Props to g-girl and her clever turn of phrase.
First, I have a heart attack, because for some reason, what I thought was my Judging Amy tape has, in fact, got all this Sex and the City on it, and it is so very possible that in my spazzy summer spaciness of the last few weeks, I've taped over her Honor, but no! I'm so very much smarter than I thought, and there she is after all, tacked right onto the end of Carrie and Co.
Second, I get up to pour myself a glass of water when I realize, there's beer in the fridge. Cold, frosty, delicious beer. Hmmm, beer! So, anyway, the upshot of both of these things is that you might want to just prepare yourself, because I'm feeling stupid today, and I'm getting drunk, and stupid plus drunk equals a quite possibly moronic recap.
So, Amy's presiding over a bunch of coughing, wheezing, sniffly extras and character actors and she says something about being glad that everyone could make it to court, despite it being flu season. DCF blows his nose and starts telling Amy about these three kids, who've been in and out of foster care, bliddly blah blah, and he's really getting going when a bailiff walks in, and tries to escort the defendant out of the courtroom. Defendant protests. The bailiff tells Amy that the defendant is scheduled to have a hearing in another court. Amy informs the bailiff that the defendant is currently in the middle of a hearing. The bailiff shrugs, and escorts the defendant out of the courtroom. Amy is ready to spit nails, but Bruce merely raises one eyebrow and calmly calls a five-minute recess.
In chambers, Amy rips off her robe to reveal a rather cute red boatnecked top. She's sputtering about the outrage of having her courtroom interrupted. Bruce picks up the Batphone, and gets the scoop; apparently, the judge who demanded the defendant's presence is, duh, in session.
So Amy puts her robes back on, stomps into said judge's courtroom and demands to know why he disrupted her usually swift meting-out of justice. The Judge tells her, basically, that family court is less important than criminal court. Amy gives him a piece of her mind, playing the children and families guilt card. She attempts to bring the defendant back with her, but the Judge threatens him with contempt. Amy's smarter than that, though, yes, siree! She's already done some fancy-schamcy judge paperwork to ensure that the defendant is legally allowed to abandon the criminal proceedings in order to attend to his case in family court. She stomps out, as the Judge simmers on the bench and threatens to tell Amy's supervisor on her. But that doesn't scare Her Spunkiness. She drags the defendant and Bruce back to the high holiness that is family court.
And this is the part where they show the credits.
I wonder, at this point, if I've already recapped this episode. I don't think so, but everything is beginning to look the same. Anyway, Back at the Ranch, three things are established: Amy is taking Lauren to get a costume for her dance recital, Amy is tired, and it is cold outside. Moving along.
At the Rancherito, Vincent helps Gillian and Peter write a letter to a prospective birth mother. Judging from Vincent's mussed hair and exasperated expression, this project is going as well as one might expect; which is, not. See, Gillian wants to stress what kind of loving individuals she and Peter are. Peter wants to stress that they have a lot of moola. Vincent suggests that they just write an honest letter, about why they want to be parents. Peter cradles a guitar. Please, Lord, please, if you are at all a merciful God, please, please don't let Peter pluck one string of that instrument. Please. Because if I have to watch that man sing again, I, like Oedipus, will rip my eyes from my face with my bare hands and, for good measure, will also puncture my eardrums with a sharp object. Like this pencil here. See, God? It's in my hand. It's poised at the ready. I'm not even joking. One note from Mr. Sweater Vest over there, and I swear I'll make myself into a 21st-century Helen Keller. Except with more talking. I hold my pencil right by my right ear, as Vincent starts writing a lovely letter. Mid-sentence, Donna walks in. Vincent introduces her to his brother and sister-in-law, and Donna claims to be "a big fan of your whole family." That's because she hasn't heard Peter sing yet. Vincent asks after Donna's weekend (it was the weekend in which she, allegedly, lost her virginity to her convict husband, Oscar Pant, during their first conjugal visit). Donna's not very forthcoming about her weekend in the Temporary Trailer of Conjugal Love, and scurries off to her room. I put the pencil down. Thank you, God. It's hard to watch TV when you've blinded yourself.
At DCF, everyone is overworked. And, according to the Evil Susie Nixon, one of their co-workers has quit, and cannot be replaced for almost a year. Moaning and crying commences. Clothing is rent; hair, torn. Susie gives Maxine yet more cases, including one concerning an eleven-year-old boy suspected of arson who will not give anyone his real name. There's much whining, but Susie doesn't care. Susie is the Devil! The Devil, I tell you! Can't you see the forked tongue, and the little pointed tail poking out from underneath her linen skirt? She's Lucifer, Old Scratch, Beelzebub, the Dark Angel, Satan, Old Nick, The Prince of Darkness, the Ruler of Hades, and the fiery inferno raging below us all! She sucks.
Halls of Justice. Case du Jour; Spanking: Child abuse, or appropriate method of discipline? Talk amongst yourselves. I need another beer. All DCF wants is for "parenting issues" to be addressed in the Spanking Family. Defendant brats that he can spank his kid if he wants; it's in the Bible, you know! It's freedom of religion! Spare the rod! Amy appoints a court investigator to check out the whole ball of wax.
Maxine sees the Firestarter. He is, indeed, fiery, telling Maxine that his name is "Wu Tang." Maxine tries to get the kid to tell him her real name by spouting some mumbo jumble about how she hates her own name, and that she's tried to get people to call her Maxie, but it never caught on. I have an Uncle Maxie. Actually, he and Maxine look somewhat alike. Anyway, Wu Tang will have none of Maxine's pseudo-sympathetic psychobabble. He's silent. She guesses that maybe Wu doesn't want to have to go home. Wu articulately tells Maxine that she "don't know nothing." Maxine offers to help him, as long as he tells her his name. She pats him on the arm, and Wu flips, smacking her right in the eye, and yelling at her not to touch him! Whoo hoo! Violence! Add in some sex and swearing, and this'll be right up there with NYPD Blue.
The morning, a phone call wakes Maxine, who's got one hell of a shiner. She tells Amy she walked into the bedpost.
Rancherito. Early morning. Donna is watching the Weather Channel, eating tuna from a can, with a huge snake wrapped around her neck. Vincent stumbles sleepily into the kitchen, and, instead of, oh, yelling and screaming and asking Donna what the hell is going on, with the snake, and the tuna, and the weather channel, Vincent merely looks somewhat perplexed. Keeping one eye on the snake, he gets a huge coffee mug out of the cupboard. It looks just like my Yosemite mug! That's Vincent, sending me a secret signal of love and telling me, through the medium of television, that we are meant to be 2gether 4ever. He calmly asks Donna if "that's a snake?" No, Vincent. It's very weird scarf. Donna introduces the snake, Chuck, to the mildly perturbed Vincent. He asks if he knew she had a snake. She says that, probably, he did not. Vincent just chuckles.
In Amy's chambers, she questions the Spanked Child. He tells her that sometimes his dad spanks him, with an open hand, when he's bad. Sometimes, he uses a belt. If he's really bad. Sometimes, it makes marks. Afterwards, the Spankee says, the Spanker tells the Spankee that he loves him. Pensive looks for everyone! Put them on my tab!
Maxine is interviewing Wu Tang's sister, a real dingbat who was recently arrested for assault and battery. She spends the entire interview picking at her skin. Tasha, for that is her name, wants to stay at the jail. She likes it there. Maxine thinks they can do better than that. I like Tasha's hair. So she's crazy, so what? Her hair is dope, yo.
Maxine tells Satan that Tasha exhibits the beginning signs of schizophrenia, and Wu has been charged with having sex with an unwilling neighbor girl. Maxine wants to try to place the kids with their grandmother, but Old Scratch poo-poos the entire thing. See, they don't have time to track down the grandma! Toss the kids in the slammer! "Who cares?" Lucifer asks. "Have you seen my pitchfork?" She wanders off to torture some damned souls. Maxine mutters that if she were still in charge, she'd fire Susie. Ah, Maxine, Beelzebub cannot be fired. The Princess of Darkness is her own boss.
Maxine tracks Grandma down at a home. She tells Maxine that she couldn't control the kids before, and that she can't do so now, even with the help of an aid. It's too hard. They're too crazy. She's too old. Grandma suggests that Maxine find the children's father, "Jarred something."
Maxine tries to get the kids in children's psych facility, but the head honcho tells her that he simply has no beds. Maxine gets in his face. He tells her that he's got other pressing cases, that he'd love to help, but that he just can't. Maxine begs. Honcho tells her that he's got his hands full. Maxine blows a gasket, then, telling him that she's sick of the "numbing indifference" she encounters on a regular basis, and she slams his door and refuses to leave under he does something for her. Honcho wearily agrees to find Wu and Tasha beds.
Halls of Justice, Amy wants Spanker to take parenting classes. Spanker is not down with that. Spanker's counsel calls it a violation of constitutional rights. Amy tells him that the constitution doesn't protect a parent's right to spank his child. Spanker tells her that he won't go to classes, and that he can raise Spankee however he wishes. Amy goes outside and unveils a large billboard, which reads: "Dumbass! When a judge tells you to go to parenting classes, you can't just say, 'No, thanks! Don't want to! Nope!' You go, or you lose the kid. Capice?" She tells him to think about it.
Family court -- not Amy's. Tasha and Wu Tang are being remanded to Lakeview, a psychiatric hospital, for observation. Wu Tang says he ain't going to no hospital. Hospital, schmospital, can they send him to a remedial grammar class? The judge in this case agrees. About the hospital, she doesn't mention the grammar problem. The judge lady sends the kids to the mental hospital. Wu screeches all the way out the door. Maxine Gray: 1, The Devil: 0.
Amy is called into Judge Brook's chambers. He's a big wig, I guess. There, she meets the Judge who stole the dude from her courtroom earlier. The dude, by the way, has totally disappeared. The dude is what is known as a "plot contrivance." Amy doesn't let anyone say anything, naturally, but launches into a big old speech about her court being no less important than any other court, yadda yadda yadda. Both of the other judges actually agree with her, however, and they call her impressive, and outspoken and spunky and sassy, and passionate, and spiffy, and offer her a position in the criminal courts. She promises to think about it.
Amy takes Lauren to get her costume. They're out of the blue butterfly ensembles that Lauren needs. Lauren throws a massive, bratty fit, screaming and crying and stamping her feet. Amy tries to bribe the costume lady to get Lauren's costume overnight, from the costume factory. The costume lady lights a cigarette and tells Amy that her only option is to make the costume herself. Lauren screams like a very small, extremely annoying banshee.
Back at the Ranch, Lauren complains that her costume is going to suck, and that Amy sucks and that she hates the world. Guess what Lauren? The world hates you. Vincent tells Amy about Donna's snake, Chuck. Lauren tells her mother that she blows. Vincent tells Amy that Donna is insane. Maxine waxes poetic about her garden. Lauren says that Amy is a fat, stupid beeyotch. Peter and Gillian arrive, pregnant Evie, the birth mother, in hand. They've invited her to see the "extended family." Maxine asks her to say for dinner. Lauren screams that she hates Amy and that Amy ruined her life. Amy screams at her to go to her room. Everyone stares at Amy in shock. She snips that none of them have children! She stomps off. Actually, Amy, Maxine has children. And Evie, well, she's very pregnant. And Gillian and Peter are about ready to adopt a child. So, that's actually several parents, right there. Anyway. Vincent grins his sleepy, fantastic smile at Evie, and welcomes her to the family. She sort of stares at him. Man, her eyes say, "These people are nuts, but that guy is hot!"
Amy stomps into Lauren's room and explains that she is not Lauren's servant, and that she deserves respect. Lauren sasses her again. Amy tells her that there are children in the world who don't know what a dance class is. Lauren back-talks some more. Amy tells her that she's the only mother Lauren will ever have, and she better get used to it. Lauren flounces her feet down on the bed in an exasperated movement that I admit I tried on several occasions. Of course, whereas my mother would then ground me and give me the Morgan Family's Patented Look of Death, guaranteed to reduce any fruit of her loins, regardless of age, to mere dust, Amy just kisses Lauren on the check and leaves the room.
Bruce shows up at the door of the Ranch. He tells Amy that if she goes to Criminal Courts, he won't go with her. He's upset that she didn't tell him about her big move. She brats that she hasn't actually made a decision, and wonders if Bruce came all the way over to her house in the middle of the night just to tell her that he won't tag along to Criminal Courts. "I sure as hell did," he says, "because I love you, woman! Are you blind?" (He leaves that last part off). Bruce tells Amy that he specifically chose to study family law, and he thought she felt the same way. She hems and haws.
Later that night, Amy wrestles with the costume pattern. Maxine offers to assist her, but Amy will not accept her help. Maxine expresses doubt that the costume will turn out well. Amy says she can read directions. Maxine says that she, Maxine, can do it in an hour. Amy says she can do it all by herself. Maxine purses her lips and tells Amy all weepily that she had a tough day. She stomps out to sob by the fire.
Amy chases her into the living room. Maxine explains that "everything" has become "too damn hard." She tells Amy how disheartening and hurtful her job is, and how tired she is of the entire thing. Amy tells her that it's always been hard. Maxine tells Amy she doesn't know anything about it. Amy brats that her job is tough too, but Maxine wouldn't know, because Maxine has never come to see her in court, as though court were a play that Amy was starring in. Oh, that's kind of Meta, isn't it? Anyway, Maxine says she didn't know Amy wanted her to come to watch her do her job. Amy says she shouldn't have to invite her, and that Maxine's negative attitude is not making her feel better about her own job. Maxine wisely points out that it is not her job to make Amy feel better. She stamps her way up the stairs, taking a little piece of the scenery to nibble on, in bed, with a good book.
Morning at the Ranch. A completed costume hangs on the wall. Maxine finds Amy, outside in the cold, trying to wake up. Maxine comments the costume is gorgeous. Amy says it took her all night. She sniffs. They talk about the garden. I think it's a metaphor, but I'm a little drunk, and what do I know from metaphors in this state? Amy asks Maxine what she thinks about spanking. Maxine tells her that you don't hit people you love. Amy asks Maxine not to quit her job, and explains that she's always known Maxine did important work, and now, she's in family court because of her good example. "It's a harder world," Amy says, "but that just means we have to work harder." Maxine smiles.
Rancherito. Donna makes a smoothie, watching the weather channel. Vincent wants to talk to her, about the whole being the roommate from hell thing, but she bursts into tears. Vincent warily wonders what's wrong. Donna says she's "a failure as a wife." "Already?" Vincent asks. And oh, here is the first in a series of Vincent and Donna Comedy Sex Ed Scenes. Donna confesses that, during the conjugal visit, all did not go as planned. She communicates to Vincent through a series of hand movements that Oscar, you know, had some issues with getting to more than half-mast. Vincent suggests that Donna discuss this with Amy. Donna tells Vincent that she can't discuss her womanly failures with her mentor! Vincent tells Donna that, you know, this kind of thing happens all the time. Donna worries that Oscar will never be able to get it up. She asks if Vincent's ever, you know, not, you know. You know. She won't let him dodge the bullet, and says that, you know, he's such a stud, and, you know, if, you know, he's, you know, had problems, then, well, you know, she'd feel better about Oscar's little inability to, ahem, salute her womanliness, as it were. Vincent looks, appropriately, at his lap, and grits his teeth, and confesses that once, one time, one time out of many, just once! Once, after drinking, and drinking a whole lot, was he unable to bring his soldier to attention. Donna smiles with relief. She thanks him. Vincent stares at the ground.
Amy turns down the chance to move to the criminal courts. Judge Booth tells her that she's turning down a great chance to improve her career. Amy says some mushy stuff about catching kids before it's too late for them to have a fighting chance, blah, blah, blah, someone has to watch out for the childrencakes!
I'd just like to say that Amy's hair looks fantastic throughout this entire episode. Bravo, hairdresser! Bravo!
In the courtroom, Bruce tells Amy how glad he is that she is staying in family court. God, you two! Just. Do. It. Spanker tells Amy that he will take the suggested parenting classes, but he resents it! He resents the intrusion! It's a private family matter! He's from a good family! She's just a stupid girl! He likes to spank people! So, nyah, nyah, he'll go to stupid parenting classes, but she can't force him to learn! Amy tells him calmly that if he treated an adult as he treated his son, he would be guilty of battery. She reminds him that Seth, his son, is small, and defenseless, and that you can't teach someone respect without respecting him or her first. She tells him that his child is not his property. She'll check in on them in three months. And he better shape up before then. In the background, Maxine watches proudly. She leans over to another spectator as Amy finishes up what was, okay, a rather good speech, and tells the stranger that the judge is her daughter. She smiles proudly at Amy, a little weepy. As am I. Damn it! This show's shameless emotional manipulation has made me its bitch!