Joan's on the phone in her bedroom, blaring music, talking on the phone with a friend, eating Pringles, and IMing other friends. The call waiting beep comes through, and she puts her friend on hold to take the other call. It's Adam, and she tells him, "I can't talk right now. I'm mocking people in magazines." She asks him to call back in about twenty minutes. Her mother opens the door, wearing her nightclothes and looking tired and irritated. Joan goes back to her first call, but then notices her mother. They have a wordless exchange of expressions and Joan tells her friend, "I gotta go. I'm privacy-impaired." She hangs up, and Helen says, "It's late. It's a school night." Joan says she's a big girl. Helen: "I meant me!" She says the talking and music are too loud and Joan needs to be a lot quieter. Joan clicks something on her screen (I think she closed some of her chat windows), and Helen says, "I get to know who you're talking to on the internet. Dr. Phil is very clear on this point." Joan says it's Elyse, Sophie, Rhonda, and Dakota. I'm pretty sure Elyse and Sophie are Scylla and Charybdis. She's still talking to those beeyotches? Maybe she's not as smart as she seems. Joan adds, "All girl names. Happy?" Helen: "Dakota?" Joan: "Night, Mom. Good night!" Helen tries again: "That was Adam Rove on the phone?" Joan says yes with a lot of fake cheer and even more fake patience. Helen says Joan's been talking to him a lot lately, especially at school. Joan: "Yeah, well, if you weren't there, you wouldn't have to confront these horrible truths." Helen: "He's an interesting boy...I mean, for a friend...if he's a friend...or, if he's more, um, well, then...he's less interesting, if he's more." Aw! Don't be that way. I don't want to have to smack some sense into you. Joan, pointedly: "Good night, Mom!" Helen says she misses talking to her. Joan begs her not to get into this right now, because it's late, and she's still got homework (which is what she's talking to Adam about), adding, "And besides, you know...ecch." What? Is that about Adam? Am I going to have to smack everyone in the room? Helen is surprised: "Ecch?" Joan replies, "Talking to your mother when you're sixteen, I mean, even the good ones, it's -- it's creepy, okay? Good night." Helen doesn't know how to respond to that, so she just leaves, closing the door behind her. In the hallway, she pauses for a moment, and says to herself, "Ecch?" Credits.
Joan and Luke are walking to school. She's wearing one of her twenty-foot-long Dr. Who-esque scarves and an extremely bored expression. Luke is the current reason for the bored expression, as he's prattling on about algorithmic mathematics versus dialectical mathematics, recounting some argument he had with some kid named Friedman. When he finally pauses, Joan just stares at him and says, "You are never, ever gonna get a girlfriend." Luke replies, "No, no, that's not the point. The point is, I'm right about algorithmic mathematics." Joan: "Greeeat...so ask Isaac Newton to the prom." Heh. Luke: "Sure, if he was a girl...and alive." Joan: "You know, he actually looked a lot like a girl." Luke: "Hey, hey. Don't bag on The Newt." This is bringing back memories of my high school days, when one of the science teachers held an Isaac Newton Day every year, complete with a cake with a picture of a guy with an apple falling on his head on it and various other festivities I've mostly managed to blot from my memory, though I think there were ceremonial re-enactments of Newtonian experiments. Why do I know this, when I dropped science after ninth grade? Well, I had homeroom in science classrooms at least two different years. Also, my only boyfriends in high school tended to be geeks. Oh, and I was yearbook editor, and we had to put pictures of Newton Day in there. More explanation than you needed.
They're walking past a woman with a blonde bouffant bubble 'do that makes her look like she could be Didi Glitz's mother. She's trying to duct-tape a yard sale sign to a tree trunk. First of all, um, no. Don't put duct tape on tree trunks. Do not put yard sale signs on living things; I don't care if it's a maple or the neighbour's ferret. She calls out to Joan and Luke, asking for help. They keep walking -- Luke's lost in his homework -- but Joan looks over her shoulder as the woman carps, "Don't make me shriek." Joan walks back to help her, and as she puts her hand on the poster, advertising a yard sale at 2320 Euclid Avenue. Hee, Euclid. Math. Get it? Joan's all, "What is that? That's my address!" Bouffant Lady says, "Then you must be having a yard sale on Saturday!" Joan recognizes who it is and tells Luke to go without her: "Yell if the bus comes." Luke looks puzzled. Joan dismisses him with a sarcastic little wave: "Bye!" Luke just leaves. Joan turns to Bouffant God and says, "That was close! Why didn't he see you?" Bouffant God says, "He did. Just didn't notice me. That happens a lot." Hee. Maybe that guy in the cubicle to yours, the guy who's always obsessively pulling his shirt out and retucking it, is God. Scoff if you like. It's not my eternal soul. Bouffant God wants to discuss the yard sale. Joan sneers, "Oh, yeah, like pulling out all your embarrassing stuff out of the garage and putting it on the front lawn for your neighbours to ponder?" Bouffant God confirms this cheerfully. Joan brings up her compliance on the boat issue. Bouffant God says, "Half a boat...and you saw why I wanted it!" Joan says she's not saying it wasn't cool, but whines about all the things she has to do along with being in school and trying to do better and maybe, possibly, eventually having a personal life and getting a boyfriend: "Do you understand the concept of time management?" I'd say anyone who can create heaven and earth in six days probably has a pretty good grasp, yeah. Bouffant God says she doesn't care much about time: "That's one of your innovations. But here's what I'm wondering, Joan: when are you going to get it? That whenever I ask you to do something, it's for your best interest." Joan replies, "The point is, I can-not have a yard sale on Saturday." Bouffant God hands her the duct tape and says, "Then don't have a yard sale on Saturday." She walks off. Joan calls out after her, "This is gonna get old real soon!" She turns around and pounds the sign a bit. You know, after that first episode, it doesn't seem that Joan has many doubts anymore that this is really God talking to her, or still wonders if she's going crazy. She just seems to have totally accepted it. I think, even though I'm sure I'm more of a believer than Joan was to begin with, that I'd be struggling with it some more.
It's all blue and grey, so it's police scene time. Will arrives at work, and his assistant reminds him that he's agreed to an interview with the Arcadia Herald that night at his house. Before he can get into it much more, Daghlian interrupts and Will greets him, "Good morning, Michael." I think that's the first time Will's called him that. Daghlian calls his attention to the "distraught woman" sitting near his desk, and explains that she is the victim in a rape case he worked on four months ago before he was transferred to Homicide. She met a guy at a party who took her home, beat her up, and raped her. She was found downtown, walking around dazed and confused. The person thought she was on something and called the cops. And they breathalyzed her. Will, immediately pissed: "Breathalyzed a rape victim?" Daghlian says they didn't know she'd been raped, and they determined she had been drinking but wasn't drunk. When they brought her to the station, Daghlian took the case and made an arrest: "Yeah, DNA checked out. Guy made bail. Everybody's just waiting on the trial." Daghlian tells Will that she's tired of waiting for the trial, and that her name is Sara Bonner. Will walks over and introduces himself. She says she doesn't like to make trouble, but she calls the DA's office every other week and she never gets a straight answer. Will says he appreciates her frustration, but that the case probably just hasn't made it to the DA's desk yet. Sara replies, "The man who did this to me is a monster. Why is this low down on somebody's priority list?" Will says gently, "I genuinely don't believe it is. If your case is backed up, it's because this kind of thing happens far too frequently." Daghlian tries to explain that it's no longer a police matter, once their report is in the hands of the DA's office. Sara says, "You know, I don't care about that. I just want something to happen, and I'm not gonna shut up until it does." Will promises to look into it with the DA. She stands up, realizing she's not going to get much more than that, and Will says, "I'm...very sorry about what happened to you." Sara says, "You just make sure twelve people are equally sorry -- then I'll be impressed."
As they walk through the halls, Joan is complaining to her posse, "Making a battery from scratch -- how'd Lischak know that's exactly what I wanted to do in life?" Adam: "Chah, me too." Joan: "Cool, only I'm kidding!" Grace warns her, "Mmm...maternal unit, eleven o'clock." Helen walks by and smiles, but says nothing. Grace: "That ever weird you out?" Joan: "No, no. No, it's great. Why would I want a private life?" Some guy who looks like he could be George Harrison's son, but is actually Eliza Dushku's brother Nate, comes running up behind Adam, waving a CD. Professor Frink thinks he looks more like Davy Jones. He tells Adam he checked out his "stuff" and that he digs it: "I want to punch it on my show." I already want to punch something, too, but it's not Adam's music. Adam snatches it back with annoyance, asking him where he got it. The love child of George Harrison and Davy Jones explains, "I lifted it out of your backpack during the STD film in health class. You were riveted." Nice. Boundary issues, much? Adam: "That was a bogus move." Grace and Joan go to the lockers while Georgie Harrison-Jones, Jr. tells Adam, "It's all in the interest of making you famous, yo." Joan says to Adam, "I thought you gave up on music." Grace says he doesn't have any music: "He samples nature sounds. Crickets having sex. Something that he and only other crickets get off on." Hey, hey, watch it. Adam could turn out to be the John Cage or Iannis Xenakis or Karlheinz Stockhausen...or maybe more like Harry Partch or Eugene Chadbourne. Whereas hipster boy here is going to end up being a skeevy DJ at some dive club, coming on to underage girls for the rest of his life. He introduces himself to Joan as Clay Fisher, and Joan tells him her name. They smile at each other pretty warmly. In the background, Adam wears his dismay and confusion so openly that my heart almost breaks. Clay goes back to Adam and asks if he can play his stuff on his show: "I need you to sign off." Adam says he'll think about it, but you can pretty much tell he's already made up his mind. Clay claps him on the shoulder a couple of times and takes off, making sure to glance back at Joan a couple of times as he goes. Joan, trying to be cool and blasé and totally failing, asks, "Who was that masked man?" Adam says, with no small measure of contempt: "Works at the school radio station. You know, weekend DJ, arbiter of cool." Why would a school need a DJ on a weekend? Grace defends him: "He's not a total buttwart. At least he has a sense of direction. And he's the go-to guy if you ever need a fire drill to get you out of a test." Clay decides when they have fire drills? I notice a little sign inside Grace's locker that says, "Sorority Girls Suck." Adam says Clay just wants to make fun of his stuff. Joan thinks he's sincere. Adam: "Rockin' insight, Jane." He leaves with a look of disgust. Joan asks if she just missed something. Grace: "Uh, Clay Fisher just flirted with you, Adam Rove is all about you, dramatic tension ensued...were you born without a radar?" Hee! More Grace and Adam, please. Joan just kind of grins to herself and says, "I guess I was."
Will's at home being interviewed by Sidney Poitier's daughter, Sydney Tamiia Poitier. I guess you really need the "Tamiia" in there if you're going to name your daughter Sydney Poitier. I bet it's not too hard to get auditions, but it can't be an easy name for a young actor to live up to. Also, I love the lamp to Will. Forget The West Wing set designers...the Joan of Arcadia designers and I are best friends 4-eva. Okay, so she's asking Will about being brought in to kick the ass of an inept police department. Will rejects the description "inept" and argues that they were overworked. She says the crime rate in Arcadia was skyrocketing before he got there. It was? Dude, how big is this place? Is there any place in North America where crime rates are actually skyrocketing? ["The White House?" -- Sars] The reporter says, "Word is there are some interdepartmental disputes, resulting in a general atmosphere of chaos?" Will doesn't care for the word "chaos" either: "There are some kinks in the system, and I'm here to work those out." Reporter: "Well, what's floating around in this atmosphere is that this is High Noon, and you are Gary Cooper." Will laughs, surprised and flattered: "Well...I'm Gary Cooper?" Dude needs more media training. Don't be surprised to wake up and find a newspaper headline that reads: "Chief Girardi: 'I'm Gary Cooper.'"
Kevin rolls in and says he's home, then sees that his dad is talking to someone, and apologizes for interrupting. Will introduces him to the reporter, whose name is Rebecca Askew. Will asks him how his job search went. Kevin says he has applications all over town, and now he just waits to hear something. Rebecca asks what kind of job he's looking for. Kevin, ever the smartass, replies, "Well, brain surgeon's my first choice, followed by rock star, and third would be night shift at Burger Man Barry's." She laughs, asking where he went to school. Will quickly interjects that Kevin had a scholarship to the University of Arizona to play baseball. I wonder if they lived in Arizona before. I always think they're from Chicago for some reason. Kevin adds that that didn't pan out: "So now I'm just a guy pounding the pavement. Well, not so much pounding as rolling." Rebecca doesn't seem to know whether to laugh at that, and Will says nothing. She says that they desperately need a fact checker at the newspaper: "It's a thankless job for an intelligent person, but it could lead to better positions." Kevin asks what's involved. Maybe if you have to ask that, you're not the right person for the job. She says you read the stories and check the facts: "Pretty much like it sounds." They all chuckle, and Kevin says he could do that. She asks if he wants to come in tomorrow. He says he does. Did she just ask him in for an interview, or did she just hire him? Also, what is she, the editor-in-chief? Will quickly interjects, "I'm sure it's understood, but he's not...any kind of inside source for you." Chee, Dad, take a pill. Worry more about that Gary Cooper remark. Rebecca assures Will, as she hands Kevin her card, "I'm an ethical journalist, Chief Girardi." Will: "And I'm Gary Cooper, so it's all good." No, don't repeat that. Oy.
Joan's out in the garage rummaging around while Luke harangues her. He looks at a pair of skis and comments, "Pre-parabolic skis. I think these are illegal now." Frink: "Man, they moved in really fast." Spoken like a man who moved two months ago, and whose office still is only half unpacked. Luke notices what Joan's doing, and complains that she can't sell his first chemistry set: "You know, somebody's going to want that for the Smithsonian one day." Joan: "Help, or leave. Pick one." Helen comes out to see how it's going. Joan asks, "Mom, how come you guys have so much weird crap?" Helen says Will hates to throw anything away. She grabs something off a shelf and says, "For example...his Joe Namath Grill!" As Joan and Luke struggle over a squeaky bunny puppet, Joan asks, "Who's Joe Namath?" Yeah, thanks, I don't feel old enough already. ["These kids have never seen a Nobody Beats The Wiz ad? Or a Brady Bunch rerun? It's not like Broadway Joe retired into obscurity." -- Sars] Helen says, "The patron saint of macho cross-dressers everywhere." No, actually she says, "A football player who wore pantyhose." Luke sneers (while caressing his bunny protectively), "Is that how you get a grill named after you?" I think George Foreman found a way around it. Joan whines that she's never going to get through all this by Saturday. Helen asks why she's complaining, since it was her idea. Joan: "No, it isn't." Helen's puzzled. Joan tries to cover her comment, indicating that it's just more work than she thought it would be. Helen finds some ugly old lamp with an owl as its base, saying it was a wedding present from Aunt Theresa. Then she starts fawning over some bronzed baby shoes. Her back is turned as Joan unearths a couple of old paintings -- they're somewhat disturbed, and not terribly good, but they're identifiably images of Helen, and Joan says, "Wow...dark. Mom, did you paint these?" Luke says, "I thought you were all about landscapes." Joan: "These are cool." Luke: "Yeah, like twisted." Helen gets a worried look on her face and turns around. In a distraught voice she says, "Put those away." Joan says she likes them, and asks if she can put one in her room. Helen: "Why would you want to? They're ugly. Put them away." Joan and Luke seem surprised by her change in demeanor, and she just walks out without another word, slamming the door behind her. Joan stares after her, asking, "What nerve was that?"
Will's walking through the halls with DA Gabe Fellowes, who's saying that Sara Bonner's case is still with his deputies, but as far as he knows, there was no weapon, no witnesses, and she voluntarily left the party with the accused, whom she knew. Um, so fucking what? Anything that happens after that is just fine? Will points out that the accused beat her up and nearly choked her to death. Fellowes says defense counsel will claim she "liked it rough" and later felt ashamed. Will: "So she subjected herself to a painful exam and public humiliation?" Fellowes says she was drinking. Will says she wasn't drunk. Fellowes has heard that there was a number recorded. Will says a cop made a mistake, and her breathalyzer result was only .03: "That's a glass of wine." Fellowes: "That's a number. Most rape cases, there isn't a number. Did it make it into the report?" Will assumes it did. Fellowes says that's another problem. If it's in the report, and he sees it, he's stuck with it. Will asks, "So you're bouncing this back to me because the girl had a glass of wine?" Fellowes: "Geez, am I talking to myself here? Look, I've tried two hundred rape cases. There's a pattern: guy had a gun, looks like a lunatic with tattoos? Jury'll go with the victim, no problem. But if he doesn't have a weapon and he resembles their son or their brother, they'll start looking to give him a break. Maybe it's because she knew him, maybe it's because she was drinking. Maybe it's both -- but they'll latch onto something!" Will replies, "I'd like to send a different message under my watch: we don't grade on a curve. Rapists don't get a pass." Fellowes hands Will a file and says, "Then go back and teach your boys how to write a report."
Rebecca shows Kevin around the newsroom, ending at his desk and introducing him to a pencil holder full of pencils, and a pile of files, representing "way too much work that you need to finish by lunch." Kevin: "Bring on the facts, I'll shake those babies down." You forgot "yo." Rebecca says they're starting him off with local fashion, weddings, and parties. Indicating his nondescript blue polo shirt, Kevin replies, "Obviously fashion is my forte." She advises him, "Call me if you need any help, but...don't need any help."
Joan and her posse are in AP Chem, and Ms. Lischak is doing her wildly animated teaching routine on the subject of nucleic acids, and she's just about to tell them what's so fun about nucleic acids when Vice-Principal Price interrupts via intercom and says he needs Joan Girardi to come to Room 171. Ms. Lischak tosses Joan a pink slip of paper and Adam says, "I'll tell you later what's fun about nucleic acids." Okay, but if she's not interested, will you tell me?
Joan finds Room 171, which has a sign outside it saying "Audio Visual." She opens the door, and there's Clay in his little DJ booth. Joan looks slightly flattered and pleased to find that it's him, but probably mostly relieved that it's not actually Price. Clay apologizes for taking Price's name in vain, and explains he has a hook-up to the PA system to pipe music during the football season: "So...I'm your hero, right? Bustin' you out of Chem class?" I don't get it -- did he imitate Price's voice? Joan says, "That depends on why you did it." She's wearing another twenty-foot scarf. How many does she have? He says, "It's because I'm cataloguing stuff, and I concentrate better if I have a smart girl nearby." I know what you were thinking there, Clay, but I still think you would have scored higher with "pretty" or "cute" than "smart." I don't think Joan's at the point where she cares more about "smart" than "pretty." Joan asks how he knows she's smart. He says he asked around: "I also asked if you were beautiful, and four out of five doctors said yes." Me: "Oh, gag." Frink: "Aw, don't fall for this knob." Joan smiles, and doesn't know what to say. What a lame line. Joan asks where his supervisor is. Clay says he usually leaves him alone because Clay takes his Friday and Saturday night shifts: "Spinning mind-numbing jazz so he won't have to." I don't understand: is this a job? A school project? Where is this radio station broadcast? I don't get it. There was no radio station where I went to school, although apparently Frink was a deejay at his. Clay asks what she wants to hear, suggesting The Flaming Lips. Joan agrees, and asks what he really wanted. Clay asks if she wants to hang out with him on Saturday before he goes to work. He offers to play her some of his mixes. Joan asks, "This Saturday?" Clay says he'd take her out at night like a normal person if he didn't have to work. Let's not get all crazy with the "like a normal person" comparisons. Joan says it sounds like fun, but she really can't, because there's some stuff she has to do. Clay looks bummed and unconvinced: "Stuff to do. 'Like not hangin' out with you, Fisher!' Well, if you'll excuse me...I, um...have to go somewhere, and, like, be humiliated." Good. Do that. Joan quickly says, "No, no, no. I -- I really want to. Really, really." Clay: "Oh. Three 'reallys.' Interesting." Joan stumbles over explaining her Saturday obligations again. Girl, just suggest Sunday afternoon or something. What is the big deal about suggesting an alternate time? Joan decides that this vague other thing she doesn't want to tell him about is something she can "totally get out of," and Clay smiles, saying, "Wore you down, didn't I? With a little one-two punch of self-deprecation...and trying to look like Ashton Kutcher." Me: "In your dreams, buddy." Frink: "Yeah, Davy Jones." You can tell even Joan thinks this is a little goofy by the way she wriggles her eyebrows, laughs, and says, "Okay." Joan thinks she's gotta get going, and Clay tries to encourage her to stay, saying there are only ten minutes left in the period and she's "home free." Joan says they can't talk about everything now; they have to save something for Saturday. There are lots of awkward silences and smiles and hopeful glances and God I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore. She leaves, closing the door behind her and saying to herself, "You walked right into that one, Girardi."
Will's in his office when his assistant brings in Sara Bonner. She can tell from his expression that he doesn't have good news. He explains that the DA's deputies are still scrutinizing evidence and evaluating the strength of the case. Her voice full of emotion, Sara asks, "Did they see the pictures of me? Did they talk to the doctors?" Will says that is all in the report. Sara: "Well, maybe he'll kill the girl. I mean, that's a stronger case, I assume?" Will says he understands how painful this is for her. Sara: "Don't say you understand -- you don't! No man gets to say that." Will replies gently, "You're right...but some of us are closer to understanding than others." Could we all just agree that rape and sexual assault are, by definition, horrible, soul-destroying violations no matter who they happen to, no matter the victim's age, class, occupation, sex, or race? Could we recognize that both women and men are raped; both men and women commit sexual assault (though admittedly, men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators)? You can never assume that any man you're talking to hasn't been sexually assaulted. You can't assume a woman will automatically show more compassion or empathy to a survivor than a man will. I think if we could agree on that, that would constitute some kind of progress. Will promises to do everything he can to shore up the case: "Either way, it should be resolved soon." Sara says quietly, "Resolved." They just look at each other.
Joan wanders into the hall, past a guy whose demeanor sort of reminds me of Eldon from Murphy Brown. Standing in front of some vending machines, he asks, "What's your pleasure, little lady?" She says she's not hungry and keeps walking. He says, "Aren't you busy on Saturday?" She stops and turns around to ask, "Did it ever occur to you that I get to have a love life?" Vending Machine God replies, "Ah, romantic love. I'm proud of that. Some of my best work." And some of the worst. J. Lo, I'm looking at you. Joan laughs politely, sighs, and says, "Look, I'm trying, all right? And I'm not a try-er, okay? Ask anyone. This guy is a cool guy. He's not a geek, he's not a stoner, he's not a jerk." Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. "He's just a really nice guy that likes me, and you wanna talk about mysteries of the universe? That's a big one. And I'd like a shot at it, if you don't mind!" Vending Machine God says, "Sure." She thanks him with a prayerful gesture and walks away. He says, "But aren't you busy on Saturday?"
Will arrives home to find Helen in the kitchen, with colourful crap from the garage all over every surface. Will figures he missed dinner. She says she ordered Chinese and expects it any minute, and that Kevin's working late: "I love saying that." Will: "Why is my past on the kitchen table?" Helen explains that Joan's having a yard sale and she got sucked into it: "Don't ask me why, 'cause I don't know." He's alarmed: "My Joe Namath grill?" Helen: "Will! Don't start taking stuff back. Besides, we have a George Foreman grill now. It's better." Hee. Will asks, "What is it with Joan, anyway?" Except at first I thought he said, "What is it with Joe, anyway?" I thought we'd get to hear about Joe Namath. I always liked him more than any other football player just because of that pantyhose thing. Even though I hate the word "pantyhose" -- it makes my skin crawl.
Helen says, "Beats me...we never talk anymore." Come on, she's sixteen. Didn't that start about three or four years ago? Will can see Helen's upset about something, and she tells him, "She found my paintings. I asked you to get rid of them when we moved here." Will says quietly that he couldn't. Helen: "I asked you to!" Will replies, "Maybe this gives you an opportunity to...talk to her about what happened." Helen: "No!" Will thinks she needs to know: "You always said you'd tell her when she was old enough." Helen pulls on a sweater and says, "I changed my mind." She sits down at the table. "'Joan: a man crawled into my dorm room at college and raped me and he never got caught.' How's that gonna help her?" Will just looks down. Helen: "She knows about sex. I've lectured her about being safe. Knowing what happened to me doesn't do anything except put pictures in her mind that she doesn't need to have. My God, she -- she hasn't even fallen in love yet." Will suggests, "It could help her to understand you." Helen: "Why would I want her to understand that part?" Will: "You feel she keeps things from you..." Helen: "Will. This is my call." Will just nods slightly. I guess now we know why Helen dropped out of school.
Will and Daghlian have managed to convince the accused in the Bonner case to come in for further discussion of the case. He's got his lawyer with him, and he seems like a smarmy creep. He says he already told them everything: he took her home from the party, made out, and she had a few "creative ideas" and he went with them: "I should have said no but I didn't." His lawyer reminds them that they're cooperating as a goodwill gesture, and her client has no obligation to speak with them anymore. Daghlian says that the new police chief is a perfectionist, and he likes to make sure they have all their facts straight before going to trial. The lawyer says she hears it isn't going to get that far. Will admits that's the most likely scenario, but he needs to be prepared for any possible action on her client's part in the future, such as suing the department for wrongful arrest. Will unfolds a piece of paper and asks, "Do you know who Amy McFadden is?" His lawyer quickly tells him not to answer that. Will says it's a yes or no question. Smarmy Creep says he doesn't know Amy McWhatzit. Will says, "Reeeaaallly..." He just lets that hang there. While his lawyer suddenly falls into a coma or something, Smarmy Creep lets it rip: "There are some real psychos out there, okay? It's not even safe to talk to a woman anymore. It's like an epidemic, you know, with all of them yelling 'rape' this, 'assault' that. Look at Kobe and Tyson." Yeah, bring them up. Excellent move. He continues: "It's everywhere! You know, women --" His lawyer suddenly regains consciousness and asks the cops for a minute. Will agrees, and they leave. Through the window, we can see her tearing a strip off Smarmy Creep. Daghlian asks, "What's that about?" Will says, "Oh, she's explaining that a civil trial would open up the case so he should forget that, and she's asking him who Amy McFadden is." Daghlian asks who she is. Will: "My girlfriend from the seventh grade." He adds, "I just needed to know for myself. He's guilty as hell."
Kevin wheels up to a co-worker in the newsroom and asks if he's seen Rebecca. Indifferently, the guy tells him to check the break room. He wheels over there, but from outside the room he overhears another co-worker, a fashionista with an English accent, complaining to Rebecca about him: "The boy doesn't know a hoodie from a poncho. He asked me the other day if Miu Miu was a Chinese food. I said, 'Oh sure...you get it from a restaurant run by Jimmy Choo.' He believed me." Rebecca: "I don't get that joke." Fashionista says, "Yeah, well, you're not fact-checking my articles, are you? Look, he may be cuter than Tickle Me Elmo, but he's on your team, so I get no benefits from browsing." She says that's not why she hired him. Fashionista sneers, "Oh, please, Rebecca! I know you. You make Dick Cheney look apolitical! You hired him for the gimp points." She says it's not true. He makes a sound of disbelief. She admits it's partly true: "We get a break from the government on him, and I figure, where else are we going to find a young, smart guy who is cheap and willing to sit at a desk all day?" Kevin, having heard more than enough, starts to wheel away, but not before he hears Fashionista say, "All of which would make perfect sense if he could only spell his name."
Clay runs up to Joan outside at school, saying, "Hey, J.G.! What's doing?" "J.G."? Hate that. Shut up, Davy Jones. Joan says she didn't want to butt in. Butt into what? I don't know. Clay says fifteen good butt jokes just died because he was a gentleman. He says he didn't see her with "the usuals" in the cafeteria. She says she needed a break. He asks if they're still on for Saturday. Joan admits that she can't get out of the thing she has to do. So just suggest another time! It's not like the guy is saying you have to see him Saturday, because he's being executed at sunset that day. Although that would be fine by me. It gets up my nose when people on TV are pointlessly obtuse just to support a weak bit of plotting. Clay asks her what it is she's busy with. I don't know why it's so embarrassing -- I mean, yes, it's not like she's going to be doing something terribly cool, but just say it's your parents' idea and you have to help them. Who cares? Yeah, you can tell I'm old enough to have teenagers of my own. She finally coughs up the facts, and Clay says that's cool: "I'll swing by. Take a look at some of your dad's records." I'm trying to decide what Will would have listened to back in the day, and absolutely nothing I come up with is convincing. It's just hard to picture him listening to music at all. Clay asks, "What is it: Tony Bennett, or Dino?" Actually, now that he mentions Tony Bennett, I could see that. Joan says, "Nah, it's all of them. And some guy named Jefferson Airplane." Heh. "Are you sure you want to? Parental units will be there...the whole thing's gonna be kinda pathetic." Clay: "I'll tell you what's pathetic: moping around thinking about some girl." Joan smiles and, as usual, doesn't know how to respond to that. He leans over and quickly kisses her on the mouth. He walks off, leaving her looking slightly surprised. She smiles and turns around and giggles to herself.
Will is going over the report in the Bonner case. Daghlian watches him for a moment at the door, and then says, "Chief, I'm headed out to the scene of a jumper. Thirtieth floor onto concrete...it worked." Arcadia has thirty-storey buildings? I am convinced the population of Arcadia must be over a million. Daghlian asks if Will needs him to come back afterward. Will says he'll see him tomorrow. Daghlian asks if he's looking at the final report on the Bonner case. Will says he's double-checking it before he sends it back to the DA: "Scum's gonna walk. Turns my stomach." Daghlian takes the blame for including the breathalyzer result. Will says he was just being an honest cop. Daghlian: "Actually, I thought it would help her case...prove she wasn't drunk. Now I'd give anything to take it back." Will: "So would I." He hands Daghlian the file and says, "Ship it."
Kevin's working late, and Rebecca comes along and tells him he should go home. Kevin says tersely that he's not finished. Rebecca says he did pretty well today: "You may have a future in this." He doesn't say anything. She grabs the pencil out of his hand and says, "Come on! It's Friday night. Go have some fun." He grabs another pencil from his big jar and says, "I really want to finish." Rebecca asks why. Frink: "Because I'm not coming back on Monday." Kevin: "Because I'm not coming back on Monday." Rebecca asks why. Kevin replies, "Let's just say it's a gimp thing." Rebecca figures it out and says, "Andy is a pissy queen." This line really bugged me. What's his orientation got to do with anything? He gets more slack to insult people because he's queer? She could have said something like, "Oh, he thinks he's Carson Kressley." Except not enough people probably know who Carson is yet for that to work. Kevin replies, "Oh, good, we've all got nicknames. What's yours?" Rebecca: "Affirmative-Action Figure. When I first started as copy editor, I heard it in the hallways. I cried every night. But in here, I was all business. And I made sure I was indispensable." Kevin: "What a heart-warming story. I'll be sure to tell all my crip pals." Rebecca says, "You know what your problem is?" He says, "I'll bet it's my pride." Rebecca cuts loose: "You still identify with who you used to be: able-bodied, handsome, white man in America -- everything was coming your way. Well, now it's gonna be a little bit of a struggle. You're going to have to pick your battles." You can tell no one's ever spoken to him this way. He tells her, "Go to hell." She's a little taken aback, but finally says, "One day you're going to remember me...as maybe the first person who refused to pity you."
Yard sale. Joan sells a pair of electric scissors. Luke comes over to nag her not to bargain on the geodes: "They're worth, like, five times that much already!" I can't believe he's letting them go. Just cram 'em in your room somewhere. I love a good geode. I think I see an amethyst one on the table -- those are my favourite. I used to collect rocks when I little, and I still have them all. Should probably sell them on eBay or something, but I can't bring myself to part with them. Luke tries to grab one and Joan intercepts him, warning, "Hey! No take-backs!" Luke takes off, complaining, "I can't stand to watch this!" Helen nags a customer groping through a pink jewellery box to be careful: "Some of this actually belonged to my grandmother." ["Well, then don't sell it. The hell? It's like 'Enid's Sale In Ghost World, Part Two.'" -- Sars] The woman dumps it all, annoyed, and leaves. Joan comes over to reprimand her, and Helen says it makes her cranky to see people pawing through her stuff. Joan: "Then don't help, okay?" Will comes out of the house and announces that he's going to the gym, unless he's needed at the sale. I can't believe he isn't out there pulling his 9 mm on every other customer: "All right, just drop the FlowBee and nobody gets hurt!" Joan quickly replies, "No, no, no...please go..." She stage-whispers, "And take Mom!" Will: "Hey, is that my weed-whacker?" Helen says he never uses it. Will says he was going to. Joan whines, "Dad, come on! No take-backs!"
Clay arrives, asking, "Did I miss out on all the vinyl?" Helen: "My word, it's Clay Fisher." Joan introduces her father and directs him to the "music selection." Helen remarks amiably, "I'd keep an eye on this one." Clay says, "Mrs. G., I don't boost for my own gain. Only when there's a laugh to be had, or I'm helping people, yo." Whatever, Davy. Helen: "Yeah, yeah." It's like she knows he's full of it but inexplicably doesn't care. He picks up an album and says, "Bobby Darin! Get out!" Will hears this and looks up. Clay: "I'll take this off your hands!" Will says, "Wait..." Helen: "Now, we don't have a turntable anymore!" What sort of freak doesn't have a turntable? Yeah, yeah, I know: most of you. Well, you can take the CDs I've been forced to buy when no other format is available, and I'll keep my vinyl. Sometimes you need to hear real music, not sonic Cheez-Whiz (tm Daniel Richler, I think). Clay: "Uriah Heep! Mott the Hoople!" Actually, I was thinking Will might have gotten into Grand Funk Railroad. Will complains, "She's selling my youth!" Helen: "Go to the gym!" Will comes over to Joan and Clay as she begs, "Dad, please don't, please..." He puts his arm around Clay and says, "Son, I realize these are for sale, but do an old boomer a favour here, huh?" Clay says he'll give him twice the asking price. Joan: "Mom!" Helen: "Will..." Will: "These are my records, Helen! The soundtrack of my life." Clay decides to extract himself from this little family squabble and use the bathroom. Joan directs him.
Once he leaves, she smacks her hand down and says to her father, "That was humiliating!" Helen: "Clay Fisher is a friend of yours?" Joan: "Why don't you just bring out the naked baby pictures?" Will hoists the crate of records and takes off for the gym. Joan's almost speechless: "This is a nightmare!" She stomps away, and Helen follows, carrying on about not knowing she and Clay were friends. Okay, we've got that. Try to keep up, Helen. Joan: "Do not ask the question!" A customer calls out, "Does this footbath work?" Joan says she'll be right with him. Helen: "He's a very charming boy." Joan knows. Helen adds, "And you always have to be a little wary of charm, that's all I'm saying. Well, the fire drill thing gets old with the faculty." Joan: "Mom, I like him and he likes me. If I waited around for you to approve someone I liked, then I'd never have a date, so just back off!" Man, Helen and Will sure are patient. And easygoing. I might have spoken to my mother like this, but the words out of my mother's mouth wouldn't have been Helen's: "I think you're special. I think you deserve to be with someone that's worthy of you, and I'm not saying that..." Suddenly she gets an unhappy look on her face about something she can see over Joan's shoulder. Someone's looking at one of her paintings. She takes the painting out of the customer's hand. Joan says, "You said you didn't want them!" Helen didn't want her to sell them to strangers, either. She grabs the other one and takes them into the house. On the front step, she pauses to tell Joan, on the verge of tears, "These are mine. You don't know what they mean. You don't...have any idea." She goes into the house just as Clay's coming out. He asks Joan, "What happened?" Joan, bewildered, says, "I have no idea."
Joan and Helen are sitting at the kitchen table, not talking to each other. Joan seems to be reading a textbook; Helen's doing a crossword. Will comes in asking how he can be running late already, and wondering where his badge is. He asks, "What happened to Sunday?" Helen: "It was devoured by football games." Hmm. That wouldn't explain where my Sundays go. They have what I'm fairly sure is a blackboard from IKEA on a wall, but it looks like it's been painted, as I think it's only available in a wood stain. I sort of thought about getting that, because I really want a blackboard, but I want to try to find an old one, preferably of real slate. Sorry, sorry. This isn't Trading Spaces. Will approaches Joan, asking, "Honey, you didn't sell my badge, did you?" She studiously ignores him. Will asks Helen, "Are we gonna hang meat in here later?" Hee! Joan turns a page in those most petulant way possible. He wonders if this is about the records. Helen says, "No. This particular sulk has my name on it." Joan says, "Keep the paintings, don't keep the paintings. Who cares? The point is, you acted like a freak in front of my boyfriend!" Helen says she didn't know he was her boyfriend. Joan flings her book shut and snaps, "Well, he probably isn't anymore!" She stomps out.
Will runs into the DA, who tells him he just got the Bonner report and everything looks good, and to tell Daghlian they'll probably go to court week. Will's confused: "You read the report?" He has. Will can't believe nothing in the report bothers him. Gabe: "No." Will: "Well, it should." Gabe: "Well, it doesn't." He takes off. Wait a minute: he already knew a breathalyzer test had been done, and that Sara had been drinking. Shouldn't he be wondering where that information went? Or is he okay with a falsified report? Earlier, when he told Will to teach his boys how to write a report, was he actually suggesting that he have Daghlian rewrite it? We already know this guy is a total opportunist, from the arson story.
AP Chem. Ms. Lischak is leading them through some experiment. Other people's beakers or test tubes or whatever are bubbling away. Joan, Grace, and Adam have got nothing. Grace: "There's more activity in my parents' bedroom." Adam: "Chah, well, the Bunsen burner's totally wigging out!" Grace: "I'll break it to Lischak." Joan and Adam take their safety glasses off, and Adam says, "So...about your boyfriend..." Joan says he's not her boyfriend. Adam continues, "Well, apparently he's been busy busting guys in the bathroom for smoking." Joan repeats, not looking at Adam, that he's not her boyfriend. Adam says he has police creds and he's pretending to be a narc. He's been able to extract twelve bucks from some gullible kids. Must not be very convincing...you'd think he's be able to get more than twelve bucks in bribes. Joan asks, "What kind of idiot falls for the fake police badge trick?" Adam tells her gently that it's not a fake: "It's the genuine article. 'Chief of Police' stamped right on it." Yeah, 'cause that's what a narc's badge would say. How stupid are these kids? Joan looks unhappy but not altogether surprised by the news. Adam says, "Sorry to break it to you..." Joan softly interjects, "No, you're not." Actually, while I do think Adam is thrilled that Clay has so quickly outed himself as the sleazy wanker Adam is convinced he is, I don't actually think he's glad that Joan's hurt, or that he's the one to give her the news. I do think he actually feels bad about that. Adam, as usual, looks slightly hurt and confused by her comment.
Will confronts Daghlian about the Bonner report. Daghlian says he takes full responsibility. Will tells him, "There's no looking the other way on my shift." Will says to get the report back. Daghlian says the DA wouldn't give it back even if he asked. Will: "I don't play ball." Daghlian tells a little story: "There was once a good cop. High-ranking, on his way up, in narcotics. He wanted to take this drug dealer down, but he had no probable cause. So he took advantage of a phantom anonymous tip. He knew it wouldn't hold up under scrutiny, but he believed his squad would back him up. However, he didn't -- he didn't count on the good captain." Will says, "He was a good captain. And the best thing he ever did for me was junk me from the squad, send me to the fringes, and make me start all over again. I had to work my way back to being an honest cop." Daghlian: "The point is, you played ball." Will: "The point is, I did my time, and now you have to do yours." Daghlian says that there are certain forces in the universe that aren't going to let that happen. Such as? Seriously, did Daghlian think reminding Will of that story was going to make him more sympathetic? I have to assume Will told Daghlian about that himself. Daghlian must realize how Will feels about it, and how it's shaped his ethics. Will replies, "If the powers that be want to set you up in the county -- hell, if they want to make you the Commissioner, I'll fall on that sword when I come to it. But you don't work for me." Daghlian argues a bad guy is going to prison. Will isn't going to tolerate a falsified report. Daghlian: "You asked me to!" Will: "I'm sorry if that's what you thought." Daghlian: "You practically spelled it out!" Come on. Where's he getting that? Will says, "If that's the party favour you want to take out of here, I can't stop you. Now pack your things and go." Bye-bye, Doctor Dave. But wouldn't Smarmy Creep's lawyer have already seen the report, including the breathalyzer result? Wouldn't she have to have seen this by now? Wouldn't they base the guy's charges on the report? And we know he's been charged because he's out on bail. How did Daghlian expect to get away with this? Anyway, I guess the door is open for him to come back eventually, but probably not anytime soon.
Rebecca and Andy (Fashionista, wearing a really ugly shirt) are arguing about something on his computer screen. He says she needs the whole thing; she doesn't like it: "It looks exactly the same." Andy: "The top is taupe and the bottom's mushroom. It's totally different." So, what, she's an art director now, too? Kevin wheels past -- I guess he decided to come back after all -- and stops to say, "Uh, a hoodie is a sweat jacket with a hood -- applies to a zip-up or a pullover. A poncho is a triangular piece of knitted fabric with a hole in the middle, currently experiencing a comeback. If you'll excuse me, I have work to do." I think that's a pretty skewed definition of a poncho, but whatever. He sorta showed them.
Another day, another twenty-foot scarf. Joan runs into Clay and he says, "Well, that's the smile of the century." Joan points out she's not smiling. Clay thinks he'd better take care of that, and tries to lean toward her to kiss her. She turns her face slightly and says, "Give it back." He doesn't say anything at first, so she adds, "My dad's badge." About five different reactions pass quickly across his face, and you can tell at least one of them goes along with the idea of lying about it, before he says, "Look, it was just sitting there on the kitchen counter, screaming 'golden opportunity' at me." She's not appeased. He adds, "J.G., relax! It's not the Holy Grail. They hand these things out like candy. They just stamp 'em out at the warehouse." Huh? Even if that were true, that's what they do with hood ornaments, but stealing one is still a crime. Clay "guarantees" her dad's gotten his replaced already. Yeah, it's just like dropping a fork at a restaurant. And impersonating an officer, that's definitely not a crime either. Joan says it's just not that funny. Clay says she's not going to get in trouble. How the hell would he know? Boy, I would like to give this kid such a clop in the chops. Joan says, "It's not about trouble. You have my dad's police badge, and I want it back." Clay: "Or you're going to have to tell your daddy?" Joan just looks at him uncomfortably until he hands it over. Clay informs her, "You have potential, but you're kind of a drip, you know?" Joan just looks sad, and he finally leaves. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Joan's riding the bus home with a bunch of other slobs when an older businessman sits down to her and prattles about the Dow and Wall Street. It's HITG! David Doty. Right away, I figure it's God. Joan obviously thinks so, too, because she snippily informs the man that she's not in the mood. He doesn't say anything. She says she did the right thing and got her father's badge back, and figured out Clay's a jerk: "Now I'm back to being a loser, like the universe intended." The guy doesn't say anything or react much, so I think, "Wait, this is going to be one of those times when she thinks it's God but it's really just some schmo, and totally embarrasses herself." Then he finally says, "You should be nicer to your mother." So it is God. Excellent fake-out. Joan complains that her mother's against her having a life. Businessman God: "She's against you getting hurt. She knows something about that." Joan wonders if this is about those paintings. Businessman God asks, "Where do you think that kind of thing comes from in a person?" Joan: "A mood." Businessman God: "You have a mood, you eat French fries. But when you have pain, there's a little more work to deal with it." Joan thinks out loud: "She had to have done those before she had Kevin." Businessman God: "Before your father, even." Joan asks, "What happened to her?" Businessman God looks away. Man, you know it's bad if God won't make eye contact. Joan wonders if that's why her mother is "so weird" about Joan dating. He still says nothing. "How bad was it?" Businessman God replies, "It was evil...and I don't throw that word around." They're at his stop, and he gets off and leaves. Joan calls out, "Wait, you can't leave...what happened to my mother?" She starts shouting: "Wait, come back here! You have to tell me! God! God!" People are turning to stare at her.
Helen's on the couch reading by a fire when Will comes in with a drink and asks if she minds some company. There are some vases on the table in the background that I really like, especially the tallest one. I suppose they'll come out with a soundtrack CD for the show, but frankly, while I do like a lot of the music, I'd rather have the set designers' Rolodexes. Will sits down to her and tells her he found his badge on his nightstand: "Did you put it there?" She says she didn't. Will: "Then I have bad news: you're married to an old fart." Helen laughs: "But he's an amazing old fart." He asks if she and Joan have made up. Helen replies, "You were at dinner. What do you think?" He takes a sip of his drink, and she asks if everything's okay. He tells her he had to fire Daghlian over a procedural issue: "I'll be feeling that for a while. He won't be easy to replace." Helen: "I'm sorry. You liked him." Will hesitates for a few moments before saying, "I've been working on a rape case." Helen pauses almost as long before replying, "I know." He wonders how she knows. Helen: "Because whenever you're working on a rape case, you get very quiet, and you stop talking about your work...and you grind your teeth in your sleep." Will explains that there were problems in Daghlian's report, and he could have looked the other way, but didn't. Helen softly says that that's good: "We talked about this before. You can't fix what happened to me. No matter how many rapists you put away. You just make sure I'm married to an honest man." She smiles. I get the feeling Helen covers up piles of pain with all that smiling. Even though it happened before he knew her, I wonder if Will chose his career because of what happened to her. I wonder if perhaps he put aside the athletic life Kevin accuses him of living through his oldest son, for reasons Kevin couldn't imagine. Will slides to one knee on the floor, and takes her hand, asking, "When was the last time I did this?" She smiles and says it was 1981, when he proposed to her at Carmine's Restaurant. He caresses her hand and says, "I need you to tell her." Helen's smile fades. He continues, "I don't know why, but...I really need it, Helen. Maybe because I'm so afraid of her not knowing how close it is to her...all of the time." Helen looks troubled. He's nearly in tears -- and he's not the only one -- when he begs, "Please do this for me." Helen softens and puts her hand on his face. He kisses her hands. Lovely scene between the two of them. The chemistry is really coming along, and I'm buying them as a couple much more. My only tiny quibble is -- with all this in their history, shouldn't they both have been much more freaked out than they were by the "pervert" in the yard and the attack on Joan in the first episode?
We fade to her walking slowly up the stairs. Before going to Joan's room, she glances into Kevin's room, where Kevin and Luke are completely absorbed in something on TV. Maybe she just wants to make sure they won't be interrupted. Maybe she needs to reassure herself that her boys would never hurt anyone like she's been hurt. She approaches Joan's room looking like she has news of a recent death. Joan's on her bed, wearing headphones and reading. When she sees her mother's face, she takes her headphones off, and Helen says, "I have something to tell you." Joan nods and says, "I know." Helen steels herself and closes the door. This time, she's on the inside, with Joan.