The show opens with exactly the same introduction we saw last week. And I mean, exactly the same. So if you missed it, just go read the first five paragraphs of last week's recap, because that's what they showed. And then, for the people who didn't watch last week but heard about it in the office day (and are somehow too busy to watch the premiere when it reairs on Thursday), we get a quick recap of the first episode. It boils down to this: Joe lies. Joe lies, when he cries. And he also lies when he's not crying, and when he's riding horses and when he's dancing. The saddest part is that Joe/Evan is not a good liar. The other lesson learned? These women just might be catty gold-diggers. Also, Heidi sucks. Also, fucking Mojo ruins everything. And then Evan sent eight of the twenty women home.
Butler Paul reprises his Masterpiece Theatre bit. I get the feeling that these segments were taped after the show finished production, and that originally the "host" Alex McLeod was supposed to do them. But she sucked, or was on drugs, or threw a tantrum, or something, and Paul got the gig. Which is good, because Paul is funny. But I'm still completely mystified as to the truth behind why Alex is barely on the show. Instead of a host, she should be called a ghost. Anyway, Paul welcomes us back and explains that, in tonight's episode, Evan will entertain the women in the French countryside. In addition, the women will become embroiled in something called "Heidi-gate." Ooh, maybe Heidi admits that she's really forty years old. Or that she's a guy. Or that she's a lesbian. All I know is that I was promised a shocking secret, and I'm sure that FOX won't let me down. I mean, it's not possible that they overstated the case just to gain viewers, right? Right? I mean, it's FOX. That name practically stands for programming integrity. Ahem.
In an interview, Mojo says that she expected Evan to be "somewhat wealthy and handsome," but that she didn't know that he would have "the full package." Yeah, I saw those pictures on The Smoking Gun too. And "full package" is exactly the phrase I would use. But whereas Mojo terms it "exciting," I would call it "grody."
Paul folds some clothes in Evan's bedroom. Evan walks in with a duffel bag and says that he's brought his own clothes for Paul to check out. In an interview, Evan says that he brought "some pretty ragtag clothes" to France. Evan pulls a flannel shirt out of his duffel bag and hands it to Paul, explaining that it's "a little ripped" and "got caught in a combine." I think he was joking with the combine remark, because if his shirt got caught in one while he was wearing it, he would probably be missing a few fingers at the very least. And on behalf of my late grandfather, who lost part of his hand in a combine, I would like to say that I don't think Evan's being very sensitive. Ha ha! Just kidding. Well, my grandfather really did lose part of his hand in a combine. But I don't think he would care if someone made jokes about it, since he used to joke about it all the time. In fact, if he were watching the show with me right now, he would probably say, "What in the hell is this? Is Lawrence Welk on? Margaret, can you grab me a Genny Light?" Anyway. Paul examines Evan's torn flannel with the disgust one would usually reserve for a maggot-ridden animal carcass. In an interview, Paul says that Evan's wardrobe is about what you would expect from a construction worker making $19,000 a year. You know, one thing that bugs me about the whole salary issue is that I remember in my first real-world job, I made $17,000 a year, and I thought I was rich. Evan pulls out a pair of ripped and dirty jeans, like, couldn't he do laundry before he left? Also, Joey Lawrence called and he wants his pants back. And he also asked me to tell you: "Whoa!" Paul says that he doesn't think Evan's wardrobe will really fly at the chateau. In an interview, Paul says that Evan needs to work on his wardrobe. In an interview, Evan says that Paul redressed him to make him look suitable for the women. Evan pulls on a crewneck sweater and some black slacks. But he's still wearing white socks. I'm sure Paul will correct that. Paul tosses Evan a zip-neck sweater, which Evan pulls on. This is like that episode of Friends where Joey put on all of Chandler's clothes at once. Two sweaters? Isn't that a bit bulky? Evan asks if his hair looks like it's poofing out. Yes, actually it does.
The women eat a meal together. Oh my God, what is fucking Mojo wearing? She has on a denim top with cap sleeves, except that the sleeves have been slit to show off more of that erotic upper-arm region. The neckline goes down to about her navel. She's accessorized this top with a denim patchwork scarf in her hair, tied like a headband with the long ends trailing down over her chest. Topping off the whole ensemble are giant hoop earrings. Now if she would only pocket some of the silverware, she could accurately be described by the song, "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves." Oh dear. Now they've changed to a different angle and it is revealed that the front of the shirt has tiny vertical ruffles. What is with her and the ruffles? Also, I just saw way more of Mojo's boobs than I needed to. Paul enters and says that today, the women will be going on group dates with Evan. He explains that Evan is an outdoorsman, so he suggests that the woman change into something more appropriate, since they'll be spending time outdoors. I don't know how Dayana could dress more appropriately, since she's already wearing a ski jacket. No, she really is. And it's light purple, which is pretty much the same color as the dress she bitched about last week. After Paul leaves, the women giggle and ooh and ahh in anticipation of their big dates. I'm sure they will be very romantic, because the same producers who are pulling this whole millionaire charade wouldn't possibly mislead the women as to the nature of their dates, right? Right? Ahem.
Cut to the first group date, which some onscreen text informs us will be called "The Vineyard Date." Evan has removed the second sweater and replaced it with a vest. Much better option. Evan voice-overs that the first group is Dana, Melissa, Sarah, and Brandy. In an interview, Evan says that the women are expecting romantic dates, but that he's got something else in store. Yes, I'm so sure that Evan, who could barely think up a fake middle name, came up with the date idea all by himself. He thinks candlelight dinners make it easy to hide your true motivation, and he wants to see what happens when the going gets tough and it's not so comfortable, since his life isn't filled with "creature comforts." That is true, if by "creature comforts," you mean "clothes that don't look like they could have been worn on an album cover in 1992." In an interview, Melissa says she's not outdoorsy, and that she was hoping the date would be inside. She concludes, "And it was outside!" She used a singsong voice and was so forlorn on that last word that it cracked me up.
Evan voice-overs that they went to the winery and met Philippe. Evan and the women exit the car. Most of the women put their scarves over their heads, because it appears to be raining, but not that heavy rain where you can just use an umbrella. That light misty rain where it seems like the air is just filled with water. That sucks. Melissa has put her hair into two buns on top of her head, which I think looks cute. Philippe gives them all buckets. In an interview, Sarah say that they thought they would just get a demonstration of how to pick grapes, but instead they got buckets and shears and waded "shin-deep in mud" out to the vines. Evan stands there and watches the women, like, pitch in or something, dude. I don't see how him standing there watching tests anything except how hard the women will work while he's standing over them like a foreman. He has a big container strapped to his back to hold the grapes. In an interview, Melissa says that she was "out of her element," because it was cold and raining and she didn't want to be picking grapes. We see a shot of Melissa standing there looking completely miserable. And I have to say, just because someone doesn't want to wade around in the mud picking grapes in the rain doesn't mean that she doesn't enjoy the outdoors. I enjoy the outdoors, but when it's fucking cold and rainy out, I enjoy the indoors even more. In an interview, Evan says he looks for a woman who can take care of herself, because he he can't fully support a woman at the moment. Yes, because since he makes so little money, his wife will be forced to get a job picking grapes. I mean, wouldn't a better test of that be to see if the woman currently holds down a full-time job and has a good work ethic? But that would involve talking to the women, which Evan has barely done yet.
Sarah cuts some grapes from the vine. Oh, I finally figured out who Sarah reminds me of -- Elizabeth Mitchell, who (among other roles) played Legaspi (Weaver's first girlfriend) on ER. Melissa laughs about how miserable she is. Dana does something. I don't know. Brandy says that her bunch of grapes has some "uglies" on it, and asks if she should pull them off. In an interview, Evan says that Brandy is a "cute girl," and she's a flight attendant, so she knows how to make a bad situation into a positive one. Brandy laughs and jokes that she's "living it up in Paris. Just living it up." In an interview, Sarah says that she hopes to show Evan that she's fun and low-maintenance. In an interview, Evan says that Sarah is like Martha Stewart. She's embroiled in corporate scandal? Evan adds that Sarah seems uptight and not the type of girl he would usually go out with, and not the type who would go out with him. I think because she looks pretty WASPy, he's assuming that she's used to having money and nice things, but I haven't really seen anything from her to indicate that's true.
Evan the foreman tells the women that Martha Stewart would be proud of them. What does Martha Stewart have to do with picking grapes? Also, why is Evan obsessed with Martha Stewart? Maybe the rumors that he is gay really are true. Melissa yells, "I hate Martha Stewart." In an interview, Evan says that Melissa is spunky. Melissa calls out with a Swedish accent that she made Evan "a hotdish." Oh, I forgot that she's from Minnesota. In an interview, Evan says that he liked the "Princess Leia thing" that Melissa did with her hair. Well, it's less Princess Leia than Afro puffs, but whatever. In an interview, Melissa says that, in dating, sometimes you do things to get the other person to fall for you, and she can fake picking grapes and having fun. In an interview, Evan says that he thinks Melissa had a good time. Hee! Nice juxtaposition, editors. Evan stands behind Melissa in an effort to block the wind. Why not just tell the other women to fuck off and suck it up? Same effect.
In an interview, Sarah says that after they had picked "some token grapes," they thought they were done and started hanging out, but Philippe told them that there were ten more rows. Philippe points out the remaining rows to Melissa. In an interview, Melissa says that she was like, "Oh ha ha ha ha Philippe. Pretty funny, right?" and Philippe was like, "No, really, we must cut the grapes," and she thought he had to be kidding. Melissa yells that she's mad and can't believe it, which is kind of rude. Like do it or don't do it, but don't be all passive-aggressive about it by complaining while doing it. In an interview, Evan says that the date threw him for a loop, because he was trying to pick one girl with the best personality, and he couldn't decide. What? You mean there might be more than one girl with a good personality in the world? Stop the presses!
Dana picks some grapes and asks if she can put them in Evan's container. In an interview, Evan says that Dana has a great smile, and that you would trust her with your life because she's "just a really great girl." Well, that's compelling evidence. She has a great smile and she's a great girl. I know I'll be giving her a call the time I find myself in an emergency situation. Evan adds that he thinks the other women were intimidated because Dana is so good-looking. Sarah laughingly points out that Dana is still on the third row of vines. Melissa snipes, "Just pick them and put them in the bucket! You don't have to get every single one! Let's get inside. I'm freezing." Evan hangs out with Dana, who worries that she's too slow, but Evan tells her that she's doing great. Of course, God forbid that he pitch in and help her. Instead, he's just standing there watching her. In an interview, Dana says that she took her time and she was behind everyone else, but that's who she is. She's slow? That's her personality? In an interview, Melissa says that she was wet and cold, so she wanted Dana to hurry up. Can't Melissa go back and help in order to hurry things along? It's not like they were each assigned rows and weren't allowed to deviate from the plan under penalty of death. Evan tells Dana that the other girls are jealous. Dana asks if they really are. In an interview, Dana says that everyone is competitive and sometimes people don't see past her looks. Her looks? As Wing Chun pointed out, she looks like Big Bird. Or maybe the love child of Big Bird and Uma Thurman. But she's not that pretty -- like, not intimidatingly pretty.
Evan voice-overs that the date involved a train ride, and that the participants were Katie, Mojo, Amanda, and Mandy (a.k.a. Blandy). Well, nothing like putting all the women with similar-sounding names in the same group. We see shots of each woman primping. I'm totally fascinated by the fact that there is something written in lipstick on one of the mirrors, but all I can get is that it says, "DP, love. See you in the..." How classy to write in lipstick on the (probably antique) mirror of this gorgeous chateau. In an interview, Evan says that he knew there were some women in the group who wouldn't have gone on a date with him if they knew he was a construction worker. Well, name names! In an interview, Katie is wearing a really ugly mauve cloche as she says that she was shocked to get picked. In an interview, Amanda says that she will find love. Oh, dear Lord. I just got my first shot of Mojo's idea of outdoorsy date wear. She's wearing a powder blue zip-up sweater over a gray turtleneck with dark jeans. Not so bad. But then she's wearing a matching powder blue hat with powder blue faux fur trim. The fuck? Who in their right mind would see that hat in the store and think not only, "I've got to have it!" but also, "I've got to wear it with a matching sweater!" She is insane. In an interview, Mojo says that she can't wait to see what the date will be like, and that she's looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing that hat fall in some mud or something.
The women pile into some luxury car. One of them (Katie?) says that she likes the car, and she swears she was meant to live like that. In a series of interviews, Katie says that they arrived in Richelieu, and Mojo says they didn't know what was going to happen. In the smallish (for four people) back seat of the car, Mojo and Amanda are totally squished, Blandy is sitting with her legs crossed, and Katie is taking up fully half of the back seat. Well, get comfy. In another series of interviews, Blandy says they pulled up to an old train station, and Katie says they figured they were going somewhere, and then Evan says that they went on a steam locomotive ride through the French countryside, and that they had to shovel the coal themselves to fuel the train. Some dude throws a pile of coal into the furnace. Oh, hell no. Not only is it dusty and dirty, but also when you throw the coal on the fire, it flares out into the tiny furnace room. That would be kind of scary. In an interview, Evan says that "this is a great way for [him] to gauge which of the girls is not afraid to get her hands dirty."
Evan stands beside the train, black smudges covering his face and hands. The women walk out of the train station to greet him. In an interview, Katie says that Evan was smiling when they first saw him, which relaxed her. Evan greets each woman with a hug and kiss. Jesus, I just noticed that fucking Mojo has added to her ensemble. She's now also wearing black gloves with that same powder blue faux fur trim. She is such an asshole. In an interview, Mojo says, "Oh. My. Gosh. Tall, dark, and handsome? Mmmm!" Shut up, Mojo. She is like that annoying co-worker who listens to the perky morning show on the "light favorites" radio station and asks if you want to go with her to the Céline Dion concert month. In an interview, Amanda says that she's never dated someone who made $50 million before. Yeah, because there are so many people in the word that make that much annually. I can't believe she hasn't run into one on the street! In an interview, Blandy says that she thought Evan was prettier than she is. Sadly, he kind of is, but only because she is so very bland. In an interview, Evan says that the women were excited, but they weren't going anywhere until they shoveled coal. You know, I liked Evan a lot better when he acted all conflicted about the whole thing and didn't seem like he was enjoying degrading the women like this.
Evan tells the women that they have to pull their weight by shoveling coal. The women look variously shocked and stunned. In an interview, Evan says that he knew he would be throwing them a curveball. Evan asks the women if they are ready, and one of them responds with a very deflated "All right. We're ready." Hee! Mojo Update: She took off the powder blue sweater, but kept on the hat and gloves. In an interview, Evan says that his life isn't glamorous or easy, and that he needs a woman who can take a tough situation and be able to laugh about it. So in other words, in twenty years when he's still faking the back injury that brings in his workers' comp check every month, he needs a woman who can laugh while she heats up his turkey pot pie. Got it.
Blandy is up first. Evan tells her to "sling it in there." She digs up some coal as Evan voice-overs that she "seemed like a girly-girl," so he wanted to see how she'd react to getting her hands dirty. Blandy tosses the coal into the furnace, or tries to, but most of it misses. She screeches, and the other girls laugh at her. Evan pets Blandy's hair condescendingly. In an interview, Blandy says that she was ready to throw the first scoop "with all [her] might," but then the smoke came up and she had "an early release and almost took the conductor out." Blandy apologizes to the conductor. The other women also give it a shot as Evan offers constructive criticism. Fucking Mojo didn't bother to remove the hat or gloves while shoveling, like, that should tell you something right there, Evan. After tossing in a shovelful of coal, the small furnace room fills up with smoke, which has got to be a health hazard. Evan voice-overs that the smoke coming out of the furnace "could put down a small herd of elephants." Oh, I feel so bad for him having to stand there and watch while the women do all the work. Bitch. In an interview, Mojo says that Evan was all sooted up and the rest of them were "drenched with sweat." Maybe it would help if you took your hat and gloves off, Mojo. Evan voice-overs that he wondered if they would be able to take the heat, and if you want something bad enough, you stick it out and do what you have to do. That's kind of how I feel about recapping this show. I just stick it out and do what I have to do. Luckily, there are no coal furnaces involved. ["Not yet, but I'm having your computer converted from electric power to coal power, so you can prove that you're really sincere as a recapper. Get shovelling, woman! And bring me a turkey pot pie!" -- Wing Chun] Evan voice-overs that "it was a dirty, dirty job." But not as dirty as those pictures of Evan in his underwear.
The women complete their task, and everyone boards the train. Evan and Mojo sit on one bench seat, and Amanda, Blandy, and Katie sit facing them on the other. They all drink wine and eat snacks. In an interview, Mojo says that one of her girlfriends told her, "Your time with him is your time to shine." So Mojo used the date to talk about herself. Isn't the idea that you're supposed to get him to talk about himself? Or have the teen magazines been leading me astray all these years? Mojo talks about her upbringing and her family while the other three women sit there silently. In an interview, Mojo says that she really "spoke from the heart" and "told [Evan] what [she] was about." In an interview, Katie says that Mojo dominated the conversation. Mojo continues to talk while the other three sit there like bumps on a log. It's actually made even funnier by the fact that all three are practically wearing the same black shirt. They look like a trio of mimes. Now, granted, Mojo is annoying. I think I've established my feelings on that issue. But if she keeps talking, just interrupt her. I can't fault Mojo's strategy on this one. All of the women barely get any time with Evan, so I don't blame Mojo for trying to use it to her own advantage. In an interview, Blandy says, "We really got to learn a lot about Mojo." Cut to Mojo spouting inane facts about her life, including that she graduated with a triple major. Let me guess: Bad Fashion, Gold-Digging, and Psychology. Because you know that 90% of the Psych majors you meet are crazy themselves. Even Evan looks bored, and he glances at the other women like, "Rescue me, here." None of them takes the bait.
In an interview, Amanda says that you have "a strong group of girls that are used to being the center of attention," and now they have to compete for it. Let me translate that: You have a strong group of girls who aren't used to having to rely on their personality because they are attractive, and now they are expected to have a personality as well. Horrors! Mojo? Still talking. She says that she's ready to move away from Indiana and is looking for something to take her away. Hint hint. Subtle, Mojo. Evan takes a moment to ask the other women if they are doing okay. They laugh and say that they are, and then start talking with each other instead of with Evan. I think they're missing the point. In an interview, Evan says that Mojo is "a great-looking girl" who can "match wits with you." Are we talking about the same person here? In an interview, Mojo says that she was "probably glowing after the date," because she had a wonderful time. Of course she did. She got to discuss her favorite subject. In an interview, Amanda says she's definitely concerned that she won't get to spend time with Evan so that he can see how cool she is. At the end of the date, Evan asks the other three women if they had a good time. They all smile and say that they did. And then they all team up to throw Mojo out the window.
In an interview, Evan says that the third date was horseback riding. The luxury car pulls up to the stables. Evan says he's had to work for everything he has, which isn't much, so he wants to see if the women could do some hard labor. The women on this date are Zora, Alison, Dayana, and Heidi. Evan voice-overs that he was especially interested in Heidi because the producers told him to be. Oh, he actually says that it's because "she seems like a girl who's used to getting what she wants." In other words, she's a bitch. Evan asks whether any of the women has ever ridden horses before. Heidi says that she has twice, and that the horses bucked her both times. Even horses hate Heidi! In an interview, Alison says that being in the smaller group will allow Evan to see their individual personalities.
Evan leads the women over to the stables and says it's time for the fun part. Heidi does this weird walk on the way over like she just crapped her pants, and then she's standing there wearing a riding helmet even though no one else is. I guess she's just trying to be memorable. Evan announces that they're going to clean some stables. The women smile nervously. In an interview, Evan says that the women had to "clean up this horse crap" as a prerequisite to riding the horses. Some reward. Evan tells them to "put on a happy face and shovel some slop." Zora jumps around like a little kid. In an interview, Heidi says it's not like she "came all the way to France to shovel horse doo-doo." The women grab shovels and start digging. In an interview, Evan says that the stables smelled pretty bad, and that, by the end of a day working construction, he doesn't smell very good either. Okay, enough of Evan trying to draw any kind of parallel between these tasks and his life. That last one was a bit of a reach. Just come right out and say, "We wanted to put these women in degrading situations in the hopes that one of them would throw a fit or break down crying, because that's good television." ["I thought maybe the parallel was, 'I like to shit where I live, so any woman who wants to be with me needs to be trained to deal with that.'" -- Wing Chun]
Evan voice-overs that Zora seemed to be having a really great time. Zora shovels some hay and voice-overs that "it was what it was." Alison swears and then laughs after stepping on a piece of poop. Evan tells Heidi and Dayana that they are on deck. Wait, I think Evan was actually just helping out! He was dumping a wheelbarrow or something. In an interview, Evan says that he felt like Heidi and Dayana were wondering why they were there, because it was "about as romantic as an iodine enema." The fuck? Where did that come from? What a strange analogy. And yet teeming with meaning at the same time. In an interview, Dayana says that she's a princess, and that her mother and father both call her their little princess. Is that something to be proud of? I would be pissed if someone called me a little princess. Dayana says that she needs perfume, and Heidi asks her not to put any on. Hey, Heidi was doing work, too. Still haven't seen Dayana do a damn thing. Zora gets a little overzealous with the pitchfork and hits the wall. Alison says she's scared of Zora with the pitchfork. Evan actually has to go in and tell Zora that she can stop now.
The crap-shoveling is over, and now each woman gets to choose a horse. Zora feeds her horse some hay. In an interview, Evan says that the horses they were given "looked like they were on their last leg." Hey, that's just the kind of horse I would want. At least it's not going to buck you off or take off running unexpectedly. They each mount a horse. Heidi complains that she doesn't know what she's doing because she's never ridden a horse. Wait, didn't she say earlier that she's ridden two horses and been bucked both times? Dayana prepares to mount her horse, and we see that she's wearing boots with the highest, spikiest heels ever. Those things have seriously got to be five inches high. She tries to hike herself up on her horse and, in the process, her low rider jeans shift down and show a large amount of ass crack. Now that's just unattractive. First the back fat, and now the ass crack? I am not at all saying that Dayana is overweight, because she's not. She just wears clothing that isn't appropriate for her figure or the situation. In an interview, Evan talks about Dayana's shoes, saying that they were like weapons and he felt bad for the horse.
Evan and the women ride their horses single file down a path. Evan asks if everyone is doing okay. What is that, like his pat date question? In an interview, Dayana says that she had a lot of fun riding the horses. She did? She looks terrified. Evan asks how she's doing, and she says she's doing well. In an interview, Dayana says, "I'm pretty good at horseback-riding." Cut to Dayana on her horse, nearly falling off. Heh. The horse completely stops, and Evan suggests that Dayana give the horse a kick. Then she drops the reins and asks for help. Evan gets off his horse and leads it back to Dayana to help.
Heidi senses that someone else is getting some attention, so she creates a drama in which her horse is not obeying her. All we can see is that the horse is bucking his head up and down, and I know nothing about horses, but if seems like Heidi is holding the reins too tightly and so her horse is trying to buck free. That's my educated guess based on how my dog acts when I'm holding his leash too tightly. In an interview, Evan says that Heidi started crying because her horse put his head down to graze. Heidi says she doesn't like horses. Evan assures her that everything is cool as he comes over to help. Well, I guess Heidi accomplished her mission of turning the attention back to herself. In an interview, Heidi says she has a fear of being on something she can't control. Okay, I would buy that if their date involved a rodeo or something, but this is a horse with one hoof in the glue factory. ["Also, if she doesn't like being on large, dumb animals she can't control, then her potential future with Evan...well, you see where I'm going with this, I'm sure." -- Wing Chun] Evan helps Heidi off the horse and tells her not to worry about it. In an interview, my best friend Alison says that Heidi is lying to get Evan's attention and took up an hour of the women's time. In an interview, Zora says that Evan was very sweet about it and took action immediately. In an interview, Evan says that he doesn't know if the freak-out was exaggerated. Heidi leads her horse back to the stables. If her ultimate goal was to spend more time with Evan, it looks like she screwed up, since she's going to miss the rest of the date. Then again, if they're just going to ride along single file, it's not like she's missing a big conversation. In an interview, Heidi says she knows that animals can sense fear. Whatever, Jack Hanna.
In an interview, Evan says that the women on the horseback-riding date were a difficult group to talk to. He explains that Heidi was freaked out about the horse, Dayana "seemed to be born without a tongue," Zora was all into riding the horse, and Alison wanted to lead. Evan says he likes girls who take the lead, but that he didn't get to talk to her much. In an interview, Alison says that she was psyched to lead because it meant she didn't have to follow anyone. Yet another thing we have in common. We are so having a slumber party week, I think. In an interview, Evan says that Alison looked like a Ralph Lauren model, and looked like a million bucks. He adds, "Not that I know what a million bucks looks like," and he was totally stifling a belch during that last sentence and did that thing where you tuck your chin in to hold it in. Hee! Evan concludes that the fact of his modest means could be a problem for Alison. Nooo! I mean, yes! I don't want the women I like to win, right? This is all so confusing. The women arrive back at the stable, where Heidi greets them. In an interview, Heidi says that she probably made a negative impression on Evan, or he felt bad for her, but either way, he'll remember her. Which was obviously her goal all along.
Back at the chateau, Alison and Blandy play cards. Alison bitches about Heidi and her constant complaining and antics. Blandy asks whether Heidi stole everyone's thunder today. Alison responds, "Put it this way. I'm never worried if anyone's stealing my thunder because...if he's a guy who's into that, he's not gonna dig me." I really just love her. Although I cannot figure out why she's on this show. But I'm glad she is, because she keeps me from completely losing faith in the female sex. Alison adds, "So that's his own problem. He's gonna have to go home and live with it." Blandy agrees, because she's bland and has no opinions of her own.
Paul walks into the living room and tells the women he has an announcement. Again, shouldn't this be Alex's job? Where is Alex? Paul says that, as the butler, he never gets to give out the good news. He goes on and on about all the things he doesn't get to do, like, just get to the announcement already! Finally, he says that he's enjoyed being with them, but the morning will be the second round of eliminations, and seven of the women will be sent home. The women are shocked at the number. In an interview, Mojo says that going from twelve to five was a drastic cut. Frankly, I'm shocked that she could do the math. In an interview, Katie says they thought maybe four would go, so for the number to be seven was a shock. In an interview, Alison says she was nervous for herself and everyone in the room.
Suddenly, we're seeing this weird overhead security camera type view of Heidi lying on the floor, telling some of the other women that she didn't want to meet anybody, but that the guy is the same age as her and they met at the gym. Cut to color footage, which lets me know that the first shot was faked to make it look like Heidi was trying to talk about this off-camera. Zora says that Heidi has spent every day with the guy, and Heidi agrees. Or at least, she spent every day with him until the day she went to France to try to trap a rich husband, but she's keeping this other guy on the back burner in case that doesn't work out for her. In an interview, Mojo says that it became apparent that Heidi has a boyfriend. Heidi says she didn't want to look back at her life when she's forty and have regrets. Look back? At forty? She's looking back at forty, all right. In an interview we've seen before, Heidi says she wants to marry a man with money, and that she wanted to be married by twenty-three. In an interview, Katie says it's not fair when the women are competing to get to know Evan. Katie tells the others that they all think it's unfair for Heidi to stay, because she could take the spot of someone else who really wants to be there. In an interview, Melissa says that she thought Heidi was "a selfish little brat." In an interview, Paul sums up what I was thinking by saying that the other women don't like Heidi much, so they are making a big deal out of the boyfriend issue. He thinks that Heidi is trying to land a rich husband, "and God help the boyfriend if she does."
At dinner, the women discuss the issue further. Someone asks Heidi if she will accept if Evan chooses her. Before she can answer, Alison tells Heidi to tell Evan about her situation before he makes his choices. Heidi doesn't know how to do that. In an interview, Paul says he's sure that if Heidi is chosen, she'll take the necklace. In an interview, Sarah says that Heidi needs to step up, because she's taking someone else's spot due to cheating. Well, she didn't cheat, really. Unless there's a rule that you can't have a boyfriend. She was dishonest with Evan, but it's hard to feel sorry for that liar. It just bothers me that these women are confirming the worst stereotypes about women dealing with each other. They're catty, they're competitive, and they're backstabbers. In an interview, Paul says that the competition to snag Evan was getting fierce.
Zora spins out a scenario where Evan might be trying to decide between Heidi and Blandy, because he was equally intrigued by both of them, and choose Heidi. Zora asks what happens if Evan does like Heidi. In an interview, Blandy says that she had opportunities to go on dates before coming to France and turned them down. Someone points out that Evan was really kind to Heidi on her date, and might like her. Brandy asks if Heidi should tell Evan, and Katie thinks she should. This whole conversation is so edited that I can't tell who said what, because they will show one person sitting still while another person is speaking. That makes me think that they edited in a lot of the voice-overs afterwards, and that they're being taken out of context.
Heidi tells a group of women that she doesn't feel bad. Blandy says she was confused and shocked. Heidi says, "Whatever. If I leave with two or three more enemies, then pffft." In an interview, Paul says that the women were doing it to eliminate the competition. Alison mentions that it's possible that one of the women eliminated in the last round could have been "single, genuine, honest...and [Heidi] is here instead." Heidi says she doesn't feel bad about it, because Evan is a great guy and she likes him. She concludes, "If anyone has anything to say about it, tell me." Isn't that what everyone has been doing for the past, like, three hours? The women are all silent, so Heidi asks if they are all okay because there are some quiet faces. None of the women speaks. I feel like I should have some strong opinion on this issue, especially considering how much I hate Heidi, but it's difficult to get angry with her for being dishonest when the whole show is based on a lie. Like, "Oh, I can't believe Heidi misled Evan about her availability when he's been so honest with her all along!" Not. It's not like she's married, or killed off her competition or something. In conclusion, whatever.
Morning. The women wake up and get ready. Heidi asks if anyone has a cure for bags under your eyes. In an interview, Brandy says that everyone was anxious because Evan was cutting seven women. In an interview, Evan says that he made his decision based on which girls he thought were genuine, and then met with Paul and explained it, and Paul approved. In an interview, Paul says that Evan did a good job choosing the final five. Paul had decided on three but didn't mention them, and Evan had chosen them already. I wonder which three?
Melissa tells Alison, Blandy, and Sarah that she's getting everyone's predictions on who will stay. Blandy says she doesn't have a clue. Sarah asks for the 411. Whatever, Mary J. Blige. Melissa says her choices are Brandy, Dana, and Sarah. That's only three. In an interview, Melissa says she was a gossip queen and asked every woman for her picks. In another room, Brandy, Katie, Dayana, and Melissa discuss the picks. Brandy is worried, and Katie thinks that Brandy is definitely in. Brandy says it's like torture. In an interview, Brandy says that Evan is great-looking, and funny, and down-to-earth. She wants to stay because she liked the pearls. She's a little simple in the head, isn't she? Brandy thinks it'll be Melissa. In an interview, Melissa says that she doesn't know how Evan feels about her because he was teasing her. Didn't she go through junior high? That means the boy likes you, duh. Dayana thinks Evan will pick Dana, and Brandy says that's a given. Melissa isn't sure about that. Katie says Melissa is crazy, because Evan loves Dana.
Dana checks out her ass in a pair of jeans. In an interview, Dana says that people say nice things, and she hopes she gets to stay because Evan seems genuine. Man, these girls must be watching this show now and just slapping themselves. Melissa brings up Mojo and Katie makes a face like, "I will kill myself if he picks her." It's nice to know that, despite our difference, we can all unite under a hatred of Mojo.
Zora tells Mojo that it's 8:00 AM. And Mojo is busy putting her hair in curlers. What a tool. Mojo isn't sure about the pink peasant top she's wearing. Nor should she be, because it totally clashes with her hair and complexion. In an interview, Mojo says that, on their date, she made eye contact and spoke from the heart, and she feels that honesty always wins. Zora says that whatever happens, happens.
The women file into a room for the awarding of jewelry. It's funny, because since it's so early in the morning, none of them knew quite how to dress, so some people have on cotton tops and jeans and then there's Heidi in her black wrap dress and knee-high boots. And I think Dana has on leather pants and a sequined top. They all sit down and a ghost dressed all in black floats into the room and intones, "I am the ghost of Hosting Past! I have come to warn you all of the consequences of bad behavior! They will completely edit you out of the show and replace you with an Australian butler who will get his own section on the official website while you are relegated to a small mention in a press release! Oooooh! Aaaaah!" Okay, it's Alex, wearing a very unflattering black suit and a black velvet choker. Her eyes are rimmed with black eyeliner. Is she channeling Stevie Nicks with the ruffles and the makeup? She has a ton of white powder on her face, but her chest is red and blotchy. I am just digging for clues to her sporadic appearances on this show. Maybe she had an allergic reaction to something? As usual, we barely get to see Alex speaking. Instead, we hear her voice-over while we watch the women smiling and looking around. Alex says that Evan will give out five sapphire necklaces as an invitation to stay. She promises to go get Evan and floats out. And that's it for Alex this week.
As the women wait, Evan voice-overs that he'll always wonder what would have happened if he got to know each girl a little better. In an interview, Evan says that he's going to do the best he can with his gut feeling and the instructions given to him by the producers. Okay, I might have added that last part. Evan announces that it's time, and that he got no sleep last night because of his difficult decisions. After some bullshit about how great everyone is, he finally asks Paul to do the honors.
Paul calls out the first name: Zora. In an interview, Evan says, "So far, there's nothing about Zora that I don't like. She's gorgeous. Great personality. She doesn't complain." So in other words, she could be a mannequin, and I'm not talking about the kind played by Kim Cattrall. Zora sits down and Heidi examines her necklace. Paul calls out the second name: Alison. Yay! I don't want her to win, but I'm glad she's sticking around. In an interview, Evan says, "Alison seems very smart and sophisticated. I don't think she's into me for my money, but I also don't think she's into me. But I'm up for it, you know? I'm up for a challenge. She's got the personality that I really like. Really feisty, got the red hair, got the red pants, she's red hot, she's on fire." I couldn't make that shit up. He's impressed by her red pants? And I love how he keeps talking about how great each woman's personality is, like he has any idea. He's spoken to each of them for about ten minutes total. I wish he would just come right out and say something like, "Alison has got an ass like Britney Spears." After Alison gets her necklace, Heidi examines it, like it's any different from Zora's. thing you know, Heidi will bite it to check if it's real.
Three necklaces left. Paul calls out the name: Melissa. In an interview, Evan says that he had a blast with Melissa, and that she's "a great girl." He thinks she was a good sport in the rain because she kept smiling. And whining. How did he miss that part? I think she only whined while he was helping Dana. Paul adds that Melissa is witty and spunky and he thought she had some potential. Potential what? To be lied to? As Evan fastens the necklace on Melissa, she winks at someone off-camera. Who in hell is she winking at? Two necklaces left. The camera goes from woman to woman. In an interview, Sarah says that it's Murphy's Law that the girl with the boyfriend will get picked. Oh, dear God. They just did a close-up on Mojo's eyes and she has more glitter on there than you'd find at the bottom of a twelve-year-old girl's school locker.
Evan prompts Paul to call the name. Paul does, and it's Sarah. Ooh, that means that either Heidi or Mojo could move on, but not both. Interesting. Sarah doesn't look that psyched about being chosen. Evan voice-overs, "Sarah's a little more uptight than the girls that I normally date, but she's hot, so I'm giving her a shot." This from the guy who claims he's doing this to find a woman who will go beneath the surface and love him for who he is. The producers couldn't have fed him a better line than that?
Paul prepares to call out the final name. He says, "And finally." Shots of various contestants. "We have." More shots of various contestants. Pause. Pause. Pause. Another ice age comes and goes. "Melissa Jo!" Nooooo! Fucking Mojo! I swear to God she has pink eye shadow on. Heidi smirks and nods as if to say, "Yeah, I knew it." Alison looks like she's trying not to burst out laughing. Mojo beams and accepts her necklace. Evan voice-overs, "Mojo seemed to have a lot of good qualities about her. She was very nice, and sweet, could carry on a good conversation, and she's very attractive. I thought, you know, what I'm gonna do is give her a shot." What is with him giving people "a shot"? Is he the manager at the Haha Shack and they are all aspiring comedians? He's like, "Well, you got promise, kid. I can't pay you well, but I'll give you a shot." Then comes the fakiest edit ever, of Heidi saying, "Whatever." But she was clearly saying it in response to someone else and it just seemed weird and out of place. Editors, you've already established that Heidi is a bitch. When you put in fakey footage like that, it just makes me think that everything we've seen before was heavily manipulated, too. And although it probably was, stop shooting down my illusions. Evan tells the group that he hopes they had a good time and wishes them luck, and then he leaves the room.
Heidi stares after Evan, looking pissed. In an interview, Sarah says that you feel really bad for the other girls. The winners gather around and examine each other's necklaces. Paul walks in and breaks up the lovefest. He gives his good news/bad news speech again before announcing that they all need to pack their bags. The girls without the sapphires are going home, but the ones with sapphires will be spending four days in Paris with Evan. Heidi's face just falls. Oh, it is sweet. But it's kind of ruined by fucking Mojo standing to her hopping up and down. Paul asks them to start packing immediately. Where is Alex to deliver the catchphrase, "Please leave the chateau." Dammit. The women head for their quarters.
The women pack. Heidi asks herself what she wants to wear. Then she starts grabbing clothes and speaking in French, "C'est ici. C'est ici," which means "It is here. It is here." Why is she speaking in French? And using a sentence I learned on day one of French class? Amanda apologizes to Dana for being shocked that Dana wasn't chosen. Dana says it's not a big deal. Amanda figures that Dana must want to be left alone. In an interview, Amanda says that none of them can believe that Dana's not staying. In an interview, Dana says that it's a bit of an ego blow; she wonders what the other girls have that she doesn't, and says she thinks she's too nice. In an interview, Evan says that Dana is every guy's dream, but that their personalities don't jibe because she's too passive. In other words, she doesn't have a personality. Katie talks about how pissed she is that she came all the way to France and doesn't get to go to Paris. ["Lady, you're a doctor. Take yourself to Paris." -- Wing Chun]
Heidi sits on the floor in a hallway somewhere by herself and puts on her sunglasses. I think she's losing it. In an interview, Heidi says that Evan is "the most random guy [she's] ever seen in his selection of women." Heidi continues to sit on the floor alone. In an interview, Evan says he didn't pick Heidi because it "seemed like she wasn't there for the right reasons." Evan adds that the horse thing had nothing to do with it, and that he thinks she was just in it for the money. Heidi sits on the floor alone, but now she's reading a magazine. Paul walks out with a suitcase and asks if it's hers. Heidi says no, but doesn't offer any more help than that. Paul asks what her bag looks like. Heidi says it's plain black. Paul asks about the material, and Heidi launches into French again, saying, "Oui, mais c'est (yes, but it's)...the same size." I'm so baffled by her French. Paul asks if he got the right design. Heidi says, "No, it's not the design a tall," like now she's British all of a sudden? She is weird. Heidi bitches that her bag isn't in her room or any other room, but doesn't volunteer to get off her ass and find it. Paul exits. In an interview, Paul says, "It's too bad Heidi can't stay a little longer. Perhaps her French could improve." Heidi starts speaking French to herself again and my limited skills can't decipher what she said, but it's translated as, "I no have happy...You no find bread baggage." I have nothing to add to that. In an interview, Paul says that he was pleased that Evan eliminated Heidi, because he thinks she was in it for the wrong reasons. Paul concludes, "Couldn't find that bag fast enough." Hee! Heidi carries her bag out into the hallway and then complains because she somehow hurt her arm. She points to her arm and goes, "Ouch!" Shut up, Heidi.
Mojo and Zora discuss how they've never owned a sapphire before. Paul announces that the limousine is there for them. Evan and the five women walk out of the chateau. In an interview, Evan says that with five women, he'll have the chance to get to know them individually. Mojo says that Evan is a guy who has worked hard all his life, "and fortune has came his way." Could someone please pull her aside and review how to conjugate the verb "to come"? There seem to be a lot more jokes I could throw in about that, but I'm tired, so just insert your own. I'm sure it's funnier (and dirtier) than anything I could come up with at this point.
Masterpiece Theatre. Paul says that seven are gone, and he's still there, even though he didn't get a necklace. Paul says that Evan and the women will take Paris by storm, and then someone will be eliminated, but we'll have to tune in week to find out.
week: Paris! Melissa calls Evan a secret-keeper. Mojo goes to Moulin Rouge and wears a shitty hat, of course. Sarah goes dancing with Evan. There will be smooching. Sarah thinks that Alison is acting hostile. Alison thinks that Sarah never shuts up. Evan wonders if the women are into him or his wallet. Does he realize that his wallet is pretty much empty? Sometimes I think he believes the lie as well.