Previously: The least successful retreat to nature The Cabin in the Woods, Eden Lake, and The Strangers -- if only because none of these douchenozzles actually died. And Pauly and Vinny pulled a prank that will be funny for about 15 seconds, and then they'll realize they wasted an entire day planning it... which was still better than going camping with the others. Also, Deena's sister banged The Situation's brother so many weeks ago I can't even remember. She is a loose end in every sense of the word.
Pauly and Vinny are sipping umbrella drinks and sitting in a kiddie pool in the Astroturfed house as the roommates return home from the wilds of New Jersey. Snooki is the first to walk in the door and is quick to deliver her paycheck-earning overreaction. She loves the Tiki party vibe... until she realizes her pee-pee bed has been moved. That's crossing the line! Deena, JWOWW, and Sitch follow. Pauly giddily notes the stupefaction on Sitchy's face and says, "Mike looks even dumber than he normally looks!"
As the rest of the roommates head up to the roof deck to find their belongings, it's clear that Pauly and Vinny have really outdone themselves with "Operation: Inside Out." They've even lined up the girls' stilettos in neat rows in front of their beds. Pauly tells Vinny to bask in the glory as he declares them prank war champions. Ronnie soaks a couch cushion in skeezy hot tub water and chucks it down at Vinny. Pauly: "That's all they got?" Oh, Pauly, you've lived with this cave man for months on end, and you still haven't realized his inherent limitations?
Sitch takes the change least well of all and starts pacing around angrily. He's so flustered by the circumstances that he refuses to bring his things back even under the threat of an impending rain storm. Pauly and Vinny puts tarps over the things they can't get back inside quickly enough. Sitch just watches with a sour mug on his face. He explains, "I just really don't like people touching my stuff. That's what it is." Seriously? The levels of cognitive dissonance in that statement are staggering. You let disease-riddled women sleep in your bed and suck on your junk, but you're so upset when your homeboy-for-life touches it (the bed) that you'd rather it get ruined?
After a bit of rain, Sitch goes up to be even bigger a baby and sits down on his damp bed, which quickly collapses because it's propped up by cardboard boxes. Pauly thinks Sitch is being a spoilsport. Sitch bitches that everything is destroyed and threatens to leave the Shore House early. Please! Please do! You guys, this is the finale -- probably the last episode of this show ever (at least with the original cast intact -- and this is it?! Pauly and Vinny finally relent and help Sitch move his stuck back inside. (What's the point?) Snooki thinks Sitch's nickname should be changed the "Bitchuation."
Later, Sitchy's brother Frank and Deena's sister Joanie call when they're on their way to the Boardwalk. Deena answers and makes plans to see them that night at Jenks. While Deena ponders the horrifying notion that Sitch could be brother-in-law in the nearish future, Snooki confirms Sitch's prediction from last episode and decides to make peace with him. They hit up the bar and share a big ol' bucket-glass of Voodoo Juice. Sitch doesn't even take a breath before he starts talking about some choice gossip he heard about Joanie from Unit. Pause! Why is this not bothering Snooki? It's gossip about her BFF, and it coming from The Unit. Snooki laps it up, even as Sitch tells her that Deena's sister does some sort of bleepedy-bleep that appears to involve drinking urine, eating excrement, or some sort of jenkem-y combination of the two. Even after Snooki and Sitch basically spell Joanie's "talent" out, I still have no idea what they're talking about. And I am genuinely, truly, down-to-my-soul grateful for that. Also that I am not Joanie "The Chosen One" Cortese.
Sitch wonders idly if he should use his intel "for good or evil." Inexplicably, Snooki is pretty la-di-da about it. She half-heartedly tells him not to say anything, but she clearly doesn't care enough to really try to talk him out of anything he chooses to do. She quips, "Maybe she has allergies," which makes me even more confused. But back to the real issue: If the tables were turned, and Sitch were asking Deena a similar good-versus-evil scenario, Snooki would fly into a blind rage if Deena didn't fight tooth-and-nail for her friend. Has Snooki been Stepforded? Do the woods really change a woman that much?
That night, the gang gets ready for Jenks. Hilariously, JWOWW puts on the most covering dress she's ever worn on this show (possibly in her life) and deems it "too much." Yeah, she's referring to the sparkly detailing and the fact that Jenks is a shithole, but that JWOWW has ever even been made aware of the concept of "too much" is in and of itself cackle-inducing. Speaking of too much, Deena breaks out her "funbags dress" and reveals that she has names for her tits (as any self-respecting sketcherina does) -- the right one is Devil, and the left one is Angel. And that dress appears to have blown them up to 250%. Holy hell, I need a dress like that. Then again, I'd attract the kind of people Deena attracts, so... maybe not. Vinny also puts on a too-tight top, and Deena snarks, "Where'd you get that, Baby Gap?" Is it any worse than the denim-pocket number he rocked a few episodes ago? No. Definitely no.
Jenks-em! While Deena offers up her breasts as a cup holder for Pauly, Vinny meets two girls. It's clear that they are strictly vagickly, but it's still a little bit inappropriate when the first words to tumble out of his mouth are, "Hi, I'm Vinny. Are you guys lesbians?" Not a breath nor pause between the formality and the objective. Vinny has found his Moby No-Dick. For whatever reason, one of the girls appoints herself Vinny's wingwoman. He gets increasingly hot and bothered as they compare coochie notes.
Elsewhere, Joanie enters the fray. Sitch is super-cagey with her, and Snooki immediately spills the gossip. She tells all the girls that Sitch said Joanie "s****** and s***." Still. Have. No. Idea. Whatisgoingon! The best part is that Deena is not so much concerned for her sister's reputation, she's concerned that Sitch is not respecting her privacy. I think that's your confirmation. If it's something as repulsive as they're making it out to be, and Deena isn't horrified by the notion that Joanie might be doing/performing/partaking in it, then she likely is.
While that conflict builds up, Vinny continues lesbian hunting. Having nothing to lose, he lays it all out there, inviting the girls to come back and party with him so he can give them the best night of their lives. They actually humor him, and the search for the sexual Holy Grail is on!
Once they get back, Ronnie actually forces Vinny to haggle with him over the smush room. He doesn't think it's worth sacrificing a few hours of sleep if the lesbians aren't of the ultra-hot-when-Angelina-Jolie-was-a-lesbian variety. His words: "Did you look at their faces? One of them actually looks like Matthew McConaughey." Okay, that was funny. Nonetheless, he's being a bastard about it because clearly Vinny is not going to be able to get his bang on with two already-penis-averse women in a twin bed. And, as Vinny, notes he should get this one pass considering how much bullshit SamRo 2.0 have put him through. Eventually Ronnie agrees to give up the room, but he insists on moving his mattress out, so Pauly has to help Vinny move another mattress in there. Some people will always have Paris. These folks will always have petty bullshit. And impressively low standards.
Lesbian threesome time, y'all! As Vinny takes the "ladies" up to the CSR, Pauly lays out the challenge like it's a spirit quest: "My man Vinny's about to do the impossible -- he's going to try to turn these two lesbians straight. This isn't going to be an easy smush, call the cabs when you're done. It's going to take a lot of work, and he's not going to get any sleep." Vinny is equally bombastic, saying, "This is the moment when heroes are made. There are going to be history books written about this. This story's going to be told for generations to come." At least dismissive blogs. I got you covered, Vin-man! The three of them lie down on the bed, they lean in for a group kiss, and...
Cut to the kitchen? The girls are agitating for Deena to confront The Situation about his shit-talking. She obeys like a barrel-chested puppy, walking up to slur at him about trashing her sister. He lies to her face, insisting people are just trying to stir up drama. Wow. Deena idiotically says she wants to believe him but "he's still Mike, and you never know." You always know! What happened to these kids last week that we didn't see? Was there a Deliverance moment that bonded them to where they've dropped all suspicion and/or common sense (not that they had much to begin with...)? Deena asks Sitch to be honest, and he dances himself into a corner, yammering like a crackhead that maybe Snooki overheard him, maybe Joanie does do this heinous act after all, and that it would be cool anyway if she did because guys like that. Dude, you just got mentally outmaneuvered by Deena. To be fair, that gives undo credit to Deena. Sitch just shit-talk shadowboxed with himself -- and lost big-time.
As the night winds down, we see Vinny and the lesbians putting on their clothes and are left to trust that this wasn't some edit suite trickery. Vinny says, "I've had some pretty low points this summer, but I just fucked two lesbians..." Well there was a statement that just affirmed every militant lesbian feminist who thinks men are only out to objectify and use women. Also? Lesbians: Better than Prozac and Paxil combined! The morning, he sees them out and checks that item off his "Fuck-it List." Sammi wonders if it was weird? Vinny's all, "Uh, no! It was still penis-in-vagina... but times two!" Deena is impressed because "they were, like, real lesbians." Pauly jokes they it was basically like having sex with him, and man he has really been waiting for ages to have a vicarious moment that legitimate.
The kids' last night is upon them, and so is a whole mess of wind and lightning. JWOWW is annoyed that her last hurrah will be compromised, Deena is wetting her pants in fair, and Pauly's reasonably noting, "I don't want to get lightning in my hair!" The storm siren begins blowing, and Deena thinks her best course of action should a tornado actually blow through is to get in a car. SUVs are totally more sturdy than houses! The power temporarily goes out, giving Pauly the perfect opportunity to grab Deena by the shoulders and shake her as he delights in her panic. Deena's all, "I saw Wizard of Oz, I don't want to be like Dorothy, like, swingin' around in the frickin' sky." Of course she doesn't actually leave the house, and Sammi immediately mocks her for thinking driving around in a tornado was a smart move. If Sammi is calling you dumb... well let's just say that's like Ronnie calling you simian.
Despite the storm, the kids make their summer-ending pilgrimage to Karma. Vinny and Pauly wear coordinated shirts that say, respectively, "U MAD BRO?" and "I AIN'T EVEN MAD." JWOWW is wearing her own funbags dress, and Snooki is decked out in a leopard dress and matching bow-headband. This is SERIOUS, y'all. Even Sammi's having fun.
Somewhere along the way, Frankie and Joanie arrive. They are kind of adorably lovey-dovey, considering they're at Karma. Deena spots Frankie and decides to confront him. She marches up to him like her ass is on fire. Maybe that has something to with Joanie's alleged sexual proclivities? Weirdly, The Situation tries to intervene. Deena suspects it either because he's trying to cover his ass or (much less plausibly) because he is concerned for the welfare of his brother and her sister. Naturally Deena settles on the latter. Because she's a dumb-dumb. She lets it go and wishes them a future of happiness. One which I suspected ended this very night.
Obviously the kids' final night at Karma fizzled rather than flared because we cut to the day. As the guys go out for their final Seaside GTL session of 2011, Sammi starts planning her counterstrike for Operation: Inside Out. It involved water balloons, which is pretty pedestrian if you ask me. Of course Deena and she think it's the most brilliant thing ever.
Later, JWOWW and Ronnie cook the final family dinner. Smoke billows, and flames burst forth from the stovetop. Pauly addresses the beeping smoke detector by throwing it in the stagnant kiddie pool (the one now filled with leftovers of drinks and god-knows-what-else). The food is ready, and they all sit down. Only as their dishing out pasta and chicken parm do I have a flash: These people are actually Italian and not just trashbags. It's easy how quickly one's perspective gets warped. They all run over the things they're going to miss, and Sammi says it's been her happiest summer ever. She declares her love for all of them. They raise their glasses to doing it all again summer, but it's a hollow gesture -- like running into an acquaintance that you always like and got along with but never really got close with. You say you're going to make a point of spending more time together, but you know you're just creating a shared lie to ease the discomfort of the moment.
Maybe I'm just projecting, but it seems like they realize deep down this might be the end of the road. As it were, these final weeks at the Jersey Shore were a limp across the finish line, like a marathon runner who sprained an ankle around mile 18. The dynamics have shifted, the kids... well... I wouldn't say they've grown up, but their priorities have shifted demonstrably. The only ones who seem to be anywhere near the same headspace as season one is Sitch, who is widely considered a loser freak, and Pauly, who is going to be the same spike-haired person for all eternity. The magic is gone, is what I'm saying. Ah, youth! (Ironically, and perhaps understandably, Sitch and Pauly are the oldest ones of the lot.)
Okay, no more serious talk. There's fat suit-wearin' to behold! How did these kids get fat suits with nipple tassels and cheerleader accessories? Don't ask, don't tell. Naturally there is Jersey Turnpiking. Title card: "JELLY."
Dinner finishes, and Deena thinks it's time she and Sammi unleash their virtuoso prank on the guys. They convene on the deck outside the smush room and haven't even loaded up the first water balloon in their slingshot before Pauly catches wise. More tellingly, he just stands there and waits for their inevitable failure to be effective. Sammi launches the first balloon, and it actually breaks the glass between the railing and the floor of the roof deck. Pauly laughs, and they keep firing away. If anyone needed more proof that this show is ultimately an exercise in irresponsibility, anarchy, and nihilism, well... there you go. They will destroy everything! Including, if they're very lucky, each other.
Ronnie gets the bright idea to lock them onto the deck. They wait like sitting ducks as Ronnie fills his own water balloons, and the guys gather at various staging areas. The girls cluster under a tarp, but it's no use. Within minutes, Ronnie has dumped an entire bucket of water on Sammi and Deena. To my reckoning, this would have been the point to really dig in their heels and go for broke. Instead, they call a truce. Worthless. Wet and worthless. Pauly says, "Once again, the girls' plan to prank us backfired. They should just stop before they really get hurt." And I'm pretty sure he means that. This crazy punk moved an entire house out onto a deck. What's a little bloodshed?
Apparently I spoke too soon because Deena has decided to keep the water fight going. She runs around uselessly, firing off a short here or there with a puny little water gun. But she's outnumbered and not in the way that worked for those ab-flashers from 300. In a way that ends with Pauly tipping her head first into the hot tub and Vinny putting the cover over her while she's still submerged. As we go to break, Deena still has not emerged from the STD-laden waters. Cliffhanger!
The morning, it wouldn't be a complete summer without Pauly annoying the shit out of everyone one last time. Title card: "WAKE UP YEAH!" He grabs not one but two smoke alarms and heads into each and every room in the house, climbing on the beds and screaming at his roommates. JWOWW admits she won't miss the screaming, and the kids start packing. Snooki packs the most colorful items, including Lola the Vegas Hooker Bunny (much worse for the wear) and a bottle of some sort of liquor. (Obviously she didn't fully learn her lesson when she bought that big-ass bottle of wine in Italy, put it in her suitcase, then broke it five steps later.) For his part, Sitch finds a misplaced bra under his bed, holds it up to the cameras, and laughs like Butt-head or a proud dog. Good boy, Sitchy! Good boy!
The first taxi arrives, and SamRo 2.0 are first to depart. Ronnie is amazed how far they've come and actually acknowledges to his disgusting, glasses-smashing behavior the year before. (Note I didn't say "apologizes for" it.) He thinks the post-Shore reality might actually just work out for them this time. Sammi is amazed they didn't try to murder each other for three whole weeks in a row. "This is like a normal couple," she says. Ronnie: "Define 'normal.'"
Back at the house, Vinny jokes that now the kids can have the smush room back. Pauly gets in one last bromance insinuation, laughing, "I thought our room was the smush room!" Roger arrives with roses for JWOWW. "Sitchstradamus" claims to see the future -- Roger is going to get it in tonight. As she leaves, JWOWW compares the 110 days she has spent with the roommates to a jail sentence. Funny, that's just how I've felt these last 23 weeks with you jackbags!
Upstairs, Sitch claims he's been dying to know one thing the last three summers: "Are Jenni's boobs real?" And with that clunker of a joke he just officially became everyone's weird uncle. Luckily for everyone else, Sitchy's cab arrives. Everyone gives him a noncommittal hug except Snooki, who gives him a dead-fish handshake because she can't be bothered to get up from the hammock.
Vinny's mother arrives , and he can tell it's her by her knock! It's kind of adorable, though considering Vinny adorable only brought a flashback of his gross lesbian-poaching antics. Vinny lets Mama Guadagnino in, and she is so horrified by the cottage cheese looking dross floating around in the indoor kiddie pool that she has to get out of there before vomiting and/or crossing herself and/or screaming, "Why, God? Why my son?!" Vinny leaves without the slightest acknowledgement of the end of his for-the-ages love affair with Pauly. For a moment, my heart broke into a million pieces. Technically not even for a second, I guess, because the door hasn't even closed before Vinny comes shrieking back in the house to embrace Pauly. They jump up and down and generally brolove all over each other. It's only right. In my perfect world, Vinny, Snooki, and Pauly would live in a polyamorous relationship together, with JWOWW stopping by occasionally to give them a reality check and be sexy with Pauly. (Remember those first few episodes? They were glorious!)
Vinny finally leaves, and Pauly sticks his lip out in a pout as the final three wait it out. Deena is to go, though the Meatball goodbye is not nearly as touching as the end of the bromance. Deena notes that she'll miss even the looniest moments. "It's kind of like a soap opera," she says, "but I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of addicted to soap operas."
Big Jerry is to pick up Pauly. It's kind of surprising they didn't end with Pauly since he's getting the first spin-off to air, but it seems only right that Snooki is the last one out. In the most unexpected turn of events, she's the first one to start a real life. Lest I get too philosophical about it all, we're treated to a shot of Big Jerry pratfalling as he tries to fit all but one of Pauly's 75 suitcases into the Caddy (they simply abandon one of them), plus the vision of Pauly riding all the way back to Rhode Island with the Snooki-sized mini motorcycle on his lap. For all this show's failings, it never lets you get too serious. Thanks, show!
And so it ends as it began: Party's here! Snooki, left to her own devices, pours herself a drink and toasts to the house that legitimized her all those summers ago. She bids her goodbye to her bed, covering up a piss stain as she goes, then makes an empty promise to return to the duck phone so that she may have phone sex with boys on it. Mr. Polizzi arrives to pick up Snickers and Crocodilly. Even as he loads up her stuff, she claims she "could do this forever." I'm not so sure. The house is absolutely destroyed. The sink is piled with dishes, I already mentioned the horrors waiting for some poor P.A. in the kiddie pool, and there is a damn hammock in the living room. It's as if this prank was some universal omen, some Inception-like notion planted deep in the strata of Pauly and Vinny's heads to tell Snooki, and indeed all of them, "It is time."
A song about living life and not wasting time plays over shots of the whole gang (except Pauly, who is obstructed by a mini-bike) traveling in their respective cars back to their homes. Interestingly, Sammi and Ronnie get the parting shot. They have certainly been all along the most polarizing couple of the show, yet they've emerged the strongest and most changed in a way. And they've emerged MTV's strongest shot at a purebred Jersey Shore baby. Before I can really grasp the living nightmare that's only one squatty-midsection thrust away, the closing title card flashes, "IL FINE." Damn it, they got me!
I know there's still a reunion special to go, but we know that afterthought never counts for anything. This is really end, and from this humble recapper's perspective, it's a bittersweet moment. I've spent four seasons recapping this show -- 156 hours by my rough estimation -- and it's been a pleasure in a lot of ways. There have, of course, been highs scraping the top of Pauly's blowout and lows falling as far as Deena's face during a particularly enthusiastic Jersey Turnpiking, but I wouldn't trade it. That said, I'll see you folks week when -- judging from the American Reunion + Jersey Shore reunion promos -- I will inevitably regret revealing my vulnerability right here and now. PRODUCT PLACEMENT, OH YEAH!