Previously: It was a bad week for people whose names started with "J." Deena dumped Joey. The Situation finally initiated Operation: Jump Jionni. Duggar children, you're on notice.
We resume where we left off last week. Sitch tells Jionni he wants to make this explosive revelation as quick and painless as possible. I wish he had extended that favor to us hapless viewers. TWO SEASONS! He tells Jionni in the vaguest, most cowardly way possible, not actually saying what happened (despite all his bravado in the safe comfort of the interview room). He finishes his non-bomb-dropping and is all, "Can you respect that?" Of course Jionni can't respect that. His girlfriend blew this insufferable douchebag. Perhaps simply befuddled and perhaps thinking it's a dream because it's still early in the morning (more likely noon, but this is guido time we're dealing with), Jionni actually shakes Sitch's hand. It couldn't have been lamer or more boring if they had actually tried to make it so. Truly, the season one finale of The Killing was more conclusive than this bunk.
So Sitchy retires back upstairs, doing a little shirt lift of victory on his way up. Jionni goes straight back to cuddle with Snooki and Crocodilly. He immediately brings it up to Snooki and claims to be laughing about the whole thing, which I'm not entirely sure is true. Jionni insists he doesn't believe Sitch, and Snooki outright announces that she refuses to deal with it. She returns to spooning Crocodilly, which really is the only way she could have dealt with the situation. If she were wildly upset about it, that would have given weight to Sitch's accusations. So, Snooki may be spinning out in her head, but if Jionni can't be bothered with it, she has no ground to get upset about it herself. All these months later, we have a fetal Snookionni to confirm to us that The Situation's diabolical plan didn't, in fact, work, so blah-di-blah-blah... moving on. (If only it were that simple.)
A bit later, Sitch is literally hiding out on the staircase, spying on Snooki and waiting for shit to get real. Since Snooki clearly doesn't give a what, Sitch tells Ronnie exactly how the nonfrontation went down, hoping he can get some third-party trash-talking started. Sammi is really the person he wants to get to because homegirl has never met a conflict she didn't throw herself into, but obviously he can't tell Sammi directly, so he's siphoning the information through Ronnie knowing that it will get back to her and start a shit storm. To wit, Sammi's radar kicks in, and she heads out to the porch to talk with them. She's shocked that Jionni didn't let his fists do the talking and says Ronnie wouldn't have responded so civilly. That's because Ronnie is a gorilla maniac and generally a horrible person. Just because it's the way your boyfriend would do it doesn't mean it's the right way, honey. In fact, I might argue that in nearly every case, your boyfriend's way of doing things has been the wrong way.
Satisfied that the dominoes are in place, Sitch heads downstairs where Snooki immediately tell him they are fucking done professionally. Sitch insists he "couldn't look Jionni in the eye, take shots, and be friends" knowing what happened. I loved that taking shots is like a sacred ritual of trust for these people. Snooki continues to call Sitchy a dickwad for narc-ing her out, all while Jionni begs her to pipe down and let it go. Sitch cockily says he's sure they'll be friends again in a few weeks. Snooki snaps back, "Actually, no, because I want you to go fuckin' die and rot in a hole." Sitch: "That's not very nice, Nicole." That is probably the only true thing that's come out that jackbag's mouth in five seasons. And then the throwing of things begins. You know Snooki is legit mad because she actually throws pickles. Her precious, precious pickles. Crimes of passion!
While Snooki and Jionni head out to the Boardwalk, the guys sit home and talk trash about them. The consensus is that Jionni doesn't care because Jionni is banging other girls, too. Pauly: "Their relationship's a joke." Sitch snarks, "They're meant to be. He took it on the chin just like she did." Who knew Sitch had a command of idioms?
Family dinner time! Snooki suggests the completely organic (and non-producer-prompted) idea that they should all go camping, and all the kids are, like, "Great idea, Snooki! That'll be fun." This is the fakest scene I've ever seen on this show. It's less authentic than JWOWW's boulder titties and Snooki's Salad Sensations spray tan. Speaking of things fake, the kids suddenly get into a totally "spontaneous" food fight. So remember those promos of Snooki throwing things at Sitch? They were not borne of conflict. It was just that Sitch got a little handsy with the potato, and Snooki retaliated. It's all in good fun? What a letdown! Vinny insists, "The food fight is not fun anymore, it's personal," but he was obviously told to say this to squeeze that last drop of drama of a saga that hasn't had any narrative tension for quite some time. Basically, the month before Italy was Twilight, Venice was New Moon, and everything that's followed is some horrifying mirror-world version of the remaining installments of Kristen & Rob Look: Constipation = Love. This forthcoming camping trip will be like that time Jacob carried Bella up to the woods to keep her away from the vampire hordes. And Ronnie is clearly the Lautner in this scenario. Have seen his Xenadrine ads?
After all the others have long since given up on the food fight set-up, Snooki and Sitchy keep going. She actually hurls a gallon of milk at him at one point, which is wildly wasteful (and not tactically very smart) but also awesome. Sound bite highlights include Snooki telling Sitch, "I like Jionni's cock in my mouth, not yours." And somehow Vinny gets dragged into the squabble. To be fair, he's practically wearing 3D glasses and munching popcorn on the sidelines, so it was only a matter of time. Did I mention that Sitch is dangling a cigarette out of his mouth the whole time? That's how lame and uncommitted he (and, I would argue, the whole gang) is to this wild stretch for content. It is kind of funny when Snooki, who is covered in barbecue sauce and God-knows-what-else, heads up to his room and rolls around in his bed. How effective that will be is another question because this is the person who, when his roommates put grated cheese under his pillow, was more willing to believe his trick was had cooch fungus than he was to investigate why his bed might smell like cheese. Then again, if I were The Situation, I'd probably go with cooch fungus nine times out of 10, too. Occam's Razor.
Somehow Snooki's roll in Sitch's sheets is the breaking point. They head back downstairs and scream at each other for 100 hours. The whole time, Pauly is doing earmuffs on Deena, which is pretty hilarious. He's like the precocious eight-year-old protecting his slow younger sister from mommy and daddy's fighting. They go back and forth and back and forth. Big shock: Nothing is resolved.
The morning, Deena, Ronnie, and Snooki report for their final shift and the Shore Store. Snooki idly comments, "I think I still smell like ketchup." Probably because you didn't shower, you little dirty Meatball. They spend the whole day planning their camping trip. Clearly spray tan and hair gel are must-have camping accessories for the outdoorsy guido or guidette. Elsewhere, MVP head out for some good, old-fashioned GTL.
Once she gets back home, Deena makes plans with Joey in spite of how badly their last encounter ended. Deena admits she might be rushing a relationship because all her friends are coupled up. She's certainly not doing it on the advice of her roommates, who are unanimously against the idea of Joey. They brashly tell her to stop wasting her time. The thing they all don't seem to get -- and that Deena seems painfully aware of -- is that the homelier of the Meatballs doesn't have a lot of options. Roger aside, you don't see JWOWW playing wingman so Vinny will have a back-up trick when the lesbian he's pursuing doesn't suddenly stop preferring vagina. This is not something JWOWW has to do. Like how pretty people don't have to be clever or funny. It's not that they can't be, they just don't have to. Deena has to be clever (I use that term loosely), funny, and a turnpiking wingman. She knows her lot in this hierarchy, is what I'm saying.
Nonetheless, the mob rules. A few hours later, Joey shows up and calls the house (despite the fact that he is literally standing outside and could just knock on the door). Deena watches uselessly as Pauly lies that Deena is sick and basically tells Joey to buzz off. Seconds later, Joey calls again. JWOWW answers and calls Joey out for not offering "sick" Deena chicken noodle soup. She tells him that Deena is moving on to the , "now take care, enjoy your summer, buh-bye now!" Click.
That night, MVP heads to Aztec, Snooki and Jionni stay inside, and everyone else heads to Jimbo's. Deena is disappointed that her fellow Meatball isn't there for her, but we can't ponder the sad abyss of loneliness too long because The Situation is vulture-ing it up at da club, picking up the carrion of a girl who just left a nine year relationship when her boyfriend cheated on her. Back to the inherent loneliness of existence! Deena complains to JWOWW about how Snooki has basically has basically abandoned her. She tearfully interviews, "It's like one Meatball stands alone." It would be funny if it weren't a legitimately sad moment.
Some time later, MVP head home. Vinny has opted for a fuller-figured girl (or as Tyra would say, "fiercely real"), so Pauly picks up two ladies for Vinny's drunk goggles fall off (or whatever goggles he's wearing since he maybe doesn't drink anymore?). Alas, they never do, so the spare girl is left to curl up pathetically on the floor while all the others participate in a Jersey Shore-gy.
Camping time! The kids have condoms and vodka, and Snooki has practiced her stillness in case of bears. What else do you need? Vinny and Pauly have opted to stay behind so they can set up the greatest prank of all time. (Also because woods and blowouts don't mix.) Unsurprisingly, the prank involves moving lots of furniture. Because that was so effective last time... They recruit Danny, who has plenty of bones to pick with the various roommates, and so it begins.
Meanwhile, the campers get portable toilets, among other things, and head to the campsite. They get there, and Deena bemoans the dirt and bugs, saying, "This is not what I was expecting." What were you expecting? While the guys pitch their tents (and make lots of obvious jokes about pitching their tents), Snooki immediately sets up the bar and starts mixing drinks. Then Sitch steps approximately seven feet from the campsite and whips out his dick to urinate. We learn (under duress) that he has many methods of peeing. One involves hopping. Now, I don't have a penis, but that just sounds foolish.
Commercial break: The sweet sound of Snooki going, "WAAAAAAH!" plays in the background under a cue card: "Baby Meatball on board. Congrats, Snooki!" That was just my favorite thing ever.
Seaside. Paul and Vinny have literally made diagrams of their attack plan to flip the Shore House inside out. Vinny insists, "This not only takes muscle, it takes brains..." apparently not enough brains to realize this is dumbass idea. One that includes bringing a kiddie pool inside to simulate the hot tub. Of course, they have to blow it up first. Cue lots of HoYay!
Creepers' Woods. Ronnie and Sitch set up the fire. Ronnie positions the lighter fluid in front of his cock and pretends he's peeing on the fire... for approximately five minutes. Seriously, I think he uses at least half of the bottle. He's very clever that one. Very clever. Even smarter, Sitch throws an entire lit pack of matches at Ronnie and his open stream of lighter fluid. Setting your roommate on fire is hilarious!
Seaside. Danny arrives at the Shore House with the Astroturf to make the inside of the house look like the roof deck. They pull down the hammock and set up the kiddie pool. All the rooms in the house are empty, and their contents are up on the roof. (Am I a total old fogy that I'm freaking out about the possibility of rain?) Pauly and Vinny hit up the confessional to insist this is the prank to end all pranks. It will never be topped. Pauly adds, "Not bad for a DJ and a couple T-shirt pressers."
Creepers' Woods. In a matter of hours, the kids have managed to make the campsite just as disgusting and cluttered with food as the Shore House kitchen. Great job, kids, except you forgot one thing: Bears! The Situation has taken it upon himself to build a fire, by which I mean basically an entire damn tree that he's thrown on the actual pit and is currently dousing with lighter fluid. How many bottles of that stuff did they give these assholes? As he circles the thing, sprinkler-spraying flop sweat, Sammi looks on with the most bored, apathetic expression you can imagine. For her part, Deena fears burning alive. "He's like one of those people," she says, "a hermaphrodite or whatever." The word you're looking for is "pyromaniac," Deena. Thanks for playing!
Not much later, Sitch has fully switched into paranoiac mode. He's still sweating profusely, only now his eyes have gotten crazy. He's swaying and looking into the woods for chainsaw-wielding, hockey mask-wearing assailants. He's definitely drunk-face-wasted, but I think the smoke has also impaired his judgment. For whatever reason, he is also munching maniacally on a bag of chips -- like a carb-loaded belly is going to give him the get-up-and-go he needs in case a homicidal psychopath enters the fray. Everyone tells Sitch to stop acting like a damn weirdo. He tells them skittishly, "I keep hearing noises." JWOWW says matter-of-factly, "Because we're in the woods." Sitch: "That's true." He heads into the tent he's fashioned into a nylon bunker, and the only saving grace of this obviously staged plot-tastrophe is that there are some pretty hilarious cutaway shots of Shifty Sitchy through the tent's zip-up door. What a schmuck.
Around the campfire, JWOWW says, "Before we get too drunk [Ed. note: Too late!], we should talk about what's going on at the house." If only they knew! Alas, JWOWW is not referring to the epic time-wasting endeavors of everyone's favorite platonic life partners (who didn't write and star in Good Will Hunting). She's referring to Deena's loneliness and Snooki's brazen commitment to her relationship and sanity. Deena recalls the Girls Nights Out they used to have in Italy and wonders what happened once they got back to the States. Boyfriends, obviously. Snooki interviews that Deena is jealous, but she's still sad her fellow Meatballs is upset. Sad might be too generous a term. She has a mild tingle of discomfort in her pinky toe, but that could just be the side effects of her UTI.
The morning, the kids pack up and go. Well, more accurately, the guys pack up while Deena and JWOWW stand paralyzed looking at Daddy Longlegs crawling over their clothes. They refuse to do anything until one of the guys flicks the creature off their clothes, but the guys (Sitch specifically) will only upbraid them for not helping. It's a vicious cycle that goes on for about 23 exchanges too many. In short, it's the most depressing scene ever witnessed on this show. Why? Because they were real people in this moment, not cartoons out to spread their infectious bad taste and syphilis. They were actually dealing with a relatable set of circumstances and squabbling like everyday human beings. This is not why I watch this show. I need to go back and watch clips of Lola humping Boardwalk freaks just to cleanse my palate.
Shore House. Pauly and Vinny have gone all out. Sitting in the living room kiddie pool, they're decked out in swim goggles and floaties. Pauly is even wearing zinc oxide on his nose. They clink hurricane glasses and toast to the biggest prank war ever. Yeah, the one they made up in their heads. That one. Just as Pauly is predicting what a game-changing move this 11th-hour prank will be, my DVR cuts off. Perhaps it was a protest at the absurdity of this scenario. Perhaps it's conserving its energy for week's finale. Either way, I'm in the dark as to how the boys' "epic" (sarcasm) prank turned out. Guess we'll find out in the finale. I'm expecting the kids to come home and start ripping their hair out, so horrified are they by the change. They'll instantly turn grey from stress and the weaker ones will do. The disorientation will be so great, their society will implode, and it will become a Hunger Games race to the bathroom for the flat iron. Eight will enter the house, only one will emerge. My money's on Snooki.