Previously: Awkward baby shower! Jenni thinks Jionni's not around enough, and the guys tell him that's because Snooki says it. And that's pretty much all that matters. (As if any of this matters.)
Morning at the Shore House. Ron's eating something in the kitchen when Jenni calls Roger. He starts out by saying he doesn't want to fight and this isn't their issue, but Jionni hit him up and told him all the boys are pointing the finger at her for raising the issue of Jionni never being around. Which, first of all, isn't totally true. I mean, Ron was saying it too. And, second of all, I really did think they were telling Jionni that Snooki was saying it, not Jenni, but I must have misunderstood. Jenni's immediately pissed at Jionni, and then realizes she's pissed at the guys, so she calls Mike over and asks if they said she's been stirring the pot. Mike says that they said she got him kind of good at dinner, and she acknowledges that, so they fist-bump. Well, that was easy for the boys. Roger tells her to call Jionni and get to the bottom of it. They say they love each other, and she gets off the phone.
Jenni, who's not a total idiot, decides to talk to the guys in the house before calling Jionni and chewing his ass. So she asks them all if the four of them told Jionni she was talking shit about him. They all stick together, and say what Mike said. Then Jenni calls Jionni, and says, "Now let's hear this version." Jionni basically says exactly what the guys said, which is that she called Jionni out at the dinner. Jionni says they never see him, and were assuming the worst, but apparently he's been around a lot more than they thought. So then they tell each other they love each other, and it's over.
Wow, that was so intense.
Vinny asks who wants to take a ballroom dance class with him, and it somehow turns to Mike saying that he ended up stripping through college. He insists he wouldn't have stripped for a guy even if he paid him. They all want him to strip for them, then. He resists their pleas, but Vinny gets up and dances to the stripper music in his own head.
That night, they all get ready to go out. Deena tells us Chris is coming out, so she's going to look really hot and sexy. Paula greets Jenni, and Jenni thinks Paula's trying too hard in her skin-tight dress tonight. She knows Mike will notice her tonight, but isn't sure whether it will be good or bad. Mike comes over and tells her she looks nice, and she says she'll let him get to his shit. Pauly thinks it's kind of weird that Paula's stalking Mike. "I mean, I deal with stalkers all the time, but not ex-girlfriend stalkers. That's a whole other level." Deena is dancing it up with Paula, and she thinks she's trying to show Mike what he's missing since he's dancing with grenades, and Paula's looking hot. Then, some girl comes and hits on Mike, and rubs herself all over him. They talk dirty (and by dirty I mean gross) and rub on each other some more as Paula spots them and gives them the evil eye. She walks by, and hits Mike, and says, "That's enough. Don't talk to me!" It breaks up his gross-fest with this new girl, and he looks half amused, half annoyed.
Then Mike ends up somehow explaining himself to Paula, telling her he didn't do anything, but girls hit on him a lot. She asks who he's thinking about at the end of the day, which is all she cares about. He tells her he cares about her more than anyone else in the club. She apologizes, and goes to get a drink. Then a girl with big boobs hanging out starts rubbing all over him. He informs us he's sober and good-looking, which is the best thing. He's sort of hiding around a corner with this girl, and Jenni doesn't like it because Paula's watching. Paula comes over to tell Mike goodbye, and just tells the girl, "It's okay, sweetheart. You won't see the sunlight anyway." Mike informs us that he comes from a long line of ninjas, but his skills might not be so great since he didn't see Paula come from out of nowhere.
On the walk home, Mike's got his boob girl, Pauly's got a girl (he informs us he needs to get it in because he's backed up; he has the decency to laugh at himself for saying that, but still: ew). Mike's girl is so drunk she falls over and her boobs fall out. Mike realizes she's way too sloppy and he's going to have to send her on her way. So he kisses her goodbye. Pauly brings this girl straight upstairs, and Sam informs us that it's been three weeks for Pauly, and he needs to just get it in, and get her out. Everyone in the whole house is listening to Pauly's bed banging. Seriously, everyone. They end up exchanging numbers, and Pauly immediately sends the girl away. He says she was a cool chick, and he might hit her up. But, if I were the girl, I wouldn't hold my breath.
morning, everyone's looking like hell when Snooki comes over to have Meatball auditions for Deena. Snooki thinks everyone is trying to be a Meatball this year, because it's fun to party and get drunk and shit, but no one's actually auditioned, so Snooki is going to be the judge since she's the initial party girl. They stop at a party store to get fun stuff for the day, and also to get prizes for whoever wins.
Sam and Ron head out on a date. Sam says it's a date for them to just spend some time alone together because that never happens. Ron thinks they've grown up and matured and they now feel comfortable and want to be with each other. Sam thinks it's cute that Nicole's having a baby, and says in five or ten years, they can have one. She asks what happens if it's a girl, and Ron says, "I'm pushing it back in."
Meatball auditions. The girls decide contestants have to do four shots without throwing up; then do a body shot off an old man; and a bunch of other stupid stuff. They head to boardwalk and start shouting about their Meatball auditions. They find a table full of people who are willing to audition, so they start with the four shots. Then Snooki finds a "gross old man" for body shots. She brings him over, and is really surprised that these girls are really ready for this, and not creeped out at all. (Also, the guy is not that old or that gross.) Now the Meatballs who are left have to go put on a beard, clown shoes and a fairy hat and have to go up to someone and say "Merp." They all do it, and Deena is laughing so hard she keeps saying she's going to pee herself. She can't believe these people are doing what she says. And neither can I. People must be really drunk at the Jersey Shore. Now it's time to choose the winners, and they are down to three girls: Belize. Sicilian. And Scotland. They choose all three and spray them with silly spray. Snooki tells Deena goodbye, and she's glad she found girls. "I love you. Please don't get arrested."
Sam and Ron are going to play mini-golf because he insists that he let her win on their first date. "But this isn't our first date anymore." She's out to prove herself. But Ron keeps hitting holes-in-one. He asks if she believes him now that he let her win, and I think she does. They walk to the second meal of their date hand in hand, then head home as it starts to get dark.
Meanwhile, Deena's partying it up with all of her Meatballs and some other girls. She invites the Meatballs back to the House to go to the club with them tonight. She arrives home right as everyone's wondering where she is. Sam is scared for the world that there are other Meatballs out there who made it through Meatball day. They all introduce themselves, but Pauly says, "Hi, I'm Vinny. Nice to meet you." As if anyone doesn't know who he is. They all crack up at the Scottish girl's accent, and make fun of her. She's a good sport about it. Mike appears at the top of the stairs and is like, "What the hell is going on?" He thinks it's like a Meatball convention, but since everyone is awake, he's going to get dressed and go out.
Pauly's annoyed that Deena would invite these three strangers out on their last weekend as roommates. Vinny comes down and is sort of shocked to see strangers. And the Scottish one starts giving him crap. Then they all go to get ready to go out, and use Jenni's straightener. She is NOT happy about it, and gives them death glares. She doesn't even like when the normal Meatballs use her stuff, but can barely tolerate it from these strangers. So, yeah, tonight's going to be drama.
Snooki's watching everyone else get ready. Scotland tries to hit on Vinny and Pauly, but they are not having it. Pauly tells her she looks like his Uncle Gilbert, and even Vinny looks shocked at him saying it. But he thinks it's funny. She's pretty annoying. They all go out, and Snooki heads home. She says she's not jealous she's not going out because she's getting good at this. "But once Lorenzo pops out, it's my turn!" Right. Good luck going out and partying with a newborn.
At the club, the Meatballs leave, so Pauly's happy they can finally party. Mike informs us that he's extremely attractive these days so everyone wants him, but there are a lot of grenades, so he has to dodge landmines. Sam says they're having an amazing party for their last weekend. Deena's super drunk, and even though they're all having a great time, they head home so she doesn't injure herself. Deena tries to go to her bed, but can't get there. She just keeps falling on the beanbag. So Mike finally walks her into her bed, and lays her down. She says, "Thank you, Jay." He just throws his hands up, covers her up, and leaves her. Who would have thought he'd be the responsible guy? It's sort of sweet, honestly.
day, Snooki comes back over and wants to spend as much time as she can since the summer with her roommates is coming to an end. They all sit around and discuss what to do week. They decide a bonfire on the beach. Vinny says they're not just eight people being drunk together. Uh, really? What show is he watching? He says they're a family, and they're going to party one last time. Mike wonders if he should invite Paula, and Pauly says if he does, he's not going. Ron tells him to shit or get off the pot.
During a commercial break, we find out that Snooki apparently gives birth on the new season of Snooki & JWOWW. Poor Lorenzo. But it's not like he ever had a chance at a normal life. And the deleted scene is all about them eating ice cream. Only, instead of putting them back in the freezer, Mike dumps it all on the floor. If I wanted to watch people drop ice cream, couldn't I just do it at home? And MTV wouldn't pay me thousands of dollars to do it.
The guys all head out for GTL or something, while Sam prepares Sunday dinner. She can't believe how crazy it is that this is their last Sunday dinner in the house. Sam and Snooki can't open a bottle of wine, and Deena can't figure it out either. There are like a million baby bottles on the counter, too. Maybe left over from the shower. The guys get back home, and can't believe they smell a home-cooked meal and see more than one woman in the kitchen. Deena mocks them for GTL'ing all day. Which is rich, considering the guys usually cook. Ron helps Sam finish cooking, and they serve up their meal. Everyone's like, "Thanks, Rammi." Snooki is disappointed Sam can cook now because she an Sam used to be the worst cooks, and now it's apparently just her.
They wonder what they're all doing tonight, and Snooki says she thought Mike was stripping. He says it usually takes him awhile to put together a routine, but he'll work on it. Vinny doesn't want to see it, but thinks it might be such a disaster, it might be worth it. MVP and R go upstairs to practice a routine with him. Vinny says no one cares about the stripping; it's all about the presentation and the storyline. Mike's stripper name is Vito Dorato (his actual first pet and street he grew up on). They set up a bubble machine, mess with the lights, and Pauly's going to DJ. Sam is not happy when Ron brings out their handcuffs because they were saving those for the bedroom. Anyway, Ron handcuffs Jenni to a chair. She says none of the other girls would step up, so she's taking one for the team.
The stage is set, the lights are dimmed, and Mike's upstairs as the music begins. Mike explains the mental checklist he's going through right now: "Abs? Check. Green eyes? Double-check. Biceps, like almost 18s? Check. It's go time." Pauly introduces Vito Dorado, who comes down in his boxer robe and outfit. He starts dancing awkwardly, and no one can really believe this is happening. Their smoke alarm starts going off as he strips in Jenni's face and gives her a lap dance. She is cracking up, and so is he and pretty much everyone else. Ron says Mike is actually the worst stripper he's ever seen in his life. And Ron's seen a lot of male strippers, I guess. Jenni thinks the whole thing was hysterical. Pauly says he's starting to not believe Mike used to do this for a living because he would at least be decent at it. Mike has Jenni get up, and then he flips her upside down. Snooki says if she was Jenni and Mike's face was in her crotch, she'd probably fart in his face. But, at the same time, she's proud he did it, and it was a good effort.
week: They're going to have a big farewell party on the beach. Sam wants her dad and Ron to get along. Paula sends a cake, and they find out that the frosting wasn't actually frosting. After they ate the whole thing. Then everybody cries as they say goodbye to this show. Except, you know, the viewers. See you then.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, could not bring herself to watch Best of the Reunions because those things are bad enough the first time. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.