Previously: Under the heinous threat of having to meet new people, the kids literally abducted Vinny from his mental health week and dragged him back to the Shore. Suck it, sanity!
On the ride back to Seaside, Pauly claims the Smush Room because "I got my boyfriend back!" Vinny then says, "I'm tryin' to get laid tonight!" Vinny, were you not listening? You're spoken for. Don't forget the lube!
They arrive home and fill Vinny in on the latest, specifically the unsettling reality of The Situation acting nice. Pauly even refers to him as "The Situation," not "Mike," so you know he must be really turned around. Even Vinny admits he prefer when Sitchy acts like a douchebag. I'm assuming purely for entertainment. But maybe also because they're worried that Sitch's friendliness and courtesy is just a cover-up for deeper malice. At least when he's acting like a jackhole, you know he's putting himself out there and not plotting your death by tanning bed and/or grenade.
Nary a minute passes before the kids decide to go out drankin'. Well, actually, once they're ready, they learn that there are no cabs available for 45 minutes. The look of horror that passes each of their faces when they realize they're all tricked out and have to actually spend time together is pretty priceless. That sort of group bonding only flies in Italy, yo. While they wait, JWOWW calls Roger and leaves a message. She admits she hasn't seen him as much as she thinks she should and wonders what's up. We'll have to wait for the installment of that riveting drama because we cut over to Sitch talking about his plans for his new tattoos: "LOYALTY" and "BETRAYAL," one on each of his inner forearms. Wow, that's even worse than Pauly's "CADILLAC" tattoo or Vinny's new "LET GO, LET GOD." Then again, just as Pauly used to be a car salesman and Vinny's a neurotic mess, Sitch is a full-time dickwad, so maybe marring his flesh with hackneyed "Ride or die" mantras is appropriate. Snooki does not agree with me, and laughs at Sitch the minute he leaves the room. Ronnie mugs something fierce -- it's basically this. Like, he can barely even be bothered to speak out how loud how lame and ridonkulous that tattoo concept is, save to say that Sitch knows nothing of loyalty.
Karma time! As usual, Sitch leaves the group the minute they get to da club, but no one cares. Pauly is blissfully gazing at his beloved Vinny, who quickly finds himself a girl to gently kiss. Maybe I'm just back on that first high post-withdrawal, but Vinny's game was looking kind of hot. Not so hot? Snooki and Deena found their male Meatball equivalent, and he's about as sexy as you think. Speaking of things that are (not) sexy, Snooki peed herself. She heads to the bathroom to clean up, by which I mean she snatches up the free body splash and sprays herself 22 times, with special attention to her crotch. Then she leaves the bathroom without washing her hands. Nice. This, friends, will go down as the day I learned about the "Shore shower." Apparently I've been doing it wrong all these years by using soap and water. What a fool I've been! Snooki snarks in an interview, "Don't call me dirty! I'm not dirty. I smell phenomenal." Ummmm... not the same thing. To be fair, Snooki also exfoliates with kitty litter, so I suppose if I had to pick, I'd allow the Shore showers.
The night wears down, and the kids stagger home. Snooki tumbles into her bed cursing at no one in particular, Deena prepares herself a little guidette nightcap (a.k.a. a Hot Pocket), and Vinny... does push-ups? Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess. Deena come in to wish the boys and tell Vinny she loves him. He refuses to say it back. Sad face.
The morning, Snooki wakes up fully clothed (including pee pants and eight-inch platforms). Her first order of business is throwing away the tainted underwears (discreetly, she claims, which may in fact be the first time she's practiced discretion in her life), then tromping around the house commando in a cuca-high T-shirt dress. So, you know, an average Tuesday. Elsewhere, Deena is also attending to some personal grooming as she combs out what appear to be cheetah-print extensions. What in the holy hell? She heads to the bathroom to wash them and up getting a severe jolt when she plugs her hair dryer into the socket. While her arm is still tingling, she goes to another bathroom and plugs in the blow-dryer again! Real smart, Deena. Luckily, she isn't harmed the second time around. She mentions the tingles to Sammi and wonders if the spark might turn her brain "all crazy." First, too late. Second, you drink like you have 57 livers. Are we really quibbling over a hundred volts or so? Sammi notes that cops Tase people all the time, and those people usually don't die. Then the girls have a discussion of the science behind electricity that would make Sheldon Cooper's brain go "all crazy."
Snooki decides they need to celebrate Vinny being back with some good old-fashioned day drinking. She hopes the whole group will participate, which mainly means she doesn't want The Situation to slip off like he always does. The kids get ready, though there are some notable takeaways. 1.) Pauly (in a DayGlo yellow baseball cap, mind you) looks at himself in the mirror, then at the camera, and says, "If you look up 'Too Much Swag' in the dictionary, you'll see a big old picture of my face." 2.) Deena sits on top of Snooki's breasts and bounces up and down. Just a snapshot of the day-to-day at 1209 Ocean Terrace.
JWOWW calls Roger again. He does not answer. Again. Snooki remembers peeing herself the night before and decides to take defensive measures today and puts booty shorts on top of her thong. Because if you're going to wet yourself, you really want to get as much fabric up in there as possible, I guess? Or perhaps in only the thong, she feared it would be more likely to suffer the same fate as her blonde doppelganger.
Giving credence to my earlier speculation, when Sitch offers to spray Ronnie with some Bod spray (as conscientious bros are wont to do), Ronnie immediately heads down to the confessional to ask, "What is he up to? And when is he going to blow up the house?" It would have been better for him to ask these questions to actual producers, but... baby steps... Then he goes upstairs and says this exact same thing to The Situation. Because it's always a great idea to confront a suspected terrorist (Ronnie's word, not mine) and let him know you're on to his plots. For his part, Sitchy claims he knows how hated he was in Italy and only wants people to like him. What's the guido equivalent of the world's smallest violin? The world's quietest grenade whistle?
As the kids head out, the Meatballs show off their runway walks, incognizant of the fact that even standing on each other's shoulders, they wouldn't be tall enough to model for real. Also Deena sings for at least the second time this episode. Has she turned into Jess from New Girl? That barely works for Zooey Deschanel, so I don't recommend it for Deena.
They arrive at Jenk's and, as predicted, Sitch jumps ship almost immediately with a mantourage of randoms that he claims are his bros. He also claims he's "native" to this area, which is not technically true (he grew up an hour away). Whatever, we can't be asked to worry about it because we have Snooki's urinary tract to consider. She has self-diagnosed an infection in her nether regions. Well, either that or pregnancy -- which warrants a "Bish, pleez" look from Deena. Indeed, Deena is quite the task mistress -- Snooki asks, "If I piss blood, can we go to the doctor tonight?" Deena doesn't mull it over for even half a second before shutting her down: "No, tomorrow." It's a good thing JWOWW was more generous of time and spirit back in Italy. Snooki gets her UTI on, then leaves the bathroom, this time making a proclamation that she isn't washing her hands. Deena validates her, saying, "Yeah, I don't ever do it." Dicks of the world, you've been warned. Then Snooki draws on her extensive medical experience as a vet tech to prescribe herself a treatment plan of Lots o' Shots. I'm not sure why she thinks something she does every day anyway will suddenly have medicinal properties, particularly something that will only make her pee a lot when it burns to do so, but to each her own. Finally, I cannot move on to the scene without mentioning that this entire scene basically was underscored by polka music. Amazing.
Outside, the gang is ready to move on. Everyone except Sitch, that is. As they go to the batting cage for more group bonding, he stays back to scam on chicks. It was probably the right decision because their baseball outing was pretty lame. They cross paths again with Sitch in time for him to join them in the cab on the way home. Sitch spends the ride complaining that people gang up on him. It's kind of a ridiculous turn of events because this is the most honest, open and authentic The Situation has been in 55 episodes, and yet it is the least interesting or sympathetic he's ever been. Like, who cares? Get back to wearing all white track suits and sunglasses at night indoors. Go back to pulling up your shirt and talking about zoo animals. Dance, monkey, dance! Deena and Snooki feel pretty much the same way, it seems. They acts like they're on his side as they encourage him to talk it out with the other guys, but you can't tell me that deep down they don't just want to see him get caught up in the same bullshit that he regularly tosses them into. And he totally falls for it.
Back at the house, the bathrooms are full, so Snooki goes to the deck in desperation. She drops her two pairs of panties and pops a squat in the corner. Sammi happens upon this scene and is reasonably mortified. Snooki nonchalantly drops a towel over her evacuation as Vinny jokes, "We don't need pets!" Now consider this: This person makes roughly 150 times what I do a week, and I have three jobs. Perhaps I should consider picking up a fourth profession -- selling my dignity. Oh wait, I did that a long time ago! On to my body, I guess!
While everyone mills around downstairs, Sitch makes a big show of walking around chanting, "Gym, tan, Clearasil" and moaning about his breakout. All the while his pants are so low, the editors have to pixelate his pleasure trail. Maybe you're focusing on the wrong part of the mirror, Sitchy. He heads up to the roof deck, where his personal grooming soon takes a backseat to his frustration that not everyone is immediately sucking him off for being nice for two days in a row. Snooki reminds him of his "I like being the villain" comment, saying that's why people have a hard time trusting him. He asks, "Why does everybody gotta focus on Mike? Mike, Mike, Mike!" Uh, because you demand it? Snooki puts it differently: "Because you're crazypants!"
Speaking of which, JWOWW walks into this shitstorm and instinctively sputters, "Oh my God, your drawers are down!" Gotta love JWOWW for keeping everything in perspective. Except these people are like perspective Teflon. Sitch doesn't even blink at her comment and proclaims, "I have a bold personality!" All the while, JWOWW fills us in on what the pixelation leaves to the imagination: His pants are not only riding low, they're unzipped, and his dick is flapping in the breeze. The rest of the crew trickles up as Sitch continues ranting and the camera keeps going in for money shots. Vinny eventually calls out the Sharpei in the room, saying, "I swear to God, that thing's talkin' to me right now." Sitch pulls up his pants, which does precisely nothing for the fact that his COCK IS HANGING OUT OF HIS PANTS. And he just keeeeeeeps on talking, swaying around and drunkenly rambling while his Little Situation pendulum swings around. And the entire group is there! Pauly and Vinny are casually tossing a ball around. Ronnie is snacking on Special K (the cereal, not the drug -- though that would be awesome). JWOWW is right at weenis-level and is avoiding contact with the one-eye as she mentally counts how much money she's getting paid per minute for these shenanigans (by my calculations about $27). It's like a scene from a fucking Fellini film. Only, instead of a monster fish being pulled from the sea, a tiny fish is put back in Sitchy's pants. Yes, friends, he finally zips up trou. Small blessings.
Sitch leaves, and everyone is laughing because they'd be crying otherwise. Ronnie can't believe the fact that it might hurt someone's feelings when you call him a terrorist. Imagine that! Downstairs, Sitch barges into Snooki's confessional session, still in the throes of his total mental breakdown. He thinks he's done everything he can, and yet he is still talk-talk-talking. Snooki continues to advise/goad him to have it out with the roommates. She takes the middle school guidance counselor approach and tells him to lead every sentence with "I feel." Of course, she also encourages him to end every sentence with "What the fuck is going on?" Which is pretty much how I imagine guido middle school counselors guide their charges. Sitch admits that he's all or nothing when it comes to his treatment of others, and he's going to go back to being all nasty all the time. He dates himself by telling Snooki, "Press star-6-9 because I just want to rewind the phone call that you just started." It makes no sense, sure, but hey there 1997!
Sitch redubs himself The Confrontation and heads downstairs for the fight of the century. He finds the boys in the living room and starts to have a heart to heart with them. Pauly is confused, Ronnie is impassive as ever, and the Meatballs are popping popcorn in anticipation of the show. Sitch gets all weepy girly and is all, "Are you maaaaad at me?" Pauly denies anything is wrong and interviews that he thinks Sitch is just overly emotional from drinking. Snooki is frustrated that the fireworks fizzled before the big show.
Determined to erase the memory of that nonevent (and of Sitchy's wiener), Snooki summons Deena to help her put back on the infamous bunny suit for some lapine high jinks. One by one, in quick succession, Deena calls the guys in to sic the Snooki bunny on them. Vinny is first and basically knocks Snooki over. Pauly does defend himself as readily, so he gets humped... like a bunny. The same fate befalls Sitch. Then Deena Jersey Turnpikes the bunny. Then Ronnie gets ambushed against the kitchen wall.
Lest you think he's a helpless soul, he gets his revenge when Pauly suggests a game of warm beer. Basically, you heat up a can of beer (Sammi says in the microwave, which is dangerous and stupid -- just like Sammi). Most people use a lighter, which creates a black ash on the bottom of the can. Then you play a memory game by making invisible marks on the face of the person to your left. Only they're not invisible for whoever's to the player with the warm beer. Long story short, Snooki gets black crap all over her face. She even says out loud that Ronnie is actively wiping the bottom every time he touches her face, but she doesn't put two and two together. Everyone laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. She doesn't notice that she looks like Peter Criss until she gets up to go to the bathroom. For a person who's guzzling beer and supposedly has a UTI, she doesn't seem to go to the bathroom that much.
Meanwhile, Sitch starts developing an early onset hangover from day drinking and decides to hit the sack. It seems like everyone else goes to sleep, too. Then we catch a glimpse of a bunny creeping around the place. Snooki -- only wearing the head -- tiptoes over to Sitch's bed and begins sticking her acrylic nails into her sleeping roommate's various facial orifices. He doesn't notice and just keeps snoring away. She expedites the prank by clamping his nostrils shut. He wakes up with a start to see the frisky rabbit looming over him. She chuckles about scaring Sitch and eating his boogers, then walks out of the room, laughing, "What a weirdo!" I can only assume she's referring to herself.
Bonus footage: Seagulls descend upon the Shore House porch. Snooki is a modern Tippi Hedren in bleached cutoffs and Kanye sunglasses. The end.
The day, Sammi, Sitch, and Deena report to the Shore Store. It's an especially slow day as Deena makes herself a pair of booty pants that say "I JERSEY TURNPIKE ALL NIGHT!" This way, when she bends over and starts shakin' it, the boys will have a name for how she's violating them. Back at home, JWOWW and Snooki are getting their hair did when Snooki's dad arrives. Snooki forgot he was making the trip down, so she's also booked a doctor's appointment for that afternoon. She tells him it's for a UTI, then admits he doesn't understand why she keeps getting infections down there. My first thought? Rough sex. Snooki's explanation? Sex. (I think it's safe to say rough is probably on the menu, or at least vigorous.) Snooki straight-up tells her dad she forgot he was coming, then sends him to the store to buy her cranberry juice and false eyelashes. There's no TV or Internet in the house, so this is pretty much his best shot at entertainment other than watching the girls get hot pink extensions put in for the two hours.
Down on the Boardwalk, Sitch runs into Roger. Knowing that JWOWW can't get in touch with him, Sitch can't wait to run home and rub it in her face that he saw the elusive Roger. For the rest of his shift, though, he's going to talk Deena's ear off about his paranoid fantasies that everyone is plotting against him. Deena humors him, but it's obvious she doesn't give a flip about Situation Problems. Her apathy confuses him. Whereas Snooki's enthusiasm for him to confront the others led him to believe his suspicions were correct, her nonchalance makes him think maybe nothing is going on. He determines that one of them is lying. Detective Sitch is on the case!
They head back to the house, but the guys have gone for GTL. Sitch is out on the porch with JWOWW and Snooki's dad, and he overhears her saying how she can't get in touch with Roger. He interviews that telling her he saw Roger "might start drama." I don't think it's so much an "I shouldn't do this" as a "look what I'm doing!" Because, yep, not two seconds later, he's all, "Actually, I just saw Roger!" JWOWW is pissed that Roger is ostensibly avoiding her.
Snooki and her dad head to her doctor's appointment. Meanwhile, the guys are driving back from the gym making fun of Sitch's weirdo rant-slash-apology from the night before. Ronnie explains the whole "terrorist" imbroglio and basically calls Sitch a big baby. They return home where Sitch continues to apologize for something he thinks he's done but has no idea what it might be. Quick tip, Sitch (and by "tip," I don't mean your penis): If you don't know what you're apologizing for, the apology probably isn't genuine and maybe not even necessary. Pauly says Sitch gets fixated on certain topics for days at a time. Today he's apologetic, but tomorrow his tune will change. In essence, The Situation may actually be a paranoid schizophrenic.
To wit, he believes he has determined "the real troublemaker": Snooki. He sits to Pauly, muttering about Jionni and swinging his legs wildly. Pauly emits lots of Ahhhhs and Ohhhhhs, which roughly translate to, "You could get violent at any moment, so I'm not going to make any sudden movements." Vinny is far enough away that he doesn't feel a threat to his personal safety, so he actually laughs out loud at Sitch's insane theorizing. Also at his complete lack of self-awareness -- he has been insisting for days how genuine and nice and without ulterior motives he is, and in the blink of an eye he's back to his old tricks and spinning a plot to take down Snooki. Sitch says with sudden, startling clarity, "I can't believe I got blindsided right there." He leaps up to call His Boy Unit and place a verbal hit out on Snooki by way of Jionni. With Sitch at a safe distance, Pauly too starts snickering. While Sitch spits his marching orders over the duck phone, Pauly says, "The real Mike is back. I love watching all the shit he does. I got my popcorn ready. Let's get the show on the road!"
week: Operation Snook-sassination. Deena plays wingman to Vinny. JWOWW tires of Roger's excuses.