By Kim
The first segment is a preview of Evan's choice and "the heart-stopping twist," but since I've already recapped that episode, I'm just going to skip that. Instead, we get "an explosive look" behind the scenes at the women of Joe Millionaire. Or should that be "at the women we could somehow entice into showing up because they weren't happy with their first fifteen minutes of fame."
Mastercheese Theater. Paul acknowledges that people were pissed about the episode, which was kind of ballsy of the producers, but what do they have to lose? It's a case of "Ask first, apologize later." Paul promises that the women have a lot to say about their time in the chateau. This leads into a montage of interviews with various women saying that "it's hard to be around twenty beautiful women" and "women tend to be catty and bitchy." I would just like to state for the record how disappointed I am in womankind lately on reality shows. From this show, to The Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes to Survivor Amazon, it seems like women have been trying their hardest to confirm every stereotype that we're catty jealous helpless backstabbers, each of whom is worthless without a man. I keep trying to tell myself that they aren't representative of all women -- they're representative of the type of woman who would go on a reality show in the first place. But would some reality-show participant please just break a sex stereotype soon, before I go insane? Be generous. Be down-to-earth. Don't whine about the hardships. Just do what needs to be done. Is that so much to ask?
Anyway, first we get to hear from Dana, the tall blonde who looks like a cross between Uma Thurman and Big Bird. She admits that the fell for Evan's story, even though she was thinking it didn't seem real. But she told herself to shut up (and there's something she and I have in common -- I have told her to shut up many times) and just went with it. Dana admits that she's drawn to tell men, and that Evan met the description. Flashback to Evan riding up to the chateau on the horse to greet the women for the first time. Dana says that Evan seemed like someone she'd like to get to know. Then there's this totally stupid timeline of Dana's life, like, was anyone staying up nights wondering where Dana was born? No, no one was. Dana was a homecoming queen, and that's why she's "such a girly girl now." Dana was surprised that she wasn't chosen to stay, especially since everyone told her she would be. She doesn't think Evan was intimidated by her beauty, which is good, because I don't think she's all that beautiful. Then again, Evan is intimidated by words with more than three syllables, so it doesn't take much. Dana thinks Evan may have been intimidated by her brain. Well, Evan doesn't have one, so maybe he was more jealous than intimidated. Dana thinks that if Evan couldn't see how great she is, then he's the one missing out.
By Kim
up is Mary. You remember Mary. Oh, you don't? She was the Asian girl with long hair. That's about all I remember of her, anyway. Mary says she learned that you can't take yourself or reality television too seriously. Well, that's always a danger for me. I definitely take reality television very seriously. Hee! Mary thinks that she might have made a blunder in wearing sunglasses to the ballroom. Oh, now I remember her and her shitty sunglasses. Mary thinks that if Evan knew about her sense of humor, he would have kept her around. Unless her sense of humor involves lots of dick and fart jokes, I don't think Evan would have cared. Mary reveals that she has a great personality, and that she's a hula-hoop champion. We get to see her hula-hooping. Mary considers herself a New Yorker even though she grew up in New Jersey. Then we get to see her walking down the mean streets of Manhattan wearing knee-high boots, a short skirt, and a black tube top. Look, I am all about expressing your individuality and such, but that just doesn't seem practical. And my mother would probably say she looks like a hooker. My mom's judgmental like that. Kidding, Mom! Mary says she feels like "an oddball geek inside who does zany things and doesn't really care what people think." If she doesn't care what people think, why did she agree to this interview to set the record straight? Just let it go. Mary says that if Evan is into hula-hoopers (and who's not, really?), he's missing out. We end with another shot of Mary working the hula hoop, and I haven't seen skill like that since Erin Moran on the opening credits of Happy Days.
Hey, it's my second best friend, Katy. Remember, I said if things didn't work out with me and Alison (call me!), then I would move on to Katy? Anyway, Katy says she's very honest and straightforward. Katy wins my heart again by saying, "People who think that you can go on a reality show and think it's going to change your life or make your career better are morons to begin with, because it doesn't." Thank you! That's what I've been saying all along. I can somewhat empathize with the people who go on reality shows that are contests, because maybe you want to win some money. But the people who go on shows like this one or The Real World are just deluded in general. Anyway, I'm off the soapbox. For now. Katy says that she didn't want to compete with the other women, and that if a guy isn't attracted to her, that's okay. Katy doesn't think Evan was a very good liar. Flashback to when Mojo asked Evan his middle name and he stammered and stuttered for, like, ten minutes. Katy wonders why Evan (and by extension, the producers) would create such a false environment and brings up the waltzing thing as an example. She says she doesn't care if someone knows how to waltz, and in fact, "at the end of the day if you wanna waltz with [her], [she's] gonna freak out." Amen, sister. Katy wants a guy who wants to sit and have a beer and watch the game with her. Katy says she's an assistant to a producer. Hmm, I wonder where she works? Interesting. Katy says she doesn't care how much money a guy makes, but she wants a guy to be funny. Seriously. Katy and I are like twins of the mind.
By Kim
Now we get to talk to Katie, who has an -ie ending. She's the Katie I didn't like -- the doctor. Anyway, she says she never questioned whether Evan inherited the money, and that it was cool to hear that he had. Katie continues, "That's obviously appealing to women. Come on! I mean, we're women." Ugh. Shut up, Katie! Who elected you to speak for the sex? All my old anger towards her is rushing back. Katie says it wasn't until the train date that she saw more of Evan's personality. She knew he wasn't white-collar and she started thinking they wouldn't connect. Katie talks about how she was born in Saigon and emigrated at three, and now she's a pediatrician. She gets paranoid because she's a professional and she hopes people won't judge her doctoring abilities based on her participation on the show. Katie says there's nothing saying you can't be fun and flirty and smart and career-oriented as well. That's true, but there is something (me) saying that you can't be on this show and expect anyone to take you seriously ever again. Katie says that the show produced no epiphanies, but that it was a fun experience.
Amanda might move into my third best friend slot because she starts right out by saying that she thinks Evan likes big breasts. Suddenly the music is all banjo-picking country, like, thing you know, Amanda is going to call the hogs in for their evening slop. Amanda says that the final five were all "big boobie girls and more power to him." Amanda points out that Evan was definitely judging them by looks, because he always gave that as his reasons for keeping particular women around. Amanda wishes Evan had got to know her better because she was open to the possibilities and thought it could be "a nice, romantic bizarre story." Okay, she had me and she lost me. She still wishes she had hooked up with Evan? Knowing what she knows now? We're through. Amanda says it sucked to say goodbye, and that it was a blow to her ego when it happened, and again when she watched it on TV. Amanda doesn't think breast size is a good way to pick your romantic partner. And yet millions of shallow men (and shallow lesbians, I guess) do it every day. We continue Amanda's segment with a boob montage. Boobs, boobs, boobs! And then we get Evan staring with his mouth open, practically drooling. Okay that was funny. And kind of a shout-out, since I harped on the boob thing in recaps. Shut up, I'm claiming it. I know it had nothing to do with me. Humor me. Amanda says she likes to think she's a good catch. She's a flight attendant and loves to travel. She wants "a permanent buddy to travel the world with." What is this, Amanda's dating service? Move on!
Oh, Dayana. Remember Dayana? She hated her purple dress and wore inappropriately tight clothing? Dayana says she expected to meet her Prince Charming and instead she met Evan. Ooh, Dayana brings the snark. I have to believe that line was scripted for her. Dayana thought Evan was really cute in a dorky way. When she met Evan for the first time at the ball, she was more worried about her purple dress, which she hated. Which I still don't get, because it's a decent dress. It's not great, but frankly, it's better than the dress Zora wore at the end of the show. Dayana thinks the dress selection was horrible. Let's not pretend the producers didn't just go to David's Bridal and buy everything off the clearance rack. Dayana continues to talk about her stupid dress, like, get over it! It was one dress you wore one day! Dayana, at home, laces on some skates and rolls down the sidewalk as she voice-overs that she likes unique clothes. Yeah, if by "unique," you mean "skimpy." Girlfriend is wearing a tight low-cut cut-off top and pink terrycloth short shorts. I have never seen one ass crack so well defined. Dayana likes clothes that are tight, short, and fit well. Don't get me wrong -- she's got a great body. I just didn't need to know what she looks like naked, and now I do. Dayana says she's an only child raised by her father, and admits that she's a daddy's girl, because he gives he whatever she wants. Dayana says she's a princess as she drives off down the street, and then turns and winks at the camera. Oh, no. There's no winking at the camera. It would have been cool if she just raised one eyebrow like Gabrielle Union in Bring It On. That is a bad-ass move. But winking? Hell, no.
By Kim
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that our first set of girls is gone but not forgotten, and promises that coming up we get to check in with Alison, Melissa, and Mojo. I, for one, cannot wait.
It's time for the fairy-tale montage, which features various women saying the words "fairy tale" in interviews. Come on, this is totally a shout-out. Right? Right? Hello? Bueller? Okay, I counted, and the phrase was uttered a total of seventeen times in about two minutes. Awesome. Paul returns to say that every fairy tale comes to an end, and then introduces Alison, Melissa, and Mojo.
Yay! Alison! I know this world is killing you, but my aim is true. It's like Alison and I were meant to be best friends because "Alison" by Elvis Costello is my all-time favorite song. Anyway, Alison opens by saying that it all went terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, it did. They start playing a song that I think is from Bizet's Carmen as opposed to Beyonce Knowles's Carmen. Cut to Alison lying on a bed saying that continental breakfast is horseshit. Hee! Then there's a montage of Alison just looking disgusted in every situation she was in. Hee! They start up with banjo-picking again, in order to show Alison in Manhattan. Wuh? Alison grew up in upstate New York! I live in upstate New York! It was so meant to be. Alison says she loves the city's diversity as we see her meeting the Naked Cowboy, a busker in Times Square. Alison doesn't go out searching for love, especially since being on the show, because that didn't pan out so well. Alison says that Evan was not her dream come true, and brings up how she had no interest in him on their date. Alison didn't like how close-minded he was, especially about the food. This could be a problem in my friendship with Alison, because I'm not all that adventurous about food. But I won't whine and complain about it like Evan does! I promise! Flashback to Evan asking Alison if she thinks it's worth continuing and Alison saying that she doesn't think so. Alison says she told him what was up and she tried to make the best of the situation at the elimination ceremony, which is why she smiled. Alison she knows what she looks for in a romantic interest, but she also knows that there is no amount of money in the world that would make her want to date Evan. There's something else we have in common! Call me!
By Kim
It's time for fucking Mojo. I have found that absence did make my heart grow fonder, because I have really missed fucking Mojo these past few weeks. Mojo says that people say she has the mojo working. No one says that. No one has ever said that, unless Mojo said it about herself. This introduces a montage of Mojo wiggling her eyebrows, which was fucking hysterical. It's like this whole episode is a gift to all of the people who were pissed about that horseshit filler episode. Mojo takes the cameras to see the house she grew up in. She says that all of her siblings are married, but that she had a goal to live life to the fullest and then think about a family, which is why she went on the show. Mojo says that her strategy was to let Evan know who she was. Flashback to Evan noticing Mojo's cowboy hat on the first day. On the train date, Mojo says her goal was to speak from the heart, and if the other girls didn't speak up, that's their problem. True. Mojo says that if Evan were truly there to find a soulmate, her poem wouldn't have scared him away. This is where I have to part ways with Mojo. First of all, Evan obviously wasn't there to find a soulmate. Second, never use the word "soulmate" ever again. And third, if my own husband wrote me a poem with a puzzle like that, I would have to divorce him because it's so fucking lame. Although it does fit Mojo's personality, so it's not like she was misrepresenting herself. Mojo was surprised when Evan "chose [her] not to stay." Chose her not to stay? Something is wrong with that phrase but I don't know what. Mojo wonders if Evan was really there to find a woman after his heart, and that she was there for love, and Evan let that go. Cut to Mojo listening to a morning radio show where some woman is claiming Mojo is a gold-digger. I have to say, I never got the vibe that Mojo ws a gold-digger. Gaylord? Yes. Gold-digger? No. Mojo says that a lot of women want to be with a man who is financially stable. Mojo goes out to a bar with her friends and rides a mechanical bull. Did I miss the part where bull-riding suddenly became hot again? Are they going to make Urban Cowboy II: Mechanical Bullaloo? Mojo says she wants a guy who wants everything about her, not just a trip to the bedroom...or the woods. Burn! She just burned Sarah. Awesome. Mojo hopes that her Mr. Right watched the show and will be knocking on her door soon. I actually hope so too. And I hope he's wearing a hat.
By Kim
The final semi-finalist was Melissa. We open with a montage of Melissa saying, "Oh my God!" like, a million times. Melissa says that she paid for her schooling by bartending. She did the show for an adventure and a test. Why not just take the GREs or something? Flashback to Melissa telling Evan that he's a good secret keeper. Melissa says she had a gut feeling the whole time that Evan was hiding something. Flashback to Melissa telling Evan that he is an average person who doesn't think much. Hee! That was awesome. Especially because I think she meant it as a compliment. Melissa says there were little hints that something was wrong and she had her guard up. Yeah, her guard was up. That's why she was all flashing her underwear. Melissa thought Evan was charming and fun and a nice guy. She claims that she never thought that millions of people might watch the show. Flashback to Melissa practically grabbing Evan's hog on camera. Melissa says she had the most fun when they tried to cook dinner, and that she can't cook, but that doesn't make her a bad woman. No, what makes her a bad person and has nothing to do with her sex is how she whined and flounced around and then refused to help clean up. Melissa voice-overs that she brings a lot to the table as we see a shot of her cleavage resting on the table. Hee! Melissa claims to be caring and says she knows how to love. She's not even going to address the "mercenary" thing? Melissa says it was hard to say goodbye knowing she might never see Evan again, and that she didn't care about the money because she connected with Evan.
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul promises that when we return, we'll find out how the others felt about Heidi. Awesome. After the break, a survey of people on the street shows that 43% thought Evan would pick Zora and 57% thought he would pick Sarah. Paul invites us to take a look at Heidi. He claims that Heidi's aggressive play for Evan, her butchering of the French language, and the boyfriend issue really bothered the other girls. Did they really care that she didn't know how to speak French well?
Katy says that if she has gotten one question more than others, it's if Heidi is really as terrible as she seemed on the show. Then we get a montage of "Mom, Heidi's being a bitch again!" moments. Heidi yells that she wants her stipend. Heidi asks, "What the hell was that?" Heidi yells at Paul for bringing the wrong bag down. Then the awesome part is that we get shots of Alison mocking Heidi in between shots of Heidi acting like a bitch. Yay, Alison! In an interview, Melissa says that Heidi has gotten so much attention, and she doesn't want to talk about it. In an interview, Mojo says that Heidi was all about drama. And if Mojo thinks you're overly dramatic, you know you've got problems. In an interview, Heidi says that she came off as a villain because she's very assertive. Ah, the Jerri Manthey defense. Yes, that has been tried before. And it didn't work that time, either. Heidi reveals that girls don't really like her that much. And I have to wonder what kind of enormous ego she must have to assume that, when no women like her, that the problem is with all women instead of with herself. Flashback to the dress débacle. In an interview, Heidi says that other girls got mad that she took two dresses. In an interview, Katy says that "the dress thing was kind of crappy" because when Heidi grabbed two, it meant that someone else didn't get any. In an interview, Heidi says she was just focused on getting a gown and didn't think she was being rude, but then adds that it wasn't about playing fair. Then, Heidi moves into the horseback-riding issue. In an interview, Katy says that if Heidi didn't like the horse, she shouldn't have gotten on it, and then she did get on it and made a big production about getting off it. Yes, that pretty much sums it up. Heidi thinks the other women were jealous because Evan was kind to her in helping her off the horse.
By Kim
Heidi says that the final blow came when they found out she had a boyfriend. Heidi tells some of the women that she met her boyfriend during casting. In an interview, Sarah says that Heidi claimed that at least she was honest about it, but Sarah points out that Heidi did lie. In an interview, Heidi says that if she did go into the woods with Evan, she would also be breaking ties with her boyfriend at that time. Isn't she required to give two weeks' notice or something? In an interview, Heidi says that she doesn't think any of the women had the courage to say anything to her face. Well, would you? She's clearly psychotic. Don't provoke the crazy lady. Heidi says that before Evan made his second selection, everyone was shooting daggers at her. In an interview, Mojo says she was hoping Heidi didn't get picked, but the other women were as well, and then when Heidi didn't get picked, they all agreed that "evil was out of there." And she's calling Heidi dramatic?
Heidi says that if things had been different, she might not have a boyfriend right now and she might still be on the show. Like she had any control over whether she stayed. Heidi says that the plan was for her boyfriend to pick her up at the airport and they'd talk about it, and she reveals that they now live together. And now we get to meet this sad sack. Heidi's boyfriend's name is Joe too! And I think he's cross-eyed. He's definitely got some sort of lazy eye. As we see Heidi dancing in a club, Joe says, "She's pretty, she's exciting, she's passionate, she's strong, she's really well-shaped, she's got a great body, she dances like a stripper." So to me that means, "She has blonde hair, she gives me blowjobs, she likes sex, she could beat me up so I have to say nice things about her, she wears skimpy clothes, and she dances like a stripper." Joe further claims that Heidi is "by far the most funnest woman that I've ever met." "Most funnest"? I think he actually belongs with Melissa. Joe says that people ask him how he could let his girlfriend go on a dating show. "Let" her? I don't think Heidi asks permission for much. Joe says he doesn't fear competition from other guys. Joe isn't coming off as the sharpest knife in the drawer. He makes Evan look smart. In an interview, Heidi says that she wears the trousers in the relationship, but she's good at making Joe think that he does. Okay, once this airs and he sees that, he really needs to dump her for his own self-respect. Because that was a shitty thing to say. Joe and Heidi kiss.
By Kim
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that Heidi has an "interesting strategy." And promises that , we'll take a look at Evan's past. But first, we get to see a champagne montage, including all of the times that they pretended the champagne cork hit someone or broke something. Someone needs to teach Evan that you aren't supposed to let the cork fly when you open champagne. Do they do that in restaurants? No, they don't.
Virginia Beach. Evan says his upbringing is like a Norman Rockwell painting with a middle-income family. It cracks me up how everyone in the world thinks that they were middle-class, but obviously not everyone was middle-class. Looking at Evan's house, he appears to be more upper middle-class. Or his parents are, I should say. I'm not sure how much Evan made last year, though. I'm going to guess it was around $19,000, but that's just an estimate. Evan says that the world would be different if everyone's parents were like his. We see Evan's parents, who look perfectly normal, and lots of photos from Evan's childhood. Evan says that his desire to have kids comes from his great childhood. Please do not let this man reproduce. Evan talks just like his dad. It's scary. Evan talks about how, as a kid, he was into construction and building. Evan's dad says that Evan used to play with trucks and move sand around as a kid. Evan says he was a loner in school, and used to watch the maintenance guys repair the fields and wish he were with them. Evan says he was short and skinny and unpopular. You know, just like everyone grew up middle-class, everyone was unpopular in high school. Where are all the people who were popular? Evan says he started lifting weights in middle school. His mother says that Evan came out of military school much more confident and athletic. Evan says he was approached by a modeling agency in Paris, and he started doing it. He didn't want to continue, but he always hoped that the day might be his big break. Finally, he gave it up because it was unfulfilling, and went back to construction.
One of Evan's friends tells a little tale about some woman who dissed Evan in a bar because he worked construction. The friend suggested that Evan lie about his occupation and Evan refused. Cut to Evan refusing to eat goat cheese. I don't really get the mental leap between refusing to lie about your job to refusing to eat goat cheese. Oh, I see! Evan is a man of principles! He hates goat cheese and he's not going to eat it just to impress some woman! Whatever. Another one of Evan's friends says that the Evan we see on the show is the real Evan. That's scary. Another one of Evan's friends thinks that Evan really started to like the women and felt really bad about lying to them. He thinks that Evan is basically shy, honest, and looking for love. Did he pay his friends off to say this stuff?
By Kim
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that Sarah has no trouble keeping a man's attention, and that she might have been a bit naughty on her dates with Evan. California montage. Sarah drives a convertible down the street. Sarah voice-overs that she was born in a small town, and while she was never rebellious, she always wanted to do things her own way. We see childhood photos and videos of Sarah. Sarah's interview is very chopped up, so much so that it sounds like a female Stephen Hawking. Sarah says that she's been living in L.A. for four years. One of her friends was approached by a scout from the show and pointed the scout toward Sarah. Um, thanks? Sarah says that she was flattered, and that she likes to go into things not knowing what to expect. Flashback to Evan and Sarah's first meeting at the ball. Sarah says she had a wonderful time on the dates and Evan was a gentleman who never pushed things. Hmm. And yet I've seen interviews with her more recently where she claims that Evan was the one who got her to go into the woods and ditch the cameras.
In an interview, Dana says that Sarah is very competitive, as evidenced by her going into the woods with Evan. In an interview, Sarah claims that they were walking into parts of the woods where she hadn't been. Oh, so it was a guided tour. In the dark. Sarah caught on that Evan was trying to ditch the camera crew and then he kissed her, held her, and nuzzled her. Well, that's one way of putting it. I think she shizzled his nizzle. Sarah says everyone was scandalized, but she thought it was innocent and lovely. In an interview, Katy says that everyone on the internet was trying to figure out what was going on in the woods, and then the story broke about Sarah's film career. Then there are some totally fake headlines and radio stories about Sarah, and I think one of the radio announcers was actually Paul. Sarah says she did some fetish modeling because she had enormous school loans, and she didn't see why it was such a big deal, because in L.A. there are tons of people with lurid offers. So it's not a big deal to take them up on it? Then comes the best part of the episode. They show three pictures of people with their hands and feet bound with a some text that says "Simulated Image." Hee! I can't decide if they just couldn't get the rights to the actual footage, or if they were worried that people wouldn't know what "fetish and bondage" means. Or both. In an interview, Mojo says she was surprised and wondered what kind of girls Evan ended up with. Sarah says she had a wonderful time and she really liked Evan. The last scene of Sarah is standing in her bandeau top and skirt, looking out over the ocean. Because she's all citified and slutty.
By Kim
Now it's time to look at Zora. Zora nuzzles with the horse. And jumps around and giggles. And then looks at the horse's teeth. And kisses the horse some more. And nuzzles the horse. Dude! What is up with her and the horse? Paul returns and says that Zora often seemed out of her element with the other women, and wonders if the mystery is what kept Evan intrigued.
Cut to Zora wearing a sweater and holding a fuzzy white cat. In an interview, Zora says she thinks she's compassionate, because she loves working with the elderly, at the high school, with animals, and she's a non-smoker. So smokers can't be compassionate? Nice. Then a little girl comes on and talks and talks about how Zora took care of her great-grandma. Which is nice and all, but shut up, little girl! I want to find out more about Sarah's simulated images. Also, maybe Zora killed this girl's great-grandma. Did you ever think of that, little girl? Maybe instead of an angel of mercy, Zora is an angel of death! One of Zora's friends says that she didn't try to be popular in high school and had a good reputation. The mayor of Zora's home town says that Zora is nice and if she wins, they'll have Zora Day.
Zora says that she grew up in extreme poverty and wasn't allowed to waste food. She now works as a substitute teacher and also works with the elderly. She finds that fulfilling and gratifying. Zora tells about how she didn't have heat before she left for France, so she turned on the oven for heat and melted her blinds. Zora shows off her necklaces, which she keeps in a box in the freezer. Attention burglars! They're in a box in the freezer! Zora says that when she first got the necklaces, she wanted to sell them to give money to her aunt in Yugoslavia who is dying of cancer. But then I guess she didn't and she just let her aunt die or something. They didn't really follow up with that. Zora says that she went on the show for the adventure of being in another country.
Zora talks about the hot tub scene and claims that Sarah looked fabulous in her bikini. Zora thinks that in their competition, she gets the sympathy votes and Sarah gets the votes for being hot. The little girl says that Zora is the greatest. The mayor says that Zora is nice and real. Zora's friend says that Zora is a miracle of a person. The last shot is Zora snuggling with the cat while cartoon flowers twirl in the corners. Vote for Zora! She's not a slut! She's plucky! She thought about selling her necklaces even though she didn't actually do it! She doesn't give blowjobs! Give me a fucking break. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.