By Kim
Previously on Joe Millionaire: David took the women to a ranch, but some of the women didn't want to shovel horseshit, leading to Olinda's classic line, "This was supposed to be dream date, not shit date!" The women vied for David's attention, and David was interested in more than one of them. Olinda groped David in the pool, and accused the others of being jealous. David sent home three women, one of whom (Linda) asked if she could leave. Linda interviews that she regrets making such a fast decision. What? We never saw that before. I hate when they introduce new information in the "previously" segment. I think that, like introducing new evidence in the closing arguments of a trial, new footage in the "previously" segment should be illegal. I object!
Paul welcomes us back and explains that David was disappointed in the women's reactions to the ranch. Tonight, they will be taking a trip to Florence and David will have individual dates with the women. Paul asks, "Is it the money or [David's] charm that fuels the competition?" Well, we know it's not his charm. So it could be the money, or it could be the chance to be on television.
At the Grand Hotel Croce di Malta, David gets dressed while he voice-overs that he was disappointed that Linda wanted to leave, but that he's looking forward to going on dates with six beautiful women. Did some of the contestants we've seen so far get replaced? Because I don't know that I would classify all six of them as beautiful.
At the villa, Petra says she wants to take David on a fun date, to cheer him up. Olinda agrees. Petra interviews that it's difficult to get to know someone in a group, so she's excited about the date. I hope they don't go anywhere fancy, because Petra is wearing a camouflage tank top and low-rider jeans. Petra's car arrives, and she asks if she can sit in front. See, she's not fancy! Or she gets carsick in the back seat. Petra asks how long it will take to get to Florence, and the driver doesn't answer. Maybe she's being kidnapped.
In Florence, Petra meets up with David, and they exchange cheek kisses. David interviews that Petra looked great, and that they had fun. Petra tells David that he deserves a fun, relaxing date because of the tough elimination ceremony the night. David interviews that he and Petra went to the Ponte Vecchio bridge, which I think is like saying the "Old Bridge Bridge." Apparently, at this bridge, you write a wish on a lock and then stick your lock onto the mass of other locks already there. How in the hell did this tradition come about? I mean, locks? Seriously? Petra and David conveniently have locks with them. You know that some entrepreneur has set up a lock kiosk nearby, and does a ton of business. Petra and David discuss how they can't look at each other's wishes, or the wishes won't come true. Petra adds her lock to the mass, and we see that she wrote "Princess was here Petra." That's not a wish at all. Maybe her wish was written on the other side. David interviews that it's cool to think that their locks will be there for a long time. David tells Petra that it's like wishing on a star.
By Kim
David points out a copy of Michelangelo's David. Petra explains that it's a copy, because the original is in a museum. David didn't know that, and Petra apologizes for being kind of a know-it-all. Did he really think that a priceless statue would be displayed in the street? That's like my high-school history teacher who told us that the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware was kept in an information booth at the Lincoln Memorial. I kind of hated that teacher. He also told us that the Wizard of Oz was the first color film ever made. He lied a lot. ["Hey, my high-school history teacher was full of shit too! He was also a total alcoholic and would always make us do 'group work' so that he could leave the class for most of the day and drink in the teachers' lounge. Perhaps his lying and his alcoholism are related somehow?" -- Wing Chun]
David and Petra stop in a jewelry store. Petra interviews that she likes getting gifts. Petra picks out a necklace, and David tells her that it looks good. Petra interviews that she didn't look at the price of the necklace, but that usually when she likes something, it's expensive. David tells the clerk that they will take it. Petra protests, but David overrules her. David interviews that in Texas, he wouldn't be able to afford such gifts, and instead would have to buy her a Sno-Cone. I seriously would rather have the Sno-Cone. Or at least a Chipwich. David interviews that he thinks Petra would have been happy with just a Sno-Cone. As they leave the shop, David asks Petra if she's hungry, and she says that she is.
David and Petra have lunch at an outdoor café. Petra advises David always to ask for the best wine. David says he doesn't know anything about wine, and tells Petra that at home, they drink wine out of a box. Classy. Petra says it's not quite as nice as other wine. Petra offers up a Dutch word, but David has a little trouble pronouncing it. David interviews, "Wine is much better in Italy than in a box at home." This man is a sage. He's like Forrest Gump. Petra says that her mission today was to cheer up David. Petra interviews that it was nice to hang out with David in an informal setting. After lunch, David says that he had a great time, and Petra laments that she has to go. Petra interviews that she had a great time, and that David is nice and caring and "a cowboy with a good heart." David kisses Petra and puts her in the car. As she drives away, he looks around and says, "What a place." I think David has a semi. Either that or his pants are way too tight. David says that Petra "really knows how to cheer a guy up" which is even funnier if he did have a boner. David waves goodbye to Petra, revealing his pit stains. Sexy.
By Kim
Back at the villa, Cat prepares for her date. Cat interviews that she likes David because he's polite and honest, and that she's looking forward to going on a solo date. Cat is wearing a dress with a V-neck top, and she bends over and you can totally see her boobs.
Petra returns to the villa. Anique interviews that it's kind of weird to have a rotating date, where David is trying each of them out, and she thinks it creates jealousy in the group. Well, according to the "previously" segment, the jealousy is already "raging," so I don't know how much the dates can fan the flames. Olinda checks out Petra's necklace and asks how much David paid for it. Petra doesn't know. Petra asks if Olinda doesn't like the necklace. Olinda says that it's pretty, but that it's not her style, and that she's going to go for diamonds. She advises the other women to go for "the biggest rock you can get." Olinda interviews that she wants to go on a date with David, and that she was jealous. Isn't she going to go on a date with David later on? Olinda's weird.
Cat shows up for her date with David. They're at a spa or something. David asks if she likes saunas, and Cat asks if they will be naked. Cat interviews that the spa was romantic, and the perfect place for a date.
Back at the villa, the claws come out. Giada checks her lipstick in a silver platter, which is kind of awesome. Olinda makes fun of the way Cat would act on a date, and she imagines Cat would say, "You don't like music, nein?" Giada thinks that Cat is "the perfect German," and Olinda adds, "German bitch." Olinda voice-overs that she thinks Cat is very sneaky, and doesn't even want David. Olinda says, "Ich bin ein Berliner" which the subtitles claim means, "I am from Berlin," but we all know means "I am a jelly donut." Even if we only know it from watching Eddie Izzard's performances. Olinda imitates Cat telling David that she loves him, in a very masculine voice. Cat doesn't have a masculine voice. The other women giggle and smoke.
Cat and David put on swimsuits. Damn, Cat is so hot. David interviews that they started off in the grotto, which was like a cave. David says that it made him feel like a bear. He really is simple, isn't he? They walk into the grotto and sit in lounge chairs. David interviews that it was good to see Cat in a swimsuit. Cat and David sweat it up. David asks if she's into sports. Cat says she's into water sports. Hee! David says he's been water-skiing, and Cat has done that also. Cat interviews that you can look into someone's eyes and see if that's someone you are attracted to or not. Wow, suddenly this show turned into soft porn. There's a slow-motion montage of David's sweaty, naked chest, and then Cat's sweaty belly and breasts. Cat interviews that they talked about everything (including water sports!), and that she knew they would be alone and that there would be nothing to worry about.
By Kim
Back at the villa, Olinda is still talking shit about Cat. Olinda feels that Cat doesn't move her mouth when she speaks, doesn't speak English that well, and has a heavy German accent. And Olinda doesn't like Cat's laugh. I can't believe that someone from Germany doesn't speak English well and has a German accent. The nerve! Olinda might want to consider wearing a bra so that we can't see her scary sternum while she makes fun of other people. Olinda makes fun of the way Cat tried to comfort her when she was crying, noting that Cat had sweaty hands and couldn't show any emotion. Yeah, how dare she try to be nice! Shut up, Olinda.
David and Cat are still in the grotto. Cat asks how David's date with Petra went. David says that Petra cheered him up. David interviews that Cat was curious (because she's a cat!), and that he didn't really want to talk about Petra on their date. The producers need a segue, so they make David voice-over that he could have sat there with Cat for hours, but that they had to go to supper.
David and Cat get dressed. I hope they were allowed to take showers after all that sweating. I notice that neither of them has wet hair. David interviews that, on the way to supper, he felt Cat give him a tap on the butt. A slow-motion replay reveals that he's right. Cat and David sit at an outside table, presumably on the grounds of the spa. Cat orders wine for both of them, and says that she wants the best one. David asks about it, and Cat says that she always does that in restaurants. David interviews that he keeps having to remind himself that it's okay for the girls to spend his money in restaurants, because he's supposed to be rich. Well, just because he's rich doesn't mean that it's okay for the women just to spend all of his money, in my mind. David downs a glass of red wine and says that it's "perfect."
Back at the villa, Olinda says that all Cat does is sleep and complain and insult people all of the time. Giada agrees. I note that Olinda and Giada are really leading the charge here. The others are just listening and sometimes laughing. Olinda imitates how Cat sounds saying that she must drink wine.
Cut to Cat and David drinking wine. David offers up a toast to their first date alone. Cat says that the wine is good. David asks if it's not too heavy, then laughs at himself for pretending he knows what he's talking about.
Back at the villa, Olinda is still going on. Actually, I think that Olinda's whole rant here lasted about ten minutes total, but by cutting it up between segments of David and Cat's entire date, the editors made it seem like it went on all day. Clever. Olinda says, "Cat's a ho, and she's gotta go." The other women aren't really laughing anymore.
By Kim
Cat stares at David and tosses her hair around. The sun sets. David asks Cat if she's ever seen a rodeo. Cat says she hasn't, and that he'll have to show her. Cat says she'd like to try it. David laughs and asks if she's kicking him. What a dork. She's obviously trying to play footsie and he doesn't get it. Cat tells David that he was a bit more relaxed after a few glasses of wine. Cat says that she was already relaxed. David invites her to walk around a little bit. David interviews that Cat asked earlier in the supper if they could take a walk, so they did it after dessert. Cat and David walk around, holding hands. I'm totally expecting some slurping in the bushes like last season. David tells Cat that this is the most romantic situation he's ever been in, and that it couldn't have happened with a better person. Cat giggles. Cat interviews that love is when you want to do everything for another person, and do everything with him or her. David giggles and tells Cat that she's silly. He says that at least he's getting some exercise, and Cat offers to give him some exercise. Cut to them kissing. Cat interviews that he kissed her. They keep cutting back to a shot of the moon, which is weird. David screeches, "Just riiiiiiight!" What is wrong with him? I don't believe for a moment, actually, that he really said that when Cat kissed him. Cat interviews that it was a nice feeling and a special kiss. But was it perfect?
The women sit at a table outside the villa at night. They try to make it out like Olinda is still talking shit about Cat, but we don't actually see Olinda say anything, so it could've been audio patched in from some other time. Olinda thinks that Cat only acts sweet when the cameras are around. Olinda says that she won't deny talking about Cat, if Cat finds out. Just then, Cat joins the group, having returned from her date. Cat tosses her hair around like Hurricane tosses his mane. Maybe that's why David likes her so much. Giada asks to hear about Cat's date. Cat laments that there's no chair for her. Cat leaves to find herself a chair, and Olinda makes fun of the way Cat tosses her hair around, as the others giggle. Olinda voice-overs that Cat is really fake. Cat interviews that she's not sure if she's going to tell the others about kissing David, unless they ask her straight out. Olinda tells Cat that she looks fabulous. Olinda voice-overs that they all think Cat's not interested in David. Olinda asks Cat if she had sex with David, and whether it was good. Cat says yes on both counts. I assume that she is trying to make a joke, and not trying to lie about it. Cat interviews that she admitted that there was physical contact, and then everyone started accusing her of having sex, so she just went with it for a joke. Cat says she had fun on the date. Someone asks if David had fun, and Cat says that she thinks he did. Cat interviews that the others might be jealous, but that she can't control that. Cat interviews that the women talk about everything now, but that she doesn't know if they'll all be friends when they leave the house.
By Kim
Kristyna leaves to go to bed. Olinda says that she wants to stay and get the ring, and everyone laughs. Cat interviews that she didn't tell all because they would have just made fun of it. Olinda jokes that she knows someone is getting a diamond, and that it'll be Cat, because she's in love with David. I don't know what she's going on about half the time. Olinda interviews that it would suck if the final two came down to her and Cat, because Olinda hates Cat. Really? I didn't get that.
The morning, it's time for Giada's date. David voice-overs that he's taking her to one of the oldest perfumeries in the world. David greets Giada with some kisses. David interviews that Giada was in a great mood, and that he thought her red shirt looked good on her. While I'm thinking that the color really sets off her olive complexion, I'm sure David was looking at her boobs. Giada is also wearing these plastic bangles that I haven't seen since 1983. Giada compliments David's suit. Giada interviews that she'd like the opportunity to talk to David without the other women around. So far, each of them has expressed that wish just before going on a solo date. What a coincidence!
Back at the villa, Olinda, Anique, and Kristyna have a chat. Olinda says that David talked to Giada a lot on their group date. Anique says that Giada is super-pretty and super-sweet. Olinda thinks Anique is saying that the rest of them are super-ugly. Anique thinks that Giada is the prettiest woman left. Olinda and Kristyna disagree. I want to hear who they think is prettiest! I say Cat, but that's no surprise.
Giada checks out some antique bottles. Giada interviews that she had never been there, and that it was really nice. David holds something up for Giada to smell. David interviews that he likes Giada, and that she won't be "the first one to yell out a conversation, like Olinda."
At the villa, Olinda says that Giada's body is a little chubby. Anique says she likes that. Olinda says she's not being mean, because she has "small tits." So flat-chested women are incapable of being mean? I'm not sure I follow the logic there. Olinda says that Giada has beautiful skin tone, but her body isn't great. Anique says she likes a more feminine body like Giada's. Olinda doesn't. She says that Kristyna has curves, but that she doesn't have a big belly or a big ass, and Giada does.
Giada tells the perfume lady that she likes a rose scent. David likes the smell of wood. David smells something and laughs. Giada takes a whiff and goes, "Mamma mia!" I thought people only said that in pasta sauce commercials. David interviews that Giada was actually looking at the price tags, and he wondered why, since he supposedly has $80 million. David pays for their perfumes, and they leave.
By Kim
Back at the villa, Susan Faludi, Naomi Wolf, and Susan Bordo are debating women's body images. Oh, sorry. It's Olinda, Anique, and Kristyna. Kristyna says that some men like tall and skinny women, and some men like model-types. Olinda says that she loves Giada, but that her nose isn't perfect and her face is too small, and if Olinda were a guy, Giada wouldn't turn her on. Well, thank God not everyone in the world is like Olinda and expects perfection, and doesn't really care if a woman is nice. Also, it's ironic that Olinda is saying all this, since she is far from perfect with her scary chest and sternum.
David says goodbye to Giada. What a rip-off! She didn't even get a meal out of it. They were together for, like, half an hour. Giada interviews that she didn't have time to talk to David, and that she's afraid that she'll get eliminated. Giada asks David if he'll promise that she can see Hurricane again. David laughs. David interviews that Giada is great and seems to like him for who he is, which is what he wants. Hurricane is like, "I'd like to see Giada again! She's got a great rack. Neigh!"
As Kristyna walks out of the house, David voice-overs that he didn't get much of a chance to talk to her on the group dates, so he's looking forward to one-on-one time. What a twist! This time, David is the one looking forward to the solo date. The producers of this show never stop surprising me. Kristyna meets David, and he tells her that she looks great. David is holding an umbrella as they walk down to a gondola. David comments that the weather isn't great, but that they'll still have fun. David voice-overs that they were supposed to have a romantic boat ride on the Arno River, but that it rained. Cut to pouring rain as David and Kristyna try to avoid getting soaked. Kristyna interviews that it was still nice. Kristyna spots an animal swimming in the water. David asks the gondolier, "What is that deal swimming? Is that a beaver?" He really could not be more of a hick. The gondolier says that it's a nutria. The poor gondolier doesn't even have a raincoat. Kristyna says that she saw a cute animal swimming, and that it was "a bit like a rat, but much nicer." David asks Kristyna if she's staying dry, and that they're the only ones crazy enough to be out on the river in the pouring rain. David interviews that the date went in the wrong direction, and that it started when Kristyna brought up Linda. Kristyna says that Linda wanted Kristyna to tell David that Linda's wanting to go home had nothing to do with David, and that he shouldn't take it personally.
David and Kristyna get off the boat, now that the rain is slowing, and head to a restaurant. David tries to make small talk, but Kristyna doesn't have much to say. David interviews that Kristyna is hard to talk to, because she just gives yes or no answers, and he doesn't know what's going on with her. Kristyna asks David if he likes cats or dogs better. David says that he has a cat, but that he likes dogs. But what he really likes are cows. Hurricane is like, "What about horses, bitch?" (I'm just going to insert Hurricane into every scene whether he's there or not.) Kristyna says that baby cows are cute. Unlike other baby animals, which are ugly as sin. Kristyna tells a story about a time when she went cow-tipping, and laughs at how the cows fell over. David voice-overs that he couldn't believe she was talking about cow-tipping, and that he's a cowboy. Yes, because cow-tipping is so much crueler than chasing them down while riding a horse and tying them up with ropes. David asks for the check. Outside, Kristyna asks David if he would call Linda if he had her number. What is she, Linda's pimp? David doesn't seem receptive, and asks why Kristyna keeps bringing up Linda. David interviews that it really bummed him out, because he didn't want to hear about Linda. David puts Kristyna in a car and she drives away. She's so toast. Which is a good thing, because her bad highlights are totally growing out and it's just going to get worse. Also, I'm glad she's going, because it's difficult to type out her name. I always want to switch the Y and the I around.
By Kim
Kristyna returns to the villa. The other women want to hear about her date. Giada interviews that Kristyna wasn't happy. Giada tells Kristyna that it looks like it was the worst day in her life. Kristyna nods her head, like, "Well, yeah." Olinda interviews that she felt bad for Kristyna and her bad date. Kristyna says she's not exaggerating, and that it wasn't that terrible, but that it was pretty bad. Kristyna relays how David asked her to stop talking about Linda. I don't feel bad for her at all.
Petra interviews that Kristyna was totally pale, and Cat didn't care at all. Why should Cat care? Petra interviews that all of the girls find Cat rude, so they talked to her about it after dinner. Giada says that Cat was rude to her. Flashback to Giada asking Cat about the song Puff Daddy did with Sting. Cat says that pop music is stupid. I don't blame Cat; that song is stupid. And old. Giada says that Cat never apologized. Olinda interviews that she's not sure how it all happened, because she was kind of drunk. Olinda says she's not trying to be evil, but that she's being honest, and that she thinks Cat is being kind of rude. Petra interviews that Cat has attitude problems. Petra says that when she tried to talk to Cat, Cat told her to talk to someone else, and it wasn't nice. Anique interviews that they were just being honest, and that Cat wasn't shocked. Anique says that Cat just says things in a rude manner and rolls her eyes. Cat interviews that the other women misunderstand her, but that she doesn't want to complain about the other women. Olinda says that Cat is fake. Olinda interviews that Cat doesn't like David. Cat interviews that the other women might be jealous. Olinda keeps saying that she might be wrong, but that this is how she feels. Throughout this attack, Cat just sits quietly with a blank expression. Anique says they would have liked to see some emotion from Cat, but that it was probably better for her that she didn't show any. Cat interviews that if anyone has a problem with her, they should tell her in the moment, not two days later. Anique kisses Cat good night. Olinda interviews that she thinks Cat is a real snake. Olinda wants to shake Cat's hand. Olinda interviews that Cat is schizo. Anique interviews that they stopped the conversation, because it didn't make sense to go on about it. The women all leave the room. Olinda tells Anique that she's weird.
Anique interviews that they all went to the swimming pool. I am so confused about the timeline right now, because Kristyna just got back from her date, which I assumed took most of the daylight hours, and yet it's still totally light out. Did they move to Alaska or something? At the pool, the other women swim in their underwear while Cat watches from the side. Suddenly, it's dark out. Olinda interviews that she still thinks Cat is fake. Anique interviews that she doesn't know if Cat is nice, or just being phony. Olinda, Anique, and one other woman (Petra?) swim while Cat walks back up to the house alone. Cat interviews that she felt sad and had a headache, so she tried to go to bed. Olinda thought Cat was going to have a nervous breakdown. Cat lies in bed and cries. I guess. From the noises she was making, I kind of thought at first that she was masturbating.
By Kim
The morning, Olinda has a serious hangover. Olinda interviews that she got to sleep at 3:00 AM, and we see that she has to leave the house at 8:00 AM. Olinda says she's not going. David interviews that Olinda has the greatest personality. Olinda says that it's gong to suck. David interviews that you know exactly what Olinda is thinking. Olinda wonders if she'll get a Gucci bag if she gets up. David interviews that Olinda is respectful and classy. Olinda tells one of the other women (Petra?) that she should have to get up, and that it's not fair, and then starts slapping her on the ass. Oh, ironic juxtaposition. How well you have served us in the world of reality television. Olinda interviews that she was hung over and saying that she didn't want to go, but that she hopes to go shopping. Olinda walks out to the car and says that there had better be aspirin in there. In an interview, David concludes, "She's just Olinda!"
David interviews the usual sentiment about how he wants one-on-one time. Just once, I wish someone would say, "Eh, I liked the group dates better." Olinda arrives and greets David, who has, over the past few days, sprouted some unfortunate bangs that make his forehead look more prehistoric than ever. Olinda says that she likes David's outfit. David interviews that Olinda is a fashion designer, so he thought she would like to go shopping. David suggests that they buy her some sunglasses. David interviews that he feels like Superman, since he can buy anything he wants. Olinda interviews that she picked out the most expensive sunglasses in the shop. She tells David that it feels weird that he's buying her stuff, and David says that he enjoys it. Olinda thinks he'll change his mind when he hears the price. David interviews that he spent four hundred dollars. Olinda interviews that she likes David more every day and laughs as she says, "I wonder why?" Because she's realizing that she's a whore, and that her affections can be bought?
David and Olinda (and their ugly sunglasses) go to a café. David asks if Olinda was always outgoing growing up. Olinda says that she was shy as a kid -- unbearably so. David interviews that he doesn't believe it, because she's "like a jackhammer right now." David thinks Olinda has an interesting personality, and has a beautiful attitude. Olinda says she doesn't think she's beautiful, but that she likes to laugh a lot. David interviews that the conversation was good. Olinda asks if that's where he had lunch with Petra. David says he doesn't remember. Olinda assures him that he can afford it. David interviews that Olinda is nice, and he doesn't think she's a gold-digger. Is it me, or are the dates getting shorter and shorter?
By Kim
At the villa, Anique says that she's excited to go on a date for all the same reasons that everyone else already said. Anique's car pulls out as Olinda's pulls in. It really is a rotating date. Olinda shows Kristyna her new sunglasses. As more women arrive to hear about the date, Olinda keeps going on and on about the sunglasses, telling everyone how much they cost. Giada interviews that she's never spent that much money.
David greets Anique with some kisses. David interviews that he and Anique went out and overlooked the whole city. David points out where he went on a boat with Kristyna. Anique interviews that she felt comfortable. David compliments the thin braid Anique has in her hair, and Anique says that she did it while she was on the toilet. Sexy! David interviews that it was a beautiful setting for a date. Anique and David sit down to dinner at sunset. Anique interviews that the table was small and intimate, and that it was a perfect date. Anique tells David that her mom does accounting, and David says that his dad's degree is in accounting. Fascinating stuff. David interviews that Anique's parents taught her to be honest. Anique says that her mom can take care of Anique's finances when she gets rich in the future. David interviews that Anique is tall and pretty and could be a supermodel. David asks Anique what she wants to do in the future. Anique asks if he's familiar with The A-Team. She wants to be B.A. Baracus? Or Murdoch? David has never heard of the show. What? How can he live in America and not know about The A-Team? He must be some kind of pinko. Anique explains the premise of the show, and then says that it made her want to be a helicopter pilot, but that it's expensive. Anique interviews that she likes David more now, and that she'll be sad if she has to leave. David tries to say the Dutch word Petra taught him, and fails miserably. Anique figures out what he's talking about, and explains that it's a positive word. David interviews that it was the coolest date of all.
That night, the women sit on the porch. Samantha walks out and says hello. She says way too excitedly that it was great for them to have alone time with David. The women are totally not listening to her. Samantha says that two of them will have to be eliminated tonight, and leaves to go get David. Anique interviews that she could be eliminated, but that she thinks it will be Cat or Olinda. Giada interviews that she wants to know David tomorrow, so if she gets eliminated, she will explode like a bomb. Hey, is that a terrorist threat? Call Jack Bauer!
By Kim
The women line up on the porch and await David's arrival. Paul and David finally walk out and take their places. David says that he had a lot of fun on all of the dates, and that they are amazing girls. He adds, "Whoever gets you, they're just the luckiest guys." David asks them not to take his decisions to heart, and then asks Paul to announce who will be staying and getting a ruby necklace. Hey, they didn't announce the necklace type!
Paul calls Petra's name first. David voice-overs that Petra has a good heart, and that he doesn't think she's out for the money. Paul calls Olinda's name . Olinda pretends she's surprised, and everyone laughs. David voice-overs that Olinda is fun, and that they had a good date. Two necklaces left! Paul calls Anique's name. Anique lets out all her breath like she had been holding it. David voice-overs that Anique was on the bottom of his list, and that she's moved up to the top. Well, she wasn't really on the bottom, or she would already be gone. After about a million shots of each woman's face, and another shot of the sole remaining necklace, and a shot of the moon, we go to commercial. Oh, come on.
After about eight more shots of each woman's face, Paul calls Cat's name. Kristyna looks like she's squelching a burp. Olinda makes a gesture like a tear is running down her face. David voice-overs that he and Cat have a spark and are attracted to each other. David apologizes to Kristyna and Giada. Shouldn't Giada be exploding right about now? David and Paul leave, and Olinda gives Kristyna a hug. Kristyna interviews that she's not ready to go, and that she didn't expect to leave. Really? After that terrible date? She is deluded. David tells Paul that he wants to get to know the women, and that time is a factor, and you never know if your decision is right. Paul returns and tells the women that the remaining ladies will be leaving the day for a three-day trip to Rome. Olinda makes an arm-pumping "Yes!" gesture, which seems kind of mean to do in front of Giada and Kristyna. And she says that Cat is rude! Paul leads Giada and Kristyna off to pack. Giada interviews that she's upset and sad that she had to leave. But no explosion. David interviews that he felt horrible about the elimination, and that he connected more with Giada than with Kristyna, but that he had to let someone go.
David voice-overs that he hopes he made the right decision. Petra checks out Cat's necklace. Anique says that she hasn't even looked at her. See? Because she's not a gold-digger. Anique interviews that she thinks David is funny, sexy, good-looking, and rich, so it's nice to stay. Anique tells the others that David likes her better than he liked Kristyna. Petra says that he likes her better than Giada. Cat just watches them silently. Cat interviews that it's okay that the others don't take David seriously, because he will find out. Olinda calls David a sugar daddy. Olinda interviews that she likes diamonds, and that she hopes David will buy her more. David voice-overs that he really likes the women, and that he hopes they like him, because eventually he'll have to tell them what he's really worth. David thinks it's getting scarier as time goes on. They haven't really harped on the "David is lying" thing that much in the last few episodes. It's almost like watching The Bachelor or something. Maybe that's the point.
By Kim
Paul comes back and wonders if David is making the best decisions. He reminds us that David and the women will be headed to Rome, and says that the episode starts...right...now. Boo! My aching wrists.
David interviews that he's always dreamed about going to Rome, and now he's going with four beautiful women. Montage of various famous Roman landmarks as "That's Amore" plays. Come on. That's not really an Italian song. That's an American song. They couldn't at least play some opera or something? Olinda interviews that Rome is a romantic city. Petra interviews that she will see all new things. Anique interviews that she's looking forward to seeing more of David, and getting out of the villa. Cat interviews that she hopes they will have fun in Rome and get to know each other more. David voice-overs that Rome is incredible; he adds that they're staying at one of the most expensive hotels in the city, and that they have the whole east wing to themselves. He hopes the women will be impressed.
The women's car pulls up to the hotel, and flashes go off. Paul voice-overs that some paparazzi showed up when the limo pulled up, so they had to bring the women around to the back door. Paul tells the women that they impressed Rome with their arrival. The women check out the beautiful hotel. It is pretty gorgeous. Paul says they can have their choice of rooms, and Olinda says she wants the best one. Paul rolls his eyes. Heh. Paul voice-overs that the "grandeur of the hotel" and the paparazzi have gone to the women's heads. Petra asks if it's a five-star hotel. Cat complains about getting the "lousiest shit," and that she has to put her own light bulbs in. Well, if it's a super-fancy hotel, that is kind of crap. Olinda tells Petra where she can and can't stay. Olinda wants to stay to Anique, because they are best friends, and Petra is not. Wow, I haven't said something like that since fifth grade. Petra interviews that Olinda is a spoiled brat. Olinda complains that she has to room to Cat, and wonders why David didn't pick Kristyna. Cat is standing right there, and Olinda says that she hates her. Cat interviews that Olinda is giving her a hard time. Olinda interviews that Cat is boring, and that she doesn't like boring people. Paul tells the women to powder their noses and meet for a champagne cocktail on the terrace.
The women head up to the terrace. Petra is once again wearing her camouflage tank top. I can't see her upper body! It's hidden. I kind of hate camouflage. Petra spots a hot air balloon in the sky and says that David is on it with a table. She pretends to talk to the balloon on a walkie-talkie, and then repeats that David is on it with a table. Olinda complains that Petra said that five times, and that if she says it again, Olinda will shove Petra off the roof. Petra interviews that Olinda is a mean drunk. Olinda asks Petra where she thinks the balloon is supposed to land. Petra says that they are supposed to go find the balloon. Olinda nods, like, "Good one." Cat interviews that Olinda showed her character. Petra asks why else they would have to stand on the roof. Olinda explains that they are bringing up their luggage, and then curses. Petra is being pretty annoying, but I would just ignore her.
By Kim
David looks out his hotel window and says that the city is beautiful. Paul tells the women that their luggage has arrived, so they can stay on the terrace, or return to their rooms and get ready for dinner. Petra says that they should go, and she and Cat leave with Paul. Olinda asks Anique if Cat could fall down the stairs and die. Olinda interviews that Cat was acting all innocent, and that they know she's not. Anique keeps telling Olinda to chill, and Olinda says that she wants to hit Cat. Anique interviews that Olinda freaked out. Olinda snarls, "She's a gold-digger!" Anique interviews that she was worried. Anique tells Olinda that she's scary. Olinda lets out a crazy high-pitched giggle and takes another drag of her cigarette.
The day, Paul fetches David for his date with Petra. David interviews that he's going to take Petra for a romantic trip around Rome. Petra opens her hotel-room door and gives David the standard three cheek kisses; she then tells him that he looks handsome. Petra interviews that David is a sweet guy, and much more relaxed. She offers the example that he's drinking wine now and loves champagne, and doesn't say, "Yes, ma'am" anymore.
The other women gather for a room-service breakfast. Olinda says that she likes Petra, but that she gets on Olinda's nerves. Cat tells Olinda that she can be cruel. Olinda tells her to shut up. Cat asks why Olinda hates her now. Olinda says that they've hated her the whole time. In the morning light, with no makeup, Olinda looks about sixty-five years old. Cat calls Olinda a bitch and leaves. Olinda says that Cat is bitchy because she hasn't gotten laid. Cat runs off down the hall, crying. That whole scene was so weird. From my description, it probably sounded like a big fight, but there was, like, no emotion behind the words.
Petra and David stare at a fountain and talk. Petra interviews that David is nice and honest. Outside a shop, they see a wooden Pinocchio puppet. David comments, "He lies, so his nose grows." A cymbal crashes, in case you missed the irony there. David interviews that he feels terrible about lying to Petra, because she seems so honest. David says that smoking is very common in Europe. Petra says that she doesn't smoke. Cut to footage of Petra smoking. David says that Petra is the only girl who doesn't smoke. Cut to more footage of Petra smoking. Well, she could mean that she's not a smoker, and only smokes once in a while.
Petra interviews that they went to see a statue called the Mouth of Truth. David interviews that he was "sweating bullets" because the legend is that you stick your hand in the mouth and someone asks you a question, and if you lie, your fingers get chopped off. Does he really think that his fingers would get chopped off? Petra sticks her hand in the mouth, and David asks if he likes her. Petra says yes, and shows that her fingers are still there. David interviews that he found out she likes him. Petra interviews that she's always truthful. David interviews that he was worried that Petra would ask him about the money, or Hurricane, or any of his lies. Petra asks if he's happy to be there. David says he is, and shows that his hand is still there. Seriously. Did he really think that if he lied, his fingers would get chopped off? Although it would have been funny if production rigged something to make David think his fingers were about to be chopped off, and he freaked out.
By Kim
Anique is waiting back at the hotel. She voice-overs that she was worried David was falling in love with one of the other women. Wow. Fascinating.
Petra and David go to the top of the Spanish steps. David interviews that he bought Petra some bracelets. David presents them to her, and she's happy. Petra interviews that she likes expensive gifts, and then laughs and says that she's kidding. David interviews that the bracelets weren't made of diamonds or gold, but that they had meaning. Petra interviews that David treats her like a princess. They come upon some street theater, and David puts a crown on Petra's head. Petra interviews that the queen rules, but that everyone loves the princess. David and Petra pose with the actors. I think the woman playing the queen might be Olinda's mom. Well, she's kind of old. Maybe it's Olinda's sister. David interviews that he gets along with Petra, because she's beautiful and fun and he thinks she likes him for who he is.
Paul helps David to get ready for his date with Anique. David interviews that he's looking forward to being with Anique, because it's been going well, and he thinks something could happen. David picks Anique up and gives her a flower. David asks if she's heard what they're doing, and says that they're going to the Trevi Fountain. David interviews that Anique is "very, very, very good-looking" and "stunning" and "pretty magical."
David and Anique get into a carriage. Anique interviews that David is more relaxed. David interviews that Anique is easy-going, and that they're becoming more intimate. It's not where he wants it to be yet, but it could get there. Anique interviews that David is interesting. He's so picking her. They stop and pet the horse that was pulling the carriage. Anique asks why he has cotton in his ears, and David says it's to keep out the noise so that the horse doesn't get spooked by the crowd. The horse is like, "Spook this, loser. Neigh!" Anique voice-overs that she and David are both passionate about horses. David jokes that the horse was trying to kiss her.
Petra voice-overs that while Anique was on her date, the rest of the women had a drink in the hotel. The women are all hanging out in their underwear, for some reason. ["Kim, come on -- you know that's what women all do when we're alone. They're just resting up for the big pillow fight, I am sure." -- Wing Chun] Olinda is also wearing sunglasses and drinking out of the champagne bottle. She burps, and then starts slapping Cat. Pillow fight! ["See?" -- Wing Chun] Cat interviews that Olinda is a loud drunk, and that it was hard to be with her in the room. Cat leaves the room. Petra tells Olinda that Cat said she likes the game. Olinda growls that she hates Cat, and adds, "I'm like a psycho." "Like" one? Then she takes another pull from the champagne bottle.
By Kim
David interviews that there is a story that if you throw a coin into the Trevi Fountain, you will return to Rome. David offers Anique a coin. He takes an American one, and she takes an Italian one. David and Anique make their wishes and toss the coins over their shoulders. Anique asks if you can do three wishes at the same time. She makes her wish and throws it into the fountain. Anique interviews that she's not telling her wish, because then it won't come true. Wait, who said anything about wishes? I thought it was just that by throwing it in, you will return to Rome some day.
David and Anique go out to eat. This date seems way longer than David's date with Petra. David gives Anique a gift. She opens it, and it's a toy helicopter, since she said she wanted to fly one like on The A-Team. I asked my husband if there was a helicopter on The A-Team since I never watched it (although, unlike David, I've heard of it), and he says that while there may have been episodes with helicopters, it wasn't a main feature. His exact words were, "It's not like it was Air Wolf or something." He's such a guy. Anyway, Anique is excited about her gift, and pleased that David thought of her; it was original.
Back at the hotel, Olinda voice-overs that Cat is playing games, and suddenly claims that she does like David. Cat interviews that she knows Olinda was talking about her, and that it makes you crazy when you think about what others think. Cat gets ready for her date with David, which involves tossing her hair around and unloading an entire bottle of hair spray. Olinda interviews that she would tell Cat off if she had to. Hasn't she already told Cat off, like, twice? And it was boring both times? I'm not sure why I'm supposed to care.
Cat and David get ready for their date. Cat interviews that she would never kiss a guy whom she's not attracted to. David arrives while Cat is still brushing her teeth, and he tells her that she looks nice. They walk outside, where a Rolls Royce is waiting. David is surprised that Cat knows what kind of car it is, and Cat says, "I know what this is." David replies, "Yeah...I...good." ["Which one of them is the non-native English speaker, again?" -- Wing Chun]
David and Cat go to a café for dinner. Cat asks David to eat some of her food. David says she doesn't ever eat, and that she's a cheap date. Cat says that he doesn't have to buy her sunglasses for €130. Mrow! But subtle. I like it. Flashback to Olinda bragging about how much her sunglasses cost. David says that the Olinda's sunglasses cost over €300, and then realizes that he's making a big deal out if it, when it wouldn't be if he had a lot of money. I don't understand the idea that rich people don't care what things cost. I think the ones wjp stay rich do care what things cost. David interviews that he has to remember that he's supposed to have a lot of money. Cat fans herself, and David comments that the lighting is hot. Cat says, "Oh, it's the lights?" Under the table, Cat has kicked off her shoes and has her foot on top of David's. David interviews that Cat is very forward. David puts his hand on her knee. David voice-overs that Cat is straightforward, and that when she suggested a walk, he knew what she meant. Cat puts her shoes back on, and they leave.
By Kim
Grainy black and white footage of Rome, for no reason. Cat interviews that David held her hand on the walk, and that it seemed natural. Cat thinks Rome is romantic at night. They walk up some steps, and there's a statue at the top. David comments, "Horses and naked men." Cat laughs that she likes it. Cat asks David who is his favorite girl. David says that, at this moment, it's Cat. They stop, and Cat plays with David's tie. Duh! She wants to yank your wang, idiot! David interviews that Cat goes after what she wants. Finally, David kisses her. Cat interviews that David is a good kisser. David offers to show Cat his room. Woo!
Back in David's room, he opens a bottle of champagne. Cat teases him for drinking his glass so quickly. Cat interviews that David will like her the best because she's being honest, and that the other women are just joking. Cat suggests that they go out on the balcony, and tells David to bring the bottle of champagne. Cat interviews that they kept talking. Cat asks David if he was really in love with Linda. Uh oh. You saw where that got Kristyna! David says, "With Linda? I didn't even know Linda." David adds that it was sad that he didn't get to know her, and that if Cat didn't want to stay, he wouldn't get to know her. David interviews that he was surprised Cat brought up Linda, but that she might be trying to figure out where she stands. David says good night to Cat, and they kiss. Cat interviews that they had fun, and that David likes her the best of all the girls.
Back at the hotel, Anique asks Cat if she had a nice time. Cat says that they had some wine and went for a walk, and then went back to the hotel. Olinda says that Anique got really upset. Anique interviews that she's jealous that the others were having a good time, because she's having feelings for David. Anique says, "His room is great, isn't it?" Cat agrees. Anique says, "He's a good kisser, isn't he?" Cat agrees. Petra interviews that Cat had a nice date and tried to play games with Anique, but that Petra doesn't like it. Cat interviews that, while lying in bed, she realized she wanted to see David. Cat goes back to David's room and knocks on the door. She wonders aloud what she's doing. She rings a buzzer. Petra interviews that she heard Cat trying to go into David's suite. Cat walks into David's room. And then what happened?
The morning, David gets dressed. So does Olinda. So what happened with Cat? David picks up Olinda for their date. Olinda asks what he has planned, and David says she'll have to wait and see. They arrive at some ruins, and are greeted by a gladiator in a chariot. The whole effect is kind of ruined by the graffiti on the stone walls. David and Olinda get into gladiator wear. My God. David looks super-hot. He's wearing, like, a leather mini-skirt. I wonder if every man looks hot in gladiator wear. I usually think Russell Crowe is kind of gross, but I thought he was hot in Gladiator. Olinda tells David not to laugh at her. Poor Paul is forced to wear a toga with a wreath on his head. I really, really hope he got a big raise this season. David and Olinda get swords and fight, although it looks highly choreographed. Paul shakes his head. David interviews that it was the best date, because he felt like a gladiator. Olinda takes one swing at David and almost hits his hand and chops off his thumb. All action stops. Olinda laughs and apologizes. David looks a little freaked out. Afterwards, David picks Olinda up and throws her around. Olinda tells him to stop, because her underwear is showing. Like that's ever stopped her before. David interviews that it was the coolest date ever. Paul tells them to follow him, because they have a Roman feast set up. Will there be a vomitorium and everything?
By Kim
Olinda and David sit on a bench and eat. Olinda interviews that there was a ton of food and red wine, and that she finally had a chance to talk to David. What was she doing on their first solo date? They drink a lot of wine. Olinda interviews that she thinks they had a good date and really connected.
David takes Olinda back to his suite. David interviews that you couldn't get romantic in a gladiator uniform, so he invited her back to his room. David and Olinda drink champagne. Olinda interviews that she really likes David, and that he's charming. David interviews that he saw a more intimate side of Olinda. I don't think David knows what "intimate" means. While we look at a shot of the moon, Olinda tells David to work his muscles, and says that the other girls are going to hate her. I guess we're supposed to think they're doing it, but I don't buy it. I think she said both of those things while they were playing gladiator.
Back at the villa, the women walk out onto the porch with Paul. Petra interviews that she knows there is an elimination tonight, but that she doesn't know how many women will be leaving, so she's "very nervous breakdown." Anique interviews that she'll be sad if she gets eliminated. The women joke about Samantha wearing the same dress Olinda is. Cat asks for some drinks, and Olinda tells her to shut up and that she hates Cat. See, I think Olinda has mostly been joking this whole time, because everyone is laughing, including Cat. Why would they be laughing if she were serious? Olinda interviews that she hates Cat and wants to kill her, and that she thinks Cat is fake. Cat sits there and looks upset. Olinda interviews that Cat can be sweet if she wants to, but that she's fake and phony. So does Olinda think Cat is fake? And does she hate her?
Samantha shows up and says that she heard the dates in Rome were great. I think Samantha should say stuff like who kissed David, and who fooled around with him. That would make this show sort of interesting. Samantha announces that one woman will be leaving, and the other women will get a diamond necklace. So you know Olinda's getting the boot, since she talked about diamonds every second. Samantha leaves to go get David.
Paul and David hang out in the study. Paul says he hopes David has chosen wisely, and David does too. The women line up on the porch. Olinda says that whatever happens is destiny. I notice that the women used to get all dressed up for the elimination ceremony, and that their dress has gotten progressively more casual. Olinda starts joking that she's skinny, so she won't get voted off, and then says that she will, because she's psycho. Olinda's bony sternum is in full effect.
By Kim
Finally, Paul and David walk out, and Olinda shuts up for a minute. David says that they all look nice, and that he couldn't have a better group of women there. David says they make it hard (dirty!), because they are all nice and polite. He says that they know he doesn't like to do this, and he hopes.... Olinda interrupts and says that they are all going to take it personally. David softly says, "It's not personal." Anique assures him that they know that. Paul gets started. Man, the lighting on the porch makes all of the women look really old. Paul calls Petra's name first. David voice-overs that he likes Petra's personality the most, and that things are moving forward with them. Olinda chomps on her gum. Paul calls Anique's name. David voice-overs exactly the same thing he said about Anique earlier, to the effect that "something could happen." One necklace left. Paul calls Cat's name. Olinda smirks. David voice-overs that he and Cat have a spark, and that she's more romantic than the other girls. David tells Olinda that this isn't rejection. Olinda jokes that she's taking it personally. David says that the gladiator date was the best date he's ever had. Olinda is actually gracious about it. David tells her to call if she ever gets to the States, and gives her a hug. Paul and David take off.
Olinda interviews that she doesn't have any hard feelings toward David. She thinks it sucks, but that's life. She thinks David has to follow his heart, and that they didn't click. Olinda hugs each woman in turn. Cat gives her a big hug, and Olinda kind of rolls her eyes. Olinda wants to have a drink before she leaves. David interviews that he and Olinda are worlds apart in personality, and that he couldn't see them together for a long time. Olinda goes to pack. David voice-overs that he thinks Olinda wants the wealthy lifestyle, and that the villa will be a lot quieter now that Olinda is gone. He pronounces "villa" like Bob Vila. Cat interviews that she's happy Olinda has to leave, and she gets to stay. Olinda walks out in the hall and announces to someone, "I'm done." No shit.
The remaining three women sit on a love seat and smoke, including Petra the non-smoker. Cat says she's left with them. Anique says it's like World War II with Holland against Germany. Cat says that Germany is bigger than Holland. Anique says that the two of them are bigger than she, and more evil.
Paul says that it was a tough decision, or maybe not. He thinks Cat is the target of the other women's "wrath," but that she might be getting "a leg up" on the competition. Paul says that David will be taking the remaining women to romantic spots around Italy. The previews reveal that, week, one of the women will leave, and David gets to pick one of the previously eliminated women to return. What a shocking twist! Except that I don't really care.