By Kim
First up is a recap of what happened when Evan chose Zora. Do you really think there is anyone watching this episode who didn't see the finale? That would be like people who've seen Grease 2 and never saw Grease. You only watch the second one in hopes that it might retain some of the magic of the first one. Which it totally doesn't, and the only reason for watching Grease 2 is to see Michelle Pfeiffer sing "Cool Rider." And now that song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. The announcer very seriously tells us that tonight, Evan and Zora will be reunited for the first time in three months. In a preview of things to come (or perhaps not, as we shall see), Zora says that she plans to use the money to help her family. Yeah, like she sold her jewels to help her family? The interviewer asks Evan what happened in the woods, and Evan just smiles. Then there's some footage of the non-winning women watching the finale, some casting tapes of men who weren't cast as Joe Millionaire, and a bit on Paul the butler. In other words, filler, filler, filler, one second of something interesting, filler, filler, filler, Evan and Zora reunited, filler, filler, filler, and lots of commercials in between.
Mastercheese Theater. Paul tells us that we still don't know what the future will hold for Evan and Zora, and adds that since leaving France, they haven't been allowed to see each other so that the final choice would remain a secret. But first, we get to find out what the other women have been up to, and where they were when they watched the finale. I wish Alison and Katy had been at my house. That would have been awesome. I might have even let fucking Mojo come if she promised to wear a special hat and then didn't mind if we kind of made fun of her about it but she knew we were just kidding. Sort of.
In an interview, Mojo says that "a bunch of us girls from the show reunited" and watched the final episode together in a bar. We see about twelve of the women sitting around watching a TV. The only ones I recognize are Gretchen, Dana, Katy, Melissa, Mojo, Dayana, Alison, Erica, and Amanda. Mojo starts listing off the people she was excited to see, and basically lists everyone who was there. The women watch anxiously as, on screen, Evan starts revealing his decision to Zora. Melissa remains quiet, even though she totally knows Evan's decision. I'm surprised the producers let her attend. When Evan tells Zora that he's chosen her, Alison and Dana scream and throw their hands up in the air. In an interview, Mojo says she thought Evan would pick Zora the whole time. Katy looks pleased. In an interview, Melissa says tightly that she was happy for Zora, and that she thinks Zora and Evan are a good match. Her tone indicates that she was struggling for something diplomatic to say. And since Melissa has dissed Evan for being dumb numerous times since she left the chateau, it's not exactly a compliment when she says that Evan and Zora are a good match. It's like when your friend has on a really ugly outfit and you have to say something like, "It's certainly...colorful!" or "You seem to enjoy wearing it!" Not that I've ever done that, any friends of mine who might be reading. You always look great. In an interview, Katie says that Zora is genuine and could probably do better than Evan. "Probably"? Did Mojo give Katie fashion advice? Because she's wearing a rust-colored newsboy cap. She's like Katie from the block all of a sudden.
On the TV screen, Evan starts to tell Zora that he's not rich. Alison calls out, "Oh, really? That's shocking. Oh, she's got more patience than I ever imagined." See? We could definitely be friends! We both talk back to the television. When Evan says that he doesn't have $50 million, Alison guesses, "Paul is the real millionaire." Do these women really not know the twist? I can't believe word didn't spread like wildfire once filming was completed. In an interview, Alison says that because of all the lies he told, she would want to "drop [Evan] like a bad habit." From all indications, that's what Zora did.
By Kim
On the screen, Sarah walks into the salon to meet with Evan. The women watch with rapt attention. They all laugh when Evan says "neat" and then groan at how poorly Evan is handling the situation. Melissa looks like she's about to cry. Evan pauses for about ten minutes and Alison yells out, "Spit it out!" Yeah, that's what Evan said to Sarah in the woods. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Everyone laughs at Sarah's reaction when Evan reveals his true financial status. In an interview, Mojo says she thinks Sarah was "a little more money-motivated than Zora." Melissa still seriously looks like she's going to cry. When Sarah asks if Evan thought she cared about the money, Erica yells out, "Uh huh!" Melissa turns and chides, "That's not nice!" I kind of admire Melissa for standing up for her friend, but it's not like Melissa was known for her generous and non-judgmental comments throughout her tenure in the chateau. On screen, Evan tells Sarah that he hasn't chosen her. The women are quiet. Tears well up in Melissa's eyes. In an interview, Melissa says that Sarah is a survivor and that she'll be fine, because she's coming away from the experience with a friend.
Now the women are watching the part where Zora and Evan are in the ballroom. In an interview, Katy says that she thinks Evan redeemed himself by seeming likeable, when he wasn't before. , the women watch Evan and Zora get the million dollars. No one screams or anything, so I'm guessing they already knew about that part. They seem a lot less surprised about "the twist" than they did when Evan chose Zora. In a series of interviews, Mojo says it was great that Evan got a surprise too, and that his reaction was priceless. Katy says that Evan had "this genuine good-guy moment" where he seemed shocked. Amanda says that everyone wanted to know what the twist was, and she was mad that Evan got a million dollars. Melissa says that Zora will do good things with that money. Like bathe Third World children? Oh my God, I just saw that Mojo has on an olive green top and then one olive green wristband. Just one. That is so awesome. The women watch as Zora and Evan dance together on the screen. They all look delighted. Of course, the editors could have taken these reaction shots from any point in the evening, so who knows? In an interview, Mojo says it was beautiful and that she hopes the relationship works out. In an interview, Katy says she really thought it would be awful, but that it was actually nice. In an interview, Melissa says that she wasn't that surprised by the ending, because she knew there would be a twist, and a happy ending.
By Kim
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that we now know how the other women feel about the ending, but not how America felt, so Alison, Melissa, and Mojo took to the streets to find out.
The three women head to Melrose Avenue and do man-on-the-street interviews about the show. They're not all that interesting, so I'll just run down the highlights. One dude tells Alison that she was his favorite. Another dude kisses Mojo right on the lips. Melissa runs into some guy who is a huge fan of the show and is thrilled to be talking to her. One girl thinks Evan should have picked Sarah. Melissa asks a woman her definition of a gold-digger, and she answers, "Um, Sarah?" That was awesome. Melissa gets upset but laughs it off. One guy thinks Zora looks like a superhero. Everyone loves Zora because she's sweet and genuine. One guy thinks there's no way Evan and Zora are still together, but another women thinks they'll probably end up getting married. Come on. Are there people out there who really think that?
Paul returns and introduces a segment on the search for a man to be Joe Millionaire. Tyler Ramsey, Casting Director, really needs a raise because that Western denim shirt he's wearing is really dirty and frayed. Like, the dude knew he was going to be on TV and he couldn't put on a decent shirt? Anyway, Tyler says that they were looking for someone who was charming, handsome, and broke. And they somehow ended up with Evan? I didn't find him particularly charming or handsome. Also, Tyler forgot to mention the unspoken fourth criterion: a guy who was willing to look like an asshole on national television. Tyler says they found plenty of guys who were single and broke, but had a hard time finding one who was also charming. This introduces the Montage of Losers. The first dude says he likes a good rack on a woman. Another guy thinks that "good women are like parking spaces; all the good ones are taken and the rest are all handicapped." Wow, with attitudes like that, I can't believe those two are still single. Tyler says they were way behind schedule in finding Joe. They had the chateau, the women, and the butler, but no Joe, so they almost cancelled the whole production. But then they found Evan. Tyler says that Evan was tall, good-looking, extremely charming, and really wanted to find a girl who would love him for who he was. In his audition tape, Evan says that he doesn't like to lie to women. Tyler says that they stuck Evan on a plane and crossed their fingers. Then there's a montage of various women from the show talking about how charming Evan was. Tyler says that Evan worked out perfectly. Except the flip-flops. That was definitely a mistake.
By Kim
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that if someone had told him that he would be involved in a reality show, he would have thought they were crazy, but now he gets to tell his side of the story. In an interview, Paul says that his life has changed. Montage of Paul on various entertainment television shows. Paul says he's enjoying it and that people get a kick out of meeting him. Paul says that his son's friends think he's cool. Montage of the women from the show talking about how much they loved Paul. At one point, Paul walks into a room filled with women and they all yell out his name, so he responds, "Who's your daddy?" Hee. Okay, that was funny. Paul voice-overs that he's a real butler, which means he's a senior executive and gets paid accordingly. He had just finished an assignment and got a call from the butler's guild to go to France. Man, how cool is it that there's a butler's guild? I want to hang out in their lounge. I bet all the butlers sit around and talk about how ridiculous their employers' requests are. It would be like The Nanny Diaries but for butlers.
Paul says that it was a bit overwhelming at first because the women were screaming and yelling about their bags and their contact lens solution and their birth control pills. He says that he sometimes felt like the parent at a fifteen-year-old's pajama party. Montage of the women calling for him. Paul says that some of the women tried to take advantage by asking him for everything. It's mostly Sarah who is making demands. Paul says that they were lucky to have an "accomplished French chef," and none of the women seemed to appreciate the food. They show some really limp-looking green beans. I'm sure the chef was good, but it's really difficult to make good food in large quantities, and it looks like they're mostly eating buffet-style. Paul makes fun of the way the women ate and drank. Dana complains about a salad with goat cheese, which is funny since Alison ripped on Evan for not liking goat cheese. Goat cheese appears to be a polarizing issue on this show. Forget the war with Iraq. How do you feel about goat cheese? So the theme of that segment was, "The women were uncultured brats."
Paul says that when he met Evan, he was puzzled about why Evan would have to go to such extremes to meet a woman. That banjo music starts up. Evan says that Paul reminds him of his dad, because he's kind and sweet, and he's a man's man. Paul says that Evan did talk to him about his final decision, and that Paul just served as a sounding board. Paul thinks that Evan made the right choice, because Evan was attracted to Zora from the beginning. How sad is it that Paul got, like, a third of the show devoted to him and Alex is neither shown nor mentioned in this episode? Man, the producers must hate her. Also, I'm kind of over Paul. He was fun and all, but a little Paul goes a long way.
By Kim
Now it's time for Evan's solo interview. And his interviewer is...Mark Walberg? From Temptation Island? I hate this guy! Evan, as usual, didn't bother dressing up and is wearing worn jeans, sneakers, and a pullover. I'm all for comfort, but it's not like he didn't know he'd be on television and might want to spiff it up. Mark asks Evan how he feels about his newfound fame. Evan says that it is a total shock, and that he can't even go into a grocery store anymore. Montage of Evan's media coverage, which was extensive. Mark brings up Evan's appearances on Live with Regis and Kelly, and we get to see some footage of one of those interviews, which I saw and was actually pretty funny because Regis kept calling him "Joe." Evan says he thought he would pass out before going on stage, and then says that he thinks Kelly is cute, and that he likes the tattoo on her ankle. Mark asks Evan what he'll do if this fame is fleeting. "If"? Maybe he should have asked what Evan will do when he's back to being a nobody, albeit one who still gets recognized in the grocery store. Evan says that it'll be like a storm came through.
Mark brings up Evan's lack of money. Evan says that he lived in a two-bedroom apartment, but he couldn't afford a bed so he slept on the couch. Okay, first of all, why not get a studio and use the extra money to buy a bed? And second of all, a futon costs less than a hundred dollars, so whatever Mr. Sob Story. Evan runs through all the jobs he's had. Mark asks what Evan's parents wanted him to do. Evan says his father just wanted him to be happy and his mother wanted him to go to college. Mark asks what his parents think about the whole thing. Evan says his mom loves it and his dad is overwhelmed.
Mark asks how the producers found him in the first place. Evan says it was through a guy he met at a Christmas party. Mark asks when Evan found out he had to pretend to be a millionaire. Evan says it was a few days before he left. It wasn't in the contract? Or did he only sign the contract a few days before he left? Evan says he hoped to just go in and be himself. He doesn't say, but the captioning continues, that he hoped the fact that he supposedly inherited the money just wouldn't come up. Hmm, I wonder why they cut that line. Did they think it would make Evan look dumb(er)? Mark tells a little story about how he felt watching Evan meet the women, like, shut up, Mark Walberg. No one cares what you think. Mark asks which woman was the biggest whiner. Evan pauses and then says that the whole world hates Heidi. We get to see a Heidi montage where she discusses her constipation issues and tries to teach the other women some French. Heidi fascinates me. She's so deluded. Mark asks if the hatred for Heidi is misplaced and Evan tries to give a diplomatic answer. Mark brings up Mojo , and Evan replies, "Mojo and those damn hats." Shout-out! Mark reminds Evan that Mojo really liked him. Evan says that the poem bothered him and that it was too much too fast.
By Kim
Mark says he saw a sexual chemistry with Evan and Sarah, and brings up the romp in the woods. Except they don't actually show the part from the preview where Mark was like, "Take me into the woods." Damn. Evan says he doesn't remember Sarah gulping. See? I told you he told her to spit it out. Mark brings up Zora. Evan says that Zora is "a really sweet girl who cares a lot about others," and that she's honest. Mark says that Evan and Zora are both "insanely famous." Yes, for another ten minutes or so. Evan thinks that Zora has more class in her pinky than most people have in their whole bodies. Evan adds that Zora was sincere and genuine. And that's it for Evan! Wow, that was boring.
Zora gets a solo interview with Mark. She really didn't dress up either. What's with the jeans? Mark tells Zora that she was the favorite, and Zora says she had a lot of supporters. Mark takes Zora back to the final episode when she danced with Evan. Zora smiles wide. Is he going to ask any interesting questions, or is he just going to ask questions that will setup a flashback of footage we've already seen about three times at this point? I'm only recapping the questions that actually provide us with new information. Zora agrees that she was a relatively private person before this, and now people want autographs and pictures and she doesn't understand why. Mark asks if she's seen the bad side of fame. Zora says that stalkers and the tabloids aren't great. Mark mentions that Zora was thinking about selling some jewelry to help relatives, and Zora says she still plans to help them. Like she's going to say, "No, they can fuck right off. I'm rich!" Zora says that she was more reserved and didn't want to get caught up in the competition with the other women. Mark asks her who was playing the game the hardest, and Zora says that Sarah was. Zora says that she likes Sarah. Mark asks how Zora felt about Sarah's fetish films. Zora says she wouldn't have done them, but she doesn't hold it against Sarah or judge her for it. Mark wonders how Sarah took the news that Zora got money. How in the hell is Zora supposed to answer that? I would say, "You'll have to ask Sarah."
Mark asks what Zora's first impression of Evan was. Zora thought Evan was nervous, but had a genuine smile. Then for like the tenth time we see the footage of Evan unable to mount his horse. Sigh. Zora thinks that Evan is a goofball who likes silly things and she found that charming. Zora thinks Evan is considerate, because when she was uncomfortable in her bathing suit he told her to get over it. Wuh? How is that being considerate? Mark says that when Evan told Zora the truth, her face changed. Zora says she actually felt relieved to find out Evan was an average guy, which she knows sounds odd. Man, every time they show that footage of Zora and Evan getting the money, I just can't believe how bad Zora's hair was. Zora says she's still in shock about the money. Mark asks how the fairy tale ends and Zora just laughs. Mark says it's time to bring in Evan, but actually, first it's time for another commercial break.
By Kim
This is the moment that they keep telling us we've all been waiting for. I've only been waiting for it because it signals the end of the episode. Evan walks into the room in slow motion and he and Zora hug. Then they sit down on the loveseat like ten feet away from each other. Yeah, they're so in love. Zora keep asking Evan if it's weird to see each other and he never really answers. Mark says that everyone wants to know their relationship status. Zora says she got a bunch of emails asking her if she was Mrs. Marriott. Neither of them actually answers the question, though. Mark wants Evan to talk about why he chose Zora over the others. Evan says he knew right away that she would make it to the end, and even a tabloid had a picture of their wedding. I actually bought that issue just for that story. I'm that dedicated to this show! Evan says it's funny that America saw that Zora was the right one from the beginning. Evan says he kept telling Zora to unpack and she wouldn't. Mark asks Zora what she liked about Evan. Zora says Evan is an individual, and she saw a different side to him than people who watched the show did. Zora thinks Evan is an average guy, but that there's a lot more going on.
Mark asks what was their favorite moment together in France. Zora says that the horseback riding was cool, and then they both start laughing about the fact that they felt comfortable enough together to pee outside. Ah, yes. Our first pee. I have a page in my scrapbook devoted to the first time my husband and I...oh wait, we never did that. Because it's totally gross and unromantic. They go on and on about the peeing for, like, ten minutes. Mark thinks Evan and Zora have "undeniable chemistry." Evan says they shared the experience together, but now it's time to see if they can have a relationship outside the show, since they haven't tried that. Note that he doesn't actually say that they will do this. Zora says it's difficult to find chemistry with anyone. Then they play the fairy-tale music while Zora tosses her hair. Zora says she looks forward to just hanging out with Evan and having a beer. Zora and Evan walk out together as the fairy-tale music continues. Various women come on screen and talk about how much they love Zora and how Evan made the right choice. The camera guys pay Evan and Zora off (again) to hold hands as they walk out. We close on a shot of Evan and Zora dancing together in the ballroom. So I notice that Mark never outright asked them if they plan on staying together or what. Paul returns to talk about how Evan and Zora were in love, which is a bunch of crap. Why do they have to pretend Evan and Zora love each other, when they both went on various talk shows that week and admitted that they're not together? So dumb.
By Kim
So that's it for this show, unless FOX somehow figures out how to do another season, which they've been claiming they will do. We'll see about that. I just wanted to thank the people who've read these recaps and emailed me or posted in the forums. I've been recapping for the site for four years and recapped many, many shows and I got the nicest responses by far from this one. So thanks for reading and thanks for enjoying!