Classical music plays as we see slow-motion footage of a guy digging a trench and then driving a backhoe (or something -- I don't claim to know my large construction equipment as well as I possibly should). I love that the producers didn't even want to spring for actual classical music, so they have original music that they probably recorded from their Casio that almost sounds like a classical song with which you would be familiar. A cultured voice intones, "Once, there was an average Joe who made a humble living by simply moving dirt." The dirt is dramatically dumped into a trench. Well, it's kind of difficult to make dumping dirt dramatic, but the slow motion helps. The announcer invites us to "meet Evan Marriott." He pronounces Evan's last name "MARE-ee-ott." My theory is he didn't want to pronounce it like the hotel chain, lest we think that Evan really is rich. We get our first glimpse of Evan, who is clad in a plaid flannel and jeans, with dark scraggly hair and an unshaven face. Because poor people don't have access to razors or scissors -- really, cutting implements of any sort. The announcer lets us know that Evan's annual income is $19,000. Evan crams a hamburger into his mouth in slow motion. Because he's not fancy! He wears flannels and eats fast food! The announcer asks, "What will happen when this average Joe is transformed into a multimillionaire?" Montage of Evan getting a haircut and putting on fancy clothes. Evan gets lessons in choosing wine and dancing as the announcer says, "He will be taught the ways of the wealthy." Evan gets on a horse. Because all rich people do is sit around and drink wine and ride horses. And brush up on their waltzing skills. In fact, I heard that just last week, Bill Gates invited Warren Buffett to his house for a wine-tasting gala. Did you know Warren does a mean foxtrot?
The announcer continues, "Now, Evan will invite twenty women to a chateau in France, who believe he has just inherited over $50 million." That was an awkward sentence. It almost sounded like the chateau believes that Evan got a big fat check. Two women ride up to the chateau, and one of them screeches, "Oh my God! It's a castle!" Actually, it's a chateau. I don't know what the difference is, though. ["I feel like a castle would have at least one turret of some sort." -- Sars] Various other women ride up, and express their shock and disbelief about their surroundings. One of them proclaims, "This is a fairy tale." Keep that in mind; it's a continuing motif. Various women appear in interviews. I'm not even going to pretend I know their names yet, and it really doesn't matter at this point. One says, "If a man has fifty million, that's fabulous." Another says, "The man of my dreams is honest." Not to mention willing to debase himself by going on a stupid reality show. Evan rides up to the chateau on horseback, and the women ooh and ahh over how handsome he is.
The announcer tells us, "He will lavish them with riches in order to find the woman who will love him for who he is." How does that even make sense? Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "He will lavish them with riches and then tell them the truth about his income in order to find the woman who will love him for who he is"? Stupid writers. We see footage of Evan getting into a hot tub with some ladies, and then later presenting them with emerald necklaces. In an interview, one woman says that she's never dated someone who made a lot of money. Well, technically, Fake Evan doesn't make a lot of money. He was given a lot of money. Evan takes another woman on a date to Paris, where they see the Eiffel Tower. He takes a different woman on a date to the Moulin Rouge. The real thing, not the Baz Luhrmann movie. Another woman gets to go on a jet, and they see a rainbow. Evan is so rich, he can make rainbows appear! One woman says, "We're living in a fairy tale. It'll be interesting to see how it plays out, like, will it have a fairy tale ending, or won't it?" Again with the fairy tale motif. In an interview, Evan says that he tries not to think about having to explain his back story, because he's afraid if he thinks about it too much, he'll slip up. Foreshadowing! At a ball, Evan stumbles over his words while trying to answer a woman's question.
Now, for the catfight section of the preview. One woman proclaims that Evan is hers, and another woman tells her to "take a vitamin" and "get over it." "Take a vitamin"? Is that an insult, really? Or is it the new-millennium version of "take a chill pill"? In an interview, one woman says that she's never seen "independent self-sufficient women act like such brats." The problem being that an independent self-sufficient woman wouldn't go on this show in the first place. Another woman says that she's competitive, and another woman says that the whole thing is a horror show. Another woman cries. In an interview, Evan says that he's "waist deep in it now" and "can't go back." One woman says that the perfect guy would "tell [her] the truth all the time, no matter how much it hurts." Irony! Evan voice-overs that he's never lied about anything to get a girl in bed. I find that hard to believe. Every time Evan has a voice-over in this section, they cut to this weird night vision surveillance-type footage of Evan talking to some other guy on a balcony or something. I don't know if we're supposed to think Evan is having a breakdown. Who is the other guy? A producer? Evan's lover? I have no idea, but it's weird and jarring. On a date, Evan tells one of the women that he'll answer any question. Another woman tells Evan that she trusts his character. Evan voice-overs that he's "living the biggest lie in front of America, and [he thinks] it's just the most ironic thing in the world." Evan macks on various women. In an interview, one woman says that a lot of the other women are "very aggressive." One woman lies on Evan's lap and says, "I"ll make this easy." Yikes! I think that quote was taken out of context, but the juxtaposition made her look like such a tramp. Evan dances with various women at the ball. Evan voice-overs that everyone is watching him mislead twenty women, and the more he thinks about it, the more "it eats [his] brain out." Eats his brain out? What is he, some kind of zombie? Is this Night of the Living Bohunks?
In an interview, a woman says, "It's something that every girl has dreamed about all their life [sic], and I've came [sic] so far to make my dream come true." Clearly, her dream did not include attending English class, because -- "I've came so far"? As Evan kisses various ladies, the announcer voice-overs, "But once this average Joe has made his choice, he will have to confess the truth." Evan walks into a room, sits down, and tells someone, "What I'm going to say right now might come as a shock." The screen goes white as Evan looks pensive. We see footage of Evan on the construction site, and then Evan dancing at the ball as the announcer voice-overs, "Will love or money prevail? This is the story of Joe Millionaire."
Classical music plays again (and this time I think it's real music, although I couldn't tell you what song). An older man sits in front of a fireplace, holding a brandy snifter and wearing a butler's suit. It's all very Masterpiece Theatre, purposely I'm sure. He introduces himself as Paul Hogan. Hey, it's Crocodile Dundee! Except it's totally not. Although he does have an Aussie accent. Anyway, Paul is a butler, and he was employed to look after Evan and the twenty ladies. We see footage of Paul being a butler (or actually more of a valet) as Paul explains that the show has a classic plot twist where "someone pretends to be someone they're not in order to discover what is truly in someone's heart." This led to a twenty-minute conversation where my husband and I, both former English majors, tried to think of all of the works of great literature that used this theme. All we came up with was The Importance of Being Earnest, and I'm not even sure that fits. I know there are a couple of Shakespearean plays in there, as well as countless other works, but we are dumb. Not as dumb as Evan, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Paul asks, "What will happen when we drop real people into such a scenario? Evan is going to deceive twenty single women into believing he has inherited an enormous fortune. Will these beautiful ladies fall in love with Evan? Or the money he doesn't have? The outcome is unscripted and unplanned." So does that mean that everything else on this show is both scripted and planned? Because I would totally believe that. Paul continues, "Together, we'll find out if love really does conquer all. We begin with Evan."
Cut to Western music playing as Evan walks through the construction site. I think they totally recycled the theme song from Firefly for this segment. In an interview, Evan says that he likes doing construction and likes getting his hands dirty, and he figured he could make money at it. But not that much money. Which is another thing I don't get. My brother-in-law works construction, and while he doesn't make a ton of money, he does okay. He definitely makes more than Evan. Then again, there are reports all over the web that Evan has also worked as a model, so maybe he just does construction part-time to supplement his income. Evan operates heavy machinery as he talks about how he feels powerful when he carves out earth and creates something. In case you just tuned in, some on-screen text lets us know that this joker is named Evan Marriott and he's a twenty-eight-year-old construction worker.
up is an interview with Jeremy, Evan's co-worker. Jeremy tells us that on his first day of work, Evan helped him out, and Evan is always willing to help somebody out if they need something. I love how we need tertiary character praise to let us know that Evan really is a good guy. In case you thought that only a scumbag would agree to deceive these women. Clearly, the producers were worried that we wouldn't sympathize with Evan, and they needed to ensure our support. And yet, I still don't like Evan, mostly because any guy who would go on a show like this is surely a tool. Or really dumb. Or both. Jeremy claims that Evan is quiet, doesn't go out a lot, and doesn't date many girls. So this guy is good-looking enough that he worked as a model, and yet we're supposed to believe that he has trouble getting dates? Evan says that he's noticed in dating that if you're not a doctor or a lawyer, women aren't interested. Yes, shallow plastic women aren't interested. Normal, down-to-earth women don't give a shit, as long as you're not a soul-sucking leech. Did Evan ever consider that maybe, just maybe, he's picking the wrong women? Jeremy says that Evan is shy, so women have to approach him. And I bet that never happens, since Evan is so fugly. Evan says he's been set up with girls who tell him he's not ambitious enough. Again, those girls suck. Or it's possible that Evan is a layabout who doesn't want to contribute to the relationship. Like, if he imagines that he doesn't have to work, and can just lie at home all day and drink beer while his wife goes to the office, that could be considered "unambitious." Evan says that there's somebody for everybody, and there will be someone who loves him for who he is. Evan adds that he's an average Joe, and he's been dating for twelve years. He's trying to find the girl who is ideal for him, and he was drawn to the show because there will be twenty girls there. Does he live in Maledonia, the land of all males? I'm sure there are at least twenty girls in his hometown as well. Evan feels that he'll find out which woman really likes him and not the money. I still don't understand, if finding a non-superficial woman is really his goal, why he can't do that without going on this show. But I realize that I am digging way too deep in a shallow well.
At the chateau, Paul tells us that he's previously worked with some very wealthy people. Name names! Dish dirt! Paul claims that his former employers are billionaires. It's time for the Pygmalion portion of the proceedings. Paul gives Evan a lesson in choosing wine. Paul claims that "eating hamburgers, and belching and farting and so forth, as you go along, really is not gonna go down with the young ladies." See, this is yet another reason I couldn't go on this show. I would totally dig a guy who ate a hamburger and belched. Maybe not on the first date, but burps are funny! Also, that would probably mean that I couldn't belch either, and I would hate to deprive the world of my fine, cultured belches. Paul lists off some foods, and Evan guesses whether you would serve them with red or white wine. Evan guesses red for steak, which is correct, but also guesses red for quail, which is incorrect. Paul says that Evan needs some training to fit into society.
Now it's time for the etiquette lesson. In an interview, Evan says that the etiquette lessons "started out kind of odd," because his instructor stuck her hand out and he didn't know whether to "lick it or kiss it or just shake it." Lick it? If you close your eyes, Evan sounds exactly like Puddy from Seinfeld. time he's talking in an interview, close your eyes and imagine Puddy. For the rest of the series, I'm going to picture him wearing the 8-ball jacket and high-fiving people. Evan kisses his etiquette coach's hand, and she tells him that's wrong, so he has to wipe the kiss off. What is this, first grade? Is he wiping off his cooties? In an interview, Evan says that there was some slobber on her hand. Ew! What is wrong with him? I mean, besides the obvious.
Evan also gets some dance lessons, and worries that he stepped on his partner's foot. He did. In an interview, Evan says that construction workers don't go home and take waltzing lessons. It's a little-known fact that Gene Kelly started out as a construction worker. I just totally made that up, by the way. Paul continues to quiz Evan on wine selection. Paul says, "Foie gras." Evan has no clue what that is. I do, but I don't know what wine goes with it. I mean, it's goose livers, so it's poultry, so -- white? Keckler would know this. Cut back to the dance teacher showing Paul how to turn. Cut to the etiquette coach helping Evan figure out which silverware to use. Montage of Evan dancing, kissing hands, and choosing wine. And now he's all edumacated! Bring on the ladies!
Evan puts on his sneakers. Paul comments that there are twenty women arriving that afternoon. Evan doesn't know what to expect. Paul chuckles deeply and says it'll be quite a challenge. Cut to a carriage driving up the pathway as some on-screen text says, "The Girls Arrive." I was going to complain about the use of "girls" instead of "women" but there are so many things about this show that offend my feminist sensibilities that I don't even want to get started or I won't stop. I've just told myself that few viewers take this show seriously, and that the women who go on it are idiots. And that our society doesn't really see all single women as valuing money over character. If that's not true, don't tell me. Let me have my fantasies.
The first carriage arrives. The best part is that they actually make one of the drivers wear a powdered wig while the other one wears a three-cornered hat. The first two women gasp when they see the chateau. One is Melissa Jo, 25, a loan officer and the other is Zora, 29, a substitute teacher. She's a professional substitute teacher? Also, I'm confused by her outfit, because she's wearing a black off-the-shoulder blouse with a wool scarf around her neck, like, either it's too hot for the scarf or it's too cold for the blouse, but you can't wear both and split the difference. Melissa Jo tells Zora, "This is a fairy tale." I think Zora is crying. Crying! From seeing the chateau! In an interview, Melissa Jo (or, as the on-screen text informs us, "MoJo" and right away, I'm going to say "NoJo" to that one) says that she's always dreamed of being a princess. Okay, but they understand the Fake Evan isn't royalty, right? You know what's a fairy tale? The idea that Melissa Jo might actually be twenty-five years old, since she looks about ten years older than that.
The pair arrives. We have Katie, a thirty-year-old physician and Heidi, a twenty-four-year-old banking officer. Okay, seriously? With the ages? Does Heidi really think that anyone buys that she's twenty-four? She's thirty-seven if she's a day, and she could even be older. In an interview, Heidi says that of course she wants to marry a man with money, and she always thought she'd be married by the time she was twenty-three. So now, fifteen years later, she's doing something about it. Heidi kind of looks like Tonya from Real World Chicago. In an interview, Katie says that she needs someone who's ambitious, and she expects her husband to make a certain amount of money. Okay, "a certain amount"? Because Evan does make a certain amount. It's just not a large amount. And dude, she's a doctor? Why does she need a rich husband?
The pair is Andrea, 24, a PC specialist, and Gretchen, 29, an account manager. In an interview, Gretchen says that with most of her boyfriends, she ended up paying for everything, so she wouldn't mind finding a rich man. Gretchen kind of looks like the love child of Ellen DeGeneres and Polly Draper. She's also wearing this necklace with a large rectangle hanging from it, and the rectangle looks like it's made of tinfoil. Gretchen says that in her apartment, there are roaches and no heat, so this chateau is like heaven.
The first groups of women enter. Paul welcomes them, and they are led to their rooms. I notice that Heidi is totally wearing a see-through black shirt with a black bra underneath. I know that's what I usually wear for a day trip through the French countryside. Dayana has on a corset-style top and low-riders, so that she has back fat hanging over the top of her butt. That's a sexy look. Someone asks if the painting on the wall is Evan's family crest, and someone else points out a painting that might be of Evan -- it's some seventeenth-century dude with the high collar and the robe, and he's all, "What is up with the back fat, bizzotch?"
Cut to Evan, who is still getting wine lessons from Paul. That Paul is magic! He greets the women and still manages to fit in some wine lessons! Paul tells Evan that part of tasting wine is getting the aroma, so you should take a sip of wine and then "suck the air over it between your teeth." Evan takes a sip and then makes a prolonged slurping noise, kind of like he's gargling with the wine. I don't know how Paul didn't fall down laughing. Evan eventually chokes and starts laughing at himself.
Back to the women. Melissa Jo is going on and on about the house. Another woman moves away from the window and knocks a lamp to the floor. Someone yells out, "You break it, you buy it!" Um, this isn't the local Wal-Mart. I don't think those rules apply here. That's one of the things that bugs me about this show. They are going to all these lengths to teach Evan how to appear rich, but it really doesn't seem like any of these women would know the difference. They're hardly from high society themselves. Paul continues to quiz Evan on the wine choices. In an interview, Erica, 32, a physical therapist, says that she could get used to living in a castle. Erica looks about forty-two. I don't mean to harp on the ages here, but every time a number appears on the screen, I burst out laughing. Two women look out the window and talk about how they could imagine getting married on the grounds.
More arrivals. Jen, 23 and an office coordinator, squeals, "I am so a real-life princess right now!" She's the first one who claims to be under twenty-five that I believe. Do you think the producers coached them to talk about fairy tales and princesses, because this is a bit much, really. In an interview, Jen says that it would be awesome to tell people, "I met my husband on TV and millions of people shared in our fairy tale." That puts the fairy tale count at five. Also, if someone told me that, I would find it gross and kind of frightening. Especially if they referred to their marriage as a fairy tale. Paul is still quizzing Evan on wine. The women get a window open and check out the new arrivals.
to arrive are Melissa M., 24, a customer service rep and Mary, 24, who is in ad sales. Melissa squeals, "Oh my God! A castle!" I actually like Melissa M.'s poncho. I think I had one of those when I was four. In an interview, Mary says that she always wanted to be "a fairy princess" (almost added to the fairy tale count) and the "whole prince thing" would be nice, because she'd like to be "whisked away." And Susan B. Anthony just rolled over in her grave. I imagine Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton sitting up in heaven, looking down at this show, and going, "We gave up so much to get the goddamn vote and this is what happens? Fuck that noise. Pass the gin." Back Fatty walks through the chateau and says, "I'm such a princess. I feel right at home here." I don't think princesses generally wear pants so that you can see their pubic bone, so hike those babies up a bit. I kind of feel like I should start a princess count, but that may require higher math skills. Melissa Jo whines, "This is like the best time of my life." That is so goddamned tragic that I have no words. Evan continues to sip wine with Paul.
Ominous music plays, with good reason. The women are assembled outside. Alex McLeod walks out and introduces herself. Hey, yeah! Where in the hell has she been all this time? It's odd that we're nearly halfway through the episode and she's just showing up. Throughout Alex's speech, we barely see her, instead focusing on the ladies. I think this is because the whole speech was overdubbed later, since it sounds like it was recorded in a sound studio and not standing outside the chateau. Alex says that two years ago, Evan Wallace was an ordinary guy, but then he inherited almost $50 million. The woman gasp and laugh. Alex continues in her slow, measured tones, "Yet Evan feels his life is still not complete. So he agreed to come to France in hopes of meeting the one whom he will share his life with." Wow, what a terribly written piece of narration. They went to all the trouble to properly use "whom" and then still ended the sentence with a preposition. Also, they used the word "life" twice in two sentences. Did Alex write this herself? Because if they brought someone in just to write it, that person should be fired and kicked out of the union. Alex says the women will be introduced to Evan at a formal ball. They've brought in twenty gowns, since there are twenty women, and each woman will choose that gown that best suits her. Or whatever's left over after the melee. Then there are a bunch of weird reaction shots of the women, and we haven't seen Alex at all since the first moment of the scene, which is starting to get creepy. Did she have a bug on her face or something? And the women's reactions totally don't go with what Alex is saying. This whole scene is freaking me out. Alex says that after the ball, Evan will invite twelve of the women to remain, and the others will be sent packing. After about ten minutes of laughing and chattering from the women, Alex finally tells them to have a nice afternoon. She just sounds weird. What's up with her? We get a quick shot of Alex as she walks up the steps and waves goodbye.
Paul pours champagne for the women as they discuss what they were just told. Sarah says that "it's a fairy tale" (that's six) because they're going to a ball to meet a prince. Andrea notes that Evan has a lot of money. Hey, nothing gets by her! Melissa Jo thinks that Evan's money is "awesome."
As the girls sit around inside, Paul walks in and informs them that "Mr. Evan Wallace" will be arriving in ten minutes. Amanda stands up and says, "I'm going to be making out with him today. I don't know about you." Jen responds, "Oh, we forgot, you're one of those girls." Ladies, I got news for you. You went on this show; you're all "one of those girls."
Evan reports to the stables. In an interview, Evan explains that in order to make a spectacular entrance, he would arrive on horseback. Evan thinks this is odd, since he's never ridden a horse in his life. The horse-riding instructor gives Evan some advice about riding with style. Meanwhile, back at the chateau, the women scramble to get ready for Evan's arrival by changing clothes and putting on make-up. I think some of them even took showers and blew their hair dry. In ten minutes? In an interview, Evan says, "My father always told me, you know, there's two things you always look for with physical attraction in a woman: what her mother looks like, and what she looks like without her make-up on." Wouldn't those be more like signifiers of how the woman will age? I guess he doesn't have to worry about that, since most of these women are already kind of old, despite their claims to the contrary. The women continue to primp. Evan voice-overs that the first horse they picked for him to ride "took one look at [Evan] and broke away from the trainer, bucking and kicking." We see the horse doing just that, as the trainer attempts to get it under control. Ultimately, the horse just turns tail and runs off. Hee! Smart horse. Maybe he's one of those snobby horses who only appears on public television and wouldn't deign to be on a cheesy reality show. The trainer chases the horse down as Evan stands by ineffectually.
The women continue to primp. One woman digs through her suitcase and asks if she should wear leather pants. Another woman calls back, "No!" I think that "No!" is always the answer to that question unless you are a rock star, or possibly a movie star. And maybe, maybe, if you are going out to a club where there might also be rock stars and movie stars in attendance. But in the French countryside, in order to meet a fake millionaire? I think even Miss Manners would agree that leather pants are not appropriate for that situation.
Evan is now in the saddle, but the horse isn't moving. The women walk down the stairs and outside. A woman voice-overs, "The man of my dreams is just going to have a heart of gold." How is that relevant? If she had said that the man of her dreams would know how to ride a horse really well, I could see it. ["I think she meant a heart made of actual 18-karat gold. So that she could dig it." -- Sars] Evan rides the horse to the chateau. He voice-overs that mainly he was trying not to fall off the horse. He tilts precariously to one side in the saddle. The women continue to assemble in front of the chateau. In an interview, Katie says that she wants her husband to be financially secure, because she doesn't want to be the breadwinner. Again, she's a doctor. Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to work in, like, an inner-city clinic or volunteer or something. In an interview, Erica says she's looking for someone who is passionate about his job and his work. Well, Evan is passionate about moving dirt. He said so! In an interview, Melissa M. says she likes that Evan just stumbled into the money. As Evan draws closer, Mary voice-overs that she needs someone who's ambitious. I still don't quite get how "ambitious" equals "rich." To me, "ambitious" just means someone who will get off their ass and work when they need to, even if it's at a low-paying job.
Erica spots Evan and his horse. Evan voice-overs that he was nervous riding up on the horse and his heart was racing. Evan calls out to the women, and they respond. In an interview, Evan says that when he saw the women, he was trying to zero in on each one to see if they were going to like him for himself and not his money. How can he tell this from looking at them? What kind of signals does a non-gold-digger give off? Does she wear a burlap sack? Evan gets off the horse and says, "Sorry about the horse. He was white, but he hasn't had a bath today." If I somehow found myself on this show as one of the women, at that point I would have raised my hand and said, "Check, please!" Because -- really. That is the lamest joke ever. The women laugh, of course. Evan asks some general questions and continues to stand like a hundred feet away from the women.
In an interview, Dana (who looks like Avery from Felicity, so I already don't like her) says that Evan is "so handsome" and then giggles. In an interview, MoJo (and I still don't approve of the nickname, but it's shorter to type and I'm already on page ten) says that Evan is a hottie. In an interview, Mandy says that Evan is "a very big guy" with "big eyes and flowing hair." He's six foot five, according to the media I've seen. Heidi says that she thought of "Gaston, from the fairy tale," which makes seven for the fairy tale count (FTC). Evan voice-overs that the first thing that caught his eye was a girl wearing a cowboy hat, and he admits that she might have worn it for that very purpose. I think the cowboy hat girl is fucking MoJo, but I'm not sure. She's also wearing this fugly red shirt with a ruffle. Why not just carry a sign that says, "Notice me! I'll do anything!" Evan says that he hopes they are having fun, and he'll see them tonight. He goes to get back on the horse and misses or something. Hee! The girls totally laugh at him. Evan voice-overs that his chin hit the saddle. In an interview, Jen says that it was cute when Evan fell. Of course it was. In an interview, Amanda says that Evan handled himself very well, and was very smooth, but not too smooth.
Evan rides off on the horse. Evan voice-overs, "As I rode off, I realize that I had just started the biggest lie of my life." The music gets all dramatic. After Evan leaves, the women gossip and giggle about how cute he was. Dana is psyched that Evan is tall, because she's tall too. Heidi says that Evan had good teeth. What is she, buying a horse? In an interview, Heidi (the Tonya look-alike who talks out of the side of her mouth) says that since Evan inherited the money, he probably doesn't know what to do with it, and she's a banker, so she can help. Gretchen says she liked Evan's messy hair. In an interview, Andrea says she's never dated someone that made a lot of money. Again, he doesn't so much make a lot of money as have a lot of money. Well, he actually doesn't do either, but let's not go into that rabbit hole right now. Andrea has way overplucked eyebrows.
As the women walk back into the chateau, Mary thinks aloud that Evan looked exactly like a prince from a Disney cartoon because of his "strong brow" and "chiseled jaw." Is Disney a sponsor of this show or something? MoJo is totally the one in the cowboy hat. She says that Evan is "tall, dark, and handsome." Oh, go sew another ruffle on your shirt, MoJo. In an interview, MoJo says that she knows exactly what she wants in a man, and money factors into that equation, because the more money you have, the more fun you can have. So go make your own money, MoJo. I hate you and your cowboy hat and your ruffled shirt and mostly your stupid nickname. In an interview, Dana says nervously that it's going to be a little competitive from now on. In an interview, Mandy (who is the blandiest bland that ever blanded) says that when you bring a guy into the mix, there will be a clear separation. Melissa M. (who is a cross between Irene from Real World Seattle and Neve Campbell) says that it's going to get crazy with twenty girls and one good-looking man, and she can't wait to watch. Me too, Melissa M. Me too.
It's evening. Paul speaks to the assembled women. Seriously, did Alex get fired? Paul explains that they will all enter the dining room and have thirty minutes to select a dress for the ball. In an interview, Andrea says that they tried to "rationalize a game plan." Various women discuss some weird numbering system where five women go in at a time, which would totally suck if you were numbers fifteen through twenty, and do they just randomly pick numbers or what? Heidi, in particular, seems to be a big advocate of this plan. Or she's just really loud. In an interview, Erica says that they all want to make a good first impression at the ball (except it's really their second impression), and they're all promising to remain friends, but she doesn't know if that will work. Heidi orders someone to join a different group. Some redhead I've never seen until this moment says, "I'll go in the kitchen and sew a little dress out of a burlap potato bag, because I don't care. This is horseshit." That woman is my new best friend. Now I just need to find out her name. I think maybe she had one too many glasses of wine.
We see racks of hanging gowns. Paul walks out and says that he's going to open the door in thirty seconds, and once he opens it, they're on their own. The women start walking towards the door. In an interview, Mary says that the numbering plan went right out the window at that point. It will surprise no one to hear that Heidi has totally pushed her way to the front. The doors open, and the women speed-walk in, Heidi, MoJo, and Gretchen at the front.
In an interview, Katy, 24, a personal assistant (who is my second best friend in case I never find out the name of the redhead who thought it was horseshit), says it was like "a herd of cattle." One woman complains that the best dresses are all gone as another woman contemplates a shit-brown dress. In an interview, Paul says that gown selection brought out different characteristics in the women's personalities. In other words, some of them who had formerly been nice now become shrieking harpies. Paul is just too polite to say that. A woman screams out that something is not okay. Jen says that the color of her dress is horrendous. In an interview, Paul says that the women wanted to look good, and "it was a bit like a…pack of hungry wolves. It was, uh, rather amazing." Outside the room, Paul smiles and shakes his head. I love Paul.
The women continue to mill about. Someone insists that she needs to look in the mirror. In an interview, Heidi says that she knew it would be a free-for-all, so she immediately grabbed two gowns. In an interview, Erica says that Heidi was being a bit unfair, because there were girls who were asking who had two dresses, since they were without a dress at all because there were twenty total. In an interview, Heidi sidetalks that as girls, they all wanted to be sure that they got the best gown and were worried they'd be stuck with something not as good. Yeah, but not everybody grabbed two gowns, Ho-di. Also, when you have the figures that most of these women have, is any dress really going to look that bad? Erica walks up and asks if she can trade for one of Heidi's dresses, and Heidi refuses, loudly. In an interview, Melissa M. says that "it was Darwin's dress theory -- the obnoxious will survive." Heidi loudly announces that her underwear are up her butt right now. Then she loudly announces that her dress was made for somebody with no boobs at all. They cut in footage of the other women staring and whispering, as if they all hate Heidi. Which they probably do, but it also seems very staged. In an interview, Heidi says she's a competitive person and doesn't like to lose. Unlike the rest of us, who love losing. In an interview, Jen says that Heidi didn't play fair at all. In an interview, Zora says that some girls rushed to grab the best dress, but she didn't want to fight and didn't care if she got a crappy dress. We see Zora struggling to zip up a black velvet number. In an interview, MoJo say that the other girls could have easily walked (read: shoved) to the front of the line to get their choice, and they just weren't ambitious. Geez, maybe I should start an ambitious count too.
In an interview, Andrea laments that Zora is in a nightmare situation. Zora asks Paul if she can borrow his suit, since none of the dresses fit her. In an interview, Andrea says that Zora is "a different shape and different size." In that she looks like she eats once in a while. If I had to guess, I'd say that Zora is a size six, or possibly an eight. She's not fat at all. Zora jokes, "Empty-handed!" and laughs it off. Meanwhile, if it were Heidi or MoJo in that situation, someone's throat would have been slit by this point.
Back in the rooms, Jen holds up her dress and complains that it looks horrible and like a nightgown. In an interview, Katy says, "If your dress looks like a nightgown, put the nightgown on and wear it like you own it. Work it. Just deal with it." If I don't figure out that other woman's name soon, Katy might move into the first best friend position. Ooh, there's my redhead best friend. She says, "This whole thing right here? Horror show." Who is that woman? Zora explains that she had to wear the black velvet dress, so the seamstresses were trying to fit it for her, and they are also trying to take in a blue dress for a redhead who wanted it. Not best friend redhead, though. Zora asks if anyone has a dress that is too big. In an interview, Zora says that the seamstress suggested that they switch gowns, so they did. In an interview, Melissa M. says that it's just like Cinderella, who didn't have a dress but the evil stepsisters did, and in the end, Cinderella had a beautiful dress. Zora tries on the blue dress, which looks lovely on her.
Paul knocks on the door and announces that there are thirty minutes until the ball. My redhead says that she's going to freak out. Cut to Evan, clad in only his underwear, preparing for the ball. I do have to say, he looks pretty good in those white boxer briefs. Evan voice-overs that he likes a woman who has a mind of her own and doesn't have to be led around. Heidi primps in front of the mirror. In an interview, Heidi says that she's not really worried about her dress for the ball, because she's more worried about her "smile, make-up, and attitude." So, she's not worried about her dress, and yet she pissed off all of the other women to get it? ["Well, she's not worried about it now -- she got the one she wanted." -- Sars] MoJo says that the ball will "just be a chance to shine and make that first impression that can never be made again." Yes, MoJo, that's what "first impression" means. I think the producers hate MoJo too, because all of her interview footage is, like, extreme close-up and poorly lit and she just looks awful. Good!
Evan buttons his shirt. He voice-overs that as he thought about spending time with the women one-on-one, he had doubts about whether he could pull off the lie. In an interview, Melissa M. says that she just wants to look into Evan's eyes and see if there's any chemistry. Dayana whines that she's "too pretty to be in this piece-of-shit purple dress." I think it's actually a really good color for her, but she looks miserable. Melissa M. assures Dayana that she looks elegant. In an interview, Melissa W. (who?) says that she's gone out with girlfriends before who acted differently when guys came around. Oh, That Girl. I hate That Girl. Heidi is totally That Girl. And then she's totally the type to wonder aloud why she can't keep any close girlfriends, and pout that women just don't like her because they're all threatened by her. Hee! After Melissa W. makes that statement, they cut to a shot of Heidi. Awesome! In an interview, Katy says that she's curious to see if the claws are going to come out. In an interview, Evan says that he's here to pick a girl, but what if they don't like him, because it's not a one-way street. In an interview, Heidi says that they're all looking around and wondering who will get picked. Heidi stands up and announces that eight of them will be gone tonight, so she offers up a toast. The other women kind of stare at her like, "Could you be more of an attention whore?" Evan voice-overs that he hopes to find a woman with whom he has chemistry and who likes him for who he is and not his money. Except he doesn't really have any money. He seems to forget that at times.
It's time for the ball. In case you weren't sure, some on-screen text reads, "The Ball." Paul escorts each woman to the ballroom. Evan stands on the dance floor like a lump. Evan voice-overs that the ball was his formal introduction to the women. He keeps calling them "girls," and it's really starting to bother me. Paul introduces the first woman. Hey, it's my redhead! Her name is Alison. She's wearing a gown with a strapless black bodice and a white skirt. The bodice doesn't fit very well, and it kind of gives her walleye boob. They shake hands. Evan asks if she's nervous or excited. Alison says she's more nervous than excited. Evan tells her to have a drink, sit down, and enjoy herself.
The women start coming fast and furious, and if they don't spend a lot of time on them, I'm not going to either. Amanda is a brunette wearing a strapless black velvet gown. Dayana is wearing the aforementioned "piece-of-shit purple" dress, but I still think she looks great. It appears to be a two-piece dress, and it really shows off her figure, but not in an obnoxious way. Hey, there's Brandy. She's a fine girl. What a good wife she would be. She's wearing a one-shoulder black dress, but she kind of ruins the effect by carrying a shoulder bag. Get a clutch and move on. Andrea and Amy quickly follow. In an interview, Evan says that the first impression was the best part, because it was exciting, and the girls looked beautiful. Dana, the tall blonde, enters. She's wearing a black gown with an asymmetrical neckline. Erica, the one who looks like a mom (but she called Heidi on her bullshit, so she's aces with me), is also wearing a black gown with a tank neckline. You all are lucky I bought a wedding dress last year, because otherwise I would have no clue what these necklines are called.
Heidi enters , and she gets the full introduction. She's wearing a pink sparkly dress that would not be out of place on an episode of Love Boat. Evan shakes her hand. Heidi interrupts to say she has to do one thing, and she starts examining his hand. On the sidelines, Amanda shakes her head like, "That bitch." In an interview, Heidi says she wanted to check out his hands to make sure he was real. I am only made a little bit happy by the fact that Heidi's bra is sticking out of her dress in the back. Heidi rubs Evan's hand in what I'm sure she thinks is a sensuous manner and then moves on. Katie (the doctor, not my second best friend) walks in wearing an eggplant-colored gown and looking like she's serving on the homecoming court.
MoJo is , and she's wearing a pink dress with a mermaid-style hemline. Sorry, I don't know the proper name for that, but you know what I'm talking about. She looks like a flamenco dancer. Also, it's strapless, and despite the age she's claiming, she's too old to wear strapless without better support. I'm betting that MoJo has at least one baby daddy floating around somewhere. She seems the type. Evan tells her that she's looking "rather pink." MoJo, clearly trying hard to make an impression, asks Evan his middle name. Evan goes, "Uhhhhhhh." In an interview, Evan says it took him off guard, and it was like MoJo knew that something was off. Evan continues by saying that he hesitated, because his middle name is Wallace, but they've been claiming that's his last name. Evan says to MoJo, "Uh, well, it's, uh, if I told you, it's kinda like, uh, it's, um…" Dude! Why wouldn't they pick someone to be Joe Millionaire who was comfortable lying on his feet? This is awful. In an interview, MoJo says she was just trying to show an interest in Evan. In an interview, Evan says he started going through the Rolodex of family names, and came up with Elder, which was his mother's maiden name. Evan tells MoJo that his name is Evan Elder Wallace, so appropriately, his initials would be EEW. Evan says he's self-conscious about the name by way of explanation for his hesitation. Evan voice-overs that he was like a deer in the headlights.
Mandy, Melissa W., and Mary walk in . Mary is a sight to behold. She has on this fancy flesh-colored evening gown and then blue-tinted wraparound sunglasses. Evan voice-overs that when Mary came through the door, it was like she was trying too hard. Mary removes her sunglasses to shake Evan's hand. Jen (with the nightgown dress) and Sarah (who?) walk in . Finally, Zora walks in, looking beautiful in her blue dress. She stops and asks Evan if she has tangerine in her teeth. He says no, and then says that it wouldn't show anyway, because a tangerine is clear, but broccoli would be a problem. They smile at each other, and then Zora walks off. Man, why did Zora have to have a gimmick? I was just starting to like her and then she pulled that one.
Melissa M. (the Irene/Neve combo) enters, wearing a black (or possibly navy blue) dress that features a lot of cleavage. Evan tells her that she's glowing, and her smile goes from ear to ear. In an interview, Melissa M. says that when Evan told her he liked her smile, she thought she was going to stay. Which made me think she didn't stay, but…well, just wait a few minutes and you'll find out. In an interview, Evan says that Melissa's smile was stunning and she "seemed so down-to-earth and not at all like a gold-digger." He can tell this all from her smile? Melissa M. joins the other women. Hey, we never saw Gretchen walk in. Oh well.
Waltz music starts. Evan takes each woman for a couple of spins on the dance floor. Sarah says that she's a good dancer, and she was interested to see how prepared he was. Evan voice-overs that he knew he was in deep trouble, so he just tried to slide his feet from side to side and make it look decent. This isn't the eighth-grade dance and the song isn't "Stairway to Heaven," so I don't know how well that plan will work out. Sarah tells Evan that he's smooth and his steps are elegant. In an interview, she says he's a very good dancer. Evan dances with the rest of the women, and dips Erica at the end. Everyone claps.
The women mingle. Evan voice-overs that when they all got a chance to talk, he wasn't sure what kinds of questions they would ask him. Gretchen asks where he lives in California, and Evan stammers that he's between places right now. So he's homeless? Someone asks if he'll ever work again. Evan stutters that he doesn't know. Didn't anyone prep him for this? I mean, it's small talk, so you know what kinds of questions they are going to ask. And he clearly is unable to think on his feet. Which, come to think of it, makes the show a little more interesting, which may be what the producers planned. Crafty devils. Evan voice-overs that it was a lot harder than he thought, and leading the women on was weird. Mandy asks what Evan's reaction was when he got the phone call about the money. Evan hesitates and says that he was shocked. In an interview, Evan says the hardest part was "disarming the conversation." "Disarming"? Evan says that he tried not to give too much away while still being polite. Interview Evan says he was in a state of shock and it's a wonder he wasn't stuttering. Cut to Evan going, "It's…it's…it's…it's not something that you just go absolutely nuts." Hee! In an interview, Sarah says she was comforted by his answers, because he hasn't gone crazy with the money. In an interview, Evan says he just wanted the questions to end before he blew his story. We see Katy and Melissa M. sitting and listening to him. In an interview, Melissa M. says she was dumbfounded, because sometimes she can be very confident, but she was struck by Evan's looks. Melissa adds that she "just had those butterflies that you get and that's awesome, because I live for butterflies." I predict that if they do an SNL sketch about this show, Maya Rudolph will nail the Melissa M. part. "I live for butterflies." You can't make that shit up.
Alex McLeod enters the ballroom. Alex? Where the hell have you been? She tells the women that they look beautiful, and then announces, "Tonight. Evan. Will give twelve of you. A strand of pearls. As an invitation. To continue with him. On this journey." Why is she talking like that? Alex adds that the jewelry will get more extravagant as this adventure unfolds, which I think was also overdubbed, because the captioning phrased that totally differently. Alex says that those who don't receive necklaces will have to leave tonight. The Guitar Of Bitter Remorse When They Find Out They Have To Stay In France For Seven Weeks strums bitterly. Alex calls for the necklaces from Paul, who is standing nearby with the necklaces on a silver tray. Am I the only one who giggled when Alex said that Evan would be giving the women pearl necklaces? Yes? I'm disgusting? Okay, I'll shut up then. Evan confirms that he's ready.
Paul starts calling out the names of the necklace recipients, because Evan either doesn't know their names or didn't make these decisions himself, or both. The first woman is Brandy. Evan: "Brandy's got a great figure because of her working out and stuff." Truly a mind for the ages, that Evan. up is Katie from L.A., the doctor who wants an ambitious man. Evan says that Katie is confident and knew how to carry a conversation. I love how he has to make shit up about why he picked some of these women, when the truth is probably, "The producers made me pick her because they have a lot of footage of her saying she wants a rich husband."
The finalist is Melissa M. Big surprise, since on my first viewing, she was the only one whose name I learned before the ball. Evan: "Melissa's smile is absolutely stunning. I mean, it really is. It's just…stunning." Good thing they didn't try to pretend Evan got all his money from his career as a brain surgeon. As Evan fastens the necklace, he apologizes because his hands are shaking. The name Paul announces is Dayana. Paul says she was confident and gracious. I get the feeling "confident" is code word for "not white so the producers made me pick her." Ooh, there was just a quick shot of Jen looking like Kate Winslet in a remake of The Yellow Wallpaper. She was looking very crazy, in other words.
Paul announces Alison's name. She looks shocked and kind of embarrassed. Yay! My first best friend! I hope she doesn't end up sucking. I don't want her to win, but I want her to stick around and make wry comments and say "horseshit" some more. Evan says that he knew Alison was a girl he needed to get to know. Evan tells Alison that the pearls are real. Did she ask? What a weird thing to say. Evan has trouble with the clasp, and everyone laughs a little bit. Alison seems very embarrassed, but Evan finally gets it.
up is Dana, the tall blonde. Evan says that she stood out because of her sweet demeanor. I thought he was going to say she stood out because she was tall. I'd just like to hear him say that he picked at least one woman because she had a great rack or an ass like Britney Spears. After Evan fastens each necklace, he kind of straightens it out, but with Dana, he does this weird thing where he puts his hands around her neck like he's measuring it for when he strangles her later. Creepy. Paul calls Amanda's name. Evan says she has a cute figure and a cute face, which is the total package.
There is this woman in the line-up who I have seen intermittently, but I don't think we ever heard her name. How weird. Anyway, Paul calls Sarah's name . Heidi is starting to look worried. Evan says that Sarah is nurturing but not shy, and he thinks she likes him for the right reasons. How could he possibly know that, given the maybe three minutes of conversation they've had? Sarah looks exactly like some actress, and I can't figure out whom. Maybe week. Paul finally calls Heidi's name, like you knew he was going to. Jen shakes her head sadly. Evan says that Heidi was "kind of ballsy" and "really stood out." Heidi pulls her hair up in the back so that Evan can attach the necklace, and whispers, "You want me to show my armpits on national TV?" Classy, that Heidi.
Zora's name is . Oh, you knew she was going to get picked. Evan says that Zora gave off "a real positive vibe." And the producers made him pick her because of the whole Cinderella dress thing. After fastening the necklace, Evan tells her to be careful because the clasp might not be tight. Paul looks down at his tray and sees only two necklaces left. He announces the name: Melissa Jo. Oh, fucking MoJo. I knew it. Evan says she's really sweet and can carry on a conversation, so he thought he would give her a shot. Paul is down to the final necklace. He announces the name: Mandy. Who? Blandy? That's totally who it is. She's the one I referred to earlier as the blandiest bland that ever blanded. Evan calls her "good old Southern sweet Mandy." Aw, my second best friend Katy didn't get picked. Crazy Jen still has the crazy Yellow Wallpaper look on her face. I don't think the nightgown dress is helping that impression.
Alex walks up to Evan and intones, "Ladies, those of you who did not receive a necklace, please leave the chateau." Well, it's no "the tribe has spoken" or even "you've been eliminated," but it'll do. The women all hug each other. Evan voice-overs that the decisions (made by the producers) were very difficult (for him to remember, which is why Paul read the names) but he doesn't think he did too bad (clasping the necklaces, which was his only job). Evan gets the women's attention and gives a lame speech about how great they all are and how difficult the decision was.
The women return to their rooms, and some of them pack up. Someone asks Katy if she's almost ready, and Katy says she doesn't know how she fit all the stuff in the suitcase originally. In an interview, Evan says that he didn't feel the connection with Katy, but he had a hard time with that decision. In an interview, Katy says, "I can't ask someone to dig me just because I'm me. I like me okay, but that's me!" I like you too, Katy! Call me! In an interview, Jen says she just wasn't meant to be there, and it's cool because she doesn't even know Evan. She adds, "So he's not my prince and it's not my fairy tale." FTC: 8.
Dana and Heidi examine their pearl necklaces. In an interview, Heidi says that her necklace was cool and she "had one of the girls bite it to see if it was real." Okay, first of all, bite it yourself, and second of all, you don't bite it -- you rub it against your teeth to see if it feels rough. And also, bite it. In an interview, Heidi says they are all in the running for Evan, and she's competitive. How many times has she said that now? Zora says they all knew what they were in for. In an interview, Zora says that things are going to start changing a bit. In an interview, MoJo promises that she's ready for it. She looks a little bit like Reba McEntire, especially when she has her hair up. In an interview, Evan says, "Now that I've met the girls, I feel really guilty about deceiving them, but I'm waist-deep in it now. I can't go back."
Cut to Paul by the fireplace again. He says, "Going home without their pearls. Well, there isn't room in the chateau for all of us. Well, actually, there is. Anyway, as Evan continues his search for true love, week, we're going to cut even more of them. Until then, I shall be right here, awaiting your return." I'm totally picturing Paul just sitting there sipping brandy until week. I can see why they dumped Alex and added in more Paul, because he's awesome.
week: The women travel to the French countryside and shovel horse manure. Someone cries and freaks out. Something isn't fair. Someone is told to shut up and play the fucking game. A shocking secret is revealed. I think it's MoJo! She's fifty! That's my guess. Evan tries to figure out who just wants him for his money. Some more. Again. Then, they eliminate seven more women. Well, it just makes the recapping that much easier if I don't have to figure out the women's names.