Did you know MTV and the cast are having a special fundraising event week called Restore the Shore? Why didn't they ever offer to do this after all the damage they themselves caused? I know I shouldn't make light, because the hurricane is tragic and I am not making light of that. I am making fun of this show and this network for trying to be heroic. I mean, sure, I guess they have brought some publicity to the shore, but not in a good way. And fans of this show just don't seem like they'd be the target demographic for restoration fundraising. But I guess we'll see... Prove me wrong, Jersey Shore. Previously: Mike let girls grind on him, because that's not a big deal. Deena was a drunk mess and her mom didn't like it. Neither did Ronnie. Opening. "I'm going to Jersey Shore, Bitch!" Lorenzo is going to be so proud of his mama.
We open back on Deena crying and Ron being a jerk by laughing at her. As if he's never been drunk and out of control. He does tell her that they're here for her and want to know what's actually wrong with her instead of just listening to her cry. Pauly tells her to sleep it off, and then narrates that she needs to calm down on the day drinking and "pace herself, like a normal person does in Jersey." Vinny takes her outside and tries to get her to breathe, but she says she can't. She keeps crying that she needs to go home, but he tells her to trust him and tries to talk her off the ledge. Inside, they're all mocking and making fun. Except Sam, who says she wants to console her friend, but it's become a repetitive problem now and is causing her stress. They think she calls her parents too often, because they baby her. Vinny tells Deena she can't decide to go home until she's calm and not having anxiety (what he means is not drunk, but he's gentleman enough not to say it). She says she wants to see her mom. Inside, Ron calls her mom and tells them they don't need to come down -- that the problem is just that she's had too much to drink and needs to sleep it off. Her mom says they'll be there in about 20 minutes. Deena comes inside and everyone tells her how much they love her. Now that she's happier, they start making masturbation jokes. I hope they've saved some of this material for their fundraiser.
Deena stays at the house to wait for her parents, but the rest of the gang heads back to Karma. When Deena's parents show up with a chicken Caesar wrap, she's so happy to see them. Her mom lectures her about drinking and Deena claims she's not drinking because she's depressed; she's just having a good time. She just wanted a Meatball day. Her mom reminds her she had one last week. Her mom tells her she's going to go to jail, but Deena tells her she just needs to stop calling and checking on her (um, is this the same girl who was just crying for her mommy?). They argue a bunch more. Deena's main argument is that she just drinks to have a good time, but her mom wants her to go see a psychologist. Deena says she and her mom will always be okay, though. They tell each other they love each other and they annoy each other. And then her parents leave.
At the club, some cute girl is hitting on Mike, and he's hitting right back on her, so Ron keeps calling him a "sneaky dickens." Does that mean something? Ronnie tells us that he's doing everything he's not supposed to do. Then he's talking to another girl, and Jenni interrupts and tells the girl he has a girlfriend. Mike tells us that technically he's not cheating, and that he's being a very good boyfriend right now. Then we see him hitting on a couple other girls and sucking on one girl's finger. Ew. Also, can someone tell this guy what a girlfriend is?
Ron and Sam and Jenni and Roger get home. Jenni hugs Deena, happy she's home in bed, then crawls in bed with Roger. MVP walk home with V's and P's two girls. Mike tells them all that he's been good to Paula, but Pauly thinks she's going to find out what happened. Vinny and Pauly take their girls to bed and Vinny teaches us his definition of irony: He finally brought a girl home to break his celibacy (what's it been? Two weeks?), and she won't kiss him or do anything else. What happened to the girl back home he was saving himself for?
morning, MVP head out to get a bunch of groceries and then make food for a family picnic. (Does MTV require these "family" meals to keep Snooki around?) Anyway, they're having hot dogs, so they all make penis jokes. Then they discuss the night: Mike says he did nothing wrong because he didn't bring a girl home, but all the girls confirm that you cannot grind on another girl when you're in a relationship. Ronnie tells him you can't even think about another girl when jerking off, or they'll know. Mike is flabbergasted. He interviews to the camera, "So you're telling me that grinding on other chicks at the club... is a bad thing?!" Shocker! (Foreshadowing.) He tells them he cares about Paula a lot, but almost says "love," which Jenni calls him on and he admits. She asks if he loves her and he says, "I care about her a very lot."
The house sort of has an unplanned intervention for Deena. Sam tells her how annoying it is that she gets like that all the time, and loses control of her emotions. Deena says she lost her partner in crime (Snooki) and it's a lot for her too. Sam says it's just too much because it's every night. Deena tells Sam that she's always been there for her and Sam says she'll still be there for her, too. Pauly basically calls out how awkward it is and Snooki giggles. Most of the gang breaks up, leaving Deena and Sam to argue more. Sam tells Deena she's different with a boyfriend -- that she's happier, but also less happy because she's depressed being away from him. Sam says she's not being mean: She loves Deena and loves her in a relationship. She says Deena's always there for her, and she wants to be there for her too. She tells Deena they all like Chris, but think Deena's blowing the relationship by making it look harder than it is. Deena says that pisses her off. Sam also tells Deena she has only-child syndrome, because she never asks how anyone else is doing. Deena says it makes her feel like not talking anymore. Sam says she's glad she got that off her chest and they go to bed. Deena would like to let it die already, because she can't keep hearing these digs. That's not a friend. At all. No, duh. A friend is the person who will get drunk with you in the middle of the day and dance and show her cooka with you. Until she gets pregnant, leaving you without a friend. Life is hard when you're paid to get drunk.
Snooki shows up to get Jenni and Sam for work. Snooki says Danny's just annoying when they're late, because he says it all shift. Jenni takes responsibility for being late and then puts on her makeup while she works. Danny says he's not talking to them, because he's mad at them. He harps on them about offering shot glasses and on and on. Jenni makes a deal with Danny that she can leave as soon as she sells all 108 of his shot glasses -- and she has to stay until they're sold. She pushes them and sells them all, and Danny gives her a congratulatory high-five.
Deena and Mike are apparently planning a double date with their significant others, and Mike gives her props for the good idea. Paula calls and agrees to come over. They call each other "babe" and "sweetheart." So she apparently hasn't seen the grinding footage yet.
Shift ends at the Shore Store and the girls decide to stop at the arcade. The stuffed animal machine is open, so Nicole steals a leopard. Jenni says only Nicole would do that. Snooki: "I'm scared! My heart's beating!" Wait. Is that not normal? Jenni says that she doesn't want to see a mug shot of Snooki 7 months pregnant for stealing a stuffed animal.
Chris shows up for his date, and they head to Deena's room. She tells him that the roommates are annoying her because they are telling her she's clingy to him and doesn't he like that? He says he doesn't like her calling at 4 in the morning, but she's supposed to be a little clingy. Paula shows up and Deena tells us how cute Paula is ("a mix of porn star, but girl door") and how great she is for Mike. They head out on their double date, which apparently blows Mike's mind. He never thought he'd be wifed up and double-dating.
They joke at dinner about how this is an adjustment period for him, being in a relationship. Mike gets embarrassed at things that Paula says and he worries she's auditioning to be a Meatball, but Meatballs are not ladylike and don't have manners. Paula and Deena head out to smoke together. Mike drinks water and tells us how much he's trying, because he'd normally pull the chute immediately. While they're gone, Mike tells Chris he's not used to this and he likes seeing her for 10 seconds at the tanning salon. He wonders if this will subside, because he isn't sure he can handle it. This is so sad. He is like a 15-year-old in his first awkward relationship. It makes me uncomfortable. Chris tells him those things won't go away. Mike says he doesn't want her to change for him, but some of these things are turning him off. Outside, the girls talk about how comfortable they are with their guys, but Paula says she'll never talk about poop with him. Inside, Mike says that if you're too comfortable together, someone will walk away. Then they ride rides and it's not clear why, but Paula yells and hand-signs about the shocker. Mike tells us this is extremely embarrassing.
They head back home, and Paula tells everyone how romantic their date was. Right, talk of poop and shockers is always romantic. Paula gets ready to go out, while Mike tells everyone else he thinks he bit off more than he can swallow. She comes back downstairs, and he heads up to get ready. Everyone is ready and sitting around. Mike tells everyone that Paula brought up the shocker and they all talk about it. She keeps going and Mike tells us that guys do not like girls talking too open about sex in front of others. She can talk like that all she wants in the bedroom, but not in public. Snooki pipes up: "I like it." Then looks at Vinny for support? Awkward! Snooki informs us she's very open with her sexuality. "And, you know, the shocker is sometimes nice. Not all the time, but sometimes, you know, you're in the mood for a shocker." She's such a weird mix of grandma and slut, describing the shocker as "nice." Just giving poor Lorenzo's classmates more fodder to make fun.
Mike says he's chalking it up and Paula asks what that means. He says he has no control what comes out of her mouth, but when she just sits there and smiles, it's nice. This show is filled with men who have the utmost respect for women, don't you think? I wish every episode had a giant warning label for any young girls watching. Then again, this is the network of Teen Mom, which probably needs a warning even more. So I won't hold my breath. (But, unlike Deena, at least I know how.)
Tonight's mini-scene, crammed between two commercials: Mike, Chris and Paula are out on the downstairs deck, where Mike shows them his Van Damme moves on some mannequin he calls Bob. It's actually more amusing than most of these other weird little deleted scenes or whatever.
After commercials, we're back with Mike repeating the same thing to Paula and Sam saying she'd be hitting him with her clutch. They get up to leave and she talks about her shorts riding up. She apologizes and he says it's okay, that he's chalking a lot of things up. At the club, Jenni tells us that Mike seems to think he's missing out on MVP, but Paula's a catch and "She likes Mike. Who likes Mike?" Good point.
Back at the house, Ron and Sam tell Snooki how over things are for Mike and Paula. Snooki doesn't want that to happen, so Ronni reminds her what he just said about how he likes it when she sits there and just smiles. Snooki agrees that was rude and she'd probably punch Jionni if he said that to her. She heads home and tells Ron and Sam to have fun having sex. She sing-songs, "Make babies tonight" on her way out. Oh, gross. No one needed that.
Back at the club, Mike has left Paula. He says she has no idea where he is, but Jenni tells us that she thinks Paula knows but is trying not to be the clingy girlfriend. Jenni thinks this is a good thing, to let the boys do their thing, "But keep an eye; always keep an eye." An old lady comes and starts dancing with the girls." Deena Jersey Turnpikes with her, which you'd think is weird, but then the old lady does a headstand and other dance moves. Deena admits she just put her to shame. They all hug and tell her how awesome she is.
End of the night. The gang all heads home, and Mike goes upstairs to shower. Sam asks Paula if she's wearing ass pads, and Paula admits she is. Then she whips them out, and Vinny plays with them (wears them in his pants, then on his head). Paula tells them what every crazy sexual position is: "the dolphin," "the Superman." Ron interviews that Mike would be so embarrassed because the stuff that comes out of this girl's mouth puts Ron to shame. Mike comes down and Pauly tells him that while he was in the shower, Paula showed them her ass pads, and Vinny put them on. Mike grabs them and pretends it's awesome, but she takes them back from him. Mike interviews his girlfriend is acting like one of the guys, and he is not going to "bleep" her if she acts like one of the guys. Then they tell Mike she told them about the Superman and she asks them not to scare him, because he'll think she's done that stuff. Sure enough, Mike interviews that it sounds like she knows a little bit too much. Then she demonstrates something called carpet surfing and Vinny plays along. Mike says he doesn't know what to do other than chalk it up. He heads upstairs and she follows him. They all talk downstairs about how much he hates her and how embarrassed he is by every word out of her mouth. Pauly says he never should have given her that title in the first place. Upstairs, they're snuggling, but he doesn't look very comfortable.
week: Mike might break up with Paula. Ron's annoyed that Jionni's the only boyfriend never around and his girl is pregnant (I think this is an exaggeration, and maybe he has a job?). And Snooki says Mike won't be invited to the wedding. "He doesn't exist." Seems fun.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, liked Paula more in smaller doses. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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