Props to my peeps in the forums! I know y'all are with me in longing for CBS to start showing new episodes, so the recaps aren't as confusing....
Maxine "Meddlin,' Peddlin,' Never Settlin'" Gray hustles up the sidewalk near an abandoned garage. Clearly, the appeal of the never-ending river of booze which flows through the Gray household has worn thin and now her family is sending her out to score some smack to have along with dinner. Or she's meeting a police officer there. Whatever. She chides the cop on his not-at-all stereotypical meal of coffee and a donut. If Maxine disapproves of that on nutritional grounds, I wonder what she'd think of the meal I currently have in front of me -- a bottle of Orange Hooch and a bowl of peanut brittle. I might go into sugar shock, but I need both the sugar and the booze to get through this, kids. I'm doing it for you, damn it. The cop drags a teenaged boy in handcuffs out of the back of the squad car and presents him to Maxine. The kid tells Maxine that his name is "Manuel. Manual Labor." Oy, kids today! I bet the writers howled over that one!
Al the Cop (for that is his name) takes Maxine and Manual into the abandoned building, which apparently wasn't so abandoned a few minutes ago. Manual had been squatting in a back room, which is full of expensive, nifty-looking and possibly stolen computer equipment. Maxine looks around, and suggests they call NASA "to tell them they're missing something." Manual Labor ignores her and stares at a photograph of a pretty young woman posted on the wall. Gee, I wonder if she means something to him?
Halls of Justice. Amy complains to Bruce about how mean Lauren's teacher, Mrs. Schleewee, is. I don't know about you, but I think "Mrs. Schleewee" is one hell of a name. Bruce and Amy exchange your basic Flirtatious Banter, as per usual, but Bruce brings the house down by handing Amy a notice from the appellate court. One of her rulings is being appealed. Amy looks alternately appalled, shocked, and offended. The horror!
Credits. Dingly, dangly theme song. More peanut brittle.
Amy and Bruce take up right where we left off, waltzing into the courtroom. Bruce is trying to reassure Amy that getting appealed is no big deal, that it happens to judges all the time. Amy makes some disparaging remarks about the lawyer behind the appeal, Stu Collins. Bruce basically tells her to chill. She seems to come to her senses, and tells him he's "absolutely right." Bruce smiles and nods, like, no kidding, sweetheart. Amy gets up to go -- why, I don't know, because they just got there -- but then turns and asks who the judge is on the appeal. It's "Action Jackson, a judicial conservative." Amy recommences the wigging, and demands to know what the basis of the appeal is. Bruce, as patient and calm as a saint, tells her that he can get a copy of Stu Collins's brief, but that he "doesn't recommend it." Amy promises that she will not obsess. Bruce tells her to "get out!" and pushes her, à la Elaine Benes. Okay, he just tells her to get out. But Amy interpreted it the same way, because she swears, again, that she will not obsess. Bruce smiles benevolently, and explains that he actually, literally, needs her to leave, so she can enter "with due pomp and circumstance." Amy gives him the eye and tells him that it's "her courtroom." Bruce raises one eyebrow. "Of course it is," he says, "when I say it is," and smiles rakishly as Amy tussles with Donna in awkward attempt to exit the room. Bruce rules.
At DCF, Maxine pores over some papers on her desk, while Manual Labor relaxes in the chair in front of her. Surprisingly, his name is not actually Manuel Labor: It's Joaquin Acosta, and he's fifteen years old. If this kid is fifteen, I'm barely out of diapers, because he looks old. It must be the cosmetic effect of living in the Toxic Lair. Maxine asks Joaquin if any of his family members have contacted him since he was remanded to DCF custody three years ago. "Yeah, when Muffy graduated from Harvard and when Chip married into the Royal Family," he cracks. Ah, I get it. He's a wise-ass! Maxine asks if he steals those computers and then resells them. He tells her that's "counterfactual. [He] find[s] them in dumpsters and rehabilitate[s] them, kind of like what [DCF] does to kids." Oh, he's a smart wise-ass! Joaquin tells Maxine that he's doing fine for himself, with a place to live (sorta), and a job (kinda) and no "scurvy, scabies, or scoliosis" (that, I'll give him). He just wants DCF to leave him alone. Maxine looks at him appraisingly, because he's got "pet project" stamped across his forehead, and appears ready to pronounce some kind of wisdom from on high, as per usual, when Susie "This Episode Takes Place Before I Got Caught Stealin', but You Can See the Evil in My Eyes" Nixon pokes her evil little skull into the room. She recognizes the enterprising Joaquin. Susie calls Maxine into the other room for "a word." As she gathers her papers, Maxine tells Joaquin that they can't leave him alone because he's "fifteen and live[s] in a carcinogenic waste dump."
In the other room, Maxine tells Susie that Joaquin is a "big-brained boy." Susie, in her typical evil, short-sighted, fraud-committing way tells Maxine that while Joaquin is technically a genius, he's also Trouble. With a capital "T." That rhymes with "D." And that stands for "Don't Tell Maxine What to Do, Susie." Susie tells Maxine that if any of the computers in Joaquin's Toxic Lair turn out to be stolen, he'll be sent to Long Lane, the juvenile detention facility (read: kiddie jail), where maybe he can be controlled. Susie patronizingly advises Maxine to spare herself the heartache with this one. Maxine smiles sarcastically and thanks Susie for being so attentive to Maxine's welfare, and not her own placement statistics. Susie evilly cocks an evil eyebrow and tells Maxine that they have to pick and choose their battles. "Don't choose Joaquin," she snarls, and, twirling her handbar mustache, slithers off to sell babies for beer money.
Halls of Justice: Marcy Noble, age six, has been in and out of hospitals since birth. The state thinks her mother is making her ill on purpose, for the attention -- a condition known as Munchausen's by Proxy. The mother, of course, denies it vehemently. Apparently, Marcy has been having seizures, and they're getting worse and worse. The state ["represented by Richard Brooks -- a.k.a. Paul Robinette from Law & Order back in the day! --- Wing Chun] would like to see Marcy put into protective custody. Amy decides that she would like to speak to the child's doctor.
Maxine drags Joaquin to his new foster home, explaining that his new foster parents are very smart. She wonders how long it's been since he was intellectually challenged. He tells her it was in third grade. He also mentions that he was six years old in third grade. Is he supposed to be smart, or something? I don't get it.
Amy, on the phone at the Ranch, is yammering to Bruce about Stu Collins, and all the insulting things he wrote about her in his motion to appeal. I don't know about Stu's assessment of Amy's judicial skills, but I wonder if he mentioned her hair, because it looks awful in this scene. Amy: Get a defuser and some conditioner! Dude. Lauren loudly dribbles a basketball in the hallway. After she makes kissy noise over the phone to Bruce and hangs up, Amy meanly tells Lauren not to dribble in the house, to do her homework, and to go to bed. Lauren sasses that Amy's cranky, and no fun anymore (since when are mothers fun?) and stomps off, in a snit, to her room. Maxine, ever the sensitive one, asks Amy what's bothering her. Amy tells Maxine about the appeal, and Maxine immediately sympathizes. She tells Amy that she certainly would take it personally, if it were her, "people thinking [she] had a bad decision." Wow, tell me another one Ma! I never would have guessed that! Maxine, nevertheless, very nicely pats Amy on the knee and trys to calm her by saying that it's "water under the bridge." Amy hugs the basketball, looking stricken, and poorly coifed.
Diner. Amy orders a fried egg sandwich on roll to go. She's called over to a table by the door by none other than Stu Collins, the lawyer appealing her case. Stu is played by Reed Diamond, who was in Homicide and a bunch of other things, including the Jessica Lange Hallmark Hall of Fame version of O Pioneers! He was also a One to Watch in Sassy, back when Sassy was good ["He was? I totally don't remember that, and I had every issue of Sassy from its premiere until it was bought by Crap, Inc." -- Wing Chun], and he played Marius in the version of Les Miz that I saw when I was twelve. I sort of thought he was hot. Can you tell? Now I think his eyes are too close together. How'd that happen? Anyhoo, he asks Amy to join him, but she only agrees to sit while she's waiting for her order. He tells her that the appeal isn't personal, and that he hopes they can "maintain a professional friendship." She asks him why, seeing as it's unlikely that they'll meet again. He expresses a desire that they just be friends, period. She totally shuts him down by saying that they didn't like each other in law school, and she sees no reason to start now. She's saved from further discourse, when her order comes up. Stu sees her off with a hearty "may the best man win! So to speak." Amy looks like she's thinking about dumping her coffee in his lap and stalks out. Stu takes a large bite of toast. Hmmmmm, toast.
Justice, Halls of. Doctor on stand. Doctor thinks Marcy's illness is mysterious, at best. He testifies that he called DCF because he discovered in a blood test that Marcy had an unusually high dosage of medication running through her system. Mrs. Noble protests that she asked for the blood test. Amy tells her to shut her yap -- well, more or less. The doctor explains that the same medication which is used to stop seizures can also trigger them, if the dosage is high enough. No one has seen Mrs. Noble actually administer the drug, but, as the state's counsel points out, she has every sign of Munchausen's by Proxy: She's a former medical office worker, obsessive about her child's treatment, and she loves publicity. Mrs. Noble, naturally, refutes these accusations, vehemently, but I don't know. I get a bad vibe off this lady. A very bad vibe. Amy asks the doctor how serious the child's condition is and is told that she could die at any moment. Mrs. Noble looks distressed. Amy decides to proceed to trial
Back at the Ranch, Vincent comes stumbling in the kitchen door with an armful of groceries. It's all his perishables, including beer, which Amy, naturally, is thrilled to see. Vincent's roommate has moved out and, uh-oh, taken the refrigerator with him. Vincent comments that this entire turn of events has left him in a bit of a financial pickle. Maxine asks, horrified, whether he's thinking of moving back home. Vincent laughs in her face and demurs. That's my boy. He says he's planning to get a roommate. Amy offers to put a note up at the courthouse for him. Maxine reiterates that he better not even think about moving back to the Ranch. Vincent smirks charmingly and puts a large orange package of processed meat in the fridge. I don't about you, but I wouldn't mind Vincent storing his lunch meat in my ice box anytime he...I'm sorry, I can't even finish that sentence. My mother might be reading this.
Department of Co-Workers, Fraudulent. Susie Nixon gleefully pokes her head into Maxine's cubby and claims that she hates to interrupt. Maxine tells Susie that her expression of "smug superiority is neither seemly nor attractive." Susie counters that she knows, having seen it on Maxine's face. Oooh, moded! Susie snippily informs Maxine that Joaquin has run away. Maxine grabs her purse and stomps out of the office. Out of Maxine's watchful eye, Susie shoots up heroin, kills a kitten and downloads some porn.
Vincent is interviewing a potential roommate, who seems perfect until they get to the door. The Potential Roommate sees a picture of Einstein in a collage on the wall, and asks if he is Vincent's grandfather. Vincent, who, I might add, looks particularly Vincintalious (™ g-girl) in this scene, informs the guy that, no, brainiac, that's Albert Einstein. The picture of Einstein, and the presence of bagels in the kitchen leads the PR to ask Vincent if he is Jewish. Vincent explains that he isn't, but asks if it would be a problem if he were. This, of course leads to some anti-Semitic comments on PR's part, and to Vincent shutting the door right in his face. I love Vincent. I'd live with him if he worshipped Satan.
Halls of Justice: Mrs. Noble explains that Marcy was premature, and has had health problems ever since. She staunchly asserts that she would never hurt her daughter, and claims that no one has been able to help them to solve Marcy's health problems. Amy looks perturbed. Mrs. Noble testifies that she began to treat Marcy at home, herself, because their insurance was running out, and she had a medical background. Amy tells the State's counsel -- his name, we finally learn, is Plymouth (like the rock) -- that she's being asked to go merely on instinct, that they haven't given her any real evidence. She asks whether The Rock is already laying grounds for an appeal. Bruce turns from his tiny little desk, where he's been playing Minesweeper on his computer, and looks at her like she's flipped. The Rock tells Amy that he's more concerned about the child than he is about the appellate court. Amy reiterates that she, too, is concerned about Marcy. She rules that because Mrs. Noble's influence is the only variable in the entire scenario, Marcy and her mother are to have no contact for one week, so that they can judge the effect the separation has on the child's health. Mrs. Noble fully wigs at this, but come on, how else are they going to prove anything, lady? You had to know this was coming. Mrs. Noble calls Amy a monster. Amy looks upset. Bruce looks sympathetic. I look longingly at the remote.
Maxine and Al the Cop play a return visit to the Toxic Lair, where Joaquin is indeed hiding out. He's looking at the picture of the woman that he kept on the wall. Stupid Al thinks it's his girlfriend, but Maxine knows it's actually his mother. She tells Joaquin to take good care of the photo.
In her chambers, Amy is plowing through a variety of reading material; medical stuff on Munchausen's by Proxy, stuff pertaining to her appeal, yadda. When Bruce casually inquires what she's reading, she gets super-defensive, accusing him of all kinds of things -- thinking that she's too inflexible in the courtroom, for example. Bruce merely chuckles at her altered mental state. Amy expresses concern over the case at hand and insists that she's almost completely forgotten about the appeal. "I can see that," Bruce says sarcastically, but not unkindly, and smiles at her. She almost smiles back. The instant he leaves the room she digs right back into the appeals stuff. Way to be self-involved, Amy. What about this kid whose mother might be trying to kill her? Maybe Maxine is always right, but man, is Amy self-absorbed. They make quite a pair.
Speaking of Maxine, she's in the audience at Joaquin's hearing. The state wants to send him to Long Lane. Maxine thinks Joaquin ought to be returned to his foster home because he wasn't actually running away, he was just dropping by the ol' Toxic Lair to pick up some stuff. The old fusty judge agrees that Joaquin doesn't have to go to the kiddie jail, at least not until they find out if the computers he had in his possession were hot or not. Joaquin announces his plan to act as his own legal counsel. Everyone rolls their eyes, especially DCF's counsel. Maxine looks perturbed. The judge asks Maxine if Joaquin has received any kind of "educational assessment." Like a proud mother, she announces that, indeed, he is a delicate genius. The judge pronounces him a "smart-ass." No one objects.
In the hallway of the Halls of Justice, Wacky Court Clerk Donna peruses the bulletin board. See where this is going, kids? She greets Amy as Amy comes up behind her, telling her that she can recognize her without seeing her, because she's "recognized the cadence of [Amy's] walk. It's very authoritative." Amy looks vaguely skeeved at this and asks Donna what she's up to. You know, if Donna were a man, this would be like, way creepy stalking. Donna then asks Amy if she has any brother or sisters, and takes the opportunity to pour out her heart about her own unfortunate sibling situation. See, Donna lives with her sister who, go figure, doesn't approve of the fact that Donna is married to a man who is incarcerated for killing his own mother -- okay, allegedly -- and then chopping her into little teeny bits. Some people are so close-minded. Amy tells Donna to give her sister some time to deal with the situation. Donna gazes at Amy adoringly and sighs that she wishes Amy was her sister. Amy reprimands her with a sharp "Donna!" Donna quickly apologizes. As I noted on the forums, I'm withholding judgement on Donna. But her quirkiness, I have to admit, is beginning to grow on me. Like fungus.
Vincent interviews another unfortunate potential roommate; she's rude, and a phone sex operator and totally abrasive. Vincent is less than thrilled.
Amy's been called to the hospital, where Mrs. Noble is freaking out because her daughter, she claims, is dying, and she can't see her. That's the whole point of the restraining order, lady. There's pleading and crying, and Amy is informed that Marcy has had a series of seizures despite the fact that Mrs. Noble has had no contact with her, as far as anyone knows. The Rock doesn't believe that Mrs. Noble hasn't been in the room. Mrs. Noble flings herself against the window separating them from her child. She throws herself on Amy's mercy, mother to mother. But Amy is strong. She upholds the restraining order and tells the parties assembled that if Mrs. Noble enters Marcy's room, she is to be arrested. Mrs. Noble weeps and moans and screams personal accusations, as per usual for the Give Me Back My Baby portion of the show. Marcy's doctor looks unabashedly relieved. The Rock and Amy high-five. Well, everything except that last bit.
At the Ranch, Lauren is still mad at Amy. Maxine explains this by telling Amy that Lauren takes after her mother: "She clings." Amy denies that she clings. Over in the corner, Vincent hides his head in the newspaper. Amy wonders why she's so worked up over the appeal. Maxine explains that it's because Amy "likes to be right. [She] got it from [her] father." At this, all of North America bursts into hysterical laughter, Amy and Vincent included. Vincent plays with his hair, which is clean, bless the Lord. He's dreamy.
Amy visits Lauren in her room. She wants to know if Lauren is still mad. Man, she's hands-on. My mother used to let me just stew. Amy apologizes for being cranky. Lauren gives her the silent treatment. Amy tells her to "let it go." Lauren tells her that she's not the only person under pressure. Amy tells Lauren that she's right. Oh, to be under the pressure of second grade again. Compared to the stress of Red Rover and spelling bees, all this worrying about paying the rent, and saving for the future is a breeze!
At the hospital, Marcy's doctor tells Amy, Mrs. Noble's counsel and The Rock that Marcy has regained consciousness and seems to be taking a turn for the better. Amy sits down to the little girl and asks how she's doing. Marcy wants her mother. Marcy tells Amy that when she gets thirsty, her mother brings her bits of ice. She says she can't remember if that happened yesterday or not. Amy says, gently, that they need to know. Marcy asks if they are going to try to take her away from her mother. She starts to cry, and wails that she'll die without her mother. In most instances, this would be affecting, but this little girl is the worst fake crier I have ever seen. Amy explains that she's just trying to help. Marcy tells Amy that she's mean for not allowing her mommy to see her. Everyone looks askance. Amy asks Marcy who told her that she was the one who was keeping her from her mother. Marcy admits that her mother told her the day before, when she gave her ice. "My God," Amy says in unison with the viewing public, "she put the drug in the ice."
As Amy, Mrs. Noble's lawyer, and the Rock leave the hospital, Mrs. Noble's poor nameless lawyer sniffs that a child's memory is unreliable. Amy tells him to save that argument for appeal. As they turn the corner, they run smack into Mrs. "Kevorkian" Noble, who asks to see her child. Amy tells her that she can't, because custody has been removed in light of a criminal investigation. Mrs. Noble can't believe it. Amy tells her to save her histrionics for the cameras, and reminds Mrs. Noble that she's lucky Amy is bound by duty to be objective, or Amy would have gone medieval on her ass.
Vincent's Rancherito. Guess who he's interviewing for the roommate position? Bruce? No. The Rock? Nope. Me? Sadly, no, it's Donna, in a non-twisty plot twist. She explains that her sweetie is "away. All the time," and explains that she's in law school at night, she's quiet, and she'll never steal his food, because she's allergic to everything. She then makes some complimentary noises about the apartment. Vincent tells her that he thinks it could work between them. Donna is pleased, since the apartment is close to work. Vincent, who, I am sorry, looks really good in this episode, asks her where she works. Courthouse!? Amy? Amy! Sister! Sister? Blah blah blah, Judge Gray is my idolcakes. Donna tells Vincent that they need to get Amy's permission to live together, because it could be a "conflict of interest." Vincent, probably thinking that Donna will make a wonderful character in his book, agrees. He's utterly nonplussed about the entire thing. Donna plotzes.
Joaquin is kicking ass in his own defense! The computers were not stolen, there are no criminal charges pending, and therefore, he claims, there is no reason to remand him to Long Lane. The mean lady lawyer who wants to lock him up says that there are other reasons to send him to kiddie jail -- maybe someone can control him there! Joaquin calls Maxine to the stand. She testifies that she believes Joaquin is the smartest person she has ever met, but that he lacks the social skills to thrill as an independent young man. She thinks he ought to be sent to prep school, rather than jail. The judge tells her to make it so. And that's that. Maxine Gray: 23,491, Susie Nixon: 12.
Amy and Bruce are walking out of the courthouse after work. He tells her that Mrs. Noble has been arrested. Amy hopes they "bury her under the jail," and says that in this instance, she's leaving "presumption of innocence to the jury." The pair walks past a newsstand, where Stu Collins is perusing some reading material. He stops Amy. Bruce tries to bail, but she snaps at him not to go away. He manages to slink over to the street corner and pretend he doesn't know her. Stu congratulates Amy; her verdict was upheld. Amy is thrilled, both that she was vindicated, and that she was too wrapped up in her actual job to care. Stu awkwardly asks her out. What is it with guys like this? Men of the world: When we act like we hate you, most of the time, we actually do. Thank you. Love, the Women of North America. Amy shoots him down, and tells him that she doesn't like him, and she's not going to let him "turn her into a girl" after she's bested him professionally and then she really twists the knife in his heart by telling him that she'd rather "lick the floors clean than have one drink" with him. Stu looks stunned. Amy smiles winningly and skips off to Bruce, who congratulates her on the outcome of the appeal. She tells him that Stu asked her out. "And you said no?" Bruce asks, with this rakish smile he's been sporting the last few episodes, a smile of which I wholeheartedly approve. Amy says that she did. "Good," Bruce says. Amy half smiles to herself, They stride off down the street together. A handsome couple, I'm telling you.
Amy comes loping down the stairs and into the kitchen, Back at The Ranch, and, mid ice cream, comes face to face with Donna, backed by a very bemused Vincent. Donna nervously asks Amy for her permission to live with Vincent, as though she's asking for Vincent's hand in marriage. Amy is a little shell-shocked by this turn of events, but laughs and tells Donna to do what she wants. I thought we were going to get through an entire episode without some booze, but Maxine takes this moment to pull out the champagne, to toast the fact that Vincent has gotten himself a roommate, and that Amy's verdict has been upheld...Anything for a toast, in this family. The electric bill is here! Let's have a drink to celebrate! The roof is leaking! I'll drink to that! Vincent nicked himself shaving! Put the keg right there in the corner! Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maxine pours them each a large glass of bubbly and Donna gives the world's strangest toast. Nothing I say can describe it in its true glory, but it's a bunch of hooey about choosing families, and how great Amy's family is, and deals that unborn spirits make with the universe and lessons to learn, and, in a nutshell, how hard her family sucks, and how totally Amy's rocks! Maxine looks a little teary, perhaps at the idea that her son is living with a nutball, Amy looks touched, and Vincent...well, he just looks hot.
week: Richard Crenna puts the moves on Maxine. Maxine rules DCF with an iron fist. Amy gets a case involving Roofies!