAAN out of suspended animation and directs him to take over as manager. This seems to work and hot food is making it to the customers. Vikas shakes KHAAAAAN's hand and congratulates him. KHAAAAAN smoothly works the dining room, taking pictures of guests and ushering them out with pleasantries and smiles.
The day, Ramsay has a heart-to-heart with Mohammad. He tells him that having three managers is dead weight and he really can't keep all of them. Ramsay comments that in a perfect world, he'd get rid of a manager and bring Vikas on fulltime. Ramsay tells Mohammad that Martin would be his sacrificial lamb biryani because he's manipulative and fairly worthless. Martin overhears this and blunders into their conversation, telling Mohammad, "I have never used you, I have respected you, I am proud of what we've done, I have never cheated you." Ramsay stands up to deal with the panicky, sweaty Martin, who tells Ramsay he's had it with him. Martin announces he has nothing to feel guilty about. "You what?" Ramsay asks. "Nothing!" Martin insists. "You sat in it," Ramsay says, staring him down, as we flash back to the rotting food and disgusting conditions. "You ran it, you sat in it, you wasted it, you encouraged it," Ramsay menaces, going even more steely-eyed, which I would thought impossible. Martin continues to make excuses. Ramsay leans in and says in his ear, "You let it go to shit." Martin starts barking "Not guilty! Not guilty!" as Ramsay says calmly and with deadly quiet, "You're guilty." Finally, Martin just says, "This is my last night." Ramsay's momentarily confused and Martin repeats that he's done. Ramsay tells him to tell the owner, not him. Martin tells Mohammad, "This is my last night, I'm out of here, I quit." Martin marches away. Mohammad says he was shocked that Martin left, because he didn't think it was going to go that bad. Martin tells us that he thinks Ramsay is full of shit and he's really angry but he is walking away from all of it.
Mr. Voice-Over tells us that Purnima has continued to excel and satisfy customers and "generate great buzz" throughout the city. Would that buzz have anything to do with the television crews, the lawsuit, and the Ramsay? Vikas has even accepted an offer from Mohammad to stay on as a consultant and promises to help "at any limit, at any extent." Ramsay addresses the staff, saying that everything went exceptionally well and he congratulates all of them for a "bloody good job." Andrew is very happy with the changes Ramsay made because he thinks they now have a chance to thrive. Mohammad thanks Ramsay sincerely, and Ramsay tells him he gave them the tools, so now they need to work it. KHAAAAN is very happy, Jenna is happy and impressed, and the exuberant cook grabs Ramsay in another hug and doesn't want to let go. Ramsay tells Mohammad that as they're neighbors, the time he comes, he's coming to eat, not work. Mohammad tells us, "I would like to thank Chef Ramsay for being a part of this great success. At first I thought he was crazy but no, he is a very passionate man." Ramsay leaves the restaurant to rounds of applause. Outside, an exhausted Ramsay admits that when he walked into Dillons on the first day, he didn't think he could turn the place around. But that's why we love you, Ramsay, because you're a scary, swearing, craggy force that can't be contained.