Joe Millionaire S01E09

First up is a recap of what happened when Evan chose Zora. Do you really think there is anyone watching this episode who didn't see the finale? That would be like people who've seen Grease 2 and never saw Grease. You only watch the second one in hopes that it might retain some of the magic of the first one. Which it totally doesn't, and the only reason for watching Grease 2 is to see Michelle Pfeiffer sing "Cool Rider." And now that song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. The announcer very seriously tells us that tonight, Evan and Zora will be reunited for the first time in three months. In a preview of things to come (or perhaps not, as we shall see), Zora says that she plans to use the money to help her family. Yeah, like she sold her jewels to help her family? The interviewer asks Evan what happened in the woods, and Evan just smiles. Then there's some footage of the non-winning women watching the finale, some casting tapes of men who weren't cast as Joe Millionaire, and a bit on Paul the butler. In other words, filler, filler, filler, one second of something interesting, filler, filler, filler, Evan and Zora reunited, filler, filler, filler, and lots of commercials in between.

Mastercheese Theater. Paul tells us that we still don't know what the future will hold for Evan and Zora, and adds that since leaving France, they haven't been allowed to see each other so that the final choice would remain a secret. But first, we get to find out what the other women have been up to, and where they were when they watched the finale. I wish Alison and Katy had been at my house. That would have been awesome. I might have even let fucking Mojo come if she promised to wear a special hat and then didn't mind if we kind of made fun of her about it but she knew we were just kidding. Sort of.

In an interview, Mojo says that "a bunch of us girls from the show reunited" and watched the final episode together in a bar. We see about twelve of the women sitting around watching a TV. The only ones I recognize are Gretchen, Dana, Katy, Melissa, Mojo, Dayana, Alison, Erica, and Amanda. Mojo starts listing off the people she was excited to see, and basically lists everyone who was there. The women watch anxiously as, on screen, Evan starts revealing his decision to Zora. Melissa remains quiet, even though she totally knows Evan's decision. I'm surprised the producers let her attend. When Evan tells Zora that he's chosen her, Alison and Dana scream and throw their hands up in the air. In an interview, Mojo says she thought Evan would pick Zora the whole time. Katy looks pleased. In an interview, Melissa says tightly that she was happy for Zora, and that she thinks Zora and Evan are a good match. Her tone indicates that she was struggling for something diplomatic to say. And since Melissa has dissed Evan for being dumb numerous times since she left the chateau, it's not exactly a compliment when she says that Evan and Zora are a good match. It's like when your friend has on a really ugly outfit and you have to say something like, "It's certainly...colorful!" or "You seem to enjoy wearing it!" Not that I've ever done that, any friends of mine who might be reading. You always look great. In an interview, Katie says that Zora is genuine and could probably do better than Evan. "Probably"? Did Mojo give Katie fashion advice? Because she's wearing a rust-colored newsboy cap. She's like Katie from the block all of a sudden.

On the TV screen, Evan starts to tell Zora that he's not rich. Alison calls out, "Oh, really? That's shocking. Oh, she's got more patience than I ever imagined." See? We could definitely be friends! We both talk back to the television. When Evan says that he doesn't have $50 million, Alison guesses, "Paul is the real millionaire." Do these women really not know the twist? I can't believe word didn't spread like wildfire once filming was completed. In an interview, Alison says that because of all the lies he told, she would want to "drop [Evan] like a bad habit." From all indications, that's what Zora did.

On the screen, Sarah walks into the salon to meet with Evan. The women watch with rapt attention. They all laugh when Evan says "neat" and then groan at how poorly Evan is handling the situation. Melissa looks like she's about to cry. Evan pauses for about ten minutes and Alison yells out, "Spit it out!" Yeah, that's what Evan said to Sarah in the woods. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Everyone laughs at Sarah's reaction when Evan reveals his true financial status. In an interview, Mojo says she thinks Sarah was "a little more money-motivated than Zora." Melissa still seriously looks like she's going to cry. When Sarah asks if Evan thought she cared about the money, Erica yells out, "Uh huh!" Melissa turns and chides, "That's not nice!" I kind of admire Melissa for standing up for her friend, but it's not like Melissa was known for her generous and non-judgmental comments throughout her tenure in the chateau. On screen, Evan tells Sarah that he hasn't chosen her. The women are quiet. Tears well up in Melissa's eyes. In an interview, Melissa says that Sarah is a survivor and that she'll be fine, because she's coming away from the experience with a friend.

Now the women are watching the part where Zora and Evan are in the ballroom. In an interview, Katy says that she thinks Evan redeemed himself by seeming likeable, when he wasn't before. , the women watch Evan and Zora get the million dollars. No one screams or anything, so I'm guessing they already knew about that part. They seem a lot less surprised about "the twist" than they did when Evan chose Zora. In a series of interviews, Mojo says it was great that Evan got a surprise too, and that his reaction was priceless. Katy says that Evan had "this genuine good-guy moment" where he seemed shocked. Amanda says that everyone wanted to know what the twist was, and she was mad that Evan got a million dollars. Melissa says that Zora will do good things with that money. Like bathe Third World children? Oh my God, I just saw that Mojo has on an olive green top and then one olive green wristband. Just one. That is so awesome. The women watch as Zora and Evan dance together on the screen. They all look delighted. Of course, the editors could have taken these reaction shots from any point in the evening, so who knows? In an interview, Mojo says it was beautiful and that she hopes the relationship works out. In an interview, Katy says she really thought it would be awful, but that it was actually nice. In an interview, Melissa says that she wasn't that surprised by the ending, because she knew there would be a twist, and a happy ending.

Mark brings up Evan's lack of money. Evan says that he lived in a two-bedroom apartment, but he couldn't afford a bed so he slept on the couch. Okay, first of all, why not get a studio and use the extra money to buy a bed? And second of all, a futon costs less than a hundred dollars, so whatever Mr. Sob Story. Evan runs through all the jobs he's had. Mark asks what Evan's parents wanted him to do. Evan says his father just wanted him to be happy and his mother wanted him to go to college. Mark asks what his parents think about the whole thing. Evan says his mom loves it and his dad is overwhelmed.

Mark asks how the producers found him in the first place. Evan says it was through a guy he met at a Christmas party. Mark asks when Evan found out he had to pretend to be a millionaire. Evan says it was a few days before he left. It wasn't in the contract? Or did he only sign the contract a few days before he left? Evan says he hoped to just go in and be himself. He doesn't say, but the captioning continues, that he hoped the fact that he supposedly inherited the money just wouldn't come up. Hmm, I wonder why they cut that line. Did they think it would make Evan look dumb(er)? Mark tells a little story about how he felt watching Evan meet the women, like, shut up, Mark Walberg. No one cares what you think. Mark asks which woman was the biggest whiner. Evan pauses and then says that the whole world hates Heidi. We get to see a Heidi montage where she discusses her constipation issues and tries to teach the other women some French. Heidi fascinates me. She's so deluded. Mark asks if the hatred for Heidi is misplaced and Evan tries to give a diplomatic answer. Mark brings up Mojo , and Evan replies, "Mojo and those damn hats." Shout-out! Mark reminds Evan that Mojo really liked him. Evan says that the poem bothered him and that it was too much too fast.

Mark says he saw a sexual chemistry with Evan and Sarah, and brings up the romp in the woods. Except they don't actually show the part from the preview where Mark was like, "Take me into the woods." Damn. Evan says he doesn't remember Sarah gulping. See? I told you he told her to spit it out. Mark brings up Zora. Evan says that Zora is "a really sweet girl who cares a lot about others," and that she's honest. Mark says that Evan and Zora are both "insanely famous." Yes, for another ten minutes or so. Evan thinks that Zora has more class in her pinky than most people have in their whole bodies. Evan adds that Zora was sincere and genuine. And that's it for Evan! Wow, that was boring.