Halls of Justice. Amy sunnily greets Bruce, telling him his shirt is a "good color on [him]," although she thinks it would look even better on her bedroom floor. Okay, she leaves the last bit off. You know she's thinking it. She yammers that her docket is light, and she's in a wonderful mood. Bruce laughs, because he knows that her happiness will be short-lived. He tells her that another judge broke his collarbone, and all his cases have been given to her. First up: fifteen-year-old Lizzie Turton, who stabbed her Home Ec teacher with a pair of scissors. Bruce tells the now deeply depressed judge to lighten up, because things could be worse: She could have been the Home Ec teacher. Ba dum dum! Thank you folks, he'll be here all week!
In the courtroom, the aforesaid Lizzie Turton stares balefully at Amy. She looks like she just escaped from a community theatre production of Annie, in which she played the title role, red ringlets and all. DCF tells the court that the charge is "assault with the attempt to commit murder," since the attack on the Home Ec teacher was savage and unprovoked, and the teacher nearly died. Lizzie's counsel is played by the actress who played Thelma on Amen!. How humiliated am I, that I know that? Anyway, Thelma tells the court that Lizzie suffers from "Disassociative Identity Disorder," which is basically another term for Multiple Personality Disorder. DCF gets pissy because Thelma never told him she was going to be working the Multiple Personality angle. Thelma turns to him and reminds him that she informed him DID was her primary defense. He whines that she never mentioned anything about multiple personalities. Thelma looks at him like he's a moron and explains what everyone in the courtroom and North America just learned: that it's the same damn thing! Amy asks if Thelma has psych evaluations to back this theory up. Thelma does. She explains that Lizzie doesn't even remember the attack, because she was quite literally not herself. Instead, as far as they can tell, she was "Vanessa." I always wondered, how are the other personalities named? Do they sort of name themselves? What does that mean, then? I guess for our purposes, that question is really neither here nor there, I just wonder. Anyway. Amy stares at Thelma dumbly. We go to credits.
At DCF, Maxine is approached by "Veronica Welsh," a young mother who needs help: She's afraid that she's going to hurt her baby. Maxine calmly offers her a seat, and establishes that Veronica has not yet harmed her baby, Nicholette, but that she's working two jobs, barely making ends meet, and is at the end of her rope. Veronica tells Maxine that she just needs someone to take the baby for a week. Maxine explains that it doesn't work that way: If she surrenders Nicholette to DCF, she'll have a hell of a time getting her back. Maxine channels Wilson Phillips and asks Veronica to hold on for one more day (Veronica moans and beats her breast dramatically at this suggestion), after which they can talk about food stamps and whatnot. Maxine calmly promises that someone will help Veronica, and sings that things are gonna be okay / Hold on for one more day-ay. Veronica bites her lower lip.
In Vincent's BigWig Literary Agent's office, our tousled love god paces as BigWig peruses a manuscript. BigWig tells Vincent that while Random House and Delacorte passed on his short story collection, Algonquin wants to publish him. Vincent, God bless him, is so stunned by this news that he has to sit down. BigWig tells Vincent that there is, of course, one caveat: He needs to write a "title story," one that will tie together all of the previously collected short stories. And it has to be "a killer story." Vincent, in his addled state, thinks BigWig means "a story about a killer." BigWig laughs and explains that he just means something that will "knock their socks off." Vincent hems and haws in shock, as BigWig asks if he can have the story done by Friday. Which is four days away. Vincent's erudite response is: "Uh..."
Back at the Ranch, the entire family is gathered around the dinner table. Stupid Peter regales them with the world's most boring story, something about flood damage, and insurance. Vincent looks ready to weep with boredom. In the middle of the story, however, Gillian interrupts Peter, telling him that he's said the phrase "flood damage" five times already. Everyone looks at their plates. Peter chews his cud for a sec, before testily apologizing for "annoying" Gillian. Maxine changes the subject by asking Amy about the case currently before her, mentioning that she knows it involves something about Multiple Personality Disorder. Vincent parses this for the dumber members of the audience by asking if it's "like Sybil." Amy is, naturally, appalled that her mother knows the details of her courtroom, and snips that she isn't supposed to be talking about it. Lauren interrupts to ask her mother to cut her meat. Amy attacks the poor child's plate ferociously, bitching that she should have become a dentist. Since that would have made for a fascinating TV show, I have to concur. We could call it Drilling Amy. Except, ew, that sounds like porn. Never mind. Lauren asks that Amy cut her meat really small, because Leesha told her that "choking is the number-one way kids die." Vincent snarkily wonders if Leesha looks like Amy, but Lauren explains that Leesha is blonde and blue eyed and young and nubile and flexible. She prattles that Daddy bought Leesha a sapphire necklace, and that she and Leesha played "count the sapphires" and there were twenty-eight of them and Amy looks very, very pained, while Vincent almost chokes, himself, laughing about the "count the sapphires" game. He then saves Amy from further pain by announcing that his book is scheduled to be published. While Amy and Maxine are thrilled, as well they ought to be, Peter responds by asking, "How'd that happen?" I hate him. Vincent explains the conceit regarding the Killer Story in Four Days plotline. Maxine comments that this is one of those moments when having children actually "pays off." Gillian and her barren womb look pained.
Okay, so we've got everything set up for this week, right? Maxine has the woman who wants to hurt her child, Vincent has to write a great story in four days, Gillian hates Peter and is still worked up over her infertility, Peter is a jerk, Amy has a David E. Kelley, The Practice-style Krazy Killer Kase, and Lauren loves Leesha, a fact which fills Amy with a murderous and angry rage. Everyone straight on that? All righty, then.
In the kitchen, Maxine gushes about Vincent's good news. Amy, demonstrating a remarkable sensitivity, asks if Gillian is okay. Maxine snaps out of her pro-Vincent stupor and apologizes for being "insensitive" with the "children paying off" comment. Gillian says she knows Maxine didn't mean it that way, and then Peter proves who the really insensitive member of the family is by asking if Gillian can just "drop the baby thing for one night." She turns around and snaps at him, asking if he thinks "the baby thing" is "some kind of hobby." Amy takes Peter's plate of pie away from him and tells him to "take a break." He extrapolates that they would like him to leave, a hypothesis Maxine proves by telling him to "go!" He waddles off. I hate him. Gillian tells Amy and Maxine that she's thinking of spending some time apart from Peter. Like, apart, apart. For a weekend. Or a month. Or the rest of her life. Amy muses that time apart could do them some good. Maxine, however, insists that Gillian attempt first to talk it out with her stupid son. She sends Gillian to do just that, and as soon as her daughter-in-law has slumped, dejected and depressed, from the kitchen, lays into Amy for suggesting that Gillian and Peter separate. Amy explains that she didn't actually mean they ought to undergo a legal separation, but that maybe they just need some time to cool off. Maxine snaps that "people who separate don't get back together," and uses Amy and Michael as her exhibit A. As Amy begins her "I was just trying to help" defense, Vincent lopes into the kitchen, asking which of them made Gillian cry, and explaining that "she and Peter are sitting in the dark like two characters in a Russian play." Maxine throws her dish towel aside and exclaims that she "has to fix this!" and that she won't watch her family fall apart. She gnaws on some scenery on her way out of the shot. Amy looks disgusted. Vincent hands her a huge glass of wine. Judging Amy is brought to you tonight by Ernest and Julio Gallo.
At DCF, Maxine asks one of her employees, "Phil," to go out and check on Veronica and Nicholette. He says he can't, he's too busy. Maxine smites him down with a smoking thunderbolt. Actually, she reminds him that, because they work for the government, "overworked and unpaid is part of the job description," and basically tells him to suck it up, and do his damn job already. Phil tells her to do it. Maxine tells Phil that she's his superior, she's giving him the case, and that's the end of the discussion, foolish mortal! Phil takes the case file, smiles smarmily, and stomps off, almost running over Gillian in his haste to escape Maxine's death rays. Gillian scurries up to Maxine and explains that she has to get away from Peter, just for a little while, and would like to stay with Maxine while she tries to figure everything out. She begs Maxine to let her stay at the Ranch for a while. Maxine says that she may stay for one week, as long as she promises to rest and relax. Gillian breathes a sigh of relief and thanks her mother-in-law.
In the courtroom, Thelma questions the psych expert, who explains that DID stems from severe childhood trauma, and tells everyone that Lizzie's mother repeatedly tried to kill her, when she was small. Amy, Bruce and Thelma look distraught. Lizzie looks blank. Pysch says that DID is a coping mechanism, and that because most children who suffered what Lizzie did either die, or go completely insane, "they" consider DID patients survivors. DCF hopes up to cross-examine. He makes the case that while Lizzie might have different personalities, she's still the actual person who did the stabbing.
Back at the Ranch, Gillian is making dinner, much to the dismay of Maxine and her bags of groceries. Maxine puts a brave face on, though, and says, "It's good to try something unexpected." She walks into the study, and finds Vincent working on his story. She asks if there is someone in every room of her house. My boyfriend explains that he has to work at the Ranch because he's having roommate relations (this is BD, Before Donna, of course) problems. Maxine begins to tell Vincent that he needs to have it out with Doug, his BD roommate, but Vincent tells her he doesn't have time to talk about it, because he's on a Goddamned deadline, already! Well, he doesn't snap like that, because he's so mild-mannered, but you know he's thinking it. Maxine stomps outside, passively aggressively telling Vincent not to let her disturb him with her attempts to live in her own home.
Maxine smokes out on the front porch with Socrates, the dog. A car pulls up. Stupid Peter gets out and demands that Maxine give him his wife back, as though Gillian were a book he'd loaned her. He asks where Gillian is. Maxine calmly tells her son that they "smuggled her across the border this morning." I laugh, but Peter is not amused. Maxine relents and tells him that Gillian is in the kitchen, remarking that, if he hurries, he can "grab her by the hair and drag her back to the cave." Maxine, because Peter is dumber than a bag of rocks and, hence, unable to understand her metaphor, then makes the same Wife as Property comment that I just made. Peter whines that Maxine is encouraging Gillian to leave him. She explains that she's doing no such thing, but that Gillian is family and she "has a very deep need to offer sanctuary to family." Peter stamps his foot and cries that he's family, too, and he wants to talk to his wife! Maxine waves him inside, but tells him that sometimes married people need to have a little distance, and suggests that leaving Gillian alone is the best way to help the situation. She kisses him, and sends him home. He sulks. Have I mentioned that I hate Peter? Because I hate him very much.
Halls of Justice. Lizzie's social worker is on the stand. According to her, Lizzie suffered abuse first from her mother, then from her first foster family, who sexually molested her and locked her in a dark room for days. She explains that everyone thought Lizzie was doing remarkably well, considering, and that when she heard about the stabbing, she didn't think it sounded like Lizzie at all.
Back at the Ranch, everyone is crowded around the kitchen table for Gillian's Goulash Dinner. The table is littered with beer bottles. This segment of Judging Amy is brought to you by Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lauren turns her nose up at the goulash, and somehow turns the conversation to Leesha again, commenting that Leesha makes real pancakes, because Leesha thinks it's cheating to use a mix, but Leesha is also a successful businesswoman, because she owns her own company, making hair care products! Whatever. The doorbell rings. It's Veronica; she squeals that no one came to take care of her and Nicholette! She hands Maxine the baby and stomps off petulantly into the night.
The morning, in the kitchen, Gillian coos over Nicholette. Maxine dryly remarks that babies are a lot of fun "when they just visit." Gillian sings that Maxine's children "didn't just visit." Maxine tersely reminds Gillian that most of her children are, in fact, still there. As if on cue -- actually, literally on cue -- Vincent wanders sleepily into the room, swearing that he has one more revision and he'll be gone. Gillian and Maxine get into it over the baby, blah blah blah, Gillian wants a baby and Veronica is the devil for abandoning hers. Fishcakes. Lauren wonders if her Daddy and Leesha will have a baby. Amy tells her to shut the hell up. Sorta. Lauren informs Amy that Leesha and Daddy are going to Japan summer, and then runs off to help Gillian change the baby. Amy bitches that Michael is doing things with Leesha that she could never even get him to think about. Vincent accuses Amy of nursing a bit of the green-eyed monster. She denies it, but everyone knows he's right. Vincent grins at her over a bowl of cereal. He's dreamy. Amy wants the attention off herself and picks a fight with Maxine, bickering about what's to be done with Nicholette. Amy suggests having Veronica arrested. Maxine tells her to butt out. Well, somebody had to.
In BigWig's office, Vincent's story is pronounced genius, but he worries that it's "too mean." See, it's a mean-spirited humorous tale about a "thunderingly dysfunctional" family. BigWig calls it "Anne Tyler with testicles." Hey, they said "testicles" on CBS! It's a red-letter date! Vincent looks disgusted by the comparison and concerned when BigWig calls the "infertile couple" in the story terribly amusing. Vincent decides he can't use the story: It's too mean, too close to home. BigWig tells Vincent that a great writer has to be "fearless and ruthlessly honest," or he will compromise the book. He makes the point that by the time the book comes out, Gillian and Peter's problems will be long in the past. Vincent pulls out the Pensive Look, which we haven't seen in a while. I missed it.
In the courtroom, Lizzie has taken the stand on her own behalf. She testifies that she doesn't remember hurting her teacher. All she remembers is that she was learning to make an apron's in Home Ec, and that she cut the fabric crooked, and that Mrs. Amis, the teacher, got mad at her, jerked the scissors out of her hand, and cut the fabric for her. Lizzie says that the thing she remembers is feeling nervous, because everyone was staring at her, and she tried to take the scissors back, to prove she could do it herself. But she doesn't remember getting the scissors, and she doesn't remember stabbing Mrs. Amis. The thing she does remember is being in the principal's office, being questioned by the police. Her eyes fill with tears. She plaintively says she doesn't think she could possibly have stabbed Mrs. Amis.
Maxine comes tearing into DCF like a bat out of hell and races right over to Phil, reading him the riot act for never getting to Veronica Welsh. He hems and haws and cries about the amount of work he has. Maxine fires him.
Peter shows up at Vincent's front door, asking if he can come out and play. Vincent invites him inside. Peter, apparently, is lost without Gillian at home, and tells Vincent, awkwardly, that he'd like to "go to a bar, throw a few brews back, and get in touch." Vincent seems surprised by the invitation, but agrees to "hang out" with his older brother.
Halls of Justice. Bruce approaches Amy and tells her that she gets to go home early. Mrs. Amis has died of her wounds, and Lizzie's case will probably be "kicked" to the criminal courts.
In the courtroom, Amy informs all players of Mrs. Amis's death. DCF says that new charges will be filed, for murder, and the case will probably be taken to criminal court. Lizzie starts crying, saying that she "couldn't kill anyone." She sobs that "it's not true." Amy does her best to look sympathetic. She tops out at mildly annoyed.
Vincent and Peter are knocking down a few brewskis in a bar. Peter tells Vincent that he always wanted "Dad's life: wife, job, kids," and explains that without that, he doesn't know who he is. Vincent assures Peter that Gillian will come back to him, because Maxine will kill her if she doesn't. Peter confesses that he doesn't want to lose Gillian, and that she's only the second woman he ever, you know, got it on with. He hypothesizes that Vincent has been with "dozens" of women. Vincent dodges that bullet by offering Peter another Mai Tai. Peter drunkenly wonders if Vincent ought to be giving him advice. I think Vincent's first piece of advice ought to be to lose the sweater vest, Peter. Instead, Vincent assures Peter that he's not as clueless as he thinks. They vow to talk more in the future.
Back at the Ranch, Gillian, walking the baby, finds a copy of Vincent's story and begins to read.
Upstairs, Amy and Lauren are playing go fish. Amy wins and Lauren cries that Leesha always lets her win, something that Amy says is no longer a good idea, now that Lauren is old enough to be a good sport. Lauren wonders if Amy doesn't like Leesha. I don't care about this storyline at all, so let me just save everyone else the pain of slogging through an inhuman amount of cutesy Lauren speak and tell you that Lauren really doesn't like Leesha, she was just faking it because she thought Amy wanted her to. Amy tells her that she can be honest with her always, tucks her in, leaves the room and does the "Yesss!" arm pump. Thank God that's over.
Downstairs, Vincent walks in on Gillian, who has his story in her hand. He apologizes, and swears the characters are fictionalized. She takes a swig of product-placed Molson Ice Beer. This segment of Judging Amy is brought to you by Coors. Rocky Mountain freshness. Ice Brewed. Molson Ice. Vincent, very sincerely, tells her that if he's hurt her, "there is no excuse." She tells him that, on the contrary, he made her see herself more clearly, that her obsession with having a baby has made her a caricature of the person she used to be. She tells Vincent that she realized that she ought to give up the ghost of having her own baby, and think about adoption. Vincent asks her not to make a big decision based on his "stupid story." Gillian smiles, and informs him that, in fact, his story hit the nail on the head, and that while his job is to tell the truth, her job is to learn from it. She pats him on the back and leaves the room. See? Vincent brings truth and goodness to the world through the power of his art.
Bruce enters Amy's office to find her curled up on the sofa with a magazine, looking pensive and not very Judge-like. Amy sighs that Lizzie Turton is being charged as an adult. She's distraught that they'll never know what happens to her. Bruce gently informs her that this is all part of her job. He advises her to put it out of her mind, although he knows it's hard. Amy berates herself for worrying about missing Lauren's dance recital, when so many people have so many more serious worries. Bruce grins and reminds her that dance recitals are "a pain in the ass." He pokes fun at the way the little dancers pout if their parents miss the recital, sticking out his lower lip until Amy laughs. She tells him she's "glad he's around." He sincerely tells her he's glad he can help. They fall into each other's arms, kissing passionately. Sadly, that last part is not true.
At Veronica's apartment, Maxine attempts both to return the baby, and to help Veronica cope. Veronica informs Maxine, however, that she doesn't want the baby back, that she's in no shape to care for a child, period. She snaps that she doesn't think she really loves Nicholette at all, and that she doesn't want the baby to be raised in that kind of home. She forces Maxine to take the baby back and slams the door on her. Maxine just stands in the hallway for a moment, holding the sweet little thing in her pink cap, and looks thoughtful.
Back at the Ranch, Amy leaves to go to the movies. Lauren is at a sleepover. Vincent is back at his apartment. Gillian has gone home to Peter. Maxine is, blissfully, alone. She makes herself a cup of coffee and looks through a family photo album. One of the pictures is an early family photo, complete with Maxine in Cagney and Lacey hair. The soundtrack sings that "I get along without you very well," as Maxine rubs the photo of her late husband sentimentally. And we fade to black.