Previously: It was love for everyone at the Jersey Shore -- The Situation and Lola the Bunny Suit, Pauly and his stalker, and Roger and JWOWW's boobs.
It's back at Karma, where JWOWW's "dress" inspired some schmuck (or as the Italians would say, "strappo") to think he was within his rights to grope her and assault his with his vodka-Red Bull dragon breath. Long story short, the guy makes the stupid decision to punch Roger. Cue the title card: "ROGER FIGHTING." I love how literal they are sometimes. The guy gets dragged out by the bouncer as Ronnie intones -- as if he's the first ever to think of it -- "Karma's a bitch!" Alas, there is no title card that follows, "RONNIE LAUGHING." It seems like they've barely been there before the gang decides to go home. Such is the shut-it-down power of JWOWW and her "dress."
Everyone arrives back at the Shore House. Snooki is ready to get it on, but Jionni decides to inconvenience her life by getting violently ill. She practically drags him off the toilet and plops a bucket down to him so he can satisfy her sexual needs. And get another UTI, presumably. Also? How is she still turned on when he is clearly going to have vomit breath? And why do I continue to try to judge Snooki by the hygiene standards of a normal person?
JWOWW is in a similar bind when Sitch tantalizes Roger with his hearty feast of carrots, celery, and mayo, thus pulling him away from JWOWW and the smush room. Sitch feeds him not one but two turkey burgers while JWOWW rolls around on the bare mattress upstairs, calling out his name impatiently. Notably, she's put on a T-shirt and booty shorts, plus hooker boots (like Vivian's in Pretty Woman). At first I thought she hadn't bothered to take off her club garb, but it appeared she actually made a point to change into these boots as part of her mating dance. Roger is a thigh-high boots guy, apparently. JWOWW heads out to the balcony to try to coax Roger upstairs, but he's all, "I got another sandwich comin'!" She mopes off as Roger says, "I'm actually in love." Ronnie: "With your sandwich!" JWOWW returns back outside just as Roger and Ronnie are talking trash about how bossy she's been the last few days, so she retaliates by throwing some resistance bands on his head. Only on the Jersey Shore! She says, "Obviously someone's not getting laid tonight." I think she means Roger, but she's also waving her hand like "Me!" while saying this. Point being, it's a lose-lose. Roger says brazenly that he won't kiss JWOWW's ass, and then about two seconds later, "All right, I better get going. I'm gonna get my ass kicked." Interestingly, this was actually a moment when I thought, "These two are going to make it!"
Back upstairs, Jionni is still trying not to spew everywhere as Snooki leads him to the bed. She can't even capitalize on his semi-consciousness and forcibly seduce him before he passes out. She starts haranguing him for being a bad boyfriend because, and I quote, "A boyfriend's job is to come over, have sex, and make your girlfriend feel good." Yep, that's all it is.
After the sex robotsboyfriends leave the morning, Sammi wanders around wondering what to do with her day. Deena suggests (totally unprompted by the producers, I'm sure) that they go fishing. Vinny snarks, "I already caught crabs last night!" but it's been decided. Off they go!
They arrive at the dock, where the guy is literally tying a fish head to a metal trap when JWOWW asks, "You don't have, like, cappucinos or espressos or anything?" This isn't Europe, honey. They go outside and drop their traps. Snooki notes that there is, in fact, a fish known as the snook (Wikipedia tells me it's the common snook, which is even more appropriate). Someone hooks Ronnie's tank top, narrowly missing his ass/grundle/junk (damn). And Vinny catches the smallest fish ever. They pull up their traps and many of them have lured some crabs -- which they immediately get so freaked out by that those little suckers crawl right back into the water. The Situation actually doesn't catch any crabs, which is the exact opposite of how he performs sexually. He decides to call it a day for the fishing and get some sun. Vinny can't resist dropping a skittering crab on him, and frankly, I think he was more startled (and probably more turned on) by Lola.
Then the Meatballs decide they're going to go rafting. Of course there are the obvious sight gags with a tiny person (Deena) trying to carry a huge inflatable boat, and then the inevitable ineptitude when they try to paddle against the harsh winds, plus a few moments of Snooki yelling, "Row! Row!" like the guinea pig in that Geico commercial. By the time they get trapped under a dock, Sitch decides he's had enough of these shenanigans. So he creates his own shenanigans along with Ronnie. They try to flip over the raft, creating much Meatball panic. Then Ronnie pulls the plug, and the raft begins deflating. Snooki says later, "This boat is sinking, and I've seen Titanic, and this is not going to end well." Meatball mayhem on the high seas!
Before you know it, Sammi says something is sharp. Deena mishears her and thinks there are sharks about. She tries to jump on the nearest dinghy, which is actually the sharp object that Sammi was warning her about, and there is a serious bit of physical comedy as Deena can't summon the strength to pull herself into the boat and just bobs up and down in the water for several minutes. Did I mention that a pretty sizable crowd has gathered at this point? Two seconds later, they fall into the water. It's obviously very shallow because they can both stand up and be only partially submerged. Deena, who has lost an eyelash amidst all this, flops back into the raft and some guy jumps in to drag her back to shore (the shore that is about two yards away). Snooki just stands there looking like a disoriented drowned rat and clutching her water bottle full of booze. So basically, it's like any Tuesday at Karma.
Back home, Ronnie takes a really stinky dump. Which Sitch then sprays liberally with Axe. I don't know what's worse. Also? This is officially the lamest single episode of this show ever. (Then again, the clogged toilet had a multi-episode arc two seasons ago, so maybe I should be counting my blessings.)
Deena, Pauly, and Vinny head to work. Danny tells Pauly that his stalker stopped by the day before. He admits, "I was kind of afraid to talk to her, honestly." Pauly says that Vanessa's (that's her name) aggressive pursuit is putting all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts in his head that are "messing with [his] blowout." But we can't be bothered with these dark thoughts at the moment because Vinny explains to a customer that DTF means "Down To Fish." Wow, they're really struggling for content this season.
That night, Snooki and Sitchy are talking out on the patio. He asks how things are with Jionni. She says they're perfect and that she wants to marry him. Sitch jokes that he is going to storm Snooki's wedding. She snaps, "I'll shoot you with a pistol in your fuckin' eyeball." Two things: 1.) I love how Snooki just became the Annie Oakley of Seaside and 2.) Can someone please produce a remake of The Graduate with The Situation, Snooki, and, like, Valeria Golino? While we wait with bated breath for that, Snooki gets her pee-panties in a bunch because Sitch is questioning her relationship. She recognizes that the relationship is a mess, but to have Sitch point that out? Unacceptable. Fair enough. I would never want The Situation telling me I had any flaws. I mean, look at him.
The title card reads "BALLS," so lord only knows what's about to come our way... Ahhhh, it's literal balls, as Snooki and Sitch head back inside to play a good, old-fashioned game of ladder toss with lots of gratuitously heavy-handed innuendo. Though it starts off dreadfully boring, Sitch spices it up by proposing a wager: Whoever loses has to dress up as Lola the Vegas Prostitute Bunny for a full 15 minutes out in public. Oh, it's on! Sitch wins -- as if there were any other outcome. Give Snooki enough Ron Ron Juice, and she would have dressed up as Lola anyway. This is a person who's wearing a T-shirt that she has pulled down beneath her red satin bra just to chill out around the house in. The chance to drop a bunny head on top of that is a pleasure not a burden.
Ladies and gentleman of Karma, I now present to you... Lola! The prostibunny waddles in and basically nobody notices. Lola takes shots, she gets a little Jersey Turnpike action from JWOWW, she gets sandwiched between The Situation (in front) and Deena (in back). Snooki's 15 minutes finish, so Lola's head gets passed around to as many people as want a round with her. Sitch even does a tribute to Ronnie's Gumby ankles as Lola.
But Lola's not the only slut on the prowl tonight. Some girl struts up to Sitch and tells him in a number of ways (mostly literal) that she's DTF. Soon enough, they're triple kissing with another chick, and Sitch explains to us that he's "the hunter-gatherer of the group." In this case, mostly the gatherer. You can't really hunt an animal if she impales herself and lays herself at your feet. And she brings with her two more tricks, uh, I mean friends for Pauly and Vinny. With that, everyone decides to head home.
The Meatballs and Lola decide to go on a little side trip to the beach. I'm imagine this going to a very bad place, with Lola's head bobbing in the surf the morning. Instead, it's a fairly mundane affair -- save for a slow-mo shot of Deena's mini-meatballs bouncing Baywatch-style -- and a policeman arrives to end the surfside merriment. He actually calls Snooki, Nicole -- such is the Seaside PD's familiarity with Snooki. Deena proves quite the spunky one, actually trying to pick up the cop while he's thisclose to arresting her. Even Snooki's all, "Deena, shut up."
Unfortunately for Skanky Skankerson and the Skeezer Sisters, this little diversion totally robbed them of their 15 minutes of fame. They've literally been smushed up and pushed out by the time the Meatballs arrive home. Hope it was worth it, DTF brigade!
The morning, Snooki decides to solve her still-drunk early-onset hangover by consuming more booze. Maybe I did college wrong, but is "drinking it off" a thing? Apparently it is for Snooki! She ropes in Ronnie. They head out, sit down for their first shot, and then Snooki excuses herself. She has a surprise in mind for Ronnie -- she's going to buy the first mini-motorcycle she sees. Despite the fact that the thing is motorized, Ronnie pushes her down what seems like the entire length of the Boardwalk. Hey guys, you're doing it wrong! (That could apply to this scenario or, you know, life in general.) They do have one kind of funny run-in with some blurry-faced old man who I imagine looks like the father-in-law from The Descendants underneath the pixelation. At least he has the attitude to match. Ronnie accidentally swerves the bike and cuts him off. He tells them, "You're pulling right in front of me. Don't do that! Get off my lawn!" (Okay, I added that last part.) Snooki says genially, "Sorry, gramps!" Ronnie explains his fascination -- to everyone else, it's a mini-bike, but to Snooki, it's full-sized. It's the simple pleasures in life...
Bonus footage: Just as the gang is discussing (with plenty of editor-inserted flashbacks) how they always manage to sets grills and stovetops on fire, lo! A napkin takes light right in front of them. Point prove. And might I add, Time wasted?
Shore Store. JWOWW, Pauly, and Sitch report for their shift. Sitch basically spends the first half of the shift ordering dinner while Pauly parades around with "JERSEY GIRL" underwear hanging from the back of his pants. A little later, Pauly's stalker is in the building. JWOWW talks shit about how creepy she is for several minutes, all to no avail, so she decides to bring in the big guns and actually calls the girl over. She's curious because Vanessa is carrying a bag. Vanessa claims it's just a blanket, but she's acting really cagey. JWOWW thinks there's probably some chloroform, duct tape, a little rope/twine, and whatever you use to lure guidos away from their guardians (a bottle of Jäger and a can of spray tan?). Pauly thinks that he'll be "DJ Pauly Dead" by the end of the night Vanessa doesn't go away, and JWOWW finally is like, "Stop staring at my roommate like an obsessive psycho." Vanessa: "Have I been making it awkward?" She claims she has a boyfriend (only when JWOWW asks, though), and clams up when JWOWW follows up, "Who? Pauly?" Uhhhh... I stick by my original assessment that ol' Vanessa may not be all there.
Back at the house, Snooki drunk dials Jionni. He is not amused by her giddy prattling. I believe the phrase is, "You are disgusting!" Vinny, on the other hand, has a mischievous glint in his eye as he listens to her squealing and screaming about sucking Li'l(er) Jionni. Vinny sneaks up behind Snooki and drops his (ladder toss) balls on her forehead. Snooki of course screams, "Ewwwww! Vinny just dropped his balls on me!" Long story short, Snooki and Jionni don't end the conversation well.
With all that energy in that drunk little body, Snooki wants to go out and dance! Vinny decides to get while the gettin's good and agrees to join her. They hit up a bar and dance like old-timers, fake-hobbling toward each other like they're 90. She says in a little(r) old lady voice, "Do you remember when we were on Jersey Shore? Oh, my hip! My hip!" It's weird, but kind of cute? Mostly cute is that she actually blushes a little when talking about it in a (presumably) sober interview later. Title card: "HORNY BONES."
Soon enough, Vinny's had his fill of pretending to be retirement community candidates. He suggests they get ice cream, to which Snooki asks, "Ice cream? What are we, four?" How is that worse than dance around like the guido Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn? She proposes they get shots instead and literally drags him into a bar. She interviews, "If Jionni wasn't [sic] in the equation, I would hook up with Vinny. Obviously. [Belch]" Vinny refuses to take a shot (I'm guessing because of his depression/anxiety and/or meds he's taking to cope with it), and Snooki is all kinds of grumpy about it. She gives up pretty quickly, though, and they leave their shots untouched on the bar. (Snooki even tries to scamper back to take them, but Vinny pulls her away.) Somewhere, a guido fairy just dropped dead. They walk away, Snooki cupping Vinny's tush, and he says, "Tonight... who knows what's gonna happen?" On the walk home, Vinny asks if Snooki needs to shower. She says yeah, and he says he needs to, too. Snooki: "Should we go together?!" Vinny doesn't need to answer because he is the answer. Title card: "OLD FLAME."
Wow, this was one lame-ass episode. I'm giving it an F+ grade for reasons twofold: First, an F+ is inherently a more insulting grade than a straight F -- and I would know because I got an F+ on a math test one time -- it burned! Second, I have to give some credit for Lola's Karma appearance and Deena's ridiculous flopping between the deflated raft and the dinghy. Those ephemeral thrills aside, let's hope things pick up...
week: Only three episodes left! Pauly gets jealous that Snooki is stealing his boyfriend. Deena questions Joey's feelings for her. The gang goes camping. Sitch plays with fire (literally this time), prompting Deena to say, "He's, like, one of those people... a hermaphrodite or whatever." Uh, Deena, the word you're looking for is pyromaniac, but the notion of Sitchy as a hermaphrodite is intriguing... Vinny hooks his great white whale, bedding a couple of lesbians. Sitch finally initiates Operation: Jionni Jacking, and Snooki throws lots of things at him.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!