Previously: They came. They drank. They singlehandedly destroyed the reputation of everyone from Jersey. And now they are all grown up and going to get drunk and sloppy off camera. Now, for their last days at the Shore, they're having a big bonfire and inviting all their friends and family. Ron has no idea what they need for this, because he's from New York and thinks a bonfire is four crackheads around a container. So Pauly and Vinny go shopping for wood. They make morning wood jokes, because they have literally never built a fire in their lives. This will be like early man trying to start a fire. Because they're buying such a big dolly cart full of wood, Vinny decides to walk it home instead of having to unload it a million times. Pauly follows in the car.
They get the beach all set up and start to make the essentials: Ron Ron Juice. They start their fire, then go home to get ready and head back to the beach. This beach is way too empty, which means they must have closed it down for this. Everyone's parents show up, as well as Vinny's Uncle Nino, Mike's siblings and "Pauly's guests," says Ron. I wonder why Pauly doesn't have a family. Roger and Jionni arrive. Roger has a giant bouquet and Jionni has a little bouquet. Vinny makes jokes about it, but Jionni handpicked those flowers from all of his neighbors' yards. He totally stole them for his baby mama, y'all. They play some football on the beach and Mike decides to take on Jionni in a battle, telling us all how fast and catlike he is. But Jionni wins. Snooki thinks it's super-hot. She says he's going to get "extra peepee time" for beating Mike at football. The fact that she calls it peepee time is disgusting.
Pauly tells Uncle Nino he and Vinny rode the skylift together, and Uncle Nino is happy to hear Pauly's going to be his niece. Sam talks to her parents about Ron, and then recaps for us all of the highs and lows that they've been through. She says they have an amazing connection that no one understands. And she tells her mom and dad that she and Ron are going to move in together. Her dad laughs. Ron tells his dad too, but his dad thinks he has his whole life ahead of him and should just enjoy it. Sam's dad seems to agree back in their conversation, because he tells her how bad their relationship was in the beginning. She asks him to drop it and hopes Ron and her dad can get along and everything will be okay.
Everyone leaves the bonfire and the roomies put the fire out -- a symbol of the end of their time here. The whole gang works the final shift at the Shore Store, and Danny tells them he's fighting back tears. "Tears of joy." Pauly says he's going to miss this job, because he loves Danny and is sick at pressing shirts! They tell Danny all the gross things they've done to his house and Danny says he'll miss everyone, but Mike drives him nuts. Danny yells across the store at Mike for not working hard enough, and Mike says he won't miss being yelled at. They all say goodbye, and Snooki says maybe Lorenzo will work at the Shore Store when he's old enough to work. Dream big, Mama.
Sam and Jenni go tanning and Paula's left some cakes with the blondes on duty and a note for Mike for his birthday. Jenni and Sam think Paula's crazy for giving Mike cake after he humiliated her. But they take the cakes home anyway. They get home with the cakes and give them to Mike. He can't believe they're from Paula. Vinny swipes the card, as Pauly says that Mike can do anything to that girl. Her card says that even though he can be a douche, she still loves him. JK. Vinny is wise enough to know her JK is not really a JK and he tells Mike he wouldn't eat that shit. Pauly says he wouldn't either, but he's going to. Ron says he doesn't think it's a good idea to have any cake given to him by a stranger or an ex-girlfriend he just shit on. Mike and Pauly chow down. Mike thinks it's a sweet gesture, "Besides, how are you going to poison the guy she wants to be with?"
Later, Pauly and Vinny decide to get Sam back for her prank of locking them on the deck for two minutes without them realizing it. So they take her bed, which is an air mattress apparently, to the deck. However, on the way up the stairs, Vinny pops a hole in the air mattress, which is an epic prank war fail. So they put it back in her bed and pretend they didn't touch it. They know Ron's going to be pissed. When Sam and Ron get back, Pauly tells Ron he looks tired and should get some rest. They see their bed is flat, so Ron starts the airpump, but it's not working. Ron says, "It's not getting harder, Sam." And Sam bounces on it, and says, "It's hard. It's hard." That's what she said. Ron is mad at Sam for pulling a prank on the guys in the first place. So Vinny thinks he might get off the hook, since Ron's mad at Sam. They bicker and fight and blame and yell as they try to fill the air mattress. Living together is going to go so well for them.
The day, Pauly tells Sam the prank went bad and they didn't mean for it to awry. She says it's not a big deal; it's a prank. She says she woke up today and wants to be over their fight. It's Mike's and Pauly's birthday and the Fourth of July, so she wants to enjoy this. Sam starts baking a cake and cookies, and Ron comes out and sits and glares with her. He interviews that she has no priorities for spending time baking instead of apologizing to him. He storms off, never talking to her. Cake's done and Pauly and Mike get to blow out the candles. Mike tells us their birthdays are one day apart and Pauly's middle name is Michael, and Mike's is Paul. That's pretty funny, actually. Pauly and Mike hug it out, as Mike tells us this birthday is extremely special for him not to be drinking or on painkillers. He says he's never had a sober birthday, and it feels pretty awesome.
Sam approaches Ron on the lower deck and asks what's up. He finally lets everything he's been holding in out and tells her she should have apologized. Vinny and Pauly get some popcorn, because it's been so long since they've had a Ron and Sam fight and they want to enjoy it. Inside the house, everyone can hear them fighting. Jenni just shakes her head. Ron mocks Sam for baking a cake and cookies. Deena comes out and asks what's up. Jenni: "Watching a movie." Pauly: "It's a drama." Ron threatens to break up with Sam and she starts crying. Inside, Vinny whispers, "How did our prank get them in a fight?" Uh, because Ron's an ass with an anger problem?
Sam asks how she can fix this and Ron says, "It's called sucking up your pride, being in love and apologizing." She asks him if she was supposed to order flowers and he says she should have apologizes instead of "baking a fucking cake!" Deena can't believe they are still fighting over the mattress. Close-up of some weird mannequin standing on the lower deck watching them. It has Pauly hair. Sam stands up for herself for a change and tells him it's not okay for him to blame her for the bed. She says that if someone messed with her stuff, she wouldn't blame him. She tells him she doesn't want to fight anymore, okay? He sulks, "All right." So she goes inside and tells him she loves him. She thinks their relationship is good now and doesn't want it to be like this. He follows her inside, apologizes and they tell each other they love each other and hug.
Last day. Everyone heads out to GTL. Vinny reminds us that during the first summer he never GTL'ed, but now he's learned how to turn on a tanning bed and it's become a way of life. Ron, Sam, Vinny and Mike go to the tanning salon. Only Mike goes in to a tanning bed, which gives the girls at the front desk the opportunity to whisper ask the others if they ate the cake. They said they didn't and the girl tells them that's good and they shouldn't (maybe she should have told Jenni and Sam this when they picked up the cake?). They ask why and the blondes show them a picture of some guy's balls sitting on the cake. Ron, always copying Pauly, says this is the best day of his life. Vinny thinks more happened to it, and that the frosting is not frosting.
In the car on the way home, they ask Mike if he ate the cake and he says he tasted it. They all say Pauly did too and got into it, right? Then they tell Mike about the picture they saw. Mike can't believe it, so they offer to go back and show him the picture. He's very confused since Paula "like, loves me." Ron is cracking up, and says it's funny to him because he didn't eat the cake. They head home and tell Pauly he doesn't want to know what they know. Then they tell him and he starts fast-talking about how that's the most fucked-up thing he's ever heard, and why would that girl do that to Mike since he's known her for four years. He suggests pissing on her car and Vinny says he wants to shit on her purse. "Give her a gooey Vuitton." Pauly manages a laugh. Then they fill Deena in, and she admits she had a piece of it. She's like, I haven't eaten cake at all and the one time I decide to splurge a little, this happens. She is no longer Team Paula. Mike asks Ron if he's sure Paula did this and Ron's all, "Yes, Bro." So Mike calls her to find out if she was involved.
When she answers, she's like, "Hello?" And then goes silent. And he knows right away she did it. He asks what she's up to today and she keeps saying, "Hello? Are you there?" He throws the phone and smashes it with his foot. When he gets to the other room, Pauly asks what happened. Mike: "Disconnection." Ron thinks Paula's the prank war champ and she doesn't even live in the house. Pauly screeches, "How could someone ruin a cake?!" You guys, his life is shattered by this. He'll never trust again. Poor baby. Mike just groans, clearly in shock that this happened. I'm thinking that's really it for Paula and Mike, though.
Between-commercials deleted scene, the final cut: Roger carries a giant barbecue upstairs to their deck, as all the guys are amazed. He's a mess, but they don't have any clothes that fit him in the house to replace the charcoal-covered T-shirt.
Last night. They all head up to the deck to hang out and remember all they've been through together. Vinny thinks it's bittersweet, because as much as they hate each other sometimes. They remember the first night when Nicole showed up and made out with everyone and was all, "Party's here!" She thinks she's grown up a lot from coming here at 21. She says she's the same person, just older. Then they reminisce about the guy punching Snooki in the face. They all can't even believe some guy would hit a girl. That's the first night they all really felt like they were a family. Vinny says it was the worst thing to see, but it did bring them all together. They remember Deena's first day, when she got all naked in front of Mike. She's like, "Oops. Oh well. What are you gonna do?" They even reminisce about Jenni and Pauly hooking up a little bit. Then how at bedtime, she was like, "I gotta call my boyfriend." She owns up to it, but she says that guy was a douche anyway, so she's glad it happened and that she met Roger. She says meeting him is another reason the Jersey Shore changed her life together.
Pauly says they'll never forget this place, because they've all been through so much. Vinny says no one else can understand what they've gone through together. They all say they're family and no one else can share their bond or memories. Sadly, some of us have to also live with the memories, since we watched six seasons of this. Thankfully, we don't have to share the bond.
Final morning, Pauly wakes everyone up by banging on a pot for the final time. He says he's getting too old for it, but he really loves it. Mike and Jenni cook up breakfast and Mike says he'll miss cooking for them. Mike gets teary as he says this is so sad, because they've been through so much that no one will ever understand. At the table, they tell each other they're the best friends they've ever had and Pauly jokes they're the biggest dysfunctional family he's ever had. Snooki says it's not really hitting her that they're not going to ever have breakfast or sit at this table or be in this house together. Vinny remembers coming to the house and wondering how he'd live with all these crazy tanned, muscle-bound, chap-sticked Guidos. But now he's walking away with best friends who are exactly those people.
They all pack up, for the last time. Pauly reminds Vinny he thought Pauly was a tool when they met and Vinny admits it. Pauly: "Don't judge a book by its blowout." Yeah, I'd have never read Middlesex if I'd done that. Pauly interviews "Yeah, buddy!" He says he'll never be the same after this house and then he laughs hard, and says he doesn't cry; he just laughs. Deena interviews and cries about how rough this summer has been, but how much she loves these guys. Ron interviews without a hint of tears that this was one chapter of his life and he's about to open another. They group hug in the street, and then Nicole starts crying, which makes everyone else cry. Mike won't admit it, but he's also totally crying. Ron's like, "He has a heart. Holy shit." Jenni cries a ton and interviews that she thought coming here was the biggest mistake of her life, but now her life is perfect because of it. They all get into their cars and head home, as we get a final shot of them in their little diary room. Pauly talks to Seaside on his way out of town. We get a final shot of the broken duck phone and then Danny hangs up a For Rent side on the house. We end with an "In Memoriam" of the duck phone. 2009-2012.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, admits it: She'll miss the duck phone. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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