By Kim
Ooh, it's an International Affair! That sounds classy. I'll bet this season won't be trashy and vaguely gross, like last season. Some on-screen text tells us that it's February 2003. Was the finale of last season really only eight months ago? It seems like it's been so long! Evan told Zora that he didn't really have $50 million . Text whooshes out at us to claims that this episode was "the most watched entertainment program of the year." Was it really? And also, isn't the year not over yet? You never know. Third Watch could have a resurgence. Zora accepted Evan's ring and danced with him while wearing the same dress my friend Brenda wore to the prom in 1990. Evan and Zora sucked face, and while I kind of hate that phrase, it most accurately describes what they were doing. And then Zora dropped off the face of the earth, because she's not a whore, and Evan did KFC commercials, because he is.
October 2003. Hey, that's right now! Time travel is possible! We've got a new fancy house, and all new ladies to fool. The new group is told that their Joe is worth $80 million, and they all drink champagne to celebrate. The on-screen text calls them "fourteen unsuspecting European beauties." "Beauties"? We'll see about that. Various women reveal themselves to be money-grubbing whores. Even worse -- European money-grubbing whores. And if there's anything I've learned from watching American-made action movies, it's that you can't trust people from Europe. More on-screen text tells us that also involved in this mess will be "one American cowboy." Said cowboy looks a lot like a young Woody Harrelson. And talks like him too. He kisses various ladies and wonder what will happen when they find out he's not really rich. On-screen text reads, "One big lie." Just one? The money-grubbing European whores also reveals themselves to be bitches when they turn on one another. On-screen text claims, "They said we couldn't do it again." No, I think what we said was that we wished you wouldn't do it again. The music builds. Women cry. The cowboy laments ever getting involved. I feel you, cowboy. On-screen text says, "They were wrong." The cowboy cries. Cries! I can't wait for that episode. The cowboy admits that he hasn't been completely honest, and that he's not rich. Now that we've wasted, like, five minutes on that segment -- which is sure to be shown at the beginning of every single episode -- I have to wonder: Are there really people watching this show who don't understand the premise and needed it explained to them in that much detail?
The credits are kind of like the credits from Bonanza with the fake Western adventure-type music. A map of Europe is superimposed over a shot of the cowboy riding his horse. Is he riding his horse through Europe? Each of the women is introduced based on her native country, but I'm not going to cover them individually yet. Just know that there are three from Germany, two from Sweden, four from the Czech Republic, two from the Netherlands, and three from Italy. The cowboy gazes out over Europe, and then I totally called it that this was a Bonanza rip-off, because the map burns up at the end. Paul the Butler welcomes us to the Joe Millionaire as the music ends with a flourish.
By Kim
Paul sits in front of the fire with his brandy, and welcome us back. Paul says that we may be "wondering how [they] could have possibly managed to pull this off." Yes, Paul. I am wondering. Because I have been living in a cave for the past three months, without access to newspapers, magazines, television, the internet, or other people, and thus have heard nothing about the premise of this show. Also, I have failed to watch any FOX programming for the past four weeks, and thus somehow missed the eight million commercials for this show that totally gave away the whole premise. If FOX wanted better ratings for this episode, they should have kept the premise a secret. Paul explains that the producers found fourteen "gorgeous, sophisticated and refined" ladies in Europe who had never heard of the show. I don't want those kinds of ladies! I want women like Heidi and Sarah! Paul says that women all over the world have a lot in common: "Some are nice, some are not so nice, and some of them are only in it for the money." So you mean that women are a lot like men in that regard? Wait, women are human beings? Say it isn't so. Oh, how The Rules have failed me yet again. Paul wonders if the new Joe will make the right choice, and whether his "newfound love" will accept him once she knows the truth. Paul also promises that we might think we know, but truly we don't know how this will all end up, because "many a twist and turn awaits [us]." Yeah, I've heard that before. Paul is like my abusive husband. He keeps promising me that things will be better, and so I keep taking him back, and then he just beats me down one more time.
So let's meet the new Joe! Could they have possibly found someone as doofy as Evan? To start with, his name is David Smith. Well, that's memorable. They couldn't find a John Doe or a...I just asked my husband to help me think of a common male American name and he offered up "Joaquin." So I told him it needed to be a first and last name and he said, "Fran Tarkenton." He is no help at all. And we're at the rodeo! And David is taking his shirt off for no apparent reason! Not that I'm complaining because he is some serious eye candy. How do you think the producers talked him into that one? "But David, we need to shoot footage of you changing into your cowboy outfit! Otherwise, people won't understand how you started out in one shirt and ended up in another. Trust us, we're professionals. No, it won't be exploitative." And then I picture David like Coco in Fame, clutching his shirt and crying, but knowing that this is what he has to do to become a star. And then he'll sing "Out Here On My Own." That would be awesome. Anyway, David explains that he "ride[s] bareback broncs for a living." Dirty! And then he adds that he gets excited when he rides. Dirtier! Hee! David gets bucked off a horse. David's rodeo coach explains that even people who win a lot have a hard time making a living on the rodeo circuit.
By Kim
Hey, David's changing his shirt again! That's, like, two shots of his naked torso in about thirty seconds. Again, not complaining. In fact, freeze-framing and gawking. The funniest part is that he leaves his shirt pulled up, stomach exposed, while he puts on his cowboy hat. I'm sure that was purely accidental. David pulls a couple of crumpled dollar bills out of his pocket as he voice-overs that most cowboys aren't rich, and do it for the love. The rodeo coach says that David is humble, appreciative, and trustworthy. And yet willing to completely fuck with the minds of fourteen women for the right price. David explains that his parents raised him "Southern," but that he's not allowed to wear his cowboy hat in the house. I have to say that I think of cowboy hats as more Western than Southern. David explains that his parents are old-fashioned, but that they are right in the way they raised him. And also, his mother doesn't like him to wear spurs at the dinner table. So no hats and no spurs? Well, I am definitely not accepting that surely-on-the-way dinner invitation at the Smith house.
David says that he has a little dog that stays with him, a Jack Russell Terrier. That dog is so not a Jack Russell Terrier. Eddie on Frasier is a Jack Russell Terrier. This dog is fluffy. I'm not sure what the whole dog segment was about anyway. I guess just to show that he can't be a completely bad person, because he loves his dog. David's mother says that David is "kind, loving, and giving" and will make some girl a good husband. At least, I think that was his mother. She was never identified. She looked a little old to be his mother, and the dude standing to her looked way too old to be his father. Who knows? David says that the rodeo can be lonely, and he wonders, as he drives his truck, how he can take a girl out "for a real fancy supper" when he only makes $11,000 a year. I think the first step is to find a woman, not a girl. And the second step would be to find one who doesn't care where you go, because she's more interested in spending time with you than she is eating a fancy supper. David wonders what girl will go with a guy who's always on the road and only has a few dollars in his pocket. I think those are two separate issues, but whatever. David buttons the cuffs of his sleeves. What is with him and the shirts? He's constantly either putting one on or taking one off, or adjusting the one he has on. I think he has OCD. David mentions that he also sleeps in his truck, and girls "don't come flocking to broke cowboys."
David's grandmother (not his mother) says she hopes David ends up with someone who loves him. David details what kind of woman he wants: she needs to be "nice and sweet," but he doesn't want "some girl cussing and, you know, being like a guy." Well, I guess I'm right the fuck out. ["Fuck, me too. [hocks loogie]" -- Wing Chun] And whatever empathy I had for poor David just flew out the window, because it's total bullshit that he thinks it's okay if guys swear but he doesn't want a lady to do so. Some women walk toward the rodeo gate. David explains that they are "buckle bunnies" -- in other words, rodeo groupies. They apparently favor really tight jeans, even if their figures are not flattered by said apparel. It's really sad to me that there are rodeo groupies, given that rodeo stars are neither rich nor famous. Like, I can sort of understand the appeal of sleeping with a rock star or a famous actor, for bragging rights or the hopes that he might fall in love with you or whatever. But a rodeo star? Why? David says he wants "more of a feminine woman." Still hating him. David packs his spurs and gloves as he voice-overs that maybe "one of these European girls will be more to [his] liking." Yes, Europe. The last bastion of femininity. I wonder what David will think if he encounters a woman who doesn't shave her pits? ["Um, Kim? A 'woman' who doesn't shave her pits is a man, hello." -- Wing Chun] I don't think that would fit in with his stereotypical ideas of femininity. David says he'll find out if the women are interested in him because of his alleged millions or for who he is.
By Kim
Florence, Italy. Total stock footage of an airplane landing, probably in, like, Iowa or something. David's car speeds through the streets and parks in front of the fancy house. I hope they sped up that driving footage, because otherwise that car was definitely breaking some speed limits. Paul opens the car door, and David steps out. They shake hands, and Paul shows him inside. David can't believe how big the place is, and how many rooms it contains. I'm so embarrassed for people from Texas, people named David, and anyone connected with the rodeo. Paul points out various features, including the waterfall. David says that it's beautiful, and Paul says that it's "the perfect fit for the young millionaire who needs to woo fourteen beautiful women." David just keeps saying, "Yes, sir." Paul advises David to treat it like his own home, and to let the staff take care of him and make himself comfortable, so that the women will believe his ruse. The editors insert a fake voice-over of Paul saying that they have an early start the day, and David has a lot to learn.
The sun rises. "La Dona Mobile" plays, and then a rooster crowing interrupts it. It's 7:00 AM sharp, according to some on-screen text. That was so dumb. If it were not sharp, it would have said like 7:04 AM or something. Paul tells David that they need to speak about their relationship. Oh, is Paul giving him the "it's not you, it's me" speech? Oh, Paul is talking about their employer/employee relationship. Paul says that he works for David, and David laughs at the ridiculous idea. Paul says that David needs to call him Paul instead of Sir. David agrees, but then immediately answers the question, "Yes, sir." A little bell chimes, and David corrects himself, "Yes, Paul." Paul says that they need to turn David into a gentleman.
Suddenly, it's two hours later. What in the hell were they doing for two hours? Because David is still sitting in exactly the same spot. I'm starting to think that they are just randomly claiming various times to make it seem like the day is moving along. That's time-stamp abuse! Paul is giving David a lecture about the various countries of origin of the fourteen women. David is actually taking notes. Hee! The most ridiculous part is that Paul tells David the capital of each country. Why would David need to know that? Does that really come up in general conversation on dates? "You have beautiful eyes. They remind me of the lights found in Rome, the capital city of your country, Italy." David asks, "Where's Dutch again?" Paul points out Holland. David responds, "That's where they wear the wooden shoes." Paul rolls his eyes. Hey, at least he didn't bring up dikes.
By Kim
Again with the time stamp. Now it's allegedly 10:30 AM. Paul is still pointing things out on the map. Paul asks if David has been to Europe before. David answers, "No, sir," and Paul reminds him to say, "No, Paul." Paul teaches David how to say hello and goodbye in each of the women's native languages. Paul explains to David how to say "ciao," and then asks again what it means. David responds sheepishly, "Not for sure. Food?" Oh, he is not very smart. With Evan, I didn't feel bad about making fun of him, because he was just smart enough that I felt he should know better. I don't get that vibe from David. Paul continues going through various languages with David, who writes them all down. Then they practice saying them to each other. Paul asks if David can handle it, and David says, "Yes, sir." Paul waits for David to correct himself, and they edit in about ten minutes of footage of David looking stupid, which I'm sure wasn't difficult to find. Finally, David remembers and says, "Yes, Paul." David isn't sure he'll be able to remember all this. Paul quizzes him, and David actually gets the answer right.
It's allegedly noon. Some on-screen text says, "Meanwhile, at a spa near the villa..." I have to point out that the font they are using for the on-screen text is not horrible in and of itself (I mean it could be Comic Sans, which is a crime against nature), but they insist on typing everything in all caps. And it's a script font, so it just looks dumb and is difficult to read. The whole point of a script font is that it flows together and looks like cursive, which it doesn't do when you use all-caps. Bitches. Anyway, the fourteen women are swimming in the pool in their bikinis. Then they're suddenly packing up their suitcases. Anique, twenty-one, from the Netherlands, says that the women were all very excited to go to the villa and meet the mystery man. She adds that all the other women were hoping he would look like Lenny Kravitz, but she was hoping he would look like Keanu Reeves. Oh, dear. They are in for a great deal of disappointment. Meanwhile, David is driving a tractor. What? Why is he driving a tractor at the villa? That was a strange choice of footage to use to illustrate that he doesn't look like Lenny Kravitz or Keanu Reeves. Olinda, twenty-six, from Sweden, has a very shiny face and must be lying about her age, because she looks like she's had at least one facelift, and who needs a facelift at twenty-six? She hopes that David will be funny and "a true gentleman, I guess, like James Bond-type or something." Cut to David, letting his Jack Russell Terrier (not) lick his face. Because James Bond hates dogs? Again, not really understanding the illustrative clip they used there. Johanna, twenty-one from Germany, has really big and bouncy boobs, which she shows off to full effect in a strappy tank top. She says she doesn't have preconceived notions, except that she thinks he will be tan, blond, and really muscular. Finally, an illustrative clip that makes sense, as they show David standing in the sun without a shirt.
By Kim
Karolina, twenty-five, from the Czech Republic, speculates that David will be handsome and perfect, but then realizes that he might not be, and guesses, "Maybe he's gonna be a girl!" That is such a different show, but one I would totally watch. And I like her creativity. One of the women packs her suitcase with about ten different evening bags. A woman who I think is Italian, but goes unidentified, says that she likes honesty, and a sense of humor, and "some money, because it is important to have some money." She has a lot of hair, and is wearing a sparkly bindi and carrying what appears to be fan in case she gets overheated. She's weird. I like her. Lina, twenty-two, from Sweden, says that she likes "a sophisticated man." Oh, dear. Anique returns to say that they are all excited to meet the guy, and to finally see him. The ladies all exit the spa with their suitcases. David and Paul walk around the grounds of the villa. David asks, when he gets to meet the ladies, and Paul says it will be "very shortly." But not before a commercial break.
Back at the villa, there is a statue of a cherub riding a horse, which is bucking. It's like they planned it! Does anyone else think that the producers bought that statue and had it planted there? Some on-screen text informs us that the "girls" are arriving, in case you were unable to decipher that information from the fact that the ladies are arriving via horse-drawn carriage. Paul instructs the household staff on how to stand for greeting purpose. There are two maids and a chef. And a hostess! And it's not Alex! Although she could be Alex's younger sister. Here's hoping she gets more than two seconds of screen time per episode. The first to arrive are Alessia (the one with the bindi and all the hair) and Kristyna, who has some bad highlights. Alessia is wearing a strapless blue dress, which is a little too tight, as it creates an unsightly fat roll. up are Jerusha and Karolina. Jerusha is thirty, dressed sensibly, and not Caucasian, so you know she's not going to last. Karolina is wearing a one-shouldered belly shirt that is about three sizes too small, and Terminator sunglasses. They ooh and ah over the view. Anique and Yassamin are . Yassamin makes Anique take her hand, and then fake-proposes. They giggle. Linda and Johanna are . Johanna kind of looks like Christa from Survivor. Linda is a brunette with a shoulder-length bob, for those of you playing the home game. Totally screwing up the order, as well as not helping those of us who are trying to keep all of these women straight, Anique and Yassimin are in the first carriage that we actually see pull up to the villa. Paul helps them out and Samantha, the host, welcomes them. She introduces Paul, and then he introduces the chef and maids. The women are very gracious.
By Kim
Johanna and Linda arrive . Johanna interviews that the palazza was like something out of a movie. Samantha welcomes them. Alessia and Kristyna must have taken the scenic route, because they are still in their carriage, even though they are the first ones we saw. Alessia's English is understandably a bit broken, at least more so than the other women, and she interviews, "I think this is a big experience for my life, but most important, a big probability that I find the perfect man." Oh, those wacky Europeans and their mangled syntax! Caterina and Gidda arrive . Caterina is wearing a lace-up tank top. I didn't know that was possible. Gidda has on a really ugly rainbow-colored camisole that does nothing to support her giant breasts, and only serves to emphasize her deep tan. up are Tereza and Lina. Tereza has kind of dowdy brown hair, held back by an Alice band. Man, I haven't seen one of those since about 1992. Lina has a Debbie Harry style cut, featuring lots of long bangs in her face. Tereza, who looks about fourteen, says that she never had a man who had both a career and money, and that she always dated "artistic losers," but that she loved them anyway. She is so the new Zora.
Olinda and Petra are welcomed by Paul. Olinda (the one who's claiming to be twenty-six, but I'm not buying it) interviews that she's ambitious, and that she likes money. So go make your own money, Olinda. A seasoned veteran like you should be able to find a good job. The women wander around the villa, amazed. Jerusha interviews that it's "the perfect posh super-rich people's villa." Petra stands on a balcony and asks someone to come and rescue her and her white jeans. Petra interviews that she's excited to meet this guy, and has "great expectations." The women already have all their clothes spread out around their rooms. Alessia has already unpacked her stupid fan. Olinda slathers eight more pounds of lip gloss onto her collagen-swelled lips and blathers that she's curious to meet the guy, but is feeling overwhelmed. She thinks it might be because she's Swedish. Are the Swedish easily overwhelmed? Alessia does a stupid fan dance in her white fleece shorts.
Night falls. Paul leads the women into a courtyard of sorts and invites them to take seats. The women are all wearing dresses. Alessia interviews that she doesn't know what they are waiting for. I'm waiting for her to get a sense of style that doesn't involve that horrible turquoise dress she's wearing, and also waiting for her to admit her real age. I think I'll be waiting a long time. Samantha walks in and asks if they are getting settled, and then tells them that they look beautiful. The camera pulls back for a long shot to cover up the fact that much of Samantha's dialogue was added in post-production. Samantha tells them that their mystery man's name is David, and he's "a real American cowboy." The women don't look very pleased about that. Johanna interviews that when she heard David was a cowboy, she thought it could have been Santa Claus as well. In other words, she didn't think cowboys really existed. The women talk amongst themselves, discussing the latest development. Tereza interviews that when she thinks of a cowboy, she thinks of a redneck riding a horse. She's not that far off. Johanna mimes riding a horse. Olinda interviews that cowboys are freaky. Kind of like her lips. Johanna lets us know that for Europeans, this is a joke. Well, it's pretty much a joke here in America too.
By Kim
Samantha laughs and tells the women that David's uncle is an oil tycoon, who made a fortune, and that he started a trust for his nephews. When David turns twenty-five, his trust fund matured, and now he's estimated to be worth $80 million. The banjo music starts up as the women gasp and smile. Cat interviews that the situation changed when they found out that the guy was rich. Oh, I just discovered that Alessia's dress is even worse than I thought. It says, "Cowgirl" across the front in gold letters. Alessia interviews that she loves cowboys because she is a cowgirl. One woman interviews that she wants a lifestyle where she can go shopping and her boyfriend will buy everything for her. So she wants to be a prostitute then. Samantha tells the women to enjoy some champagne and relax.
Paul starts pouring flutes of champagne while the woman chat and giggle. One woman says, "So, David. He's a cowboy." She mimes "cowboy" by swinging her arms back and forth. I'm not sure what that has to do with cowboys. Petra interviews that she's the kind of girl who wants diamonds and pearls, and adds, "Diamonds are a girl's best friends!" The woman toast to David and yell, "Howdy, partner!" Jerusha interview that the combination of David's cowboy nature and his inheritance is perfect. Olinda suggests that they dance, and the banjo music starts up again as she jigs around in her leopard-print leggings. You heard me. Leopard-print. Leggings. The women down the champagne and then have a group sing of the Dallas theme song. Can you blame them? They were told he was a cowboy who inherited a fortune in the oil business. I'm surprised they didn't make him say that his last name was Ewing. Linda interviews that she's never had much money, so this is something exotic for her. Paul voice-overs that there was a lot of excitement and a lot of drinking, and he thinks David might be in for more than he bargained for. Paul concludes, "Boy, those girls can drink." Good! It's more interesting that way.
The morning, the staff is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. They speak to each other in Italian, which is helpfully "translated" for us through subtitles. I seriously doubt that the staff was actually having this conversation, although it does crack me up that the producers obviously thought, "Hey, everyone loved the butler and his wisecracks last season! So let's add more staff to comment on the action!" The chef says that Paul needs to order more champagne. One maid says that the girls kept her up all night. Dirty! That would be a very different show, as well. Paul says that he likes to get an early start, but that the European girls like to stay up late and get up even later. Unlike American women, who are up at the crack of dawn. Also, why do they have to get up early? So they have more time to sit around and do nothing during daylight hours? Paul knocks on the bedroom doors. Olinda asks Peta for her sunglasses. Olinda interviews that Paul got them up early, and she was one of the first ones up, because she wanted to get something to eat to help with her hangover. Tereza interviews that they drank a lot of champagne. I'm fascinated by Tereza's job title, which is "assistant writer at magazine." What does an assistant writer do? I've heard of assistant editor, but assistant writer? How does she assist with the writing, exactly? At breakfast, Olinda smokes right at the table. Oh, those Europeans and their cigarettes. The women commiserate over their hangovers. Olinda says that she looks like a rock star, and she kind of does, but I'm not sure that's something to be proud of. She's also wearing tiny shorts and a shirt with no bra, so I now know way more about Olinda's nipples than I ever desired.
By Kim
The women decide to put their bathing suits on and swim in the pool. They all have bikinis. Linda interviews that none of them were expecting a cowboy, and that they thought he'd be a banker or a real estate agent. Real estate agent? One woman thinks David might be from Hollywood and not from Texas. Lina interviews that Texas makes her think about apple pie, spare ribs, and "small villages where everyone knows each other." Linda says that David will fall in love with her, and she'll "go to Texas and live on the ranch and eat the ranch dressing every day." Hee! I know the editors probably want us to think these women are dumb, but I think they know a lot more about our country than the average American knows about any of theirs. Linda wonders what a rodeo is, exactly. Karolina says that it's "a festival with horses." Linda asks if it's like a horse race, and Karolina asks if she's ever seen Charlie's Angels. Tereza interviews that her man doesn't have to be anyone special, and she just wants a man with passion for life, love, and her. See? Totally the new Zora. Linda asks what the point of the rodeo is. Karolina demonstrates how one rides a bucking bronco. Linda asks if it's a wild horse, and says that maybe you have to "manage a wild horse." Karolina thinks that's right. Olinda interviews that she saw a rodeo in Spain and you have to be pretty tough, because those horses are crazy. Olinda also thinks you have to be strong and quick on your feet.
David voice-overs that when he first meets the girls, he will be riding up on horseback, and he was really excited when he found out that he got to choose his horse. David puts a saddle on a white horse. I think it's one of the same horses that was pulling the carriage earlier. David mounts the horse, which starts bucking. David interviews that the handlers probably thought he was some random American in a cowboy hat, but he rides bucking horses for a living. David gets the horse to stop bucking and gallops around the ring. Am I supposed to be impressed? That is his job. That would be like me expecting people to be impressed because I wrote a sentence. David meets another horse, and rides it. David voice-overs, "Then they brought out a horse named Hurricane." David calls it "a good-looking palomino horse." You can practically see little hearts dancing over his head. David says that Hurricane definitely caught his eye. David rides Hurricane around the ring to the strains of triumphant music which I think it titled, "A Man And His Horse: True Love, But Not In Any Way That Might Be Illegal in Texas." David says that Hurricane is definitely his horse. He voice-overs that the ladies are probably expecting him to come in on a white horse like a prince, but he's not a prince, he's a cowboy. David adds that Hurricane is "a little rough around the edges," so he resembles David. Does Hurricane like to change his shirt a lot, too? David leads Hurricane off. Hurricane is like, "Neigh?" and David is like, "I love you too, baby." David tells Hurricane that he's excited, but that Hurricane shouldn't be nervous. Hurricane's like, "Shut up, hayseed. I mean, 'neigh.'"
By Kim
Meanwhile, the women are hanging out by the pool, cackling. Olinda tells a story about a man and his horse and the love that dare not speak its name. The women down some wine. Paul walks out. He voice-overs that he thought that, after the night, the women would take it easy, and he adds that they will be getting a surprise visit from David tomorrow. The women continue to drink and laugh. David just hangs out with Hurricane some more.
The staff prepares breakfast and has another totally not-scripted realistic conversation. The chef wonders how the women will react to David's visit. A maid asks what time he's supposed to arrive, and the chef says it will be at noon. It's 7:00 AM now. If they really wanted to make this interesting, they would have had David show up earlier. David gets out of bed and shaves, and then voice-overs that he has to look the women "straight in the eyes and not be honest." David puts on his best outfit to meet the women: a blue polo shirt, jeans, a giant belt buckle, and his cowboy hat. Fancy. He mounts Hurricane bareback. Dirty! David voice-overs that he's never told a lie this big in his life.
It's 8:00 AM at the villa. Paul knocks on the women's bedroom doors and tells them that breakfast is in half an hour. Anique interviews that she didn't want to get up at all. One woman asks for the lights to be turned off. Another one says that she won't be getting up at 8:00 AM every day. Yeah, especially when they have nothing to do. Most of the women wear sunglasses to breakfast. It looks like only about half of them made it downstairs. Olinda interviews that they've waited a long time, and they're Europeans, so they're not used to waiting. Wuh? Paul announces that the reason they had to get up early is because David wants to meet them before "this evening," and will be dropping by to introduce himself. Petra interviews that they were excited to meet David. One of the women does some sort of rap about Texas. I don't know. Petra interviews that Paul told them that they would meet David that afternoon, and that they had to get dressed.
It's 10:30 AM. The women are putting on makeup and doing their hair. Johanna interviews that she wonders if David is on his ranch all the time, or if he goes out clubbing. To all those clubs they have in rural Texas. Haven't these women seen Urban Cowboy? Anique interviews that she doesn't think it would be awkward to date a cowboy, because she's used to "hairy, smelly stuff."
David once again changes his shirt. But it's totally not an excuse to show off his body. The shirt is a turquoise button-down with a paisley pattern. It's as ugly as it sounds. Also, didn't he already get dressed once today? What happened to the polo shirt? The women primp some more, as David primps Hurricane. One women interviews that she's sure David will wear a cowboy hat. David puts a saddle on Hurricane. Lina interviews that she admires that someone is still a cowboy. During Lina's interview, there were a million crickets chirping in the background. What's up with that. More primping and makeup application. David put his hat on for about the millionth time. Which does he take off more, his hat or his shirt?
It's a quarter to noon. Paul leads the women out onto the front steps. Half of them are carrying purses. What for? Alessia is wearing her cowgirl shirt and Joey Potter-style low-cut jeans. Except she's about four Joey Potters. Which is probably healthy, but not really the best figure for those jeans. David rides Hurricane towards the villa. The women assemble on the front lawn. Olinda interviews that they were all waiting for their "Prince Charming." That just reminds me that no one has said fairy tale yet this season. David rides Hurricane some more. Linda interviews that they were wall waiting for the cowboy to arrive. Paul checks his watch. Yassamin says that they were just waiting. So were they waiting? Because I haven't gotten the vibe that they are waiting. I thought they were assembling for a game of Mother May I on the front lawn.
By Kim
Hey, guess what? The women are still waiting. Spaghetti Western music plays as the camera focuses on the front gate. Lina interviews that they were all excited that the man was a "millionaire cowboy," and that she thinks that it's both cool and funny. The clock strikes 12. David -- who has been waiting outside the gate -- rides in on Hurricane. The editors add in a fake neigh for good measure. The women can barely see David, because the sun is so bright. Good thing Alessia brought her fan to shield her eyes! David and Hurricane gallop down the long driveway. The women don't look that impressed. I think Alessia's fan is the equivalent of fucking Mojo's hat(s). David arrives and waves. Hurricane neighs a bunch of times, and David claims that it's a sign that he likes the women. David dismounts and awkwardly says that they are finally getting to meet. He takes off his cowboy hat and introduces himself and Hurricane. The women like the horse's name. David asks if they are enjoying Italy, and then tells them that they all look great. He's standing about twenty yards away from the women, so I can't believe that they can hear him very well. David says he stopped by to thank them for coming out to meet them. David is ill at ease, and Hurricane keeps shaking his mane. David tells the women that he wants them to feel at home, and that they should ask him for anything. David struggles to remember the speech he was fed by the producers, and lamely concludes, "We'll be seeing you all this evening!" Hurricane shakes his mane again, like, "Dude, I am so not going to that stupid dance tonight, so stop speaking for me. Also, neigh."
Petra interviews that David had a bright smile and he seemed shy, but she likes that. Alessia calls out to David that he should stay and hang out with them. David, terrified, gallops away on Hurricane. Run, David! Run! Cat interviews that the first thing she will ask David is why he needs to meet a girlfriend, since there are so many girls in America. Tereza interviews that David has "a nice ass." Ooh, girl! Zora never talked about Evan's ass! Jerusha interviews that she wonders about David's personality and how he will behave with fourteen women around, especially since they are from different cultures than he. She thinks they might "intimidate or frighten him." Based on his performance just now, I think Jerusha is right on the money. Linda interviews that she hoped they could introduce themselves, because until she shakes David's hand and looks in his eyes, she can't say much about him. Yes, and once she shakes his hand, she will know all. One of the women voice-overs, "My last name means 'poor,' but I'm sure that is going to change soon." Then they insert a super-cheesy voice-over of David going, "So how do you think it went, Hurricane?" And Hurricane goes, "Neeeeeigh!" I love Hurricane.
By Kim
Paul returns to say that this was just the beginning, and the question is whether or not David can stay firmly in the saddle. Paul promises that David is in for the ride of his life. So am I, given FOX's stupid two-episode-per-week schedule.