Previously: Drunkenness. Fighting. Sex. Breakups. And, last week, we got a reprieve. But now the orange-dyed kids from all over the Northeast claiming to be "Jersey" are back to torment us for a few more weeks. First, Snooki wakes up and heads over the house. She complains a little about Jionni not coming over because he has softball tournaments, which is hobby. She's really not as pissed about it as Deena is, though. So Deena invites her for a Meatball date. But first Snooki calls Jionni and tries to talk to him. It's a pretty ridiculous conversation because first, he can't hear her; and second, it's them. She complains that he's not there to take care of her. She interviews about how sexy it is that Jionni's into playing softball, but she misses him. Ron eavesdrops and doesn't seem to like what he's hearing. But he moves on quickly, puts on a gorilla suit and wakes up Jenni, who freaks out.
Later on, they're having a group dinner, minus the Meatballs who are on their own date. And, thankfully, we get to relive Ron scaring Jenni. Because it wasn't enough for us to see it, we also get to hear Jenni tell Sam about it. And now you are lucky enough to read me recap the recap of the moment. Ron and Mike complain about how annoying it is that Snooki's so unhappy and never smiles, just because she's pregnant. The whole gang is pretty pissed that Jionni's off playing softball instead of being there with his pregnant girl.
Meanwhile, Snooki and Deena have their cute date with virgin drinks. Snooki wants Deena to go to the baby store with her the day, but Deena says she promised Sam she'd go get food to cook for Ron. She's really just trying to keep Snooki from the baby store because they already bought everything there for her secret shower. So they start talking about what they wear to bed. Deena won't sleep naked because -- I am not making this up -- she's worried a bug will crawl up there and start having babies and then she'd be, like, having bugs. Um, weird. And ew. Deena really needs to spend what little brain power she has on something else.
Dinner's over and Mike's all excited to be MVP and find DTF chicks. He thinks that rhymes because they're both acronyms. They don't. Then they look around and find Paula. He tells her she looks hot, but tells us that he just keeps thinking about her acting like a dude and talking about the shocker. He heads off, and Paula goes to Jenni and Sam to get some sympathy. They both feel awful for her, because they can tell she's about to cry. MVP is doing great with the ladies though, with girls grinding all over them. Sam thinks Mike's downgraded and Paula's watching it from afar, looking sad. Jenni's sick of watching a go-go dancer who doesn't know what she's doing, so she gets up and dances better than her. Vinny's assessment: "Jenni's fake tits definitely did not go to waste tonight." That's fair. Mike's trying to hook up with a girl when Paula comes by and tells him she's leaving. He's not thrilled to be getting cock-blocked, as the girl he's been talking to decides to leave. MVP ends up with no chicks, and head home to pleasure themselves, I guess.
Snooki calls Jionni to find out if he can be there to go to the baby store with her since no one else wants to. Snooki tells the girls what's going down, so they concoct a plan to tell Jionni not to take her since they already got her everything. Sam greets him at the door and whispers for him to take her to dinner instead. He agrees and the girls take off. Jionni asks her if she wants to eat and she's hungry, but bummed he doesn't want to go to the baby store either. Snooki just thinks it sucks that she's not doing anything baby even though she's pregnant. Snooki needs an address and she has to get it from the house door, where the girls are going through all the gifts they got her. Luckily, Snooki wears crazy high heels so they hear her coming in time to swear up a storm and hide the gifts. Phew. I was super worried about this.
Snooki's pouty as they leave for dinner. Sam tells them to make out over dinner, but Nicole says they haven't done that in a year. Sam says that she hopes Jionni doesn't get killed in his sleep over the baby store. At dinner, Jionni wonders why she's so pouty and she basically just wanted to go to the baby store. Jionni is seeing his future, where he will live with two babies for the rest of his life. He shakes his head.
Back at the house, Jenni's telling Vinny he needs to come to the baby shower, but he thinks Nicole and Jionni don't want him there. He's not convinced that Jenni's invite is the same as Nicole wanting him there. Back at dinner, Snooki tells Jionni he's eating a baby cow, which is totally different than her cheeseburger earlier, which was an old cow. She says they didn't have the best date, but they love each other and can fix it with makeup sex. They head home to bed as the rest of the gang is getting ready to go to a new club, Merge.
MVP feel strongly that they have to redeem themselves after last night's poor showing. At the club, Jenni's trying to have a dance-off with some guy, but she splits her pants open and her butt's hanging out. Mike says this is a great night at Merge and there's no way anything is going to ruin the fun they're having this summer. Cue the shark music as Jenni spots Angelina. As if anyone really cares. I mean, she's such old news. But this is clearly a producer set-up. Just why? Jenni acts like she's going to puke, Ron says he smells trash. Mike winds up face to face with her and she tries to hug him. He doesn't allow it, but she's all handsy and apologizing. He gives her a C on apologizing for not exiting after finishing it up, since she just goes on and on. She repeats it to Pauly and Vinny. Pauly says he holds no grudges, but wants her to move along. Vinny's like, "I really don't care," and tries to ignore her. Jenni and Roger, Deena and Chris and Ron and Sam head home. Ron puts on the gorilla suit and goes into the smoosh room to scare Jenni and Roger. Jenni sees him coming and covers her face to keep from laughing, but she busts up as soon as Ron wakes up Roger.
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Back at the club, Angelina's still cockblocking so MVP takes off to get away from her. Vinny compares MVP striking out to Jordan playing for the Wizards. Mike and Pauly want to eat, so Vinny heads home alone... and finds two girls in a parking lot who are down to go home with him for a threesome. He repeats that a threesome is worth breaking his celibacy for, which I believe he said earlier this season. Vinny is pissed that Jenni and Roger, who don't even have sex, are in the smoosh room the one night he wants to have a threesome. So he heads into his room with Mike and Pauly, who are laying there watching it all go down. Mike thinks it's irony that he and Pauly struck out and Vinny walks in with two chicks.
And now for our deleted scene: Vinny and Mike make water balloons and throw them at Ron and Pauly, who are hanging on Snooki's porch. Pauly retaliates with a fire extinguisher. That is all. Don't try this at home.
Back to MVP's room, where M and P are just watching Mr. Celibate with his threesome. Pauly says if he'd known celibacy led to threesomes, he would have been down. One of the girls leaves, so Vinny decides not to break his celibacy. "Unless getting a bj counts."
day, it's time to prep for the baby shower and the girls feel like shit. Jenni says Roger kept molesting her all night, so she's going unshowered after having sex. Deena: "I've done it before!" I mean, I wouldn't use Deena as an example of acceptable behavior or anything. The girls are struggling with instructions on how to put up, basically, streamers and other simple party décor. It wouldn't be Snooki's shower if they weren't all drunk. The girls talk about how much it sucks that Roger and Chris are there more than Jionni. And Jenni finds it even more offensive that he's playing softball -- a girls' sport -- instead of baseball. They want to say something to her about it. Decorations are done and they can't wait to surprise Nicole. But first they head home. Let's hope to take showers.
Jenni calls Roger and asks him to pick her up by 3, so they can get to Rivoli's before everyone else. Snooki thinks it's roommate dinner, but that Jenni's going on a special date with Roger. Pauly can't believe he's going to Snooki's baby shower. Jenni comes out in a leopard toga-style dress and says Roger's surprising her. Snooki thinks he's proposing! Roger shows up and they leave. Vinny and Pauly discuss that guys shouldn't really be going to a baby shower and Vinny doesn't want to be there at all, because... AWKWARD. But he'll go, apologize to Jionni and try to make things right with Nicole. They all head to the baby shower. Pauly's not excited about the shower, but is glad to see Vinny confront Jionni. Snooki really doesn't want to go dinner, but says it's something to do.
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Jenni's got a crowd assembled -- Roger, Jionni and some random extras -- when Snooki shows up and starts crying. It's the pregnancy hormones. And her friends from back home are crying. And hey, Danny's there! Jenni says that this made her whole experience this year. Snooki says she thought the girls wanted nothing to do with doing anything baby and now she knows they were just planning this party. Mike clears his throat and Snooki says it's awkward. Jionni doesn't look at Mike or Vinny. Pauly sing-songs, "Awkward!" Only he can get away with yelling that out loud. He can't even really explain what's going on later, but says it's awkward. He is just giggling the whole time. Snooki gets up to go pee, so Vinny heads over to talk to Jionni. He says he's going to apologize even though he's done nothing wrong except slept with a girl who crawled into his bed. Pauly says, "Baby shower problems!" When Vinny is gone, Jenni tells Mike he should talk to Jionni too. Pauly says this is the only baby shower where two of the guests need to apologize to the baby daddy for sleeping with the girl. I hope that's true. Anyway, Vinny and Jionni head outside and Snooki's not sure if Jionni's going to forgive Vinny since he wants to beat the crap out of him. That's our cliffhanger, folks. OMG. Will they be able to be friends?!
week: Jionni and Vinny talk (or do they fight?). Paula asks Mike to hold her drink, which irritates him given he's recently out of rehab. And then Mike finally grows a pair and decides to talk to Snooki.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks Pauly's the only one on this show who will never change. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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