It's reunion time, Bitchuations, and Amy Paffrath is back and looking like what would happen if a disco ball banged a glitter factory then crapped out something. She introduces the gang, then asks, "Was your summer at Seaside everything you wished for and more?" Well, Paffrath, if what we wished for was dullsville diffracted by two imploding spin-offs, plus news of an 11th-hour pregnancy and a prescription pill addiction, YES! Snooki gives some sort of answer, but I'm too distracted by a hideous upper arm tattoo (please be fake!) and her mesh-encased boobs to hear any of it. Which is a real shame because Snooki's words are usually an elegant hybrid of poetry, philosophy, and Franklin-esque aphorism.
First package: The kids return from Italy, at which point Deena declared herself, "like a hamster in heat," and Pauly burnt off at least three layers of his epidermis in the tanning bed. A fall-down-drunk return to Karma acts as the editor's equivalent of a Snooki blackout and suddenly we've cut to the last episode, when thunder and lightning began to roll in. I'm sure this could be interpreted as some sort of symbolism for the tragedies about to befall the Shore kids in real life. Yes, I'm counting an unexpected pregnancy as a tragedy. A baby will really fuck up your buzz!
After the package, Paffrath asks Deena, "How excited is a hamster in heat?" Oh dear sweet god, if this is the level of questioning we're going to encounter all night... ugh. Deena admits she was horny because she came back from Italy, where there no guys she liked -- at least none that weren't engaged in some weird biting fetish with their sisters. Ronnie snarks, "You had girls." Meatball mash-up! She grabs Snooki for a hug, and you can already tell Snooki has moved on. The face she's making screams, "Awkward!" If not, her smush-tits do. While Deena was excited to return to "normal-sized American guys" (and penises, as The Situation infers), Snooki was excited to return to her brethren nut jobs at Karma, not to mention peeing in bushes.
Okay, you guys, the conversation literally turns to the weather. The weather.That's, like, the universal sign that you have nothing else to talk about. And we're only six minutes in! Save us all.
Paffrath welcomes Sitch and Snooks up to talk about their "intercontinental cheating scandal." The couch could probably fit five people, and Snooki sits as far away from Sitch as possible. Paffrath wonders why Sitchy felt compelled to cause so much drama. He insists fallaciously (and/or fellatiously?) that he didn't want to be called a liar. He insists he lost a friend over "telling the truth." Which misses the entire point. Of course Snooki wouldn't have liked you to tell the truth -- if indeed your story was the truth... which I'm so turned around about at this point I can't be bothered to reason out. It wasn't the truth (or whatever) itself, it was the bullshit soap operatic approach you took in telling the "truth." The self-appointed status as villain, the failed machinations, and, above all, the fact that you associate yourself with a douchenozzle named The Unit.
Cue second package: "Sitch plots against Snooki." Metaphors are wildly tossed about and, ironically, The Situation looks more uncomfortable than anyone to see this footage. Maybe because he was whacked out on horse tranqs during all of the filming? Snooki calls him "obsessed" and says she'd go all Divinyls on herself before ever touching him. They yell back and forth, and Ronnie finally cuts in, "It's like a Ron and Sam all over again!" Oh, sweetie, good job trying to take back that power, but... FAIL. When this relationship actually gets physically abusive (I'm not counting hurled milk jugs), then we'll talk. And, honestly, the freeze frame at this point, says it all. Ronnie thinks he's fucking hilarious. Sammi is raising her hand, like, "What is my idiot boyfriend on about?" JWOWW is laughing -- because that's what she's paid to do. Deena is completely invested in this stupid, bullshit argument. Pauly is waiting for his turn to scream something out that ends in "OH YEAH!" And Vinny's head is bowed in shame.
Long story short, these two crazy kids are never going to come to terms on this particular issue because they both have too much at stake. Ronnie finally speaks for us all, roaring, "WHO THE FUCK CAAAAAAARES?" And Pauly senses his cue, and goes, "Yeeeeeeeeah buddy!"
Snooki reiterates her point that she wouldn't bang Sitch with a 10-foot pole. If it were to be anyone in the house, it'd be Vinny, and she already went there. Sitch tells her she's "fucked up" and continuously wipes at his nose in a suspicious manner (allegedly!). Pauly thinks Jionni's reaction wasn't violent or retaliatory enough, and Snooki tells all the roommates not to say a damn word about Jionni. She furthermore calls Sitch a coward and says she doesn't forgive him. For his part, Sitch says he would still be friends with Snook -- because what else does he have in this world, really? Certainly not cha-cha skills.
Paffrath wonders if Sitch really considers himself the bad guy of the house. Amazingly, he claims he doesn't and is all, "You guys don't think I am, do you?" Seriously, dude? You spent more than a season talking yourself up as some diabolical, ticking-time-bomb villain -- on camera -- and now you're asking for vouchers about what a good soul you are? I've never been a pill popper, but I'm pretty sure that you at least remember some things, right?
Ronnie snarks, "It's surrounded by ice, but you do have a heart." Cue a package on the summer on Sitch's discontent: First there was Pauly's personalized birthday cake (and none for Sitch, whose birthday was a day earlier), then the time everyone raged on Sitch for basically taking a walk, and finally the time his penis came out to deliver Hamlet's soliloquy. Snooki, JWOWW and Deena want Sitch to simply acknowledge that he's a major asshole sometimes, but he truly seems to be operating under some unshakable belief that he is a faultless angel -- despite hours and hours (and hours!) of footage to the contrary. Vinny sums it up most succinctly: "Mike is hard to live with." He also says that, "Sometimes the biggest villains have the biggest hearts." Like, hearts so big they dominate all the blood flow, so that it can't go to their brains? Because I'm pretty sure that's what Sitch is working with.
At a certain point, Sitch realizes the tides are not in his favor, so he leaves the stage altogether. JWOWW insists the roommates aren't "being negative toward him" and just want to make him "a better person." Well there's your fundamental failure right there, my friend. Paffrath sends JWOWW out to chat with Sitch and asks the others if this is what they imagined what happened. They of course insist they didn't want to drive Sitch away -- which I actually believe. Because they're fucking idiots. Any normal, reasonable person would want to drive Sitch away. Ronnie says, "He's just crying out for attention." That phrase strikes a little too close to home, if you ask me. If this shit turns into an intervention, I am O-U-T.
Speaking of which, JWOWW clomps outside in her icky yellow lace-paneled satin dress and her clunky shoes to find Sitch. She tells him all the others want is recognition for caring about him and some sign that he cares about them, too. Yeah. That's what this is about. Feelings. Uh huh. She wonders how they'll ever all live together again if he keeps being such a hard-headed douche. Then dollar signs appear in both their eyes, and they're all, "Oh yeah." Sitch acts all dramatic, as is his role, and she plays the peacemaker, as is hers. [Note: This segments plays out eerily like a scripted "behind the scenes" scene typically seen on WWE Smackdown but with no payoff whatsoever. -- Rachel.] Commercials.
Back inside, Sitch has returned for another $100,000 beat down. He basically reads the script JWOWW handed him from the producers, apologizing for walking out on his roommates. They accept.
Time for some levity! Paffrath welcomes Deena to the couch. Cue the Field & Stream package. Yep! Just as boring as the first time we saw it, even at a fraction of the runtime. There is an overly long discussion of these two desperation-bred time fillers. Highlights: Pauly says sharks are attracted to spray tans, and Ronnie snarks about Snooki, "She only knows how to pitch a tent in a guy's pants!" (How long has he been holding that in reserve?) The only thing I got out of this ridiculous exchange was that stomach-churning feeling of regret when I realized I should have named that recap "The Blair Sitch Project." Missed connections!
Bromance segment, OH YEAH! In introducing the package about Vinny's mental breakdown, Paffrath actually insinuates that he was just a weak mama's boy who couldn't handle reality. Shut it, Paff. Then again, the whole poorly conceived package ended with Vinny banging two lesbians, so... well... there's still nothing redeeming going on there. In quick tandem -- with nothing but an obvious Ron Ron Joke about how threesomes clear out your testicles -- we get a package about VP's Operation: Inside Out, Pauly's Stalker's Operation: Guido DJ Freak-Out, and then more of O:IO, specifically what a bitch Sitch is.
Even Pauly has his prank limits, we find out. And that limit is named Vanessa. He says the most disturbing thing about her is that "she wouldn't even talk -- no talkin', just stalkin'." Paffrath gets the last laugh when she pretends they've flown Vanessa in for the reunion. Pauly dutifully feigns shock, awe and horror for the 15 seconds of his contractual obligation, and Ronnie laughs like a stupid idiot as per his contract (and per the fact that he is, in fact, a stupid idiot). Paffrath assists the boys in patting themselves on the back some more about their dumbass prank, and that is -- I hope -- the last we'll ever have to hear of Operation: Inside Out.
Sitch and Snooki have returned to the peanut gallery, replaced on the couch by JWOWW. Time for the "Don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore" package of the highs and lows (mainly lows) of JWOWW and Roger's relationship. Long story short, JWOWW upholds all the horrible stereotypes about what overreacting banshees women in relationships are, and Deena upholds all the stereotypes about what pathetic losers all single gals are because she still wants a relationship as fantastically dysfunctional as any of her roommates'. We also learn that Roger and Ronnie have developed bromantical names for each other: "Old Man" and "Half-Pint," respectively. In sum, JWOWW and Roger are "good." Boring, dependable, basically married and not worth another second of our precious time.
Speaking of! Paffrath welcomes perhaps the greatest non-entity of this season to the couch: SamRo 2.0. Don't get me wrong. For many, many reasons, I would rather see these two not factor into the equation than have to deal with their epistolary entanglements and the fights that made me wonder if I should call the cops. That's too much responsibility for a recapper. We are frivolous people. Frivolous! Also frivolous: A package led off by the revelation that Sammi can decorate cakes and cook omelets. Riveting stuff, you guys. Long story short, Sammi is happy for maybe the first time in three years, and good for her. I'll just ignore the joke Pauly made about Ronnie "rearranging the furniture" -- a.k.a. throwing shit around like a damn maniac -- and deeming it "all in good fun." There was nothing fun about their psychologically, and nearly physically, abusive relationship of past seasons.
In what I suspect will be the only bit of actual news to emerge from this time-suck of a reunion, we learn that Sammi and Ronnie are no longer together. They both claim to have ended it, but it's not a fight and therefore useless to everyone concerned -- even as Pauly and Vinny say, "Ohhhhhhhhh," in the background like junior high schoolers relishing their first brush with social dynamics. Sammi insists they are just friends now, but you know they'll get back together season out of sheer boredom and sexual frustration. There's hope (or horror) for a Ronantha spawn yet!
And in case you thought the packages couldn't get any worse than "The One in Which Sammi Cooks(ish)," the montage is all about urination and, by extension, Snooki's UTI, plus her anger that Jionni chose wasted-faced vomiting over banging her. Because nothing is sexier than a man retching while he humps you. According to Snooki, the cure to a hangover is an orgasm. So that's what I've been doing wrong! You thought that package was done, didn't you? Nope! We also need to hear about how Ronnie is "The Shitmaster." Annnnnnnd... scene. Then there's a segment in which Deena defends her hand-washing habits. She does wash them! (When she's sober.)
In what I can only hope is the final package of the night, we have: Lola the Bunny! And there she was, folks, in all her guido-humping, crotch-grabbing glory. Vinny sums it up best: "Another day at the Shore." And what better way to go out than that crystal-clear encapsulation of how warped this whole process makes anyone who comes into contact with it? I wasn't the first, and I won't be the last. You see, my fair readers, the Shore will go on (take that, alcohol-intolerant fetus!), but I will not. After 4.5 years of snarking the bejesus out of all of you, this was my last recap for TWoP -- at least until my video poker addiction gets really bad. To quote every unimaginative high school (super)senior ever, "What a long, strange trip it's been."