Babylon Dive

S01E01

But wait -- here he coooomes to save the daaaay! I'm such a Whore-don that when I see Ramsay trotting down the LIRR steps, I actually get a chill. He's Souperman. Ramsay waits no less than 59 minutes for a sweaty, greasy Peter to show up in his Mercedes. (It looks like a Mercedes. Is it a Mercedes? I'm not a car person.) You can imagine just how impressed Ramsay is by this con-dick-uous consumption. At the restaurant, Peter introduces Ramsay to everyone. Yogi sits there with all his chins and doesn't appear impressed by Ramsay. He confesses to us, "When I saw him with his hair [he pantomimes hair, which he kind of doesn't have] like that, I thought he was one of these…crazy foreigners." And by "…crazy foreigners," I think he means "gay." After meeting Peter's best buds, Ramsay says, "I feel honored. I've been introduced to The Mob." They wish.

Ordering from Angelo, the waiter who could be Rob Corddry, Ramsay begins his first meal at Peter's. He is soon very sorry. He gets rotten salad greens, cold crab cakes that aren't even made with fresh crab, and lobster ravioli that is from -- I shit you not -- "Restaurant Depot." The thing I love is that Chef Robert knows they suck and is all, "What do you expect?" to Peter Peter Pumpkin Color. Angelo takes out his waiterly embarrassment on the kitchen staff, yelling that they made him look like a moron. This starts a screaming match in the kitchen, which apparently the entire restaurant can hear, including Ramsay. As this goes on, Tina tells us, "At times, I could shoot every person here." With most people, that would be a metaphor. Hearing the noise, Peter makes sweepingly elaborate gestures as he tells Ramsay he needs to attend to it. Meanwhile, he'll be starting, like, three more fights later in the episode.

Ramsay sits everyone down for a very unproductive and argumentative heart-to-heart. On Day Two, Ramsay inspects the kitchen. He discovers stale bread, rotting produce, miserably gray stuffed artichokes, and a leaky walk-in, all before Peter even deigns to roll out of bed. Finally, Peter shows up, and when Ramsay asks where he was, Peter hems and haws, "I had to pick up something that came, uh, indirectly, to you, know, inadvertently to the wrong place." As soon as Peter realizes he's in "the dog ate my homework after he cooked it on a broken stove that was actually a linen closet" territory, he calls on the Divine: "This was, like, an act of God, this morning." Ramsay doesn't bother to ask for a signed burning bush and instead introduces Peter to his kitchen of the damned. Ramsay asks when Peter last had a look in his walk-in. "I had a hot flash last week…" Peter yuks. Being British and in no mood for jokes, Ramsay just repeats, "A. Hot. Flash…?" in a tone that totally kills the joke. It's awesome. Peter mutters, "I mean, I was, like, hot, and I walked in for a second." Inside the walk-in, Peter curses mightily at the rotting food and dripping ceiling. Ramsay tries to make Peter smell some foul-looking sauce, but Peter throws up his manicured hands (you think I'm joking? Keep reading) and says, "Please, Gordon -- I just got up!" Wait, I thought you "had to pick up something that came, uh, indirectly, to you, know, inadvertently to the wrong place." Peter doesn't like what he's seeing and tries to shift the blame, asking, "Isn't this the chef's job?" Seriously. Seriously. The restaurant "owner" wants to know if rotting food is all the chef's fault. Is the broken equipment the chef's fault as well, Orangina?

Sous Chef John tells us that the walk-in exemplifies how they feel about working at Peter's. Meanwhile, Peter is so stung by the implication that he, the restaurant "owner," should bear some of the blame that he whines, "It's like -- blame everything on me! Blame fires in Chicago, Hurricane Katrina, 9-11…I mean, what the fuck -- I never seen anything like this!" Were there fires in Chicago recently, or is Peter thinking of Mrs. O'Leary's cow? Ramsay tells him to stop being such a fucking baby. Direct quote. Ramsay orders the place cleaned, so Peter in turn orders his underlings to clean the place and bellows that they're embarrassing him. Peter, you embarrass yourself. You know, at some point, I was going to refer to Peter as "Joey Tribbiani" but I wouldn't insult Joey. Or his spin-off.

The cleaning commences and Peter wanders in, asking, "How we doin', ladies?" Meanwhile, he's the one carrying a wine glass full of cappuccino with a crooked pinky, sparkly belt, and acid-washed jeans. Peter and Ramsay discuss how much in debt the restaurant is, and Peter jokes that he might need to sell his diamond-studded watch. Ramsay then learns that Peter spends 1K per visit on his teeth whitening and all Ramsay has to say about that is, "I brush mine twice a day. But it goes well with your brown tan." Peter knows it, and preens. Back in the kitchen, Chef Robert tells Ramsay about the broken stoves and explains that the family puts no money into the restaurant.

Ramsay observes a night of service and sees chaos in the kitchen as well as Peter comping shit all over the place. Cornering Peter on the freebies, Ramsay learns that Peter isn't paying for the bottles of wine and drinks out of his own pocket. Instead, it "comes off the top" of the restaurant. In a place like that, there is no "top." "'It's only business,'" Peter grins, "I think they said that in The Godfather." Yeah, but wasn't the Godfather, like, a successful businessman? Oh, but this bit is awesome -- the A&E-vintage narrator tells us that a "bill collector" has arrived. Do you know a "bill collector" that makes house calls? Yeah, see, that's a loan shark. Hysterically, Peter gets all self-righteously angry and yells the guy outside. There's lots of screaming and swearing and threatening and "tough guy"s. Apparently, this was a "friend" who loaned Peter money and now, understandably, the "friend" wants his money back. In front of cameras.

Ramsay has a private talk with Tina and learns that Peter really does fuck-all and just spends money on his own damn self. Ramsay tells a tearful Tina, who clearly really cares about the restaurant, that it all has to stop. The morning, Ramsay orders Yogi and Peter to run the kitchen and cook, while Tina and Mom take care of the front-of-house. In the kitchen, Peter freaks over the non-working stove and Chef Robert deadpans, "Welcome to my world." Scads of customers show up for lunch, and Peter asks his mother to make him an espresso. Tina snaps that he should make it himself, but Peter bleats to Ramsay, "I just want my mother to make me an espresso." All Ramsay can say is, "Espresso? Bloody hell." After Peter slinks back to the kitchen, we get a shot of the house peppermill. Mammoth peppermill, ridiculous car -- it's all measuring the same thing. Peter can't find or do anything in the kitchen and blames everyone else. Ramsay finally tells Peter to fuck off, Peter bristles, it's awkward, and Ramsay finally kicks him out of the kitchen and out of the restaurant. Peter -- in all seriousness -- offers to go get a manicure. With vanity like that, what more could Ramsay say to him?

The morning, the restaurant kitchen has been outfitted with new stoves. Everyone rejoices. Um, who paid for all that shit? Are you telling me Ramsay didn't sell Peter's car and Fat Gold Chain collection out from under him? Are you fucking kidding me?! Come on, Ramsay -- sack up! Ramsay has also overhauled the menu, removing the crab cakes and frozen ravioli and adding homemade family-style entrees like lasagna, grilled flank steak, and porchetta. Peter's Italian Restaurant is now ready to be the whore of Babylon. As everyone prepares for the night, another "bill collector" sticks his nose in, and Ramsay asks him to please leave. The guy sort of gives lip (but not really), so Peter tears outside after him, KNOCKING HIS OWN FATHER DOWN ON THE PAVEMENT along the way! At this point, Peter has even ripped off his black jacket -- the better to threaten in his tight black tee-shirt -- and Ramsay is all, "Not again!" The entire kitchen staff tries to hold Peter off as he lurches around, trying to get at the "bill collector." Peter nearly takes down a parking sign as he bellows, "Come on, you fake tough guy!" Okay, who's the fake tough guy here? Okay? Because, Peter? Hollywood called -- THEY DON'T WANT YOU! Go see if Syracuse needs some more Orangemen. ["We don't want his ass either. Try Princeton." -- Syracuse] Meanwhile, you gotta admire how ballsy it is to get so absurdly violent with the guys you owe money to. Yogi mutters, "Peter, you're embarrassing me." NOW he's embarrassing you? What about when he knocked you on your ass and didn't stop to dust you off? Peter keeps screaming and adds, "Come on! Right now!" Meanwhile, the "bill collector" is in his car and trying to drive away as Peter bangs on his window.

Back inside the restaurant, Peter yells that he's sending some of his guys over to the "bill collector"'s house and then grabs a metal mallet, saying it's the last fucking time that guy's coming over. I love how he grabs the meat tenderizer AFTER the guy has already left. They could have used some of that Neanderthal thinking earlier. One of the kitchen staff implores Peter not to be "hotheaded." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M GETTING HOTHEADED," he yells hotheadedly. Clearly, Peter thinks he's the entire cast of The Sopranos, Goodfellas, and The Godfather stuffed into one Fat Gold Chain. Ramsay tells Peter to calm down, and checks in with Yogi. "They fight a lot," Yogi says, pavement dust still clinging to his wattle, "These things happen." Yeah, on WWE. Ramsay takes Peter for some fresh air and a walk and asks him what the hell happened. "You don't conduct that in my business," Peter complains. What -- you don't collect on the bills you incurred for your business at your…place of business? Ramsay doesn't call him on it -- probably because he's worried Peter's about to pop a valve -- and speaks in soothing hospital tones. Peter goes on that the "bill collector" disrespected Ramsay. Oh, right -- that was all about defending Gordon "Bollocks Buster" Ramsay's honor. Suuuure.

The restaurant opens with the new menu and the new kitchen, but Peter's still being the same old diva. He first wants cranberry juice and seltzer but then says, "Gimme pineapple juice with a lot of ice and a splash of cranberry. It's good for my…sugar." What does that even mean? The restaurant fills up. Peter asks for a "throat lozenger." (He thinks "lozenge" is a verb.) Narrator: "And when Peter does decide to lend a hand…" Stepping into the kitchen to bring out some appetizers, Peter says, "I'm so hungry, man." Oh, God -- he's going to have a Cookie Monster moment and eat everything in sight! Watch your fingers! "Instead of serving the baked clams…" Peter holds a plate of clams and says, "I don't wanna let Gordon see me eating. I didn't wanna get yelled at." "He decides to sample them." Hysterical. Ramsay busts Peter and orders him to "go look at [his] stomach in the window." Peter sits at a table with his mother and asks for a cappuccino with two Equals, and then tells us that working the place was "harder than the gym." I hear him -- my gym doesn't even offer sugar substitutes.

, Peter publicly bitches out a waitress for something she doesn't do, calls her a moron, and makes a big show of comping an ignored table a bottle of wine "for all [her] comedy of errors." With Ramsay trying to comfort the waitress, who is now in floods of tears, Peter whines at the waitress, "You're embarrassing me!" and tells us it looked like she was having "some sort of, uhhhh, meltdown." Finally, the diners leave and Ramsay lays it on the line for Peter in front of the entire restaurant. He tells Peter he's the "fucking problem" and that the place would be better off without him. A tic in Peter's cheek starts to twitch. You can just see the Hallelujah Chorus shining in the staff's eyes. Needing to talk to Peter alone, Ramsay sends everyone home. "I LOVE him," Tina announces on her way out. Ramsay tells Peter to go home and think about his level of commitment to the restaurant.

Peter tells us that he is speechless, but that he knows Ramsay is right. The day, Peter arrives first thing in the morning to order a new walk-in and the whole restaurant is happy and fulfilled. , Peter hosts "the first ever Babylon Family Day." There's a park, food, bouncy palaces, and families. Ramsay throws Peter down an inflated slide and barrels down after him. In the final act, Peter has a priest bless the restaurant, and he hugs the crying waitress, apologizes to his sister, and finally becomes a team player.

Ramsay congratulates everyone and gets a big hug from Peter, who swears he's naming his first son "Gordon Ramsay Pellegrino." Ramsay leaves, and there's another restaurant not going under for a few more months.