By Kim
Previously on Joe Millionaire: David took the women on romantic dates (hey -- there's something different), and Cat was "very forward." David eliminated Giada, and she didn't "explode like a bomb," and he also eliminated Kristyna. Olinda fought with Cat and Petra, and got eliminated. Cat was the lone German left against the two Dutch girls, and Anique compared it to World War II.
Paul welcomes us back and sums up everything that we just saw in the "previously" segment. Paul says that David will take the remaining three women on "jet-set dates" to help him figure out who likes him for who he is, and not his money. Paul says that one of the previously eliminated girls asked to come back and talk to David again, and "we" obliged. I love how Paul just slips that in there, like it doesn't totally screw up the whole game. And also, how Paul pretends like he has anything to do with the production or direction of the series, when we all know that he just gets paid (hopefully) a decent amount of money to make segues and move the action along.
The women eat breakfast at the villa. Petra sits at the table with her hood up, all Eminem in 8 Mile. Petra interviews that she doesn't think David made the right decision in eliminating Olinda. Well, it's too bad David didn't ask Petra's advice before eliminating one of her romantic rivals. I can't imagine why he didn't. Cat interviews that she thinks Petra wanted Cat to be eliminated, and she doesn't know why. Petra voice-overs that Cat just doesn't talk, and it's rude. I kind of get the vibe that Cat doesn't understand English that well. She doesn't speak it as well as some of the other women do, anyway. Maybe she doesn't talk because she's not sure which words to use, or she doesn't fully understand what the other women are talking about. Anique interviews that Cat isn't open and honest with them. Did they come there to make friends or to meet David? I guess I just don't understand why Cat has to be friendly with them. It's not summer camp. Petra interviews that, with Anique there, she feels like "Dutch girls rule." Paul walks into the room and congratulates them for "joining the diamond club," and then announces that Anique has to be ready to leave for her date at noon.
By Kim
Anique gets ready while Petra and Cat lie in bed. Together! I thought they hated each other. Cat is back in her pajamas, even though she was dressed at breakfast. Anique voice-overs that she thinks David likes her, and that they will have a fun date. David greets Anique outside the villa. David interviews that he thought Anique was stuck-up at first, but that since he's gotten to know her, he thinks she's amazing. David and Anique pull up to a heliport, and Anique is thrilled to ride in a helicopter. Anique interviews that she never expected it. They get into the helicopter. Anique voice-overs that she can't believe David remembered that she wanted to fly a helicopter. Yeah, like it was David who remembered, and not someone on the production staff. Anique checks out all the switches and lights and stuff. The pilot lets Anique be the co-pilot. I hope this doesn't end up like ER last week. Anique and David talk about how beautiful the view is. David interviews that Anique wanted the pilot to "drive more crazy," but that he didn't want that. David adds that they did all kinds of helicopter tricks and had fun. Anique interviews that this is a situation where you have "loads of fun," and afterwards you fall in love. Maybe that was poorly translated or something, but I have no idea what she's talking about.
Anique and David arrive in Portofino, which David describes as "a rich people's playground." So where's the diamond-encrusted jungle gym and the gold-plated monkey bars? Anique says that the hotel was beautiful, and that they had adjoining rooms. They check out David's room, which is huge. David is giggling like a little kid as he runs around, checking everything out. He's not doing a very good impression of a rich guy. There's a huge balcony outside that looks like it's about as big as my house. David interviews that Anique is easy to get along with, and fun. Anique pretends to be mad that David has a bigger room.
Back at the villa, Petra and Cat have lunch. Petra interviews that Cat didn't speak to her the entire time they were eating. Petra suggests to Cat that they play a game, such as chess. Cat pretends that she didn't hear her. Petra interviews that she finds Cat's attitude childish, and that she's fed up. Petra tells Cat that she's rude, and that Petra is trying to make the best of it and start a conversation. Cat says she doesn't want to "start stupid conversations." Petra tells Cat that she doesn't have to be so rude all the time. Cat interviews that Petra is giving her a hard time because David likes her best. Now that Olinda is gone, I guess they had to crown a new bitch or something. Petra says that if this is Cat's best effort, it really sucks. Cat voice-overs that she doesn't care what Petra and the others think, because she's there for David.
By Kim
Back in Portofino, Anique and David walk by a marina. Anique interviews that they changed clothes for dinner, and that there were both small and big boats in the harbor. Sometimes it sounds like she's on Sesame Street. I can just imagine a whole segment where she points to a small boat and goes, "Smaaaaall" and then points to a large boat and goes, "Laaaaaarge." I have to make my own fun around here. Anique jokingly points out a giant boat and says that it must be David's. He plays along and points out another boat that must be hers, which isn't really that funny, because she doesn't supposedly have $80 million or whatever. Anique voice-overs that they walked through some shops, and David saw a purse for her. David picked it out? Why do I kind of doubt that? Either Anique picked it out, or someone from production picked it out. Anique interviews that David bought it for her. Anique giggles and thanks him. David interviews that he likes buying the girls gifts, but that the amount of money he's spending on Anique is ridiculous, and that he's not going to be able to tell if she likes him or his money. I had this problem last season, but I don't understand how this whole contrived setup proves anything -- at least not until the truth is revealed to the women. Like, if the women commit to the scenario, they truly think that David has money, so who can blame them for not feeling guilty if he buys them stuff? It's not like he can't afford it. If I were ridiculously wealthy, I would love to buy stuff for family and friends. Hell, I like to do it now, and I'm not ridiculously wealthy. Anyway. My point is that this show is stupid. Thank you.
Anique and David go to dinner and drink giant glasses of wine. David wants to look at the purse again. Man, that is one ugly purse. It's like if you took a black purse and then covered it in gauze, and then strategically (or randomly) ripped the gauze off in spots so that the black parts showed through. So it kind of looks like a diseased pony. Anique interviews that a guy with a lot of money can give you a spectacular date. See, I don't see what's so wrong with saying that.
Back at the villa, Petra is still mad at Cat. Petra tells Cat that while they were eating, Cat didn't say anything for an hour, which wasn't okay. Petra wants Cat to be social sometimes. Cat says she's just trying to survive. It's not like they're on a deserted island with only the clothes on their backs or something. They get free room and board, and their meals are made for them. How is survival so difficult? Petra says that she tries to be in a good mood and have a sense of humor to make things easier. Cat says she's trying to be herself and act. Petra says that sometimes you have to get over it and grow up. Actually, that's a good point, Petra. Cat heaves a sigh and allegedly says, "I so don't like you," but the video was so grainy that who knows what she really said. You know, if this show were actually well put-together and interesting, I wouldn't spend so much time trying to figure out what's really going on, and what people are really saying. But since it sucks and is boring, I pretty much doubt everything that we are shown.
By Kim
Anique and David return to their hotel. David voice-overs that they were flirting and getting closer. David invites Anique back to his room. They lie down on the couch together. They're wearing slippers with little faces on them, which is kind of creepy. Anique voice-overs that she was flirting to show that she likes David. As opposed to flirting to show that she hates him? Anique says that they have "electrisical [sic] chemistry," but given that English isn't her first language, I can't really make fun of that. (I miss Melissa M. from last season.) Anique voice-overs that David kissed her. David walks to the door and tells the camera crew that he's a gentleman, so he needs some privacy. Of course, I speculate that he just said that because he's going to sleep. The editors pipe in some sounds of Anique giggling, and then some kissing sounds, and then Anique says, "Let's marry, and then we do this every day." She was probably talking about helicopter rides. The morning, David and Anique get ready to return home. Anique interviews that she's nervous about David going on dates with the other women. David voice-overs that he likes Anique, but that he thinks that she's impressed by money. Well, who isn't? I hate this show. It seems like the premise is that you can't possibly love someone and enjoy the fact that they are wealthy. Is Anique supposed to refuse to go on these extravagant dates or something?
Paul tells Petra that she's leaving at noon. Petra voice-overs that she's excited about her date, and that she hopes David is not too tired. Petra arrives at an airstrip. David gets out of a plane and greets her. David voice-overs that he likes Petra's style, and her hair, and that he thinks "she's a babe." Petra interviews that it's nice to go on a private jet, and that she didn't know where they were going, but then she saw islands and knew that they were going to Sardinia. David and Petra check into their hotel and look at the rooms. Petra interviews that she had the most beautiful bathroom every. Man, that is one ugly bathroom. It's tiled from floor to ceiling with about ten different colored tiles. It looks like someone killed and mounted a hundred harlequins on the walls. David interviews that he and Petra had a penthouse suite, that there was a pool on the roof that overlooked the bay, and that billionaires stay there. David emphasizes, "Not millionaires, billionaires!" So why is David there? Petra utters the phrase "fairy tale," so she is dead to me.
By Kim
David and Petra take a picnic down to the beach, but they have to walk down a hill to get there. Petra voice-overs that she had cheap flip-flops on, but that David had some expensive ones, and he kept falling down. David interviews that he hated his slippers. Slippers? Why is he wearing slippers to the beach anyway? I think if you're wearing slippers or flip-flops and trying to climb down a hill, you deserve to fall. That's like complaining because your hiking boots don't match your evening gown. Also, why not just go barefoot? They're walking in sand. They spend, like, ten more minutes on the shoe issue, and we don't even get rewarded with a shot of David falling on his ass, which was bullshit. Petra and David get to the beach and go swimming. Petra has a surprisingly boyish body in that it's straight up and down. Petra interviews the fractured English equivalent of "You can take the boy off the ranch, but you can't take the ranch out of the boy," and adds that she likes it. Because David wore expensive shoes that were slippery? Is that something people on ranches do? Petra and David pack up their things and head back up to the hotel.
That night, David and Petra go out to dinner. Petra says grace. Hey, remember when David used to say grace? And some women were all offended? And then they totally dropped that storyline? Petra makes a toast. David interviews that Petra is really happy, and that they had a good time together. Petra says that they have to drink the whole bottle of wine. David toasts to an evening with Petra, and says he's been looking forward to it. Petra thanks David for taking her to Sardinia. Petra gives David three kisses on his cheeks, and then a small one on the lips. David voice-overs that Petra "knows how to hit all the right buttons and make someone happy." Was that supposed to be a double entendre? Because that was the most chaste kiss ever. If they want us to think that David and Petra did it, they need to show some tongue or something.
Back at the villa, Cat gets ready for her date by brushing her hair and packing some clothes. She voice-overs that she's not looking forward to their date, and that she wishes she could just hang out at the villa with the other women. Just kidding. I thought I'd mix it up a little bit. She really said the same blah blah blah that all the other women said. David greets Cat on the tarmac, and they get onto the jet. David interviews that he really thinks Cat likes him, not his money. Cat voice-overs that she and David have chemistry, and that she feels more like his girlfriend every day.
By Kim
David voice-overs that they flew to Naples and then took a boat to Capri. Cat interviews that the island was beautiful. Cat and David get into a convertible and are driven to their hotel. David voice-overs that it was a romantic setting, and that he's never seen water so blue. They arrive at the hotel, and David proclaims that their room was "perfect." Cat interviews that it was like they were on a beautiful honeymoon. Cat and David have dinner on the balcony and watch the sun set. Cat voice-overs that it was a wonderful setting, and very romantic. Cat pours David another glass of wine, and he wonders if she's trying to get him "wasted." She laughs and says no.
David asks Cat what her plans are. Cat says she wants to go into the music business, but that she doesn't want to stay in Berlin. A cymbal crashes and David looks at her sharply. What? She doesn't want to stay in Berlin? That's shocking! David interviews that he doesn't think Cat is in it for the money, but that it's always in the back of his mind. What does his money have to do with Cat's staying in Berlin? It's not like she said "I want to meet a rich American and marry him, just to get me out of Berlin." Cat feeds David some tiramisu. David voice-overs that he could see himself spending a lot of time with Cat. David asks if she wants to go back to the room, and Cat suggests that they bring the wine with them.
Back at the villa, Petra asks every detail about Anique's date. Petra interviews that they want to know all the details of the dates. Anique sets up a little reenactment of her helicopter ride, and uses butter knives as the propeller. Petra interviews that Anique said David was romantic. Petra says that they used to joke that David didn't make a move on anyone, but now he's attacking. Anique says that the more money David has, the sexier he is. Okay, that statement could mean that she's only in it for the money, but that's the first thing she's said like that.
David and Cat take a bubble bath together. In the opening shot, you can clearly see that Cat has a bikini on, so I assume that David has one on, too. (A bathing suit, not a bikini. Although it would be hilarious if David had a bikini on too. Again, just trying to amuse myself with my alternate-reality show.) They cuddle up in the tub. Cat interviews that they had a lot of fun in the tub. David and Cat start kissing. It seems like that would be very soapy, since the bubbles are all over their faces.
Instead of actually following up on a romantic situation, suddenly we're back at David's house. Paul welcomes David home, and says that he's arranged for David to go out to the ranch for a couple of days, "just [David] and Hurricane." Hurricane's like, "I'd rather hang out with one of the women! Get Cat out here! I love bubble baths! Neigh!" Paul says it will be a chance for David to "recharge [his] batteries." I'm not even going to touch that one.
By Kim
David rides Hurricane through some woods. Hurricane! We've missed you, baby! David interviews that he's tired from his jet-setting lifestyle, and that he just wants to ride his horse. Hurricane is like, "I belong to no man! Neigh!" Paul voice-overs that David doesn't know that someone besides Hurricane will be waiting for him. I wonder who it could be?
Linda arrives at an airport. She voice-overs that, when she left the show, she had time to think about how she felt, and two hours before the flight, she realized that she wanted to tell him how he made her feel, and that he opened her heart, and that she hoped to go immediately from the airport to see him. Notice that throughout this interview, Linda never uses David's name. She could be talking about a boyfriend from home, as alleged by one of our forum posters.
David and Hurricane return to the house. David clicks his tongue, and Hurricane is like, "Don't rush me, bitch! Neigh!" Linda sneaks up behind them. David tells Hurricane that he doesn't want him to run off, and that he doesn't trust him yet. Hurricane is like, "Damn straight, I might run off. I'll run over to the villa where my bitches live!" David ties Hurricane to a tree and Hurricane is like, "Could you give me a minute to eat some grass! I'm starving!" As the camera follows Linda around, we get a shot of David's crotch, and it totally looks like he has a boner. I called my husband in for an emergency man consultation. He tried to make excuses for David in some sort of male solidarity, like, "Denim's a very stiff material and it could just be bunched up." After I protested, he said, "Maybe he just really likes his horse." That's what I'm saying.
Linda finally gets in David's eyeline and says hello. David grins and they hug. A lot of people in the forums who know about horses (unlike me) pointed out that David and Linda are standing right behind Hurricane, which is a good way to get kicked. That would've been awesome. You'd think David would be more surprised to see Linda. It's almost like he knew this was going to happen. David pretends to be really shocked. Linda interviews that she was nervous to see David, and that she thought he might still like her, but that she didn't know for sure, and that he has no idea what she's been going through. Linda interviews that, after the elimination, she couldn't sleep, and she would wake up in a panic that she made the wrong decision and had ruined her life. Linda tells David that she was under a lot of stress and wasn't used to all the attention. David says that he didn't want her to go. Linda interviews that she feels bad that she didn't get to explain it to him. Linda tells David that the other women teased her because David paid so much attention to her. Linda interviews that she should be stronger, and that she thinks it's due to her childhood. When did this become an episode of Dr. Phil? Actually, I would love to see Dr. Phil take on these losers. David and Linda sit and talk, and Hurricane whinnies in the distance. David suggests that they ride Hurricane, and Linda agrees. David helps Linda onto Hurricane's back. David climbs on too, and Hurricane is like, "What am I, Governor Schwarzenegger? One at a time! Neigh!" Linda interviews that she's looking for a man who will support her and help her get through life. David voice-overs that he's glad Linda came back, because it put some things to rest for him. The captioning continues (but David doesn't say) that he's happy with the three women he already has at the villa. Interesting. Why did they cut that out?
By Kim
Paul and David have a little chat. Paul asks if it was worth going back to the ranch. David says that Linda came back. Paul says they were also surprised when Linda said she wanted to come back, and he asks if it's something David wants too. David isn't sure. Paul reminds David that if Linda does come back to the villa, David will have to eliminate one to make a spot for her. Paul thinks this will be the most difficult elimination yet. So David could choose not to eliminate anyone, and Linda would just go home?
The women gather on the porch. Petra voice-overs that it will be hard for David to decide who will leave. She interviews that she believes in destiny, and that if it's her time to go, it's her time to go. Paul tells David that there's only one more elimination to go. Anique rubs her arms like she's cold, and Cat tells her to relax. Anique's not stressed. She's cold! That made no sense. Paul reads David's choices. David asks Paul what he thinks, and Paul says he thinks he can remember it. Anique tries to open another bottle of wine, and asks how to use the corkscrew. Cat asks if Anique is really a waitress. Anique says that they have different ones, and that she used to be a waitress, but that she's not now. David voice-overs that Petra has a great personality and could make a guy happy forever. David asks Paul if it's what he expected, and Paul only says that it's an interesting choice. The women hear a noise, and Petra jokes that it's Casper. I guess she means it's a ghost. Anique asks Cat how to say "ghost" in German. David voice-overs that Cat would be a great lover, and that he's comfortable with her. "Would be"? Like he doesn't already know. Anique says "the little mermaid" in Dutch, and then laughs that their language is so ugly. David voice-overs that a guy could want to spend his whole life with Anique, and that she's a mystery. Petra says that she likes all the expressions in Dutch. Cat says that they have just as many in English. David voice-overs that he thinks Cat likes him, but that she also might see him as a way out of Germany. The women toast, and then Petra says that Dutch girls are too hot to handle. Cat says that's nice, and Petra says that it's not nice. What? That made no sense. I don't know why I expect anything on this show to make sense anymore. Anique says she'd like some heat, and Petra tells her to ask David. They all laugh. Filler footage of David with each of the three women, and then footage of Linda's return. Good thing they flashed back to that, since it happened all of ten minutes ago. What is this, an episode for people who have short-term memory loss? We'll call it Joe Memento.
By Kim
Samantha finally walks out on the porch and announces that David is going to eliminate one woman tonight. The remaining two will get an aquamarine necklace. That's all Samantha has to say. She is really useless. Anique doesn't know what aquamarine is, and Petra says she thought it had something to do with a boat. Everyone laughs.
David and Paul join the women on the porch. David makes his usual speech about how grateful he is for the experience. Paul calls Cat's name first. There's no voice-over while she gets her necklace. Paul calls Petra's name second. David starts to apologize to Anique, but she says it's fine and gives him a hug. David doesn't know what to say, but promises that he might call her for a helicopter ride in the future. Anique says she'll join him. David says good night, and apologizes again to Anique, saying that it's his loss. The women all hug Anique. They sit and have another drink. Anique says she's wondering who will be the last one. Paul arrives to take Anique away. Petra kisses Anique's cheeks and says she's glad they met. Cat just sits there like a bump on a log. Anique packs her things. Anique voice-overs that she felt insulted, adding that she spent thirty-six hours with David, and that she really didn't expect to be eliminated. Petra and Cat are left sitting there alone. Cat says that Petra will have to move into her room.
Paul tells us that Linda has returned to further complicate David's love life. Paul wonders if Linda was brought back by love or money, and also how Cat and Petra will react when Linda rejoins them. Paul promises "new mystery and intrigue." New mystery and intrigue? That kind of implies that there has been any mystery thus far. Well, I guess there's the mystery of how anyone could find David remotely attractive after talking to him for ten minutes, the mystery of why David would agree to go on this show in the first place, and the mystery of why anyone is still watching at this point.
The morning, Cat and Petra sit down to breakfast and promptly fall into silence. Cat interviews that it felt strange, because all the others were missing. Petra interviews that if Cat is in a bad mood, everybody has to know it. Flashback to everyone telling Cat she's rude. You know, these are the same women who allegedly convinced Linda that she should leave, so I don't know that I give a lot of credence to their views. Petra interviews that, now that she's the only one left, she's a victim. Cat interviews that she has had some conflicts with Petra, and that she thinks Petra doesn't like her. Petra interviews that Cat sees this as a game, and Petra wants to distance herself from that. But...it is a game, right? I mean, it's not like they are both going after the same guy in normal, untelevised life. Petra digs through her purse for, like, twenty minutes. Paul walks in and asks the women to accompany him to the grand salon so that Samantha can make an announcement.
By Kim
The women walk into the salon and sit down. At some point while walking from one room to the other, Petra put on a cowboy hat for no reason. Petra voice-overs that they didn't know what to expect. Samantha walks in and greets the women. Then she totally lies and says that last night's elimination was different, because they told David he had to eliminate one woman, but also choose one of the previously eliminated women to come back. Cat flinches. That is such horseshit. I don't know why they couldn't have actually had David make that choice, and if he didn't choose Linda, then Linda would be sent packing. Samantha says that the chosen woman agreed to come back, and that they will be meeting up with her in Venice tonight. Samantha walks out, and Petra and Cat exchange a look like, "Guh?"
Cat interviews that no one expected a girl to come back, and that it's kind of frustrating. Petra interviews that she was expecting anything but that, and she wonders who it will be. Petra says that it's going to be Giada, because David liked her. Petra then says that it's not Olinda, but maybe it's Anique. Cat sits silently through Petra's guessing. Petra says she likes that someone is coming back. Petra says that she didn't expect this. Cat bitchily says that she didn't either. Cat interviews that speculation is stupid, and that she doesn't like to play those kinds of games. Petra says that it might be Linda. Cat doesn't think so, because Linda asked to leave. Petra thinks that Linda has been "desperate in love for David." Petra asks Cat why she's upset about it, and Cat denies that she is. Petra interviews that Cat might be jealous. They leave to get ready for Venice. Cat interviews that she and David have chemistry, and that she was the first girl he kissed, so she's confident that she and David have a special bond.
Petra and Cat get in a car and head to Venice. Petra interviews that she's never been to Venice, and that it was so beautiful. I'm officially jealous. Petra interviews that they took a boat to the hotel, and that Paul met them there. Paul helps the women out of the boat. Cat and Petra exclaim over the beauty of the hotel. Petra interviews that she's already used to this lifestyle. Petra asks Paul who the girl is to "invade [their] life."
Linda walks into her own room. She interviews that the other girls are probably wondering why she's back, and that she didn't want to miss out on a chance to meet a special person, but that she also doesn't want to hurt anybody. Petra and Cat sit in a lobby. Petra interviews that they knew something was about to happen. A door opens, and the women turn to see who it is, and then we go to commercial. Wow, the suspense. I wonder who will come through the door. The editors totally screwed up this storyline. They should have made Linda's appearance a mystery to the audience, and then once she showed up, flashback and reveal how and why she returned. Or, they could have actually had David choose a woman to return, which might have been Linda, or might have been someone else. At least that would have been sort of interesting.
By Kim
The door opens, and Linda walks in. Petra and Cat hug her and squeal with delight. Cat interviews that it was a big surprise that David chose Linda, and that Linda had "her own reasons to go." Did she? Cat tells Linda that she wanted to go, and Petra adds that they never thought Linda would want to return. Linda says that she had a long time to make the decision. Petra asks why she decided to return. Linda says she was sad. Petra asks if it was to see the women, to see David, or to see Venice. She says it like she's joking around, but you know she's serious. Linda interviews that she doesn't feel comfortable "discussing what's going on between us." "Us"? She still hasn't said David's name when talking about her relationship. Linda says that she wanted to come back for the adventure. Cat interviews that she doesn't think Linda came back because of her feelings. She thinks Linda came back for the excitement. I think by "excitement," she means "cameras." Linda asks what she missed. Petra tells about her date in Sardinia. Linda interviews that she thought she might be interrupting the girls' feelings for David, and she wonders what David will do. Cat talks about her date in Capri. Linda says she missed the best part. Cat interviews that Linda missed "the whole journey." No! You can't call it a "journey." Unacceptable.
The women sit down. Cat talks about her trip to the sauna. Linda asks if they were naked, and Cat says they kind of were. Petra asks what Linda will say to David. Linda says that David already knows she's there. Petra asks how she thinks David will react, and Linda lies that she hopes it will be positive. Linda interviews that it makes her nervous that the women don't know she stayed with David at the ranch. How long were they at the ranch, anyway? Linda ties on a mask. Paul shows up with a dress and says that David bought it for Petra for their date. Petra leaves to prepare for the date. Linda interviews that while she was gone, something might have happened between David and the other girls, and now she wants to let the story develop and let David decide.
Petra walks down to the lobby for her date. She interviews that she is sort of a princess, and that she thinks David might be a good prince. Petra and David kiss hello. David interviews that every time he's around Petra, he's in a good mood. David interviews that he's taking Petra on a moonlight cruise to have dinner under the stars. He adds that he's nervous about how the others will react to Linda's return, and that they might think it's "jacked up," because he had their confidence and trust. David concludes that he'll have to kiss a lot of butt to keep the women happy.
By Kim
David pours some champagne and tells Petra that he's excited to be with her, and that he's thought there was something about her since the first day. Petra interviews that David was really open and honest, and that it was sweet.
Back at the hotel, Linda and Cat hang out on the bed. Cat starts speaking in German, and it's translated in subtitles, but I kind of wish I knew German, because I don't believe their translation. Cat tells Linda that it's a secret, but David already "tried it" on their date. "It"? Linda looks disturbed. Cat says that she was the first one David kissed. Linda interviews that she was jealous that David was the first to make a move. Cat tells Linda that it's a game, and that Linda has to decide if she wants to try. Linda interviews that she started doubting David's feelings for her, and that she wondered if she was just "the in the row." Linda adds that kissing or holding hands is intimate for her, but that maybe it's not as special for David.
Petra and David have dinner. Petra makes a toast to "a cowboy in Venice." I have never seen as many toasts as I have on this show. David interviews that he thinks Petra knows he's trying to be someone he's not, and that he's a cowboy and plans to go back to the rodeo. David pulls out a bunch of gifts for Petra. They're bracelets, because Petra likes to wear a lot of bracelets. Petra protests that it's too much. Petra interviews that she likes simple gifts. David fastens the bracelets and Petra thanks him. David interviews that Petra likes "that weird stuff," and that she put the bracelets on at dinner. Why are bracelets weird? David and Petra hear music playing, and an opera singer walks out and starts singing. Petra interviews that it was really romantic. I'm sure she's a good singer and all, but I really didn't need to see the whole aria. David interviews that he had feelings for Petra at one point. Petra interviews that she was thinking David was pretty hot, and David interviews that Petra is out of this world. Cut to David and Petra making out. Petra interviews that, after such a date, it was nice to kiss. David and Petra return to the hotel. Petra interviews that it's a cliché for a man to walk a woman to her room, so she decided to walk David to his room instead. They walk out on the balcony. Petra interviews that she knew David wanted to kiss her, and then starts cracking up, implying that something more happened.
The morning, David walks around his hotel room with no shirt on. He voice-overs that he's having breakfast with Linda, and that he's excited to spend time with her, but that he also has two other women to think about. David interviews that he lost time with Linda and put a halt to his feelings. Linda gets ready for her date. Linda interviews that she was happy to return, and that she knew she had to meet David again.
By Kim
David meets Linda in the lobby. Linda interviews that she was excited to see if David still had "a sparkle in his eyes." David Eddie Haskells that he wanted to start his morning off right, so he knew he had to see Linda first. Linda interviews that she wanted to see what David's body language would tell her, and that it told her that she still had a chance. As they walk along, David twirls around and kind of does the moonwalk. That sure is interesting body language.
David shows Linda to their outdoor table. David says that he can't stress enough how happy he is that she came back. Linda says that she had a great time at the ranch, and that it was such an extraordinary experience for her. David shovels in the food and barely listens. Linda didn't think she would have the chance to meet a nice person. David tells her that it was hard to let her go, because she stood out among all the girls. Linda says that she's blushing. After they finish eating, they take a walk. Linda interview that it was kind of chilly, so David took her hand. He warmed her up by holding her hand? Linda says the date was more than she expected, and she believes in destiny, and that they were supposed to meet again. David interviews that he thinks Linda has a great heart. Linda interviews that her heart is full of love, and that she is ready to give it to him. "Him"? Not "David"? David pulls out a cell phone/camera and takes a picture of Linda by the water. They check out the picture, and it looks like a big pole is growing out of Linda's head. Nice photography. Then they pretend they sent the photo to Paul, which is lame.
David and Linda continue walking. Linda laughs that she has to give David a hard time. Linda interviews that she didn't want to tell David that she knows he's been kissing other women, because he could do whatever he wanted to since he thought he would never see her again. Linda says that she heard rumors about the other women, but doesn't come right out and say what she heard. David interviews that if Linda knew he was going around kissing everyone, she might think David was "unsincere" [sic]. Linda says it must have been difficult while she was gone, and that David was trying to establish new relationships. David interviews that when you date fourteen girls, you're going to kiss. Sure! Just ask Bob. David interviews that they got to the Bridge of Sighs, and he knew he had to make a move. David leans in for a kiss, and Linda waits until he's right near her mouth and then pulls back. Whoa. That was harsh. David interviews that he thought it meant she didn't like him. David apologizes and Linda giggles. Linda interviews that she wanted David to know that it won't work if she's just "the one in the row." So instead of explaining it to him, she just giggles like a fool. David says he doesn't want to make her feel odd, and suggests that they go. David interviews that he doesn't know what's going on. Linda kind of sucks.
By Kim
Cat gets ready for her date. She interviews that she and David "fit together" and have the same feelings, and that it's different with her than it is with the other girls. Because she puts out. David greets Cat in the lobby. David interviews that Cat is amazing, and that they always grow closer. David takes Cat on a gondola ride. Cat asks when he brought Linda back. David says it was after Anique was eliminated, and then changes the subject. Cat interviews that David tried to say that bringing Linda back wasn't his decision, but Cat said that he didn't have to make excuses because she wasn't jealous. David opens some champagne. Cat interviews that she knows David much better than Linda does. Cat and David make a toast, of course. David interviews that Linda missed a lot, and that he can't just throw away what he and Cat have built. David explains that he bought Cat a present. It's a belt, made out of chain link. Cat says she likes it. David interviews that he loves giving the women gifts. David explains that the belt is real, but that he doesn't know what it's made of. David interviews that he bought a $1000 chain belt, which is a lot of money. But he doesn't want the women to like him for his money.
Meanwhile, Paul pays Linda a visit. Paul says that David asked him to deliver some gifts. Linda opens the bags and pulls out two black purses. Linda interviews that she never got such a beautiful gift in his life. And then comes the only point in this episode where I laughed out loud. The note David put with the gifts reads, "Linda, Hope that you enjoy the purses! C-ya soon! [Heart] David." And he also dotted the "i" in "Linda" with a heart. Awesome! Linda interviews that David is a gentleman and wants to make her happy, which he did.
Cat and David are still on the gondola. Cat voice-overs that David put his hand on her knee, and that it felt nice to have "this kind of body contact." David interviews that he and Cat almost have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, and that he feels comfortable with her. He thinks she could make a guy happy forever. Didn't he say the same about Petra? Where in the hell is Petra, anyway? I don't think we've seen her since her date. Cat interviews that the chemistry is different now, because David was a stranger before and that she never expected him to be like this. David interviews that he doesn't know if it's love, but that it's something different. Cat voice-overs that she thinks it's possible to fall in love there. David says that Cat has made him nothing but happy. Cat interviews that David told her many times that he loves to spend time with her, and that she was glad to hear it. David helps Cat out of the gondola. Cat interviews that it's fun to be with David and talk. She adds that, after the date, they went up to his room. David interviews that Cat is "gorgeous, sexual, romantic, very, very loving," and that he thinks she would do anything for a guy. I think that's code for "She gave me a blowjob on our last date." David says that he has to go to the bathroom, and tells Cat to stay put. Cat interviews that she wants to be the last one there, and that she will do anything to stay. Cat sits on the bed and lights a cigarette and then follows David into the bathroom. Um, he's probably peeing! Ew!
By Kim
Linda writes David a thank-you note for the purses. She interviews that she bought David a little ceramic angel, so she brought it for him. Linda interviews that David has helped her to show the love she has in her heart, and that she hopes he's being honest with her, and would tell her if he didn't want her to stay, or that she interfered with his relationship.
Cat and David have emerged from the bathroom, thank God. David gives Cat a rose and walks her to her room. They hug. Meanwhile, Linda hears them out in the hallway and opens the door. She sees David and Cat kissing and slams the door. Sly! David interviews that he hopes Linda didn't see him kissing Cat, because that's not what he wanted to happen. Cat interviews that she thinks Linda saw them. Linda sits in her room and says that, after everything she's told David, and the way she's opened her heart, she was surprised that he is still trying for another woman. Cat comes into Linda's room and shows off the belt David bought her. Cat interviews that Linda is always interested in the details of her date, and that she didn't seem to be surprised that there was something going on. Linda interviews that she is a little jealous, and that she's sure David likes Cat, but that she thought his feelings for her were unique. Linda worries that something might be happening between David and Cat. So let me get this straight: she really thought that, once she was eliminated, David should just avoid developing any feelings for any other women? Shut up, Linda. But the important question is, did Linda ever give that angel to David?
Samantha greets the women while they eat breakfast. She announces that there will be another elimination tonight at the villa, and that Paul will let them know when it's time to leave. David stands by the water and voice-overs that he's had a headache for a week and has no appetite due to stress. He says that all of the women are amazing, but that he has to choose one. He likes Cat, and says she's romantic and loving. He thinks Petra is awesome and fun. He adds that he's not even with Linda, but that he feels like he did something wrong with Cat, and like he betrayed Cat by bringing Linda back.
The women decide to play Truth Or Dare. Petra asks Linda if she finds David attractive. Linda says she does. The women want to know if she's physically attracted to him. Linda doesn't answer. Cat tells her just to say his body is hot. Linda says she hasn't seen David's body yet. Cat says that she has. Flashback to Cat and David making out in the bubble bath.
By Kim
Meanwhile, David is throwing a temper tantrum in his hotel room. He tells some unidentified crew member that he's having a hard time.
Linda pulls the petals off a flower and says, "He loves me. He loves Cat. He loves Petra." David whines some more about how hard his decision is.
David swears and swears and swears some more, and then starts crying.
Petra asks Cat if she has true feelings for David, and, if so, what kind.
David cries that he doesn't want to tell the women that he doesn't have any money. He sobs, "I'm broke, man! I mean, I have twenty bucks!" Hee. That doesn't even merit an exclamation point, because it wasn't that funny.
The women return to the villa. That night, they sit on the porch and wait. Cat interviews that David said he had the most fun on his dates with her, but that she knows he might be telling the same thing to the other girls. Petra interviews that David said she was his favorite, and that she believes it. Samantha walks out and says that David will present two of them with diamond bracelets, and that one will be eliminated. Samantha leaves. Linda voice-overs that she knows how Cat feels about David, but that she doesn't know how David feels about Cat. Cat voice-overs that she would never say she wouldn't be eliminated, because she's not sure. David voice-overs that it's a roller coaster of emotions.
The women line up. David and Paul walk out. David says that he realized a lot on his dates, and babbles about nature and how you can't buy its beauty. I don't think he even knows what he's talking about. David says that he hates this decision, and tells Paul to go ahead. After about ten minutes of filler, Paul calls Linda's name. David puts the bracelet on her wrist. Then there's ten more minutes of everyone looking pensive, and Paul calls Cat's name. Wow, what a surprise, especially since Petra was barely in this episode. David tells Petra that he had a wonderful time with her, and that she always cheered him up. He wishes he were more like her. They do the cheek-kiss thing, and David takes off.
Petra kisses the other women goodbye. Cat interviews that she feels better now that Petra is gone. Petra interviews that she was a little surprised, because she thought David knew her and Cat better than Linda. David sits with his head in his hand. Petra interviews that she learned to trust her instincts, and to be fair and honest. David voice-overs that he never knew he'd be this twisted inside, and now he doesn't know how to choose between Linda and Cat. Linda admires her bracelet and asks if they are real diamonds. Gold-digger!