Previously: The Situation waited... and waited... and waited... and waited for the perfect opportunity to spring the information Snooki cheated on Jionni with him. Meanwhile, Vinny might be springing on drunken Snooki, and Deena definitely made some springs creak with her latest trick, Joey.
Snooki and Vinny literally haven't even gotten in the door to the Shore House after a day-drinking trip in which Vinny finally cut off Snooki, but the little Meatball is already getting excited about going back out to Jenks. They head into Vinny's room (innocently, unfortunately), and Pauly and Deena follow them in to ask if there's romance in the air. Snooki jokes that she tried to get Vinny drunk and have her way with him, but it didn't happen. Pauly plays the jealous lover, telling her, "You can't just take my man out on dates. Stop trying to get in my man's pants!" Snooki decides to take a disco nap before heading back out.
Deena hears the duck phone quacking and heads out to answer it. It's Joey, who says he can't meet up with her at Jenks but makes plans to see her the night at Karma. Deena thinks she might actually like this kid, so she's disappointed that her chance at a boyfriend is put on hold for another night. Not long after, though, she complains that all the coupled-up people in the house are staying home to sleep that night, so it doesn't seem like she's missing much, frankly.
DMVP head out to Jenks for a singletons night. There is a brief, completely inconsequential Angelina sighting, and everyone's all, "I don't want to be seen with you," and that's it. She gave them the best 12 days of her life, and that's how it is now? Rough! Pauly and Sitch quickly find themselves DTF chicks and head home to close the deal. Or so they think. Sitchy's his girl turns out to be more DTS/DTMO (Down To Snuggle/Down To Make Out), and Pauly's chick is on her period. Sitch tries to think of a way to quickly kick her out, but Pauly's trick makes the tactical error of telling him about Aunt Flo on the cab ride home, so he doesn't even let her inside the house. He snarks, "Take your girl and your tampons with you. See ya!"
The morning, Sitch calls a bagel place to order dinner. We learn a few things: Pauly likes chocolate chip bagels, someone eats home fries, and Ronnie's preferred sports drink is yellow Gatorade. Who knew these people rocked so many carbs? Sitch continues his "I'm nice, I swear!" campaign by paying for the order. Which is all well and good, but when the kid arrives with the food, none of the roommates have any cash, so Sitch tips him with... drum roll... a packet of protein powder! I am not making this up. He laughs at what an a-hole he's being, and the kid is all, "What is this?" Sitch explains and then basically shuts the door in the kid's face. He claims he's being helpful and that, "In the guido world, protein is like money!" I'm guessing there's going to be some spit (and God knows what else) mixed in to their cream cheese time they order delivery.
After the kids eat breakfast, JWOWW enlists Sammi and Deena to join her at the sex shop to prepare for her one-year anniversary date with Roger. She explains, "Nothing says 'romance' like Clone-a-Pussy and handcuffs." Can't argue with that!
Deena is likewise excited for her date with Joey, but JWOWW and Sammi are skeptical about him. Deena thinks they're raining on her parade. Plus, if she doesn't get some action soon, while JWOWW is making a mold of her vagina for Roger, Deena's vagina will actually be molding.
Meanwhile, Sitch, Snooki, and Ronnie are at the Shore Store. In an odd turnabout, Sitch actually works. Standing behind the counter, yelling like a carnival barker and tossing around T-shirts, he proves that, when he puts a single ounce of effort into anything, he can really be on his game -- though when he classifies his work as being of "mythical proportions," that might be stretching it. For Snooki's part, she continues to be a Meatball-shaped lump, eating takeout, talking about how she's going to bang Jionni later, and actually refusing to work when Danny asks. Hey, someone's got to balance out Sitch's uncharacteristic can-do spirit.
Elsewhere, Pauly and Vinny head out to shoot pool and bemoan the lack of single people in the house. Pauly gripes about JWOWW taking over the Smush Room and decorating it all classy for her anniversary (how dare she!). "I feel like I need to be in a relationship in this house." Vinny: "That's why we're in a relationship."
Shore Store. When Snooki and Ronnie go take a break, Sitch calls The Unit to coordinate their ambush on Jionni that night. Sitch knows the summer is winding down, so it's now or never. He mixes metaphors, talking about chess pieces and how Snooki needs to "take her medicine" (is that what the kids are calling it these days?). Mostly, he wants to prove that he's not a liar. Scheming pain and the ass and genuinely horrible person? Yes. Liar? No!
Back home, Pauly and Vinny decide to retaliate against the couples by removing the bed from the Smush Room. Sammi stumbles upon this scene and knows that JWOWW is going to be pissed that the guys are trying to throw shade on her night. Vinny tells Sammi menacingly, "Don't say a word, or I'll fuckin' kill you!" Then he and Pauly throw a blanket haphazardly over the mattress to "hide it." Clever, guys. They'll never find it now!
JWOWW heads into the Smush Room to set up and notices that it's bed-less. Sammi immediately tells her where it is. JWOWW threatens, "Whoever did this is going to get it back tenfold." Then she heads to Pauly and Vinny's room to ask them about and get help but laugh at the looks of unbridled mischievous glee in their eyes. She singlehandedly puts the bed back in place, then sets about decorating the room "Jersey-style -- with roses petals and bondage equipment." Also, a towel, a tube of toothpaste, Old Spice deodorant, hair gel, a protein bar, a bottle of Powerade, and two dinky little tea lights. The best part is that she doesn't even bother cleaning up all the dirty T-shirts and other refuse that the guys' tricks have left on the floor. Full service romance!
Vinny and Pauly head in to check out JWOWW's handiwork and are particularly grossed out by an oral sex candy she's tossed on the bed. Vinny admits defeat, claiming the plan didn't work because they're "outnumbered by couples." Unless they're counting Sitch and Paula in that equation, technically it's still 50-50. Then again, math is probably not a guido's strong suit. They look in a bag JWOWW left on the bed and see the vagina molding kit. Even as Vinny is claiming (in an interview) that JWOWW is turning the Smush Room into "an old age home" -- because apparently romantic gestures are for fogies -- Pauly is freaking out and admits, "I am scared of that!"
For her fancy night out with Roger, JWOWW puts on a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a draped hot pink shirt that is cut down to her belly button. It's vintage JWOWW and oh so elegant. She runs down to greet him, swinging open the door as he calls out, "Hi Monkey!" Okay, that's damn adorable. He evens it out by telling her, "Every time you answer the door, you look more naked than the last time." First off, I love the sentiment because it's such a concise encapsulation of JWOWW's life mission. But second, I'm not sure anything can beat the dress from two weeks ago. Roger heads up to the Smush Room to drop his stuff and is delighted by JWOWW's decor. When she points to his morning-after suite (the protein bar, Powerade, etc.), though, he does ask playfully, "Where's my Metamucil?"
Karma time! Vinny is wearing a plaid T-shirt with denim collar and pockets, plus white lace-less Converse, and pants rolled up past his ankles. So basically it's Shore-loween, and he's dressing as a hipster? I do not know what is going on. Pauly can't resist knocking on him: "Where's your tan, Vanilla Ice? Your sister was nice enough to give you her whole outfit -- shoes and all?" Ronnie chips in (much less amusingly), "Can I use your shirt as a barbecue mat?" They all agree that Vinny looks like a jerk. Again, isn't that kind of the point? How could Vinny actually be wearing this outfit for real? My brain is dripping out of my ears. Pauly gets another jab in: "Can we just call you 'Vurkel'?" And Roger issues the death blow, "I loved you in The Dukes of Hazzard."
A bit later, the attention turns to Deena's outfit. She's rocking her "bombshell bra" and a tight black dress. Everyone agrees on two things: 1) Deena looks hot and 2) Joey definitely doesn't want to date her. Deena doesn't try to argue with them, just weakly saying, "He calls..." Yeah. To arrange times to have sex with you. In the moments before the cabs arrive, Sitch is in final-stage planning as he hits up the confessional room. He says cockily, "It's been a little too calm lately. I'm gonna cause some drama, cause some action. 'Trouble' is my middle name!"
The gang arrives at Karma, where Snooki runs into Jionni's parents and invites them for a shot. Putting aside the fact that this is kind of weird, she says she's grateful that they still love her after her (literal) screw-up in Italy. Across the bar, Sitch finds Unit, who appears to have gotten a new Chinese symbol neck tattoo? Or maybe they just haven't shown it up close before. What I'm saying is, it's awful. I suppose I should be intrigued by this moment, but as The Situation whispers conspiratorially in Unit's ear, it's literally the same thing he has been saying in one form or another for the last 21 episodes of the show. Only to a tertiary jerk-off of a character who has worse hair, a wardrobe consisting solely of tank tops, and significantly less charisma. Did you think it was possible for someone to have less charisma than Ronnie?
Deena heads outside to find Joey and confronts him that he's vaguely hanging out with her "for the wrong reasons." He denies it, and she is more confused than ever. Sammi sees this going down and appoints herself Deena's protector
Sitch makes his way over to Snooki and the Jionnis. Snooki obligingly introduces Sitch to la famiglia while consciously avoiding any acknowledgment of Unit. With Jionni's family on the radar, Sitch claims things could get "too messy" and basically finds a reason to delay his diabolical (read: bullshit) plan -- AGAIN. It's only one of about a million ways in which this night is super-lame. Pauly and Vinny are surrounded by grenades, everyone is sweating like pigs, and did I mention Snooki is getting wasted with old people? Karma is not on its A-game.
Snooki starts agitating to leave the club. Sitch spots her and Jionni leaving and panics that his window is closing. They rush over to distract Jionni, who greets them like brothers. Snooki knows what's going on and continues to push for a swift exit while shooting Sitch daggers from her eyes. Sitch ineptly compares himself to a pitbull (which, kind of true if only for his looks) and ultimately decides to bring Unit back to the house to finally enact Operation: Jump Jionni.
Bonus footage: Wet T-shirt contest at the Shore Store! Danny is nothing if not professional -- also, pretty handy with a water balloon.
Shore House. Title card: "GO TIME." Which is kind of false advertising because we spend several minutes seeing Pauly and Vinny come up empty-handed while Deena tries and fails yet again to get a straight answer out of Joey. Whether he's genuinely offended by the accusation or just walking away from her to save himself the trouble of lying, I think we can all agree that his assessment of Deena as annoying is 100% correct -- specifically right now but also in general. After Deena chases Joey around the club nagging him for several minutes, she gives up and leaves, validated that she will have to once against take up residence on the corner of Victimhood Row and Lonelyheart Avenue. As she leaves, Joey watches her go with an impassive look on his face. I'm not sure if he cares or not, though his friend does counsel him, "Don't worry about her." Maybe he did care after all? Then again, not even I care at this point, so... moving on!
Which is exactly what the two straggling Karma couples are doing as they make their way back to the house. Instead of focusing all his penile energy on JWOWW, Roger whispers sweet guido nothing into Ronnie's ear, telling him, "I'm going to come in [your room], and I'm going to slap [my dick] on your forehead!" Ummmmm... okay.
Back outside da club, Unit is falling-down drunk and clearly in no position to stage some Sitch-iavellian ambush. They walk home, shirtless and embracing as Sitch gives Unit a pep talk about sobering up and preparing for war. Except that makes it sound a lot more macho and a lot less homoerotic than it is. Like, he's literally talking about changing his clothes. thing you know he'll be offering him sweat pants and spraying Unit down with Axe. Like, that is where this is going. And something tells me that Unit will be down for more than cuddling. He actually says, "I just need to get you a little more sober so you can handle some of my business." I think he even notices how ridiculous it sounds as the innuendo crosses his lips. Then again, Sitch basically thinks everything he says is a mixture of Eddie Murphy hilarity, Sun Tzu strategery, and Shakespearian eloquence, so he could just be chuckling a congratulation to himself for another brilliant turn of phrase. Unit is certainly in no shape to respond.
JWOWW and Roger arrive home and head for the Smush Room. Pauly tells Vinny, "What's going to go upstairs is just gross." Unlike his almost nightly getting-it-in with a nameless string of human glory holes, love making is absolutely repulsive. Repulsive, I say!
In an epically ironic preemptive moment, Unit is arrested for public intoxication! It's like Snooki made a deal with the devil to dole a knife-twisting dose of "Suck it!" in which her foe would be felled by the very demons that plague her. Sitch is genuinely broken and mortified -- not for his drunk tank-bound friend, mind you, but for the fact that his dumbass plan has failed yet again. Sitch goes to bed to wait it out while Unit endures his police-supervised sobering-up. As he lies there, he decides to go rogue once and for all, turning Operation: Jionni Jump into a one-man affair (pun intended).
The morning, while making calls to check up on Unit, the chance lands in Sitch's lap (just like Snooki's face, oh!) when Jionni wakes up and heads to the kitchen. With Snooki snoring in the room, Sitch moves in for the kill: "It's my moment." They head out to the porch for a "private" conversation. He starts off by telling Jionni, "I'm just gonna, like, make this really quick and as painless as possible." Title card: "IT'S ON."
week: Sitch lays his cards on the table, Snooki grabs everything off the nearest table to throw at him, and the kids inexplicably go camping. Probably mainly so Sitch can light a massive, symbolic, compensatory bush fire.
Also worth noting, a preview aired for The Pauly D Project (starting March 29). It looks utterly boring. So boring I can barely pick out any salient details, except maybe that Pauly has a lot of fat friends. Still, I will totally watch.