Previously on Joe Millionaire: Hee! They've even ditched Alex from the voice-over portions now. The closed captions claim that Alex is doing the voice-over, but really it sounds like the guy who goes, "In a world..." during the movie previews. Anyway, Evan went on individual dates with each remaining woman. Evan and Sarah snuck off into the woods, and Sarah cried out, "Scandal!" Oh, if she only knew what The Smoking Gun was going to publish mere days later. Love the people at The Smoking Gun. Melissa said, if she had money, she would want to go to a Third World country and bathe the children, because she's a mercenary. I love how they changed her line, "I'm mercenary like that" to "I'm a mercenary." Just goes to show how much the editors can fuck things up if they so desire. Also, maybe Melissa should get together with Bono and they could record a remake of "Splish Splash I Was Taking a Bath" with all proceeds going to mercenary efforts. Mojo gave Evan a sad little puzzle. The other women crashed Zora and Evan's date in the hot tub. The announcer intones, "Mojo was banished" with the kind of intensity normally reserved for saying things like, "The sun turned dark and the seas turned red."
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul welcomes us back and tells us that Evan spared no expense to charter a private jet and take each girl on a private jet to the French Riviera. Paul notes that he wasn't invited to join them on the trips. That's okay. I heard he knows how to throw a party while his employer is out of town.
The women eat breakfast. Paul enters and tells Melissa that she needs to get packed by noon because they're taking her to the airport. Sarah gasps like he just said he was taking her to an adult video store. Paul adds that Evan is flying in on his private jet to pick Melissa up. The women all giggle helplessly. Sarah notes that Evan is stepping the dates up a notch. Melissa urges the other two to help her pack, and Zora's totally like, "Bitch, I haven't finished my bagel yet!" Melissa does a little jig as she walks off. I notice that she has her purse, like, who takes their purse down to breakfast? Maybe she was worried that Alex would float into her room and steal it while she's gone. Maybe Alex's soul is in that purse.
Melissa packs and whines about how stressed out she is. In an interview, Melissa says she started getting really scared. In an interview, Sarah says that the fact that the date is overnight makes it more stressful. Sarah tells Melissa to calm down, because she's getting stressed out, which is "not appealing." You know, another thing that bothers me about this show, as a feminist? Besides the entire premise, the way the women act, the way the men act, and the way I can't stop watching it? That the women really have nothing better to do than sit around and wait for Evan to take them out. It's like a super-exaggerated version of the 1950s, where the woman has to wait for the man to make the first move and can't possibly go out and make her own fun or, God forbid, call him. In an interview, Zora says it's weird because they are all dating the same guy. Well, Zora's dating him. Melissa is hounding him, and Sarah is probably blowing him. Sarah tells Melissa she shouldn't look like a sorority girl. Melissa does a final primp in front of the mirror. She's wearing a pink sweater, a black leather skirt, black tights, and black clunky shoes. She really does look like a college student. Paul asks if she's all packed, and Melissa says she's getting there.
Melissa takes the car to the airport. Evan helps her out when she arrives. Melissa says she's excited. In an interview, Evan explains that he's taking the women to some exclusive places on the French Riviera. He has to add the disclaimer that he's never been there and doesn't know much about it, like, I totally forgot that he's a construction worker who makes $19,000 annually, except that I didn't because they only remind you every five seconds. Evan is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, I think. Remember at the beginning of the show when he used to get dressed up all the time? I feel like they've totally given up on that.
Melissa and Evan get on the jet. Melissa thinks it's beautiful. In an interview, Evan says that the dates are getting more intense because they are overnight. So how long are the dates? It seems like they would tell us that information. Melissa says she wishes she knew where they were going, all passive-aggressive. If you want to know, ask. Oh, I forgot. She's living in the pre-feminist era where women aren't allowed to question men's decisions. In an interview, Evan says that he wants to get to know the girls' true motivations because he has to make some important decisions soon. Like whether he's going to let Sarah give him another hummer before he gives her the boot.
Melissa and Evan get out of the plane. In an interview, Evan says he thought it was cool to get off the jet with "this really beautiful girl on [his] arm." What? Who? Oh, Melissa? Sadly, J-Dawg (my husband, for those of you new to my recaps) told me that he thinks Melissa is the prettiest one, just going on looks. This troubles me. I think Sarah is actually the prettiest, based on looks alone. I don't think we'll get a divorce over it, though. I know you were all totally biting your nails over that one. Melissa asks where they are, and Evan reveals that they are in Cannes. Although I think he has a cold or something, because I totally thought he said "Cob," as in "corn cob." Melissa giggles and twitters and bats her eyelashes. In an interview, Melissa puts on a French accent to say that they landed in Southern France. Shut up, Melissa. Melissa and Evan get into a car. In an interview, Evan says that Melissa is fun and upbeat and that he was excited to explore Cannes with her, because "this is the place where millionaires go to play." Except this time, he pronounces the city's name "Can." Also, I think Melissa stole Mojo's shitty sunglasses from a few episodes back.
Melissa and Evan arrive at their hotel. Melissa says she has permagrin, and it must be contagious, because Zora was afflicted with that syndrome last week. Melissa explores the hotel room and tells Evan that she is "such a happy camper right now." Evan, of course, has to open a bottle of champagne, because he can't go two minutes without a drink. He opens it off the balcony and the editors totally pipe in the sound of glass breaking. Okay, the champagne cork hitting someone was funny the first time, but now it's kind of played. Melissa asks Evan to pinch her. I thought that was Sarah's gig. Evan says he needs to be pinched, because he can't believe he's there. Melissa nods and smiles. In an interview, Melissa says that she's concerned that Evan looks at her like a little sister, so she strategized and suggested they go watch the sunset. Evan picks up the champagne, so he doesn't have to go a minute without his sweet, sweet nectar. Melissa voice-overs that they walked down to the beach.
Evan and Melissa changed clothes before heading for the beach, because now they are wearing matching red sweaters. Melissa is wearing spike-heeled ankle boots, and if I made fun of Dayana for wearing those horseback riding, I have to make fun of Melissa for wearing them to the beach. Luckily, it's pretty easy for me to do so. At least she took them off and carried them. Evan is wearing flip-flops, and I would like to think he was being sensible, but in reality, I know he just wanted to be comfortable. And Melissa's already seen his ugly, ugly feet. They walk in the surf and then lie down on a blanket and drink some more champagne and watch the sunset. In an interview, Melissa says, "So the sun setted." The sun what? "Setted"? If she wins, is she going to say that the happiest day of her life was the day she and Evan metted? Is she going to show off the lovely jewelry that Evan getted her? Somewhere, Miss Alli is shaking her head sadly and saying, "I hope everyone already forgetted that Melissa is from Minnesota." Anyway, Melissa continues, "I wonder if he'll kiss me." Melissa keeps turning and looking at Evan over her shoulder in what I'm sure she imagines is a coquettish manner, but it actually looks painful and forced. In an interview, Evan says he can talk to Melissa about anything. He proceeds to tell her a story about a guy who had an ingrown toenail, and then he had a fungus in his car and he got a staph infection and died. What? How in the hell did that come up? And also, ew! And why was the source of the fungus pinpointed to his car? And was this an episode of C.S.I.? So many questions. In an interview, Melissa says, "It was romantic." Cut to Evan asking her if she ever put super-glue on her cuts. Hee! He is the king of the non sequitur. Melissa hasn't heard of it, so Evan explains. In an interview, Melissa says, "Definitely. Little sister." The sun has setted, so Evan suggests that they walk back up to the hotel.
Time for dinner. In an interview, Evan says that Melissa looked great during dinner, and that her look is very appealing, because she's curvy. Translation: she wore a push-up bra and her boobs were falling out of her top. In an even classier move, she's wearing a red wrap dress and a black bra, with the bra peeking out. The waiter begins listing off the food. In an interview, Melissa says that she had a dress on that "showed cleavage." Showed cleavage? That's the understatement of the year. Melissa adds that she hasn't been wearing provocative things around Evan, so this was his first glimpse of her "bod." First of all, never say "bod." Ever. Second of all, did I miss the part where she wore a burqua in the hot tub? Because I thought she wore a bikini. Evan voice-overs that when he looked at Melissa, he tried to "hit the eyes," but ended up "going a little lower." Yes, but he just wants a woman who will love him for who he is, not those silly superficial reasons. In an interview, Melissa says she could feel him looking at her. Evan tells Melissa that she's popping out of her bra. Yet another classy move. Also, you'd think a goon like Evan would enjoy the show and let her figure it out on her own. Melissa adjusts her dress.
The meal continues. Evan says that he didn't want the women to get "these delusions" that he's perfect. Somehow I doubt they think Evan is perfect. I do not, however, doubt that the women are deluded. Melissa says she hopes he has some faults. Evan says that in dating, he wonders if the women like him for him or for his money. Melissa has no comment, except to say that he'll battle that for a long time. Or another few episodes, anyway. She adds that each woman has her own agenda for coming to meet him. Evan says that it shows through eventually. Melissa says that what intrigued her about him, putting aside the car and the horses and the jet, was that he is "such an average person." Is that supposed to be a compliment? She adds, "You don't seem like you have a lot on your mind." Dude, she is a mercenary! That was a total burn and yet I really think she felt like she was giving him a compliment. Evan totally agrees with what she said, mostly because he wasn't listening. In an interview, Evan says he was trying to listen to her, but he "couldn't keep [his] eyes off her...dress." Is he like a bull, where he was transfixed by the red color? Or he was admiring the designer...oh, I getted it. He was staring at her boobies some more. When he used that euphemism, it totally threw me. Melissa says that she's dated men with money, and it's not hard to do, but she's looking for a real person and money doesn't matter. Cut to an interview with Melissa saying, "Now, I would be lying to you if I sat here and said money doesn't matter at all. Money matters! Money talks, money matters." I love when they catch people being all hypocritical.
Melissa acts like a reporter for Playboy interviewing Evan for his big centerfold as she asks for his turn-ons and turn-offs. Evan says, "I like legs." What is he, a caveman all of a sudden? He forgot how to utter words with more than one syllable? Also, that's a total lie because he likes boobs more. Evan also likes women who wear high heels to accentuate their legs (read: push-up bras and low-cut shirts to accentuate boobs). In an interview, Melissa says she wants to get to the round, so she's "got to get [her] game on." The music starts to sound like "Gangsta's Paradise" and I expect Coolio to wander out and start rapping while Michelle Pfeiffer teaches some inner-city youth. Melissa rubs Evan's leg with her foot. He feeds her some whipped cream and some sort of cookie and she tries to eat it all sensuously. Evan asks if she's ready to go.
Evan and Melissa return to her hotel room and sit on the couch. Evan is doing that annoying guy thing by sitting with his legs a million miles apart, like, we all saw the swimsuit modeling pictures and it's not that impressive, so scoot over and make some room. Melissa plays with her own hair as she asks if his stomach made a noise and if he's still hungry. Evan grunts in response. In an interview, Melissa says that her gut told her to do this. Maybe Evan's gut told her to do it. Maybe those noises she heard were Evan's gut sending her subliminal messages. Melissa sits to Evan with her elbow totally in his ribs and he starts playing with her hair. She pretends she's suddenly interested in the way the courses were served, and she turns her torso to face Evan and puts one hand on his inner thigh, while also managing to flash her white underwear to the camera.
In an interview, Evan says that Melissa was "coming on pretty strong," which was okay with him. Melissa continues the conversational gambit about the meal and it's a good thing she did shave her bikini line last week because we are totally seeing it right now. Melissa moves around while she talks and kind of hovers her hand over Evan's crotch while talking about fish. This is like those Tom Cruise in Magnolia seminars where they tell you to mention keywords and use body language to seduce people. Melissa pulls her elbows in, the better to squish her boobs up and out some more. She ends up sitting with one hand on each of Evan's leg, which is the most unnatural pose ever, except that it totally looks like she's about to dive-bomb his crotch. In an interview, Melissa says that "the mood was just really intense." Cut to the couple sitting on the couch, barely touching. Melissa pulls her dress up and flashes her legs (and ass) (and white underwear, again) and asks if he likes them and then pretends she was kidding. Evan continues to play with her hair. Melissa says, "I'll make this easy for you," and turns so that she can put her head in Evan's lap. Evan voice-overs that it was all building up to something. Melissa baby-talks, "I thought you wanted to make me happy!" Evan shows off his seduction skills as he mentions how comfortable the bed is. That was so lame. Melissa totally goes for it, though. They go into the bedroom and make out, and then the doors close. They totally did it! Awesome.
Melissa returns to the chateau and Zora pretends she's happy to see her. What? No morning after shots? I'm so disappointed, because you know the conversation on the plane ride back had to be stilted at best. Melissa says that she had an amazing time. Zora asks if they had fun and Melissa gushes, "I did, Zoooor!" That's annoying in the same way that it is when Torrance's boyfriend calls her "Tor" in Bring It On. Zora uses some mysterious secret sign language to ask if Melissa and Evan kissed. Actually, it's not all that mysterious. She kisses her finger and points it at Melissa, who totally doesn't get it at first, but then claims they just kissed a little, because she's "not a first-move kind of girl, at all, but then, you know, whatever." So much meaning in that "But then, you know, whatever." Melissa and Zora smile at each other. Zora says she doesn't want them all to be hanging out with one guy and all be making out with him. The way she said that kind of sounded like she wants to be the only one making out with him and fuck those other bitches. I know the editors want us to like Zora, but she bugs the crap out of me.
In the Smokers' Lounge of Slander (a location with which I am extremely familiar), Melissa tells Sarah that Zora almost had a heart attack when they told her to bring a bikini on her date. Melissa uses a high-pitched voice to imitate Zora complaining about having to wear her bathing suit. Sarah laughs. Melissa says that she told Zora to wear her suit with confidence because "the more less confident you are, the worse it looks on you." I don't have to come up with jokes. I just report what Melissa says and let it stand on its own.
Zora comes down the stairs to get in the car for her date. She's carrying a book! I so wish I knew what it was. I'm going to guess it's something from the New Age section of the bookstore, or as we used to call it when I worked there, "Kooks and Spooks," because it also had a lot of stories about hauntings and paranormal activity. In an interview, Zora says that Evan might have already made his decision, and she doesn't know how serious his dates with the other women were. She vows to have a great time with no expectations, but also no kissing.
Zora arrives at the airport. She voice-overs that she didn't know where they were going, but she guessed it was Southern France. Wow, she's a psychic, just like her mom! That's what I read in the tabloids anyway. In an interview, Zora reveals that she's never even been in First Class before. Zora looks out the window and marvels at the scenery. Evan stands on the tarmac, waiting for her plane to land. Zora voice-overs that she thinks Evan is great, but every time she hangs out with him, she learns something about him that makes him seem even greater. Evan is wearing jeans, a baggy sweater, and hiking boots, like, they're not even married yet and he's already totally given up on dressing nice. Zora lands and spots a rainbow and says that it can't be real. In an interview, she says she never saw such a beautiful rainbow in her life, and that it was too beautiful to experience alone. Evan walks into the plane. He voice-overs that he's not sure if he's into Zora because he likes her or because she presents a challenge. Zora appears in the doorway and asks if he saw the rainbow. He did. Zora gives him a big hug and keeps talking about the rainbow. I expect the editors to cut in a shot of a unicorn flying by or something. Zora asks where they are, and Evan reveals that they are in Corsica. Evan voice-overs that Corsica is an island in the Mediterranean, as if he knew that before the producers fed him that line.
Zora and Evan arrive at their vehicle. The driver opens the door for Zora and she gets in and scoots over to make room for Evan. The problem is that Evan already walked around to the other side to use the other door. Zora doesn't notice, so he scoots back around to the original side. Hee! That was funny in a totally unplanned way. Evan and Zora check out the scenery on their drive. They go by a construction site, like, do you get it? Maybe Evan, upon seeing the equipment, will be overcome with emotion and start crying about how he misses Bessie, his backhoe. Zora chomps on her gum and asks if Evan was checking out the building site. Evan laughs and says that she busted him checking out the bulldozer. Evan tells her that she's the only person who would notice him checking it out.
Zora and Evan stand on top of a hill and look at the scenery. In an interview, Evan says that with Zora, even when they weren't talking, they were still having a blast and smiling. Zora says she didn't think it would get much better than horseback riding, but this is the best. They're totally drinking champagne out of Dixie cups, like, the production staff couldn't at least spring for plastic champagne flutes? Evan tells her it'll be even better when they get to the hotel. They get back into the car. Evan plays with Zora's hair and smells it, like, is he part monkey or what? Is he going to start grooming her? Evan voice-overs that he wanted to kiss Zora but he knew that it was important that he couldn't force her or she would stop trusting him. Well, it's good to know that otherwise he would have forced her to kiss him. Because that's sexy. And legal.
Zora and Evan arrive at the hotel. In an interview, Zora says the hotel was nice and seemed cozy. Evan goes to her room to get her for dinner. She's wearing a strappy black top and skirt and heels with her hair up. He's wearing a green cotton sweater and khaki pants. Seriously. Didn't Paul help him pick out some appropriate outfits? In an interview, Evan says that he wanted their date to be special, but the first thing out of his mouth was, "Did you get that breast in Paris?" Way to step on the joke, editors. Because then we see Evan, at dinner, stammering, "Did you, uh, did you bring that breast, that uh dress with you, or...?" How much funnier would that have been if he hadn't told us he was about to say it? And then they could have replayed it a few times. Also, smooth move, Ex-Lax. And I can't believe he's still claiming to be a leg man. Zora laughs and asks if he wants to finish his sentence. Evan blushes. Zora says she's going to kick him under the table, and then pulls up her top and says that it's a skirt and a top. Her boobs really are being pushed up and over the top, though. Evan blushes some more. Zora asks if the food is salmon, and Evan says he thinks it is, as they both desperately try to change the subject. In an interview, Evan says that she laughed about it.
The waiter asks if they will be having dessert to the pool. Evan says that they'll have it right there at the table. In an interview, Evan says that Zora didn't want to go to the pool, because she didn't want to wear a bathing suit. Evan tells her that if she doesn't want to go to the pool, they're not going. Zora utters my least favorite phrase ever, but especially coming from a woman: "I don't know. What do you want to do?" Have an opinion! In an interview, Zora says that she didn't want to wear a bathing suit, because she would be uncomfortable. Evan tells her not to let him force her into anything. Evan talks a lot about forcing his dates to do things. It's almost like he would enjoy seeing a woman be tied up and tickled. Maybe Sarah could help him out with that.
Cut to Zora and Evan walking out to the pool. Evan is wearing a robe, and Zora is wearing her pajamas, I think. She's wearing pink cotton shorts and a blue hoodie. What I don't get is, if she's so paranoid about how she looks in a bathing suit, why bring one? Or why bring a bikini? It seems kind of coy to be like, "Oh, no! I hate how I look in a bathing suit! Let me try it on for you and I'll show you what I mean. It's right here in my suitcase." In an interview, Evan says that Zora doesn't like the way she looks, and he's "dumbfounded by that." Well, he's dumb all right, but I don't know about the rest of it. Evan goes for a swim while Zora stands on the side wearing a robe. Evan voice-overs that Zora made the mistake of coming to the side of the pool. Evan and Zora do a little splashy splashy and then Evan kind of knocks her off-balance and she jumps in. He didn't really pull her in, though. Like two seconds later, the robe is totally off and she's swimming. Plus, she's underwater, so who cares? In an interview, Zora says that Evan got her to wear her bathing suit. Yeah, looked like she needed a lot of convincing there. They frolic in the pool a bit, and end up kind of hugging and floating. Evan voice-overs that when Zora lets her guard down, they have a good time together. They kiss right there in the pool. In an interview, Evan says that he finally got a kiss from Zora, and he thinks she was just waiting for the perfect moment. The background music sounds like a commercial for a new show on Lifetime. But because Zora is "the good girl," the editors don't imply that she had sex with Evan like they did with Melissa.
The morning, Zora cavorts in the surf as she voice-overs that Evan is a great guy and very considerate, but that she doesn't know how he feels about her. Evan wakes up and joins Zora for breakfast outside. Evan asks what time Zora got up, and she says she got up at 5:00 AM and then went back to sleep and had a dream about him. This is clearly a rehash of an earlier conversation because he already knows something about the dream. Apparently, he was telling Zora that his name was John C-Something. In an interview, Evan says that Zora had a dream that he was two different people. Zora talks about her dream some more, and there really is nothing more boring than people talking about their dreams, is there? Even when they are dramatic psychic dreams. Evan looks like he's about to puke. He asks her if he said, "John Smith." So now he's on The Dead Zone? ["Shout-out!" -- Wing Chun] Zora says that wasn't it. In an interview, Evan says that every time he hangs out with Zora, she freaks him out in one way or another. Evan says he doesn't believe in that whole dream thing. See, I would have just told her that her dream clearly means that she thinks Evan isn't being honest about his feelings for her, or that he treats her differently in public than in private, or that she's concerned about death. Just make some shit up! No one knows what dreams mean, really. Evan nervously gulps down a glass of water like it's his job, clearly wishing it was something stronger. Zora asks if he's ready to go.
The car ride back to the airport is filled with awkward silence. In an interview, Evan says that after hearing about Zora's dream, he could barely look her in the eye, and "maybe she's some kind of psychic or something." Is anyone getting the feeling that they're setting us up for a finale where Zora reveals that she knew the truth all along because she is psychic? Evan and Zora both chomp on their gum and look out the windows until they get on the plane and head back to the chateau.
Melissa and Sarah eat a meal together. Paul walks in and neither of the women even says hello to him, and Sarah just says, "We thought you were Zora." I'm sure that as soon as Paul walked out of frame, he flipped her the bird behind her back. That's what happened in my version of the story, anyway. Paul responds that he's not Zora, and that he thought she could distinguish between them by now. Not one smile out of either woman.
Zora pulls up in the car and Paul lets her out. In an interview, Melissa says that if she met Zora in a coffee shop, she wouldn't give out her number. Who makes friends by giving out your phone number in a coffee shop? That was a weird thing to say. Melissa says she can't wait to see if Zora had a good time. Sarah can't wait to find out if Zora wore her bathing suit. Zora and Paul enter and Melissa is all fake-y nice, like, "Hi Zora!" with this really fake laugh, and then she tells Zora she likes her shirt. The editors really do a good job with letting these women hang themselves with their own rope, eh? Zora tells the other women that it was beautiful. Sarah asks if she slept, and Zora says not very much. In an interview, Sarah says they were trying to get some feedback from Zora. Melissa gives Sarah the bitchface in reference to Zora's silence.
In an interview, Zora says she's different from the other women, and doesn't know if they would be friends outside the show. Melissa asks if Zora kissed him, and Zora says it was nothing big. Melissa and Sarah want to hear more, and Zora stalls. In an interview, Zora says she didn't offer many details, and that she's sure that they had private moments with Evan that they didn't share. Well, we know Sarah did. Melissa and Sarah continue to pepper Zora with questions, and she reveals that there was a heated indoor pool. Sarah asks if the conversation was good, and Zora agrees that it was. Sarah offers a really, really insincere "Greeeeat!" In an interview, Melissa says that Zora is very mysterious regarding how she feels about Evan. In an interview that I think we've seen about twice already, Sarah says, "Now is the time, if he's falling for one of us, it would behoove the rest of us to know that." The only other person I've ever heard use the word "behoove" is Muffy from Square Pegs, as excellently portrayed by one Jami Gertz. I think they're trying to make it out like Zora is being purposely quiet, but I got the impression that she's not supposed to share a lot of information since Sarah hasn't gone on her surprise date. I mean, Melissa didn't come in and spill everything either. Sarah brings up the elimination ceremony. Melissa thinks it'll be interesting. Sarah says that sitting in the room is the worst part, along with the speech Evan gives afterward. That reminds Zora that she told Evan that Melissa hates his little speeches. Melissa's face falls and she goes, "Zoraaa!" Zora apologizes. Oh, like she didn't know that would make Melissa look like a bitch. Man, the claws are out. In an interview, Melissa says she thinks Zora is very sweet, but perhaps not innocent. She concludes, "Maybe there's a little more to Zora than we all know." Man, they are totally hinting at something here. I'm sticking with the psychic prediction.
Time for Sarah's date. She primps in the car on the way to the airport. In an interview, Sarah says she grew up in a small town and that she's imagining what it would be like to have access to everything she ever wanted. In an interview, Evan says he's been looking forward to his date with Sarah, because they always have a great time together and he's almost positive this will be no exception. It's the most innocuous statement, but in light of last week's slurp-and-gulp fest, it seems like everything Evan says is filled with innuendo. Evan says that he really likes Sarah because she's "really classy and cultured." Boy, did she pull the wool over his eyes or what? Sarah and Evan arrive at her hotel. She gasps over the hotel. Evan voice-overs that they're staying in a hotel just outside Nice, and it's "supposedly a really exclusive resort for the rich and famous." Evan tells Sarah to get settled in and he'll be back to get her shortly.
Sarah unpacks her makeup first. She pops open a bottle of champagne and manages not to kill anyone with the cork. She eats a cookie or something and makes these oohing and aahing noises like an Herbal Essences ad. In an interview, Sarah says that she's not a big seductress, but she doesn't want to get eliminated . In other words, she'll blow him again for a shot at the round. Sarah downs another glass of champagne and then starts digging through her bag, moaning. In an interview, Sarah says that "the stupid steward had left [her] dress on the plane." Man, suddenly she's Leona Helmsley or something. Sarah tells someone (herself?) that she doesn't understand why someone couldn't have tracked the dress down. She finishes getting ready and tells someone (the camera crew?) that it's not what she had in mind.
Evan knocks on the door. Sarah immediately launches into a litany of complaints about how her dress was lost, the converter didn't work, and her shoe broke. Well, we know she doesn't mind going without shoes if the price is right. Evan tells her that she looks phenomenal. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah is "full of life" and "positive about everything." Sarah? That Sarah on my screen? I guess by "full of life," he means "easy" and by "positive about everything," he means "positive I can get some nookie." In an interview, Sarah says that Evan isn't totally her type, because he's "a little rough around the edges, but that can change in time."
At dinner, Sarah describes in detail what kind of wine she wants. I know nothing about wine, but when she says she wants "berry flavor but not grapey," it sounds like a wine cooler might be in order. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah is knowledgeable about food and wine, and that it's made his experience with her pleasurable. Sarah picks out her dinner as Evan urges her to just get a steak. She corrects Evan on what part of the menu to look at. Sarah's meal comes and Evan is all up in her business, checking it out. She has a plate of gnocchi. Evan asks what's in them. She says it's cream puff dough. Evan says he meant what's inside them. Sarah says, "Nothing," really bitchy-like. She explains that you just roll the dough and cut the dough. Evan says he's seen some with fillings. Sarah says, "Gnocchi?" Evan says he's seen them with meat inside. Sarah bitches, "No, that's ravioli," and it's like she has to totally restrain herself from adding, "Fucking idiot." Which Evan is, don't get me wrong, but she didn't have to be such a bitch about it. In an interview, Sarah says that Evan is not "extraneously intellectual." So he doesn't have any extra intellect lying around? I don't think that word means what she thinks it does. Sarah adds that you don't have to think someone is fabulous all of the time. Okay, but if you don't think that on your third date? Seems like a red flag.
Sarah gives Evan some of her gnocchi and he thinks it's great and is pissed that he didn't get it. She keeps feeding him pieces. Well, actually I think they show her feeding him from two different angles to make it look like it happened more often. Evan keeps wishing he got the gnocchi. He pretends to put ears up like a begging puppy and she gives him another piece. Sarah keeps making the orgasm noises. The waiter returns and Evan asks if there's more gnocchi. In an interview, Evan says that he got two entrees at dinner. Evan's gnocchi arrives and he's a happy man. Did he really eat a whole steak and then a whole other entrée? Damn.
Evan and Sarah walk outside and Sarah exclaims over how big and bright the moon is. Evan's like, "Buuuuuuuuurrrp!" Because, dude! He just ate a lot of food! Evan opens yet another bottle of champagne and manages to hit himself in the face. Sarah laughs and laughs. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah was having a good time and enjoying his company. Sarah tells Evan to climb a nearby tree. Evan asks why, and Sarah says she just wanted to see if he'd do it. Not the most stimulating conversation, but better than toe fungus. In an interview, Sarah says that it was perfect. They cuddle closer. The editors totally dub in footage that was taken from a different conversation over a long shot of Evan and Sarah together. Sarah says she trusts Evan. He says that he's a guy and not a white knight and he's not perfect. Sarah replies that she feels comfortable with him. They kiss. In an interview, Evan says that it was good. They kiss some more.
In an interview, Sarah says she didn't want their good time to end. Evan walks Sarah back to her room. In an interview, Evan says he thought he'd be a gentleman and give her a kiss goodnight. They kiss. Evan promises to call her the morning and leaves. She changes her clothes and goes and knocks at Evan's door. In an interview, Evan says that not ten minutes later, Sarah was back. Evan opens his door with no shirt on. Sarah says she has to look at something and tells him not to take his pants off yet. "Yet"? Interesting. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah wanted him to look at the moon again, and that they'd already seen it, so he saw through her clever ruse. Evan and Sarah sit out on the balcony snuggling and making out under a blanket. They drink some more champagne. In an interview, Evan says he likes a girl to be more aggressive and let him know it's okay to make a move. He does? Then why does he like Zora? In an interview, Evan says he was thinking to himself that Sarah could be the one. Sarah makes more orgasm noises as they snuggle. In an interview, Sarah says she thinks she had Evan's undivided attention, which was her plan. Hey, I don't see all four hands, people! In an interview, Evan says, "What was going on under the blanket? Uh, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." Then they show the Closed Hotel Door of Implied Sex.
The morning, Sarah heads out onto the balcony in a robe. In an interview, Sarah says she's broken every rule she set for herself on the show. Evan asks Sarah if she's ready to go, and she says she still has to dry her hair, but they can say goodbye. In an interview, Evan says that he would rate Sarah's date a 9 on a romance level. In an interview, Sarah says she's used to the hotel and it feels like home. Wasn't she there barely twenty-four hours? Evan walks Sarah to the car and they kiss goodbye. As she heads for the plane, she voice-overs, "It really blew me away, and it takes a lot to blow me away." So...many...blowjob....jokes. Brain...cannot...compute. On the plane, Sarah says she could definitely get used to this and then they cut in a shot of the construction site and Bessie the Backhoe again to remind us of Evan's true love.
Evan voice-overs that after Sarah left, he was alone for the first time in weeks and he started feeling the weight of his decision. Evan sits on a bench and thinks real hard. I think smoke is coming out of his ears. And possibly his pants as well.
The three women sit in a...sitting room, I guess. Sarah bellows for Paul. He walks into the room and tells them that eliminations are the day. They all thank him, and Melissa asks if he knows who will be eliminated. Paul asks if she knows and they all laugh. The women sit! And bells chime dramatically!
Evan walks onto the balcony of his hotel. In an interview, Evan says that it was getting too intense. Really, really fake thunder and lightning. Waves crashing. When did this turn into the "Boys of Summer" video? I think I just saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Evan sits in bed. They try to make it out like he's tossing and turning, but I totally think he's just watching TV. Then comes the cheesiest montage of all. They make it out like Evan is remembering when Alex introduced him as Evan Wallace, and said that he inherited fifty million dollars. Of course, it would be impossible for Evan to remember that, since he wasn't even there when she said it! Unless he's psychic like Zora.
3:30 A.M. Evan's voice echoes as he says, "I'm not a millionaire. I just spent a month pretending I'm a millionaire." Wow, really? So you mean he's like a lowly construction worker or something? In an interview, Evan says he needed to talk to someone about it, and that the only people who knew the secret of the show were the producers. Waves crash dramatically. Some on-screen text tells us that Evan is talking to Ray Giuliani, Producer. I wonder if he's related to Rudy. Also, in the footage they show us (which is all surveillance-style), Evan's movements totally don't match what he's actually saying, so it was clearly dubbed. Evan says he's had time to think, especially in the shower, and that the more time he spends by himself, he realizes that the girls haven't been able to know the real him from the start, and that it's not right. And he didn't realize it. Did he not understand the premise of the show? This revelation seems a bit too conveniently timed to happen just before the finale. Thunder and lightning. Evan says he has to go up to the woman he picks and explain that he lied the whole time. So he really doesn't feel bad about lying. He just doesn't want to have to deal with what happens when he tells the truth. Evan says he's been telling "blatant lies." Producer Ray reminds Evan that the whole thing is about finding out who likes him for him. Which still seems messed up to me, but whatever. Evan says he's never lied to get a girl in bed. Yeah, right. I've lied to get a girl into bed, and I've never slept with a girl. It's just that common. Evan concludes, "And now, I'm doing the biggest fucking...I'm living the biggest fucking lie in front of America [and Canada!] and I think it's just the most ironic fucking thing in the world. The more I think about it, the more it eats my fucking brain out, because I really like those girls." Wow it's a good thing Evan had those two entrees on his date with Sarah, because otherwise after eating his own brain, he'd definitely still be hungry. Also, ew. Also, shut up, Evan. Also, enough with the fake lightning already.
The sun rises the morning and everything is suddenly better. In an interview, Evan says that things seemed a lot clearer in the morning (read: the producers showed me the contract I'd signed and told me they'd sue me if I dropped out now). Evan flies back to the chateau. In an interview, Evan says he has to pick one of the three women, and he has to figure out which one will accept him after hearing the truth. Wing Chun and I worked out a whole vision of what will happen when the women find out the truth, where it's like Dante's Inferno and Evan is punished by each woman in a personal way. Like Melissa will make him eat badly cooked food, and Sarah will tie him up and tickle him while shoving her dirty feet in his face and Zora will be like the Aquaman of the forest and summon all of the deer and rabbits and woodchucks to attack. That would be awesome.
The three women enter the sitting room. In an interview, Melissa says that, deep down, she didn't think she'd be eliminated. In an interview, Zora says she was nervous, but thankful she made it as far as she did. Man, now that fucking Mojo's gone, I don't have any clothes to rip on...oh, dear. Alex just walked in. Her outfit is very "Thunder only happens when it's raining." She welcomes them back from their "jetsetting adventures." Why is her skin so, so pale? Alex reveals that two of the women will get diamond pendants and then concludes, "I'll go get Evan." Wow, that was the most screen time she's had in weeks. Her agent must have placed a few calls or something. After careful review of the emails I got as a result of my plea last week, my final theory on Alex is that she was really bitchy and high-maintenance during the shoot, and the producers were like, "Well, we've got Paul. He's easy. And people seem to like him. Or at least, they don't want him dead. Let's cut Alex out as much as possible and fly Paul back to L.A. to record some voice-overs and we'll do a whole Masterpiece Theatre segment to begin and end the shows." But that's just my theory.
Sarah mouths to Melissa, "A pendant is a necklace, right?" How can you not know what a pendant is? The women wait nervously until Evan and Paul arrive. Evan is wearing a sweater, black pants, and hiking boots, like, way to dress up to hand out diamond pendants, dude.
Evan says hello to the women and asks if they are rested, and if they're nervous. He guesses that they're not half as nervous as he is. They laugh politely. Evan says he knows they don't want speeches, so he'll cut to the chase. Melissa shoots Zora a dirty look. In an interview, Sarah says she goes into the elimination ceremonies with an idea of what might happen, and she's not that nervous about this one because she totally put out. I might have added on that last part. Paul calls out the first name, which is...oh dear God, they are really drawing this out. The string section gets a workout until Paul finally calls Sarah's name. In an interview, Evan says, "I think Sarah and I will do some bondage." What? That's what I heard. Let me check the captioning. Oh, he really said, "I think Sarah and I have really bonded." Sorry about that. Evan voice-overs that he doesn't think Sarah's feelings for him are all tied up with money. Sarah thanks Evan and sits back down.
Everyone stares at each other for, like, twenty more minutes, like, please get on with it already! The camera ZOOOOOOOMS in on the final diamond. Diamond! Superstar! The diamond is like, "Dude, don't make me go home with Melissa. She's scary." The shots go: Melissa, Zora, Sarah, diamond, Melissa, Zora, Evan, and Paul. Finally, Paul says, "Zzzzzzora!" You know he enjoyed that. Zora pops up. Behind her back, Sarah and Melissa totally make faces at each other like, "What's up with that? We both put out and she gets to stay? Hell, no!" In an interview, Evan says that Zora is mysterious and intriguing, which is sexy, and she makes him feel like a kid again. In other words, she might give him a handjob, but that's about it. Zora returns to her seat.
Melissa has a look on her face like she's just realizing how badly she whored herself out for no reward. In an interview, Evan says he didn't have feelings for Melissa, and that while she's cute, something was missing. Evan tells Zora and Sarah he'll see them tomorrow. Melissa jumps up and manically asks for a hug goodbye. Evan hugs her and then he and Paul walk out. Melissa wants to see the necklaces. As she examines Zora's, she pretends she's going to rip it off, but I totally would not have been surprised if she actually had, because this show is just that trashy. Paul returns and tells Melissa that it's time to go. Sarah gives Melissa a quick hug, as does Zora.
Sarah tells Zora that their necklaces are gorgeous. In an interview, Sarah says it's becoming clearer to her why the two of them are left, because they have a lot in common. They do? What? Hair? Two eyes? In an interview, Zora says she can't imagine that Evan could have picked two girls who were more different. Heh. Sarah says she can't believe that they're at the end and raises her scary eyebrows. Sarah doesn't think there will be any relaxing from here on out.
Melissa packs. In an interview, Melissa gets tears in her eyes and clears her throat. Paul walks her out. In an interview, Melissa says that she had a good time and then gets all choked up. She says that Evan is a great guy who made her feel at home and safe. Paul hugs Melissa goodbye. In an interview, Melissa says that Evan is missing out. Melissa's car pulls away.
Back at the chateau, Evan returns to his old friend, the demon alcohol. He sits at the kitchen table and downs a beer. In an interview, Evan says he's been dreading this from the beginning, because it's down to two girls and he has to pick one of them and tell her that he's been lying this whole time. Evan gulps down some beer and then stares at it, probably thinking, "I wish I could just marry beer."
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul tells us to join him week, and says that it's a good thing the show's almost over because he's almost out of cognac. As Eddie Izzard would say, he really does like to leave us with that sort of "eh" feeling, no?
Coming up (but note that it's not necessarily week): They show a lot of clips that we've already seen as Evan talks about how difficult the decision will be. We see Evan telling someone that he hasn't chosen her, and also saying (to the same woman?) that what he's about to say might come as a shock. People on the forums were concerned that a shot of Sarah getting a necklace was a spoiler, but it's totally a clip from the first episode of her getting her pearl necklace (hee!). I still think the coolest ending would be if they brought back all of the eliminated contestants and we got to see their faces when they found out that Evan is poor. I just can't believe that the production company missed that boat, so I choose to believe they're saving it all for the finale. Or maybe week will be the alternates finding out, and then the following week is the two-hour finale. Who knows? I'll see you week.