Previously on Joe Millionaire: Evan and the women went to Paris. Sarah got to go dancing. Mojo wore her fucking hat to the Moulin Rouge. Evan practically told Zora his secret and she barely even noticed. My best friend Alison was mercifully sent home before she could do something that might ruin our friendship.
MasterCheese Theatre. Paul says that Evan and the women are returning to the chateau, and he wonders, without the distractions of Paris, which of the women will enjoy "the pleasure of Evan's company, or as Evan would say 'hanging out.'" If that was supposed to be an example of how Evan is uncultured, it was a pretty lame one.
Paul welcomes Evan back to the chateau. In an interview, Evan says he's anxious to get on with the process. Up in one of the women's rooms, Melissa shadow boxes like she's training for a prize fight. It would be awesome if they reenacted scenes from the various Rocky movies. Man, the editors are missing out on a potential bonanza here. They could have Sarah punching sides of frozen beef in a meat locker, and Melissa running up the steps of the chateau and then doing a victory dance at the top, capped off by Mojo chasing chickens out in the countryside. And then Zora could walk up to Melissa and go, "I will break you!" and they would pound gloves. Ding ding!
No such luck. Instead, we get boring Evan unpacking boringly with Paul's help. Evan voice-overs that now that they are back in the chateau, there's no schedule and everything is more real. Yes, there is no schedule except for the fact that he has to eliminate one of the women occasionally, and it's more real except for the part where he's told them all he has $50 million. I can see what he means there. Zora spots Mojo picking petals off a flower, like, who does that seriously past the age of seventeen? Zora asks, "So, does he love you?" and Mojo answers, "Of course!" In an interview, Evan says that this is where we find out what it's all about. Well, I'm glad that I suffered through the first three episodes that were apparently a waste of time.
Frenchy music plays as Evan and Sarah grab some bikes out in front of the chateau. Evan suggests that they do a Laverne & Shirley thing and ride double. Ah, riding double. My friend Gretchen and I used to ride double on her pink Huffy (even though I had my own perfectly fine bike) up to the convenience store in town to buy candy, and then on the way home we would start laughing so hard that we would fall off the bike. Good times. Anyway, Evan gets points for the pop culture reference, but it would have been enhanced by his also singing the theme song. In an interview, Evan says that he and Sarah are going on a bike ride and will stop for a wine tasting. As they ride off, Sarah says that there will be no racing. In an interview, Evan says he thinks it'll be a fun date. He offers to push her on her bike. They arrive at the vineyard. In an interview, Sarah says that she's happy to have Evan's undivided attention.
Evan voice-overs that when they arrived, the owner led them into a room with a bunch of different wines. Apparently, the owner or director or whatever of this place only speaks French, which seems like a big gaffe on the part of the location scout. Or was it? It was probably a set-up. Evan voice-overs that there was a bit of a communication barrier, so they decided just to nod and hold their glasses out for refills. Evan and Sarah drink their wine, and this really just reminds me of how people around here take limousine buses to go on "wine tasting tours" in the Finger Lakes region, which is really just a fancy-sounding way of having a kegger on wheels. In my experience, it's not about tasting the wine. It's about guzzling the wine. Which is fine, really, but let's not pretend these people are trying to improve their palates. Evan says that one wine tastes like a wine cooler. Hee! Wine coolers are funny. In an interview, Evan says that they kept "drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking." Sarah giggles and asks if they have to ride the bikes back. Evan says that they have to finish everything, and from the footage they showed, it looked like the guy opened, like, ten bottles. I suspect he really only opened two or three and they just showed it from various angles. Sarah says she can at least drink one bottle, and Evan says he'll drink everybody under the table. Sarah is giggly and impressed.
In an interview, Evan says at first he thought Sarah was "a goody goody," but after a few drinks, it seemed like she might have a wild side. Sarah says something about "reckless abandon." In an interview, Sarah says that they had a good time and then it sounds like she says that she knew she would make it to the end, but she also might have said she knew she wouldn't make it to the end, and my captioning isn't working for some reason, but that seems like a crucial bit of information. Sorry. Anyway, she says she was trying to feel Evan out on what he wanted to do with his money. Sarah asks Evan how his life will change, and if he'll travel the world. Evan sighs and says he doesn't know. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah seemed interested in the money and he wanted to change the subject, but he also wanted to kiss her, so he did. Evan runs his ham hands through Sarah's hair. He kisses her, and she puts her hand on the side of his face and then on his shoulder. In an interview, Evan says he was taking the step to get a little closer and she was "totally ready." And then they rewind and play the same exact clip from a minute ago where she puts her hand on his shoulder. In an interview, Evan says, "The heat was on." And then they rewind and play the same clip. They were trying to make it look like they made out for a really long time, but really they just showed the same clip three times. I thought Evan was ham-handed, but the editing might be even worse.
Evan and Sarah ride their bikes in the moonlight back to the chateau. In an interview, Evan says that between the kissing and the drinking, they wanted to get close, so they headed for the front lawn. Sarah and Evan try to sneak away from the cameras, without much luck at first. Of course, they totally forget that even if the camera can't see them, their microphones are still on. Amateurs. In an interview, Sarah says they thought it was now or never. Evan and Sarah continue to walk through the grounds, talking about how the camera crews are totally on to them. In an interview, Evan says that the deeper they got into the woods, the more exciting it got. In an interview, Sarah says they decided to ditch the camera crew. The captioner is reduced to writing things like, "Shhh!" and "He he," which should technically probably be "Hee hee!" but you get the point. Evan and Sarah have completely disappeared from camera range by now.
In an interview, Evan says he realized that he and Sarah were finally alone, and that's when "everything kind of kicked into a different gear and it started to get a little more intimate." Oh, but don't you worry! The classy people at Fox wouldn't deprive you of this aural experience. We get to hear Evan and Sarah making out, and see their sounds written on the screen. All your favorites are here, such as, "Mwah" and "Mmm." Meanwhile, Zora is washing out a piece of clothing in the sink. What? What in the hell does that have to do with anything? Is Sarah not supposed to kiss Evan because poor Zora's clothes are dirty? I don't get it. Sarah suggests that they lie down, and then the sounds turn to things like "Slurp" and "Gulp" and I don't even want to know what that last noise was supposed to imply but I think I'm going to throw up. I feel like oral sex was just implied, but I don't know who was supposed to be the giver and who was supposed to be the receiver, and frankly, I don't need or want to know and oh, dear. But seriously. "Gulp"?
Meanwhile, Zora and Mojo are allegedly playing chess, but I refuse to believe that Mojo knows how. Although if you look at the playing pieces, Mojo has captured one of Zora's, and Zora has captured pretty much all of Mojo's, so I guess that could be legit. More noises from Evan and Sarah, including additional slurps and smacks and rustling and giggling. Okay, the captioning is kind of funny, but it went on a little too long, like, we get it! They're making out! And possibly doing other intimate things. Ooh! Sarah giggles and says, "Scandal!" Yes, I'm sure that tomorrow people will be gathered around the water cooler saying, "Can you believe the slurping? And the gulping?" Okay, they might, but only if Mojo doesn't wear another hat this week, and what are the chances of that? Not bloody likely.
In an interview, Evan says that after they had time to kiss a little bit, they were much more comfortable. Evan and Sarah walk into the chateau. Sarah says that it's more exercise than she's had in a month, obviously referring to the biking. In an interview, Sarah says that she felt comfortable with anything, and that her date was effortless. Evan and Sarah talk about how great their date was and kiss goodnight. Why are they both suddenly wearing completely different outfits? Did they go change before saying good night? I'm so confused.
Melissa and Sarah stand outside and smoke. Melissa asks Sarah how her date was, and Sarah says that it was fabulous. Melissa asks if she kissed Evan. Sarah says that she gave him a good night peck, and that they had a lot of fun. Sarah relights her cigarette and says that she forgot that she totally kissed Evan at the wine tasting. They edit in a shot of Melissa looking pissed off, which is so obviously not a reaction to what Sarah just said, so whatever. Melissa jokes that Sarah has done everything she said she wouldn't do on TV, which is disrespectful. Sarah rolls her eyes like, "What are you gonna do?" They head inside and say good night. In an interview, Melissa says she feels torn because if one girl feels like she loves Evan, Melissa doesn't want to take that away from someone, but she'd be lying herself if she said she didn't want to be one of the last people there. Sarah goes to bed. Melissa tells Mojo that Sarah is drunk. I think Mojo has patchwork jeans on. In an interview, Mojo says that Sarah came home "a little tipsy" from her date and Mojo thought that would make a bad impression, but obviously Evan didn't mind. Yes, because guys like Evan really hate it when their dates get drunk and make out with them.
Melissa gets ready for her date with Evan by applying mascara and affecting a terrible Southern accent to say that she wants to have Evan's baby. Melissa is one of those people who is really not that funny, but she probably hangs out with people who basically have no personality so she's the funniest one in the group. And she laughs hysterically at herself all of the time, which is kind of annoying. In an interview, Evan says that he and Melissa were going to cook dinner on their date, which is good because he's kind of hungry. Heh. Sometimes Evan is funny, but I'm not entirely convinced that it's intentional. Evan asks Paul what he should wear for his date, and Paul allows that it's okay to wear jeans. Evan pulls on one of the two sweaters he ever wears. In an interview, Evan says that he considers this a casual date, so he's just going to wear sweatpants and flip-flops. Okay, flip-flops are unacceptable, especially if you're a man, and especially if you're going to be near food. No one wants to look at your hammertoes while they're making a stir-fry. And Evan has some seriously ugly feet. Zora brings in a top for Melissa to wear, and points out that her boobs will stretch the shirt out. I'm not sure if they consider that a good or bad thing. Evan has ditched the sweatpants for jeans, and taken off the sweater as he heads upstairs to begin the date. Melissa is wearing the boob top mentioned earlier, and boy, is it boobtastic. She also didn't bother drying her hair and I understand that she has curly hair issues but it looks crappy and unfinished. She asks where they are going on their date and Evan says they're just going to the kitchen to cook.
Evan and Melissa head downstairs. In an interview, Melissa says that when Evan told her they were going to cook, she was like, "Oh, greeeeeat!" and she makes a face like when you open a really ugly birthday present from your aunt. In the kitchen, Melissa flirts with Paul, so maybe she doesn't really understand the purpose of this show. In an interview, Melissa says, "Like, seriously, I do not. Cook." Evan pulls some food out of the fridge. It looks like some sort of steaks or possibly pork chops. ["Here's where I started feeling sorry for Melissa, because if I were confronted with a box of steak or pork chops, I would not know what to do with them. Brown them? Seriously, I'd be at a loss unless there was a gas barbecue around, and I doubt there was one at the chateau." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Evan says, "I don't think she's really domesticated, and not that I'm looking for a woman that's domesticated." I think Evan is confusing "domestic" with "domesticated" here. He sounds like he's discussing taking a dingo into his home or something. Evan concludes, "I can't afford fancy dinners every night, so it would be nice to be with someone that at least knows her way around a kitchen." Yeah, it's called Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Look into it.
Evan asks Melissa to find him a bowl, some butter, and some garlic. In an interview, Melissa says she didn't know where anything was in the kitchen. She opens the fridge, looking for garlic. In the fridge? She says she doesn't know what it looks like. How can you not know what garlic looks like? Although I must confess that my mom always used garlic powder instead of fresh garlic, so when I tried to cook a nice meal (lasagna) for my then boyfriend, I thought a head of garlic was what the recipe called a clove of garlic. Yes, I put an entire head of garlic into the lasagna. Yes, my boyfriend ate it anyway. Yes, it tasted like baked ass. But I was twenty-two years old, and it was my first time living on my own with an actual kitchen. Anyway.
In an interview, Melissa says that she thought it was a joke, so Evan cooked everything. Melissa says that she's ready to eat as Evan slaves away over a hot stove. Melissa also could not have worn a less practical shirt for cooking -- it's got those split flappy sleeves that are just waiting to go up in flames. Melissa wanders aimlessly about the kitchen. Couldn't she, like, chop the garlic or something? You don't have to know how to cook in order to cut shit up. ["Exactly, which is why that's my job in our household." -- Wing Chun] Melissa finds the garlic and shows it to Evan, who smells it and says that they're onions. It's totally garlic. Who's the dumb-ass now? In an interview, Melissa says that the cooking was a disaster. Melissa finds some mushrooms in the fridge and suggests cooking them. Evan tells her to do that while he cooks the steak, but she doesn't know how. Paul shows up and rummages through the fridge until he finds some salad. Melissa offers to make that. Evan tells Paul to remind him to fire the chef. Ha? I don't get it. Melissa hacks away at some tomatoes like she's chopping firewood. In an interview, Melissa says that the date was not romantic at all. Evan announces that everything is almost done. Melissa asks if it looks good, and Evan says that it looks kind of burnt. I don't know what the hell he was trying to do there, but he's using about ten pans and, based on the finished product, I think he cooked each thing in its own pan. I don't know.
In an interview, Melissa says, "So, the meal's done, if you want to call it a meal." Should she be criticizing when all she did was make the salad? Evan figures out how to use the corkscrew and opens a bottle of wine. Clearly, he does have some experience in that arena. They toast their meal. In an interview, Melissa says that they sat down at the nice dinner table and their meal looked like dog food. Oh, dear. It looks like Evan tried to make sort of a sirloin tip/mushroom combo served over egg noodles, but there's no sauce to speak of, so the noodles are going to be a bit dry, and the mushrooms are kind of burnt and shriveled. Melissa starts laughing at the food, which seems kind of mean. Maybe I'm still sensitive about the lasagna incident. And did they already eat the salad or what? In an interview, Melissa says she couldn't stop laughing. Melissa tells Evan that she thought the meal was a joke and that they would get a real dinner soon. Evan says that this is the real dinner. He tries to put some egg noodles on his plate but they're all clumped together. He chews and looks like he wants to spit it out. He tells Melissa that she'll be cleaning up, which seems fair. Melissa princesses, "Yeah, right! I don't clean." In an interview, Evan says Melissa is fun but he got the feeling that she's the type of woman who needs to be pampered. ["Because she can't cook you a steak? Shut up, Evan. I'm sure she was kidding about the cleaning, besides which, if I were living in a house with a butler, I might not really think I'd have to clean anything, either. I know Melissa kind of sucks, but as a fellow non-cook, I feel Evan's being a jerk." -- Wing Chun]
Evan gets philosophical as he asks Melissa, "If you were in my position, what would you want to do with the, you know, the funds that you were made, were made available to you?" Wow, I bet he wasn't fed that question by the producers, based on the incredibly awkward wording. Melissa launches into this speech about how she would go to a Third World country and "bathe their children and give shots and do things like that." "Bathe their children"? I thought she just said she doesn't clean. Also, of all the things you could do for poverty-stricken children, I think that bathing them is about at the bottom of the list. How about feeding them? Melissa concludes, "But that's me. I'm a mercenary kind of person." Bwah! "Mercenary." That's rich. So Evan wants to domesticate her, and she's a mercenary. The best part is that Evan doesn't even bat an eyelash, so he clearly didn't even notice that she meant "missionary." Also, what a bullshit answer. I'm so sure she would go to Cambodia and feed the poor. In an interview, Evan says he was confused by her answer, because he doesn't know if she really feels that way or if she's just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear. I'm confused by her answer for a bunch of different reasons. Melissa says she was thinking about it in the hotel, and she wondered if it would get boring to be waited on all the time. I'll answer that: No. It would never get boring. Melissa asks Evan if it would get boring to him, and he just takes another bite of the clumpy noodle/dog food meal. Evan points out that she didn't eat much. Melissa asks if he had fun cooking, and he says he did. Melissa asks if he's mad that she can't cook, and he says he doesn't care, because that's why they made restaurants. Or, you know, frozen dinners.
Evan bids Melissa good night, and again, they're both suddenly wearing different outfits. What is up with that? They barely kiss. In an interview, Melissa says she had a really nice time, but she doesn't know what Evan thinks of her. She adds that every time they are together, they're doing something where she's really out of her element and she doesn't want Evan to think she's "a big baby complainer." Melissa and Sarah sit outside and discuss the date. Melissa says she's never cooked with a boyfriend, and they've always cooked for her. She says that she just got her nails done and now she has all this shit under them. From what? The tomatoes? Sarah says that Evan has enough money to hire a maid. Melissa admits that she didn't kiss him. Sarah says that Melissa has "no game," and that it was a "missed opportunity, retard." I hate Sarah. I hate when people say "retard" to mean "jerk" or "idiot." Sarah reminds Melissa that they discussed strategy. Melissa winces, "Whatever. Just 'cause he's like, Prince Evan." Sarah points out that they're not the ones who get to give out the jewels, and Melissa laughs and agrees. The editors are really going out of their way to make these two seem unlikable. Or maybe they really are unlikable. Either way, yuck.
Zora prepares for her date by using a straightening iron to curl the ends of her hair under, which seems like a bad idea. In an interview, Zora says that "the other girls were smooth and relaxed" on their last dates, and she wasn't. Well, Mojo was relaxed but she definitely wasn't smooth. Evan invites Zora to go for a walk. Is this their date? In an interview, Evan says that Zora was uptight in Paris (read: He totally blew his cover), so he wanted to take her for a walk and see if she was okay (read: if she figured out his secret). The other three women rush over to the window and whisper about Zora and Evan's walk. In an interview, Mojo says they are always wondering what they other women do on their dates. Melissa yells that she bets a hundred Euros that Zora makes out with Evan.
Zora and Evan walk through the woods. Evan says, "And even though that, you know, you weren't, you know, willing to, you know, open up, but that's okay!" You know? That Evan is quite the smooth talker. Evan says he still had a good time. In an interview, Zora says that, to stay sane, she has to keep her guard up, because she's skeptical, and she hasn't even bothered to unpack her suitcase. In an interview, Evan says that Zora told him about her packed suitcase. Zora and Evan arrive back at the chateau. In an interview, Evan says that he thinks Zora is afraid of getting her heart broken. Or she can tell you're a big fucking phony. And I'm not just talking about the money issue. Zora says that some of the women are into "the whole fairy-tale part of it," and that she's not buying it as much. She laughs that she doesn't exactly get character references for him. Evan tells her to trust him. Zora says that Evan hasn't given the women any reason to think he's a bad guy. In an interview, Evan says he feels guilty hanging out with Zora, and that he hates having to reassure her all of the time, so he wanted to get out of the conversation and out of the room.
Evan and Zora walk out. In an interview, Zora says that Evan told her they were going horseback riding and she was psyched. Paul arrives to let Zora know that the horses are there, and suggests that she bring a jacket. Zora meets Evan out front. In an interview, Zora says that she loves nature and animals, so it was a great date for her. Upstairs, Sarah puts a mirror in the window and sees Zora and Evan out front. She says that she wants to go horseback riding too. Evan and Zora mount their horses and trot off. In an interview, Evan says that Zora was in "seventh heaven." Isn't that show on another network? Zora says that she could tell Evan's horse adored him. What is she, the animal psychic? The horse whisperer? The other women watch Zora and Evan leave from the window and complain that Zora already went horseback riding. Um, so did they. ["Nope. Melissa and Sarah picked grapes, and Mojo shoveled coal on the train." -- Wing Chun]
Zora and Evan arrive at a clearing where there is a small gazebo with a picnic set up. Zora says that this must be their destination, and she's getting "that perma-grin again." In an interview, Evan says that her perma-grin could just be from the horseback riding and the nature, and have nothing to do with him. They unpack the picnic basket, and Evan pops the cork on yet another bottle of champagne, like, can he go on a date at any time of day without drinking alcohol? In an interview, Evan says that Zora was really at ease, and that it was the "perfect situation." Zora pets the horse. In an interview, Evan says that he likes being around Zora, and that "she's so good and so decent and sometimes it's like being in a Disney movie." Some fairy-tale-type music comes up in the background as we see Zora with the horses and Evan laughing. Just as I was thinking that they should totally have put in some animated birds landing on Zora's shoulders, the editors cut in some stock footage of deer, rabbits, and a bird. Awesome! Zora laughs and Evan laughs. Zora says that working with the elderly has prepared her for people spitting up on her. What? Nice date conversation. Then the editors cut in a raccoon and a bird. Zora says she feels guilty that the other girls aren't there to enjoy it. Evan tells her not to feel guilty.
Back at the chateau, Melissa and Sarah sit in a bed. Melissa tries to sing "Lady Marmalade" and fails miserably. Melissa says she wants to move to L.A. and "get some chump to pay for [her]." Sarah agrees. Mojo is digging around in the closet, and asks if they want to see her dress. Melissa tells Mojo to try on all of her clothes for them. Mojo says she wants to see them in her fucking hat, and she tosses it onto the bed. It's the hat she wore to the Moulin Rouge. As soon as she walks back into the closet, Sarah and Melissa look at each other and burst out laughing. See, now I feel bad for making fun of Mojo when the other girls are being bitchy to her. Not that bad. But a little bad.
Meanwhile, Evan helps Zora onto her horse. The editors cut in stock footage of some rabbits and a woodchuck. A woodchuck? The category must be "Animals That Kim Has Swerved to Avoid on the Roadways, Nearly Wrecking Her Car in the Process." Zora and Evan ride through the woods. They really do look like a Ralph Lauren catalog together. As darkness falls, Evan voice-overs that he knew the other girls were out for the night, so he thought he'd take the opportunity to "get more intimate." That really is Evan's favorite euphemism for "get it on," isn't it? He invites Zora to jump in the hot tub with him. She heads upstairs to change. Evan walks into some other room and takes his shirt off. The car with the other women in it pulls up to the chateau. Where the hell did they go? Evan hears something and walks into the hallway. Melissa, Sarah, and Mojo walk into the foyer and wonder where everyone is. They walk up the stairs and find Evan, shirtless, standing there. One of the women asks what in the hell is going on and we go to commercial.
When we return, Mojo voice-overs that they found Evan half-naked. Evan responds, "The hot tub is hot." Yes. That's why they don't call it the lukewarm tub. Or the cold tub. One of the women says, "Meet you in there," and they all take off. They walk by Zora's room, and she opens the door a tiny, tiny crack to ask if any of the women has a tank top she could borrow. In an interview, Mojo says that they knew either something just ended that was really heavy, or something was about to happen. Yes, so why don't you Nosy Parkers go on back to your room and make fun of Mojo's hats some more? No one has a tank top for Zora. In an interview, Mojo says that Evan and Zora looked very guilty. I don't think they looked guilty so much as trying not to be rude while also not inviting you three along on the rest of their date. Zora and Evan stand there uncomfortably while the other women agree to join them. In an interview, Mojo says it's their competitiveness coming out. Melissa totally has bitchface as she looks at them. Cut to Melissa and Mojo primping in the bathroom. Mojo says she's going to change suits. Melissa says she's going to shave her bikini line. Okay, if I were going on national television, I would wax, but regardless, that is information about Melissa's pubic area I didn't need to know. In fact, any information about Melissa's pubic area is information I do not need to know. And a less sensitive gal than me would probably make a joke about how the hair on Melissa's head is really curly but I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one.
Zora and Evan sink into the hot tub. Zora is totally chomping on her gum, which makes her look trashy. The other women are still getting ready. Evan and Zora chat. The other women head down and spy on them, and Sarah decides that they need to get going. They walk out to the hot tub as bullfighter music plays. See, if they had followed my advice earlier about the whole Rocky thing, they could continue the theme here by having a bell ding and then an announcer saying "Let's get ready to rumble!" Except that's copyrighted, so they'd have to use some other phrase. And then with each catty remark that the women made to each other (because you know there were many), they could cut in a sound effect of a punch landing or something. There are a lot of possibilities. But we're stuck with the Casio keyboard version of toreador music.
Melissa slowly gets into the hot tub, followed by Mojo and Sarah. And my God. Sarah's boobs are just spilling right out of her top. I can't believe her nipples are covered, because I just saw so much boob. She must be using that body tape that the celebrities use for award shows. Or her nipples are on the sides of her breasts. Either way, yikes. And I can't even talk about what Mojo is wearing except to say that it's like a regular bikini bottom with another mesh bikini bottom over the top and I don't understand it and I don't want to. In an interview, Evan says he couldn't believe his luck. The editors show shots of Melissa, Mojo, and Sarah licking their lips and looking sexy, and then cut to a shot of Zora biting her nails and looking nervous. Evan lays back and takes it all in. In an interview, Mojo assholes, "Evan with his shirt off? Mmm. Hubba hubba." Who says that? No one but Mojo would say that. In an interview, Zora says that some of the girls were a little bit too flirtatious. They're all drinking alcohol, which I hear is a really bad idea in a hot tub. In an interview, Melissa says that there is a competition and some women are trying to do things to make sure that they get to the round. Cut to Melissa leaning forward and totally showing Evan her cleavage. Cut to Sarah doing some sort of dance move that makes her boobs pop out even more. Zora just sits back and drinks water.
Evan says he'll be right back and tells them not to go anywhere, and then dunks his head under the water. Zora gets out of the tub and leaves. I seriously doubt that all happened at the same time, and that Zora just got up and left without saying anything. Whatever. Maybe she had a headache or something. In an interview, Evan says that the other girls crashed his date with Zora, and he thinks that bothered her, but that he was having too good a time to leave. Melissa yells to ask Evan who is the luckiest guy in France. Zora walks into the chateau. In an interview, Sarah says that when you feel like you are getting played against, you feel the fight-or-flight instinct, and know that you have to step up and compete or just let the chips fall. Zora goes to bed while the other women hang out with Evan in the hot tub. Evan sits there with a smug look on his face. From certain angles, he kind of looks like a frog. If I were Zora, I would tell Evan to fuck right off for ignoring me on our date, and then I would hook up with Paul instead.
Mojo and Evan walk outside the chateau to begin their date. To my everlasting disappointment, Mojo is not wearing a hat. Mojo tells Paul to inform Evan that he can't hurt her. What in the hell kind of date are they going on anyway? In an interview, Mojo says that her date is going to be fantastic because they are going fencing. Wow, how romantic. This isn't Zorro and Mojo is no Catherine Zeta-Jones. In an interview, Paul says he dropped them off with their swords and hoped they wouldn't come back bloody. In an interview, Mojo says that they gave them fencing outfits, which included a white shirt and a lace-up black bustier. And a hat. Oh, there is a hat. It has feathers on it. Mojo is in heaven. Mojo and Evan fence. In an interview, Evan says that Mojo is gorgeous, and that she sees what she wants and goes for it. In an interview, Mojo says there has to be some kind of attraction, and she wants to be so attracted to a guy that she wants to jump on him every time she sees him. That seems a little unrealistic. And time-consuming. In an interview, Evan says that fencing is more like a dance or a ritual than a fight, and that Mojo was pretty good, but he was afraid she was going to lop an ear off. Mojo wins the match, as Evan falls to the ground. In an interview, Mojo says she kicked his butt. Mojo helps Evan stand up. In an interview, Mojo says, "I don't think he can handle the Mojo." And then she winks. Somehow I have gone from hating Mojo all the way around to loving Mojo in the sense that I can't wait to see what asshole move she will pull . Like winking. And referring to herself in the third person. As Mojo and Evan walk out of their fencing lesson, we get to see that she totally kept the hat. Awesome.
Evan and Mojo return to the chateau. In an interview, Evan says that Mojo had a surprise for him. It's a hat! No, it's not. But it should have been. She gives him a gift and says that she made it for him. In an interview, Mojo says that she made it before she even came to France. It's a poem. And a puzzle. Mojo reads part of the poem: "Butterflies of passion, excitement, and fun." "Butterflies of fun"? Frankly, "butterflies of passion"? In an interview, Evan says that Mojo was sweet to make him a gift, but he doesn't seem all that psyched about it. Mojo continues to read: "Waiting patiently, I for my husband, you for your wife." Wait, she wrote this before she even went to France? Why am I picturing Mojo lying on her stomach on her bed with her feet up I the air, glitter eye shadow sparkling, writing this with a pink gel pen that has some pink faux fur glued to it? And of course, wearing a matching pink faux fur hat. She really is like a fourteen-year-old girl. In an interview, Evan says that "the 'husband and wife' line was a little scary." Evan totally loses interest even though Mojo is still reading, and she has to tell him to keep listening. Okay, first of all, I could never write a poem for a date. But even if I could, I could never read it to him without bursting out laughing. And even if I could do that, if he got bored and stopped listening, I would just stop reading it. And I definitely couldn't do all those things on camera. Mojo finishes: "Loyal, caring, independent, and true. If the tables were turned...complete the puzzle for the end, and possibly the beginning." What kind of crap-ass poem is that? It doesn't even make sense. And I really would expect a poem penned by Mojo to rhyme.
In an interview, Evan says that the puzzle was kind of unusual because it was a picture of Mojo. Oh, no it wasn't. Evan tries to put the jigsaw puzzle together, and Mojo has to help him. He gets to the last piece, and can't even figure out how to put it in. He is as dumb as a box of hair. He finishes it to reveal a photo of Mojo in crop top and shorts, and then printed across it is, "I choose you." The only way it could be better is if Mojo were wearing a hat in the picture. No, the only way it could really be better were if Mojo were wearing an engineer's cap and it said, "I Choo-choo-choose you." That would have been awesome. In an interview, Evan says that no girl had ever given him anything like that before, and he guesses it was pretty sweet. He gives her a quick, entirely unromantic kiss. Then I guess there's more to the poem, because Mojo tells Evan to read "at least the last part." In an interview, Mojo says that everyone is "longing and hoping that they'll find their one," and Evan could be the one for her. Mojo reads: "Longing deep down inside that you are the one. Now don't get me wrong, I don't know you just yet. But who is to say, if we only just met?" Evan grabs the poem out of her hands so he doesn't have to hear anymore and kisses her. Mojo tries to protest, but then just kisses him back. Hee! He totally kissed her to get her to stop reading the fucking poem. Also, I told you the poem would rhyme. They mack for a while. In an interview, Mojo says that Evan is "so charming." I almost feel bad for her and her sad little poem and her puzzle. Except then I think about how the puzzle had a picture of her on it and I just laugh and laugh.
Sarah and Melissa smoke and backstab. Sarah notes that Mojo is coming out of her shell. She was in a shell? When? Melissa says that Mojo is "a little slut." Whatever, boob shirt. Melissa continues, "I'm not saying I'm better than Mojo. I'm saying we are not on the same element. We're in two different elements, and if he's in that element, than he's not in mine." Yes, Mojo might be in the element that knows the difference between "mercenary" and "missionary." Sarah agrees. Melissa says that she can deal that Evan drinks beer and goes to Hooters, because she can change that. Sarah laughs and laughs. Those two kind of suck.
In an interview, Evan says that Mojo showed him family pictures, which was nice, but then she showed him a check she had written to herself for a million dollars. Mojo points it out to him and just as I'm thinking that she totally ripped that idea off from Jim Carrey, Mojo mentions that story about him. Well, at least she knows it wasn't original. ["Except didn't she say she copied it from Drew Carey?" -- Wing Chun] Evan says it's something to shoot for, and that he can probably write that check. See, all Mojo had to say here was that she wanted to be able to write it with her own money, not her husband's, and all would have been redeemed. Maybe she did say that and they edited it out. Wait, am I rooting for Mojo? And if I'm rooting for her, doesn't that mean I don't want her to win? It's like the sky is green all of a sudden. thing you know, I'm going to go out and buy a matching hat and sweater set. Mojo continues looking at the pictures. In an interview, Evan says that the check freaked him out a little, but he likes that Mojo is a woman who knows what she wants. Evan sits back and sighs, and Mojo tells him that if he's tired, they can end the date. Evan and Mojo walk upstairs. I notice that, true to form, Evan is carrying a bottle of beer. In an interview, Mojo says that now she knows Evan isn't a bad kisser, so it could only get better. Mojo and Evan walk into a room together and shut the door. Are we supposed to think they are doing it or what?
The morning, Zora tells Mojo that this could be their last day there. In an interview, Mojo says that it's like your best friend is also your biggest competitor. Sarah tells Melissa that she'll definitely cry if she's eliminated. Zora puts on some sunglasses and jokes that she's going to wear them to the ceremony in case she starts to cry. Don't go giving Mojo any ideas. In an interview, Sarah says it's awkward because one of the women is going to leave. Yes, we all know how the show works. Can we move on? Sarah tells Melissa, "I hope Mojo goes . I can't wait to see that [bleep] go down." Whoa. Where did that come from? Now I really want Sarah to win. And by "win," I really mean "lose." And by "lose," I mean "end up married to Evan." Evan and Paul walk outside and discuss the women. In an interview, Paul says that Evan was using him as a sounding board to figure out which woman to eliminate . Zora says it's getting difficult and Melissa says it's a high-pressure situation.
The women enter the sitting room for the ceremony. Alex floats in wearing another of her ruffled skirt/jacket with peplum/ribbon at throat combos. She looks like a crow. I really, really need to know what her deal is. Please, if anyone who is reading this knows the truth, email me. Please. I'm begging you. It's killing me. As usual, Alex's speech is done almost entirely in voice-over so we don't know what she actually said at the time. Alex announces that three of the women will get a ruby necklace and "remain in this fairy tale," and one woman will be sent home. God, the editing in these ceremonies is so bad. They totally throw in reaction shots out of context. In an interview, Mojo says it's hard to sit in that room and wait to possibly be rejected. Melissa sings, "Another one bites the dust!" In an interview, Mojo says if she had to make a prediction, the only one she's heard had a bad date was Melissa.
Evan and Paul enter the room. In an interview, Evan says he tossed and turned a lot, because he's got to make a decision. Evan greets them and says, "Here we are." Yes, there they are. They are there. Get on with it. Evan says that he's had a great week and had fun on the dates, but one of them doesn't seem to be on his wavelength, so he hopes that person leaves understanding what happened and has a positive experience. What is he even talking about? I don't think he knows. He should just admit that he's picking the girl with the smallest boobs to leave.
Paul calls the first name, and it's Sarah. In an interview, Evan says that he and Sarah "really bonded." Yeah, we heard. Literally. As Evan fastens her necklace, he calls Sarah "rebel." Ooh, what rebels. If there were actual rebels, they would have taken their microphones off. The name that Paul calls is Zora's. Evan voice-overs that Zora wasn't trying to be someone she wasn't, but that she's still having a hard time opening up to him. He concludes that he wants her to be able to trust him. Why, so he can then break her trust when he admits that he was lying the whole time? As he fastens her necklace, Evan asks Zora if she unpacked yet, and she says no. I really dislike this new trend of Evan having to make a personal "witty" remark to each woman as he fastens the necklace. As we wait for the name, Melissa winks at Mojo. Melissa licks her lips. Mojo licks her lips. We head to commercial.
When we return, I notice how ugly Melissa's shirt is. It's like a purple velvet material and I don't know what kind of bra she's wearing with it, but she's kind of got rocket boob. Those suckers are pointing straight up, ready for liftoff. One necklace left. Evan says to Mojo, "I'm glad I met you. I really am." What in the hell was that about? Was that edited out of context, and he really said it after the name was called? Because if not, way to give it away. With all the suspense totally ruined, Paul calls Melissa's name. Sarah mouths something to Mojo, who winks and says it's okay. What is with the excessive winking this week? As Evan fastens the necklace, he asks Melissa if she could fix him a salad. Wah wah wah. Evan voice-overs that Melissa has a great sense of humor and that they always have fun together, plus she's sexy. Is she? I don't get that.
Evan tells Mojo that her gift was wonderful and that he appreciates it. Awkward pause. Evan says he'll leave now and that he'll see the others soon. He and Paul walk out. Sarah says she hates this part, even though she said earlier that she couldn't wait to see Mojo leave. Mojo says it's fine, because there are a million other men out there. Zora says that it's still painful and uncomfortable. Mojo says she can handle it and she wiggles her eyebrows a few times. Paul returns and tells Mojo that she needs to pack. In an interview, Mojo says she thought she would definitely go to the round, but maybe Evan likes high-maintenance women (shot of Melissa) or drama (shot of Sarah). Mojo wonders, "Maybe I didn't talk enough." I can definitely say that wasn't the problem. Mojo begins to pack her many, many hats as she voice-overs that she has "true deep love waiting inside her" for the right man. In an interview, Mojo says she thought she and Evan were clicking on their dates, she doesn't know what happened, and she'd like Evan to tell her. I'll tell you, Mojo. You're kind of an asshole. A well-intentioned asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. Paul knocks on the door to tell Mojo it's time to go. In an interview, Evan says that Mojo is beautiful, but that it seems like she would go for a guy with money rather than a guy without. In an interview, Mojo denies that she's a gold-digger, and says that she truly liked Evan. Then, just to add insult to injury, they repeat that clip of Mojo saying, "I've came so far to make my dream come true." Bye, Mojo! I'm weirdly going to really miss you and your ruffled shirts and your glitter eye shadow and your stupid name. And most of all your hats. Oh, your hats. As Mojo pulls away in the car, she voice-overs, "His loss." No, Mojo. It's the viewers' loss.
Sarah is still lamenting to the other women how awful the whole thing is. Now that Mojo has left the room, I keep waiting for Sarah to talk about what an asshole she was, but either she didn't or they edited it out. Wait, this is Fox. Like they would have edited out the shit-talking. Melissa examines her ruby and grins. Paul opens some champagne and the women toast their luck. In an interview, Evan says that he thinks he picked a group of girls who are in it for more than money. Melissa and Sarah discuss how the jewel is set in white gold, and how big it is. Heh. Sarah says that Evan is obviously attracted to them, since he chose them. Sarah lists off, "Pearl, sapphire, emerald, ruby. What could possibly be ?"
Mastercheese Theatre. Paul says that he still didn't get a necklace, but he did swipe Mojo's puzzle. Awesome. I hope he sells that on eBay. Paul says that, week, Evan will take the women to the French Riviera via private jet, and that Heidi would have loved it. Seriously, I've so forgotten about Heidi that it took me a minute to figure out whom he was talking about.
week: Massages. Limos. Private jets. Champagne. Caviar. Sluttiness. Kisses. Evan has a breakdown and admits that he's really a zombie that eats brains.