Hey, look! It's a new show opening! They got rid of that whole package that showed Evan driving the backhoe and shit. Wow! I bet this whole episode will consist of never-before-seen footage like this. Because it's not like FOX would promise something they aren't going to deliver. Anyway, Alex tells the women that Evan inherited $50 million two years ago, and the women are impressed. Evan driving the backhoe morphs into Evan riding a horse. Evan wants to find out who's into him only for his wallet. I'm still not entirely sure he understands that if he pulled out his wallet, it would be like in the cartoons where moths would fly out. Twelve women were given pearl necklaces and Alex, in one of her increasingly rare appearances, told the rest to leave the chateau. I'm still kind of pissed that they didn't continue using that phrase, because it was awesome.
Then, the women went on group dates where they had to pick grapes, shovel coal, or shovel horseshit. Five women got sapphire necklaces, and seven went home. The remaining five went to Paris. Knowing now that the producers knew of Sarah's fetish film background from the beginning, I have to think the whole "shoes as gift" thing was a set-up. Aw, Mojo and her shitty hat at the Moulin Rouge. Good times. Alison got the boot and the other four got emerald necklaces. Evan made out with some of the ladies and then they showed off their boobies in the hot tub. Melissa talked about bathing children in Third World countries because she's a mercenary. She will never, never live that down. The women started getting catty about each other. Mojo was given the boot and the rest got ruby necklaces.
Melissa, Sarah, and Zora got to go on overnight dates to exotic locations. Evan made out with the ladies some more, and then had some big crisis of conscience. Melissa was given the boot and Zora and Sarah got diamond necklaces. The announcer concludes, "Now, Evan must choose." Right now? I can't wait! Unless they mean "now" in the sense of "sometime week." I hope I didn't misunderstand them.
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul welcomes us back and says that Evan is "finally reaching the end of his journey." Paul says that Evan must make his final decision, and Paul knows that Evan is having a hard time deciding between Sarah and Zora. Mostly because Zora wouldn't tell him her bra size, which makes it difficult for Evan to continues his "biggest boobs stay" strategy. Paul adds that Evan must then confess his true identity. Yes, we get the central concept of the show by now. Let's move on.
Zora lies on her bed. Paul knocks on the door and asks if she's ready, and tells her to head downstairs in about ten minutes. Zora sits. And thinks. And sits. In an interview, Zora says she hasn't been sleeping well because it's a stressful situation. In an interview, Sarah has way overdone it with the eyebrow pencil as she says that it's getting down to the wire. Sarah primps in front of the mirror.
Sarah and Zora walk outside. What in the hell is Sarah wearing? It's like a metallic gold sleeveless turtleneck sweater. For someone whose boobs are not the perkiest, girlfriend wears a lot of turtlenecks. They are not helping the situation at all. Zora looks better, wearing a fitted denim buttondown shirt. They sit at a table. What are they doing? They're just sitting there. Looking around. Playing with their hair. Well, this is fascinating. Suddenly, Alex walks out the front door into the sunlight, and promptly melts. Or bursts into flame. Well, that's what I thought would happen. Miraculously, she survives the daylight. They are really stretching this out, because we saw every second of Zora and Sarah walking to the table, and now we are seeing every second of Alex walking to the table, like, we get it! They have legs, and their legs work, and they walk. Just show them walking out the door and then arriving at the table and I don't think there will be many viewers out there going, "But how did they get from Point A to Point B?" This episode is padded like a training bra at a junior high dance.
Alex finally reaches the table (by using her legs) and tells Zora and Sarah that the time has come for Evan to make his last decision. The day, Evan will announce his choice. In this segment, Alex is wearing a pink buttondown shirt with a mauve sweater vest over it, and between the fashion and her '80s hair, she looks like Courteney Cox when she was on Family Ties. More footage of Sarah and Zora looking around. Alex announces that Evan will present one of them with a ring. Zora and Sarah look shocked, like, who couldn't have guessed that the final piece of jewelry would be a ring? Alex stumbles over her words as she explains that in order to make his decision, Evan wants to spend some more time alone with each of them. Alex stiffly wishes them good luck, and turns and walks back into the chateau. And we see the whole walk. Sarah and Zora get up and walk into the chateau, and we see every minute of that too, including several seconds' worth of Zora swinging her hair like Jan Brady. In an interview, Sarah says that things are getting more intense, and seriously, she is turning into Joan Crawford with the eyebrows.
Mastercheese Theater. Paul says that the ring is only the first of many surprises for the ladies. Paul is kind of bugging me with the eyebrows, too, like every time he makes a comment about Evan, he raises his eyebrows up as if to let us know he's in on the joke. Everyone on this show is bugging me this week. Also, the bumper to commercial promises us that soon "a choice will be made and the truth will be told!" I just know it's going to happen in this segment. I mean, they've already given us so much information thus far!
In an interview, Sarah says that Evan is going to give one of them a ring as a sign that he's interested in continuing a relationship. In an interview, Zora says that the person who gets the ring will continue her relationship with Evan. So, what does the ring signify again? And will they both get a ring, or just one? Zora talks about how she doesn't like to think about getting the ring, because she's afraid she will psych herself out. Sarah and Zora hang out in their room. Sarah says she could live in the chateau forever, and she knows that their remaining time will go fast. Sarah is wearing a robe, and she's winding the belt around her hands in a manner that is really ironic given her past film career. Zora and Sarah continue to say nothing about how time has flown and blah.
Which means it's time to reminisce! About episodes we saw a few weeks ago! Remember the ball? It was Evan's formal introduction to the girls. Let's look at Sarah's introduction. They actually show some additional footage that we didn't get to see before where Sarah asks him how he's holding up, and Evan admits that he's nervous and jokes that he has a good supply of horse tranquilizers on hand. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah is not shy, but that she's not overbearing either. Sarah tells Evan that she lives near Beverly Hills. And here's Zora at the ball! I can't believe they didn't rehash the dress drama. At least that would have been interesting. Zora apologizes for her cold hands and Evan offers to warm them up. Then she does the tangerine-on-her-teeth bit that we saw before. In an interview, Zora says that Evan "exudes goodness." He does? Now Sarah gets her three-second waltz with Evan. He teases her for leading. Zora says she has no clue how to waltz. Sarah and Zora get their pearl necklaces. (Okay, hee!)
Back in their room, the women talk about how beautiful their jewelry is. Sarah wonders if the emerald is two carats, and Zora says she has no idea about such things. Because Sarah is a gold-digger who only cares about money and Zora is the opposite. Or at least that's what the editors want you to believe. Sarah says she slept in her diamond necklace and checks it out, and then decides that it must be a carat. Zora says that what she really needs are things like pots and pans. Sarah says she needs to "stage a bridal shower" to get all the things she needs. They smile some more. Coming up: Evan confronts his fears as the girls await his decision. Okay, so that last segment was all about reminiscing, but now we'll find out Evan's pick, right?
Mastercheese Theater. There sure is a lot of Paul in this show. It's almost like the editors flew Paul out to L.A. to record some more of these fireside chats so that they could flesh out the episode. Paul says that Zora and Sarah are very different, which makes Evan's decision even more difficult. What I'm wondering is if anyone thinks Evan's decision is going to be easy. I wish they would weigh in on that. Is he struggling with it? Does he worry about it? Paul says that we now get to see how Evan spent his last moments with each woman.
Paul knocks on Sarah's door and tells her that Evan is ready for her, and is waiting in the library. In an interview, Paul says that Sarah's always late for everything, and then acts surprised when people are waiting for her. Paul thinks Sarah is self-centered. Paul says that it's a beautiful day for a walk. Sarah asks if they're going for a walk in the woods. Paul says he knows they're walking, but he's not sure where. Sarah says she needs to know so that she can wear appropriate shoes. She must want to wear a more appropriate blouse because that silky buttondown she's got on is straight out of the J.C. Penney collection. Paul advises her to change. Sarah doesn't seem to be in a big hurry to do so, and we see that she was wearing spike heels, like even if they were going into town like she thought, why would she wear those? In an interview, Evan says he took each woman on a walk so they could spend time together and he could potentially find something to help in his decision. Sarah comes downstairs wearing a fuzzy green sweater and jeans. She greets Evan with a kiss. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah's kiss meant, "I'm here. Touch me." What? I don't know. Evan adds that Zora was more standoffish. Zora clumps into the entryway and doesn't give Evan a kiss. In an interview, Evan says he thought he would have made up his mind by this point, but that he hasn't.
Evan, who is still wearing that stupid baggy sweater that he wears all of the time, walks out onto the lawn with Sarah. She asks how he's holding up. Evan tells Sarah that he thinks they would have had a good time no matter which date they went on. Evan walks like a lurching monster. In an interview, Sarah says that she thinks it's a win-win situation. She adds, "We've been remarkably comfortable, you know, in lieu of the whole situation, and pretty able to get to know each other and just ignore the other factors." First of all, she used "in lieu of" incorrectly. Second of all, substitute "make out" for "get to know each other" and "bimbos" for "factors," and I think you will get Sarah's true feelings.
Hey, let's look back on Sarah and Evan's great dates. They learned to tango. Evan gave her shoes to put on her dirty feet. Hey, I saw the pictures. They were dirty. As in "smudged with dirt." Although I guess the other meaning works as well. In an interview, Evan says a line that must have been fed to him by the producers when he says that Sarah likes "shoes and strappy things." That is just too coincidental. Evan also gives Sarah a dancing outfit, and then they dance together. He kisses her goodnight.
Evan and Zora walk through the woods. Zora asks what Evan is feeling. He admits that his experiences with her have been up and down, like a roller coaster. A roller coaster of love! I wish one of them had busted out in song. Or there was a strolling troubadour wandering through the meadow singing, "Roller coaster! Of love!" That would have been awesome. Zora and Evan walk up a path. They must both be new to the walking thing, because they are lurching around like a couple of drunks during an earthquake. In an interview, Zora says she doesn't think it's been much of a roller-coaster ride, although she admits that there were awkward times.
Remember Zora and Evan's date in Paris? They went to dinner in a quiet bistro. Zora was uptight. This was back when Evan actually used to dress up once in a while. Evan complained about how much the other women told him, and that Zora clammed up. Zora and Evan sat and listened to classical music by the river. They tried to make it out like Zora was crying, but I think she just had something in her eye.
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that Paris was not great for Zora, but that Sarah seemingly found her way into Evan's heart. Paul thought that Zora was on the way out, but that he's learned that these things are unpredictable. The bumper promises rising tensions between the two women, and then Evan promises that someone is going to get hurt. Hey, they already showed that clip once in this episode. Flashbacks to episodes are bad enough, but repeating the same clip within the episode? That's just wrong.
Mastercheese Theatre. Okay, I'm over Paul. Too much Paul! He says that he doesn't envy Evan, because Evan has to make a hard decision and then admit the truth. Less talk, more action!
Evan and Sarah's walk continues. Evan says that his time with Sarah has been excellent, and that he wanted to forget about their surroundings and spend time together. Sarah agrees that the opportunity to do that doesn't come up. The editors messily patch in an audio track of Evan talking about his second individual date with Sarah to make us think that they are actually discussing it.
Remember when Sarah and Evan went on a bike ride together? Two weeks ago? And they got wasted during the wine tasting? Sarah brought up the money issue, and Evan dodged the issue by kissing her. The editors bring back the looping machine to make it look like they made out for hours and hours. Back in the woods, Sarah brings up the time they ran around in the woods. I can't watch this footage now, ever since someone on the forums brought up the fact that Sarah's moaning and groaning could have been taken from any number of times that she made those orgasmic noises. So now I feel like the slurping and gulping were audio tracks from dinner or something that were looped in.
Evan and Zora stumble around some more. Evan is, like, twenty feet in front of her. Does Zora have polio? Why is she walking without bending her knees and swinging her hair? Evan asks if she has any questions. Zora says that she doesn't want to pressure him. Evan realizes that she's not being honest, and they laugh.
Remember when Evan and Zora went on a picnic and Zora turned into Snow White and all of the animals of the forest showed up via cheap stock footage? And Evan laughed in slow motion? Those were the days, man. And then they went into the hot tub even though I thought Zora didn't want to wear a bathing suit on camera. And then all the other women joined them and Sarah's nipples were totally on the sides of her breasts, which scared me. And then Zora left the hot tub.
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says he doesn't know how he would have handled the hot-tub dilemma, but he thinks if he were in the hot tub, there wouldn't have been any dilemma. What does that even mean? He's gay? He would have just done it with all of the girls? He wouldn't have let the other girls join them? ["That if he had been in the hot tub, the women wouldn't have been, because they're not interested in him?" -- Wing Chun] I don't get it. The bumper to commercial promises that Evan will choose, because time has run out. Evan says a-freaking-gain that this is a difficult decision and then we hear the quote a-freaking-gain about how Evan thought he would have his mind made up at this point. Sigh.
Mastercheese Theatre. Shut up, Paul. Paul says that he hopes that the final moments with the women will help Evan sort things out. Why? Does he have a difficult decision to make?
Just how long are these walks anyway? Like ten miles? Zora asks Evan if the trips were better than he expected. Evan and Zora agree that they were unforgettable. Let's reminisce about Zora's plane ride and the rainbow she saw. Evan says they're in Corsica.
Sarah and Evan finally return to the chateau. Sarah wants to know some of the things on which Evan will be basing his decision. Evan says he's basing it on how the dates went, and reveals that one of his favorites was his date with Sarah in Nice. Oh, the one where she ridiculed him for not knowing about Parisienne gnocchi?
Remember when Evan asked Zora about her breasts? No? You don't remember? Even thought it just happened last week? Also, remember when Sarah acted sophisticated and Evan gaped like a deaf mute? Oh, wait. That happened every week. Remember when Evan and Zora went swimming? Let's watch ten fucking minutes of footage of them frolicking in the pool. You'd think they'd show more footage of the stuff that happened weeks ago and trust that we remember what just happened. Sigh. Evan and Zora kiss as cheesy music plays in the background. Remember when Evan gave Sarah a kiss goodnight and then she showed up at his door ten minutes later to look at the moon? And then they pretty much did it under a blanket? I think this episode was made for the dude from Memento.
Sarah and Evan are still walking. I thought they were done! In the background, you can see Paul the butler walking by, and then he sees the camera and skitters out of frame. That was the only moment in this entire episode that made me laugh. Sarah asks Evan whom he's going to pick. Evan doesn't answer and asks if she's nervous. Sarah repeats her whole "win-win" thing, and adds that she and Zora are friends. Now Evan and Zora are still walking. Zora can't believe that the whole thing is over and talks about how grateful she is for the whole experience. In an interview, Zora says it would be sad never to talk to Evan again after this, but that's the reality for one of them. Evan kisses Zora goodbye. Evan kisses Sarah goodbye and Sarah practically bites his bottom lip off in her efforts to be memorable. In addition to a new eyebrow pencil, Sarah needs to get a new bra because she's got a serious case of bifocal boob going on.
That night, the women eat dinner together. Sarah is still making her moaning and groaning noises. Zora brings up the subject of what will happen . Sarah says she thinks Evan knows whom he's going to pick at this point. Zora doesn't know, but she thinks Evan might base his pick on geography and pick Sarah because she lives closer. Well, that was kind of a shitty thing to say. Like, "I'm pretty much superior, but you live ten miles away, so he'll go with you." Sarah says that if Evan's not all that into either of them, he might pick the one who lives furthest away so that no relationship can happen. The editors try to make it out like Zora and Sarah are sitting there in uncomfortable silence, but Zora is clearly talking. You just can't see her mouth. And I think every time they showed a close-up of one girl looking awkward, it was when the other one was talking. Sarah says she has to figure out something else to wear.
Sarah goes outside for a lonely smoke. In an interview, Zora says she probably wouldn't have been friends with Sarah outside of this, but that doesn't mean she wants to tear her apart. Zora takes her dirty dishes to the kitchen, because she's a good girl, and Sarah lights up, because she's a bad girl. Wow, Zora is so bow-legged. How come I never noticed all of her problems before?
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that Evan will break a heart. He's certainly broken my will to live. The bumper promises that after the commercials, the moment has arrived. Really? Finally!
Eight million shots of the chateau. Evan stands on the steps, drinking coffee. In an interview, Evan says that he spent his last moments with each woman, and now it's time to make his decision. Okay, the earlier intra-episode flashbacks were bad enough, but now they're flashing back to stuff they just showed before the commercial? This is pathetic. Evan says, "It's going to be a difficult decision." And here, all this time, I thought he was breezing right through it. Evan says he likes Zora a lot, because she's sweet and genuine, and he likes Sarah a lot, because she's dirty. Actually, he said she's funny and rebellious. Paul comments that Evan's decision has been made even more difficult. Is that even possible? In an interview, Evan says he's "neck-deep in it now." Neck-deep in what? Flashbacks? That's my guess.
Oh, my God! It's Sarah's dreaded eyebrow pencil! Someone confiscate it! Zora does yoga. Evan voice-overs for the third fucking time this episode that someone is going to get hurt. Evan drinks coffee. Paul stares into space. Zora paints her nails. Sarah looks out the window. Evan walks down the path. In an interview, Sarah says that she thinks Evan is under a lot of stress. But what I want to know is if his decision will be difficult. Zora repeats what she said at the top of the episode about this being a stressful situation, and how Evan must be overwhelmed. In an interview, Evan says that it will be difficult to tell the women the truth, and even if they forgive his lies, he's still a construction worker when it's over, so he has nothing to offer them.
Sarah tests out different outfits. Evan walks sloooooowly up to the chateau. Zora tosses her hair around. Sarah puts on makeup. Zora lurches across her room. Sarah puts on lotion. Zora puts on lotion. Sarah lays out her shoes. Zora puts on hairspray. Sarah puts on more lotion. What's with the fucking lotion? Maybe that's the real ending. Evan is a serial killer who has been fattening the girls up so he can make a suit out of their skin.
Paul tells Sarah and Zora that Evan is waiting for them downstairs. Sarah grabs her coat and purse, like, if she doesn't get the ring, are they just going to toss her out on the street? Because that would be awesome. Zora lumbers down the stairs. Each woman heads for the salon and sits down.
Paul knocks and tells Evan that the women are ready. Evan walks out into the hall, and he actually dressed up this time! Sort of. It's a green crewneck sweater, but it's better than that smelly Fisherman's sweater he's been wearing every other day. In an interview, Evan says that he thought this was a game, but that he has feelings for both of them. Evan walks into the room and sits down. In an interview, for the fourth fucking time this episode, Evan says, "It's time to make a decision." Evan swallows hard and tells an unseen woman that what he's going to say might be a shock. Cut to the front of the chateau as we hear Evan say that he didn't inherit $50 million, and that he's a heavy equipment operator.
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul apologizes for not telling us Evan's final decision this week, and invites us back for the two-hour finale. Paul says that Evan will give us his choice, and also confess the truth: "That he's not really an heir at all." Paul concludes, "Oh, and by the way, in the past I have refused to comment on rumors about how Joe Millionaire's story will end with a twist. But this evening, I will comment. Those rumors are not rumors at all. In fact, the final chapter of our story does have a rather big, surprising, and remarkable twist." Paul pours himself some more cognac and promises to wait for our return.
week: The original twenty women speak out. Evan feels guilty. Evan chooses one of the women and asks her to come to the ballroom and give her answer. And then there's a twist. You know, when they hype it up like this, nothing could possibly meet our expectations. It's all very, "Don't miss the last five minutes!" Fuck off, FOX. This episode blew.