Someone walks up to a dumpster in the dark and puts a gym bag into it. Over this we hear a phone call made to 911. A girl tells the operator, "Somebody should go look in the dumpster behind Jake's Auto Repair. It's on Third Street. Go now!"
The Girardi kitchen. The members of the Misfit Posse are doing their chemistry homework at the table. Grace rhymes off some chemical formulae, adding, "Do not ask me what that is." Adam says, "Epsom salt." You know, I'm loath to criticize my boyfriend, but if his memory's so eidetic, how come he believes Joan's name is Jane? Grace says, "Great. Can we go?" as Luke comes into the kitchen. Joan complains, "It wasn't my idea to study on Saturday night." Luke overhears this and comments, "Wow. The classic geek misdirect. 'Gee, I'd like to hang out with you, but let's pretend to study instead.'" Grace and Joan turn and say to him in unison, "We're not hanging out!" Hee! Not in too much denial. Adam, perennially puzzled: "We're not?" Luke says he was going to go meet his friend Friedman at the homecoming game: "If you guys are done analyzing anions, you wanna come?" Hee. Another classic geek misdirect: he doesn't have the nerve to ask Grace out himself, so he invites the whole group. Grace: "Uh, I think I got better things to do than watch a bunch of cheerleaders flash their panties at uh, brain-dead jocks." Joan lies through her teeth, "Yeah, and um, me too. I have big party I have to go to, so..." Adam says in all sincerity, "I would go if Jane was going..." Joan gives him a little shake of the head. Adam looks sad, and he and Grace wander out. As Joan starts to leave, Luke says, "Oh, Jane...before you head out to that uh, 'big, big party,' Mom wants you to take out the recycling." He hands her a bottle and pats her on the head. They don't have very much stuff on their fridge for a household of five people. Note to set people: put more stuff on the fridge. Fun stuff. Weird stuff. We like that stuff. We notice that stuff. Well, some of us do. C'mon, humour me.
Joan takes the recycling box out to the container near the garbage, and as she's about to dump the stuff, she's startled half out of her wits by a grubby vagrant (played by HITG! Larry Hankin) who's lurking there. You probably know him best as Mr. Heckles, Monica's and Rachel's neighbour from Friends. He commands her, "Be not afraid, Joan." I don't know how she kept from screaming bloody murder; I would have. He adds, "Sorry, it's me." Joan, relieved and thoroughly annoyed, asks, "'Be not afraid'? What's with that?" Vagrant God explains, "Sometimes I like to sound old-timey." Aw. God's all schmoopy for the olden days. I hope God smites somebody soon. Vagrant God cuts to the chase, and tells her to try out for the cheerleading squad. Joan: "Do you realize you're asking me to commit social suicide? Not only will I suck -- which...which I will -- but everybody will decide I'm a pathetic fluffhead!" Vagrant God informs her that the tryouts are Monday, and then wanders off. Joan can't believe she's supposed to get this together by Monday. She calls after him, "Should I provide my own pompoms? I don't even know what the school mascot is!" Excellent casting choice for God. Hmm. Did they shorten the opening, or am I imagining things? Also, Frink thinks the vocals sound like Mary Steenburgen singing. I don't hear that at all. I assured him it's Joan Osbourne.
Will is gleefully preparing polenta for Sunday breakfast, and removing the pan from the oven and holding it aloft, he says to Luke, "Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Come on, cheese that baby up!" Luke dutifully grates cheese onto the food, but gripes, "Dad...seriously." I think they're listening to Bobby Darin. Will hustles Luke along, saying he's late on the polenta, and asks if Luke has the mushrooms. Luke says they're in the sink. Will: "You washed them?" Luke: "They're fungus. They grow in dirt." Hee! Ever since Frink and I were watching an episode of Iron Chef in which the featured food was mushrooms and the voice-over guy warned us against washing them by intoning, "Never let them take a bath," (pronouncing bath as "bawth") the subject of mushroom-cleaning cracks us up. The amusement comes in handy whenever I'm laboriously wiping mushrooms with paper towels. Will grips Luke's face gently in his potholdered hands, asking, "Have I taught you nothing?" Kevin's just entered the kitchen, and remarks to his father that it's not easy training "the new apprentice." Will tells Kevin to set the table. Kevin says he's just going to eat in front of the game.
Joan comes in, wondering who took her cell phone. Luke says, "Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you, that big, big party called last night..." Joan tells him to shut it, and asks if he took it. Her father tells her to sit down; they're eating in eight minutes. Kevin knocks a box of Cheerios down as he tries to get it out of the cupboard. Luke helps him clean it up. Joan says she's not hungry. Her father's not buying it. She says she ate last night. Her mother comes down in her nightclothes, carrying her phone: "Is this what you're looking for?" Joan asks where it was; her mother indicates Joan's bag. Will says he thought she was sleeping in today. Like she can sleep over all this racket. Luke says he'll eat later; he's meeting Friedman at the park. "We're going to try out my new Aerobie." When I first watched this, what I heard was "Arabi," as in ibn Arabi. That probably tells you a lot about me. I've never heard of an Aerobie before. I couldn't imagine what he and Friedman were planning to do with something named after a twelfth-century Sufi dude. I thought maybe it was a video game. Hey, I don't know! I'm bookish. Sue me. Kevin pleads, "Just say 'Frisbee'!" Luke sneers, "I meant 'pie plate with lame-ass drag!'" Okay, I guess I get it now. Helen: "Hey! Am I the only one noticing there's a meal about to be served here?" Will says, "Grazie, bella!" and kisses her. I like that they're letting Joe Mantegna bring the Italian. Helen lays down the law to Kevin, Luke, and Joan: "You can miss some of the game, the park will still be open in half an hour, and you are going to defy convention and be a girl who eats. Now everybody sit!" Will says he loves it when she does that. He's starting to serve food when his pager goes off. Helen: "No! What do they need you for on a Sunday?" Will shrugs.
We get an aerial shot of one of Arcadia's streets. Will meets up with Lieutenant Toni Williams, who's Daghlian's replacement. She says she wasn't sure whether this was the sort of thing her predecessor would have called him for. Will assures her it is. They look in the back of an ambulance, where paramedics are caring for a newborn baby girl. Williams says two officers found her wrapped in paper towels in the nearby dumpster. Will says whoever called 911 didn't want her to die. Williams says the caller knew enough to use a pay phone and not a cell phone. Will: "But not enough to drop a newborn off at a hospital."
Luke and his friend Friedman, who's basically a dweeb who seems to think he's both hotter and cooler than he actually is, are playing with the Aerobie. Friedman pleads with Luke to stop coaching him, and promptly flings it high up into a tree. Luke: "See? See? Superior lift. You're not going to get that with a Frisbee." Luke picks up a rock to try to knock it out of the tree, and Friedman advises him, "Use the force, Luke." Luke: "Gee...that's a, that's a new one." Friedman is distracted by a cute girl rollerblading nearby, and asks Luke if that's Jeannie Robertson. He says, not loud enough for her to hear, "Hello, J.Ro." Yeesh. I think I might be needing a macro for "Shut it, Friedman." She skates off, and Friedman complains to Luke that he didn't even look. There's no contest for Luke: "It's my new Aerobie." Friedman shakes his head and runs off to try to talk to "J.Ro." Luke keeps throwing rocks. He prefaces his attempt with some kind of quasi-martial arts arm gestures. Or maybe it's something from Star Wars -- I wouldn't know.
Monday morning. Joan walks to her locker and is starting to open it when some cheerleaderish girl, basically a Poor Man's Denise Richards (tm Gustave), suddenly turns a corner down the hall and appears to be waving to Joan. Joan is surprised, but waves back. But PMDR is actually looking at some other blonde chickie down the hall, and she gestures to a bunch of friends, who all come racing around the corner and toward Blondie with her, squealing and waving birthday presents and balloons in the school colours. They all flock around Blondie and wish her happy birthday. Joan just watches, slightly dejected. Some jock walks buy, and PMDR says, "Hey, Rex, it's Brianna's birthday!" So Blondie is Brianna, who squeals, "CeCe, shut up!" Rex keeps going. CeCe says, "Will you guys just get over it? You know you're perfect for each other!" Brianna: "You so don't get it!" Suddenly on the other side of Joan, Grace starts kicking the living snot out of her locker for no apparent reason. I mean, not that she really needs a reason. It's all good. Joan just raises her eyebrows. Grace keeps kicking and grunting. Frink: "This is so great." Joan looks back at the giggling gaggle, and then just makes a face to herself. Caught between a flock and a hard Grace.
AP Chem. Ms. Lischak is blathering on. ["I'd like to interject here that one of MS Word's suggested corrections for 'Lischak' is 'Fishcake.' Excellent. Okay, carry on." -- Sars] Joan's alone at the Misfit Posse desk. As Adam comes to his desk, one of the girls who sits in the row in front of them is gossiping to another one about the baby found in the dumpster: "And they don't even know if the baby will live. I mean, can you believe somebody can just throw away their baby like that?" Overhearing this, Adam leans over and says quietly, "My uncle flushed Siamese twin kittens down the toilet once." Are we talking about conjoined cats? Or Siamese cats? Or conjoined Siamese cats? Gossipy Girl, who's wearing a pink headband, makes a face. The camera drifts over to Luke and Friedman, whose third seatmate is no longer a guy, but a nerdy blond girl. Luke and Friedman are arguing. Luke: "And that's a positive for iodide." Friedman: "You did the chloride and the sodium iodide test?" Luke: "Are you questioning my methodology?" Nerdy Blonde: "Girls, girls...you're both pretty." Hee. Like her so far. Grace hustles past Luke's desk and bumps into something. I don't think anything breaks, and Luke just says, "Oh," in a mild way. Grace: "Oh darn -- now you won't get into Harvard." Luke smiles and says, "Hey." Boy, there isn't much that's as geeky as a geeky boy (excuse me, man of science) in a polo shirt buttoned to the neck, wearing an apron and safety glasses over his glasses. Somehow on Michael Welch it's pretty endearing. Grace doesn't say anything, just goes to her desk. Nerdy Blonde gives Luke a hopeful glance.
Gossipy Girl turns around and asks Joan if her father found the baby. Grace drops her head on the desk on exasperation. Joan says no. Gossipy Girl: "But he saw it. Was it all bloody?" Grace: "Will you shut up? She's not a police blotter." Gossipy Girl sneers: "Sor-reee! Didn't mean to bother your girlfriend." She turns around haughtily. Grace looks at Joan to see her reaction; Joan just gives Grace an apathetic glance. Back in Luke's group, Nerdy Blonde takes off her goggles and asks who wants a copy of the science fair application. It's not supposed to be available for weeks, but she "hacked in." Go, Blondie. She says excitedly that it looks like they're accepting partnerships this year. Luke asks when it is. I'm not sure I believe he doesn't know. Blondie and Friedman answer in unison: "First Friday in January." She says it will be a "total feeding frenzy," and asks Luke if he wants to partner with her. Luke hesitates, and she says, "I'm doing single-bubble sonoluminescence. It's the transformation of sonic waves into photons." Luke still hems and haws, so she adds, "I'm gonna need a pro." He asks if he can think about it. Obviously hurt, she says, "Sure. Yeah." She leaves to get the barium carbonate.
Grace gets up and walks to the Snooty McHeadband's place in front of her with a small beaker, saying, "This is sulfuric acid. If it reacts with your substance, that means it's baking soda." She pours it into a tube in front of Snooty. It fizzes and spills over while Snooty tsks and sighs. Grace: "Interesting how something corrosive can tell you what something's made of. Kind of like using 'gay' as an all-purpose insult." She goes back to her desk.
Friedman asks Luke, "Are you insane? Glenys Figliola wants to turn sound into light with you." Luke says he might want to work alone. Friedman: "Dude." Luke reacts impatiently: "You keep saying that! What does that mean?" Friedman says, "Nothing, man."
Grace gets back into her seat, and Joan says, "You're, like, my hero." Grace stares at her hands and says, "It's the one advantage to being universally despised. You get to say whatever you want." Adam adds, "Unchallenged."
Blue and grey tones, so we're at the police station. Lt. Williams is telling Will that they couldn't get any prints from the book bag, but the baby was wrapped in the kind of commercial paper towels you find in public spaces. Will: "Well, that narrows it down." They look at an onscreen map of the area where the baby was found, and Will remarks that the baby was found within a mile of two safe havens. Will asks, "Why not deposit the child there? What's wrong with this country? What use is the safe haven law when babies keep showing up in the garbage?" Williams says that most mothers who abandon their babies are young girls, so either they're not familiar with the safe haven laws or, more likely, they're in deep denial: "It's not just a coping mechanism. It's clinical denial." Will doesn't say anything. Williams tells him she was trying to impress him with her psychological insight. He kind of chuckles and acknowledges her comments, adding, "Young girls...a book bag...institutional paper towels...what's that add up to?" Williams: "High school." They ask which one is closest, and Williams says it's Arcadia High: "But the birth happened on a Saturday night, so unless she broke into the school..." Will says there was a homecoming game on Saturday night. Williams says she'll get a unit out there. As she's leaving, she asks, "You have a kid at Arcadia, don't you, Chief?" Will: "Yeah, I do." Both Frink and I thought it was weird that he didn't say something along the lines of, "Two, actually." ["I thought the same thing." -- Sars] Will looks at the screen thoughtfully.
Outside the school, Joan walks up to a table where CeCe and Brianna are taking applications for cheerleader tryouts. CeCe asks Joan what she thinks most qualifies her to be a cheerleader. Joan hesitates and then offers, "Uh...I saw Bring It On." CeCe's all, "Oh my God, Bring It On is, like, The Matrix of cheerleader films!" Another applicant standing to Joan says, "Those basket tosses were phenomenal." Grace happens to walk behind the table at this point and notices Joan standing there while all the girls are oozing with admiration for the film. Brianna: "Didn't you love Sparky Polastri? He was my favourite!" They all giggle and bond while Joan just stands there. CeCe goes on to explain, "So, following tryouts, you get an overall spirit score, based on appearance, personality, cheer and pom skills, tumbling and stunts. If you get twenty-five or higher, you come back tomorrow for finals. Okay?" During this, Joan looks up and sees Grace staring at her. Joan wonders, "And...what if I'm really...bad?" CeCe tells her not to worry, that they really need girls for the squad, since she and Brianna have been sidelined for poor grades. Then how come they're still running the tryouts? CeCe assures Joan she's going to do great, and slaps a team button or something on her. Joan glances at Grace again, who's got a look on her face like she's just been offered a big slice of maggot pie. She turns and walks away. Joan watches her go.
Helen's answering a call outside the principal's office: "Yeah, number one, Andrea, work on your mother's voice before you try it out on me, and two, don't use a disease you can only get on a pirate ship." Heh. Her co-worker is peering through the window to the principal's office where Will and Lt. Williams are talking to Principal Hotness. I don't know his name, but he's pretty fine. ["Fun fact: The actor who plays him is 28 years old. No, seriously." -- Sars] Her co-worker, whose name I also do not know, asks Helen what makes them so sure it was one of their students who abandoned the baby. Helen says the cleaning crew found a lot of blood in one of the girls' washrooms. And...what? They just thought it was something out of Carrie? Vice-Principal Price (do you have any idea how hard it is after four years of covering The West Wing to type "Vice-Principal" and not "Vice-President?") comes out of his office and asks Helen to make copies of a paper he's handing her, and to bring it in to him. He heads for the principal's office.
Cheerleader tryouts. CeCe thanks everyone for bringing their "Eagle spirits" to tryouts, despite the difficult day they've all had pursuant to the "disturbing dumpster baby news." Brianna: "Let's pop those herkies!" What? I so have no idea what that means. All right, I looked it up. It's some kind of splits. Still, popping herkies sounds like either drug slang, or something your chiropractor wouldn't approve of. They start going through a routine. Joan is hopelessly out of step and uncoordinated. At the end of a very short cheer, she stumbles and sort of wrenches her ankle, hollering, "Aw, crap!" She gets her balance, assures everyone she's okay, and then tries to assume the final position everyone else is holding, saying quietly, thirty seconds too late, "Eagles!"
Back in the principal's office, Price enters as the cops are telling Principal Hotness (whose name is actually Chadwick) that they'd like to interview students, faculty, and the school nurse. The principal seems reluctant; Will says he'd like to do this in a spirit of cooperation. Chadwick tells him not to expect confidential information about students. He's worried about rumours further traumatizing the student body. Price interrupts just as Helen arrives with his document. He says she has a list he's drawn up, which he thinks "will help [them] get through this with a minimum of distraction." Price indicates that she should hand out the copies, but Helen explains she didn't make any: "I'm sorry, but I really don't think you oughta be profiling girls in this way." Will: "Helen..." Principal Chadwick: "Mrs. Girardi..." She continues, "I know I'm just a wife and a glorified secretary here, but I'm also a parent, and if you are just gonna round up a bunch of girls you think are bad --" Price interrupts to say that it's not a list of "bad" girls, but "at-risk" ones who "haven't connected socially." Helen points out, "The only reason you didn't put my own daughter on this list is because her father is Chief of Police. This is a list of girls that don't conform to his idea of the perfect young lady!" Price says the list reflects his "extensive experience" with these students. Helen says that in that case she doesn't think he knows these kids very well. He thinks he knows which ones are at risk. Helen: "Every kid is at risk -- not just the ones who dress like it! And how about talking to some boys?" Will finally says, "That's enough, Helen." She looks surprised that he's the one shutting her down. Will tells Principal Chadwick that a life is on the line; the mother lost a lot of blood and is susceptible to infection. Price adds a comment about the psychological damage. Will suggests having a small, diverse group of students come to the station to listen to the 911 call and see if they can identify the voice. Chadwick agrees. Helen gives Will a dirty look as she leaves. Yeah, should be a fun time at dinner tonight.
Back at the tryouts, they're doing this thing where one cheerleader climbs up onto the hands of another three cheerleaders, gets tossed in the air, and caught on the way down. Is that a basket toss? Probably. Poor Joan looks terrified. She was less scared when Vagrant God surprised her by the garbage. CeCe tells Joan to go, and she hesitates before running forward and climbing onto the other girls' hands. Before they can throw her, she gets right off again and says, "I can't because, um...my brother tried this with me once in the pool and I just, I have trust issues." Brianna looks annoyed and blows her whistle. Joan looks slightly humiliated, but breathes a sigh of relief.
Lt. Williams is playing the tape for Helen and her co-worker. Her co-worker thinks it might be the new English teacher. Helen can't see why it would be her. Helen doesn't know who it is, either.
Brianna announces that the last category is "originality," and each girl has to make up a short, original Eagle cheer: "Nothing fancy, as long as you bring it, okay?" Then we see a bunch of girls in succession doing weak and/or clumsy little moves. Well, one girl isn't too bad. One forgets to hold on to her pompoms. Brianna and CeCe laugh at some of them, but not in the unkind or snotty way you'd expect TV cheerleaders to do. None of the girls is saying any cheers, though. One graceless girl in a blue T-shirt and baggy bright yellow sweat pants (and matching yellow wrist bands) finally comes out and gawks her way through "Eagles are great / So don't hesitate / To...win! Yay!" Brianna and CeCe are definitely not impressed. Frink: "It's like the early phases of American Idol." Finally it's Joan's turn. She just kind of stands there in her dark T-shirt and track pants, punctuating her cheer with various little gestures: "Well, I can't do any stunts. No, no." (Shakes finger.) "And how about the jumps?" (Does a weak jump.) "So-so. So why am here? Well, it's really odd. But I'm here to cheer on a mission from --" (Thinks fast.) "God! So put me in the game or leave me on the bench, so you get into heaven and I'll get out of French!" She concludes with another little jump, and one of the closing poses with one hand on her hip and the other in the air. Brianna and Cece rush to the front, and kinda shoo Joan away. Cece: "Way to bring the spirit in our time of trouble!" Brianna calls the names of the girls invited back for final tryouts on Thursday. She struggles a bit with the name "Cheryl Hamada." She calls Joan , and says quietly to Joan, "That was so Sparky Polastri. You = hilarious." Joan laughs politely and shrugs to herself as Brianna zips off to call more names.
In the hallway, she catches up to Grace and Adam and asks if they're going to chemistry. Grace asks, "Do you have Multiple Personality Disorder? Is that what this is?" Joan doesn't know what Grace is talking about; Grace insists she does. Joan figures it's about her trying out for the cheerleading team: "Big deal." Grace says, "Sell out as hard as you can, I don't care. Just don't expect to go mainstream and hang out in the backwater." Joan: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to run my life according to your social code." Adam asks, in a very pleasant, fairly neutral way, "You're trying out to be a cheerleader?" One of the many things I like about Adam is that he's able to be friends and hang out with two girls with such strong personalities, and just be comfortable and quiet in their presence. Unlike most teenage boys I knew, even the shyest, quietest ones, he's not too threatened by them, and he doesn't have to dominate the conversation or contribute some remark to every single line of discussion just to get attention or remind everybody he's there. He's patient with them, and content to be in their company, and not in that "no one else will have me" kind of way. If Joan doesn't see how great he is soon, my head might explode. Okay, as long as she figures it out sometime this season, I can probably live with it. Don't make me come to Hollywood and start kicking ass. I hate to fly, and I've got all kinds of other crap to do. Anyway, at this point some frumpy substitute asks where a particular classroom is, and Grace directs her. She and Adam walk off, and Frumpy Teacher says, "Thank you, young man!" Joan remains, and Frumpy Teacher, who's carrying Styrofoam models of the universe and a molecule (do subs have to bring their own visual aids? I guess so; it seems, in these days of gutted public education funding, teachers and students and parents have to provide things that used to be standard issue, like textbooks and desks), says to Joan, "Don't skip chemistry." You know, I think if nothing else, Joan might end up really paranoid as a result of all this divine intervention. It's making me paranoid, and God ain't said squat to me lately. And frankly, I could use some guidance on what colour to paint my new living room. Yes, I'm still struggling with it! It's a different house. Same weird-coloured furniture, though. How I rue the day I picked that colour for the furniture. Oh, and I probably have some more important stuff God could weigh in on, too: conversion issues, apostasy, free will vs. predetermination, the afterlife, et cetera. Still, it's the paint that's driving me really nuts.
At the police station, Will confronts DA Fellowes, who's talking to a detective: "We haven't even found the girl, and you've laid attempted murder charges?" Fellowes says he has to take a stand: "In this town, justice reacts swiftly when a child's life is in danger." Will says the mother is very likely a child herself, and reminds Fellowes that he (Fellowes) was a huge supporter of the safe haven law, which was supposed to protect the kind of person who did this. Fellowes says the law was meant to protect the baby, not the mother. Guh? That's not my understanding. I thought it was for both of them. Fellowes pontificates about how they've given these women a chance to abandon their babies safely, and if they still insist on leaving them to die, well, he apparently has no quarter whatsoever for them. Will points out she called 911. Fellowes: "That's the difference between you and me, Will. I don't have sympathy for a baby killer. I don't think a jury will either." Will reminds him that the baby isn't dead. Man, I hope somebody punches this smug bastard DA in the breadbasket soon. Fellowes says: "Look at it this way: the girls at Arcadia High School who didn't know about the safe haven law before...they sure as hell know about it now. You should be behind this. Your daughter attends Arcadia High, doesn't she?"
AP Chem. Ms. Lischak wanders about the room, twirling her pointer thingy and saying, "Please turn in your completed equations, along with your group's lab notes, and pick up your pre-lab for tomorrow." She approaches Grace's desk and slaps her pointer down on Grace's desk, asking what she's working on. Grace says, "My lab notes. I thought they needed some sprucing." Ms. Lischak says it's too late, and that sprucing will cost them a letter grade. I don't think I get what happened here. Joan bitches Grace out for costing them lab credit. Grace: "Well, what can I say? I guess I'm not a team player." Joan: "Did it ever occur to you that some of us might want to try and succeed?" Grace: "Can you say that with pompoms?" Joan just narrows her eyes at Grace. Adam says, "I'm gonna miss you, Jane." Joan just looks at him.
Over at the nerds' desk, Luke and Friedman are talking about barium precipitate carbonate. Glenys seems to be absent. Luke asks where she is. Friedman: "Oh, gee, I don't know -- recovering from the Girardi smackdown?" Luke said he only asked if he could think about it. Friedman says that's like saying he'd go with her to the prom unless he gets a better offer: "That ship has sailed, my friend. So if you want a partner, you know, I might be able to be convinced." Luke's under the impression that the science fair isn't for months. Friedman thinks that's barely enough time to compile data. Glancing at Grace, he says, "Unless, of course, you and Avril LeGrace over there want to try to get electricity from a potato." Luke blurts out fiercely, "You know, Grace Polk is a lot smarter than people think!" Of course, it comes out a little louder than he intended at a point when the room just happens to get quieter, so everyone hears it and looks. Luke glances over to see if Grace heard. She did, and has an unusually neutral expression on her face.
Friedman says to Luke, "I knew it. Hot for a lesbo. That's the final indicator." Of what? Being a straight male with an incredibly common fetish? Luke argues, "Who said anything about 'hot'? We're -- we're talking about science!" Friedman, with his voice all quavery like he just found out Birds of Prey was cancelled or something: "Just skip the denial, okay? You like a dyke, which means you just tested positive for the presence of gay!" What? Which is also Luke's response. Friedman moves over into Glenys's seat, saying, "I thought I knew you, man." If he were kidding, this might almost be funny, but he's not. He's really that incredibly stupid. The boy needs a stupidectomy, stat. Luke just looks pissed and confused in Friedman's direction; Friedman holds up his hand in a "don't even" gesture. God, what a dumb-ass.
Joan's walking down the stairs toward her locker when Frumpy God starts hollering her name down the hall. Joan gets right zippy when she sees the scene God's willing to make. She whispers fiercely, "Could you keep it on the down low? It's kind of crowded in here!" Frumpy God admonishes her, "I asked you to try out for cheerleaders, not turn on your friends." Joan: "A, what friends, and B, isn't there some baby in a dumpster you could be saving instead of making me practice herkies?" She replies, "I work in mysterious ways. So do you." Suddenly Price is behind Frumpy God asking to see her visitor's pass. Frumpy God: "Happily, if I had one." Price says he's going to need to escort her off the premises. Frumpy God says she didn't get his name. He proudly tells her, and adds, "I didn't get your name." She doesn't say her name, but explains she's subbing for Ms. Fowler's music class, and Mr. White's general science class, and for one of the librarians. Dude. That's a lot of staff out sick for one day. She adds that this exceeds union maximums: "A violation I was willing to overlook until you took that tone with me." Joan makes a little "uh-oh" face to herself. Price chuckles nervously and says, "Then I hope you'll excuse me." He has no idea who he's dealing with. She says, "As union representative of the Local 340, I don't think I can do that...Gavin." Joan stands there smirking. The bell rings, and Price asks her, "Don't you have a class to go to?" Joan gathers her wits and heads for class. Price hightails it outta there too, leaving Frumpy God smiling to herself.
Will's sitting on the bed, reading, when Helen comes in to put away some clean laundry. She pointedly avoids looking at him. Boy, it's frosty in here. Will might need something more than that T-shirt. He asks if they can skip to the part where they start talking again. She says he clearly doesn't need her input, and asks, "Do you have any idea what it felt like having you shut me down like that in front of all those people today?" Will wants to know what he was supposed to do when his wife comes to a meeting uninvited and offers her unsolicited opinion on police business. Helen: "And what if I hadn't? There'd be a list of 'bad girls' circulating around the school!" Will says they never would have let that out. Man, he's awfully naïve for a cop. Helen agrees: "The CIA couldn't keep a list like that from getting out in a high school!" Will wonders, "If there are no secrets, then why hasn't anyone identified the mother of that baby?" Helen replies, "Because kids this age are completely self-involved. They hardly notice anything that doesn't directly concern them. They're not psychopaths; they're adolescents!" Well. Most of them, maybe. Some of them are definitely psychopaths. Will asks, "What about the adults? What's their excuse?" Helen says, "Same thing, basically. We're all so invested in the idea that this only happens to other people's kids that we hardly see what's right in front of our eyes." Will: "You're talking like we're the blind ones. Is there something I'm not seeing?" I think they've both started to worry that it could have been Joan, what with all her weird behaviour lately, the cause of which remains a mystery to them. Helen doesn't know; she confesses that when Lt. Williams played the 911 tape for her today, during the long pause before the caller started speaking, she kept thinking, "What if it's Joan?" Will moves closer to Helen on the bed and insists, "That...could never have been Joan. We're not that blind. We know what's going on with our daughter." Helen looks less convinced. At that moment, we hear the thump of some music start up, and Helen goes down the hall and opens Joan's door. Without knocking. That has to be in the top five of parental crimes against adolescents. When she opens it, Joan's back is to the door and she's practicing cheers with some pompoms. What's weird is that she's wearing headphones, but the music is obviously playing in the room. She turns a bit and catches sight of her mother standing there, dumsquizzled. She takes her headphones off and asks with a bit of a sneer, "What?" Helen doesn't say anything but just closes the door.
The morning, Helen and Will are discussing the investigation when Luke comes down to the kitchen and overhears them. He asks if they're talking about "the dumpster baby." Helen pleads for a "little sensitivity." Will says a few students are coming down to the station for questioning, and asks Luke if there's anything he wants to tell him. Kevin wheels in and says cheerfully, "Ratting kids out over breakfast. That'll make you popular." Joan arrives, asking once again about who took her phone. Luke: "See? She's the one with communication devices. Ask her." Joan: "Ask me what?" Kevin: "Which girl at school got knocked up and left her baby in a dumpster." Helen admonishes Kevin. Joan asks what makes them think she knows who it is. Will says they're not saying that. Helen: "But if you heard anything at school..." Luke, ever the logician, asks, "Shouldn't there have been some sort of visual clue?" Kevin: "Not if she's a fat chick." Well, give that gimp a sensitivity award. Helen wonders, "Who are you people?" Anyway, it's not necessarily the case that she would have been showing. Many girls have been able to hide their pregnancies. I knew a girl in high school who actually lost weight overall during her pregnancy. Also, even when a girl is obviously pregnant, some people are still pretty clueless. I remember a conversation with my first boyfriend in high school. He said, "[Girl] is getting kinda fat." I just looked at him like he had confessed to loving REO Speedwagon and said, "Are you serious? She's pregnant." He had no idea. Neither, apparently, did any of his male buddies (at least four of whom were named Dave. Not that has anything to do with anything, but it was always weird trying to hang around so many people with the same name). Every girl I knew, though, definitely knew about this girl's pregnancy.
Anyway, Will says sometimes girls can conceal a pregnancy. Joan says everyone in high school is hiding something. Helen: "That much is clear." Joan: "Meaning what?" Helen says Joan knows what she's talking about. Joan: "Oh, I don't tell you about cheerleading, therefore I must be pregnant?" Then everyone's in on the act. Luke, through a mouthful of cereal: "Cheerleading?" Kevin: "Who's pregnant?" Helen assures them no one's pregnant. She looks at Joan: "Right?" Joan: "Mom!" Kevin: "Is Joan having sex?" Will nearly swallows his tongue. Joan makes loud sounds of exasperation as her father asks that they abandon this line of questioning. Joan says to her mother, "This is why I don't tell you anything!" She huffs out of the room. As she storms off and slams a door somewhere, everyone is quiet for a moment. Luke then asks, "Does anybody ever wonder if I'm having sex?" Hee! His mother just gives a vaguely indulgent smile and lifts her eyebrows. Kevin and Will glance at Luke, chewing in silence. Somebody better start paying attention to this kid, or he's going to be acting out like nobody's business. Joan's phone rings, and Helen finds it and turns it off.
At school, CeCe and Brianna are hanging out, and some jock named Taylor is trying to kiss CeCe while she's putting on makeup. She shoos him away. Joan wanders past and says hi to them. They greet her warmly. Brianna says, "What's up, Sparky?" CeCe says, "Cute top!" Joan feels comfortable enough to walk over to them. CeCe tells her they're making a list of the top ten baby-dumping suspects as she hands Joan her compact, which Joan accepts, puzzled. Joan wears makeup, but she doesn't seem obsessed with checking it and reapplying it all the time. CeCe: "How about Madame Marx?" Joan: "Oh, she'd only dump her baby if it wasn't chic enough. 'Mais, qu'est-ce que c'est? C'est gauche bébé! Au revoir!'" Joan makes a tossing motion. CeCe laughs, and adds, "Oh my God, do you know who seriously could have done it? Grace Polk." Brianna agrees: "She's definitely a skank. But is she the right kind of skank?" Joan says, "It couldn't have been Grace, 'cause she's not fat." Brianna and CeCe look at each other doubtfully. Joan quickly adds, "Enough." Grace isn't fat at all, and neither's Joan. If anything, Grace looks thinner than Joan to me. Whatever. The bell rings, and Brianna and CeCe scramble off, inviting Joan to get smoothies with them during eighth period. Joan waves goodbye to them, and then Grace and Adam walk slowly past her toward the school, staring at her as they go. Joan just turns away and looks somewhat dismayed.
Inside the school, Grace barrels down some stairs and sees Luke at his locker. She calls out, "Hey, geek!" He has a sticker on his locker that says "BETTER BRAINS." Luke, who I thought would be thrilled to have Grace talking to him, instead is obviously too weirded out by Friedman's comments, and says, "Sorry, I can't be late for homeroom." Grace: "Okay, that's pathetic." As Luke keeps struggling with all his crap, Grace says, "Listen, I normally couldn't care less, but I think your sister needs, like, an intervention or something." Luke says his teacher counts on him to take attendance. Wow, his dweeb quotient just shot way up. Grace demands: "Is she a pod person now? Because she's, like, meeting people for smoothies." Luke closes his locker and walks along with Grace, trying to explain: "The thing is, Joan's a girl. And -- and girls do stuff like go get smoothies. Well, not all girls...just girls that are --" He sees that this explanation is not cutting much ice with Grace and he beats a hasty retreat. Grace looks annoyed but not surprised.
Joan, Brianna, and CeCe emerge from the smoothie shop yattering about cheerleading practice. They pass some guy on the street in a giant foam hot dog costume, handing out flyers. As they pass behind them, the guy says, "That doesn't look like World History, Joan." Joan stops and says, "Crap." She tells the girls to go on ahead of her; she thinks she left her phone in the shop. They leave, and Joan turns to Hot Dog God and asks, "Why are you hounding me? I'm doing the whole cheer thing. Isn't that what you wanted?" Hot Dog God: "Cute, how you think I want you to skip World History." Yeah, Joan. If there's one thing this God's into, it's your scholastic achievement. I can't wait to see Joan decide to deliberately disobey God, just to see what happens, or to turn her back completely. Or for God to tell her to do something really questionable, just to see what she does. I know it's coming. Hot Dog God tells her to help him hand out flyers. Joan explains, "Look, Brianna and CeCe don't just ask everybody to do these...pre-tryout...smoothies." Oy, Joan, if you could hear yourself. Hot Dog God: "What is it with you people? I give you very simple instructions, and boom, you're right back to false gods." Heh. So we have short attention spans. Shouldn't you have foreseen that? Joan's getting riled: "What are you talking about? I'm making friends!" Hot Dog God says she has friends. Joan: "Okay. Different friends, okay?" Hot Dog God says she means she's trying to be popular. Joan thinks it's the same difference. Hot Dog God replies, "Not exactly. Don't miss any more World History. You're just in time for the Crusades." Joan sneers, "Oh, okay, okay, like it's really good for me to hear about people butchering each other for a hundred years just because they believed in you!" Hot Dog God's parting shot: "That's not about faith; that's politics. It's sort of like the difference between friendship and popularity." He takes off. In her confusion, Joan continues handing out the flyers.
Helen's typing away at work, when she hears Joan's phone ringing in her bag beside her. Why is it in her bag? I don't know. Maybe she brought it to school meaning to give it to Joan when she saw her. She answers it, and hears, "It's Brianna! I know you found your phone, so get your butt over here before practice is over!" Helen doesn't say anything. Brianna says, "Joan?" Helen quickly hangs up. She recognizes Brianna's voice as the one on the tape -- which, to the viewer, was really obviously Brianna's voice all along. I didn't say so earlier in the recap for the sake of people who missed the show, but I thought so the first time I heard it in the birthday scene. The thing is, if she had better disguised her voice, then they would have had to figure out another way for her to be discovered. Which I suppose they could have done, but I can live with this.
Lt. Williams returns to the police station and reports to Will on the results of interviewing the students: "Let's see...Debbie Branson totally flirts with the gym teacher, Tanya Davis's whole honour society act isn't fooling anyone, and my personal favourite, 'It's probably one of those feministic girls.'" Hee. Okay, I liked Erik Palladino and he was cute and all, but this one can stay. Will asks, "You think they're protecting anyone?" Williams: "Honestly, no. And that's what freaks me out. This tragedy in their school is just a source of gossip." Will regurgitates his wife's theories about adolescent self-involvement. Just then, Helen calls -- to speak to Lt. Williams. She seems puzzled as she takes the call.
Joan's at cheerleading practice in the gym when suddenly Price and Williams barrel in, with Helen trailing them. He marches up to Brianna and says, "Miss Matthews, would you come with us, please?" Brianna looks surprised; CeCe looks shocked. Brianna walks out with them in silence. Helen gives the girls a pained look. Joan looks at her mother, slightly shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders as if to ask what's going on. Helen just continues looking serious as she walks out. I get the feeling she thinks Joan must have known about this. Joan's figured it out, obviously. I can't really buy that they would all march in there like that. They could have called her to the office over the intercom. If they were worried that she's a flight risk (not likely, if you ask me), they could have posted someone right outside the gym. I realize this is more dramatic, but I just can't buy it.
Kevin's in his room, working on his laptop. Hey, he's not painting models! Suddenly Luke bombs in, wearing his bathrobe, and says, "Okay, so there's this moose, and the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk, and as such, should be running with a different herd." Kevin just looks mystified. I figure Luke's telling a joke. Kevin: "Uh-huh..." Luke continues, "Okay, but the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be pretty questionable evidence." Kevin: "Like his horns are kind of small?" Luke says it's more of a behavioural observation: "Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower, which, according to the first moose, is elk-like. But the second moose isn't so sure. I mean, he doesn't feel like an elk; he doesn't have elk thoughts. So does it make him an elk just because he likes this one flower?" Aw. He's comparing Grace to a flower. That's pretty cute. He puts his hand to his chin thoughtfully. Kevin: "Did you want to try a science metaphor?" Ha! Luke cuts to the chase: "Does it mean I'm gay if I like a lesbian?" Kevin asks who he's been talking to. Luke: "I'd rather leave the moose out of it." Kevin closes his laptop as he says no: "Liking a girl is liking a girl. And who says she's a lesbian?" Luke: "That would be the moose again." Kevin: "Right. You know, usually this kind of thing, you just know." Luke: "I know! But apparently there's [sic] all these indicators about me..." Kevin says, "Here's your only indicator -- you ready? When you're alone...just kind of..." He hunts around for an appropriate euphemism: "Passing the time...what do you like to think about?" Luke: "How to get past Level 5 on Diablo...that kind of thing?" Kevin: "No...I mean...okay, when you're in the shower..." Finally Luke cottons to Kevin's meaning and says, "Oh! Right. Well, sometimes I think about Condoleeza Rice." Snerk. Kevin squints at Luke a bit. Luke: "I mean, her influence is second only to Kissinger." Kevin looks away, like that wasn't quite the right answer. Luke adds, "Um...then there's Sigourney Weaver in Alien..." Professor Frink: "Yeah." Luke: "...Christina Ricci, Batgirl..." Kevin: "Okay, stop. See? That's all you need to know." Luke: "So, I'm definitely a...moose?" He adds a little macho emphasis to the last word. Kevin opens up his laptop again as he warns his brother, "Don't ever make me walk you through this again. Okay?" Luke runs happily out of the room. I'm really enjoying the sibling relationships on this show. They're loving, but not saccharine, and they seem to have hit on a reasonably convincing mixture of concern for/indifference to/irritation with each other.
Joan's sitting on the floor in the living room or family room or whatever, working on the words for the cheer for the final tryouts. She's sitting there whispering phrases to herself and scribbling in her notebook when her father's walking through another part of the house and comes over to ask, "How could you not tell me about this Brianna girl when I asked you straight out?" Man, there are a couple of goofy-looking coloured glass tchotchkes on the table in the foreground. What the hell are those? Those don't seem like their style. Joan doesn't know what he's talking about. He asks, "Is it so important to be liked that you would protect someone who did this?" Joan says she didn't protect anyone, and stands up, saying, "God! I can't believe you." Will says he understands about wanting friends. Joan insists that has nothing to do with it, and nobody knew. Will: "How could you not know? How could all these people in her life be so blind?" Joan: "So now it's my fault?" Will says he's not saying that. She insists that if she knew anything, she would have told him. Will continues, "Every day I see people doing stupid, destructive things, and ruining their lives, all because nobody's watching out for them! I'm not going to just stand by --" Joan wants to know how she became the criminal. Will: "I'm just saying, I don't want you to get so wrapped up in these girls that you don't see --" Joan shouts back, "But I do see! I see all the same stuff you do, every day at school! The drugs and the sex and people breaking the law and ruining their lives! Only I'm not having sex, I'm not doing drugs, and I don't lie to my dad!" Well, she told him. They gaze at each other for a moment and then Joan takes off, upset.
Will goes into the bedroom where Helen's reading in bed. They have a very interesting and colourful bedspread. Kinda weird with their sheets and pillows, though, which seem to be mostly neutral colours. Will says, "I think I just alienated our daughter for good." Helen says not to be too hard on himself; she thinks that by being the "school snitch," she contributed to the situation too. Will sits on the bed and says, "She's facing stuff we never dreamed of. How's she gonna survive?" Helen says Joan's got a good dad. She puts her arms around him.
Luke and Joan are walking to school. Luke's playing with a yo-yo, and Joan looks bummed. Ahead them are some cheerleaders and jocks. Luke wonders, "Think they know?" Joan: "What, that Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably. They're gonna eat me alive." Luke: "I wouldn't worry. Probably anorexic, or at least vegetarian." Heh. As they walk past a parked vehicle, Joan notices Brianna sitting in the front seat. Joan tells her brother she'll catch up with him. She walks over to the car, where Brianna's sitting there trying to smile through tears. They say "hey" to each other quietly. Brianna explains that her father's inside getting the paperwork necessary so she can transfer to another school, which everyone thinks will be better. Joan asks, "Brianna...are you okay?" She replies, "You're the only one who's asked me that. You're the only one who's talked to me at all. CeCe and the others, they walked by like they didn't even see me. They did see me." She sniffles as her father gets back in the car. He tells her to say goodbye to her friend. As the car starts up, Joan puts her hand on Brianna's shoulder and says gently, "It's gonna be okay." You can tell Brianna wants to believe her, but doesn't. When the car drives away, CeCe walks up to Joan and says, "I guess you heard?" Joan says she did. CeCe: "And we were just making that stupid list yesterday? It's like, hello, I'm standing right here to number one." Joan is surprised to find that CeCe really didn't know. CeCe: "I mean, we all noticed that Brianna kinda porked out over the summer, but nobody thought she was like..." She makes that screwball gesture beside her head. CeCe: "Anyway, aren't you psyched for final tryouts?" She looks at Joan expectantly. Joan's surprised they're still having them. CeCe admits that it's a pain to run things all by herself without Brianna: "But you know I am up for the challenge." Joan: "I can see that." That can-do spirit is just what we need in these troubled times, you know?
Will comes into one of those interrogation rooms, where Fellowes seems to have just had a meeting. Will confronts him: "You dropped the case?" Fellowes doesn't even know what he's talking about at first, but manages to remember the case. Will: "What the hell are you doing?" Fellowes: "Attempted murder seems a bit harsh in light of her efforts to inform police about the baby's location. Not to mention her age." Will's familiar with the argument, having made it himself: "But I think it would be appropriate to charge her with a lesser offense, say, child endangerment, if only to get her the help she needs." The DA says, "Girardi, she's a mixed-up kid. Anybody can see that. What's the point of treating her like a criminal?" What happened to "In this town, justice reacts swiftly when a child's life is in danger"? What happened to "baby killer"? Will is speechless.
Final tryouts. There are a few kids in the audience, including one dweeb watching the girls' asses with binoculars. Grace is in the stands, as are Luke and Friedman. Luke moves down to the row behind Grace, as the kids in the stands chant a cheer along with one of the finalists. Well, Grace doesn't chant, of course. But Luke does. Interesting. I was never the "school spirit" type, myself. I'll pause here while you retrieve your jaw from the floor. You can see why I like Grace. I am Grace, just...more femme-y. Luke's managed to get himself arranged behind Grace without her noticing him, so when he casually says, "Hey," she turns around with surprise. She gives him a contemptuous look and says nothing, turning back around. Luke says he's kind of surprised to see her there. Grace says, "Maybe I'm an incurable optimist. Maybe I think there's still hope. Maybe I think that someone won't show up." Luke: "Why do you care? I mean, empirically speaking, you wouldn't care unless you were emotionally invested..." Grace gives him a look intended to make him think twice about pursuing this line of discussion. The clouds part and the sun breaks through as Luke suddenly realizes, "You like my sister." Grace says, "First, I don't like anyone." That's a reasonably plausible denial. "In her better moments, your sister didn't make me want to puke." You know, I think it would be really interesting if both Grace and Adam were interested in Joan, and even better if Joan were actually willing to consider either of them. Throw in Luke and it makes it all delightfully complicated. Bring it on! Anyway, speaking of which, it's Joan's turn.
She comes out in dark blue track pants, a yellow T-shirt, and a bright blue vest. They would have to pick blue and gold, my high school colours, for this show. Like every week doesn't already involve some excruciating flashback or another. Joan's hair is all pulled up into a high ponytail, and she looks about fourteen instead of sixteen. There's some rap lite music playing. She smiles adorably and starts her cheer, "Go, Eagles / Go, Eagles / Go, go, go Eagles..." Grace mutters to Luke, "In her better moments." Joan continues, "We live to cheer / We're so sincere / Unless you get in trouble -- then we're outta here / 'Cause it's such a royal pain when a friend gets arrested..." CeCe's horrified. Other students are pretty surprised. Joan continues, "How could I have known? How could I have guessed it? / It's not like she's my sister -- whoops, is that my beeper? / And even if she was, am I my sister's keeper? Sorry, gotta go, tryouts are today. Tell her we'll think of her every time we say / Go, Eagles / Go, Eagles / Go, go, go Eagles!" Grace has a tiny smile on her face, and Luke looks like he's pretty impressed. Joan drops her pompoms like dirty underwear as she concludes, "My name is Joan / This cheer is my own / So kiss my feathers, 'cause this bird has flown." She pulls her ponytail out as she mouths the words "Thank you" very sarcastically and leaves the room to a standing ovation. Well, in the stands, anyway. Grace actually says, "Woo!" The cheerleader types aren't too impressed. CeCe scowls and flounces out. Grace says to Luke, "Definitely a better moment." Friedman comes down to tell Luke, "Dude, your sister's, like, hot." Grace: "Dude...you're, like, an ass." Friedman's all "whatever" as Grace leaves. He asks Luke, "Listen...Diablo at Dave's...you in?" Luke can't make a decision right away, and Friedman takes off, leaving Luke in the stands.
Joan's at her locker as Adam comes racing around the corner to it, wearing one of his toques. He says he's glad he caught her, and presents her with a little sculpture, saying it's for good luck. He holds it out, almost afraid to breathe until he sees her reaction. He is the cutest thing. Joan: "Adam...what? Well, thank you, but I already tried out." Adam's crestfallen: "I missed it?" He bangs his head on a locker a couple of times: "No way, man..." Joan: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's okay...sorry. But thanks for the..." She holds up the little sculpture questioningly. He says, "It's a cheerleader!" Aw. It looks a lot like his other creations, except at the end of each "arm" there is a little collection of blue and yellow feathers. He explains, "You know, it's got little hairy things..." Joan asks, "Pompoms?" He confirms this. She smiles and says, "Cool." But he's all sad about missing the tryout and asks how it went. She says she's definitely not going to be a cheerleader. Adam: "Why not? They didn't like you?" The idea is unfathomable to him. Joan's pleasantly surprised: "Wow...I always thought you'd hate me if I was a cheerleader." Adam: "No way. Why?" Joan: "'Cause we're subdefectives...and it would be like deserting the army or something." Adam: "No, I don't care if you're a cheerleader or a sub-defective or whatever. I just like hanging out with you 'cause you're...Jane." She puts her hand on his wrist, where his arms are crossed, and says gently, "Joan." He can't hear anything, though, because the moment she touched him his brain melted down completely and oozed out of his ears. He looks at her hand and looks up, asking, "Uh, what?" She says never mind, and pats his wrist, saying, "Jane is good. We'll stick with Jane." He agrees: "Unchallenged." But he sorta stumbles over that one word, and starts to take off as Joan smiles to herself. Frink says in a sobby, Marcia Brady voice, "'I'm never going to wash this hand again!'" Hee. Adam walks down the hall, glancing after her as she holds up the little sculpture and studies it, smiling to herself. Man, he is so in love with her. And he is the cutest thing. Yes, I know already said that. Deal. Joan gently places the sculpture on a notebook in her locker.
Grace and Adam are sitting on the steps outside at school. Adam's writing in a notebook ("Dear Diary: I am SUCH a loser! I missed Jane's cheerleader thing. But it was still the best day ever...Jane touched my wrist...her skin is like an angel's..."). Grace is listening to something on earphones. Luke comes out behind them and, after hesitating a moment, walks up to Grace, who remains oblivious: "Would you do me the honour of applying with me as my partner for the 2004 Arcadia Science Fair?" Gee, Mr. Browning, maybe you better ask her father. Adam: "Yeah, sure." Hee. Grace sees Adam talking and pulls her earphones out. She looks at Adam, while Luke says, "Actually, I meant..." Grace asks, "Did you say something?" He stumbles out his request with a lot more syllables but less Emily Post. Grace: "Isn't that thing months from now?" Luke claims it will be a total feeding frenzy. Grace says she doesn't plan ahead: "Ask when it's closer." Adam takes note of this surprisingly non-hostile response. Luke: "So you're saying it's possible?" Grace: "In theory, if you stop acting like such a loser." Luke: "Okay. Awesome!" He takes off to go home and write in his diary. ("Dear Diary: If a flower works on a science fair project with a moose, is she still a flower?") Grace fidgets with her earphones as she watches Luke go. She notices Adam kind of looking at her and snipes, "What?" He manages not to register much of an expression.
Will is telling Helen about what the DA did as they cook dinner together. He tastes the sauce, telling her it needs more parsley. Helen adds parsley as she asks, "And you have no idea why he dropped the case?" Will: "Well, the girl's from a nice family, but not that nice. Just doesn't make any sense." Helen: "Hmm." Will asks her to explain that "hmm" just as Joan comes in saying that dinner smells good and she's starving. Her mother asks her how tryouts went. Joan says she decided she didn't want to be a cheerleader: "I can't stand those girls." Will: "That's it? Cheerleading's over?" Joan: "Yeah! It's a phase, Dad. Keep up." She sits at the kitchen table; he sits on the table and apologizing for jumping to conclusions last night: "You're a good kid." He kisses her forehead, adding, "I know that." Joan says he's allowed the occasional parental freak-out: "Besides, everyone thought it was really cool that you let Brianna off." They did? Even though no one would talk to her either? That seems odd. Will says he didn't do that. Helen tells her to wash up and call her brothers for dinner. She leaves, and Will asks his wife, "Cheerleading is a phase?" Helen says her motto is, "Accept the good stuff, and move on."
Kevin rolls in and starts mooching food. Helen shoos his hand away and asks him to set the table. He grabs some plates and wheels off to the dining room. As they toss salad, Helen tells Will that Brianna's boyfriend is Rex Doherty. Will: "So?" Helen spells it out: "Son of Councilman Max Doherty." It all makes sense to him now, but Will wonders why Helen never saw fit to mention that. Helen says nobody ever asked about the father. Hmm. Okay, point taken, but then again, who says he even knew? He wouldn't be the first guy who didn't know his girlfriend was pregnant. We see the family through the pass-through window to the dining room. You can't really make out what they're saying, because it's so quiet and there's music playing, but because I like y'all so much I'll transcribe the closed captioning. As Will brings out the pasta, he's saying "Mangia, mangia, mangia!" Someone -- one of the boys, I think -- complains about the purple lettuce, saying he hates it. Someone else says he doesn't, and someone else advises him to just take it out. Someone -- Joan, I think -- grouses, "Kevin, do you not know how to set a table?" The music is "I Saw" by Matt Nathanson: "And it's amazing / With the look in your eyes / Like you could save me / But you won't even try / And then you tell me again / How everything will be all right." Everything might be all right for the Girardis, but somehow I don't think that's true for Brianna -- or her baby.