Now it's time for the final reunion episode of Jersey Shore. You know, that hour where we relive the season supposedly live and unscripted? But very obviously preplanned and rehearsed? Right, that. Well, here we are. And here is our annoying hostess, Amy Paffrath. She tells us how live we are, "So you never know what might happen." She tells us why America couldn't stop watching (these eight were always themselves) and that it became the top show in MTV history. She calls Thursday "Jersday," and says that tonight we'll celebrate the moments that made these guys superstars. It's the final reunion or as "they" (I guess she means bartenders?) like to say, "Last call."
Amy goes through a roll call of the whole gang, which I'll spare you since I think we are all familiar with the Jersey Shore cast at this point. She starts with Pauly and asks him what he'd say to the haters who were against the show ever airing. He just gives a "Yeaaaaaaaaah, buddy!" Eloquent. Amy sends us to a clip of their language and lifestyle. They all talk about what a Guido is. Mike's GTL license plates. Banging up the beat. JWOWW. The Situation. Sammi Sweetheart. Snooki. High hair. "T-shirt time." "Meatball power." "Fresh to death." DTF. What? No smoosh or "Cabs are here!" But Amy asks Mike how he feels when people say smoosh and "Cabs are here," so they're sort of included. He doesn't really answer because Pauly's like, "Cabs are here!" Amy asks if they're surprised how many Guidos are all over the country and Snooki and Vinny are.
Amy says we've also learned that Guidos are highly emotional and sometimes speak with their fists. Oh good, a fighting montage. Jenni hits Mike, Sam punches Ron, Snooki and Angelina fight. Jenni and Sam fight. More Snooki and Angelina. More Jenni and Mike. Mike bangs his head into a concrete wall in Italy. Guy punches Snooki. Snooki dances over the bones of Angelina. Or something. Amy asks Sam what makes them all want to fight so much. She thinks they all speak with their emotions, but Pauly and Vinny interrupt that they talk with their hands. Amy asks Mike about being on the receiving end of Jenni's punch and he says it took him by surprise. Amy asks Snooki what she feels like when she looks back on that first sucker punch. And, ohmigod Snooki has some giant fake new teeth in front. Ew. I cannot even pay attention to what she says. They are so big! And white! Something about being a tough bitch because she can take a punch. She tells us how that moment brought them all together and thanks the guy for punching her. Amy asks Ron about his long fighting history and what's for him. He says he's a trendsetter and wasn't cool unless you got arrested. "Right, Deena? Right, Snooki?"
Duck phone montage. Lots of quacking, and people answering and slamming it down and being silly on the phone. Ending with Mike smashing the phone in the final episode. She asks them about it and Snooki says it's the first time she saw a duck phone, so how would they know how to use it? They all classify Mike smashing the duck phone as murder. By the way, he looks either super exhausted or like he's back on the drugs. Or both. Moving on to pranks, specifically Mike sending Snooki and Deena to New York.
Snooki "Wah" montage. Amy tells us how live we are as her microphone doesn't work. up is an arrest montage: First Ron for punching a guy out. Then Snooki for public drunkenness. Then Snook for running into a cop car in Italy. Then Deena for running through the streets. Amy asks Ron what is was like to be the first ex-con in the house. He says it was so cool that the others did it, too. Pauly agrees it was the thing to do. Then he impersonates Ronnie's "One shot!" After knocking the guy out. Snooki doesn't think she should have been arrested because she was just having fun. Deena says jail changed her because now she knows she can't dance in the street. She asks Vinny and Pauly who they'd hire as their incarceration consultant. The girls want them to choose them, but they choose Ron.
Amy says that as much as America loved watching them, they also loved watching themselves. Which means it's time for a mirror camera montage. Dancing around. Squeezing their butts and boobs. Picking their faces. Could have lived without that. Amy wonders what spent more time with the mirror: Mike's abs, Jenni's boobs or Sam's hair. It's a big debate, so I'm guessing it was pretty even. She asks why they kept getting ready there if they knew there was a camera and Vinny's like, "There was a camera? There were cameras in the house?" That's the kind of answer you get to a dumb question. The girls peeing all over the place montage takes us to commercial. Classy. Including a preview for a new show where Vinny has celebrities over to hang out with his family, starting with Lil Wayne, I guess. It's called "The Show with Vinny" and I actually will watch that. Love Vinny's family.
Pauly yelling montage brings us back into the show. They're all raising the roof, even Amy, when we are back. She tells them they're not a bunch of prudes and we get a montage of hookups: Vinny and Snooki. Jenni and Pauly. Angelina and Vinny. Mike and Snooki. Deena and Pauly. Deena and Snooki. Amy says Snooki's the Number 1 offender for in-house hookups and asks why. She says she just likes to have fun and is sexy. Uncle Nino yells something from the audience. He's sitting with Danny, who's cracking up. There ends up being a weird, awkward conversation about Sam and Mike hooking up in the beginning, which leads to Deena telling Mike how many grenades he hooked up with. Amy asks who in the house had the most sexual tension. Deena thinks Vinny and Pauly. But they say they're fine, yo.
Now we get to relive Jenni and Snooki busting Ron for triple-kissing grenades, leading to the Jenni and Sam fight. Amy asks if the note saga was the case of a good deed gone bad and she says she guesses so. She says she knows not to get in anyone's relationship after that day. But Sam says that the note helped them get where they are now. Ron says it was a mistake and he'll never do that again. Pauly and Vinny using Mike's toothbrush to clean their shaver sends us to commercial. Are they this desperate for scenes to relive? Because that was sort of meh.
Ron and Sam relationship questions. Amy says they put the fun in dysfunctional. Which is not true. Their relationship drama was never fun and ruined the previously fun show. Amy asks where they stand now and Ron jokes that the show's not over yet. They say they're together, happy and good... and that they live together now. So we get a relationship montage with lots of kissing and happiness, but also lots of fighting and tearing each other's shit apart. Then getting back together and promising no more bullshit. Then back together. Then apologies again and more fighting. And on and on and on. For the rest of their lives. They all laugh as Amy jokes that it's a timeless love story. She asks Sam what it is about Ron that makes him worth all the heartache. She says she doesn't know, but it must be something. She says it's funny to watch now and they've matured a lot. Pauly says if they can get through that, they can get through anything. Amy asks Vinny if their relationship is co-dependent, borderline psychotic or just plain-old Guido fun. He gives them their own Facebook relationship status: "Rammi." Amy asks Mike if he feels he dodged a bullet. He says, "I took a lot of grenades, though." And Ron gives him a high five.
Amy tells us about Deena's lesbian times in Italy and we get to relive her making out and hooking up with girls. Including Snooki, multiple times. Grossing everyone else out. Amy points out that Deena's boyfriend, Chris, is here. He's laughing in the audience. Amy asks what it was about Italy and Deena says she was single at that point (although, lesbehonest, Snooki was not), and looking for whatever in Italy. She says the guys there were so weird, but she's thankfully found an amazing guy now. Pauly: "Lesbehonest." Jenni and Snooki say all girls have done it, no matter what they say. Sam says she hasn't. Snooki's weird teeth say something that gets bleeped. And then Snooki says she just likes to love her friends sometimes when she's drunk. Deena's strip-tease for Mike takes us to commercial.
Weird grenade whistle scene I don't even remember brings us back. Amy promises the studio is a grenade-free zone. Now we get a Vinny and Pauly bro-love montage, complete with love story music and hugs and manicures. Amy asks Pauly how they keep the fire alive and they say it's role-playing. Deena swears she watched them do sex in Italy and they are like, "What?!" Then Pauly says, "I feel." Amy tells them how refreshing it is to see a healthy relationship on TV and asks them to do their fist pump, pushup, chap stick routine for old time's sake. They do it, but it's not as funny as it once was.
Amy takes us from Snooki sticking her ass in a fridge to talking about Hurricane Sandy. Classy segue, MTV. We get to watch the gang go back to Seaside after the hurricane and Danny at the Shore Store. Snooki -- who didn't have ugly fake teeth yet -- cries. Pauly believes they can bring this place back and have it popping again by summer. Amy asks Danny what happens if Seaside doesn't come back and he says it's coming back, stronger than ever. Everyone cheers. Amy says fans have donated, but tells us how to keep donating via text or MTV. But I'm going to assume you can figure out how to donate to help Seaside yourself without MTV's assistance. Drunk Uncle Nino clip toasts us into a Buckwild commercial. I know it's not just me noticing the stark contrast between everything else on MTV and their attempts to be humanitarians when it comes to Hurricane Sandy.
Clip of Jenni showing who all has been together through a couple degrees on a chalkboard. Amy tells us that it's now time to say goodbye and that no one's hearts are as full for this show as these eight people, even though so many people loved this show. Montage of goodbyes every season. They love each other, blah blah family. And then a happy, crazy, fun times montage of screaming and laughing and hugging and kissing. Ending with the exact same group hug and final moments as the final episode.
Amy asks Jenni how it feels to say goodbye and she doesn't want to cry. Ron says they're all stuck with each other and so they just say, "See ya tonight." Amy asks Team Meatball how hard it is to say goodbye. Deena and Snooki cry and Snooki says they love each other and will be a fan forever. Jenni adds that they love MTV and the production company and Ron yells they love the fans. Amy asks what Pauly will miss and he says living with his lifelong friends. She asks Vinny, who says that -- like Nicole and other young people -- this was his first shore house and he grew up on the show. Ron and Sam are going to miss everyone and the whole experience. Ron says he'll miss working at the Shore Store with Danny. Amy tells Mike they're proud of him for where he is today and thanks him for sharing his "run with us." He nods and looks serious -- and maybe not so drugged. They all look sort of tired, so maybe this was filmed at, like, 3 AM. They all yell a final "Thank you" and "We love you!" to the fans and Amy loves them back and thanks them for sharing their lives. Amy repeats herself and stumbles over a final farewell, leading up to, "You guys, that's a wrap." They get up and all hug each other over the credits. Danny and Nino and others join them. The end. Forever.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, hopes Buckwild isn't as popular as this was. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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