‘Everyone Goes to the Drunk Tank’

S06E06

Sunday dinner. Mike asks Vinny to say something before they eat, so he thanks God and his mom and is glad Deena's there. Then Mike asks Nicole if she has anything to say, so she gives him a thank-you through gritted teeth. Pauly and Vinny rave about the stroller, but Snooki just glares. Then Mike tells them his news: that he's going to ask Paula out by writing it on a shirt. Everyone is super happy about it and wants to see it happen. Except Snooki, I guess. She probably doesn't care. Vinny, Pauly and Ron are up on the roof hanging out and Morgan (the girl who flashed them in the premiere) shows up yelling Pauly's name. She starts flashing them again. Vinny says it was a slow night until she showed up with her boobs. She waves bye and they go back to their hot tub and beer pong.

Inside, Sam asks Jenni how she's doing with the Roger thing and Jenni's pretty upset. She says it's been two days since he pushed her and she was hoping she'd hear from him. She thinks he could be moving out by now, for all she knows. Snooki says she loves Roger (ew! Be a friend. He pushed your friend down and BROKE HER BONE), but he pisses her off sometimes. I am trying to pretend I don't already know that Roger and Jenni are still together and hoping that she ends up kicking him out for this. Because I really did think she was the cool, tough, smart one until now. Ugh.

Jenni and Snooki head to the doctor to check on her fracture and Jenni says she feels like she's parting the Red Sea. Snooki (and everyone): "What does that mean?" Jenni says she feels like the guy who did that had a cane (and Jenni has metal crutches, so you can see where she'd make that leap? No?). Whoever that guy was that did that. Jesus? Of course, she's talking to Snooki, so no laughing at her or correcting her. It's like the dumb leading the dumb. Snooki tells us again how fun it is to have a disabled buddy. They stop on the way to the doctor to look at wheelchairs. Snooki thinks they're awesome and can't wait until she's old. Because she knows it will be so much easier to have one. She buys both of them, because "Why not?"

Deena, Pauly and Mike head to the Shore Store for work. There's more build-up about Mike asking Paula to be his girl. All the roommates are coming for moral support, he says. He's working on making the shirt now. He says he needs to ask her out in an extremely cool way. He makes a red tank-top that says "Let's make it official!" He's going to wear it under a button-up shirt and unbutton like Clark Kent. Mike spent all this time at work making himself a personal item, so he goes to take a break. Danny puts "I like men" on the back of the shirt. Pauly thinks it's hilarious that "Sitch is finally coming out of the closet." Mike pulls the shirt out before he leaves the store and swears a lot. He makes his shirt again.

Ironically, Ron has to inform Snooki where the jail is. You'd think she'd know, right? But I guess she's usually too drunk when she's here. When they pull up, Deena's parents are there. The gang tries to explain she just had a lot to drink, but her parents are freaking out. (Um, do they not know how she makes her giant income?) The gang leaves and Ron says Deena effed up by calling her parents instead of her roommates. But she comes out and they hug each other, and she's super-happy to see them. She says that being arrested is not fun and she cried the entire time. Back at the house, Deena explains to her mom that she was having fun and then got arrested with no warning. Her mom tells her that it goes pretty quickly from fun to not fun. She lectures that there's no reason to be this drunk in the afternoon. Her mom tells her that if this happens again, the judge isn't going to go, "Oh Deena. You had a Meatball day." Deena cries, and interviews that she feels bad she put her parents through this. Her parents walk away with faith their message got through.

The crew stops to get her a card on the way home. So, MVP gets home with the stroller before they get there. Everyone fills MVP in on Deena's arrest. Snooki gives Deena a "Congratulations, you're officially a Meatball" card. And Vinny adds, "And you'll be pregnant." When the gang cooks Sunday dinner, Snooki tells them all she's having hot flashes. She puts frozen food all over her body, which Ron says is the best way to thaw something out.

Deena and Snooki are out on the downstairs porch, and Mike tries to get them to come upstairs to see his gift, but she won't go. He even tells her he got her something, but she still won't go upstairs. He goes inside and tells everyone how she reacted, so Ron goes outside and she tells him to ask Mike not to talk to her. Mike tells her it's a carriage, but whatever. He says Ron can go up there; he doesn't have to. She says this isn't going to make anything better, but she freaks out when she sees it because she does love the stroller and can't believe he got it for her. She asks Ron why he did this, and Ron says he doesn't know how to apologize like a normal human being so this is his way. She thinks it's nice he's trying, but she's irritated he's going about it the wrong way and wonders how to say, "Thanks. You're a douche."

Doctor. Jenni says she's going to the orthopedic surgeon this time. He asks what happened and she says, "I fell at Bamboo. Well, I got pushed at Bamboo. And I fractured my navicular." He says he'd like to figure this out before they diagnose her. He pushes on her a bunch and tells her she doesn't have any broken bones and is probably not going to need her wheelchair, or a cast, or a boot or anything. Snooki's mad, and the surgeon is like, "You wanted her to have a broken foot?" Snooki, unapologetically: "Yeah." Jenni's relieved she can go back to enjoying Seaside with two legs. But Snooki still wants to rock their wheelchairs.

It's time for Paula and Mike's big date. All the roomies go, but Mike asks for them to sit separately, because he thinks it will be more special with just the two of them. Vinny can't believe he's going to be witness to this monumental moment: "Situation is going to be wifed up." Mike and Paula make small talk about their day, as the roomies watch and think he's sweating a little bit. Mike opens his shirt and Paula doesn't say anything. Ron says she just sits there and says nothing, and then he says he didn't even know she could read. I mean, that's fair. I thought maybe she had a vision or perhaps a comprehension problem, given that she's stuck around this long. Mike asks what she thinks and MTV cuts to commercial. SUSPENSE. Speaking of commercials, I actually want to see Catfish. I mean, the movie was good. And it looks like it could make for some genuinely happy and horrifying moments.

After the break, Paula accepts Mike's offer and gives him a hug. Mike obnoxiously interviews that hearts are breaking across America because The Situation's off the market. Vinny says Mike and Paula are perfect for each other, because they are both space cadets, say the stupidest shit ever and have the attention span of a goldfish. Ah, romance. He asks her about her lip ring, which she says has been there since he met her. He tells her they've come a long way and she says she can't imagine being with anyone else. Then she says she wants a house, a puppy, kids and marriage. He's like, "WTF, girl. Chill." He tells her she's thinking too far ahead and she's like, "Obviously. I'm not giving you my ovulation schedule or anything." Mike calls for the check, which is hilarious. They leave Rivoli's, which has a big "Ron Ron Juice" sign under it. Ron says now the fighting will start and he's basically right. As soon as they get back to the house, Paula wants to go in the Smoosh room, and tells the whole house they're going to have sex. So Mike isn't feeling it -- he says she's either too excited or has no filter -- and tells her he wants to sleep in his own bed. They actually just go to sleep.

morning, Jenni's had a sleepless night because she hasn't talked to Roger in four days and is worrying about what he's thinking and why he isn't calling; are they done? She calls him and gets his voicemail. She leaves a message that she's upset about what happened, but she loves him. She tries to go back to bed, because she's anxious. Paula gets up and they kiss each other goodbye. Mike's boxing trainer comes over, and he fills him in on how crazy she went after finding out they were official. He compares her to a cheese pizza that suddenly has pepperoni on it, and then tells the trainer he's going to chalk it up to the first-day jitters. Really? Has Mike never been in a relationship? But he says he'd be pretty excited to go out with him too.

Silent close-up of quiet Duck Phone. Jenni's stressing out. Sam's like, "You called him, didn't you?" She says they just need to talk, but Jenni says he won't. She says it's to a point where she can't hide this anymore and she starts crying. She says she's the one who's supposed to be mad at him. Sam says she can be mad and he can be mad and they can work through it. Except, you know, he pushed her. (I am relieved her foot isn't broken, though.) Jenni wonders if she did something terrible that night that she can't remember. Vinny comes in and asks what's going on. The girls ask his perspective, as a guy, and Vinny says this might be the straw that broke the camel's back; it might be one too many fights for him. He always knows what to say. She cries a bunch. It just makes me mad. Jenni can't believe she doesn't even get a "Go F yourself" call after two years. Ron tells Jenni to let him settle down. Sam says, "Listen, I punched Ron in the face. He destroyed my room. Like, shit happens. You work through it." That's right, ladies and gentlemen. This is our example of a "functional" couple on this show. Ron says Roger's 49 years old. Everyone chuckles, but is he joking? I mean, I don't disbelieve that.

Jenni goes to call Roger again and he answers. He starts yelling at her immediately, because he wonders if she doesn't need attention on her crutches. He tells her the biggest fight he had was with her, grabbing him by the throat and then throwing a drink in his face. Then he asks why she was yelling "Fight, fight, fight" in his ear if she then wanted to stop him from fighting. She sort of explains that she wanted him to help his friends, but not fight and she was trying to calm him down. He says if she thinks throwing a drink in his face will calm him down, she doesn't know him at all and they're going nowhere. She interviews that it scared her that he was this mad and not apologizing at all. So she tells him she doesn't know where they're at. He tells her to have her fun this summer, because she moves away to live with her friends every few months anyway. He says at her age it's okay to live it up, but he's worked too hard for what he has. I feel like there must be some deep-seated fights here about how she leaves to go make money by partying and he resents it. Which I do get. And I think that she probably was instigating the fighting, then trying to stop him. I do not think it justifies him pushing her at all, but I feel a tiny bit less livid about it now that I know more and now that her foot isn't broken (although she does tell him it is fractured, which is funny). She's like, "So this is it?" And that's the end. So, their relationship is the big cliffhanger. I guess we'll pretend to care.

week: Snooki cooks at her new place. Pauly and Vinny prank Deena, but it seems like she doesn't really think it's funny. Shocker.

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, cannot bring herself to watch Jersey Shore: After Hours. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.