Previously: The Situation lost his marbles... well, technically they were hanging out of his unzipped pants. He went from confiding in Snooki to deciding she was plotting against him and calling to unleash the Unit on her. Meanwhile, JWOWW's relationship with Roger faltered.
We return in media res as Sitch called Unit to attack Snooki and Jionni like a starving hound. Alas, Unit would be in Miami. Sitch was obviously disappointed but rallied a little when he got to gossip like a teenage girl with Unit about his brother's hook-up with Deena's sister. They go back and forth about some sex act that is bleeped out and I am apparently too pristine of mind and soul to understand. Sorry for letting you readers down, but if you know what he's saying, well then shame on you! Wash your mind out with soap immediately. [Note: I used my Jersey girl powers to determine it was the slang word for "female ejaculation." -- RS.]
Speaking of people who could use a good washing, Snooki returns home from her vagina-doctor appointment, a.k.a. Father's Day Out. Also speaking of washing, the gang prepares to get ready for da club when Vinny tells Deena he's taking a dump. She's all, "Awesome, I'll come in to shower right after!" Appropriately, Deena is wearing a trucker hat that says "DIRTY" in graffiti text, and Pauly chimes in, "Go poop, and I'll clean that shit up for you." I know they're like family and all, but that is a little too open and honest for me. Maybe it's the uptight WASP in me, but I do not talk with my family about their bowel movements, and I certainly do not make plans specifically around (both physically and mentally) around them. Just me?
Downstairs, JWOWW is forlorn for the lack of Roger, and no amount of fresh-off-the-rack weave can console her. Upstairs, The Situation is snoring like the calf-high white sock-wearing old man he is. Snooki tries to wake him up to join them at da club, but he brushes her off and says he has a headache. (An excuse I'm sure he's heard many a time from former girlfriends.) Snooki interviews that this bullshit is exactly why nobody like ol' Sitch: Because he blows you off just when you're trying to be his friend. And maybe because he carries on entire conversations unaware that his dick is hanging out of his pants?
The kids head to Aztec, for which Vinny will not be serving as spokesman any time soon. He calls it a "sweat box" because "there's sweat and B.O. everywhere. I kind of feel like I'm back in Italy -- minus the arm pit hair." Add the Italian Tourism Board to organizations he'll never represent publicly. Regardless, the kids are having a good time. Snooki in particular (wearing a leopard print trucker hat and Yeti boots, it's worth noting... just because) demonstrates a fierce robot dance. JWOWW, however, is clearly not into it as she sways half-heartedly. She becomes the third roommate of the season (after Vinny and Sitchy) who is described as "in a funk" and, with that, the tri-funk-ta is complete! Snooki is annoyed that JWOWW is such a downer, but JWOWW soon rids her of this inconvenience by making an excuse about having work the morning (like that would ever stop a guido from beating up the beat!) and leaves early.
Vinny is in the midst of prowling for chicks. He lands on a DTF girl named Deanna that he admits isn't really up to standards. She's only a 5-6 looks-wise when he's looking for a 7-8. I utterly disagree and think she's super-cute, but it's no matter because he sends Deanna to marinate with Deena while he looks for better options. He quickly lands eyes on an Eve Mendes lookalike named Nikki and starts chatting her up. There's a brief moment when Deanna returns. It looks like Vinny is busted, but he pulls a one-two punch, innocently introducing her to Nikki (and bless her, she smiles and says hi like she on The Bachelor where this kind of bunk is acceptable) before Deena swoops in to take Deanna back to the dance floor. Of course Deena is actually proud of herself for this bullshit that only entitles these jackholes to continue to brutally objectify women and bolster their own inflated egos. Hrmph.
Across the club, Snooki is still sad that JWOWW flaked and decides she's drunk enough to stumble home alone. She initially tries to walk through a glass door, which works... not so well. Eventually she finds her way out onto the Boardwalk, where she sways and staggers and generally walks like a fresh-legged toddler. She does acknowledge that the Boardwalk is at least easier to walk on drunk than the Florentine cobblestones. Luckily, this lonely little adventure does not turn into a Lifetime abduction movie, and Snooki safely arrives home and passes out in all her clothes and shoes. Again. Fingers crossed the antibiotics have kicked in and she doesn't wet the bed tonight.
Back at Aztec, Nikki informs Vinny she's a girl-on-girl kind of girl. Instead of shutting him down and sending him into the arms of Deanna (who's still dancing with Deena), this only piques Vinny's interest. With his soft features, he thinks he would be a great transition for a lesbian back to straight society. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on Nikki's lesbianism. Either way, whether she likes girls or boys, it's clear she loves the camera because she goes home with the gang and lets Vinny drape his arms all over her along the way. All the while, poor desperate Deanna trails behind with Deena, little droplets of dignity and self-respect trailing behind her. Congratulations, Deanna, you just became Plan B! Even Deena says of Deanna, "She has no idea what the hell she's getting herself into." As everyone heads inside, Nikki says it's the end of the line, and there's old Plan B waiting in the wings.
The morning, JWOWW calls Roger. He finally answers and barely gets out a hello before she snaps, "Where the hell have you been?!" He laughs at her stank attitude before saying his phone got messed up, and he had to take the day off to address it (even though he has a work phone). JWOWW is pissed because Roger never takes the day off for her (you'll remember that his plan to come to Italy last season fell through because he couldn't get time off work). Seriously though, isn't he a professional body builder or trainer or something? It's not like he's a baby doctor or the president. Surely he has a fairly flexible schedule, no? But I digress... She hangs up and goes to bitch to Snooki, interviewing, "I feel like I know where I stand, and he can go fuck himself." That's love, folks.
Snooki finally drags herself out of her bed to first confess that she's needs a therapist and AA meeting, then to precariously plop herself into the roof deck hammock for an extension nap-slash-kibbutz with the seagulls. The confession continues, "Daytime altogether is, like, so fucking annoying. Like, go away! In Arkansas, it's always dark out. So you just... everything's dark. Always." (Step one, she's thinking of Alaska. Step two, it's actually the opposite. Another victory for American schooling!) Snooki tries to get out of the hammock and... splat. As the guys say goodbye to their tricks (Deanna was only average, says Vinny), Snooki lies on the hammock base for some time more, contemplating whether to poop or throw up. She gets up just long enough to sweep the bed (wha?) in the Communal Smush Room, note a gross stain on the mattress, and then lie down and wrap herself around a broom for another cat nap.
Duck phone! JWOWW answers, and Roger doesn't even recognize her voice. He tells her he's stuck at work and is going to be late for her date. He'll be there by 5 PM, but she has to be back home by 6:30 PM. He asks if she wants to reschedule, she gives him a disappointed "meh," and the argument quickly spins out to a climax of her unloading all her grievances (and calling him out for being at the beach with his boys, not her) on him. She rains her wrath down on him and hangs up without giving him the chance to respond. She tells Sammi she feels like Roger doesn't consider a priority for him, concluding, "the damage is done." Honey, the damage was done when you put on those pink boots and that Flashdance top.
Pauly and the Meatballs head to work, aching to make trouble. They bitch about the broken air conditioner then spend several minutes playing the follow game (i.e. running one after another). They're short enough that Danny can barely see their neon pink trucker hats bobbing up and down over the clothing racks. When he's not looking, they slip out of the store and go running down the Boardwalk. Freedom! Now they know what it must have felt like for William Wallace. One of their coworkers immediately guesses they probably ran to the bar (where there are, indeed, ordering two shots of SoCo... what was that about AA, Snooki?). Danny heads off to bring back the "dingbats."
As he walks out, Pauly jokes, "Put the music on, the boss is gone!" But there would be no music. Except maybe the Bernard Herrmann-esque shrieking of violins because Pauly quickly spots his stalker, whose clear awareness of the camera and pointed looks at the camera are kind of starting to think she's a little wackadoo. I know a Situation she'd get along nicely with! Pauly walks deeper into the store to hide from his pursuer. Coincidentally, that's exactly what Snooki and Deena do when Danny (who, according to Deena, "is being such an annoying") arrives at the bar. Shockingly Snooki's gamble on hiding under a ping pong table in broad daylight doesn't pay off. The girls, it turns out, are not above the law, and Deena tells Danny as they shame-walk back home, "You're not my friend anymore." Adding insult to injury, just a few minute later, a girl asks, "Where a good place to get a drink on the Boardwalk?" Since the girl is apparently a bachelorette, the girls appoint themselves her Meatballs of Honor and take her for a drink. Danny notices a little later and asks, "Are you kidding me?" The shift is winding down, so he defeatedly asks Pauly to tell the Meatballs they're in trouble.
Back at the house, Sitch is still sleeping and snoring, snoring and sleeping. Pauly arrives home to tell the others about his stalker. JWOWW thinks this girl is like Kathy Bates' character in Misery and is but a sledgehammer away from "smashing [Pauly's] kneecaps [sic]." Pauly also tells them about the Meatballs dipping out of work, and everyone decides to go find the little drunken moppets, though JWOWW admits she's only joining the bandwagon because she doesn't want to get stuck at home with Sitch. They roll out and quickly find the Meatballs dancing like it's Riccione 2011. JWOWW splinters off from the guys to join them, and Snooki admits she's happy her girl has hit a rough patch in her relationship because it means she'll join them in getting
target="_blank">#STUPiDFACEDD. (Yeah, I know I've linked to that before, but it's a classic, even without the dance-your-pants-off hilarity.)
On the Boardwalk, Pauly spots his stalker rockin' her airbrush "PAULY D" Italian flag trucker hat and "CABS ARE HERE!" customized shirt. He becomes concerned.
Back home, The Situation finally wakes up and is dispirited to find that everyone abandoned his ass. More accurately, he's dispirited that he's not in control. If the group goes out and he cut himself off, that's all good. If they take the power from him by not constantly talking (even if it's shit-talking), then he basically ceases to exist. Sitch is like the proverbial tree in the forest. Only more of an asshole. Once again he references how nice he's been (nice like showing his roommates his junk?) the "whole summer" (the whole summer like the last four or five non-continuous days?) and sets the others up to be blamed when "sooner or later" the bad guy in him comes out. Obviously no one has ever told Sitch he has a choice whether or not to be a shithead.
The Meatballs arrive home and, though it's dark, claim it's still early. Snooki invites Sitch to join them in going out, which confuses him because it doesn't conform with this utterly made-up vision of her as a villainess that he made up in his head about 24 hours ago. He decides to go with her, if only to forward his plans of her demise. As Snooki gets ready, JWOWW tearfully mopes about Roger's absentee boyfriend behavior. Snooki doesn't even look in her direction as she issues a dismissive, "Poopy, you'll be fine." Snooki has more important things to do than console her friend -- like murder her liver and spend hours of her life that she'll never get back with Sitch.
Elsewhere, Vinny and Pauly spend the evening playing a little cue ball and lobbing grenades at one another. Awesomely, Pauly's stalker is in the building yet again. Vinny: "We think she snuck a GPS system into Pauly's blowout." Of course he leaps at the chance to introduce Pauly and this Boardwalk goddess formally. To Pauly's credit, he does humor the girl (Vanessa, the same name as his sister!) for a few awkward moments before announcing, "I gotta go to the bathroom real bad!" and dipping out of there. He concedes, "It's fair to say Vinny won this battle, but he will not win the war!"
The Meatballs conclude their evening of dancing on bars and head back home in the cab with Sitch. As they issue him backhanded compliments ("Who would have known we could have fun with you?") and commend him for not being a shit stirrer, he interviews that he's currently keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. Sitch laughs along with the girls as they giddily cheer about being "Bodacious! Vivacious!" And that was the night Team Crazypants was born.
Bonus footage: Snooki's bunny has a name -- Lola! (That's my Italian nickname!) Snooki sits out on the patio, making up Lola like a grade-A tart, and tells her, "You were a hit today. Everybody loved you!" Cue flashbacks of "Lola" riding roller coasters and partying on the Boardwalk. Lola is from Vegas, apparently, so "no one can handle [her]."
The day, Deena is assuring Sammi and Ronnie that the Meatballs didn't get in trouble for drinking through work. Pauly corrects this misapprehension, telling them Danny was irate. Deena suddenly remembers that real people face consequences for their decision and worries that she might get fired and kicked out of the house. Ronnie advises her to apologize before her shift, so Deena heads to the duck phone. He tells her, "An apology's not going to get you very far" and refuses to give them a verdict on whether they'll be fired or not. (They won't.)
The kids wile away the afternoon with ridiculata: Snooki and Ronnie head upstairs to set up a bag toss game (why? don't ask...). Snooki can't resist stuffing herself into the box, and Vinny can't resist sneaking up behind her to knock her over. Downstairs JWOWW wonders, "How is there a pretzel in my makeup?" Sunday dinner (a traditional meal of Chinese takeout) arrives, and the kids sit down. Sitch asks Deena about her sister and his brother. She is hopeful about their prospects while Sitch puzzles over the possibility he could become Deena's brother-in-law. It seems a distant possibility, mind you, because Baby Deena is The Sitchlet's rebound from a nine-year relationship. As such, everyone basically calls Deena's sister a big fat whore. To her credit, Deena shuts that disrespect down immediately. Way to stand up for yourself, li'l Meatball!
Sitch tires of playing nice with Deena and heads to the phone to get some dirty details from Unit. Unit is scant on details but seems to think Deena's sister has been the victim of a smash-and-dash. Sitch tries to be discreet (an impossible feat), but Deena happens upon the conversation. She admits she's disappointed to have to think about any familial relationship with Sitch at all because, even though he's been nice for a couple days, a "leopard never shed its stripes." Okay, readers, just let that malapropism sink in for a few minutes. She only had to get out five words, and she still managed to fuck up three of them. Further, I suspect if she had spelled that sentence out, she would have used "it's." Zero points, Deena.
The Situation hangs up the phone, but it quacks a split-second later. Baby Deena's ears must have been burning because it's her. He asks her how things are going with his brother, and BD tells him from the land of ignorant bliss that she'd love to see Sitchlet again. She claims they talk every other day on the phone. Sitch nearly does the humane thing in telling her that his brother just got out of a long relationship, but he undoes all the gentle letdown potential at the end telling her, "but at the same time I know he likes you. I want things to work out between you guys because I think it's cute." She takes his domino setting-up in earnest, not knowing he just wants to have something to laugh at when it all falls apart. Then he can't help himself to implore, "Tell your sister that I spoke to you and that I'm very nice -- because she thinks I'm the devil." And after tonight, so will Baby Deena
Upstairs, the kids are partaking in old-timey fun, tossing beans and flying kites. Sitch tells Deena about his devil comment to BD. Deena breaks down the semantics: "I don't think you're the devil, Mike. Sometimes I think you're devilish." As she says this, smoke wafts around his head (from his cigarette, but still...). Deena insists she'll always be on her toes with Sitchy.
The morning, Vinny and Pauly heads to the gym, where Roger vents to them about his frustration that JWOWW is talking down to him. Vinny thinks JWOWW needs to grow up. They head home and report Roger's side of the story to JWOWW and urge her to call him. JWOWW admits she still thinks Roger is wrong but swallows her pride to call Roger and apologize to him. He turns the tables and acts just as stank to her as she did to him the other day. He thinks it's his turn since she "said [her] piece and then hung up like a coward." He says the tension between them has been building for weeks because she doesn't trust him. He calls her a hypocrite and threatens that will be "damned" and "ruined" if she doesn't get over herself.
week: The painful phone call continues. The Meatballs bake Danny a "We're sorry" cake. Snooki suggests he and Snooki suit up in whipped cream, but it's Deena who gets the sweet, sweet lovin' with an old hook-up (while Snooki watches). Things turn bitter when Roger gets in a fight defending JWOWW's honor.