We fade up on Amy walking Lauren to school, and the kid's in full-on brat mode already, whining about how Amy had to buy "turkey cookies" for her class's Thanksgiving Feast instead of making them, like a proper mother. Instead of telling Lauren to shut up and be grateful that she's got any cookies at all, Amy apologizes. Lauren whines that she hates Thanksgiving. Amy tries to convince her that they're "going to have great time," with the turkey, and the pie and the parade. Lauren whips out the Guilt and mopes that all the rest of the kids in her class have a "normal family," and wonders why her father can't come to Thanksgiving dinner. Because, you know, no one in Connecticut gets divorced, and all the little kids in Lauren's class are teasing her for coming from a broken home, and for having a mother who has the audacity to go to work, instead of staying home to do housework in a ruffled tulle apron and high heels. Yeah, I'm so sure. Amy looks pained. She explains that just because things are different, that doesn't necessarily mean they won't have a nice holiday. Lauren just gives her a mopey, puppy dog look, and shuffles all forlornly into school.
Over in Amy's courtroom, she's processing a legal change of name for a guy in a Star Trek costume. Surprise, he wants to change his name to "James T. Kirk." While Trekkie jokes are always both refreshingly original and super timely (except for the part where they totally are not), I'm a bit confused as to why a family court judge would have anything to do with the name change of an adult. Without kids. Or a family. Amy signs off on Mr. Kirk's name change, and tells him to "live long and prosper." He echoes the sentiment and flashes her the Spock hand signal thingie, which she returns in kind. Oh, God, this is going to be a very long hour, isn't it?
Credits. I rush to the kitchen to grab a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a lime.
Amy and Bruce parade through the Halls of Justice, discussing the docket for that afternoon, and how very depressing it is to have to preside over incest cases and child abuse cases and custody cases during the holiday season. Yes, why don't people just curtail the pain and agony of their lives so that civil servants can have a nice Thanksgiving? The oppressed and abused can be so inconsiderate!
In the courtroom, Amy presides over a case in which two fratty guys have admitted to beating their neighbor's cat with baseball bats and then setting them on fire. You know, this show has been accused of being too hard on gun owners, but frat boys get no mercy from the Judging Amy writers, either. They're raping girls, and ritualistically killing animals, and looking smug and unapologetic all the time. I think this is because the show's writers are contractually obligated to fully explore each and every stereotype in The Writer's Big Book of Stereotypes: Common Preconceptions to Learn and Know before the end of the season. I can't wait to see the episode with the sassy African-American grandma! Or the tight ass working mother with no regard for her children because she's so busy climbing the corporate ladder! Or feisty Hispanic chick with a smart mouth! Oh, wait, we're already seen all of those. In less than a year. Anyway, Fratty and Frattier were angry because the neighbors broke up one of their keggers. But they're sorry now! Sometimes, cats just get set on fire, you know, man? Want some Keystone? Fratty compares the Cat Incident to "road rage," as Frattier jumps in and says that "it's not like it was appropriate, but [they] were pissed!" Dude! DCF's counsel smirks at her second chair, since Frattier just wrapped up the case for her as neatly as if he'd packaged it in an Abercrombie and Fitch bag with a big red bow. Amy asks Fratty and Frattier if they've ever seen a professional, to deal with their "anger issues." The boys just kind of stare at her. I expect them to explain that seeing a psychologist would interfere with their intramural rugby practice, but they save their breath. Amy asks how torturing the cats made them feel. Frattier waggles his noggin and kind of grins and says "it's not like it was it any fun," and Fratty gives him a total "shut up!" look and tries to undo the damage by telling Amy again that what they did was stupid, and they know it was stupid, and they're stupid and please, don't send them to jail. Amy asks for more time to think about the case.
In chambers, Bruce informs Amy that she's the on-call judge for the Thanksgiving weekend. She extrapolates that it's because she's a woman. Bruce tells her that it's because she's new. Amy whines some more, and then gets mad at Bruce for not being more sympathetic to her plight. Bruce just grins and tells her that he doesn't "do sympathetic." Bruce is the only reason, thus far, that I have not polished off this entire bottle of Cuervo in a desperate attempt to render myself unconscious. After watching Survivor the other night, I decided that I would like to be stranded on a deserted island with him, and Vincent, and make them perform feats of strength as they battle for my affections. That would be an interesting show. Which is the opposite of what this is. Amy checks out Bruce's ass as he walks out of the room, and then, after much sighing and self-pity, sits at her desk and calls her soon to be ex-husband, Michael, inviting him to have Thanksgiving at the Ranch.
At the Ranch, Maxine feeds Socrates, the dog, a Swiss cheese omelet with proscuitto, mushrooms and tomatoes. She explains to Amy that the dog eats as well as he does because "he earns his keep." This episode taking place prior to the "Amy finally pays Maxine rent" episode and all, I can only assume that this is a hint to Her Honor, the Cheapskate, to kick in some cash for her keep. Amy, the blockhead, doesn't get it, and starts whining, again, about the dry toast she has to eat for breakfast. Instead of asking Amy if her arms are broken, and, if not, why she can't make her own damn omelets, Maxine just smiles. Enter Vincent, who announces that he will be attending "a thing" at his agent's house, instead of the family Thanksgiving. Maxine doesn't care, because she's going to The Dinner Bell for the meal. She's sick of having to do all the work at Thanksgiving, without any help or appreciation. I can say this speech word for word along with Maxine because my mother has been making it for fifteen years. While I understand Maxine's point of view, doncha think she would have announced this more than two days before Thanksgiving? Just wondering. Insert more crying and moaning and self-pity from Amy at this point, and more shots of tequila and lime chasers from me. Maxine says she's going to "reclaim the night." Vincent and Amy exchange bemused glances. Well, Vincent's is bemused. Amy's is a mixture of murderous rage and incredulity. Amy then starts in about how Lauren needs stability, blah, blah, blah guiltcakes, like, Amy, newsflash: You Are Her Mother. You're the one responsible for Lauren, not Maxine. God! Maxine calmly suggests that Lauren accompany her to the Dinner Bell. Then Amy gets all wiggy, and blurts out that the real reason she needs them to have Thanksgiving at home is because she invited Michael. Because, she explains, Lauren misses her Dad. Vincent rolls his eyes at his coffee cup, and comments that he's sorry he's going to have to miss the meal. Amy brats that she'll cook the dinner herself. Maxine and Vincent burst into laughter, as Amy shifts the Brat into overdrive, swearing that she can totally do it herself, and gets her panties in a knot, because Maxine isn't "supporting" her in the endeavor. Maxine retorts that she "didn't support Mondale either," because she knows a disaster when she sees one. Oh, burn. Lauren runs in and shows the family the place cards she's made for Thanksgiving dinner, announcing that she plans to sit between Mommy and Daddy, a place Vincent dubs "ringside seats." Amy tosses a bitchy look at him, and hustles Lauren out the door for school. Vincent and Maxine just smile at each other. I think, secretly, they hate her as much as I do.
And Kobe passes to Shaq for the alley-op -- sorry. I switched over to something else for a sec. My bad. Carry on.
Amy drives Lauren to school. She's prattling about having her Daddy at Thanksgiving, and wonders if Michael and Amy are getting back together. They have the "If Mommy And Daddy Love Each Other, Why Don't They Live Together?" conversation for about two seconds, before Amy gets tired of her daughter having emotions and questions and suggests they play a game. It turns out to be a stupid game in which Amy asks Lauren all kinds of questions about what she would do should she find herself in a threatening situation. I guess Amy has never heard of "I Spy."
In the courtroom, the Frat's counsel is giving his summation; he talks for a long time, but what he basically says is that these boys are set to head off to college soon enough, and it would be shortsighted of Amy to deprive them of the four years of watered-down beer, roofies cocktails and Cliffs Notes which await them, simply because they happened to set a kitty cat aflame. Dude! Amy, probably thinking of the scores of freshman girls who are destined to convince themselves that they are in love with Fratty or Frattier, only to one day find themselves writing Fratty's papers for him, or making excuses for Frattier's romantic indiscretions (not that, you know, I know whereof I speak or anything), doesn't take the bait. She calls the boys "vicious butchers" and wonders if they're perhaps "two budding Jeffrey Dahmers." She sentences them to three weeks of psychological testing, before she feels ready to counsel them. She reminds the assembled masses that "two cats are not 'nothing.'" Well, it feels wrong to type this, but: Go, Amy!
At the Ranch, Gillian follows Maxine into the kitchen. She looks all weepy and depressed -- Gillian, I mean. Maxine looks like she wants Gillian to skedaddle so that she can break into the liquor cabinet for her afternoon picker-upper. Gillian makes small talk, as Maxine builds a fire, but finally comes around to the point of her visit: she and Peter have given up on in vitro fertilization, and want to talk to Maxine about adoption. Gillian tries to put a brave face on it, but you can tell she still really has her heart set on a baby born of her own body. She cries, and explains that Peter doesn't understand that she "can't let go of her baby." Yes, Gillian, that is because Peter is an idiot, and understands nothing. Maxine asks how much another round of in vitro would set them back. Gillian explains that she doesn't want Maxine to pay for it, she just wanted to talk to someone about it. Maxine wonders if Peter would even go along with another round of in vitro, and tells Gillian that she'll think about loaning them the cash. Although that's not what Gillian came to ask her. See, Maxine knows what people want before they even want it.
In the HOJ (Halls of Justice: my fingers are tired of typing, people, you're going to have to deal), Amy gives her stamp of a approval to a couple who is attempting to adopt their foster child. The baby's mother has relinquished her rights, the father is unknown. Geezum, I wonder if we're going to have to revisit this case again this evening? Oh, how I wish I had some way of knowing!
At the Ranch, Amy is going through her cooking schedule for Thanksgiving Dinner, when to pop the string beans in the oven, when to truss the bird, yadda. Wacky hi-jinks ensue when she realizes she's forgotten the yams, and it just ain't Thanksgiving without yams covered in tiny burnt marshmallows, congealing at the end of the table, because no one can have more than a tablespoon without going into insulin shock. She's running out to pick up the tubers, when who appears on her front porch but Michael! Who'd a thunk it? Maxine clearly wishes she could stay and eavesdrop on her daughter and former son-in-law's confab, but out of respect for their privacy, excuses herself. To the basement. Where she claims to be hooking a rug.
Michael tells Amy that they "need to talk," so they retire to the porch -- yes, in November. In Connecticut. Without hats. The pair awkwardly converses. I'd tell you what they said, but Amy's hair is really poufy and distracting. It was something about making the divorce final. God, it took these two all freaking year to get divorced. I mean, I know it's a lengthy legal procedure, but come on! It's TV time; this shouldn't have taken more than a couple of episodes. Mixed Signals Michael concludes their little chat by drooling that Amy "looks great," and then says that he'll "find [his] way out." Yeah, that must hard when you're already outside, genius. Amy Brenneman tries to look like she's holding back tears, but it just looks like she's working on a really hard long division problem in her head.
Vincent has taken on a new job to help him make ends meet; he's modeling nude for a local community college art class every Tuesday. Posing on a small pedestal, and holding a large margarita in each hand, he turns into the light and -- sorry, I must have drifted off there. Ahem. Anyway, Thanksgiving morning, the entire clan, sans Vincent, loiters about the kitchen. Amy runs around, yammering about oven temperature, and giblets, as Gillian chops something and Peter yells at the football game on TV. Amy then proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is, in fact, the Devil Incarnate, by switching off the game. She tells Peter that they are not allowed to watch football, not in her "Thanksgiving Fantasy." "Fantasy is the operative word," Maxine sniffs. Amy snaps at Peter to open a bottle of wine. He rolls his eyes. I ask you, who the hell does Amy think she is, demanding that her family members conform to some fantastical idea she has of what the day will be like? As much as I hate Peter, why can't he watch football all the damn day long? Maybe that's his Thanksgiving Fantasy. Why does Amy's fantasy have to be everyone else's fantasy? God! I'm sorry, I know, that was vicious, but football is very important to me. I will defend anyone's right to watch football on Thanksgiving, to the death! At any rate, Peter stomps off, probably to turn the game on down in the basement, as Maxine tells Gillian that she's got some money they can borrow to fund their round of in vitro. Of course, in the time-honored way of television drama everywhere, Peter stomps back in with the booze, just in time to hear the tail end of the conversation. Peter gets all snippy in Gillian's face, and they argue about the efficacy of the procedure. Amy butts in, again, to tell Gillian that she "has plenty to be thankful for." First, Amy, as a Harvard grad, you ought to know better than to end a sentence with a preposition that way. Second, how very much is Gillian's thankfulness none of your business? Gillian tells Amy that "that's easy to say when you have a child," and scurries off to cry over her barren womb. Amy looks a teensy bit sorry, as Peter excuses Gillian's behavior as "hormones." Maxine, who I hate to admit, I love more and more as I get weaker and weaker and this God damn show wears me down into submission to the Maxine Gray Way (more powerful than Scientology, I kid you not), snaps that it isn't hormones: Gillian is unhappy. She tells Peter to take his blanks-shooting, insensitive self over to check on his wife.
Michael arrives. Lauren squeals. He calls her "pilgrim." There's awkwardness between Michael and Amy. Michael gives Amy some wine. Lauren takes her father upstairs to see her room. I don't care. I don't care. Hey, did I tell you? I totally do not care.
Vincent's schmoozing his way through a swanky party at his agent's house. His agent points out the people whose asses he ought to kiss, and tells Vincent that, due to the copious amounts of singletons at the par-tay, he might just score! Vincent chuckles, and says he thinks he'll stick to business. That's right, agent guy! Because he's saving himself for me! Boy, this Cuervo is smooooooth. Anyhoo, also in attendance at this shindig is the trampy Evil Agent who stole Vincent's work back in college, and over whom he leapt, to secure himself representation with the big wig at the literary agency. Remember all that? Hillary is her name. BigWig Agent is dying to know why Vincent refuses to work with Hillary, but gentleman that he is, Vincent refuses to talk about it, excusing himself, because he is a Gray, to get a drink.
Lauren shows her father the house. Blah blah blah, we're still a familycakes. I hope they send her to military school year. Amy acts passive-aggressive about Michael springing all the divorce talk on her during the holiday. He tells her that "the best thing about not being married is that [he] doesn't have to listen to [her] endless character analysis." Actually, I think he could have left the "endless character analysis" part off of that statement and still been correct.
At the Agency Party, Hillary introduces Vincent to another author, Justin. Vincent and Justin hit it off, bonding over the fact that the party is what neither of them expected.
Back at the Ranch, Amy's crabby. She tells Maxine that she's upset because Michael wants a divorce. Maxine joins the rest of North America by totally not being surprised that the man Amy left, from whom Amy has been separated for a year, and from whom Amy ASKED to be divorced, is going along with the plan. Amy brats that she didn't want to reconcile, but that Michael is manipulating her. Maxine tells Amy that it was a bad idea to invite Michael for the meal, and finally just informs her daughter that she can't expect to feel okay about the end of her marriage overnight. She spouts some metaphor about how plate tectonics are ever so slowly moving the mountains closer together, and that, basically, change takes time. She tells Amy to stop stamping her foot and acting like such a brat, because she's a grown adult who ought to know better than to behave like a child. Well, more or less. She did say the foot-stamping part.
Bruce arrives at the front door. Amy's been called to some crazy judicial emergency. It's the adoption case; the father's made an entrance and wants to take his baby home. Today. They jump into the Bat-Mobile!
I enjoy this commercial for Sex and the City more than this entire episode of Judging Amy.
Batman and Robin -- I mean, Bruce and Amy show up at the Adoption Family's house. Stuff happens, but no one cares, because these legal storylines are really old by this point. We know, she's a judge, we get it. If I wanted to see legal wrangling, I'd watch Law and Order. I'm looking for some hot judicial love from her Honor and Bruce, that' s what I'm tuning in for, not this boring case du jour crap. Anyway, Amy basically says that they have to consider the father's rights, and the adoption is going to have to be put on hold while they try and get it all straightened out. There is a lot of "she's our baby," and "don't take my baby," and "I want my baby" and "don't let him take our child" going on here.
Agency party. Vincent and Justin are really getting along. Justin tells Vincent that Hillary has "fixed [them] up." Of course, Vincent grimaces, and breaks the news of his non-gayness to Justin. Justin asks if he might be in denial. Vincent says he isn't in denial. Justin, who, by the way, rocks the house, calls that an "insurmountable problem." It's true.
On the way back to the Ranch, Amy wonders if Bruce would like to go somewhere and get drunk and screw. She leaves the "and screw" part unspoken, though. He demurs, saying that he would start to wonder why he's all alone on Thanksgiving, if he were to get drunk. Amy asks why, in fact, he is all alone on Thanksgiving. Apparently, Mia gets their daughter on Turkey Day, and he gets her Christmas. Amy slumps in her bucket seat and mopes. Bruce tells her to "hold onto the happy moments," because otherwise she'll lose it. I don't even know why he says that, but I think that's because I'm almost to the worm at the bottle of this bottom. I mean, the bottom of this bottle. Whatever. Amy laughs and tells Bruce how very, very much she's screwed up this year's Thanksgiving. Well, they say that knowing is half the battle. She invites Bruce over to witness the carnage at the Ranch.
Vincent storms out of the Agency Party, much to Hillary's dismay. He asks rhetorically if, just because he doesn't want to sleep with her, that makes him gay? As if! Vincent informs her that in her quest to get back at him, she humiliated a nice, innocent, person: Justin. His own agent comes over, and advises him gently to accept his homosexuality. Vincent rolls his eyes, and tells BigWig Agent that Hillary is "a bankrupt person," who will do anything to get what she wants.
He runs into Justin in the coatroom, and apologizes for stupid Hillary and her stupid pranks. They bitch to one another about the fact that the turkey was served with its head still attached. Vincent thinks they ought to have at least had the decency to put a hat on the bird. The boys laugh at the spectre of their shared, disastrous holiday, and Vincent invites Justin to come back to the Ranch with him for pie, and laundry.
Amy and Bruce arrive home just in time to see the hilarity ensue; everyone is wasted, Gillian has her feet on the table as she tells some gory, yet amusing, feet-in-the-stirrups in vitro story, and Vincent, Justin, Maxine and Michael all burst into hysterical laughter. Amy introduces Bruce to the crowd, generally, and they settle in for some booze and pie. Maxine introduces Bruce to everyone specifically, drunkenly, unnecessarily explaining to Amy that they've "been drinking." Bruce looks pleased, yet scared, to be there. The episode ends with much laughter and love from the Gray family, all interspersed with stupid black and white stills of the entire debacle. Note to the powers that be over at CBS: just because it's black and white, doesn't make it "arty," mmmkay?