Previously on We All Grew Up And The Oompa Loompa Got Preggers: Snooki got pregnant and she hates Mike for telling her boyfriend they hooked up. Because he was totally lying. Except probably not. Also, Deena's lost her freaking mind. Mike's rehabbed. Vinny's celibate. Now: Snooki is packing up to move door to her own apartment. Everyone acts like it's a big deal, but it really isn't. Pauly and JWOWW help her move and they sort of want to stay, basically because the place isn't disgusting. And, now, ladies and gentlemen, the brilliant JWOWW: "It's definitely insane to me that the girl who I met four years ago, who hooked up with every guy in the house, showed her cooka, peed on herself, pissed on me, is going to be responsible for another human being." Word. Pauly and JWOWW sit on the couch and wish they were pregnant. Snooki says her friends are welcome in the house, but no sluts, skanks or smoking. "You know, kind of like a pregnancy house." I mean, those are the basics of any good birth center.
door, Mike calls his sister, Melissa, to inform her (or us, I guess?) that he's going to get a shot that blocks opiates and pain-killers. He doesn't really want to get it, because it apparently hurts and is a reminder that he fucked up. But she reminds him that he and their family went through hell and back and really want him to stay clean. He says he's getting this shot for himself, but also to show others that he's serious about his sobriety and doesn't want to turn back. Am I the only one who thinks this might be a publicity stunt to get people to hate him less?
Duck phone. Deana calls her boyfriend, Chris, and whine-invites him to come over for dinner and sleep over. Instead of vomiting, he says he'll be there.
Mike gets home from the doctor and tells Vinny how bad it went: It feels like a steak knife was stabbed in his ass. So, basically, a shot. Get over it. Then he calls himself a serious trouper for going to work after this. Vinny interviews that he's going through all this with Mike, which he thinks is really cool. Vinny, Mike and Sam go to work. Danny cuts Mike no slack. But just like drunk/high Mike, this Mike is a lazy ass who tries to shirk responsibilities. Vinny: "Mike is the king about not working." He's a little bit worried about Mike because Danny's on his ass so bad today. That's a lot of ass pain for one day.
Deena gets ready for her date and Snooki tells us how happy she is that Deena found a great guy and is happy. They have what passes for a deep talk amongst Meatballs, all about how much they love their boyfriends and how Deena's skinny and Snooki feels like a whale. Glad the editors didn't get rid of that scene. We might have missed a shot of Deena's crazy big and white teeth (what did she do to make them look so crazy? Are they dentures?).
Back at the Shore Store, Danny's still on Mike's ass, so Mike pouts and whines and eventually leaves. How does Danny make enough money to have this Jersey Shore gig? Did he just start out in the T-shirt and shore rental business and now he's a recurring reality star? I mean, that's not a bad business plan, really. Sign me up. I would love to be the guy who looks like a genius to the idiots on a reality show. When Mike takes off, Vinny (the youngest and most mature person on this show) tells Danny that's not good for Mike. But Danny's basically like, "We're all adults here." Vinny follows Mike home to go check on him. He's worried that someone with a recent drug problem could go off the deep end at a situation like that. Mike's lying in his bed and Vinny just tells him not to get worked up. He says he's really not worth it for the Shore Store. "There are a lot of T-shirt stores out there, Bro. We'll get you a job at Baby Gap."
Deena's date. She feels like it's the beginning of their relationship again (as opposed to the NINE LONG MONTHS it's actually been?), and she thinks this date will be "very romantical" [sic]. They talk about how he likes her to fart in front of him, and he denies it. It's very weird. Does Deena remember there are actually cameras on her? Then she tells him she can't wait to cuddle.
Back at the house, Chris and Deena arrive about the time Mike makes plans to hang out with Paula. The guys give Chris a bad time about being too nice to Deena or something. Then Ron and Sam play Deena and Chris on the world's coolest beer pong table. Pauly and Vinny just sit there and watch, looking bored. But not as bored as me. Do we really have to live through an entire season of this? JWOWW and Mike deep-talk about Paula. He talks about why he won't admit Paula's his girlfriend. He does think she's pretty serious, but JWOWW says she's going to ask Paula if she's his girlfriend. Deena says Mike should wife Paula up, because "Let's be real. There aren't that many class acts in Seaside." Truth.
JWOWW asks Paula if she changed her Facebook status to make it official, but she says she has not. Mike interviews that he definitely cares about Paula and doesn't want to disrespect her, but he also doesn't want to be taken off the market. Spoken like a 40-year-old Guido, all right. JWOWW asks Paula if she loves Mike and she just smiles. Awww. Run, Paula! Don't stop until you can't smell the tanning oil. After a commercial -- did you die from suspense? -- she tells JWOWW that Mike will tell her when they're in a relationship. He says she has a romantic, girly point of view and she asks what's wrong with a little romance. He says he actually likes it. Then they go to bed and snuggle. Clearly, Mike's matured. morning, Deena and Chris wake up and kiss goodbye. And then she says she's sick and heads to work. Paula and Mike wake up, and he calls her a cab. He interviews that he needs to decide whether he's in a relationship because it's only a matter of time before he hurts her or she walks away. "And I don't want neither."
Shore Store. Deena feels sick and is totally emotional. She goes to the bathroom and throws up. You know, it might be because she went off her diet and ate a bunch of rich food on her date. But Sam worries that they might have two pregnant Meatballs on their hands. Work day is over, so Deena goes home to lie down. She has shooting pains in her stomach, and thinks she has Toxic Shock Syndrome. Which she pronounces "Toxic Shock Shyndrome." JWOWW tells her she'd have to have a tampon in for a long time, and Deena says she left one in all day yesterday and then today. JWOWW's incredulous, but Deena tells her she took it out AND PUT IT BACK IN. Um, MTV is clearly not paying these people enough if they have to reuse tampons. Also, poor Chris. Deena says she doesn't know the symptoms, so JWOWW tells her to read the tampon pamphlet. As she does this, JWOWW voices over that Deena's a hypochondriac and is all worried just because she left her tampon in for 18 hours. "Every girl has been there." Which... really? I don't think I know anyone who has left a tampon in for 18 hours. Also: Am I really recapping this? Deena thinks she has TSS because it says you can have a rash that looks like a sunburn and she's already tan! Deena worries she'll die, but JWOWW says she won't let her. We can only hope she might die from this. But I see her in the "Coming Up" as we head into commercial, so no luck.
Deena survived the commercial break, so calls her mom and tells her she doesn't feel good. Her mom's response, "So you had a good night with Chris?" Deena says she did, but then she starts crying and says she's not herself and doesn't know why. Her mom lectures her in a total Italian mom voice. Deena says she's not like everybody else; she's not normal. But her mom says she is normal. Her mom tells her to go hang out with Sammi, which Deena says she's going to do. They head out to the lower deck to chat on the picnic table. Sam doesn't like seeing Deena like this, and really just misses the happy and fun Deena that she knows. Sam gets where Deena's coming from, because she's cried a lot in the house, too. Deena doesn't know how she'll be able to be a meatball by herself. Sam: "I will do my best to be a meatball." Ron comes out and pouts that Sam's not ready to go to dinner, so she goes upstairs and gets ready. He's still pouting when she's all done up and they head out. They old-school Ron-and-Sam fight in the car on the way there. This is such an unhealthy relationship. Ronni is borderline abusive.
Vinny and Pauly head to Snooki's apartment and she squeals at them. Pauly and Vinny take time to admire her boobs and ask if she'll be okay on her date. Snooki: "It's the baby daddy!" Vinny: "Who?" Snooki: "Jionni!" They leave, and Jionni shows up in sweats with a box of Capri Suns, which he unpacks and lines up individually in the fridge while Snooki waits in her pretty dress for a date.
Date From Hell. Ron's mad at Sam, so she keeps explaining how bad it was with Deena. He doesn't believe it's that bad, and says Deena's just infatuated with her boyfriend. Sam says she used to be like that with Ron and Ron's like, "Eventually, Chris is not going to want that." Sam looks sad, but she needs to say: "Or maybe he's not a roid-raging future domestic abuser like you, Ron?"
In between commercials, there's a weird little clip (deleted scene?) where Pauly and Vinny race Jenni and Snooki in their Cadillac Escalades. Because Pauly's been driving Cadillac's his whole life. But, really, spare us the deleted scenes. The season so far is bad enough that half the scenes should have been deleted.
Jionni and Snooki walk to Steaks Unlimited, a diner. Snooki says Lorenzo's hungry so she needs cheeseballs. She asks if they'll be almost married by summer and he jokes, "With or without the cheese on your lip?" Then he says it depends on how quickly she wants to get married after the baby. He asks if she wants a September wedding, and she gets all excited. Okay, they've actually somehow developed into a healthy couple. Who would have thought back when she was drunkenly chasing him through the cobblestones in Italy. After their date, they walk back and talk about her growing nipples (he'd like her to keep this to herself). She interviews that this is her idea of a best night now, when it used to be getting super drunk and acting crazy.
Everyone else is at Captain Hook's, which is having karaoke. They are all awful singers. JWOWW signs Mike up to sing Amy Winehouse's song, "Rehab," and hopes he won't get mad about it. They call him up and Vinny's like, "Please don't get mad, please don't get mad." Mike looks around, which is when they make their super-duper suspenseful cut to commercial. After the commercial, even Pauly's worried whether Mike will flip out or sing "Rehab." Everyone cheers him on, and the song starts. He doesn't start singing right away, but then he does and everyone is happy and laughing. I have to say, it's kind of awesome to see the gang liking each other. Vinny: "Mike singing period is funny. Mike singing 'Rehab' is amazing." Although I guess not quite as amazing as -- oh, I don't know -- Amy Winehouse singing it. Lots of interviews from everyone about how much everyone likes Mike now, and how happy he is that the roommates support him and are here for him. He says not many people can get out of the fire, and he didn't even know if he could get out.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thought only teenagers worried about Toxic Shock Syndrome. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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