When the night's second episode begins (can we stop having two hours soon?), Snooki and Jionni eat at a diner and she worries he's going to get hit on while he's in Florida. She tells him she's insecure because her body's weird right now, but he tells her not to be because she's pregnant. The guys, meanwhile, hang out on Snooki's porch while she's gone. When they get back, Pauly and Ron greet Jionni and shake his hand, but Vinny just sits there. He interviews that if he shakes Jionni's hand, it's like saying, "Hey, I fucked your girl." So Jionni has to shake his hand first. Guido logic. Jionni leaves, and Vinny gives the other two crap about giving Jionni such huge, huggy greetings. This is the first time I've sort of hated Vinny.
JWOWW and Sam bring Snooki food, and she feels much less depressed about her fiancé going off to a UFC fight. Is he a fighter? He seems so mild-mannered. Snooki tells the girls she's thinking about all the pretty girls in Florida and how Jionni has a fat whale at home. She tells Sam and JWOWW not to talk about Jionni, so she won't think about it.
MVP are outside doing basketball trips. They head to the top deck, and some girl is topless, yelling "Pauly! Pauly!" on the boardwalk. Vinny and Pauly go back inside to tell everyone. Snooki and Deena run upstairs immediately, because "Me and D love to see other girls' boobs." They ask her to show her boobs and she does; then they ask her to show her vagina and she does that too. Snooki, at first, makes sense: "I'm like, 'This bitch is crazy.' " But then she adds, "But she's cool. She lives it up." What's craziest is that her face isn't blurred, which means they got her to sign a release. Back inside, Vinny and Pauly decide to go talk to her. They ask if she's a stripper and she says no. Vinny: "For a girl just running around showing her tits, she's not that bad. I mean, she's pretty gross. But not that bad." She tells them to call her, because she'd like them both. Then she flashes them again. They go inside and roll around on the floor laughing.
Mike tells the gang that Paula's met his mom. Then Vinny tells them a confession: He has a girl at home who is the reason he's being celibate. They all think it's crazy and they swear a lot, as if it's the biggest news in the world. And then Snooki tells us how cute this is that there's someone at home keeping Vinny from wanting to hook up with sluts.
Duck phone. JWOWW calls Roger and invites him to meet tonight. He says he has to leave at 10 because he has work tomorrow. She says he has no idea she's planning a surprise party, because you never plan that for the actual birthday. Vinny and JWOWW head to Party City and order a drop-off of balloons for the party. They all start getting ready for the party and head out. JWOWW asks Pauly to try not to make too many sex jokes. When they get there, all the balloons and everything are set up, so they eat some food instead of getting the party ready. They talk about whether they ever just play music and dance in the mirror. Pauly definitely does. So does Snooki. Mike, Deena and Sam leave the Shore Store and head home to get ready.
Jenni's really mad because Roger's an hour late and he has to leave by 10, which is in 40 minutes at this point. Someone brings a cake and sings before he arrives. Then he finally shows up and Jenni pouts. He apologizes and says he fell asleep. Vinny tells us that the fact is Roger's 80 and needs sleep, so he's going to miss some things. Roger asks her if she's going to make a bigger deal about this and JWOWW says this is the worst surprise birthday party ever. Then Roger jokes about how pissed he is that Mike, Deena and Sam are late to his party. Jenni won't stop pouting, so he moves to the table and it's a full-on fight. Jenni decides to turn her mood around.
Deena, Sam and Mike show up, and the Meatballs dance. Mike and Paula snuggle up. Sam and Ron crazy dance. Then Jenni, Deena and Sam all put balloons up their shirts and dance like they're pregnant to make Nicole feel better. Sam and Deena try to Jersey Turnpike, so Deena's like, "I better get all my Jersey Turnpiking in now." The party is in full effect by this point, so it's bull-riding time. Ron rides it first and falls right off. Deena says she's ready to "take the bull by the... thingy." Deena falls forward, and Snooki says it's typical meatball -- "All I see is ass in my face, and I'm like, 'You go, girl!' "
Shore Store. Snooki's on the ground, so Mike asks if she's okay or needs food. She asks him to leave her alone and tells him to stop asking. She says they're not friends, so just stop. He says he's just trying to be nice. He interviews that she's not saint either and is she really going to be that cold. He asks if she's going to hate him the rest of his life, and she says she doesn't hate him, but doesn't want to be friends with him. He asks, "Ever?" And she says, "Yes." She tells him that just because he's healthy and sober doesn't mean she's over it or forgiving him. He feels bad, because he thinks he's a different person and she knows how hard he's worked. He goes for a walk, and Danny tells Ron, "Nicole hurt his feelings."
After work, JWOWW asks Nicole if Mike's going to leave her alone now, and she thinks he will. She says that if he wants to talk about it, he should bring it up, admit he lied and apologize. JWOWW gets it. She is sick of him, too, with the whole pity party and the being clean thing. "I might literally snap." Not sure what she means by literally there, but whatever.
Ron, Mike Pauly hit the boardwalk and run into a big gang of Pauly's friends who are going to join them for drinks tonight. Meanwhile, JWOWW gets flowers from Roger at the Shore Store -- an apology for last night. He sent Ron one, too, but she got a dozen. Deena invites Danny on a Meatball-Sausage date and they run around on the boardwalk. Deena thinks he's pretty good at auditioning to be a Meatball. They're riding rides, playing games, drinking. She's having a blast and loving life. Danny tells her it's her third shift and she's already drinking. "You're corrupting me now." Pauly and his gang join them. Then Roger. Danny head out and Deena realizes he cannot be a true Meatball. Jenni arrives and says it's a good time, because everyone's smiling and happy. Until Deena gets a giant blue ball as a prize and falls down, then has to chase it around the boardwalk while everyone keeps taking it from her. JWOWW could never imagine one big blue ball could cause such chaos on the boardwalk. Ron makes a really trashy joke about Deena having blue balls on her face.
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Snooki tells everyone that her kid's name is going to be Lorenzo Lucious Lavell, so three Ls. Everyone makes fun. But that was just a teaser between commercials, because after that tiny scene, we're back with a condom commercial. At least it's appropriate advertising for this show.
Vinny and Pauly are all into their new hangout. They like to kick it on Snooki's porch. She wakes up and wonders why they're here. They're just home on a break from the bar crawl, which everyone is on. Snooki's mad that everyone's having a bar crawl now that she's pregnant. She wants to hang out with them, but can't take the risk because they're going to Bamboo, where fights always happen. She reminds us that Sam got jumped there last year. Everyone makes their way home from the bar crawl to, I guess, get ready for Bamboo. Deena can barely fit her giant blue ball through the door, and everyone is wasted. Pauly predicts they'll carry Deena home since she's already drunk. Jenni asks if they're going out now and Roger's like, "Yeah. The sooner we go out, the sooner we can come back and not have sex." Burn! Everyone pretties up and heads out.
Bamboo. Everyone's hanging out having fun, when some random guy walks up to Mike and says he knows him and they hung out. Mike says he probably wasn't sober, and he doesn't remember it. The guy follows Mike around and says they're friends on Facebook. Mike says he has five million Facebook friends, but the guy keeps on pushing and pushing. Finally, Pauly steps in and tells him to let them chill. Then one of Pauly's friends jumps in and says he's angry now and will fuck these people up. Mike interviews that now he has his own stalker. And it's a dude. Stalker dude approaches the friend who's angry and looking for a fight, and says that he went to high school with Mike. CREEPER. Angry friend doesn't care, because he was making Mike uncomfortable. Roger asks him to just take a walk, and then Angry Friend tells him that he asked him four times to take a walk. He asks Roger to hold his water, and Stalker Dude tells him if he was to fight him one on one, he'd kick his fucking ass. Angry Friend says you know who he's not going to beat up? Him. They get really close to each other like they're going to make out, and Stalker Dude says Angry Friend doesn't have balls, man. Then Angry Friend grabs Stalker Dude and throws him. Roger just looks like, "Well, here we go." And... finally an actually somewhat suspenseful commercial break. Good job building to something, MTV. It only took FOUR HOURS. That said, I'm not sure this guy wasn't paid by MTV to instigate. But at least it's something.
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MTV knows when it has a good thing, so it shows the start of the fight again. But the fight's over and Jenni actually felt like Angry Friend (Ryan) was doing the right thing for a change. Everyone relives this non-fight and Ron and Sam hug. Jenni feels like the problem's solved and no one else will try to fight them. Then, all of a sudden, people start fighting and Pauly uses the word "melee" correctly. Sam and Ron can't find each other for a second, though they are staying out of it. So are Pauly, Vinny and sober Mike. The bouncers are holding everyone back and Jenni's trying to hold Roger back, because she doesn't want him to get in trouble. He basically is so fired up that he pushes Jenni out of the way by the neck. Not cool. She's yelling at Roger, and rightfully.
week: Injuries, drunkenness, and someone's getting arrested. Hey, at least it won't be Snooki for a change.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks the number of fights on this show is directly proportionate to the amount of steroids used. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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