I'll spare you the previouslies. If only MTV had been as thoughtful, considering they aired these episodes back to back. Instead, I'll jump right in. The gang is still at Karma. Deena's boyfriend shows up and she can't wait to introduce him to everyone. Vinny says everyone's having fun, but it's weird without Snooki. Meanwhile, she's eating off of Jionni's plate just like any pregnant lady. She asks if she's boring or just responsible and he says they're having a baby so she's asking the wrong person. He sweetly tells her to make sure no one comes in and jumps on her when they're drunk. She says that will piss her off. Then she decides she's going to ask Danny for her own place this summer. She'll even work every day if he'll give her one.
Karma. MVP are dancing and having a good time. Ron and Sam are fighting. Something about Sam not liking to eat before she goes out and drinks and Ron worrying she's going to get too bombed. Jenni thinks Ron shouldn't drink if he wants to stay with Sam, because when he's drunk he thinks he's in the worst relationship in the world. Ron proves his point, by telling Sam that he doesn't need to be with her; he has a million girls who can do what she does. Pauly says summer's officially started, because Ron and Sam are fighting. Did MTV get them back together so that this boring season would have some drama? Even though it's the worst drama this show ever has to watch. Because... seriously, who cares? Sam isn't drunk and isn't going to fight back. JWOWW says drunk Ron thinks Sam is the devil and that everyone is against him, especially Sam. "This isn't the first time, and it won't be the last." Oh, can it be... please?
Mike philosophizes that he is watching Vinny and Pauly, from his sober perspective, and he's thinking they aren't making good decisions and wonders if he's going to have to save them. Then he wonders if he wasn't making such good decisions, "but then we all know I wasn't." Is it weird that sober Mike sounds smart? Could he possibly be?
Snooki and Jionni walk back to the Shore House and say goodbye. Snooki feels really alone with everyone out at the club and she just wishes Jionni was here 24-7. Back at the club, Deena is drunk and freaks out because Vinny is talking to Chris. She butts in and says, "You're not going to buy furniture from him!" Vinny's like, "I'm not," and Deena yells, "No!" Is that a euphemism? But then Vinny interviews that the greatest thing about Chris is that he works at a furniture store and Vinny just bought a house, so he needs furniture. Then Deena starts crying, which puzzles Vinny and pretty much anyone watching. Even her boyfriend. But Deena feels like Vinny is making fun of Chris. Mike is completely puzzled. He says he has no idea why this chick is crying, but it seems pretty serious. "She seems like the world's ending right now." Okay, sober Mike is actually pretty funny. Deena apologizes to Chris for freaking out, but he tells her he loves her for wanting to protect him. She interviews that she's seen people disrespect other people's boyfriends and she doesn't want it to happen to him. But what about Roger? No one disrespects that guy.
After a commercial break, Deena cries to Chris that she's having a really hard time here. He handles her really well, telling her he didn't want this to happen, but that she doesn't need to be sorry; he just doesn't want her to feel this way. Pauly finds a girl who has a cute friend, so Mike decides to be a good wingman by picking that girl up. He gives her a weird kiss on her face that creeps me out. They all head out. I barely noticed Roger was here, because he is creating no drama. There's lots of crying all the way home by Deena, which Pauly thinks is ridiculous, because Chris lives five minutes away and is here visiting her. They stop for some snacks, and Mike says he's actually having more fun sober than he ever had drunk. Pauly's proud of him. They all sit and wait while Deena says goodbye to Chris, who can't stay because he has to work in the morning. They walk home, and Vinny tells Deena she's turning a positive thing into a negative thing and she needs to stop doing that. Huh. Is Vinny sober, too?
Back at the house, JWOWW tells Roger she just wants to snuggle. Drunk Ronnie body-slides down the stairs because he's stolen someone's blanket. Upstairs, Mike tells Pauly that he talked to his girl, who told him that Pauly's girl has her period. But he enunciates HER and sort of whispers "iod," so it almost sounds like "herpes." Which is what Pauly's reaction makes me think, too, until Mike interviews that there is a rule against having sex with a girl on her period. Unless it's your girlfriend. So, Mike has to get rid of the girls. They tell them they're going to call them later, but they probably aren't. After the girls are gone, Mike and Pauly high-five about their "good exit."
morning, Mike wakes up feeling really good. Others grumble about their heads hurting and Mike sure doesn't miss that. Deena and JWOWW fill Snooki in on the night. Snooki thinks Deena's crazypants for crying, because she is pregnant and not with her fiancée and she's not crying. Right. Because Snooki's never gotten drunk and cried for a stupid reason. Ron apologizes for being mean last night. He says he blacked out and that he hates being that drunk. It's miserable. Hey, does everyone else notice that Mike's happier than the rest of them now? What lesson does that teach them?
Mike, Sam and Ron go for a walk and Ron wonders how he hurt his leg. Mike has to fill him in on the nights. Ron can't believe Mike's the sober one, filling him in on the night. They sit down for lunch and compliment Mike for staying clean. They tell him they like him more than when they first met him. Ron interviews that it's awesome right now, and he hopes Mike can keep it up because this house can mess with you. Sam interviews that Mike being sober is a super positive thing.
Back at the house, Vinny's outside cleaning his shoes when Deena comes out to talk and apologize for crying so much. She tries to explain that Chris is her best friend and a part of her. Vinny's like, "He's not a part of you, though. You're two individuals." He tells her that's unhealthy. Not unhealthy in a fighting, Ron-and-Sam way, but unhealthy that she thinks she can't go on without him. Deena tells Vinny she has anxiety and a chemical imbalance, and he asks her to stop guessing that she has this or that. She asks if he likes Chris and he tells her to shut up. Which, let's face it, we all wanted to say.
Everyone's asking Snooki about her wedding plans (there are none). Vinny thinks he and Jionni should be friends, but she thinks maybe he shouldn't make jokes about being the father if he wants that. Vinny's like, "I don't make them to him." Yeah, he'd be a good friend. Ron asks what they have in common and Vinny says they're Eskimo brothers. Pauly explains to us that means you hooked up with the same chick. And he also explains that pretty much all of the guys in the house are Eskimo brothers. Nice. They move on to ask Snooki about Lamaze classes, and Vinny wants to go with her. She says no, because Ron is going. Vinny's like, "Come on! The joke's over. I'm not the father." But he seems legitimately dejected that he can't go with her. Um, why isn't Jionni going? He can come to take her on dates, but not to Lamaze? Vinny says that he and Nicole had sex for a half-second, but the mention pisses Snooki off. Mike realizes that if Vinny keeps this up, he might become Public Enemy No. 1 instead of The Situation.
day, Pauly, Deena and Snooki head to work at the store and they aren't even late; they're two minutes early. Snooki wants to make up for being a bad employee, and swears she's going to be really good this year. She talks to Danny about the possibility of living on her own, so she can get rest and stay healthy during her pregnancy. He says he has a couple other places, but most are taken. However, he happens to have the apartment right to their place available, so he's going to let her move in there. She thinks it's great that Danny understands and cares. She asks if she can go on break now and he's exasperated. "No! Make a sale."
The girls go to lunch and Snooki tells everyone she's pissed at Vinny. She also plans to tell Jionni about it all, because they're engaged. The girls give her advice on talking to Vinny about it. Snooki makes a trademark "My water broke" joke. And then they go shopping. Snooki wants these cute skinny clothes and Sam asks if they don't make them for pregnant women. Snooki: "Wait till you're pregnant. Maternity World is not cute."
Vinny and Mike hang out on the boardwalk, and Vinny asks about Mike's experience. They basically feel like they are on the same agenda, with Mike's sobriety and Vinny's anxiety: They both have to live in the moment to keep the dark stuff away. Mike says that Vinny connects with him on a level that's not GTL. What?! Is there something deeper than GTL for these fools?
Deena and JWOWW start drinking mid-day and Deena is thrilled she might have found her substitute meatball. Then JWOWW stumps Deena by using the word integrity. Basically, Deena thinks both "shame" and "integrity" mean the same thing. Jenni just laughs and lets Deena try to work it out in her head. She still hasn't worked it out in her camera interview later. She says it's very confusing. JWOWW asks the bartender if she knows what it is, and the bartender says it's, like, self-worth. Deena's like, "Like shame?" But, no. Deena thinks she gets it and then says you can go to school at a bar. Sam and Snooki walk toward the other girls, and Snooki says she's going to be pissed if Jenni drank with Deena because she would never do that mid-day with her. The suspense is building as they get closer to discovering she is drinking, so it's a good time for a commercial. MTV is really keeping us watching with these riveting, suspense-filled cuts to commercial.
Sunday dinner. Mike and Vinny are making a feast. Vinny says, "Pauly sets the table and just yells out random shit. That's what he considers cooking." Sam watches them cook and asks if they put the chicken back on the same pan they put it in when it was raw. Mike says these girls aren't going to become cooks after four summers. She asks more questions and Vinny tells her the answer is obvious. She gets mad about it, but I feel asleep while trying to care.
Dinner. Mike burns himself on a hot dish. They decide to tell stories, so JWOWW asks what it was like when they first had sex. Three of them first had sex in their car. Pauly and Mike are among them, so they fist-bump about it. Vinny says he's going to be celibate, and... crickets. Then Pauly says that's stupid. Vinny says he set a personal goal for himself. He can hang out with girls, but no sex. Then we find out Vinny masturbated in the shower that morning. Which we really don't need to know. Snooki tells them she has an announcement and Pauly's like, "What big announcement could she have? She's pregnant." She tells them she's thinking of getting her own place. Everyone looks serious, so we go to a commercial.
Snooki tells them again after the commercial. JWOWW is not prepared for this. Snooki says she wants to hang out, but she doesn't want to ask them to shut up or not bring home girls. She says she's just not comfortable living in a party house while she's six months pregnant. She says she was up for two hours after they got home the night. They all think it's understandable. Even Jenni, although it makes her sad to not have Nicole sleeping in the bed to her like she has been for six seasons. But they all realize it's Lorenzo who has to leave. She says not to give up her bed, though, because she might want to sleep there. Vinny thinks Snooki is growing up. And they sort of all are. Which is awesome, right? But not really that entertaining to watch.
time: Deena cries some more. Paula loves Mike. Blah. It's almost over.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, didn't think people could grow up at the Jersey Shore. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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