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Ain't no party like a Bonanza City party, 'cause a Bonanza City party don't stop. The kids are cutting loose in the saloon. I assume that's not alcohol, but they're already dropping depth charges into their drinks. Physically, at least, these kids are drinking at a college level! But not everyone's joining the parting. Olivia, for one, and Emilie want to get some rest for tomorrow's showdown. Wise move, because the morning, Bonanza City looks like Delta House. Greg tries to "help" the council to wake everyone up by clanging pans and rolling over top of people. This does not earn him any friends, but since he felt screwed over for the gold star last time, his response is basically "fuck all y'all," and he goes on a profanity-laced tirade that leaves Sophia in tears. The ten-year-olds are quite worried about the nine-year-olds' ears. All the kids are worried about their stomachs, as the best Taylor's crack kitchen staff can muster for breakfast is a handful each of hash browns. Fortunately, the long-gone pioneers who left the impeccably written journal have some experience in the area of lawlessness, and suggest council institute a curfew. The council decides to impose a 9:30 curfew, which goes over about as well as you'd expect. Fortunately, Taylor is there to lay out the council's position: "Deal with it!" she explains. She says this a lot over the course of the episode -- hence the title. It's probably a better title than the Greg option: "You're A [Bleep]!" The challenge this week is to rustle some sheep, which are all tagged with playing cards; the first team to collect the three aces for is the winner. Taylor's yellow team, led by Cowboy Colton, take the challenge and win the upper-class spot. is the blue team, then the green team (avoiding another stint as the lowly labourers), and bringing up the rear is the red team. But since they all completed the task in an obviously elongated five minutes, they get to choose either forty pizzas or a barrel of cocoa and a completely authentic Old West microwave (painted dusty brown). The popular choice is the pizza, but council opts for the more practical microwave, which I'm disappointed doesn't come with a yellowed old-timey instruction manual ("be forewarned: ye olde Popcorn Button usually leaves plenty a' unpopped kernels in the bag"). Greg recovers from his temper tantrum to help right some fallen outhouses (which blew over in a dust storm), and appears to have another shot at a gold star. The other contenders are Morgan, the town mom, and Mallory, the town mature-beyond-her-ears eight-year-old, nominated by her sister Olivia for working her ass off. The fact the gold star would be awarded on Mallory's ninth birthday seals the deal as far as Laurel is concerned, and sure enough, the council gives it to her, after a council meeting in which more people express disapproval of the way council's running things. That is to say, they want Taylor to stop being so damn bossy. The tears start flowing from Taylor, which earns her no sympathy. But she promises to do better, which seems to earn her some conditional leeway. Greg, meanwhile, is still pissed. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's nighttime at the Bonanza Saloon. Greg appears to have recovered from his disappointment at losing the gold star, because he's in quite a cheerful mood as he congratulates everyone for working hard. Then he drinks what seems to be some kind of depth charge. Nice. All the nine-year-olds are getting a crash course in how to drink at a university level. In an interview, Mike says they all need one night to just "party on, baby!" and we see him cut loose by chugging a sarsaparilla or turnip juice or whatever they've got there.
There's a piano, and some kid appears to be playing it, but all we hear is the pseudo-saloon piano over the soundtrack. "Man needs his root beer!" crows Cody in an interview. Cody is nine.
Not everyone's partaking in the fun, though. Olivia, 12, and her sister Mallory, 8, of Indiana, are hanging out in their sleeping bags with chicken-lover Emilie, waiting for the ruckus to die down so they can get some sleep. Olivia explains that they have a showdown the day and she wants to get a good night's sleep. In another interview, Mallory says they can't build their society without laws; that's why this town was abandoned in the first place. Don't be too impressed by her insight; this interview clearly comes after all the law-and-order talk that comes tomorrow.
For the rebuttal: Sophia, chugging a soda and high-fiving someone in the saloon. Checkmate.
The day dawns much too soon for all the kids nursing their soda hangovers. The town council rings the bell and yells for everyone to get up. Taylor screams that they've got jobs to do, which is a little rich coming from her. A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Mallory gets dressed while the rest of the girls in her bunkhouse complain. "That's what you get for staying up all night," she self-righteously says in an interview.
Greg contributes to the wake-up call by smacking baking pans together and putting himself in severe danger of being hit by a shoe, or maybe something even heavier. Jared especially is unimpressed, as he and his unruly mess of bed-head only got four hours' sleep.
The council decides to consult the "journal" which was "left" by the "pioneers." Taylor explains this in an interview, and seems to believe it's authentic. Or maybe it's like when you've figured out there is no Santa Claus but pretend for a little while longer for your parents' sake? I think it's significant that the one explaining about the journal is the youngest and most likely to believe in its legitimacy. Anyway, you'll never believe this, but the problems outlined in the journal -- townspeople spending all their money and staying at the saloon all hours -- mirror exactly what's going on in the Bonanza City 2007 remix!
Greg has gone from banging pans to actually rolling over the other kids to wake them up. One girl threatens violence if he comes back in.
Fortunately, the "pioneers" of 1885 have a solution: institute a curfew! It's worth a shot. I figure Piggy wouldn't have been killed if those kids just got a little more sleep. Speaking of which, not that I want violence and deadly boulders to overtake the good residents of Bonanza City, but when the show promises Lord of the Flies and then institutes a curfew to keep kids from drinking root beer until 10 PM, I feel a little cheated. Then again, if a curfew prevents Greg from dragging girls, still in their sleeping bags, out into the middle of the street, it's probably a good idea.
The journal concludes with "What time does Bonanza City shut down for some shut-eye? That's up to you." Well, it's nice that something's up to them. In an interview, Laurel says she thought a curfew would be a good idea, because if their society is going to work, they're going to need laws and discipline. After some discussion between Mike, Anjay and Laurel, the council decides on 9:30 as a curfew. If Taylor contributed to that discussion at all, we don't see it. Perhaps pageant girls don't decide curfews. Anjay's worried that the kids aren't going to like being bossed around, and Taylor finally opens her mouth to offer the opinion that they'll have to "deal with it."
Elsewhere, trouble's brewing; one of the girls is confronting Greg about his overzealous wake-up call (Greg's response is to mimic everyone in a whiny voice: "Owww! I'm a little bitch!" Oh yes, he did). Laurel leads a posse over to ask him about what she's hearing about kids getting hurt when he woke them up. Greg curses, and Laurel pulls the disappointed-mother routine on him, saying they used to respect him, and used to think he deserved a gold star, but he's proved them wrong. Greg snaps that everyone needs to shut up and get away from him, and then he gets up himself and starts to walk away. Sophia tells him he's acting like the village idiot, but he's got a great comeback: "I'm the village idiot? You're the village idiot." Sophia walks away, because she got served. In an interview, tear tracks running down her cheeks, Sophia talks about how upsetting this is, because Greg's such an influence and so important to the town. Then she starts singing: "Iiiiiii don't know how to loooooove him..." Who knows what's going on there.
Greg stomps off into the bunkhouse (Blaine's there, too) and grumbles about how he just wanted to get everyone up, because he doesn't want to be eating breakfast at noon. In an interview conducted in the street, Morgan talks about how this sort of language isn't necessary, since "there are nine-year-olds here." Heh. Her interview is actually hampered by the sound of Greg yelling in the background; he's opened a window, so as to yell that there are people here not pulling their weight. He's not wrong. He's reacting the wrong way, though.
Mallory hangs around glumly, and in an interview explains that there's no need for kids to be using those curse words. Laurel tells us that Olivia and Mallory come from a really strict Christian home, and their parents don't appreciate cursing. "I actually really respect them for that," she says. I'm sure Ma and Pa will be glad to know they've got your approval, Laurel. Greg pops out of the building to keep fighting, and Blaine has to physically drag him away. "The violennnnce...makes me feel very uneasy," moans Alex. When Greg yells from a window that he was nice to everyone, Mike seizes his moment to say, "I beg to differ!" In an interview, Mike says Greg reverted to being the same jerk he was on Day 1.
All of this is too much for Mallory, who runs away to hide in her sleeping bag. Her sister coaxes her out. "I can hear Greg talking mean," says Mallory, who says in an interview that she was kind of scared about what was going on. Big sis Olivia interviews that she feels like she has to protect her sister from some of the bad things going on in town. This is too cute. The older kids are staying up late, drinking pop and swearing. Mallory and Olivia huddle together on a porch, with Mallory wiping away tears as she talks about missing her parents and just wanting to be curled up on the couch with everybody, even for just an hour. Then they hug. Given that I have a fifteen-month-old daughter with whom I look forward to curling up on the couch for years to come, I hope you'll forgive me for getting just a little misty-eyed here.
Morgan, 12, is also from Indiana, and concerned about some of the things going on that are inappropriate for the little kids. This cracks me up again. She can't even get into a PG-13 movie on her own yet! She says she basically has to step in and be the mom. Well, I can't think of a better way to settle down a fifteen-year-old on a rampage than a twelve-year-old girl who thinks she's the town mother. To her credit, Morgan's quite mature in the way she approaches Greg to find out his side of the story. Greg's less mature. He stomps off with Blaine, saying he's not here to hurt anyone; he's here to get things done and build a society. In an interview done during an obviously much warmer time, Greg says he screwed up once but he won't screw up twice: "At the end of this thing, I might not get a gold star, but if the council thinks someone deserves it more than me, bring it on." ["Like...bring on the eight-year-olds? I'm not sure whom he's offering to fight." -- Miss Alli]
At the town meeting, Mike stammers out something about the town needing some law and order, and that most of the problems stem from people going to bed too late, and the journal suggested instituting a curfew. Sophia rolls her eyes. The other kids are all, "Whaaaaa?" when they find out the curfew's 9:30. There is much shouting: the kids want to know why they weren't consulted, that sort of thing. Taylor: "Quiet! Nine-thirty is our curfew! If anyone's got a problem with it, sorry, but you're going to have to deal with it." I'm getting the distinct impression that "deal with it" is the final word of authority from Taylor's mom and dad.
Taylor finds a surprising ally in Colton, who yells for everyone to accept the curfew and to drop the subject. In an interview, Laurel says she was really surprised, and calls Colton an "interesting little kid."
Colton's rounded up a couple of buddies to go hiking with, one of whom is Zach, who calls Colton the toughest and bravest kid he's ever met. Here's a good example: Colton leading his two sidekicks in a charge on some cattle grazing nearby. Most of the cattle run off, clearly thinking, Oh, crap, it's that tough little Colton kid. One steer remains, and Colton strolls toward it, nonchalantly. He spreads his arms, palms up. "What up, bull? You think you can take me?" I see what's going on here; Zack has confused stupidity with bravery. In the end, the bull blinks first and runs away. I'm curious about the thought process of the cameraman: "Should I stop him from maybe getting gored? Or should I film it?"
Morgan and Sophia are scrubbing toilets, so we can be reminded how much it sucks that they've been the lowly labourers twice in a row. Anything's better than scrubbing toilets, I suppose. Like being the cooks, which seems like a blast: the boys on the yellow team are having a flour fight. One of the kids collapses in the street, yelling, while flour blows from his sleeves. It's like when Superman killed Flour Man in Superman VI.
Poor, put-upon Mallory, despite being in the upper class and therefore not required to do anything, is doing her best to clean up the flour in the street. In an interview, she says that even though the upper class doesn't have to do anything, she thinks everybody should be working together. Noble sentiment, but maybe somebody could guide her so that if she wants to help out, she can do something a little more useful than spreading flour around with a rake.
There's smoke from the kitchen chimney, which must mean that Taylor and her team has deigned to start cooking some breakfast. Mike strolls into the kitchen to see how it's coming along, and Taylor tells him that it's not so much breakfast as it is brunch. And for some reason (maybe the yellow team hasn't done any damn dishes?), they're not going to have a sit-down meal. Taylor and a teammate are instead going from kid to kid carrying the frying pan, offering a handful of hash browns to each. "This is breakfast?" asks one kid, dubiously. "Deal with it!" explains Taylor. In an interview, Mallory expresses her fear that they're going to starve to death. Oh, Mallory. CBS isn't going to let you starve to death. Do you know what kind of legal headache that would be?
Why have the host at all? They can just have Jared narrate everything. "Hello, pioneers, and welcome to your showdown!" he says, in an interview, for some reason. The kids charge down Bonanza City's main (only) street for the shuffling of the classes. Jonathan tells them this challenge is in keeping with the law-and-order theme. Well, it is if you use your imagination a little; the town council members are the sheriffs, the rest of their teams are their posses, and they have to round up some wayward sheep.
In an interview, Sophia says she doesn't have any experience with animals: "I'm always the girl who would sit home and read," she says. Instead of going to sheepovers? Oh, I'm sorry. That was baa-aaa-aaad. ["So fired." -- Miss Alli]
Anyway, the challenge is this: each sheep has a playing card around its neck, and each team must find the sheep with the three aces in their team colour. To make this easier -- or, at the very least, to ensure there will be much yelling and screaming -- each sheep has a name painted on its back, and the town council members have "Wanted" posters with the names of their particular ace-carrying sheep on them. They'll supervise the action from towers while the rest of their squads get wild and wooly. ["Double-fired." -- Miss Alli] Jonathan's setting his stopwatch for five minutes -- "That's right, five minutes!" he repeats, even though no one said anything -- which is the time limit for all the teams to finish if they want to earn their reward this time out. Jonathan asks Taylor how badly her team wants to get out of the kitchen. "Real, real bad," she says, prompting Laurel to roll her eyes, since it's not like Taylor's exactly working herself to the bone in there.
Anyway, on to about ten minutes' worth of sheep-wrasslin' (but remember, they only have five minutes to complete the task). The kids spill out into the pen with the sheep, which immediately flip out and run the other way. I think word of the tragedy in the chicken coop has spread across Bonanza City, and the sheep are scared out of their minds right now.
It probably doesn't surprise you to learn that in addition to butchering chickens and laying PVC pipe, Greg has also raised sheep, and he says that if you go slowly with them, they'll stay calm. Sure enough, Greg's the first to snap an ace off a sheep's collar, and the blue team takes the lead. Alex, the kid who was uneasy because of "the violennnnce," admits that while Greg and Blaine may do a lot of cussing, when it comes to showdowns, they're "really great."
But since her job involves a lot of yelling, Taylor is absolutely in her element; she screeches out the names of the sheep with aces, mostly at Colton, who proves himself a natural. I suppose when you're staring down steers, jumping a sheep ain't no thing. Colton tackles a sheep, grabs the ace, and the yellow team is neck and neck with blue. But Blue takes the lead again, after Blaine grabs another ace. Laurel just about has a heart attack as she considers the looming possibility of scrubbing toilets during her entire stay in Bonanza City. Not to worry, though; when Jared, in a post-showdown interview, dejectedly says his team sucks, I think we get the idea who's bringing up the rear this time.
Colton snags another ace for the yellow team. Then the green team snags its first ace, followed closely by the red team. But this is a showdown between blue and yellow. On the yellow team, you have Cowboy Colton personally taking down each and every sheep he can get his hands on, while the blue team has the leadership of Anjay, which involves telling his teammates they're idiots. Colton gets his team's third ace, and the yellow team is going from the cookhouse to the penthouse.
Michael nabs the green team's second ace, but the best they can do now is third place, as Blaine finds the blue team's third ace (no thanks to Anjay, who has completely stopped yelling out any instructions whatsoever for his team).
It starts to rain, and by the time Divad has found the red team's second ace, it is not raining anymore. Five minutes, huh? Anyway, some slick editing does its best to make it look like the red and green teams have each found their third aces at the same time and that it's coming down to the wire. But it's really not, and Hunter delivers the green team's final ace. The team goes nuts, but I can't say I blame them. Whatever they have to do as the cooks, it's going to be better than scrubbing outhouses.
But there's still the matter of earning the town reward, and Jonathan can only stretch five minutes so long. Like, it can't be sunset when he finally gives in and says, "Thirty seconds!" Fortunately, Markelle delivers the final ace with five seconds to spare.
Jonathan tells the kids he knows they've been trying to institute a little law and order lately, and he wonders if there are any other areas of the town that could use some order. "The kitchen!" yells one of the members of Taylor's own team. Might as well yell, "We suck!" Yep, that's right, the kitchen, says Jonathan. So the first choice for reward is something that may help bring some order to the kitchen: a microwave. Just like the pioneers used to zap their vittles! But just so the decision isn't "totally boring yet practical" versus "super awesome fun time" again, the microwave (which is painted a dusty brown almost as if it were an antique Old West micro-wave) comes with a barrel of cocoa. "If we had a microwave, it would take a lot easier [sic] to reheat something," says Jared in an interview. Hee! I love Jared. The kids flip out, because, well, chocolate. The second choice? Forty pizzas. The kids react -- have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live sketch where Oprah Winfrey's audience is a bunch of spazoids flipping out? The kids are like that. There are kids fainting, and shrieking, and crying. Jonathan tells the council to go talk it out. As they leave, the rest of the kids shout their preferences: pizza seems to be the consensus.
But Taylor ain't about consensus; she says the pizzas will last them all of one day: "The pizza's what we want. The microwave's what we need," she says. Anjay's pro-microwave too, while Mike says they don't always have to pick what the town "needs," and he even makes air quotes when he says needs. Laurel's also pro-pizza, and tries to point how badly the rest of the town seems to want pizza. Tough noogies, is Taylor's opinion, as it's the council's job to make a decision. Mike wants to know what happens when the kids start moaning and complaining about the microwave. For Taylor's response, read yon episode title.
Council comes back to deliver their decision. Jonathan asks if it's unanimous, and Mike says it most definitely was not. And the reward? The microwave. The council is about five seconds from being lynched, as the kids erupt with indignation and fury. Taylor silences everybody by shouting even louder than they are, and explains that they need the microwave. Mike makes the extremely unwise decision of publicly disagreeing with his fellow council member. When you get home, Mike, ask your parents what "united front" means. Even Laurel, who stumped for pizza, wants him to hush. Taylor yells "Deal with it!" at least three times, but this time, Taylor, the kids will not deal. They will not. And we go to commercial with Taylor, bug-eyed, rapidly criss-crossing her arms in front her face. This must be how her parents signify "deal with it" in quiet places like church.
Later on, back in Bonanza City, the rage from Pizzageddon is subsiding, but Taylor's attitude is not sitting well with the other kids. D.K. is particularly choked, and he's holding forth on a porch: "I am upset at Taylor because she is so ridiculously disrespectful. And I'm not going to deal with that. I am fourteen years old, and you are eleven; don't ever talk to me like that!" Heh. No appointed council position could ever trump three years' age difference when it comes to conferring authority, man. Elsewhere, Taylor's walking with one of her cronies, who's mimicking the other kids: "'We need to have pizza!'" "They need to get over it," says Taylor. Because you can't spell "Marie Antoinette" without "Taylor." Sort of. I mean, you'd have a Y and an L left over, but...anyway.
Another night means another party in the saloon, only this is the first night with the curfew. Mike tells everyone in the saloon that it's almost 9:30. There's a little bit of booing, but overall, everyone seems to be complying. Mike interviews that it sucks being a council member because no one likes you. Well, it's not a popularity contest, Mike. Not like your gold-star criteria. Taylor helps shepherd everyone home to bed. You know, she seems to excel at any task that involves yelling at people. In an interview, she explains that you have to be bossy to get people's attention. She learned this from George Bush, I kid you not. She's unshakeable in her conviction that being the boss means being bossy. But apart from some unidentified kid saying "this stinks," the curfew doesn't seem to be nearly as unpopular a decision as the pizza.
Not that the kids are exactly bounding out of their sleeping bags the morning. Mallory's thrilled, though, because she did get ten hours of sleep. My god, I can't remember the last time I slept that long.
The kids get used to their new responsibilities: Jared fetches water from the pump, and he struggles with that oxen double-bucketed yoke thing. In an interview, he makes a "wah wah waaaaah" trumpet of tragedy sound effect. Since that seems to be his general frame of mind all the time anyway, who knows what this interview was really about?
Meanwhile, Morgan's taking charge of the green team in the kitchen, with a whole soap-rinse-soak system that seems to have eluded the yellow team, I mean completely, judging by the piles of unwashed dishes. This must be why breakfast was served straight from the frying pan into kids' hands. Laurel interviews that Morgan's always working hard and has a great attitude, and is a gold star candidate. She also says the younger kids are working hard too. In Jared's case, there's a little kvetching as he comes into the kitchen, but Sophia rewards him with a cup of cocoa. In fact, cocoa for all! Jared and Sophia bond over how great it is they picked the microwave instead of the pizza.
And now for the featurette on the dark-horse candidate for the gold star: Mallory. Her older sister, Olivia, says Mallory works as hard as any kid, never mind that she's just eight years old. She runs the general store; we see Sophia trying to get a discount on a canvas bag she's had her eye on, as Olivia voiceovers that Mallory's friendly to her customers without being a pushover. Sophia: "I cannot see any reason why anyone else in this city would want it." I'm not sure why she figures no one else would want the bag, but Mallory listens politely, and concurs: "I have to agree with you and say, why would anyone else want this bag?" Sounds like Sophia's learned about supply and demand, and is using that to try to wheedle the price down to five cents. Mallory, meanwhile, is eight. Advantage: Mallory, who makes Sophia pay a quarter. "I can't stand that kid," says Sophia, chuckling, in an interview.
We peek into the lives of the nouveau-riche yellow team. "We get paid a dollar for doing nothing, pretty much," says Colton. For Taylor and her crew, how much work they do hasn't changed at all; they're just getting paid more. And they're even snottier: we see Taylor and her hangers-on griping about the lousy job being done by the toilet-cleaners. "They're doing good, but they need to scrub harder, because my butt is not shiny!" says Taylor, to the giggles of her sycophants.
Perhaps God is pissed off at Taylor's lip, and decides to punish Bonanza City. I'd like to think that's why the dust storm suddenly blows in. The kids take cover in the various buildings, with some kids boarding up the doors. "It's a twister! It's a twister!" yells Jared as he runs down the street. God says: "Don't think the outhouses are clean enough, Taylor?" and the wind blows the outhouses over. When some kid runs into the saloon to tell the kids assembled there the news, the kids decide that checking out some tipped-over outhouses takes precedence over sheltering themselves from the blowing wind and sand, and run outside to have a look. "We don't have outhouses!" yells Jared. Nothing seems to excite this kid like disaster. Someone else yells that the stench is unbearable. It could be worse, though. Imagine the condition the outhouses would be in if the kids had gotten their hands on those pizzas.
The storm seems to grow stronger, and the kids, having realized that tipped-over outhouses look pretty much the way you'd think they'd look, run inside to escape the biblical friggin' wrath. Zach, who describes himself as someone who likes to take charge, hops up on the saloon bar to announce that once the storm blows over, Blaine, Greg and the other older kids will right the outhouses. Which they do, with Greg leading the way, team bandana covering his nose and mouth to filter the stink (it doesn't offer full protection, though, as evidenced by how Greg and his buddies still puke up a little bit after standing the outhouses up). In an interview, Laurel explains the conundrum that is Greg: "He tends to have attitude problems, but still, he's working hard, he's trying." He definitely has a shot at the gold star, she says.
So who's going to whine about wanting to go home this week? Cody, nine, from Ohio, tearfully tells Zach he can't handle the weather here. In an interview, Cody speaks of his desire to go home in the past tense, adding that he realizes if he goes home he won't see his Bonanza City friends again. Cody's the one who was hooting about how a man needs his root beer, like he's getting man lessons from his subscription to Maxim Jr.. So to see him crying because he got dirt in his eye is a little ironic. Then I realize I'm snickering at a homesick nine-year-old, and feel deeply ashamed of myself. Poor kid.
Mallory's another one wanting to hightail it home; she tells Divad she wants to go home. It's her birthday tomorrow, and she's never been away from home for her birthday before. Odds are, with thirty-nine kids, we'll see more than a couple of birthdays over the course of the show. Divad is great here; she basically tells Mallory to suck it up, but does it nicely: "Everybody has their moments that they miss, their friends and family. Especially at moments like this, when the wind blows your face off." And then there's Jared, in his bunkhouse, shaking the sand out of his blanket. "I hate that dust storm," he says. I don't imagine we're supposed to think Jared's going home. He clearly enjoys complaining too much.
All the kids are lined up outside the town council chambers, because, as Laurel explains, they want to make sure the kids know their voices are being heard when it's time to decide who gets the gold star. Points to the council for figuring out that people like to have a voice when it comes to decisions that involve them. Points deducted for not realizing that it's going to backfire when you listen to what the kids have to say and make the opposite decision anyway.
Blaine says, big surprise, that he thinks Greg should get it. Greg votes (and it's obviously not an actual vote, but I think some of the kids might have been under the impression it was) for himself. There are a couple of endorsements of Morgan, including from Michael, and Colton says Greg deserves the star. Morgan herself says all the kids deserve a star, so the council just needs to choose wisely. Ugh. Laurel, for one, completely falls for that crap. "I say she's our winner." "I say Greeeeg," sing-songs Taylor.
Hold on, you two. Don't you hear that moving tinkly piano music playing as Olivia comes in? She'd like to nominate her sister, who always keeps a smile on her face even when she doesn't get the job she wants. Laurel apparently already knows tomorrow's going to be Mallory's birthday, and after Olivia leaves, says, "I'm going to feel so bad if we don't give it to her." In an interview, Olivia says she's really worried Mallory's going to feel really homesick on her birthday. Again, I'm going to be more surprised if Mallory's the only one who has a birthday over the course of the show. And I ask this, too: do the other homesick kids at least have their big sisters in Bonanza City with them? Never mind. As soon as that mournful piano starting plinking, this was obviously a done deal.
Taylor's still on board the Greg train, but that ain't going anywhere anytime soon. Anjay thinks Greg's still a jerk, and Mike doesn't weigh in here, but we know how he feels about Greg. Nobody's got anything bad to say about Morgan, though. The council decides to sleep on the decision. Maybe they're hoping Greg will "help" wake everyone up tomorrow, and when he accidentally kills one of the other kids, that'll make their decision easier.
Jonathan summons everybody to the town hall and asks how life in Bonanza City is. Sandstorms, crappy food, tipped-over outhouses...so naturally, everyone obediently says life is good. Laurel decides to call out the yellow team, since the green team washed more dishes in the kitchen in one day than the yellow team did in their entire time there. Taylor snottily says, "We earned upper class, and I don't care if people are mad at us or not." How that retroactively excuses them from doing the work they were supposed to do is anyone's guess, and Olivia's the one to point that out: "Even when you did have a job, ya didn't work," she says, to much applause. Again, Taylor misses the point and says being upper class means they can do what they want. When Olivia says being upper class doesn't make her the queen, Taylor says she is a pageant queen, and adds, "The upper class is king and queen of the jobs." Every time she opens her mouth, she stokes the rebellion. One kid stands up to say he's getting a little tired of "deal with it," and another warns her that soon enough, the town's going to make a decision she doesn't like, and she'll know what it's like.
Sophia asks how many people disapprove of the job council's doing, as Taylor starts to cry. Several kids raise their hands, and there is silence for a moment while Taylor sniffles. Are they ashamed for making Taylor cry? Do they think they've gone too far? Nope. Sophia screams, "Re-election!" A little cheer goes up, and someone yells, "Taylor, you're doing a bad job! Deal with it!" Ha! Then the crowd goes quiet again as Taylor continues to cry. She finally says she's sorry, but no one's too impressed. Sophia and some older kid want to know what she's going to do about it. "We're going to start helping clean up the town," she says, earning applause from the kids, which makes her smile.
up, Jonathan asks if anyone wants to go home, and the camera zooms in on Cody and Mallory. When neither of them speaks up, Jonathan congratulates the kids, and everyone claps. In an interview, Mallory says she really wanted to go home, but decided not to because she has her sister with her on this adventure, "and we're in it together." Awww. Goddamn, I think I'm going to cry again.
Gold star time. Who will it be? Whom will the council, in its infinite wisdom, reward this time? Will it be Morgan, the hard-working mother figure who whipped the kitchen into shape? Will it be Greg, the potty-mouthed sulker who, when work needs to be done, is always there to do the dirty jobs? Well, as far as we know, it's not Greg's or Morgan's birthday today, so the gold star is going to Mallory. It looks to me like Morgan was expecting the star; the smile fades from her face. Greg takes less trouble to hide his disappointment, and chews on his bottom lip.
Mallory gives a short speech about how surprised she is, and Anjay explains to everyone they wanted to recognize someone who's a little below "eye level." Jonathan hands over the key so she can go call her parents, and she skips out of the town hall. In an interview, Greg grouses that the award should be about who does the most for Bonanza City: "She got that star purely because it's her birthday." He's not being entirely fair -- from what we've seen, Mallory does work hard -- but he's not far off, either. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't realize that if it hadn't been Mallory's birthday, Morgan probably would have gotten the gold star before he did. Promisingly, unlike the last time he felt he got jobbed, he doesn't darkly threaten to do something about it.
Mallory scrambles into the room with the old-timey phone to call her parents, and the show does that weird thing where they pretend the cameras were there to capture the parents' end of the conversation. Their best efforts are foiled when Mallory's mom tells her husband their daughter won a gold star worth $20,000, and he does a terrible job of acting surprised. Mallory tells her daddy she misses him, and GODDAMMIT I really need to do some dusting in this room because there's something in my eye again. Mallory tells her mom that she thinks she and Olivia will stay in Bonanza City the whole time, and Mom gives her approval, even if in a post-phone call interview she gets teary-eyed talking about how weird it is not having her daughters there. She and her husband hug, and on the streets of Bonanza City, proud older sister Olivia hugs Mallory.
In an interview, Mallory says that without laws and rules, Kid Nation went a little crazy, but now everybody's coming together as a family. We see her entering the saloon to the cheers of the other kids, who serenade her with "For She's A Jolly Good Fellow." ["Because 'Happy Birthday' requires royalties, as you, the former Sports Night recapper, are well aware." -- Miss Alli] Mallory interview: "I think that what Kid Nation proves is that even though we may be younger and smaller than the adults, that we can still do just as much as they can." I learned that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.
Over the closing credits, a nice moment: there's a kid, struggling in a hammock. I'm not sure, but I think it's Jared, since he's complaining more than doing anything about it. Sophia, strolling by, walks over, and instead of helping him, pushes him down so he's even more entangled. "What'd I ever do to you?" he yells after her. "Nothing," she acknowledges, walking away. She does not apologize. Deal with it.