By Kim
Suddenly, it's two hours later. What in the hell were they doing for two hours? Because David is still sitting in exactly the same spot. I'm starting to think that they are just randomly claiming various times to make it seem like the day is moving along. That's time-stamp abuse! Paul is giving David a lecture about the various countries of origin of the fourteen women. David is actually taking notes. Hee! The most ridiculous part is that Paul tells David the capital of each country. Why would David need to know that? Does that really come up in general conversation on dates? "You have beautiful eyes. They remind me of the lights found in Rome, the capital city of your country, Italy." David asks, "Where's Dutch again?" Paul points out Holland. David responds, "That's where they wear the wooden shoes." Paul rolls his eyes. Hey, at least he didn't bring up dikes.
Again with the time stamp. Now it's allegedly 10:30 AM. Paul is still pointing things out on the map. Paul asks if David has been to Europe before. David answers, "No, sir," and Paul reminds him to say, "No, Paul." Paul teaches David how to say hello and goodbye in each of the women's native languages. Paul explains to David how to say "ciao," and then asks again what it means. David responds sheepishly, "Not for sure. Food?" Oh, he is not very smart. With Evan, I didn't feel bad about making fun of him, because he was just smart enough that I felt he should know better. I don't get that vibe from David. Paul continues going through various languages with David, who writes them all down. Then they practice saying them to each other. Paul asks if David can handle it, and David says, "Yes, sir." Paul waits for David to correct himself, and they edit in about ten minutes of footage of David looking stupid, which I'm sure wasn't difficult to find. Finally, David remembers and says, "Yes, Paul." David isn't sure he'll be able to remember all this. Paul quizzes him, and David actually gets the answer right.
It's allegedly noon. Some on-screen text says, "Meanwhile, at a spa near the villa..." I have to point out that the font they are using for the on-screen text is not horrible in and of itself (I mean it could be Comic Sans, which is a crime against nature), but they insist on typing everything in all caps. And it's a script font, so it just looks dumb and is difficult to read. The whole point of a script font is that it flows together and looks like cursive, which it doesn't do when you use all-caps. Bitches. Anyway, the fourteen women are swimming in the pool in their bikinis. Then they're suddenly packing up their suitcases. Anique, twenty-one, from the Netherlands, says that the women were all very excited to go to the villa and meet the mystery man. She adds that all the other women were hoping he would look like Lenny Kravitz, but she was hoping he would look like Keanu Reeves. Oh, dear. They are in for a great deal of disappointment. Meanwhile, David is driving a tractor. What? Why is he driving a tractor at the villa? That was a strange choice of footage to use to illustrate that he doesn't look like Lenny Kravitz or Keanu Reeves. Olinda, twenty-six, from Sweden, has a very shiny face and must be lying about her age, because she looks like she's had at least one facelift, and who needs a facelift at twenty-six? She hopes that David will be funny and "a true gentleman, I guess, like James Bond-type or something." Cut to David, letting his Jack Russell Terrier (not) lick his face. Because James Bond hates dogs? Again, not really understanding the illustrative clip they used there. Johanna, twenty-one from Germany, has really big and bouncy boobs, which she shows off to full effect in a strappy tank top. She says she doesn't have preconceived notions, except that she thinks he will be tan, blond, and really muscular. Finally, an illustrative clip that makes sense, as they show David standing in the sun without a shirt.
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