Previously: Relationships were frayed -- JWOWW and Roger's, the Meatballs and Danny's. But Paula and The Situation were getting along swimmingly -- swimming in a pool of disease, that is.
We return to JWOWW's fraught conversation with Roger. He accuses her of not trusting him and calls her a damaged child, essentially, but insists that he loves her and wants to be with her. He asks, "So what do you want to do?" She affirms that she wants to be with him, they say a mutual "I love you" and squash this beef. JWOWW caps it off romantically: "Yeah, my ass is bleeding [from this reaming]."
They hang up amicably, and JWOWW updates the girls. Once they hear Roger was only late -- that he didn't cancel her -- they're like, "You're an idiot." Deena says, "Roger's, like, 65 years old. He's not going to be playing all these baby games like she did with Tom." First off, no one is older than Grandpa Sitch. Second off, no one is older than Grandpa Sitch! Deena calls JWOWW and brat, and she admits, yeah, she was.
Later, Vinny is giving the Meatballs a hard time for skipping out on work. Deena feels Meatball remorse, as does Snooki... ish. Her grand gesture of apology would be to buy Danny a bagel. Because nothing says "My bad!" like a flavorless carb fest that costs $1. Even Sammi is, like, "That idea sucks, Snickers." So Snooki revises her plan, suggesting they should make Danny a cake. They throw an entire stick of butter in the batter and then settle down. After a minute, they realize they don't know how long it should bake. Pauly says straight-faced, "65 minutes." Deena recognizes that's not right and starts to worry the cake has been in for too long. They skitter to the kitchen and notice they never even put the damn thing in. This apology is getting more and more sincere by the minute! Flash forward 65 minutes or so, and they pull out the cake, ice it up (complete with little Meatball stick figures), and cling wrap it up. It's actually kind of adorable. Not $6,700 dollars adorable -- which is about what they got paid for this little diversion, but whatevs... Snooki noshes in the kitchen while everyone goes to bed. A minute later, Sitch putters into the kitchen, and Snooki shows him her handiwork. He gives the cake an ominous look. Uh oh...
The morning, SamRo2.0 and Deena wake up for work. Ronnie walks through the kitchen and notices a conspicuous slice taken out of the cake. He jokes, "I think we have mouse," and Deena comes charging down the stairs, freaking out. She immediately assumes The Situation was the culprit. Sitch claims innocence, but nobody believes him. The kids report for work, and Danny says pointedly, "Hello Ronnie, hello Sammi... [crickets]." Deena hands over her mangled cake and blames Sitch. Danny gives her a consolation hug for trying, kind of like you would for a four-year-old who gave you over a crushed flower.
Meanwhile, JWOWW drives Snooki to the doctor. Wait? She hasn't gotten that UTI sorted out yet? I'd be freaked out, if I didn't remember that she "cleaned" her addled vagina with body spray and slept in a bed she peed in. Silver lining: Snooki probably has a much more resilient immune system than the rest of us. Silver lining: Snooki doesn't have rectal bleeding... yet. Dark cloud: She should lay off the booze on her antibiotics. She vows to only have one drink. Probably "one" of those glasses that holds an entire bottle of wine -- except filled with tequila.
Back on the Boardwalk, Deena gets an airbrush tattoo sleeve. She heads back to the Shore Store, where they have cake. Ronnie tells her it has a weird smell, so she leans in to Danny's plate. He smashes the cake in her face. Nailed it!
Sitch heads to the Shore Store for work, noting that Snooki and JWOWW are M.I.A. He makes a point of tattling to Danny as if it will make Danny suddenly forget that Sitch literally sleeps on the job at every shift. Danny does get rather riled up about Snooki's seemingly insincere apology. He calls the house, and Vinny tells him the gory details about Little Snooki. Danny pretty immediately shuts down at the news of lady problems but does express irritation that he didn't even get a phone call.
Snooki realizes as they walk into the store an hour late that she should have called Danny. She knows he's going to take it out on her. And so he does, telling the girls to cart a truckload of boxes to the shed and handing them a bottle of Windex to clean the display case. Snooki deems it "abuse." The actual abuse victims of the world would be laughing... if they weren't crying. A bit later, Sitch starts to groan about being tired. JWOWW asks him if maybe he's bogged down by carbs and chocolate icing. Sitch insists he didn't eat the cake and decries the kangaroo court that has convicted him. In an interview, he says, "Did I eat the cake? Holy shit did I eat the cake!" I think there might be a little creative editing going on here because the way he says it doesn't contain the usual villainous glee. More like a sarcastic irritation with his roommates' judgment. Or maybe I've finally been flipped to Sitch's Side (not to be confused with Jenna's Side).
Indeed, I was right! At home, Pauly grabs Deena up in his arms and rocks her around as he mischievously admits he ate the cake. Cut to film footage as proof. Meanwhile, I want Pauly to eat my cake so he'll wrap me up in his tacky tattooed arms like that. And by "eat my cake," I do indeed mean eat my cake. Hubba hubba. Deena feels bad she jumped to the Situation and has to admit that, in this case, his lunatic paranoia is founded. She admits as much to him and apologizes for blaming him, so what does he do? Throw it in her face and continue to rant about how "good" he's been these last few weeks. Oh yeah, and he's on a diet. He's very insistent he's on a diet. Meanwhile, who would go on a diet while filming this show? It's like vowing celibacy right before you join a sex colony. Anyway, Sitch says (for the seven trillionth time) that he only gets attention when he's being bad, so "Mean Mike" might as well come out. Are they just looping this same clip into every episode, or did they really get him to say this same bullshit line over and over again? From my scattered, vague recollections, I feel like he's worn several different shirts while making this statement. Maybe they just had him change in rapid-fire and repeat the same mission statement over and over again? I won't lie, though, if I were getting 100 grand an ep, I would say them in a box. I would say them with a fox. I would say them in a house, I would say them with a mouse. I would say them here or there. I would say them anywhere.
Sitch heads to the duck phone to get back-up. His friend Second-Fiddle Bobby informs him The Unit is still in Florida, which deeply disappoints old Sitchy: "Looks like the master plan is derailed for another night." [Ed. note: terms "master" and "plan" used very loosely].
Somehow he manages to pick up the pieces of his Unit-broken heart and head out to Karma with his roomies (who are looking extra tittylicious tonight, no?). He spots Bobby and asks, "How the hell are you, you big monkey?" That is going to be my new one-size-fits-all greeting. LOVE. IT.
Over at the bar, the girls down copious shots in honor of Paula's birthday. Snooki explains her complete dismissal of a medical diagnosis as such: "My doctor told me not to drink a lot, and I knew it was going to be so hard not to drink. So I just gave in, and I drank... and I drank... and I drank." She adds, "Honestly, I drank so much that my friggin' UTI was drunk. So now I know he's happy, I'm happy... everybody's happy." Yeah, take that logic to AA, sister. (And since when did a UTI become a he?)
Sitch finds Paula and wishes her a happy birthday. Well, technically she kind of has to nudge him into it, but at least he does remember. He gets a goofy smile on his face that's actually kind of adorable. And then they start making out, Paula lifts up his shirt and starts rubbing on his Situation, and Sitchy tells us, "For Paula's birthday, we're definitely smashing." Okay, I think I'm going to throw up before the shots kick in, and the girls have to. (Have you noticed how they never vomit on this show? Obviously, that's a deliberate editorial choice. But why? So as not to spoil the show's "glamour"? Pshaw...)
The gang leaves Karma. Sitch carries Paul down the street caveman-style while smacking her on the ass frequently. She screams about her camel toe, which Pauly assures her is perfectly fine on her birthday. They arrive home, and Sitch announces, "Birthday sex!" First they go up to the roof deck, and have a lovey-dovey moment as they talk about how it's taken them three years to get to this point. Sitch says he chooses her over everyone, which can't be that hard of a choice since he has like -13 friends, including The Unit. Still, she says it makes her feel special. They smooch as Sitch admits that it's hard for him to wife up, but that may just be where he's headed.
The morning, Paula brags about her birthday sex to Sammi as Sammi waits for Snooki to get ready to work. Sammi approves -- both of the birthday sex and of Paula in general. She says that she thinks Sitch really does care for Paula deep down. Okay, I know this is the utterly wrong place and context to suddenly get morals, but what the eff kind of world is this when you have to justify that someone actually likes somebody they're having sex with? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but shouldn't that just be an assumed part of the deal? Okay, done. Sometimes I just need to get arbitrarily and inappropriately indignant to remind myself that my heart still beats and my entire purpose in this world isn't to be objectified by some hair-gelled, tattooed cretin. (But, yeah, Pauly could still totally eat my cake.) Anyhow, Sitch escorts Paula out on the way to work with the girls, and Snooki calls it "the hottest walk of shame [she's] ever seen."
Cue obligatory palate-cleansing sequence of HoYay! between Vinny and Pauly. They're strong as ever, and Vinny even paid for Pauly's lunch, and Pauly paid for Vinny's dry cleaning that morning. Man, that's some -level shit. Coming soon, a "distinctly elegant" mano a mano wedding. Now that it's legal, it's only a matter of time! The girl at the restaurant tells them, "Behave!" Pauly assures her, "We won't."
Night falls, and Deena calls her friend Joey to subtly orchestrate her pull that night. Snooki, JWOWW, and Sitch stay in while the others head to Jenk's. Ronnie gets his amazing, "Gumby ankles" monkey dancing on, the likes of which we haven't seen since Season 1, if I recall correctly. Sammi is laughing so hard she's cramping, and for a second you can see why these two joined forces in the first place. Why this particular ceasefire has lasted may always go down as a mystery, but I am very happy about it. Reality TV fodder be damned! I'm glad those two crazy kids have stopped abusing themselves and each other. (And my bosses probably just docked my pay for tonight's recap with such treasonous statements.)
Back at the house, Snooki has gotten bored after approximately 27 minutes of normalcy. She brings Lola out to the patio so they can listen to Sitch mutter incoherently about getting wasted and dressing up in whip cream together. Where did that come from? Snooki has to momentarily take off her outdated Gaga sunglasses to give him an appropriate amount of stank eye. Sitch impishly admits, "I'm definitely pushing the envelope right now. I'm just going to flirt with her a little until she bends... or blows me, whatever." Was I the only one that adored the little flash of devilish glee that flashed across Sitch's face in that moment? This past couple of minutes has been an encapsulation of everything that was once great about this show: Pauly pulling chicks, Vinny and JWOWW inconspicuously beating up the beat somewhere in the background, SamRo 2.0 not actively destroying each other's soul, Snooki going "Waaaaaaah!", and Sitch being just enough of a blowhard to be amusing.
Speaking of old classics, Snooki lays some golden era wisdom on us as she puzzles over "clock language." She says, miffed, "When I ask what time it is, and somebody says, 'Quarter past two,' just say it's fuckin', like... 2:30!" Oh Snooki. All this started when she explained that it's "12 to 10." Sitch corrects her that it's "10 to 12 [midnight]," which even still seems a little early for the schedule these kids keep, but I won't ponder it too much because it's already 17 past 12 where I am. Snooki, what time is that? Snooki continues to want to go out, and Sitch continues to try to tempt her with his fur handcuffs. She finally realizes she doesn't have to take this nonsense and stomps her little Yeti boots out of there.
Meanwhile, Deena and her trick Joey engage in a little dance floor foreplay before the gang decides to head home. They arrive back at the Shore House and head to the patio for a precoital smoke. Pauly takes the opportunity to prank Deena by putting every dirty dish in the house on her bed, plus the blender and a tub of muscle powder. It's not as good as the chair prank from Season 3, but I'll take it. Honestly, it's not as much crap as I would think. Most ridiculously, though, Deena heads into her bedroom and grabs several items off the comforter before noticing that there is a blender on there. How filthy must you be not to notice when there is a plate of three-day-old mac 'n' cheese on your bed?
Seriously. For a change, Deena immediately points to Pauly as the perp, but he does a good enough job proclaiming his innocence (not to mention the fact that Deena is slurring-drunk) that she questions her instincts and starts to apologize for accusing him. As she turns and walks out, Pauly shoots up and lets out a cartoonish silent laugh, then flops back down and covers his face with his blanket. He is literally kicking his feet with uncontrollable pleasure at his masterful feat of juvenile trickery. He really is a six-year-old child in the body of a 31-year-old meathead.
Deena excuses herself to tidy up and spray herself 379 times with eau de toilet (they don't show that second part, but you know it happened). Meanwhile, Snooki booze-shouts at Joey, "Who's this guy?" JWOWW reminds her that it's "Deena's man -- the one she likes." Snooki blurts excitedly, "Oh! You're here! Wooooo!" She interviews, "I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm not thinking, I'm just talking." That statement basically applies to 101 percent of Snooki's life. She threatens to kill Joey if he doesn't treat Deena right, then makes a big, sloppy production of getting a condom for him. Bless his heart, he's a really good sport about it. But a man has his limits, and he heads to Deena's food-soiled bed around the time Snooki and JWOWW start previewing Deena's sex noises (mostly merps, if you're wondering).
Deena heads to the bed and talks up her chastity ("I don't do sex with randoms") as Snooki wonders if they can go in and watch yet. JWOWW: "Give it five minutes 'cause it just got awkward." So the porn music begins as Snooki cures her boredom by waddling into the bedroom to stand in the corner like that girl from The Ring and watch Deena have sex. To the steady creak of the mattress springs, she decides to add her own soundtrack, making heaving noises. Joey looks out into the darkness warily as Snooki's all, "JK, I love you!" She plops into her bed as Deena pulls Joey back into her. And that, friends, will be the opening chapter of my forthcoming soft-core beach novel Meatball Midnight. (Truthfully, though, the sex couldn't have been that great because, when Joey removes the sheet, he's still wearing his boxers. Or is that how the kids are doing it these days?)
Bonus: Sammi throws a water balloon at the kids while they eat dinner. Ronnie gets soaked. He rises and walks away, just like Mr. Darcy emerging from the lake at Pemberley... only ape-ier.
The morning, Deena basks in the after-smush glow, and Sammi admits, "You can fall in love at the Jersey Shore. You never know what'll happen." Well, for starters, your glasses will probably get broken. And your spirit. It's not all unabated bliss, though. Deena has a backache, and she doesn't know if it's from gorilla banging or Jersey Turnpiking. Meatball problems! Vinny offers to stretch her out but must retreat when her little Meatball feet prove too stinky to be near.
A bit later, Sitch calls Unit to let him know Operation: Jump Jionni is still on. He puts it ever so delicately: "I feel bad that every time he's kissing his girl, he's kissing my [Li'l Sitch]."
That night, JWOWW prepares for her first post-makeup date with Roger by putting on not just the sluttiest dress I've ever seen her wear, but perhaps the sluttiest dress in all of creation. The creator of Filthy Couture has outdone herself! JWOWW explains, "I am wearing this out tonight to show Roger there are two big reasons why he stay with me." (Refer to "tittylicious" comment.) Snooki: "That's the JWOWW that we love." Truly, I feel like even Frederick's of Hollywood would look at that dress and be, like, "Nah, too whorish." Basically, take Morticia Addams, remove 30 yards of fabric, shape the remainder into Vivian's hooker dress from Pretty Woman, remove another 15 yards of excess fabric, strategically add some Flava Flav chains, then stretch the scraps of fabric that haven't relented over two mammoth flesh boulders. If you don't have a strong visual in your head yet, I'll point to this image.
Roger arrives, completely unaware of what surprise awaits him. As JWOWW opens the door, he tells her succinctly, "I like the outfit -- or lack thereof," and the duck phone quacks in hearty approval. JWOWW says all the fighting was worth it. Roger keeps rolling with the punches, asking, "What'd you make that out of, a handkerchief." JWOWW deadpans, "And some thread." She can tell her man is SAT-ISS-FIED, though she does worry he might have to defend her (*violent cough*) "honor" because of this sartorial selection. Okay, maybe not so much "worry" as breathlessly await.
Cabs are he-ah! They get to Karma, where security guards are stacked to the rafters and girls in animals prints are pouncing on each other like it's the actual jungle. JWOWW instinctively grabs her double-decker implants, lest an errant punch knock the stuffing out of them. She looks for a shirt to cover herself for when she inevitably gets into a fight. Roger's all, "Just don't fight," but JWOWW knows which way the wind blows, and she doesn't want her boobs popping out at the stiff breeze. Roger is also smart enough to cut the night short (plus: "Baby, I'm not dancing to Bon Jovi, let's go" -- ha!). The minute they turn toward the door, some drunk-o approaches JWOWW with a blurred face and an even blurrier sense of appropriate behavior. He gets in her face, grabbing her, and tugging at her "dress." Roger jumps in and shoves the guy. The first punch is thrown. To be continued...
week: Roger finishes a fight that blur-face started. The Meatballs take a raft out to sea, but alas it's only temporary because Snooki is back in time to have a stupid fight with Jionni. And Vinny picks over the rotting carcass of her relationship... again.