Previously: Does it really matter? You already know MTV is going to repeat all the "important" stuff. If you forgot, though, we are back at Bamboo, where Mike had a total stalker. That turned into a mild fight, but then a huge fight began. That's where we pick up: by repeating the beginnings of that fight that we were left hanging with last week (which, really, is unfair after four hours of monotony). Pauly D explains that "it's nuts," with Roger laying out bouncers and stuff. Vinny's actually trying to get into the middle of it, it looks like, and Ronnie is holding people back. Which is the opposite of what I've come to expect from these two. And JWOWW is still in Roger's face trying to stop him from ... laying out bouncers, I guess. Which is when he totally horribly, disgustingly pushes Jenni. To her credit, she says she's effing livid. She gets up and throws her drink in his face, which is awesome. She says she didn't do it to be malicious, but to tell him, "Check yourself. Seriously."
Ron, the voice of reason, decides everyone needs to get out of here. Like now. Roger takes off, pulls away from Jenni, and she chases him down the street. When it should really be the other way around. He should be the one begging for forgiveness. He talks to his fighting friend from last week about how chicks have no business being involved when boys are fighting. Jenni interviews excuses of how he doesn't know his own strength, and then tells him she's not mad at him. I mean, he totally didn't know it was her, you guys. This is gross. Please, America, if you are watching this, explain to any young girls who might see it that this is really not okay. Jenni and Deena do end up taking off and leaving Roger there with his friend, though. And they seem to be just as puzzled about who was fighting at Bamboo as we all were. All that Jenni knows for sure is Roger was fighting, and then he launched her across the club. She says he was going to swing at her, and seven bouncers had to stop him. Deena, a terrible friend, tells her that she doesn't think he'd really do that, because he loves her. Though she interviews later that a guy shouldn't hit a girl. How is this not a black and white issue?
Back at the Shore House, Ron asks if he can call Roger, and Jenni says okay, but she doesn't want to speak to him. Ron tells her to stop, and calls Roger. He says he's worried Roger might have gotten arrested, and that can't be happening because he has a job and everything. So Roger answers and talks shit about Jenni -- how now she's "playing the victim," which ... just no. Her boyfriend, as she'd say, "legit" pushed her. She is actually not acting upset or angry enough about this, if you ask me. Or anyone who believes in basic human rights. Roger tells Ron he's done coming to Seaside. He's too old for this. Which is true. I mean, most of these people are. But Ron thinks he's just angry. He gets off the phone and tells everyone just that, and Sam's like, "This (meaning Roger being mad) is so not good for Jenni and Roger." I guess, having been in a semi-abusive relationship herself, she would see it that way. But what wasn't good for the relationship was Roger pushing his girl. And that should be the end of story. If only Jenni had one friend - or family member -- who'd tell her this. But MTV isn't helping, as it plays sad, love-lost music over Jenni going into her bed. Because a girl without a meathead boyfriend is the saddest thing in the world, don't you know?
morning, everyone's still in bed when Snooki gets up to head over and visit them. That is right: Snooki is the first one awake. The world is insane. Oh, and Jenni's limping, and she fills Snooki in on her boyfriend pushing her. Snooki: "Shut up." Dare I hope she'll be the good friend who will tell Jenni that this is so not okay? But she doesn't say much so far. She just wants to get Jenni to the doctor to check out her hurt ankle. Because, you know, she can't go out with a hurt foot. In the car on the way, Jenni says she's angry he didn't apologize, and Snooki's like, "Maybe it was the adrenaline." So, yeah, she's not so much going to be the feminist we all need. Ron and Sam end up in a fight about this, because he is taking Roger's side: A girl should be nowhere near a brawl, because if she gets hit by a guy, it's over. Sam says that the girls want to protect their guys from fighting. I don't disagree, really, that Jenni shouldn't have jumped in the middle of a crazy fight. BUT that does not justify him pushing her. Ever. Nothing does. The end. (I wish.)
As they walk to the doctor, Snooki tells JWOWW she looks like her, all drunk and hung-over and in pain. And she interviews that she knows Jenni can be a little dramatic, but since she's been taking care of her for years, she's going to return the favor. At the doctor, Snooki secretly hopes Jenni gets hurt so she'll have a non-partying friend. She goes in for an X-ray and they ask if there's any chance she's pregnant. Snooki: "No. She doesn't have sex." Which is the running joke of this season, apparently. Meanwhile, Snooki measure her height in the hall, and finds she has shrunk from 4'9" to 4'8". She's devastated, and Jenni fills us in that Nicole could totally qualify for disability now that she's that short. Jenni gets the news that she has a navicular fracture. (I had to look up the word "navicular" to find out how to spell it. Who would have thought there'd ever be a word I couldn't spell on this show? I feel bad about myself.) Anyway, she screams and laughs like she can't believe this is happening to her. Because she's just become the girl whose boyfriend broke her bone. On television.
Snooki cheers a little bit that she has a disabled friend to hang out with. They're going to make her a custom splint for now, and she might ultimately need a cast. Snooki asks for a note from the doctor because all of the roomies are going to think she's exaggerating if she doesn't have proof. Jenni says her summer at Seaside on crutches is going to be super fun, and she might need surgery (which I didn't hear the doctor say, so she might actually be exaggerating). Now she's decided she won't call Roger, because she's mad she's the one on crutches.
The guys are all having lunch together and talking about how annoying Jenni is, and how they feel bad for Roger. They think she's definitely going to milk this. Ronnie is really proud of himself for saying that Jenni should have gone to Bitching University and graduated with a bitch-achelor's degree. He chuckles. I do not.
In case we didn't know that JWOWW is a big old drama queen, she talks about how she can't go to the club, can't go to the gym, can't go tanning. Which she says is everything she knows in her life, on feet. It's all gone. She is in mourning. All the girls are home to hear what happened, and they all feel for her. Especially when they find out she has to be on crutches for four to six weeks. Deena actually thought she was just being dramatic. Sam thinks it's messed up that Roger broke her foot. THANK YOU.
The guys get home, and Sam and Deena tell them what happened. They all think she's milking it. Vinny makes fun of how she was trying to punch Roger, and now feels like she was the injured party. Deena and JWOWW have a deep talk about what this means for her relationship. She doesn't know whether she should break up with him. She is just shocked, and hates that this had to happen at all, because she doesn't know how to deal with it. Which makes sense. It's not like any of these people has a proper education or has been taught how relationships should work, and how men should treat women. Or at least there is no evidence to indicate that.
Now that all the drama's over - for now - tonight the crew is going to Karma. Do they have a required number of nights that they have to visit the clubs for this show? Or do they really like to party this hard? Jenni has decided she's going to Karma with her busted leg and getting wasted. Snooki has decided that she's going to Karma, too, but she promises it won't be like before - with her all drunk and showing her cooka. She's going to just sit in the back, and be disabled with Jenni together. Oh, and P.S., all of Vinny's family is here. And so is Deena's boy, Chris. She's Jersey Turnpiking with him. Of course. Snooki says she really wants to be drinking. She thinks that summer she'll be dancing on bars again, but she will try not to show her cooka because she's a mom now. But, she acknowledges, it does slip out sometimes. "It happens."
Vinny's Uncle Nino is all over Jenni, and everyone's laughing. Vinny says he's the uncle you don't want to leave your kids around. Obviously. Jenni says being drunk is masking the pain of both Roger and her ankle. Ladies are hitting on Mike, and Jenni tells all the ladies that he's got a girlfriend. Ryan - Roger's angry friend from Bamboo - asks Mike why Jenni's such a bitch. Mike says he's single, and he and chicks love each other, but he does walk away because the last thing he wants to do is hurt Paula. Everyone at the club pressures Mike to drink, and he says that he's a ripped up dude like Rambo who can jump and kick like Van Damme, so it's not a good idea to mess with him. Right. Just ask that wall in Italy.
Mike's about to get in a fight with someone, but he doesn't - despite Ryan egging him on. What is with this guy? Anyway, Mike heads home and talks about how he's just dealing with being the guy who goes out and can't drink. I know it's weird, but I'm sort of proud of him. I mean, finally at 150, he's grown up. I think I need therapy. He gets home, and no one else is there. He calls Paula and tells her that he got home, and didn't have a good time at all. He says he wanted to fight everybody because he was in a bad mood. He asks her to come over, and she says she will. Mike goes to bed, and everyone else gets home. Deena changes her clothes, and wants to keep drinking. She ends up popping her big blue ball, and drunk Ron and Sam crack up at her. She crawls inside the blue ball, and does the drunkest poetry in the world about losing her best ball. Paula arrives, and Pauly D takes her up to Mike, which he says is the perfect gift for Mike after his rough night. She rubs his back, as he says he's had a rough night and Paula's been there through thick and thin. morning, Paula gets up and leaves.
Then Deena gets up, still drunk it seems, and asks Sam to be her new Meatball. But Sam won't come, so Deena goes out by herself. She doesn't even get dressed or brush her hair. She just heads out to find a new Meatball. She starts taking shots with random girls, and tells them they have to dance. "That's what a Meatball does." She says no one auditioning is really that good at this. But you've got to deal with what you got. Did anyone think there was something Snooki might be good at that no one else is capable of?
Back at the house, Mike gets a delivery of chocolates from Paula, and decides he needs to take himself off the market and declare Paula his girlfriend. Vinny says there might be a Mrs. Situation. "I feel sorry for that girl." Mike says Paula found the combination to his heart: good sex and chocolate.
At the bar, Deena goes from dancing on the bar to bawling her face off about how much she misses Nicole. People are like, "Awww." But I think it's because they think Deena's, like, mentally challenged. Let's keep in mind that it is still morning. At least in their world, since they just woke up. Deena's a train wreck. MTV must be thankful Deena came along in time to replace Snooki during her pregnancy. Deena heads to the boardwalk, because she wants to get another giant blue ball to replace the one she popped last night. She wins it, and kisses the carnie running the booth.
morning, Snooki heads over to the Shore House. Jenni fills Snooki in on what happened after she left: She found a wheelchair and danced around in that. Snooki says she doesn't know why Jenni's being so fun without her. "She's so annoying." Speaking of being fun without Snooki, Deena's walking her ball (no, really) down the boardwalk. She stops at the Shore Store, and Danny asks why she's by herself and who let her out of the house like that. He offers her a coffee, but she doesn't want one. She wants alcohol, so she gets to take an employee to audition to be a Meatball. They go to party it up.
Ron and Sam finally wake up and head out to find Deena. They find her at Spicy's. Ron says she's "beyond gone. I'm talking space cadet gone." He says she doesn't know where she is, and is speaking baby Lorenzo language right now. That is a total insult to Snooki's unborn child. Sam says, "Our Meatball is back!"
Deena stumbles and falls flat on her face in the bar. Her new Meatball friend, Steve, from the Shore Store picks her up. Sam says she can't even understand what Deena's saying. She heads out into the middle of the road, and Steve tries to get her from going in the street. Ron heads out to look for her, and Sam's like, "Are you leaving me?" Really, Sam? You don't think Deena needs more help. So Ron just looks and sees her and goes back to sit with his whiny girlfriend. But then Steve comes and tells them she's running around in the street, so Ron heads out. But, before he gets there, she gets arrested. Ron runs back to tell Sam, as Deena keeps asking the cops why she's in trouble. She cries that she doesn't want to be in trouble. They tell her she can't block traffic by dancing in the street. She cries she didn't do anything wrong, and they said she did by being extremely drunk and dancing in the street. She says she didn't know and is sorry, and the cop - who is extremely patient - tells her it's okay. They take her away in the cop car. And, it's official: She is the new Snooki. Thank God. I mean, bad for her overall in life. But good for our temporary entertainment. Because it sure beats her whining and crying about her boyfriend Chris all the time.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, logically knows she should want these people to grow up, but prefers them immature and partying hard on TV. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.