By Kim
Monday. I really love when they use exactly the same opening segment, because then instead of trying to think of something else funny to say about it, I can just link it.
Paul welcomes us back. Wouldn't it be funny if, as the series went on, Paul got more and more drunk and drunk in these opening and closing segments? So that by the end, he was just like, "This show sucks! Do you know I barely got paid for the first season? I made this show what it is! I -- bleargh!" (That last part was him throwing up all over.) Paul says that David "just survived an encounter" with the ladies, and that while it looked "rather dodgy," David's charm won out. Well, really it was Hurricane's charm. Paul says that tonight David will be facing "a more formidable task" when he hosts the ladies at a ball. And they haven't bothered to tell the ladies that some of them will be eliminated at the end of the night. Nice. I would love to know what the women were told this show was about in order to get them to agree.
We start up where the last episode left off, with David riding off on his horse and the women giggling. Karolina asks what the horse's name was. Hurricane whinnies back, "It's Hurricane, bee-yotch! Neigh!" Petra interviews, "Then he came on his horse, and it was really exciting." Normally I'm not one to make fun of malapropisms by non-native English speakers, but come on. That's hilarious. Because David really, really loves that horse. It's also funny because most of the women pronounce the word "horse" like "whores." So that's an extra added dimension of puerile humor. I enjoy that a great deal. Lina says she feels sorry for David because he's so shy. Alessia's fan is going a mile a minute. You know, someone told me that the energy you expend by waving a fan around cancels out any cooling action you might get from a breeze. I don't know if that's true, but the way Alessia is fanning, she has got to be breaking a sweat. David grinningly interviews that as he got closer, the women got better-looking, and he thought he was at the Playboy mansion. When he says "Playboy," the camera focuses on Lina's crotch. Classy. Johanna interviews that she liked what she saw, and that David was "quite handsome." Linda interviews that David seemed nice, and he had nice teeth. Linda has nice teeth, too. They would have very toothy children.
David interviews that after meeting the ladies, it "jumped up another notch." He thinks that there are plenty of beautiful women in America, but that these women are "exotic." I have to say that fully half of these women look like they could be American to me, so I don't really get that. David interviews that the "tall girl in the center" stuck out to him. I guess he was talking about Lina, since that's whom they focus in on. Lina interviews that it's very cool that David is a cowboy, because it's "a bit more fun." Cat interviews that she never met a cowboy before. Hey, I live in America and I've never met a cowboy before. Jerusha interviews that David "looked like the Marlboro Man." He's not nearly rugged or cancer-ridden enough to be the Marlboro Man. Karolina says that normally in life, you don't have guys coming up to you on a horse. Hey, speak for yourself there, Czechie. Petra interviews that she is also originally from a farm, so she and David will have something to talk about. Linda interviews that she's interested to hear his life story. Anique asks the other women if they should start the catfight now, or wait until later. Hee! That just made me like her. Olinda says, "You got Texas, and then you got Rome." That is some wisdom for the ages. Who knew Texas and Rome were two separate places. Although there is a Paris in Texas. And there is a Rome in New York. Oh my God, I just turned into Olinda with the useless information for which no one asked.
By Kim
Tereza tells Paul that the women were all so crazy, and David seemed so calm and shy, so she thinks that they will eat him up. Paul warns them never to underestimate a cowboy. David takes Hurricane's saddle off, and Hurricane is like, "Whew! That thing was killing me. Could you not buckle it so tight time? I kind of overdid it with the hay last night. Also, neigh." David says that the women are in for a big surprise, because they think all that stuff belongs to him. Wait, so he's not really a millionaire? And the women don't know? You'd think they would have mentioned that before! I feel so abused.
Two hours before the ball. One woman straightens her hair with a blow dryer. Someone uses an eyeshadow brush to dab something on Alessia's forehead. What in the hell was going on there? It was too small a brush to be bronzer or something, not that she needs it. Was it concealer? Or were they putting eyeshadow on her forehead? Mystery. The women run around, getting ready. Karolina uses tweezers to pluck her eyelashes. The hell? Who plucks their eyelashes? European women are weird. Karolina interviews that David invited them for a ball. Some random woman (not one of the contestants) puts a ton of eyeshadow on Linda. Who is that makeup woman? They get makeup artists? Linda interviews that she's looking forward to wearing a beautiful dress. Then she might want to change, because the one she has on is fugly. Petra interviews that she's looking forward to the ball tonight, because it's sort of "a fairy tale." No! No more "fairy tale" talk! We had enough of that last season.
Yassamin asks which shoes she should wear. Anique tries to help her decide. Yassamin stands on a chair and lifts up one foot, Karate Kid-style, to try to see how the shoes look. Anique interviews that she thinks it's possible to find love, and that she's excited to meet David. Olinda gets her hair done. I think they have a professional hair person there too. What's up with that? Olinda interviews that she got "a really classy dress by a really nice designer, an English designer." Wait, did they have to compete for dresses like last year? And if so, why didn't they show that? And if not, why didn't they do that again? That was one of my favorite segments last year. Giada interviews that she's nervous because she doesn't know how to waltz. I'm going to guess that David doesn't either.
Lina tells Giada that her dress looks nice. Johanna interviews, "She looks horrible in that dress." Of course, we have no idea whom Johanna was actually talking about. Kat has got cleavage for days. Anique stands there while the makeup artist tries to cover up the tan lines on her chest and shoulders. Anique interviews that everyone said her dress looked good. Yassamin says that she loves Anique's dress. Olinda interviews, "If poison green isn't your favorite color and your nipples are showing, you might want to considering [sic] another dress." Meow! Although I think she was talking about Anique's attitude more than how Anique's dress actually looked. Anique interviews that she was having fun with the girls, but that she was nervous because she didn't know what was going to happen. Jerusha interviews that she's nervous, because it's the first time she will talk to David. So do you think the women are nervous? Alessia, with her bindi, interviews that she wants marriage because it's one of the most important things in life. I guess feminism hasn't made its way to her part of Italy yet. Karolina interviews that David must be nervous. Anyone else nervous? I'm kind of nervous just from all the talk about being nervous.
David gets ready with Paul's help. Heh. Another shot of David putting on a shirt. I'm sure the producers were like, "No, we need to get a shot of you actually putting the shirt on. Otherwise, people won't understand why you were wearing a button-down the last time they saw you, and now you are in a tux. People are easily confused by clothing changes. Yeah, that's it. Button it up nice and slow, baby." Also, I can't believe David doesn't wear an undershirt under his tux. Actually, I'll bet Paul suggested that he wear one, and the producers were like, "No! Undershirts are...um...not acceptable in Europe. Or among millionaires. The women will know immediately! The jig will be up!" David interviews that a first impression says a lot, and that you want to make a good one. If David and Olinda teamed up, think of the philosophy they could write. Paul helps David with his cufflinks, and explains that they are from Tiffany's. David hasn't heard of Tiffany's. David interviews that you have to make yourself look like a million bucks. Here's an idea -- try shaving. He's got like two days' growth going on. Somehow the producers convinced David to put his cufflinks in before he buttoned up his shirt, so that they could sneak in a few more shots of his abs. Some woman helps David put on his jacket. David voice-overs that he doesn't want to come off as "some cocky guy that thinks he could have every girl." Dis on Evan Marriott? Paul and David argue over who should go through the door first. David's not going to wear a tie with his tux? That's horseshit.
By Kim
Paul and David walk out onto the porch, which I guess is serving as the ballroom. David voice-overs (or rather reads from the paper the producers handed him) and says that he's nervous about the ball, but more nervous about how the girls will react when they find out about the elimination. Paul walks back into the house to fetch the ladies. David checks his breath and shoots his cuffs.
The Ball Begins. A classical trio plays as David waits. David voice-overs that when he was standing there with the candles and music, it hit him that everything he's done so far has been leading up to this moment. That is so sad. He also hopes that he can pull it off. That last sentence was so obviously written for him, and he delivered it in such a stilted manner.
Paul enters the room with Olinda on his arm. Olinda's dress is actually not bad. It's a beige number with rolled fabric straps and a handkerchief hem. She's got on way too much lip gloss, but it's Olinda, so that's to be expected. She's also got one of those bony chests that freak me out. I don't need to see anyone's sternum, thank you very much. She introduces herself to David, and he calls her "Wallenda." Hee! David asks what she does, and she explains that she's a fashion designer. David compliments her dress. Olinda confesses that she's nervous, and David says that he is too. David voice-overs that he thought it was cute and kind of attractive that she was nervous. He offers her some champagne, and she accepts a little too enthusiastically. Olinda voice-overs that David was a gentleman and really cute.
up is Linda, who is wearing a white knee-length sheath dress. It wouldn't be so bad, except that the top half has diamond cutouts. The panels over her boobs are solid white. The other panels are sheer. With polka dots. That thing is ugly. She's beautiful, and that dress does nothing for her. David interviews that he found Linda very attractive. Linda says she's from the Czech Republic and David summons up, "Prague, right?" I was totally kidding when I said he would use that knowledge! That's so funny. Linda says she was in Italy before, modeling. David says he can see that she was a model. Linda interviews that David did well for how nervous he was, and that he didn't seem shy to her.
Lina is the one out. She is pretty tall. She's got on a small heel, and she's almost David's height. She's about six inches taller than Paul. David asks if she's heard of Texas. She has, and unenthusiastically says, "Howdy. Yeah, sure." David gets all excited that she said "howdy." She repeats, "Howdy, cowboy." I wish that there were a punctuation mark that was like the opposite of an exclamation point so that I could accurately depict how completely unexcited she sounds. David offers her some champagne and she accepts. At one point, David says, "Yes, ma'am," and Lina kind of makes fun of him. David interviews that Lina was attractive but that he thinks she's out for money. Because she said "howdy"? Where did he get that from?
By Kim
Paul brings out Alessia, minus the fan. She's wearing a strapless dress and there is some sort of appliqué across the chest that makes her boobs look totally crooked. Like, one is about three inches lower than the other. Imagine Shannen Doherty's eyes, if they were boobs, and belonging to Alessia, and that's the effect. Alessia asks, "And where is the horse?" but because of her accent, it comes out, "And where is de whores?" David can't understand her. Or wondered why she was calling the other women whores. I'm not sure which. David apologizes for being from Texas. Hey, that works for me! Alessia interviews that she thinks David is sweet, nice, and polite. David leads Alessia off to the side and gets her some champagne. Olinda tells Alessia that her hands were shaking, and then she says, "Superstar." Is that a Mary Catherine Gallagher reference? And if so, why?
Karolina comes out . She's wearing a really low-cut V-neck dress with belt buckles on the straps. It's kind of a silver metallic material, and it doesn't fit her very well. Plus, belt buckles. She tells David that she's from Prague, and that she's going her Master's. David thinks that means she's smart. He obviously didn't meet some of the people in my Master's program. Including, at times, me. Karolina interviews that David is brave, because it would be a hard situation.
up is Giada. David can't quite get her name at first. She explains that she only lives thirty minutes away. David exclaims, not for the first time, "Perfect!" And that's it for Giada.
Paul brings Jerusha out . She says that she lives in Berlin. David remembers that is the capital of Germany, and Paul gives him a little thumbs-up-type gesture. David is all proud of himself, and Jerusha is totally thinking, "What a dork."
Johanna comes out . She's another tall one. David remembers that Berlin is the capital of Germany. Jerusha's like, "That was our thing! I can't believe he's doing our thing with Johanna!" Except really she's probably like, "Can I get some more champagne? It's going to be a long night."
The women are coming fast and furious now. Yassamin is the up. David thinks she has a pretty name. Yassamin interviews that David is really cute.
Tereza should sue the hair guy, because he gave her total '80 hair, and not in a good way. She's like Lea Thompson in Howard the Duck. Or maybe Sarah Jessica Parker in Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Her hair is all frizzed out and up in an off-center ponytail. Her dress is also, like, one size too small around the middle and it's creating fat rolls that I don't think she really has.
By Kim
Kristyna, of the bad chunky highlights, is . David comments to Paul that he must love his job. Kristyna and David discuss how great Paul is. Kristyna says she's from the Czech Republic. David interviews that he knew from watching TV "that the Czech chicks are, like, beautiful." When are there Czech women on TV? Did I miss that new show, C.S.I.: Prague?
Paul brings out Anique. David asks what she does in Holland, and she says she's a student. David says that he studies Kinesiology. Wait, he's in college? I thought he was in the rodeo full-time. Anique has no idea what Kinesiology is (and when David explains it, I discover that I didn't either). David says that it's muscular development and nutrition. Anique interviews that David was probably nervous to talk to all fourteen girls, but that he did it well.
David comments that Petra is a tall drink of water. David interviews that Petra had a beautiful smile. Petra explains that she's from Holland, and David says that's where they wear the wooden shoes. He points to his shoe, in case her grasp of English is limited. Or, because he's an idiot. David escorts her over to get champagne. Petra interviews that David is "a little bit shy," but that his accent was cute. If one more person says that David is shy or nervous, I don't know what.
Paul brings Cat out. Damn! Cat is fine. She's wearing a burgundy leather dress, which sounds trashy, but on her it's more like Sydney Bristow with bigger boobs. Cat interviews that her first impression was that David was good-looking. David takes her over and gets her some champagne. David notices that there aren't enough chairs, so he walks over and picks up a loveseat and carries it over his head like a caveman or something. He refuses help from the staff. Why didn't they have enough chairs? Didn't they know how many women were going to show up? I guess they thought the women wouldn't mind sitting in two groups, but instead they all wanted to sit together. Cat interviews that David was very polite to bring the chair over especially for her. David sets the seat down and makes sure Cat is okay with it, and then returns to his post by the door. The women chat amongst themselves. David watches them, and voice-overs that he just met fourteen women, which is overwhelming, but that so far he thinks he's doing okay.
David awkwardly motions for the women to gather around him. Alessia offers up a toast in Italian. We get a full-length shot of Alessia's dress, and it's even worse than I imagined. It has a banded top, which stops right at her hips, but her hips are the biggest part of her body (or at least her dress makes them look that way). Very unflattering. David asks what "saluté" means, and Olinda says that it means, "Cheers." Maybe Paul should have schooled David on how to give toasts in various languages. David tries to say "arrivederci," but it comes out as "ava dare chay." The other women announce how to say "cheers" in their native languages. David claims that in Texas, they say, "Get waaaaaaasted." The women try it out. Saying it, not getting wasted, although they have certainly been trying that out over the past few days as well.
By Kim
Lina interviews that they were all asking David a lot of questions. Someone asks if this is his first time in Europe. Alessia asks what he thinks of the fourteen beautiful women. Olinda asks if David keeps saying "Yes, ma'am" because he doesn't know their names yet. David says that he's "very southern-raised." Olinda says that "ma'am" makes her feel old. Petra asks what kind of music he likes. David likes country music, and the women say they figured that was the case. David interviews that the women were "swarming [him] with questions." Olinda (I think) asks where the horse is. David says he's sleeping. Olinda asks if it's his actual horse from America. David mumbles something, and suddenly all of the women are on him, trying to determine if Hurricane is from Texas or Italy. David says that Hurricane is his horse from Texas. David starts to explain that he didn't ride the horse over. Oh, really? I thought that's what the opening credits meant. David says that Hurricane "caught a plane over here." Hee! Now I'm picturing Hurricane sitting in First Class, pinching the flight attendant's ass and going, "Could I get some hay over here? Neigh!" David interviews that he couldn't believe he claimed he flew his horse over when he could've just said he got the horse in Italy. Petra asks if horses get jet-lagged. David laughs and says that Hurricane sleeps a lot. Back in the stables, Hurricane is like, "I just said I was tired so you would leave me the fuck alone for five minutes." David voice-overs that he doesn't know if the women believed him or not.
A trumpet flourish plays. Lina says that she'd like to be the first to dance with David. A waltz starts playing. The women gather in a circle like at your eighth-grade dance when that one kid would get in the middle and start breakdancing. And then that other kid would do the Dolphin. And then another kid would try to breakdance and fall down and you felt kind of bad for him, but he was kind of a dork, so not really. Anyway. Karolina interviews that she was sure David was nervous. I would like to ban the word "nervous" from the rest of this episode. We get it. David is nervous. The girls are nervous. The producers are nervous. FOX is nervous, now that they've seen the ratings for this show. I'm nervous that I won't be able to recap two episodes of this show in one week. Everyone is nervous. Got it. David dances with Petra. I don't know what kind of dance they are doing, but it involves a lot of walking around and looking at each other. It's kind of like the dance in Romeo and Juliet (the Zeffirelli film), without the tragic love angle. I hope. David dances with Linda . Linda interviews that David gave her "a nice look" so she wouldn't be stressed out. David dances with each woman in turn. David voice-overs that it's going to be hard to tell any of the women that she is eliminated. Olinda voice-overs that David was actually a decent dancer, and that she thinks he must be a romantic. David voice-overs, "You really caught all their personalities and wow, there are so many different personalities." Did he think they would all share a personality? Karolina voice-overs that she told him they were going to do a different move, so that it would be different than the other girls. It's not like they busted out with the Hustle or anything, so I'm not sure what was so different about it. Alessia hops out onto the dance floor with a flourish and swans about like my aunt at my cousin's wedding reception last month. Alessia calls David her husband and gives him a hug. The women all clap except for Johanna, who rolls her eyes. Heh.
By Kim
A close-up of a rose signifies that what is coming up will definitely not be a Rose Ceremony. Paul returns to the ball and says that he needs to steal David away. Kat interviews that everyone was wondering why David had to leave, and whether he would come back. Alessia yells and begs for one kiss for each woman. David wants to go back, but Paul warns him that is a bad idea. Alessia continues to yell after David about saying goodbye to his horse (or possibly his whores). David tells Paul that Alessia is nuts.
Paul and David go into a study. David says that it was "weird." He adds, "You just don't know in this amount of time, like, what." Paul says that's why it's difficult, and David should remember that the women don't know about the elimination. The women continue drinking and talking about David. Lina pulls Linda aside and asks how scary it was when David said he didn't have any neighbors except cows and horses. I think that sounds awesome, but Lina wonders plaintively if that means that there's no Starbucks and no shopping. Linda smiles tightly.
Samantha (the host, in case you forgot) joins the women on the porch. She says it's nice that they got to meet David and talk to him, but that there's going to be an elimination shortly. The women gasp and look around. Or they insert footage from other times when the women gasped and looked around, to make it seem like they were all really shocked and upset. Samantha explains that David is making his decision right now, and that eleven of them will get pearl necklaces. Heh. That never stops being funny to me. The three women who don't get necklaces will have to pack and leave that night. Only three! Didn't they eliminate, like, ten in the first round last year? ["I think they started with more." -- Wing Chun] The women are smiling and laughing. Cat voice-overs that she doesn't know what's going to happen, and that it's up to David. Giada is crying. Crying!
David tells Paul, "These women, they're...like the dancing, you know...they're very into elegant, into money, I think." They're into money because they like to dress up and dance? I don't think I understand that intellectual leap. Maybe because there wasn't much intellect involved there. Paul says that he once heard "a bloke" say that he got more handsome when he got richer. David wonders what will happen when they find out he has twenty bucks in his account. The women look around at each other some more. They're looking! Around! The music! Is dramatic! David! Is drinking water!
By Kim
Paul asks David if he can make a decision. David says it's going to be difficult because everyone is so nice, and he doesn't hate any of them. Yet. Paul offers to get David something, and David asks for a glass of water. Hey! That segment must have happened before the conversation we just saw about the twenty bucks in his account. I can't believe a reality show put things out of order, especially this one!
Linda interviews that she was surprised there was an elimination on the first night they met David, because he didn't get the chance to know the women very well. David tells Paul he doesn't know how to do it or whom to eliminate. Karolina interviews that they didn't know what to expect because it all happened so fast. Alessia tells Giada (who's still crying) that she should be happy for the opportunity she was given. Heh. If Alessia only knew. Giada says she's happy, even though she's still crying. Cat interviews that she's sure David was looking at each girl as a possible elimination candidate. We see footage of Alessia yelling in Italian, and David says that she's "a character" and that he wants to keep her because she was fun. None of these comments includes any actual names, so David really could have been talking about anybody, and they just edited it to make it look like he was talking about certain women to build suspense and start various story arcs. David says that someone doesn't talk much, but that she seemed like a nice girl. Someone else didn't make eye contact, so she might be shy. Paul asks if there were any women David didn't like. David says that there was one girl who gave him a "bad vibe," and that she seemed arrogant and cocky. Who? We'll never know. David considers some more. The women drink some more. Paul waits some more. David stands and puts his jacket back on and says that it'll have to be done.
David and Paul walk back to the porch. Paul carries the tray with the necklaces. The women are lined up in two semicircles facing each other. David announces that it was nice to meet them all. He doesn't want the women eliminated to take this to heart, because they are all amazing, so he hopes that there are no hard feelings. My saving grace for this show with their two episodes per week will be the sheer amount of commercial breaks.
Paul starts announcing the women's names. The first to receive a necklace is Karolina. She turns around, and David fastens the necklace. David voice-overs that she is "classy" and "really sweet." up is Alessia. She struts up and then goes down to her knees and genuflects in front of David. He says that he couldn't get rid of her, and everyone laughs. David voice-overs that he liked how Alessia acted, and that he thought she was full of energy and very wild. Paul calls out Lina's name. Wow, I thought she was a total bitch. I can't believe he picked her. David voice-overs that Lina was pretty, and joked around a lot. She did? Paul calls Kristyna's name. She makes a lot of gestures like, "Me?" David voice-overs that she is "beautiful, and exotic, and just out of this world." Really? I think she looks like every third girl in the mall. The one called is Tereza and her ill-fitting dress. David voice-overs that she was "soft-hearted," and that he liked that she was the first girl who said thank you. I think it's cold out on the porch, because a lot of the women have their arms crossed, but the editors try to make it out like they are bitchy. But only a few names have been called, so why would they already be bitching it up? Wow, I just noticed that Giada has a leopard-print dress on. Has she had that on all night?
By Kim
Paul calls Olinda's name. She says she's happy now. David teases her about her nerves, and she promises to calm down. David voice-overs that Olinda seems "uppity." She does? Olinda gives David a kiss on the cheek. Paul calls Anique . She grins widely. David voice-overs that Anique is "absolutely beautiful," and that he needs to figure out her personality a little bit. Cat's name is the one called. Johanna stands there with total bitchface. Awesome. David says that Cat is pretty, and that they made good eye contact when they danced. Paul calls Giada's name , but he mispronounces it, so she corrects him. David voice-overs that Giada is quiet, and beautiful. She thanks David very sincerely. Johanna still looks pissed. Paul calls Linda's name. David says he's very attracted to her, and that she seems classy and great-looking. One necklace remains. Johanna's bitchface gets even bitchier.
Paul calls the final name, and it's Petra. Johanna gives more bitchface, but I think we saw this bitchface before. Hey, are the editors recycling bitchface? Because I am all for that. David voice-overs that he thought Petra was nice and honest, so he's looking forward to hanging out with her. Well, don't gush. David says that it was a hard decision, that he enjoyed meeting all the women, and that he doesn't want them to feel down. Yassamin tells David that it's fine. He shakes her hand and kisses her cheek, and then does the same with Jerusha and Johanna. David says that it's late, and that Paul can help them with anything they need. Alessia calls out, "Good night to you, and to your horse." Or "whores." It's still funny.
The women all hug the three big losers: Jerusha, Johanna, and Yassamin. David and Paul retreat to the study, and David says that he felt so bad eliminating the women. If he feels bad about that, how's he going to feel when he has to tell them it's all a lie? David says that Lina had a cocky vibe when he gave her the necklace, and that he kind of wishes he had made a different choice. The women all hug goodbye. Paul returns and asks the losers to follow him so that they can go to their rooms to pack.
David interviews that Johanna acted "almost too good," and that he thought she would look down on him. Johanna interviews that she couldn't imagine sitting on a ranch surrounded by cows, because that's not her. At least she's honest. Yassamin throws her things in her suitcase. Yassamin interviews that she had a feeling when she first heard about the elimination that she would be going, but that she's not that upset. Jerusha interviews that some things are meant to be, and some aren't. I totally called her elimination, by the way. The non-loser women sit around and look glum while wearing their necklaces. Petra interviews that she is glad to stay with the group, but sad that some girls had to leave. No mention of David. Alessia interviews that she wants to thank David for being funny, sweet, and shy. Tereza interviews that she thought she might be going because "[she] was cursing, [she] was drinking vodka, and [she] didn't wear any underwear." Rock on, Tereza. Although I think this interview was done at the end of the episode, but it was still funny.
By Kim
Linda interviews that she likes the necklace, and that she's excited to get to know David better, but she kind of says it like she's sick of the producers asking her questions. Petra interviews, "David called my name, and I walked towards him, and he did a pearl necklace on my neck." You can't make that shit up. Petra adds that she never had pearls from a boy. Hee. Olinda interviews that David had to pick somebody, and he did it. David voice-overs that the women will be disappointed when he finds out the truth.
Paul returns to tell us that David had a difficult decision, and was faced with "an abundance of riches," so we will see if he chose wisely. In the episode, Paul promises that David will take the women on group dates in Tuscany. I still think Paul should get progressively more drunk each week.
Tuesday. Paul welcomes us back and reminds us that in the episode, David had to eliminate some women. Tonight, the women want to know all about David and his money. Paul wonders if David will be able to keep his story straight. Based on the whole "Hurricane on the plane" scenario, I'm guessing no.
Morning After First Elimination. As if the whole pearl necklace thing wasn't bad enough, they have to go and use with word "elimination" all the time. I am such a child. The women show up for breakfast. Karolina interviews that they were surprised that the girls were eliminated on the first night they met David. When you watch both episodes back-to-back, it becomes really obvious how much of this interview footage they reuse, but pretend the women were talking about different things. Olinda says that the night was exhausting. Olinda interviews that the girls who stayed got beautiful necklaces. Karolina asks how everyone liked the pearls. Linda says that they are real. Olinda interviews that the pearls were nice, but that she doesn't think the quality was very good, and she likes big jewelry. Because big means better quality? I'm going to assume that was a translation issue. Karolina asks what everyone thought of David. Lina interviews that, at the ball, they talked about superficial things and didn't really get to know David. Karolina asks what David does. Anique says he does the rodeo. Karolina doesn't understand how that could be a job, because she thinks of it more as a hobby. Suddenly the expert on America, Olinda explains that in this country, the rodeo people become superstars. Yes, like...that famous rodeo guy. Or that other one who's dating Jewel. Or the one Luke Perry played in 8 Seconds. Olinda asks if David is obedient, and Petra says she hopes so. Olinda wonders if he's obedient in bed too, and speculates that he's "super-lover or something." Based on his attitudes towards women, I'm guessing not so much. Lina thinks that David is unique.
By Kim
David joins Paul for breakfast. Paul explains that David will be going on three group dates. Paul thinks that the women will be more inquisitive than American women would be. Yes, because we Americans are nothing if not discreet and mild-mannered. Exhibit A: Mojo. Exhibit B: Heidi. Paul thinks it's important for David to keep his story straight, and points out that he's already told them that Hurricane is his horse. David explains that if he really did have that kind of money, he'd bring his horse over. Paul agrees that it's reasonable, and asks David how old he is. David says he's twenty-four, and Paul corrects him and says he's twenty-five. Wuh? Why would they make him lie about his age? It's like they're trying to get him to screw up. Maybe that's the twist we've been promised this season: the producers are plotting against David. Paul asks if David's uncle is dead or alive. David says he's alive. Paul points out that since he left David this money, he must be dead. David cheerfully says that he hopes the women don't ask this many questions. Paul promises that they will, because they are women. I usually don't go for that "Men Are From Mars" crap, but in this instance I think Paul is right. I know my husband will talk to one of our friends on the phone, and afterward I'll ask all these questions like, "Is he dating anyone? What is his job like? Where does he live now?" And my husband will have no idea. I don't get that. What did they talk about? Usually, it's videogames.
The women go swimming. Anique interviews that the day was stressful, but today, they got to go to the pool and just relax. Paul comes out. Linda guesses that something is going to happen now. Paul greets the women and says that David has decided to take them on group dates over the three days. Heh. "David has decided." Nice one. Paul says that the first group will be Kristyna, Olinda, and Giada to go to Montecatini Alto. Giada interviews that she was screaming because she was so happy. The three daters head back to the house to get ready. Olinda says that David needs to impress her by telling dirty jokes and drinking wine. As they walk into the house, Kristyna covers her ass with her towel, because her bathing suit bottom is up her butt. Olinda, the classy one, just picks her wedge in full view.
David relaxes before his date by taking Hurricane out. Hurricane is like, "What, no date for me? I would like to go to Montecatini Alto. I would like to hear dirty jokes." David interviews that he's looking forward to visiting with the girls, and that they will see a different type of guy. David informs us that he's not a European type of guy. In fact, he's a cowboy. Really? I never would have guessed from the Bonanza-style credits and the cowboy hat. Hurricane sneezes and David says, "Bless you." I have to mention the greatest idea ever. One of our forum posters, sunmayde, said that time they show Hurricane, they should play "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions. If anyone involved with the show is reading this, you must do that. It's not like the Scorpions don't need the money, so I'm sure the song rights would be cheap. Or they could even have the song, but played on an accordion or other Italian-type instrument. Please!
By Kim
Olinda puts on some perfume while primping for the date. She interviews that she doesn't have "an evil master plan" to get David. I think I would like her better if she did. Olinda adds that she doesn't chase guys, because guys chase her. Giada says that she knows she will be nervous and shy, and "it will be difficult to take out the words." A car arrives and whisks the women away.
The women arrive in Montecatini Alto. David waits for them, and we learn that this is the Pottery Date. As each woman exits the car, David greets them and proclaims that it's "perfect." There's a part of me that wants to count how many times per episode David says "perfect," but then there's a part of me that feels like it would just be too much work. David interviews that he was distracted when he greeted the women, because he was thinking about his lie. Giada is wearing a white top and skirt. Olinda is wearing a yellow tank top, camouflage pants, and a black studded belt. Kristyna is wearing a blouse that slides off one shoulder, a denim skirt, and a red belt.
David explains, as he leads the women up a hill, that they will be doing some pottery. Olinda interviews that they took a trolley to the top and had nice views on the way up, and that David told them about life on the ranch. Kristyna asks how he got his horse to Italy. David stammers and then one of the women supplies, "A plane?" He is toast. Olinda says that they didn't think that was right, but that it must be, and suggests that it was a cargo plane. David explains that in rodeos, some guys fly their horses to Canada. To Canada? Why, that's practically another country! David interviews that he doesn't know if it's possible to fly a horse somewhere, but that he figures he's supposed to have enough money to do whatever he wants. Olinda asks where Hurricane is now. Why are they so obsessed with the horse? I mean, I love Hurricane, obviously, but what is up with that? David looks panicked and then says that Hurricane is in a stable with some mares. The women all laugh at Hurricane getting lucky. Somewhere, Hurricane is like, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Neigh." Olinda interviews that they thought Hurricane wasn't really David's, but he is. Olinda asks if it's the horse's first time in Europe. Okay, seriously. Enough questions about the horse.
Giada interviews that they walked through the town square, that and it was very romantic. Kristyna says that they arrived at a cute house and met some Italian guy who explained to them how to make pottery. Krystina tries to throw a pot, but it gets all crooked. She's upset by the mud on her hands, and David offers up his apron. Each of them takes a turn at the wheel. David makes a really great bowl. It's actually kind of impressive. David interviews that Olinda was shaping her pot and she said, "I need super-balls." Hee! Olinda is totally making a phallic shape. She's clearly seen Ghost. The women laugh and laugh. Olinda interviews that she has a dirty imagination, so she kept making the clay more and more phallic. David interviews that he's surprised that the Europeans "get nasty like this." Yes, because in Europe, they are all classy with their accents and stuff. What a rube. Kristyna interviews that she thinks David isn't used to hearing girls talk like that. David brings out a tray with glasses of water. Olinda interviews that David is a gentleman, and that it's charming. David thanks that pottery guy for giving them lessons, and the group leaves.
By Kim
Olinda explains that after the lesson, they all went to an Italian restaurant. Is this the town that time forgot? There are no people in the streets, and no one else in the restaurant. Olinda excuses herself so that she and Kristyna can wash their hands. Yeah, don't they have clay all over their hands? Shouldn't David and Giada wash their hands too? Giada interviews that she was nervous when the others left the room, because she didn't know what to say to David, and she started to wonder when they were coming back, but then she relaxed. David interviews that he and Giada were talking about family and friends. He thinks they have a connection because they can have a good conversation. Giada thinks David is very sweet. The other women return and food is served. David asks if he can say grace. Olinda has already put a big hunk of food in her mouth. That always used to happen to me at Thanksgiving. I'd be digging into my turkey and stuffing and my great-grandma would remember that we should say grace and then I would have to pretend I didn't have a mouthful of food. David folds his hands and says a quite long prayer. The women look confused. Olinda keeps chewing. Giada interviews that she had never seen a man pray before a meal. Olinda is still chewing away. Olinda interviews that she was a bit shocked about saying grace. David finishes his prayer and says amen. Olinda wiggles her fingers around and says, "Amen! Praise the Lord!" Oops. I don't think she was trying to be rude. I don't think she realized that might be offensive to David. It cracked me up though. David kind of looks at her like, "Fuck off." David interviews that Olinda was making fun of him on their date.
David notices that Kristyna didn't get much meat on her plate, and offers up some of his. Kristyna says she's fine. David interviews that Kristyna is "very random" and "mysterious." David slices into, like, an entire roast beef. Kristyna explains that her lack of appetite is due to nerves. David interviews that Kristyna acted like she liked him, and that he thinks she's hot. A waiter comes up and announces that the women's car is there. David interviews that he thought the date went well, and that he was going to shake their hands, but Olinda decided to do three kisses. Olinda interviews that David is cute and shy. Giada interviews that she would like to know David's character more, and what kind of girl he likes. David watches the women's car pull away. David interviews that he's having a good time, and that even though his position is stressful, the day was relaxing. David gets into his car, sighing that another day is done.
By Kim
David lies in bed in the early-morning light as he voice-overs that the girls think he has the world because he gets to choose among all of them, but that he knows he'll have to tell them later that he's been lying to them the whole time. The sun rises, and Paul wakes the women. Anique interviews that Paul told them they had to get up for their date at 8:30 AM. That is such bullshit. Who goes on a date that early in the morning? Crazy people, that's who. Paul explains to Anique, Cat, Lina, and Tereza that they will be joining David for a bike ride. Man, that sucks. Not only did they have to get up early, but now they have to exercise? Hell, no. I'd be like, "I'll just catch him time." Cat interviews that she's excited to get to know David better. Tereza interviews that she's curious to know more about David's life. The women get loaded into a car and take off for their date in Lucca.
David waits for the women. He's wearing a white button-down shirt and camouflage pants. He interviews that he's "a little nervous." Didn't I ban that word? David interviews that he thinks they know now how he got the money, so he feels the questions will slow down. David greets the girls. Anique voice-overs that David was a little nervous. Ugh! Seriously. We get it. Everyone is nervous. And then David says "perfect." Tereza interviews that she was impressed that he remembered their names and where they were from. David takes the lead on the bicycles, and the women follow. They're riding five abreast at about one mile per hour. One of the women notices that there is a picnic set up for them in the park, and they all stop. David interviews that Cat took the initiative to sit by him during the picnic, and that she's pretty, but she was quiet. They're drinking champagne. I don't know how long the drive to Lucca was, but isn't it fairly early in the morning for champagne? They're not even trying to disguise it with mimosas. Tereza interviews that she likes when you can see veins on a guy's arm, and David has that. What an odd thing to look for.
David brings everyone down when he asks if he can say grace. Tereza says, "I'm sorry. I already bited." Hee! David says his extremely long prayer as the women sit silently. Anique interviews that she couldn't join in because she's not religious, so she just waited. Lina interviews that she's not that religious herself, but that she respects those who are. Cat asks David about his sins, referring to part of his prayer where he asked for forgiveness. David doesn't get it. Tereza asks David if he ever curses. David says that he has, but that he tries not to do it in front of ladies. Oh, my delicate feminine fucking ears! Fuck off, David. One of the women asks what "cursing" means, and Tereza says that it means bad words, and then offers up a bunch of examples that get bleeped out. Awesome! I love her. David cracks up, to his credit. David interviews that Tereza was "dropping all these cuss words out" and that it was "amazing." I don't think he means that in a Felicity kind of way. Tereza apologizes for being rude and sounding like a sailor. Everyone is still giggling. Tereza interviews that she was cursing like a sailor, didn't wear any underwear, and drank a lot of champagne. Originally, I thought that was the same interview footage from the episode, but then I realized that the first time she was drinking vodka. So she used the same line twice, which is fine by me.
Tereza asks David if he celebrated a lot when he got the money. David says he did. Anique asks what he's going to do with the money, because she thinks it's too much. David interviews that he can't believe they are asking about the money upon their second meeting. David tells the women that he has a lot more friends at home. Cat advises him not to tell them about his money, and David says he doesn't, but that it was in the newspapers. David asks if they think some girls are after money. Lina says that the world is full of gold-diggers. David interviews that this group was more serious, and like piranha with the questions. Cat asks about Hurricane. Someone asks if David has fans. Lina asks why the story of how David got the money is so special. David says, "How many people do you know have eighty million dollars?" The women take that in. Anique asks if it was his father's brother or his mother's brother. David says it was his father's brother. Anique asks if his uncle was also in the rodeo. David says that his uncle never got married or had kids. What does that have to do with being in the rodeo? Lina asks if David has been in Europe before. David says he was once, to Paris for three days. Again, why lie about that? It's just going to get confusing. Anique asks what he did there, and David says he visited a friend.
By Kim
Anique asks about David's father, and David says he's also in the oil business. They're trying to make it out like these questions were rapid-fire, but from the positions of the women, you can tell that they were more spread out. Lina asks who David's sponsor is. His sponsor? To be in a foreign country, or for the rodeo? David non-sequiturs that he has a lot of his money in stocks. The women are curious about that, and David says that way, his money keeps growing. What stock market has he been investing in? Lina thinks that's an intelligent answer. David interviews that he's going to have to go home and remember everything he said. David tells the women that it's been a great afternoon, and they prepare to leave. Lina interviews that she has a lot of new things to think about, so she's satisfied. The women get back into their car. Tereza interviews that David is cute, and that all of the women like him. Anique interviews that she likes how "honest and open" David is. Oh, that'll come back to bite her in the ass. The women's car takes off. David interviews that a guy who didn't have his story straight could mess this up. Foreshadowing?
David gets up the day and walks around without his shirt on. You know the producers were like, "No, we need a shot of you getting out of bed, and you should be wearing what you normally wear to bed. Like, totally naked or...oh, okay, boxer shorts. And then walk really slow right in front of the camera. And then how about you go in the bathroom and splash some water on your face. No! Don't put your shirt on yet! Because, we want it to look natural. And if you happen to spill some of that water on your chest, that's totally fine." David interviews that it's hard to keep his story straight.
Paul gathers the group of women. Karolina asks for two more minutes so that she can wash and dry her hair. She can do that in two minutes? That's amazing! Karolina interviews that the rest of the girls are going on their date, and that she wants to know David more. Linda interviews that we are always in a search for the right person, and that she's open-minded about it. Paul calls the women downstairs. Petra interviews that she's excited to meet David and talk to him more. Alessia walks out of the house in a fuchsia pleated dress from the Dynasty collection, accessorized by her white fan. She yells, "Where is the man with the horse?" Or whores. Alessia interviews that she wants a man who is extravagant and happy and funny, like her. Alessia is growing on me.
By Kim
The women head to Pisa for their date. David interviews that Pisa is a great place for a first date, and that in Texas, they might go to Whataburger. Hey, don't knock Whataburger. David waits for the women. Karolina interviews that they all wanted to see Pisa, so she thought it was nice that David chose that date for them. Yeah, David had lots to do with that decision. David greets the women as they get out of their car. Alessia can't wait, and just jumps out of the car and calls David her husband again. At least she doesn't ask about the whores this time. Linda interviews that when David shook her hand, he didn't even look in her eyes, so she thinks he is shy. David tells the women that they all look nice. Didn't he see what Alessia is wearing?
David gives the women a tour of Pisa. When did he become such an expert? He shows off the Leaning Tower. David asks if any of them are Catholic, and explains that he is. He is? I never would have guessed that. I would have thought Baptist or Methodist. Alessia claims that she's Catholic too, even though the first time he asked, she didn't say anything. She suggests that they get married in the church in Pisa. David says "perfect" a few more times. Alessia interviews that it was weird that David was explaining the history to them, since he's from Texas and she's from Italy. David tells the girls that there's nothing like that in Texas. Alessia voice-overs that David studied a lot before their date. Karolina interviews that David is handsome like Woody Harrelson, and that she is impressed.
David asks the women if they want to go up in the tower, and they all agree. Karolina interviews that they went all the way up the stairs. Stairs? That thing has got to be at least eight stories high. Alessia jokes that it's a good workout. At the top, the women exclaim over the view, which is beautiful. Linda interviews that it seemed like "a pure beauty." Petra interviews that they saw the sunset from the tower. Alessia announces that she has a present for David, and pulls out a multi-colored lei, explaining that he gave them necklaces and she's returning the favor. Everyone laughs and claps. David interviews that Alessia is great and that her present was cool. The women try to find the ocean. Linda comments that Florence is beautiful, and that although she hasn't been, she's heard. David totally gives her the sex eyes and says that they should go. David interviews that he had a special moment with Linda in the tower, and that he's really attracted to her. David and the women go back down the stairs, and David says he has a surprise planned.
David and his dates walk down the street. Alessia starts singing, and Linda grabs arms with David and Alessia. Soon, all five of them are arm-in-arm. David voice-overs that the group was so happy, and walked around the streets singing. Alessia interviews that she thinks David didn't understand her song, but that it was about sun and love. David interviews that the moment when they were all hand-in-hand, singing in the street, was a great experience and one he's never had. They don't do that in Texas?
By Kim
Linda interview that they went to a hotel and had a rooftop dinner. This is so much better than the bicycle/picnic date. Karolina interviews that it was beautiful and very private. Karolina thanks David for taking them to that restaurant. Petra interviews that it was nice to feel the wind and see the Leaning Tower. David offers up a toast. David interviews that it was beautiful, and that the food was good. But did he say grace? We'll never know. David interviews that he had a great time, and that he's looking forward to going on more dates with them.
The final group of women returns to the villa. Petra interviews that, after the date, they were full of energy. They're full of something. Likely champagne. They stumble down to the pool and join the other women. Lina interviews that Alessia had a good time. Alessia loudly describes the date. Petra explains that they had dinner on the roof. The girls from the bicycle date are like, "Dude!" Lina yells that you can see Alessia's eyes twinkling. Again, I think it's the champagne. Petra interviews that Alessia likes David because he's sweet and honest. Anique asks Alessia if David is in love with her, too. Alessia says that "love" is a big word. No, it's not. Only four letters! Olinda asks if she loves David now. Alessia slurs that he's really nice, and then she yells, "Money!" Tereza speculates that David can probably afford more necklaces. Linda and Cat are totally sitting off to the side, away from the others. Linda interviews that something clicked between her and David, and that he's a nice person, but that she has a different lifestyle than he does. Linda tells Cat that none of her friends are as religious as David is, and that it scares her. So I guess he did say grace? Cat suggests that it confuses her, and Linda agrees. Linda says that if she met him on the street, she probably wouldn't talk to him.
The morning, the women get up. Olinda wonders which bikini she should wear. She bends over to look in her suitcase, and her ass is totally falling out of her shorts. The women hang out in and around the pool. Isn't that a Yes song? Samantha joins the women. Olinda is wearing a bandanna on her head. That's all I have to say about that. Samantha says that she wanted to let them know that there will be an elimination that night. Karolina interviews that they knew there would be an elimination that night. Samantha says that Paul will fetch them when it's time, and she leaves. Karolina interviews that she thinks she gets to stay. Giada asks whether Samantha said how many people would be eliminated. Giada is kind of annoying. She's like that person in your class who would constantly ask you questions about an upcoming test, when she was sitting right there when the teacher explained it, and thus you both have exactly the same amount of information. And yet, she persists on asking if it will be multiple choice, and what chapters it covers, and other freaking-outedness. Giada interviews that she would like to stay and know more about David. Lina interviews that after meeting David, she would be really sad to leave. Insert opposite of exclamation point here.
By Kim
Olinda rips on Samantha a little bit. Olinda interviews that she hopes everyone stays except Cat. I have no idea why they hate each other. Cat interviews that she doesn't know who will be eliminated, and that it could be Olinda, because she's crazy and always talks about sex. Olinda interviews that Cat is not David's type, because she's fake. Olinda asked Cat if she had a boob job, and Cat denied it, but Olinda's not buying it. I don't know. They could be natural. Olinda says that Cat is not shy; she's just a bitch. Petra interviews that Cat might be eliminated because she doesn't like being the only German girl left. I don't think the women get to decide who gets eliminated. Does David care that Cat is the only German girl left?
Paul approaches the women at dinner and asks them to accompany him to the porch. Okay, he calls it the loggia, but whatever. Petra interviews that when Paul arrived, the women were both nervous and excited. The women walk out on the porch. Olinda interviews that she is ready to pack her bags at any time, and that some girls were more nervous than others about leaving. Anique says they don't know how many people will be eliminated.
Samantha walks out onto the porch. The women groan in disappointment, and Samantha comments on their reaction. Samantha announces that two women will be eliminated. Olinda nods knowingly. Samantha says that each of the women who gets to stay will get a sapphire necklace. And she says "journey," but I'm ignoring that word. Samantha says she'll go get David. Oh, the tension! The suspense! The amazing amount of not caring at all that I am experiencing right now!
The women stand in formation and wait for David. Lina interviews that David will have to judge by their personalities. Yes, I'm sure boobs don't come into play at all. David interviews that he feels like the girls are his friends, and that he's letting them down. David walks out, and Kristyna totally checks out his ass and then nods to someone across the way. David and Paul take their positions. David tells the women that they look great, and that he had a lot of fun on the dates. Unfortunately, he had to make some decisions, but he hopes there are no hard feelings. I have feelings, and they are hard! I don't know. I've been recapping for many, many hours.
Paul announces that the first woman is Cat. David voice-overs that Cat is classy and great-looking, but that he doesn't know if she's into him. Paul calls Giada, who smiles widely. David voice-overs that every time he sees Giada, he knows it will be a great day, because she's so fun, and that she would make a great girlfriend. Linda has wavy hair tonight and kind of looks like Jorja Fox. , Paul calls Linda's name. David has some trouble fastening the necklace. David voice-overs that he purposely took a little more time with Linda. The captioning adds (but we do not hear) that David was checking her out and noticed she had a tattoo. Lina gives Giada a look like, "Are you noticing this?" David finally gets the necklace fastened.
By Kim
Paul calls Kristyna's name . David interviews that Kristyna is "still kind of hanging out in the brush," but that she's slowly showing signs of interest. I just noiced that all of the women are wearing dresses except Karolina, who has on camouflage capri pants. Paul calls Lina up. Lina rips on the other women, saying that they are giggling like schoolgirls. David voice-overs that Lina has "a dry personality," and seems proper and uppity, but that he finds that attractive. Paul calls Alessia up. Everyone claps for her. Alessia scolds David for making her wait so long, and then hands David a rose. David voice-overs that Alessia is funny, giving, and appreciative. Alessia gives David another kiss after her necklace is fastened.
Anique's name is called . Lina gives her a dirty look. David voice-overs that he doesn't know if Anique is making fun of him, or if she just has "a real sarcasm [sic] sense of humor." Why can't it be both? David voice-overs that he was disappointed when Anique walked off, because she didn't even thank him or turn around, and that he felt like he made the wrong decision. Paul calls Petra's name . David voice-overs that he likes Petra and thinks she's a cutie pie. There is only one necklace left. Paul waits a while to build suspense, and then calls Olinda's name. Olinda is relieved. Olinda calls herself a "gorgeous comedian" and "super-hot." Okay. If you say so. David voice-overs that Olinda is nice and likes to have a good time, and that he could see them together. Really? She's about the last one I would pick for him. David makes a speech about how he doesn't like to choose. Then he says it's like "kicking one of [his] buddies out of the truck to go to the rodeo." Wow, I'm sure the losers feel better now. The speech is made all the more ridiculous because David has Alessia's rose tucked into the neck of his shirt. David bids everyone goodbye.
So Tereza and Karolina are eliminated. The women all hug and cry. Tereza interviews that she was upset, but that she tried to stay calm. Linda interviews that she didn't expect Karolina to be eliminated, and that she's a good friend. Linda's crying harder than Karolina or Tereza! Linda says she doesn't want to cry because it's too American. I didn't know that other nationalities didn't have tear ducts. David interviews that he eliminated Tereza because she was the first to ask about the money. He eliminated Karolina because she's friends with Linda, and he was worried that Linda would back off if Karolina started liking him, out of respect for their friendship. Who knew David had a strategy? Karolina and Tereza leave to pack up. David sits in his study and writes something in a book. I imagine it goes like this: "I like Hurricane. He is a horse. He is fast. Girls are pretty. We go to the town. Paul is cool. Good night."
By Kim
Paul tells us that it was another difficult decision for David, and we hope he's backing the right horse. Paul says that week, David will take the women to a horse ranch so that they can try out "his own cowboy lifestyle." So they'll be mucking out the stables, huh? What a ripoff from last season.