Previously: Vinny returned to Staten Island, which meant the household narrative wasn't about The Situation for 13 seconds, so he walked out to make sure it would be once again because, if it's not all about Sitch, the world will explode. He's a hero! Can't you see it?
It's night at the Shore House, and Danny pays the kids an unannounced visit to tell them that Vinny's exit and Sitch's general space-wasting presence (seriously, Danny actually says, "Mike's pretty much useless") means they need another roommate to man the Shore Store. [Note: Yes, that's why they need another roommate. Not because they are on a televised reality show. And it's Danny, not MTV, who does the "casting." -- RS.] I love how Sitch has literally been away from the house for, like, 20 minutes, and already the producers have deigned to make this massive stink. What a bunch of hooey. On the upside it does provide this awesomely rebellious line from Snooki about her hostility toward a new roommate: "I don't want anybody coming into the house. I don't care if I'm small. I'll kick you." I hope they pick an ungainly giant to be the new roommate just for the visual comedy.
Sitch finally returns. JWOWW updates him on the possibility of new roommates, but he doesn't care because he's still wallowing in the self-pity that, it turns out, he intentionally set up. He explains that he goes out of his way to be aloof on his birthday because he wants to see who will reach out to him. Yeah, I bet that plan really backfires when you're a repugnant asshat, huh? He tells the gang, "I don't know if you guys know about Cancers, but we're sensitive people." On that one I can personally call bullshit because I'm a Cancer, and I am one of the least sensitive people this side of the Jersey Shore. Snooki is annoyed, though not entirely fairly, because she knows the surprise party they've planned for Pauly and Sitch (mainly Pauly, if we're honest). She doesn't think Sitch has a right to feel unloved. Which would be true -- if he could see the future. At any rate, everyone's pretty oblivious to everyone else (what's new?), and they eventually decide to go to sleep.
The day, the pressure is on to perform (inasmuch as you can "perform" at selling slutty underpants and airbrushed T-shirts) so Danny won't bring in a newbie. Pauly is cautiously optimistic at the good performance and, indeed, they manage not to get naked-wasted and/or arrested throughout their entire shift. That's, like, a first.
They head home, where Deena calls Vinny to see if telling him about the roommate search can guilt him into coming back in time for the surprise party. Vinny doesn't budge, even after fellow abandoner Sammi gets on the phone. Vinny tells them half-heartedly, "Hopefully I'll see you soon," and they hang up.
During the interstitials, they show a couple of girls on the Boardwalk wearing matching booty shorts emblazoned with the words "GO HARD." Only, they're rolled down at the waist (classy), so you can only see half of the second word. The point I'm making is, I personally wouldn't be wearing any ass-hugging apparel that could be misread to say something akin to "LARD." Because that is definitely what I thought they said when the image first flashed by. I had to rewind and re-watch in slow-mo. Also, I don't care about the millions Victoria's Secret has made in recent years, I hold firm that it is generally a bad policy to wear clothes with words emblazoned upon your ass. That is all.
Speaking of things hard, the Meatballs want Pauly to give them a tutorial on how to "walk hard, like gangsta." Long story short, Pauly just sits back and shakes his head as they demonstrate definitively non-gangsta walks. Eventually, they bore of it and head to meet JWOWW and Sammi at Karma to coordinate the strippers for the party. For whatever reason, the girls have decided they want to handcuff Sitch and Pauly to wheelchairs (wheelchairs?) during their lap dances. The guy's all, "So you want the girls to pull their pants down?" Horror. No. And yet! Just seconds after vetoing frontal nudity, Sammi tells the guy his strippers "can't be shy." Well, Sam, they were prepared to pants your friends a baby's breath ago, so I think it'll be okay. Amid all this the guy answers his phone: "Wizard of Ass." Way to bury the lede, editors! Sammi is totally skeeved out, but all Snooki wants to know is, "Do you bang them?" The Wiz pleads the fifth.
JWOWW makes her way to the Shore Store, only to find Danny irritated because Ronnie and Sitch are late. They're basically thumbing their nose at his ultimatum. He puts up a "Help Wanted" sign to show how serious he is. Ronnie comes in apologetic for being late, whereas Sitchy strolls in out of his uniform and completely unfazed by it all. Within minutes a girl comes in to interview for a job. Danny asks Sitch to interview her, which makes zero sense, and Sitch decides it's a good opportunity to take his first break of the day by getting coffee with the prospective employee. Danny and Ronnie laugh, like, "Man, you really are worthless!" Another girl with retail experience shows up soon after her, and Ronnie approves other than her out-of-date fedora.
JWOWW decides to get to the bottom of all this sudden interest in the Shore Store. She heads outside and sees the sign, then promptly rips it down. Of course Danny notices and tasks her with making a new sign. JWOWW asks Sitch what nickname she should give Danny on the sign to bust his balls for busting hers. Sitch tells her to call him "The Old Dude" then lets out laugh like Natalie Portman's love child with a congested duck. People in glass shore houses, Sitch! JWOWW flatly notes, "They might think it's you." Danny smugly staples the sign back on the store's facade and announces, "This is going up because of you, Mike." Sitch only emits a blank stare before lying down for a nap behind the counter. Meanwhile, JWOWW and Ronnie move on to Plan B, scheming about ways to make the new roommate's life a living hell. I think this is a good occasion for that classic piece of advice: "Just be yourself!"
Elsewhere, the Meatballs go to the store to buy supplies for the birthday bash. Of course Snooki can't resist screaming, "Party's here!" They also can't resist slapping each on the ass with weird clapper hand contraptions and putting on giant bunny heads... just 'cause. The girls buy about a trillion balloons and the bunny suit. You know, just to spice things up. Like an old married couple trying to introduce role play into the sexual equation, I suspect this will go south sooner rather than later.
That night, the kids are excited to finally let Pauly and Sitch in on the secret. They arrive at Karma -- which is decked out in streamers and metallic fringe like the inside of a low-rent drag queen's acid trip -- and are indeed surprised. Sitch, who admits to being ultra-paranoid, is especially incredulous that someone could pull one over on him. He's all, "You like me! You really like me!" Oh, and did I mention they have not only a titty cake but also an ass cake? Mercifully, we are spared a "nice piece of..." joke.
Deena does a rather unenthusiastic Jersey Turnpike on Pauly before handcuffing him to the chair, which I think was a strategic miscalculation on her part, frankly. As the cuffs click around his wrists, Sitch's paranoia returns, and he fears that he's going to be swept into a scene straight out of the end of Pulp Fiction or, at the very least, see some ugly chick pop out of the cake. The look of unabated terror on his face is pretty priceless. Unfortunately, his roommates aren't clever enough to see the awesome potential that is Sitch immobilized -- plus they're really planning this whole stripstravaganza for Pauly's benefit, so both guys get hot chicks. Sitch cockily says his stripper is cute enough that he "might even take her home," like that would be the real payment -- not the stack of sticky singles she's inevitably stuffing into his lycra "work uniform." And so Pauly declares it the best day of his life. Which I think kind of loses its oomph when you say it literally every day.
Pauly wastes no time finding a DTF chick and taking her home to show off his birthday suit. Sitch does manage to convince the hooker... ummmm... I mean stripper to head home with him. Randomly, like the Eliot Spitzer of Seaside, the trick demands socks. Sitch, as is his custom, goes a step further and gives her an entire ensemble. She is really into those socks, though, and she throws it all back in his face because the pair is mismatched. He gives her another pair. They have holes in them. This goes back and forth for several moments, and Sitch rightly points out the whole point of her being there is just to get naked anyway, so what gives? By the time they crawl into bed, he's over her and decides just to go to sleep.
Because Deena isn't getting any action (obviously), she enlists Ronnie to go call Vinny. They get his voicemail and assume it's because he's abandoned them as friends entirely. Actually, it's probably because it's 4:30 in the morning, numbskulls. Either way, they go film a sad-drunk confession before heading out to the patio to smoke and mope. A bit later, Pauly pushes his trick out the door like always and shares a giggle with Ronnie in honor of his evacuated testes.
The morning, Sitch likewise pushes the stripper out the door because she has grown needy, he claims. They'll do that to you! Meanwhile, it always astounds me that these girls will just leave the house and wait on the curb for their taxi to come. I guess it's better than the alternative of actually having to make conversation with The Situation.
Everyone wakes up, and Deena calls up Ronnie's friend Joey because she needs someone to accompany her to the "couples' night" the other girls have planned. Before that, though, it's time for bunny-nanigans! Snooki loves the idea of jumping out from behind a corner and sharing the crap out of JWOWW. Which, maybe if she were tall and the bunny suit looked more like this than this. Alas, she is 4'9", so the impact of the startle surely won't be that great or long-lasting. Regardless, they move forward with the plan, and Deena calls in JWOWW with some dumb excuse. Snooki pops out in the costume, and JWOWW does shriek but then immediately collapses into giggles. Snooki requests that JWOWW not spoil the secret because she wants to sneak up Ronnie when he's "shitting or sleeping." Frankly, I think the sight of Ronnie going number two would be far more traumatic on Snooki than any split-second of fright she could give him.
That night, Deena decides to dress up for her date in angel wings. Ummmm, okay. Jionni arrives with roses for Snooki. Did someone threaten to knock out a kneecap after he departed Florence if he didn't shape up? Because he is suddenly nice now that Snooki's back Stateside. Not that I want him to go back to the verbally abuse prick he was last season, but it's confusing, no? Then again, I guess if you're as controlling as he (clearly) is, then having the object of your scrutiny within a drive will calm you down. That and the regular sex. Which they have in the 15 minutes before everyone's supposed to go out.
Deena's date arrives, as does Paula. When Sitch gripes that he misses Vinny, Paula even offers to be his wingman. I can't tell if that's really cool of her or if she's just lobbying to be the new spokes model for low self-esteem. Then again, she regularly bangs Sitch, so I guess she's already got that deal in the bag. The gang gets ready to head to Bamboo, and Snooki decides to stay in with Jionni -- so worn out are they from all the smushing.
Everyone arrives at the club and before anyone has a chance to blink, Sammi is rolling around on the ground with another girl in a proper chick fight. Bouncers pry them apart and toss Sammi to the curb. She tells Ronnie that the bitch yanked her hair and threw her drink. Sammi was "taught to self-defend [her]self" and will not stand for someone tugging on her weave. Thus the effective end of couples' night. They head home where Sammi declares, "It was me against the world! And I still held onto my clutch!" Well thank God for that!
Back home, Paula is DTF, so Sitch gets to spraying his junk. Because when I'm going down on a guy, I definitely want the taste of Axe Body Spray in my mouth. Downstairs, Deena does her own mating call, asking Joey, "Do you want to see me fly?" He doesn't register a response either way before she takes a belly flop into the bean bag. So sexy. Whatever, Joey is also DTF (or get as close to the Golden Ticket as Deena will let him). Alas, their cuca courtship is repeatedly interrupted by a persistent alarm clock. Poor Deena, she really is hopeless!
Apparently this show has taken to throwing random bonus footage. Tonight: Snooki lies on her bed, her bikini top untied, screaming about stomach pains and claiming she's having a heart attack. Everyone hears her, but no one is listening. If anything, they are amused by her suffering. Which must really help her sleep at night.
The day, Sitch strongly considers giving Paula a "second date" as he shoves her out the door. Snooki joins him out on the patio for a smoke, and he says they had a relatively chaste roll in the hay last night. He may actually like her! (Or, in his words, "I haven't found one thing wrong with her yet." Good enough.) Snooki supports the coupling of Sitch and Paula. I can't imagine it's more than her overwhelming desire to get Sitch off her case because, really, who would wish him on a girl? She does also admit, "I would fuck Paula." But wouldn't Deena be jealous?
The day settles in, and the roommates realize there is a Vinny-sized hole in all their hearts. They are bored, listless and generally uncertain what to do with himself in his absence. Since they have nothing going on, they decide to engaged in a little GTGVB -- "Gym, Tan, Get Vinny Back." They pile into the car and set the GPS for Staten Island. Pauly is so excited. He rubs his hands together and announces, "I'm going to get my boyfriend!"
They make a quick detour by the Store Shore to tell Danny, who is excited enough to allow them to waste his precious shirts and iron-on letters making shirts with such phrases as "VINNY, YOU'RE COMING HOME!" (JWOWW), "WHERE'S YOUR BEARD? - TEAM VINNY" (Ronnie), "VINNING ALL DAY" (The Situation), and "FREE VINNY - WHERE'S MY BITCH?" (Pauly).
They arrive at the house and start pounding on the door like crazy people. The "WHERE'S MY BITCH?" shirt is suddenly very fitting. After a few minutes, though someone answers the door, and the kids barrel into the house uninvited like it's a damn guido drug bust. Fortunately for everyone involved, they do find Vinny in his room and proudly show off all their shirts like four-year-old offering up the world's tackiest macaroni necklaces. Vinny shows off his own handiwork from the last few days -- a massive tattoo on his upper chest that says "LET GO ~ LET GOD." The girls all "Awwwww!" at the sentiment, and Ronnie scratches his head in confusion (what's new?).
Either way, everyone agrees he looks reinvigorated and that the week home did him a world of good. Vinny goes to say goodbye to his tearful mom, and Snooki assures her, "We'll take care of him, I promise." Vinny knows he's not totally out of the woods, but he thinks he's better equipped to carry on with his recovery back at the Shore House. With that, it's a Saturday night, and their minds are already on where they're going out. My mind is on this. And all is right with the world once again!
week: Snooki either has a UTI or is pregnant. (I'm pretty sure the symptoms are not at all the same.) The bunny strikes again, only with more thrusting! Sitch is friendlier and less scheme-y than ever, but never you fear. Inspector Ron Ron is on the case!