Before we watch the Jersey Shore cast vomit and crap all over Seaside Heights, MTV takes a moment for Vinny to pay tribute to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. He tells us how much they love this place (they may love her, but they sure don't respect her), and urges us to text the words "Red Cross" to to donate $10 to the relief effort. Now, for the other (not-so-natural) disaster, let's return to the final season. Previously: Deena got drunk and arrested, and her mom lectured her. Mike took himself off the market, and then Paula got way too into the relationship. JWOWW and Roger might be breaking up! Oh no!
We open on rainy Seaside and sad music, as we get a repeat of last week's phone call between Jenni and Roger. She tells us that she'd feel like a "big chunk" of her was gone if she lost Roger. She thought she could spend the rest of her life with him. And, it turns out, she still can. Because he says he's done with the club scene with her, but he is not breaking up with her. She hopes they can get past this, because sometimes you have to go through bad stuff (like an abusive boyfriend) to become a stronger couple. What ever happened to "After I have sex with a guy, I will cut his head off"? She gets off the phone, all happy.
Mike's filling everyone in on how much Paula has changed in one day after four summers. He says he's going to stick it out, though, since this is only Day One. Ron informs Mike that she's just being a girlfriend now because she won't obey. And Ron thinks he's had sex that will last longer than this relationship. He also doesn't understand why Mike can get through rehab but not one day of a relationship.
When Mike, Ron, and Deena arrive at work, Danny's bought a new uniform for Deena: an orange jumpsuit. Which she puts on. Mike keeps convincing himself that he's going to make this work, but he's already talking about the little things that bother him about Paula. He says she's a natural 8.2, but needs a little fixing up. He says girls should be spoiled and have nice things, and he doesn't mind sending her to the store for some clothes. Deena says Mike thinks he bought a doll. They stop talking when Paula shows up. Deena whispers to Ron that this is going to freak Mike out. Ron agrees he's going to jump ship. Paula gives Mike a kiss and leaves. Mike acknowledges Paula's a little too comfortable. And, The Situation relationship wisdom, ladies and gentlemen: "When you're a little too comfortable in a relationship, you no longer have a relationship." Right. I have always heard that relationships get more awkward with time. They start a pool about when the relationship will end: Ron takes 10 days, and Deena says a week before they leave. Mike does not want in on that.
Prank time! Deena's gone, so Pauly and Vinny decide to take all of her pictures of her and Chris, go pose the same way, and then replace the pictures of Chris and Deena with pictures of Vinny and Pauly. This is actually a hilarious prank, and I cannot imagine her not finding this funny. Pauly and Vinny are chuckling the entire time they're working on the prank. Unfortunately, Deena and Sam get back to the house before Pauly and Vinny, so they have to hide the pictures. But Deena notices her pictures are missing before they get back home. She's already searching under mattresses and everything else when Pauly comes in. He distracts her while Vinny switches out the pictures. Vinny tells us that she's so easy to distract that you could lay a laser pointer on the ground and distract her. Which is practically what Pauly does. She walks into her room, sees the Vinny and Pauly kissy-face pictures, and laughs. Then she says, "I don't want that!" She asks where the pictures are, but they are basically ignoring that question.
Ron and Deena head to the boardwalk to be Meatballs, I guess, leaving Snooki sitting home alone. Deena's playing with stuffed animals and going into details about her sex life with Chris. Ron is making vomiting motions as she tells him that she's only ever had an orgasm with Chris. Ron tells her he'd like to never hear this ever again, please. She immediately repeats that he's the only guy who ever made her orgasm. Ron gags us into commercial.
Some cops hover outside the bar where Deena's drinking, and she promises she won't go in the street. She says she's afraid of cops right now, but then goes out and asks them a question. And hugs them. She found out she can dance as much as she wants, as long as she's on the boardwalk. They head back home to get ready to go to Karma, and she tells Ron this is what a Meatball is: drunk and ready to go again.
Snooki has decided she's going to Karma again. "And, plus, I think everyone wants to hang out with me." Ron whispers to Sam that he loves Deena, but if she talks about herself anymore, he's going to (expletive). Sam tells him to tell her. Karma. Jenni sees all her best Long Island friends are there. With Roger. She says she can't believe he did this for her, and it is the best feeling ever. Snooki is looking for her baby daddy, who shows up and asks her how she's feeling. She tells him she wants to cook him dinner, and he's incredulous. She says if it tastes like shit, he has to tell her. But he says he can't tell her that. Why do I think they are so cute now? Oh, right: Snooki is sober. She is better this way.
Meanwhile, Mike's getting cozy with some other girl. His logic is that he is sitting there minding his business, and if an extremely hot girl wants to bounce up and down on his lap for a song or two, that's okay. Vinny says that Paula would be crying if she could see this, just like Mike would be pissed if Paula were grinding on guys. Some guy whose face is blurred out approaches Mike and tells him how much Paula loves him and his family, and that she told this guy they made it official. Mike looks SHOCKED that someone would know about this. He remembers how excited she was, right? Then Paula's friend, Whitney, tells Mike she saw him. She even impersonates the girl grinding on his lap. Mike says that Paula apparently has a number of spies (why isn't she just there herself?). He says he could take home any girl he pleases, but he isn't going to cross that line. He likes flirting with disaster, but is going home alone.
In the van on the way home, drunk Deena tells Sam she and Ron had a great time today, and Sam's like, "Except Ron said you just talked about yourself." Ron agrees, and Deena gets all pouty and sad. He asks her why she's so sensitive, and she says it hurts her feelings. He says he's not mad, and he had a great time too, but he was just saying what happened. She starts crying, and tells him not to hang out with her then. She says she hates this house, and wants to go home. I feel like there's going-home drama every season. It's getting old.
morning. Quack phone. Mike answers. It's Paula. She says that Whitney told her they talked, and he said all good things. He looks relieved, and says it's very hard to say anything bad about her. He gets off the phone, and considers that a success. Deena wakes up and hugs Ron. She says she was drunk and he's like her brother. No big.
MVP hits the boardwalk, then heads to a diner. Vinny's like, "I don't think you can grind on chicks when you have a girlfriend." Mike's like, "I know. I just found that out." I almost believe him. Then he spots Pauly's stalker from last season. Dude. So disturbing. Pauly says he can't look at her, or she'll be looking right at him. He makes fun of her. Rightfully. I mean, she's a big-time stalker who actually allows this show to put her face on TV.
Ron has decided to hang out with the girls this day, but Deena's talking about her ass and poop and hemorrhoids. Not Ron's idea of fun conversation. Sam, Ron and Deena go to the bar, and Deena starts drinking.
Back at her apartment, Snooki starts trying to cook for Jionni. She says she actually wants to do a good job and impress him because he's going to be her husband. After she sets the oil on fire in the kitchen, she calls her dad. Then everything starts smoking. She thinks it will be a miracle if she gets through this experience without burning down the house. She leaves the pan on the burner while she gets instructions from her dad. She does attempt what looks like a decent meal, but she gags when she takes a bite.
Sam wants to go home and shower, but Deena tells her to just stay. Sam says she's not a dirt like you. Sam and Ron head home. Sam explains she's not Deena's mom; she's her friend. So if she wants to stay out and be a Meatball she can. Deena says that it's cool for a Meatball to stay out by herself. She's drinking and smoking up a storm. Back at the house, the Duck phone rings. It's Deena's mom, asking if Deena's drunk having fun on the boardwalk. Sam tells the truth that she's drunk, but says she doesn't think she's as drunk as she was last week. Deena's mom says she's coming down there if Deena's drunk again. Sam feels bad that she left Deena on the boardwalk by herself. This whole conversation is intercut with Deena dancing on pool tables and bars and all over the place. The timing on these phone calls (Mike and Paula, Deena's mom and Sam) makes me think they're set up. MTV wouldn't script this stuff, would they? Never!
Between commercials, there is a little deleted scene or whatever of Deena in her jumpsuit at the Shore Store. She steals from the cash register, has a fake gun and paints her face. Danny plays along. Yeah, I can see why they deleted that.
Jionni shows up at Snooki's for dinner and tells her it smells so good. She's really worried and knows he's going to hate it. He looks at the pasta and chicken cutlet, and asks what's . She asks him which one he wants to throw up first, and says she's embarrassed. Then she gives him some chicken cutlet, and he tells her it's really good. I don't even think he's lying. She says he made his throw-up face, but he says he didn't. Then he tries the noodles. She says she's sorry, and he asks what's wrong with it. She asks if he's kidding, and he says it tastes good. She starts coughing and laughing and pees at the table. I mean, yeah, that happens to pregnant people. But it also always happens to Snooki.
Deena drunkenly "Merp, Merp"s her way home. When she gets there, she can't find anyone, but the phone rings (the timing!). It's her mom, who tells her she didn't learn her lesson for getting arrested. Her mom tells her no one else is getting drunk like that, so why is she? (Well, to be fair, Snooki's not doing it because she's pregnant.) Deena cries as her mom yells and yells. But, seriously, does she not know what this show is? And doesn't she like that her daughter gets paid to be drunk. Her mom says she's coming to get her, and she agrees. She gets off the phone, and Sam tells her not to leave. But Deena says there's nothing she could do. Isn't she an adult? I mean, in biological age. Obviously she's not in terms of maturity.
Roger shows up to hang out with Jenni, as Deena wanders drunkenly around and wonders if she's leaving and what she should do. She asks Sam, Jenni, and Roger in the living room if she's leaving. They say she's not. She calls her mom back, and tells her she is not going home. Her mom tells her to promise she won't get drunk like this anymore, and Deena says she can't promise that, so she wants to go home, then. Jenni thinks she feels embarrassed so wants to go home. She passes out on the couch.
When everyone else is ready for Karma, they wake her up to see if she wants to go, and she's like, "How did I get here?" She says something about having fun and how she can come out. They don't think she should come out, so she says she's going home. She calls her boyfriend to come get her, and he says he can do that tomorrow. She cries that she wants to go home. Everyone is laughing at her. Sam says it's because they've heard it over and over and over, and she forgets it the day. Jenni's sitting with her on the beanbag not laughing at her, to her credit. But everyone else is cracking up, which is making it worse. Vinny finally asks Ron to stop laughing because she's crying. Chris tells her he can't come, so she gets off the phone and starts yelling at Ron. He is super mean back to her, fake screaming like the Hulk. Everyone basically is trying to shut him up. But, to be fair, she should stop being such a drunk if she doesn't want to be this emotional. You can't blame him for mocking it after a certain point.
week: More Paula drama and stealing stuffed animals. I am sure it's not as exciting as it sounds.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is surprised MTV didn't postpone this episode after the hurricane. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.