Last season: The drunks went back to Jersey, where they belong. Italy breathed a sigh of relief. Snooki peed on stuff. Roger defended JWOWW's honor. Vinny smartened up and went home for about five seconds. Mike told Jionni he and Snooki hooked up, and Snooki hated him. At the end of the summer, everyone loved each other except Mike. Now, Snooki tells us that everything's changed and things are going to get a little crazy. And by "crazy," she means throwing up with morning sickness instead of a hangover, shopping for baby clothes and eating even more pickles. Opening credits. I almost wish they would have updated each person's moment; do we really have to listen to Ron Ron's stupid laugh and Deena's "You like the boobs?" for an entire season? Oh, well. At least it's the last.
We open in Manalapan, New Jersey, where The Situation apparently eats chicken with his family. He fills us in that, since we last saw him, he's been to rehab. It was basically the worst experience of his life (even worse than sleeping with all those grenades, Mike? Really?), but he's the cleanest and healthiest he's been since he was 21 or so. Which was, what, 30 years ago? I mean, he might think he's healthy, but he doesn't look any better than before. Luckily for him, Paula's stuck around. God knows why though, as he tells us they've been hanging out four seasons so far, but she's not his girlfriend or anything. "Who knows what's going to happen?!" In other words: Things might get crazy for this sober, not-admitting-he's-committed, 50-year-old.
Poughkeepsie. Snooks trips while walking into her parents' house and makes a miscarriage joke. Hilarious. She is worried going to the Shore won't be as fun pregnant. She tells us that pregnancy has changed her. Flashback to drunken idiocy: making out with Deena, showing her "cooka" while dancing and getting arrested for public drunken idiocy. Now she says she "did, like, a whole 180 -- I think it's called?" So being around people drinking really upsets her, because she wants to be drunk, too. "I still know how to have fun. It's just like a different fun. For now." She drives off in a crazy black and pink truck and tells us she's still going to be there in spirit. Uh, Snooks? You got "doing a 180" right. But "in spirit"? Not so much. Unless her driving away in that tacky truck is just a fake-out by those wacky MTV producers and she's actually heading off to spend her pregnancy somewhere with a lower risk of second-hand drunkenness. You know, like a bar or something.
JWOWW, meanwhile, has moved in with Roger. He's not that happy about her going off to the shore and she agrees he wouldn't be allowed to get a shore house with his buddies. Double standards are cool. But what does he want her to do? Get a real job? She tells us they're doing great. "Same shit, different toilet." Awww. Is Hallmark watching? We get to relive last season's fight. Roger just wants to settle down and get married and have kids, but she keeps leaving. She snits back: "Where's my ring?" Foreshadowing? Do we care?
Mike stops to buy fixings for dinner -- including a giant pickle for Snooki -- so he can show the roommates he wants to start this summer off on the right foot. Meanwhile, Snooki calls JWOWW and tells her that she hasn't spoken to Mike and doesn't want to. If he touches her, she'll go into premature labor. So, we get that Snooki's new thing is joking about miscarriage and labor. Pregnancy has changed her so much, you guys. Mike continues his drive -- in a surprisingly not-tacky Jeep -- and admits that even he wonders how he's going to behave this summer.
Ron and Sam are together again -- at least for the show. They both think things are better now and it's all about communicating without having roid rage. Which can be hard for Ron, but he's working on it. In the car, he tells her: "I'm not looking forward to living with a pregnant chick, to be honest." Another classy line, especially to the girl you may end up living with while she's pregnant with your baby someday. He then talks shit about JWOWW (she might complain more than Snooki pregnant) and says this is going to get worse when he gets drunk.
Pauly and Vinny talk on the phone as Pauly drives toward the Shore. They are going to give Mike another chance to be in MVP, now that he's clean. Vinny explains what he happened last season, when he headed home with exhaustion. Vinny's at his mom's, eating at her tiny kitchen table, with a cat. I love Vinny's family. Example: He tells his mom and sister that he was thinking, if Nicole and Jionni don't work out, he'll help her raise the baby. Vinny's mom: "Why not? You love her." Cute. Except a mother should probably want more for her child.
Deena, meanwhile, is a whole new person. Or, rather, she's lost a few pounds and straightened her hair. She doesn't know who she'll play with now that the two drunkest people she knows are either sober or pregnant. Her boyfriend, Chris, shows up to see her off. She screams about how she's "finally happy," but it's hard to really think anything of it, because she's always shrieking about something.
Snooki picks up JWOWW and then we get a driving montage as everyone makes their way. There isn't the usual intense suspense about who will arrive first and get the best room. Instead, Mike tells us this is the first time he's driven across this bridge sober. He arrives first and starts cooking up the meal he bought. He says this is the Italian version of an apology. Because he can't actually say it. Deena arrives and Mike definitely notices the new look. She's lucky she has a shallow audience. He tells her he's also quit smoking and she tells him he looks great. She hopes he stays like this, because she likes it. He tells her it's okay to drink and smoke around him. Pauly shows up and has to wander around, all "Hello?" until he finds Mike and Deena on the deck. Pauly says that he and Mike totally clicked the first time they met, and seeing Mike right now is like seeing the same guy again. Is it possible that Mike was only a douchebag because of a drug and alcohol problem? Ron and Sam show up . Sam's not forgiving Mike for messing with her relationship. She thinks he'll always be the same. Vinny shows up , and gets teased for looking pale. What is this? Season 1? They realize that no one has even claimed a room yet. My, how they've grown. They even let Sam and Ron have the room for two and MVP takes the three-bed room upstairs. They are the only single people in the house at this point. Pauly and Vinny are glad to have Mike back to himself. But wait. How does anyone know the real Mike? We have never seen him sober, have we?
Finally, Jenni and Snooki arrive. Snooki introduces Lorenzo to the shore house. So at this point, she's already named her baby. All the girls touch her belly and act like they have never known anyone who's ever had a baby. Deena shrieks that it freaks her out, and Snooki calls her an asshole. She says she has three months until she gives birth. Then we get a Snooki-is-still-mad-at-Mike moment, where he tries to talk to her and she tells him to go away. Snooze.
Mike's finishing up dinner while everyone else unpacks. He says he wants to challenge the roommates to "hate on that. That's hard-ass work." Then he already gets petty, and says there's no way he's cleaning up and it would have been nice if someone had offered help. But no one has.
Snooki talks about how hard this is going to be. She can't drink or smoke. "So what else am I going to do?" Snooki asks Deena who's going to drink with her at 10 in the morning. "No one." Then the guys comment on Snooki's huge boobs and she tells them Jionni says he's tasted some milk. I mean, we all know Snooki doesn't understand the definition of TMI, but still.
Dinner. Mike wants to make amends. He tells everyone he wanted to start off on the right foot and that he's changed his life. JWOWW asks what made him change, and he says he was exhausted and needed a change. They all toast to it. And drink. Irony. They head to the deck and relive Season 1. Is this whole thing going to be a recap season? Because this show was never good enough for an entire season of that. But Mike moves us forward by individually apologizing to everyone. Ron tells him that's what he's waiting for. Snooki thinks it was nice, but she interviews that she can't ever be close with him. And JWOWW tells him she's going to wait and see. He is cool with that. Mike congratulates Snooki, and someone makes a joke that they thought they were supposed to congratulate Vinny for that. Everyone laughs except Snooki. I guess she's the only one who can make inappropriate jokes about her pregnancy.
Later, they head to the Shore Store to visit Danny. It's all greetings and congrats to Snooki. He tells her he'll take it easy on her. When he didn't take it easy, she got away with sleeping at work, so maybe this season she won't have to show up at all.
Everyone gets ready for bed. No partying. Deena misses her boyfriend, who she says she's been with for nine months. Mike says not drinking and partying will be hard for him, because he's never done that here. At least he doesn't have to give up GTL, though. They get up in the morning to get that started. They all wake up before 9:30, which pisses Snooki off. She stomps around the house angry, because she'd really appreciate if all of these people would be hung-over so she could sleep in. She heads to the gym with the rest of them, though. JWOWW says this is a miracle for them all to be up and going to the gym. Now Snooki's sad that she can't work out as hard as everyone else because she's restricted. Mike tells Snooki she's glowing, which she thinks is awkward.
They go to tan, where Paula's working. Mike kisses her in public, which is a HUGE deal because this show is completely boring now. Snooki can't tan, which Vinny says is like a fish just staring at the ocean. Funniest part of the episode. Which is so sad. Pauly says he no longer has competition for being the tannest, because Snooki can't tan.
The girls are all out to eat and Deena breaks down crying. She just misses her boyfriend so much. They all talk her through it, because JWOWW and Snooki have both been there, done that. Sammi tells her she thought she'd gotten her period at the table and couldn't get up. Really? That is your first thought when a friend cries? Weird. Sam interviews that it's going to be a long summer. She's one to talk about other people's drama making this show boring. Not that she's wrong.
Later, everyone's getting ready for Karma, except Snooki, who's going on a date with Jionni to keep herself from being upset that she can't go to Karma. By the way, Snooki can't tell time. And Deena falls off the hammock. Everyone gathers to mourn Snooki's loss. No, really. That's what it seems like. Because having a baby is so depressing if it means you can't take shots. She asks the gang to take some shots for her. Jionni shows up with flowers and Nicole thinks they might hook up, but she doesn't know. "I'm feeling very gassy." Classy. There's some minor drama about Vinny and Jionni not saying hi to each other. Apparently Jionni wants to kill Vinny. Which is weird, because I thought Mike was the one who told Jionni he hooked up with her.
On their date, Jionni knows everyone and has to say hi. Snooki finds this annoying, because she's pregnant and just wants to eat. At home, they all prepare for Karma. Mike chews gum like a true recovering addict. Deena puts on a blue dress and gets catcalls from everyone else in the house. Cabs are here! On their date, Snooki's super sad about missing the big night at Karma, but she knows she'll want to take shots and drink. So she doesn't know what to do. Which is when we go to commercial, because THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING YOU. Oh, MTV. Last season really should have been the end. Perhaps the show about drunken mayhem should not survive to the point that one cast member is pregnant and another is sober?
Jionni asks Snooki if she wants to go to Karma, because she's pouting, but she thinks it's trashy for a pregnant lady to go to Karma. They bicker about it. At Karma, the girls think it's weird without Nicole, and Mike thinks it's weird without a drink or prescription pills. He thinks this is the first real test. And then a girl asks him to drink, which is really a challenge. He just clutches his water bottle. Jionni reminds Nicole he won't be back for a week and she's depressed because no one will stay home with her weekend. MTV tries to edit the gang hanging out at Karma into an old-school party montage. But no one's buying it. This gang is old, y'all.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, can't wait to see what puts her to sleep in the hour. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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