This recap is brought to you by Hooper's Hooch™ -- a sparkling malt beverage with lemon and other natural flavors. God bless it.
No preamble -- we're right smack dab in the middle of the Halls of Justice. A young couple divorced five months ago, in the midst of the wife's pregnancy, is already arguing about their five-day-old son. Why, you ask? Could it be custody-related? In the shock of the century, it's not. But it is about the favorite subject of another writer of jurisprudence-related dramas, David E. Kelley: Penises. Yup, CBS sure is pushing the envelope with all the penises and beer they've managed to squeeze into Judging Amy recently. It's like I'm watching FOX! Anyhoo, Mr. Vocci wants to circumcise his son. Mrs. Vocci doesn't. He says it's a matter of religion; she says he's "not Jewish" and calls circumsision "mutilation." Bruce is already rolling his eyes. Word, Bruce. Want some Hooch? It helps. Amy tells them to go home and work it out. Mrs. Vocci says the word "foreskin." Bruce and Amy both try not to laugh. If they can't behave, I'm going to have to separate them.
Vincent strides purposefully out of the grocery store, bags in hand. He notices a creepy guy harassing a young woman a few cars down (okay, kids, pay attention here; this episode is a rerun. The girl being harassed is the same girl Vincent was pawing in last week's episode. This is the episode where they Meet Violent. For purposes of continuity, and because the Hooch is hitting me, I'm going to continue to call her The (Future) Girlfriend. Okay?). Vincent gives the Creep the stink-eye, as The (Future) Girlfriend tries to extricate herself from his creepy clutches. Vincent tells the Creep to get "[his] hands off her!" and the Creep whips out a gun and opens fire. He's holding the gun sideways, like he's in Reservoir Dogs or something. Damn trendy purse-snatchers. Vincent throws his arms up and hits the ground in slo-mo, as the Creep grabs The (Future) Girlfriend's purse and scrams in what looks like a 1982 Wagoneer. Slick wheels, dude. Vincent, who appears basically unhurt, plucks himself off the ground and goes to check on The (Future) Girlfriend. She's crying, but generally okay. Vincent picks her up and dusts her off and dries her sweet little tears and tells her that she's bleeding. "I am?" The (Future) Girlfriend says. "No," she continues, "it's you!" Vincent opens his jacket to reveal a big bloody splotch. He starts to breathe harder and we are revisited by the Slo-Mo cam. "Oh my God," Vincent gasps, "I think he shot me." Ya think?
I wonder if the photographs they use in the credits really are of a young Amy Brenneman. Time for more Hooch.
Maxine comes barreling through the hospital doors with her usual consummate grace. She bullies the nurse at the desk into telling her where Vincent is, and, blatantly disregarding the nurse's request that she wait in chairs, tromps, pell-mell, into Vincent's examining room. It's obnoxious, but her child was shot. I have to cut Maxine some slack, considering the circumstances.
Vincent is being bandaged up. His chest muscles are quite lovely, but he's hairier than I imagined. Not horribly hairy, just hairier. The doctor explains that He's Very Lucky, Because An Inch To The Right, and He'd Be Dead, in a speech lifted from every medical drama ever penned to paper. Maxine bursts in to the examination room and asks Vincent if he's all right. She then cross-examines the doctor about Vincent's condition and, not even taking a breath nor allowing anyone to get a word in edgewise, asks Vincent how this happened. Vincent outlines his heroism, which prompts a hysterical diatribe from Maxine on Crime in Today's Society. Vincent and the doctor roll their eyes in unison. Maxine takes out a cigarette and Vincent asks the doctor for a tranquilizer. For Maxine. Vincent: Semi-naked and slightly smarmy. I like this episode. Time for more Hooch. Did you know it also comes in Orange Flavor? I drank all those.
Vincent is curled up on a bed in his mother's house, covered in an afghan, asleep. The door opens to reveal The (Future) Girlfriend. She says she came to thank him for saving her life. Vincent asks if she's okay, and she says she's fine, except for one thing...and she opens her jacket to reveal a completely blood-soaked shirt. "I can't get it to stop," she says. We get the Heavy Breathing Slo-Mo effect again (which always reminds me of that seminal Beverly Hills, episode in which David's friend Scott shoots himself in the stomach at his birthday party), which is interrupted when Amy wakes Vincent up. See? It was just a dream. Vincent takes the tea Amy's brought him and sips it as they discuss how wigged-out Maxine is. Amy then reads Vincent the riot act for interfering at the grocery store, and gets all choked up, thinking about Vincent Buying The Farm. Vincent tells her that he isn't going to die because he "can't get out of finishing [his] book that easy." Amy kind of laughs, as Peter and Gillian burst in. Peter barely lets Vincent tell them that he's fine, before he launches into a speech about how if Vincent "had a gun" this never would have happened. Amy and Vincent (and Jessica) roll their eyes and Amy gives the requisite "Violence is Not The Answer" point of view. Gillian frets because she shops at the market where Vincent was shot all the time. Because, you know, it's all about her. Maxine joins the party and tries to get Vincent to tell her which officer he spoke to regarding the incident. Because she has connections. She can make things happen. She can exact justice from the system. She's Maxine Gray, and she has brass balls. Vincent asks her not to get involved, but we all know that's not going to happen. Maxine shoos Peter and Gillian out of the room, so, ostensibly, Vincent can rest. Peter asks Vincent to "think about that gun." Vincent rolls his eyes even harder. He and Amy do the Gray Family Rueful Chuckle, as Vincent comments that "getting shot was the easy part." And you weren't even there when Peter "sang" "Jumpin' Jack Flash" last week. Man alive.
At the Halls of Justice, Bruce solicitously asks after Vincent's health and tells Amy that they've got the "sentencing hearing in the Robert Chetwind case" on the docket. She seems a bit wary of taking that particular case on in light of Vincent's recent injuries, but doesn't want to reschedule. Think the Robert Chetwind case has anything to do with someone getting shot? I wonder. Bruce has more lines in that one scene than he did in the last episode as a whole.
At DCF, Maxine is told by this Episode's requisite Sassy Black Woman -- a fellow employee that we've never seen and, knowing the way this show deals with Sassy Black Women, we will probably like very much and never see again -- that Susie Nixon is out (this is prior to Susie's arrest at Maxine's hands, remember? Because this is a rerun). Maxine's case of the day involves a child whose grandmother claims is being emotionally abused. She makes some snide anti-mother-in-law commentary and finally gets around to telling SBW that her son was shot yesterday. SBW makes the appropriate sympathetic noises and asks Maxine if she wants to go home. Maxine doesn't, because, she says, if she does, she'll "start to think terrible things, like how hard is it to hire a hit man, and do they take credit cards?" Hee hee. I've never thought that. Nope, not even when a personage who shall remain nameless, but who works in my office, decided I was his secretary, even though I don't even work in the same department as he does and, in fact, have an entirely different set of responsibilities which are utterly unsecretary in nature. No, not even then. Maxine explains that she thinks Vincent is taking the whole getting shot thing the best among everyone in the family. "Why does God allow children to be smarter than their parents?" she asks. I don't know, Maxine, but I've wondered that numerous times, myself, generally after conversations with my own mother. (Mom, if you're reading, I'm totally kidding. Can I have a hundred bucks? Thanks. And this Hooch I keep mentioning? Not alcoholic at all. In fact, I'm drinking milk).
Halls of Justice. Chetwind case. A quick rundown: Robert Chetwind, juvenile, was found guilty of manslaughter in the death of one Jennifer Marquadt, the victim of a gang-related drive-by shooting. The prosecutor wants Chetwind sentenced to ten years in state prison; the defense wants him committed to DCF for four years. Okay, I really don't get this family court thing. Is it both civil and criminal? It must be. Why is Amy in charge of sentencing if she didn't preside over the trial? Is that normal? As Chetwind is brought into the courtroom, the parents of the murdered girl start screaming that he's a murderer, and that he killed their baby, and whatnot. Amy looks thoughtful. I wonder if she's thinking about Vincent, and her own family member's brush with Cruel, Cruel Death.
I hate this Dove Nutrium commercial where the girl tells us so earnestly that she won't put in anything bad in her body...or on it. Whatever. Pass the nachos.
Back at The Ranch, Vincent is helping Lauren mash potatoes, with his one good arm. He tells Lauren that it didn't hurt that much to get shot, a statement with which Maxine takes great umbrage. She breathlessly informs Lauren that it actually does hurt very much to get shot. Let's see: Between you and Vincent, Maxine, who actually was shot? And yet, you still know better. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Vincent mildly tells his mother that she's scaring Lauren. Maxine tells Vincent that he's not scared enough. Vincent kind of grits his teeth and smiles painfully. The man has the patience of a saint. Amy bursts in the door, pats Lauren on the head and then goes straight to the fridge and cracks open a huge can of beer. She takes a giant swig as Maxine tells Vincent that she knows the detective who has been assigned to his case, but that he needs to make sure that the police department doesn't let it slide. Vincent tries to politely tell her to butt out, but, quelle surprise, she will have none of that. Vincent sarcastically tells Maxine that he doesn't actually plan to let it slide, but that after dinner he's going to "slip into a telephone booth and turn into a superhero. Then [he's] going to go about restoring justice to the Northeastern United States." Lauren giggles. Amy raises her beer can in a pseudo-drunken salute. "And parts of Canada," she reminds him. Vincent smiles. "No," he says, "I don't do Canada. Not enough crime." All the Canadians in the audience cheer! ["Yeah!" -- Wing Chun] Amy gazes at her brother in an Angelina Jolie-esque fit of adoration.
In the dining room, Maxine berates Amy for letting Vincent joke about his Brush With Death. Amy points out that if Vincent wants to joke, she's going to joke. Maxine hisses that Vincent is in denial. Amy tells her, more or less, to butt out. Maxine gets all emotional and says, "Honest to God, there are times when I feel I just don't know you." Amy goes stony-faced. "You're just figuring that out?" she snaps. Meee-ow.
Maxine is at the home of the Alleged Emotional Abusers. I swear, I know that actress playing the mother from somewhere...she's been in about a jillion things, from ER to The X-Files. I'm not very good at Hey! It's That Guy! when I've a couple of bottles of Hooch, sad to say. ["She was Marion the Librarian in that episode of Seinfeld in which Philip Baker Hall also appeared." -- Wing Chun] Mom nicely explains that her Mother-in-Law doesn't approve of the way she's raising her son -- Montessori School, vegetarianism, as a Fourth-Dimensionalist who is not restricted to the same rules of the space/time continuum as the rest of us mortals. You know. Maxine nicely manages not to spit out her tea as Mom talks about the Positive and Negative strains of aliens and the way she is completely unstuck in time. All righty, then.
Halls of Justice; Chetwind case. Lots of yammering gives way to the main point of the scene: The Chetwind kid's lawyer is doing a rotten job, and the Chetwind kid has had a crummy life, in and out of foster homes. DCF gives him a chance, jail will make him a "hardened criminal." Amy is mad at Chetwind's lawyer for doing such a poor job of defending his client. She tells him to get his act together.
At Vincent's apartment, the Bandaged One (and hey, isn't it time to change those dressings, and get nekkid again?), is in front of his computer screen, seemingly blocked. He looks pensively around the room, and we are treated to a black and white flashback of the shooting, screams and sideways gun and all. When the color comes back, Vincent looks down to see his shirt stained with blood. He opens it (whoo hoo!) to reveal a bloodless, nicely cut stomach. Vincent looks sort of sick, probably because of the hallucinations and the whole almost dying thing. Maybe you'd feel better if you just kept your shirt off, Vince.
Halls of Justice: Jennifer's mother is on the stand, testifying about Jennifer's love of music, her potential as a smart, talented person, what a wonderful child she was, asking why, WHY she let her go outside and play on that fateful day. She starts to cry. I feel a little weepy. Amy looks down at her desk.
I find it amazing that cyclist Lance Armstrong's cancer had spread into his brain, and he not only beat the disease, but went on to win the bloody Tour de France. Hearing about that makes me much weepier than the tearjerker plot on tonight's Judging Amy. Maybe because it actually happened. Anyway, go Lance.
Sorry about that moment of sincerity. Back to Snarkiness Ground Zero: Amy's Courtroom and the Penis Case. The Voccis have not been able to agree on the circumcision issue. Amy tells them that it's too personal an issue for a judge to decide, and that they really ought to be able to make this call themselves. But, since the terms of their agreement indicate that they are to raise their children Jewish, she's going to find in favor of making the cut. Mrs. Vocci stands up and starts screeching about the barbarism and brutality of circumcision. Amy says she understands it's a fairly routine procedure, and basically tells her that in comparison to the people she sees on a daily basis, whose children have been shot and killed, a little snip snip is no big deal. She tells Mrs. Vocci to put the whole thing into perspective and sends the chastised parents home.
Vincent is in his apartment, staring balefully out the window, and then mournfully at the ground. It's called Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, sweetie, and some Xanax might help. It would certainly help me, right now. He limps to answer the door -- it's a detective, who needs Vincent to come down to the police station to view a line-up. Vincent demurs slightly, but agrees.
Maxine outlines the details of the Fourth-Dimensional Family to SBW. They both cackle about the crazy Roswellian theories of the family in question. SBW tells Maxine that the police called to speak to Susie about the fact that Maxine has been using her connections to speed Vincent's case along. They're not pleased. SBW tells Maxine that she is darn lucky Susie wasn't around to take the call. SBW then kindly tells Maxine she probably ought to watch her back when it comes to Susie, and then informs Maxine that she isn't doing this for Vincent at all, that's she doing to all to make herself feel better. See, I told you we'd like her! Telling Maxine off, of course, licks the postage stamp on her one way ticket to Tertiary-Character Siberia. She wisely advises Maxine to let herself have a breakdown over the entire situation.
In the Chetwind case, Jennifer's younger brother makes a three-hanky statement about missing his big sister. I don't know where they find the child actors for this show, but they're generally so cute, it's painful. I get weepy when the boy says that he misses his sister, and so does Amy. Cutting a little too close to home, methinks.
Amy, in chambers, rails to Bruce about how sick she is of hearing the same excuses -- no family, no structure, no role models. Bruce wonders if she's like to recuse herself. "No," saith Amy, "just because I'm in there, wanting to rip that guy's head off, doesn't mean I can't be impartial." Amy explains that if she recuses herself, she'll look too soft in the eyes of her colleagues. Bruce makes the excellent point that having a family member recently on the receiving end of a bullet is not a "soft" excuse. Amy gets weepy and defensive, but asserts that she can handle it. Bruce suggests that maybe she'll feel better after they hear from the defense. Amy starts to cry. Bruce looks very sympathetic and calls a twenty-minute recess. Damn, I love me some Bruce Van Exel. He's so strong, yet silent. Manly, yet secretly sensitive. Mysterious, yet straightforward.
Vincent runs into The (Future) Girlfriend on his way into see the line-up. They fully check each other out, and stare, longingly, at one another as they're each led in opposite directions.
In the Halls of Justice, Chetwind's lawyer has yet again dropped the ball. He's having problems finding anyone to testify on his client's behalf. Amy tells him to start defending his client...or else.
Vincent's facing the line-up, and, squinty-eyed, surveys the various Creeps lined up for his perusal. He's not sure. The detectives on the case get annoyed with him for not being able to make the identification. Vincent explains that he was looking more at the Creep's gun than his face. The detective backs off and tells him to take his time. Vincent has another nifty black and white flashback, this one complete with The (Future) Girlfriend's anguished squealing in the background, and a conveniently clear glimpse of the Creep's face. Vincent picks number three out of the line-up. The cops give him a cookie. Well, not really.
Back in the Halls of Justice, Bruce is running down Amy's schedule for our harried and emotionally distraught judge. He tells her that Robert Chetwind is testifying on his own behalf...and that he's the only one who is testifying on his behalf. She, yet again, is disgusted by the way Chetwind's lawyer has dropped the ball.
Bruce and Amy enter the courtroom, to see the Voccis, again. "Ever have one of those dreams that wouldn't end?" Bruce quips. "I think I'm having it now," Amy replies under her breath. Yeah, me too. Now the Quarrelling Voccis are arguing because Mrs. Vocci has stopped breastfeeding. Amy looks distinctly annoyed. She tells the Voccis that she's "spent more than enough time dealing with this penis -- er, petition." Amy stifles a laugh at her own malapropism. Bruce guffaws to his tiny little desk. Mama Vocci looks appalled. Amy excuses herself from the courtroom and goes out into the hallway, where she bursts into laughter.
Why are they advertising "All-New Episodes" of Falcone? It's never been on before. Of course it's "all new!" Duh.
At the Ranch, Lauren tells her mother that she dreamed her teacher tried to shoot her. Amy reassures her that no one is going to shoot her, especially not her teacher. As Lauren runs off to school, Maxine tries to pull the old I Told You So out of her bag of maternal tricks, but Amy cuts her off and asks her to "stop telling everybody what they need to do." Word. At this rebellious moment, Vincent, tricked out in a old baseball caps and his grubbies, comes trotting into the kitchen. He tells the Ladies Gray that they caught the guy who shot him. Maxine and Amy are pleased, but Vincent is acting weird about the whole thing.
In the courtroom, Chetwind testifies about his cruddy childhood, his past of physical and sexual abuse, and his lack of a father figure. It comes out that Chetwind didn't actually shoot Jennifer Marquadt, but that he was just in the car with the shooters. He says he's sorry about what happened, and he reads a statement he's prepared, which basically says he's bummed about the whole thing and he didn't know anyone was going to get shot and he feels bad. Everyone in the courtroom looks pensive.
Vincent is doing his laundry in Maxine's basement. They banter about updating her appliances, and Vincent brats passive-aggressively that he wishes everyone would let the whole "getting shot" thing drop. He starts to have a miniature breakdown as he explains that he can't sleep, or write, or go back to the grocery store, and he just wants his life to go back to normal. He proceeds to kick the hell out of the washer. He tells Maxine that he had a moment at the police station when he wanted to let the shooter go, so that it would be as if the entire thing had never happened, that he doesn't even know if he did the right thing, because he doesn't know what "the right thing" is anymore. Maxine reminds him of a time he almost died at the beach, when a sand tunnel collapsed on him and the lifeguards had to drag him out, and muses that, at that moment, she felt like she didn't know "a damn thing about life." She tells him that maybe they're not supposed to make sense of what happens in life, but instead just appreciate what they have. She starts to do Vincent's laundry, which snaps him out of his pensive gazing into space. He tells her that he's "twenty-eight years old" (A-HA! Now we know!) and can do his own laundry. Maxine gets snappish and tells Vincent that she "almost lost [him] and [she'd] like to do [his] laundry!" He gives her the detergent and a kiss on the check and goes upstairs. Maxine cries into one of his plaid flannel shirts. Good acting in this scene, by both Tyne Daly and my man Dan Futterman.
In the Halls of Justice, Amy sends Chetwind to DCF. She's sickened by the fact that people are getting killed in her hometown, and she's disappointed by the defense in this case. She explains that Chetwind's testimony was that of a person who is still a child, despite his age. She says that nothing she can do can bring Jennifer Marquadt back, but that she has to punish the criminal while maintaining some hope for rehabilitation -- something that won't happen in jail. The Marquadts cry and rend their hair and get right in Amy's face. Bruce tries to head them off at the pass, but Mrs. Marquadt demands that Amy look her in the eye. Amy does. Bruce looks pensive. Mrs. Marquadt weeps. Amy leaves. I pound the remainder of the Hooch.
Judging Amy is being pre-empted for the two weeks because CBS thinks no one will notice that Falcone is just a poor man's substitute for The Sopranos. ["It's more of a poor man's substitute for Donnie Brasco, if you ask me; it's based on the life of a real guy, Joe Pistone, who was probably a lot happier when Johnny Depp was playing him than he was to learn that Jason Gedrick would." -- Wing Chun] Whatever, Jason Gedrick. I don't care what you do, people are still going to confuse you with Jason Patric.